To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, you’re “The Help”

Sally (fictitious name) finally had a compelling image to describe how her adult daughter treated her: Sally was “The Help.” With all its connotations and meanings, it was heart-breaking, but it was accurate.

Sally realized her daughter was a selfish, greedy, entitled narcissist.

According to her daughter, the focus of Sally’s life should be on making her daughter’s life easier…in every way and at any time her daughter wanted. Her daughter and son-in-law made lots of money, but they expected Sally to buy them everything they needed. Her daughter demanded a six-figure wedding and Sally was not allowed to invite her friends. Also, they expected Sally to give them the down payment for the fancy house they wanted, buy them cars and pay for their vacations. Sally was supposed to take care of her wants and needs before doing anything for her adult brother and his family. They expected Sally to spend all her savings and retirement money on them. After all, they said, it was theirs and they might as well start using it now rather than waiting until after Sally died.

Her daughter was controlling, demanding and bullying. If Sally ever hesitated or resisted, her daughter demanded to review Sally’s schedule and made changes so Sally could serve her daughter. If her daughter suddenly wanted to go to lunch with a friend or to get a pedicure, Sally had to drop everything and race 45 minutes over to the daughter’s house to baby sit for her 2-year-old granddaughter.

It was never convenient for her daughter to have lunch with Sally or to treat Sally to anything or to show up for Sally’s birthday party. Her daughter never appreciated anything Sally did; her daughter expected it. When her daughter was sick with the flu, after Sally had spent a week at her daughter’s house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the baby and serving her daughter’s every whim, her daughter was angry that no one had helped her. Sally’s efforts didn’t count toward her daughter keeping score of who loved her. Sally was The Help; she was expected to serve.

In sum, her daughter was whining, complaining, bullying and abusive to Sally.

Sally allowed herself to feel the pain when she realized that to her daughter, Sally was only there to be used and abused. To her daughter, Sally had no value as a human being or even as a mother. Her only value was as a servant who was supposed to put her daughter’s wants before her own.

Once, when Sally said she had made a previous commitment she didn’t want to break, her daughter exploded. She was too stressed out, her life would be ruined if Sally didn’t love her enough to do what she wanted. If Sally wasn’t there to help her, she and her husband might as well move away since there was no reason to stay near Sally. And Sally would never see her beloved granddaughter again.

Sally recalled hundreds of incidents, beginning when her daughter was very young, when the girl expected to be waited on, would never lift a finger to help and never show any gratitude. Sally was always walking on eggshells around her daughter. Being with her was never a good time.

The contrast to Sally’s adult son was what made Sally see that her daughter had chosen to treat Sally as “The Help.” Her son and his wife never demanded anything and were thankful for everything Sally did. They called Sally, sent her photos of their kids and treated Sally to fun times with them.

Sally started saying “No.”

She started telling her daughter that her plans were just as important to her as her daughter’s demands. She started telling her daughter that her daughter had to adjust to Sally’s schedule. But Sally had been mad before and had yelled those things. Her daughter simply ignored what Sally said.

Before, Sally had always felt guilty and given in and done what her daughter wanted. But this time Sally was different. She was calm and smiling. She stopped trying to teach her daughter, and she stopped debating and trying to get her daughter’s acceptance of her boundaries. This time Sally did what she’d said. When her daughter threw temper tantrums and started cursing, Sally applied consequences by increasing her “No.” And she stopped giving in to her guilt.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: Setting boundaries requires consequences

Ruth (fictitious name) had been unable to set boundaries with her 33-year-old daughter for decades, but her daughter simply wouldn’t agree to Ruth’s boundaries. Then Ruth realized she had the same problem with her mother and her husband.

No matter how many times Ruth explained how hurt she’d been and what she needed, they wouldn’t accept her reasoning, explanations or cries of pain. It was as if they didn’t care how she felt or what she wanted.

Those narcissists continued to control, bully and abuse her. They used her as their personal servant. Her job was to serve them and make them happy. Her wants, needs and happiness didn’t matter. Only their wishes counted. When she said she didn’t want to do something or when she objected to their treatment of her, they said she was too selfish or too sensitive. That emotional blackmail had worked all her life. They said that since they disagreed with the boundaries she was trying to set, they could ignore what she wanted.

Ruth had spent a lifetime trying to get them to listen, to understand and to accept her boundaries.

But they never understood or listened. Their negativity, criticism, put-downs, bullying and abuse continued unabated. Their demands on her time, energy and sometimes money escalated every time she said she was willing to listen to their side of things.

Surely, Ruth thought, they didn’t understand how much pain she was feeling, how trapped she felt. If only she could find the right words, they’d understand and then listen to her.

Surely, they must be right. She was the common denominator; she must be overly sensitive and very selfish since she wanted to put her wishes first. How could she make them so unhappy? Every time she thought of resisting, she felt so guilty.

With coaching, Ruth realized they simply wanted their own way; they didn’t want to stop using and abusing her.

When Ruth examined her history with them, she realized they knew perfectly well what they were demanding and doing. In fact, whenever she wanted to do anything for herself, they made sure they blocked Ruth’s attempt. Their demands were perfectly timed and cleverly phrased so she had to give up what she wanted and, instead, serve what they wanted. Whether they were doing it consciously or simply out of habit, the pattern was clear.

To Ruth, it felt mean and cruel.

Setting boundaries depends only on you and requires consequences.

Setting boundaries does not require that they understand or agree. Setting boundaries is unilateral; it’s 100 percent you. You begin with what you want or don’t want. You decide and then you act. Of course, as a nice person, Ruth will still take them into account, but always according to Ruth’s standards and values.

There’s a simple three-step process.

1. First, Ruth decided what to do or not do. Sometimes, she told them, sometimes she didn’t. Her time and energy were hers, to do with as she wanted.

2. When she thought it was useful, she told them the consequences if they didn’t listen to her.

3. Then, calmly and with a smile, she simply applied the consequences. She didn’t try to educate, debate or argue cleverly enough that they agreed to accept what she wanted.

If they disagreed with her decisions, she smiled and simply did what she said she would. Sometimes, she even allowed herself to make up new consequences on the spot. When they said that was unfair, she laughed and said she felt comfortable doing what she wanted. When they said she was selfish, she smilingly said she was the giver and they were selfish in their demands. When they said they would not see her again, she said that was their choice. Her choice was to do what she’d said.

A few examples:

• When her adult daughter yelled at her because Ruth didn’t give her money to enjoy a long weekend vacation, Ruth simply said she wasn’t going to listen to temper tantrums. And Ruth hung up, and then didn’t answer her daughter’s calls until three days later when her daughter started being nice on her voice messages.

• When her mother insisted that Ruth drop everything and drive an hour to pick her up and take her shopping right away, Ruth said she already had an appointment and wasn’t going to cancel it. When her mother started arguing, Ruth gave her the phone number of a local supermarket that would deliver food. Then Ruth went to her appointment.

• Ruth told her husband she had a big work project to do at home that evening, so she needed peace and quiet. As was his usual pattern, he changed his plans and showed up suddenly with friends to watch some sports. He demanded she prepare food for them. She packed her work and left to do what she had to. And didn’t come back until the next day.

At first, they tried lots of different tactics to beat her into submission. Then, they tried to manipulate and guilt-trip her. But as she calmly and smilingly increased the consequences, her mother and her adult daughter demanded less and gave back more. Her husband still refused to listen. What she did to him is another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Leave bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: find your tribe

Paula (fictitious name) realized she’d felt alone and lonely all her life.

She’d been the designated scapegoat in her family. Her father had been verbally cruel and physically abusive all her life, even on his death bed. Her narcissistic mother had rejected her and allowed her siblings to do whatever they wanted to her. The siblings, narcissists themselves, had bullied and tormented her, blamed everything they did on her and convinced her that if she resisted, they’d punish her more. No matter what she did, she could never please them enough to get any caring, appreciation or respect for who she was or what she wanted. She was the outsider; alone and lonely.

Her husband treated her the same way. Everything wrong was her fault, and she was guilty for disagreeing with him or displeasing him. Her three adult children were even worse to her. Although she always tried to set an example of giving, loving and service, they followed their father’s example. The milk of human kindness was never offered to her, only the back of their hands or their demanding, forked tongues. They tried to force her to drink their cup of poison. She was never good enough. Her anger at their treatment was proof that she was a bad, selfish person, and deserved all the pain they inflicted on her. Again, she felt totally alone; rejected and abandoned.

Paula realized that she’d been battered and bruised but never defeated.

Amazingly, Paula’s Spirit was still intact and strong. Even though she felt desperate to bond with her biological family, more strong were her feelings of dislike and anger at what they’d done and continued to do to her. She knew, deep in her heart-of-hearts, the fault was theirs. She never deserved their treatment of her.

She wrote and then told her life story as an escape from prison and torture.

Paula even created a free-form dance that went from one end of her house to the other – moving from the prison of their abuse, her old rules and desperation to win them, to the chosen freedom to be her unique and authentic self.

Her sense of herself was strengthened when she gave herself permission to acknowledge the truth she knew. No wonder she’d felt alone, rejected and vulnerable all her life. She’d been the “Ugly Duckling” in her biological family. Except for one aunt and uncle, her bio-family was intent on pecking her to death. That’s what ducks and chickens do to the one they designate as different or weak. It’s in their nature, and they take great pleasure in destroying that scapegoat. They bond through their hatred and attacks.

When she felt her life as a struggle to escape from prison and torture, to escape from ducks who would peck her to death, she became mentally, emotionally and spiritually freed to leave her prison and go find other swans – her true family.

She forgave them and herself, and stopped begging, stopped debating, stopped proving.

She stopped making excuses for their behavior and she stopped trying to win them over. She knew they’d never change, no matter what she did. So instead of repeating the same old episodes and complaints, she let go of them and of her desire to connect in the magical-thinking ways she’d hoped she could.

She simply stopped thinking about them except in rare moments, when she was sick or tired or there were family occasions that she always avoided. She exchanged holiday cards with the aunt and uncle who defended her and championed her success. She was polite and civil to the ones who belittled and demeaned her, but she wouldn’t engage with them. Their opinions no longer mattered to her. The old family dynamics were boring, and she simply wasn’t interested in playing any more.

She went looking for her tribe, her chosen family.

Being by herself was scary, but she was determined, persevering and full of courage. She took her longing for true family and searched for other swans. She was alone and lonely for a while but that was better than being lonely while surrounded by people who were trying to beat her into the square peg they wanted, to beat her Spirit out of her. She stopped worrying about who would take care of her in her old age or if she’d be alone when she was old. She knew that if she stayed with those ugly ducks, she’d only get taken care of as a prisoner on bread and water, with the love and joy beaten out of her.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, trust your “Accurate Intuition”

Olive (fictitious name) thought she’d been a loving and devoted parent but her 38-year-old son told her differently. He was critical, sarcastic, mean, cruel and abusive. Any time he wanted something, he repeated all the times she’d disappointed him or hurt his feelings, all the deprivation and pain she’d caused him growing up, all the times she’d yelled at him. She knew there was no deprivation; actually, she’d given him everything. She was sorry she’d yelled at him, but he’d provoked her repeatedly with his complaints, demands and resistance to doing anything she wanted. Simply put; he was a toxic, narcissist.

Olive didn’t trust her own judgment; she could never be sure.

She thought he was the problem, but she certainly could never convince him she’d given him everything she could afford and more. Every time she listed the things she’d done, and the love she’d expressed, he always said it wasn’t enough. His certainty and anger were so convincing, she thought she must be at fault, she must be guilty. When he bullied and attacked her, she felt like she was thrown out of her body; she didn’t have any way of connecting with the truth or with her own feelings.

She could never win an argument with him; he was never convinced. He filibustered and yelled. She could never get a word in to defend herself, so she’d given up and accepted his tirades.

When Olive found her Center, everything changed for her.

When she stayed in her body, when she felt connected to her Authentic Self, she accepted the truth she knew, in her heart-of-hearts. She knew and accepted her accurate opinion of him. She recognized all the times her son had criticized, bullied, abused and provoked her. She knew he was lying to himself. He’d created a fictional story that absolved him from any wrongdoing or from acknowledging his stupid mistakes. In his narrative, all his problems were her fault. Therefore, he was justified in making her pay anyway he wanted to at any moment.

Olive’s history told her that her intuition was accurate.

She remembered that she’d gotten a particular sensation, a physical feeling, whenever he looked at her a certain way. She knew he was about to go crazy and abuse her. She just wanted to run away. She remembered that she’d gotten this same sensation many times about him and also about her mother and a few men she’d dated and even about her husband. The sensation was not an emotional feeling, it was physical.

She also knew that every time she’d talked herself out of accepting that sensation as accurate (because she couldn’t prove what she knew in a court, because she didn’t want to believe she could sense other people accurately, that she couldn’t believe they’d really do bad things to her), she had paid a high price. Growing up, she knew her survival required that she ignore that knowing, those warnings, and accept the blame and keep her mouth shut or else.

Now she knew the sensation was always right, it was always accurate. She’d had similar feelings when she was full of hope for something good or full of fear that something bad might happen, but those feelings were not identical to the accurate one.

Olive decided to trust that sensation.

She knew that now she was an adult she could trust herself and act on what she knew to be accurate. She knew her life would be much better if she listened to that sensation and stayed in her body. She decided to trust her accurate intuition that her son was a nasty bully and nothing she could do, no amount of love and niceness or giving would change his attitude toward her. Then she began to think of the best way to do what her accurate intuition told her.

That meant cutting any economic ties to her son. She told him she’d never talk about money, and she’d never give him any money. Also, she would never allow him to verbally assault her or guilt-trip her. Their relationship would have to be based only on their desire to see each other and have a good time together.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: Watch who they marry

Nelly (fictitious name) thought she didn’t even know her 26-year-old son anymore; he was so different since he’d gotten married. In his senior year of college, he’d met a girl and within two months they’d gotten married. He said he couldn’t say, “No,” because she’d pursued him desperately and relentlessly; she loved him so much.

Her mother had been very eager for them to get married. Her mom said she was sensitive and fragile, and he had to give her whatever she wanted.

Nelly met her for the first time at their wedding, which was a fiasco for Nelly. The girl and her mother had arranged everything. None of Nelly’s family was allowed to attend. Her son said he knew he had to go along with their plans or his new wife-to-be would be devastated, throw a fit, threaten suicide, and it would be his fault for not cooperating. He confided that the best thing he could do was to go along with everything she wanted.

After that, her son’s wife made him move across the country to be near her mother. Three children followed in rapid succession. Nelly soon learned that every contact she made with her son led to his wife being easily offended. Imagined and minor slights were blown up, and she was always angry at Nelly. Her son told her his relationship with Nelly was too close; he needed to break away from her to become a man. Therefore, Nelly was not allowed to visit; all holidays were with his wife’s mother. He said his wife would raise their children her way; any help or advice from Nelly was unasked for and not wanted. If Nelly wanted to set up an appointment to see them and the babies, she was being too pushy and controlling. But his wife’s mother could come over any time, and then move in with them so the two of them could help Nelly’s son learn how to be a dutiful husband.

I always observe who people marry.

Nelly’s son had married someone who was intent on isolating him from his mother and the rest of his family. His wife was controlling, bullying, abusive and narcissistic.

Why had he married her and accepted her rules and control? Somewhere, latent within him had been the willingness to be agreeable, rescuing and controlled. Over a few years, and with three children as leverage, she’d magnified and converted Nelly’s son’s willingness to be nice and to please his wife, his unwillingness to argue and resist, into the resentment, nastiness and cruelty that had taken over his personality and his life. He was no longer a nice, sweet, kind person. He was a shell of his former self, acting out his wife’s need to hate and control. He gave up the values and life he’d wanted, and for the sake of a little peace and quiet, became a slave to his wife.

Analyzing “why” he’d done that is a waste of time.

Nelly’s son did not choose someone who wanted to support and encourage the strong family ties he once had the person and he wanted to become. Analyzing what caused her son to become such a slave is a waste of time. So is diagnosing his wife or searching for why she and her mother had become the toxic controllers they were. None of those guesses or explanations will help Nelly change the situation. Her son is committed and won’t hear anything against his wife. At this point, he won’t leave the children.

Also, guilt, self-recrimination and self-bullying won’t help Nelly.

What can Nelly do to save her son and her grandchildren?

She can’t save them. So long as her son gives control of his life to his wife, Nelly can’t intervene. If she tries, her son will be ordered to get a restraining order against her and to estrange completely from her.

All she can do is minimize contact with them in order to minimize the pain they cause her. She can send presents in large boxes to her grandchildren, no matter what her daughter-in-law says. She can pray for a miracle and hope and wait. Someday, maybe, her son will come to her with a get-away plan and a request for help. Then she’ll see what she can do.

In the meantime, Nelly has an excruciating task: To make her life as wonderful as she can while her heart is breaking. She’s not the first mother to have done that.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, their story is addictive

Mary (fictitious name) couldn’t believe her 33-year-old daughter’s lies and “false memories.” She accused Mary of abusing her when she was growing up, of being hyper-critical, of depriving her of birthday and Christmas presents, of never supporting her through high school and college.

At first, Mary defended herself factually, reasonably and logically, kindly and compassionately. She showed her daughter pictures of parties and presents, and reminded her daughter of the times she bailed her daughter out of the trouble she’d gotten herself in, and of the time, effort and money she’d spent to get her daughter through high school and college. That evidence only made her daughter angrier.

Mary followed the advice of friends and supposed experts: always take the blame; always apologize; always keep reaching out and asking for forgiveness, even though the accusations were false.

But that tactic never worked. No apology was ever enough. And after every apology, her daughter’s bullying and abuse got worse. Her demands escalated. When Mary protested against her daughter’s demands, her daughter finally accused Mary of sexually molesting her.

Of course, none of the accusations was true. The only abuser in the family had been Mary’s critical, narcissistic, emotionally and physically bullying ex-husband.

To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, their story is addictive.

They believe their story is absolutely true. Their story explains all their problems and relieves them of any responsibility for their poor choices and bad behavior. They ignore facts that contradict their life story.

Mary saw that “addiction” was an accurate word for her daughter’s behavior. Her daughter clung to her story like an addict clinging to a fix. It was the most important thing in the world to her. She was a fanatic defending her addictive story.

They are convinced they are without sin; they delight in casting as many stones as they can.

Her Daughter got pleasure from her hatred and righteous anger. And she could get a fix any time by simply re-experiencing the memories and hurts she’d invented. She also got a rush of pleasure of being cruel and vindictive to Mary in any way she wanted. She even wished that Mary would die right then and leave her Mary’s money and home. Not even Mary’s death would be enough to pay back all the (false) things Mary had done to her.

Mary questioned, “Did her daughter really believe her lies?”

Finally, Mary realized two things:

1. Somewhere deep in her daughter, she knew the truth. Every once in a while, Mary saw her daughter smirk when she caused Mary pain and when Mary groveled. And then her daughter would put her mask right back on. Her daughter’s mask was the hatred of a true believer in a cult. In her daughter’s story, Mary was the enemy, the infidel, her daughter had sworn to destroy.

2. The question didn’t matter. Mary could never get past the mask of hatred to find her daughter’s conscience. She could never rescue the daughter she loved from her addiction.

Mary knew she hadn’t been perfect, but so what?

Mary had often indulged in self-bullying: “Maybe, she shouldn’t have divorced her mentally and physically abusive husband, despite his cruelty and abuse to Mary and their daughter. Maybe, she’d given her daughter too much praise and freedom, and not enough discipline. Maybe, it was her fault her daughter was spoiled rotten.”

But Mary was able to pull herself out of guilt and self-recrimination. Her daughter had chosen the path of addictive anger, of an addictive story that fed her sense of righteousness, that justified her trying to get everyone she knew on her side against Mary. She also realized her daughter had chosen a partner who eagerly believed her stories and encouraged her to be cruel to Mary.

Even more, Mary realized that the whole idea of her having to be perfect in order to be respected and loved, to be treated politely and kindly was nonsense. Mary was well within a range of caring, good parents. It was the selfish, self-centered bullies, narcissists and adult children who claimed that their parents were supposed to give them what they wanted and to make them happy all the time. They thought they were entitled to their idea of “perfect” parents and if they didn’t get the perfection they sought, they were completely justified in doing whatever they wanted to make the parents suffer and submit. To them, causing pain was a just punishment.

They never thought about their responsibility to be good children or people. Or they believed they always were.

What did Mary do?

Her choices:

1. She could follow the advice of friends and supposed experts, and keep apologizing, keep accepting the demands and abuse in the hope that one day her daughter would wake up cured, conscience stricken, and apologize and change.

2. She could follow her own spirit and say, “Enough.” She knew the mental and emotional beatings were destroying her Spirit. With compassion and determination, she could demand her daughter treat her politely and civilly or she wouldn’t allow her in her personal, mental or emotional space. She could demand that her daughter prove her good intentions over time and without reward. If her daughter would not make amends, Mary would keep her out of her life.

Mary decided on the second course of action. She knew, deep in her heart, that path was the only chance she had to make the wonderful, bully-free life she wanted to live. Even though she was afraid of where the path of hate would take her daughter, Mary also knew if she didn’t set clear and firm boundaries, if she continued to rescue and enable her daughter, she would doom her daughter to a life of addiction.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, stand up for your personal and family rules

Kari (fictitious name) was successful when facing difficult, bullying, narcissistic people in her business life but couldn’t stand up to her selfish, entitled, abusive, toxic adult son.

After she’d divorced his alcoholic, bullying, selfish, abusive father she’d worked hard to prove that she could make it in life without him, to give her son everything he wanted. Her son had demanded and taken everything she’d sacrificed for but once he didn’t need her money, he attacked her cruelly and viciously. He cursed her when he was unhappy and because she ruined his life. Even though she’d given him everything when he was growing up, if she said “No” now, she wasn’t loving and caring enough, she was difficult and demanding, she was selfish and cruel. When he wasn’t yelling at her, he gave her “the loud-silent treatment.”

And to rub it in, he started praising and hanging out with his father, who’d never contributed a penny to him, hadn’t been interested in seeing him when he was growing up, and also bad-mouthed Kari at every opportunity.

Business, personal and family rules.

Kari realized she had a great set of personal rules that helped her maintain productive relationships in her professional life, but she didn’t honor those same rules in her personal life. She laughed with recognition when I told her some of our family rules. They were the same as the ones she used in business and that she wanted in her personal life.

Some of our family rules are:

1. We don’t do melodrama. We just deal with things. No temper-tantrums, hissy-fits, loud-silent treatments, gossip, emotional vomiting, guilt-tripping.

2. We don’t use our feelings to force other people to give in or to dance on eggshells around us. When we disagree, we approach the other person and talk things out. We don’t beat each other into submission, use emotional blackmail, or manipulate, lie or deceive to get what we want. We don’t use hurt feelings, sulking, withdrawal, self-righteous anger, victim attitudes to manipulate other people.

3. We be gracious. That’s the price of admission to our world.

   We don’t be sarcastic or demeaning, or use put-downs; we don’t manipulate, stab-in-the-back, make cutting remarks, set people up to fight, spread gossip. We don’t provoke people and then attack the upset person. We’re not control freaks who demand other people do things our way (the Right Way, the Way it Should be).

4. We take time with each other; we listen, hear, try to understand and know. We promote the real you, not just the perfect image or the perfect personality or the way we want you to be.

5. We don’t give or take things personally. We don’t agree with each other all the time or even on all the important issues, but we can communicate with kindness, caring and a strong intention to have wonderful times together.

6. We get together to make our times interesting and fun. Our relationships are not based on money, submission, enabling or rescuing.

Good behavior is more important than bad blood.

The big shift inside Kari was when she decided that good behavior was more important to her than bad blood. She moved her personal/family interactions into the same space she held for her business relationships. That is, no matter who you are, Kari will let you in her personal space only if you act according to her rules for polite, civilized behavior.

That decision made everything clear, simple and straightforward for Kari. She might not end up with the relationship she wanted with her son, but she’d end up with a personal space that was wonderful to live in, that was bully-free.

How Kari handled her son’s reactions.

When she told her son how she was going to live the rest of her life, he exploded and attacked her even more than usual. He said, “You’re not in charge, you’re destroying the family, I’ll never talk to you again, you’ll never see your grandchildren.”

Kari smiled and calmly said that was the way it was going to be for her, and he could make his own decisions on what kind of person he wanted to be. When he got even more cruel, she said she was going to block him for a month. And she did.

When the month was over, she unblocked him and said she was ready to give him another chance if he wanted to behave better. Whenever she waffled because she wanted to make her son happy and also, because she’d never wanted anyone to be angry at her, she remembered what Winston Churchill said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Will your bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult child destroy your grandchildren?

Janis (fictitious name) worried constantly about her grandchildren. Her daughter had turned against her and was brainwashing the three grandchildren, aged 4-9, to hate Janis. Despite all Janis had done for her daughter before and after her marriage and motherhood, her daughter had yanked the three grandchildren away from Janis. Unless Janis apologized for the thousandth time and did her daughter’s bidding every moment, Janis would never see the children again.

Janis’ daughter had always been difficult and demanding. When she didn’t get what she wanted, she’d throw temper tantrums. She’d yell, curse, and blame Janis for ruining her life. She was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. She’d become even worse after she had the first grandchild. Janis had watch her grandson every day for his first three years while her daughter shopped and played with her friends and her husband. Her daughter was proud and gleeful; now she had a hold over Janis. If Janis ever wanted a break or withheld the money her daughter demanded, her daughter would threaten to withhold Janis’ grandson.

It got worse when the next two grandchildren were born.

Had Janis ever done anything so bad?

No. Janis knew that the worse thing she’d ever done was to give into her daughter when she was growing up because she was afraid of what her daughter would do if Janis really denied her anything, and because Janis had taken a vow to give her children the love and caring she’d never gotten. Later, in order to give her grandchildren love, stability and good values, Janis accepted the bullying and abuse her daughter dished out.

Janis was invulnerable to the horror of her own upbring.

Janis’ parents had been alcoholic, rage-aholic and totally addicted to doing what they wanted, without a thought for their children. Usually, they neglected their children and any attention they gave them was through criticism, put-downs, demands and physical beatings. Except for the one who was the Golden Child: given everything, never asked to do anything and waited upon by all the others. Growing up in the anger and craziness, Janis felt unloved, brutalized and abandoned: Cinderella in her bio-family. But Janis had come though. She became a strong, independent, self-supporting and loving adult who was present and caring for her daughter.

Unfortunately, Janis’ siblings had been destroyed in different ways by the praise showered on one and the neglect and brutality visited on the rest. The Golden Child had become a selfish, entitled, petulant, whining, complaining, demanding, domineering failure. Another had become an abusive bully. Another had become a victim, bullied by her husband and children, as well as her parents. The last had become rebellious against the world and was always creating chaos, disaster and failure. All had let their upbringing destroy their characters and ruin their lives.

Will Janis’ bullying, narcissistic, toxic daughter destroy her grandchildren?

Janis feared for her grandchildren. They were growing up in an environment that had many similarities to her own growing up. The physical brutality was less but the neglect, criticism and put-downs were the same. They saw their parents getting what they wanted from Janis and her son-in-law’s parents by overt bullying or sneaky manipulation. Also, they were pitted against each other, fighting for what little love, affection and goodies that were available. It was dog-eat-dog.

Janis had chosen to be invulnerable; her siblings had chosen to be corrupted and destroyed. She knew that happened in many families like hers had been. One out of 3-4 would be invulnerable; they would become people Janis could admire. They would get away and make good lives for themselves. The rest would sink into the sewer that they’d been raised in.

Should Janis give in to the verbal, emotional and physical beatings in order to protect and save her grandchildren?

There is no Right Answer to this question. We don’t know the future and we can’t guarantee anything.

Many experts and Janis’ friends would tell her to endure whatever her daughter did to her in order to set an example of kindness, goodness and caring for the grandchildren. She could show them how good love felt good; she could be a model of good character.

On the other hand, by accepting her daughter’s bullying and abuse, she’d be showing them that bullying and abuse succeeded. She’d be showing them that there were two kinds of people: bullies and losers. And she would be a model of a victim.

What Janis did.

Janis chose to assert her standards of good behavior. She’d insist that good behavior was more important than the name of a relationship like “daughter,” even if that meant resisting her daughter’s anger and manipulation, and having her daughter deprive her and the grandchildren of the joy they had together. She told the grandchildren what she was going to do, and the likely consequences. She hoped they grow to understand and to find her when they became independent of their parents.

She hoped at least one would be invulnerable to effects of their upbringing.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, nothing is yours

Hanna (ficticious name) finally let herself accept the truth of what her toxic, narcissistic 34-year-old son told her.

He’d been living a terrible life of his own choosing in another town for 13 years, texting or calling when he wanted money or to criticize, bully, abuse and rage at her. He called her the worst names she’d ever heard, and blamed all his self-inflicted problems on her. His life was ruined, and it was her fault for not giving him everything he needed and all the emotional support he demanded. Even though she knew she’d given him as much as she could, and had done everything she could to bail him out of danger and trouble, it was never enough. She couldn’t shake her guilt and twin fears: for his safety on the streets and for her own safety if he ever got mad enough to carry out his threats.

Hanna finally believed him when he said she owed him; he owned her and everything she had.

He said her house was his home so she couldn’t date anyone unless he approved, couldn’t change anything in the house, couldn’t sell anything and couldn’t take a trip or move unless he gave permission.

Hanna realized she’d never been allowed to live the life she’d wanted.

When she was growing up, nothing was hers. She had no privacy; her parents could go into her room whenever they wanted, read her diary, go through her clothes, tell her what clothes to wear, how to fix her hair, what foods to eat, who she could talk to, where she could go and what school activities she could do. They were negative, critical and manipulative. Whenever she resisted, she was being selfish. Or they shunned her or threatened physical violence. Her life wasn’t hers; she had to fit their mold.

Her ex-husband had treated her the same way. He said, “You took my name, so you’re my property.” He claimed he owned her body and her mind. She owned nothing. And that was that. But, eventually, she wanted her own life. She wanted to say “yes” or “no” and have that rule. That was the fundamental reason she’d finally divorced him.

Hanna found the fiery Spirit still burning her and began to claim her own life.

She found a place in her heart and her gut which was hers and hers alone. She was filled with a sense of freedom and peace – peace like a river. She was fine. And she had the freedom to do what she wanted.

Now she was an adult with the power to have her own space and to create her own life. She didn’t need anyone’s approval or permission. Her old guilt and fear, her own self-bullying were gone. She moved beyond thinking she deserved to be in charge of her own life, and into simply determining that she would have her own life.

Wanting her own life wasn’t selfish.

She wasn’t a selfish person. She would still be kind and caring, she’d still be giving and sympathetic. And she’d do that in reciprocal, mutually giving relationships with other people. She would not do that in one-way relationships with takers like her son. She’d protect herself from being bled dry by people like that.

Wanting was a good enough reason to be determined and relentless.

She would make her own place or die trying.

Asking without consequences is begging.

Instead of begging for his agreement, she texted her son and told him her house was not his. He was out because she decided he was out. He was an adult and if she ever allowed him in it again, he would be a guest. In the meantime, she didn’t want to hear what he thought or felt or wanted. She was going to go no-contact for at least a year. During that time, he’d have to prove he could take care of his own money and stay out of jail. If he contacted her or came around, she’d call the police and get a restraining order. After a year, she might meet him at a restaurant to see if she wanted to let him start making amends for the way he’d treated her.

One part of her thought that was harsh, but her Spirit told her she had to let him know she was serious. She would be testing him to see if he behaved good enough for her to allow him in her life and in what ways.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Healing Scapegoats of narcissistic parents and abusive Golden Children – Part 2

In the previous post, [http://bulliesbegone.com/blog/2023/2/22/healing-scapegoats-of-narcissistic-parents-and-abusive-golden-children-part-1], I described Gena’s (fictitious name) life as scapegoat-fixer-enabler. She was bullied and abused by her toxic parents and narcissistic golden-child siblings. She grew up as the person designed to make everyone else happy, to fix their problems and to be blamed for everything. Even when she succeeded, she was always labeled selfish and not good enough.

Of course, they claimed they loved her and they were only trying to help her see the truth about herself. She was the source of the toxic bio-family problems. When they were angry at her and hurt her, they were justified because she’d been wrong again. She was deluded, selfish, hyper-sensitive, over-reactive and very flawed. It was five against one so obviously she couldn’t trust her own judgment.

Growing up, Gena had split into two opposing sides.

• One part accepted the role of fixer-enabler-scapegoat. People-pleasing seemed the only way to make them happy and to keep the bio-family together. If she didn’t put her own feelings and wishes aside, the family unit would be destroyed, and there would be no one to love and take care of her. She’d never be happy and fulfilled. She’d be alone.

• The other part was angry and hated them. Their treatment of her was cruel and abusive. They were bullies and narcissists. They didn’t care about her as a person; they cared only when they could use and abuse her. If she didn’t get away, she’d never be happy and fulfilled. She’d be alone.

Gena realized both parts wanted the same thing. Both wanted her to live the life she wanted, to be loved, appreciated, respected, happy, full of joy and zest for life. Both wanted her to be with people who appreciated and cared for her. Both wanted her to find her tribe; people who loved her tender.

When Gena found her Center, her Authentic Self, she saw the toxic, bio-family patterns clearly.

She saw the few moments of kindness that lured her into staying connected to mean, nasty people who’d caused her a lifetime of torment and pain, a lifetime of self-doubt and low self-esteem. They wanted to strip away her sense of self and replace it with a reality that would doom her to a lifetime of servitude and slavery, of guilt and continual effort to please and connect with people who simply wanted to use and abuse her. They wouldn’t let her have the life she wanted. They insisted she have the life they chose for her.

Gena realized her old beliefs and self-talk were wrong. Instead, she found the truth deep inside her.

1. Nothing was her fault. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Actually, she’d tried to understand and forgive them a thousand times. The selfishness was in their personalities and characters. They’d provoked her and punished her for no reason. Or rather, whenever they felt bad or were angry, they blamed her and kicked the dog (her). Whenever they were bored, they set her up and then hurt her. Whenever they were scared, they beat her and felt better. Whenever they wanted excitement, they tormented her and blamed her for getting angry. They minimized, ignored or justified the pain they’d caused her.

2. Whenever she was happy, they took her happiness away. The few moments of happiness she had with them were fleeting interludes before the next attacks. They were relentlessly critical, demeaning, blaming and abusive. When her happy shoulders finally slumped, they celebrated their triumph. Sometimes she caught them smiling or smirking when they ruined her mood.

3. There was and is nothing wrong with her. She was not bad, sinful, weak, selfish, incompetent, too horrible to love, doomed to failure. Nothing they’d ever done to her, nothing disgusting she’d ever done to win their approval, nothing they’d made her do that was wrong or gross had damaged or tarnished her Spirit, her Soul.

4. Her anger had been normal in response to what they did. Her reactions were protective, survival, life-affirming. No one outside the family believed her, not because she was hypersensitive, exaggerating or crazy, but because of the fake images the bio-family projected in public.

5. The common element in all those abusive interactions was not her defects; it was them. They wanted a scapegoat-fixer-enabler and they’d chosen her as the victim. The common element was the role they wanted to coerce her into and their dedication to beating, manipulating and guilt-tripping her into that role.

Gena wanted to change herself and the family dynamic; they didn’t.

They wanted to preserve the family image, the family dynamic. They wanted to preserve their pleasure at being the masters of a servant and scapegoat they could whip whenever they wanted. Gena was the only one who was suffering. The rest liked the arrangement. The more Gena tried to point things out, to educate, to prove, the more they resisted her. They refused to deal with the past. They said she was lying, exaggerating, selfish, mean, cruel, exposing their family to ridicule, hurting their feelings, tarnishing their parents’ memories. They pulled together even more tightly, questioned her sanity and began to shun her. They didn’t care about her feelings.

They’ll never change because of anything Gena can say or do or prove.

They’ll never admit the truth. Or if they admit a little of it for a moment, a minute later they’ll carry on as if the admission doesn’t matter. Her efforts to prove herself will only cause more pain to herself. Changing them would take a miracle and that’s above her pay grade.

Gena saw the trap she’d naturally created when she decided they were the only real family she’d ever have and, if she didn’t have them, she’d be alone, unloved and lonely.

Of course, Gena struggled to maintain her thinking, her changed feelings and her new life. Of course, they continued to blame her. They told her the most important thing in life was her bio-family.

Her guilt left when she felt the truth in every fiber of her being and she was able to say, “Never again.” She realized their opinions didn’t sway her from her own knowing. Their opinions and predictions only told her about them and their agendas.

Gena put herself at the center of her life, not at the periphery.

Previously, they’d been at the center of her life. Now, she could be authentic with herself and with all the people she met. They would get to see the real Gena, not the one beaten into the role of slave-scapegoat. She stopped hunching over, waiting for the next blow and exploding with anger when it came. When the need to connect with them dissipated, she stopped being triggered by them. She was comfortable, even happy, with the distance she created.

Now she did a simple calculation before deciding what to do with them.

Did she really have to make them feel good or to rescue them? Did she want to endure being with them for a phone call, a day, a weekend, a family occasion? How long would it take for her to recover from the emotional pain of being with them? Would the fake or superficial interactions with them detract from whatever else she wanted to do during that time? What else could she be doing to feed her Soul? Would being with them distract her from finding her true family, the family of her heart, mind and Spirit?

Gina started looking for her True Tribe.

She stopped trying to connect with her toxic bio-family. She withdrew from them, not to try to change them but to create the life she wanted without them. She dedicated herself to connecting with people who liked who she really was and who make their connection interesting and exciting.

She knew she wouldn’t be alone. It might take a while but there were more people like the ones who already appreciated, respected and genuinely like the Gena they knew.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Healing Scapegoats of narcissistic parents and abusive Golden Children – Part 1

When Gena (fictitious name) accepted she’d been the Scapegoat in her supposedly loving family, she started on her path to freedom and to her own life, lived the way she wanted.

Her narcissistic mother had selected her, her toxic father had piled on and her selfish, Golden-Child siblings had enjoyed tormenting her. Growing up, she’d been bullied and abused by her toxic biological family. She was told she didn’t know what was actually happening, wasn’t judging people or situations accurately, and couldn’t trust herself. When she was verbally or physically abused, she deserved it. She was required to forgive them immediately; they were doing the best they could. She had to make interactions safe for them and keep their secrets. She was supposed to make everyone else happy before herself.

In addition to being the designated scapegoat, Gena was also designated the fixer-enabler.

Her role was to keep the peace by making everyone happy. She was the nicest and most competent sibling. No one else was willing to help. Her designated role in life was to fix all their problems or terrible things would happen. If she failed, her parents would fight, the family would be destroyed, and everyone would punish and torment her. She’d be destroyed.

That was their reality, and it was five against one so she must be the problem. Even if she did smooth things over and suffer in silence, she was labeled too selfish and never perfect enough. If she protested, she was ungrateful and rebellious, and was attacked by everyone. She was damned if she did/damned if she didn’t. As a child, there was no way out of that reality.

She’d been taught and had then trained herself to be a people pleaser and an enabler in order to survive. If she wasn’t perfect, all the abuse heaped on her was her fault. She grew up living in fear of not pleasing them. If they were upset, they withdrew their love and punished her even more severely.

Later, she’d selected a negative, critical, demanding and demeaning husband who reinforced her worst self-bullying.

Her toxic, adult children also scapegoated her. All of them were charming in public but predators in private.

She had to make everyone happy or else. Now, whenever someone was upset, she was triggered into thinking she was in big trouble. She reinforced the message that she was never good or perfect enough, and she didn’t deserve happiness. It was her fault, even when it wasn’t. Her outrage and resistance were signs she was a bad person who should be punished.

When she was a child, Gena had decided if only she could please them, educate them, love them enough, they’d love her in return, and she’d be connected to the most important people in her life.

The effects of that childhood decision had, indeed, helped her survive her horrible childhood, but had also ruined her adulthood. She’d thought if she knew what she’d done wrong, she could make it okay and get them to love her. She thought her survival, even as an adult, depended on getting her toxic bio-family to understand and to accept her as the good person she was.

She grew up believing:

• She didn’t know what was real or imagined, what was the truth, what was right from wrong.

• She didn’t really know what she thought, felt or wanted. Anyway, what she felt and wanted was less important than what everyone else felt and wanted. If she thought for or about herself, she was selfish.

• She was born bad, defective, broken and stained. She didn’t deserve better treatment. She was guilty. They were only trying to help her.

• Without them, no one would love her; she’d be alone and fail completely. She was certain no one would believe her side of the story.

• She was the common element in all these horrible interactions with all those people. Therefore, obviously, she was the problem and should become more loving, caring and accepting.

Like every scapegoat, Gena was never heard, never counted. Well, every once in a while, there was a moment with a nice gesture, a connection that seemed like love. But ten minutes later, the caring was gone and she was once again the target of bullying and abuse.

Gena was not even a second-class citizen in the country of her bio-family. She was the servant or slave to her bio-family masters.

In the next post we’ll focus on Gena’s new beliefs and feelings, and what she did to extricate herself from the role of scapegoat-fixer-enabler.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children and husbands don’t love or care for you

Frannie (fictitious name) realized her husband and her toxic adult son were not on the Autism spectrum. The problem was not that they simply didn’t realize how much their behavior had hurt her. It was much more than that. They didn’t love or care about her the way she thought people should. She realized that they didn’t communicate with her, and they didn’t reciprocate her kindness and caring because they didn’t want to. Toward, they not only did exactly what they wanted, they actively prevented her from doing anything she wanted or enjoyed.

Frannie noticed her husband communicated very clearly with other people. He knew exactly what to say to drive away people she wanted to be friends with. With people he wanted to befriend, he knew what they felt and wanted. He even anticipated what they wanted before they asked him.

Actually, her husband and son were exquisitely sensitive to her thoughts and feelings. They understood completely what she wanted and had a thousand excuses to justify why she shouldn’t have it. Every time she wanted to do something to make herself happy, they prevented her from doing it or they sabotaged what she tried to do. They were negative, critical, demeaning and abusive. They were bullying narcissists disguised as emotionally unavailable. Every time she got happy, they did something to destroy her joy. And they smirked about it. They enjoyed her frustration, pain and anger. They knew exactly what they were doing.

They thought they were fine. When she didn’t like how they treated her, it was all her problem.

Consequently, they were destroying her Spirit and her life. They might promise to do something but conveniently forget. When she begged them to think of her feelings and to do what she wanted, they said they didn’t understand and, therefore, they didn’t have to do what she wanted. Then they always make sure she couldn’t do it either. They argued that her unhappiness was her fault and her problem.

In rare moments, they were honest. They told her she was their servant, slave, property. She was not supposed to have any wishes or happiness of her own. She didn’t deserve to be happy. They didn’t care about what she wanted. Her happiness was unimportant or irrelevant. Servants, slaves don’t deserve to be happy. If she tried, they’d prevent it. They should be at the center of her life. She was a good wife and mother only when she was useful. They loved her just like they loved animals or tools who served them.

Frannie realized that in their minds, they were the only persons in the world who really mattered.

Something in her snapped permanently when she realized they acted like jealous Gods. In their minds, she was supposed to adore and worship and serve them. She was not allowed to have any wishes or interests of her own. That would be heresy. She would be an infidel worthy of whatever punishment they chose to inflict on her.

In their minds, there are only four kinds of people:

1. Those who had what they wanted and were, therefore, targets.

2. Those who were better, more powerful and to be feared until they could be manipulated or destroyed.

3. Those who were tools or worshippers who were be controlled and used to get what they wanted.

4. Those who were unimportant unless they got in the way or became targets or tools.

Instead of asking “why they were that way,” Frannie used that realization to think differently about all the situations she’d experienced with them.

She let that feeling sink into every cell of her body, especially her heart. Her life with them became clear; her past and her future with them became clear. They’d destroy any life she wanted that wasn’t her abject subjugation.

Her Spirit demanded that she get away; that she finally begin living a life of her own, a life she was in the center of, not at the periphery; that she take charge of her life; that she become the Heroine of her life.

Her guilt and shame were gone. Her anger rose to give her determination and power. She would not be deflected when they said she was bad, she would not quit, she would not give in.

She began the hard task of getting away from “Gods” who thought they could strike her with lightning whenever they wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: Why so many now?

Ellen (fictitious name) couldn’t understand why her daughter had become so selfish and entitled, angry and uncaring, mean and cruel. Ellen knew there were many toxic parents, but she wasn’t one of them. Sure, she’d given her daughter too much, but she’d always tried to teach her to be kind and caring. After Ellen joined a number of Facebook groups, she realized her daughter was one of a plague of bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children.

It wasn’t Ellen’s fault.

Yes, there were difficulties for her daughter when she was growing up. Ellen had divorced her abusive husband, but she always made sure her daughter got as much and as good as her peers, even better. And Ellen saw many of those toxic adult children from whole, stable families.

Typical psychological answers aren’t correct.

The psychologists’ explanations given to Ellen and the people she met on her estranged and alienated parents’ groups were indictments of the parents or of the genes they passed on or were all about the problems the kids had when they were growing up. But those explanations couldn’t be right. Most of the parents of those children had much harsher childhoods. Much less had been given to them, but they’d turned out to be decent people who tried to understand and care for their own parents, despite the tough lives they’d had growing up.

At a deeper level, all the explanations were wrong because they imagined the children as helpless victims of the events and forces in their lives. The underlying assumption in the explanations was that the children were sensitive and fragile, and justified when they abused their parents. The explanations assumed that if the children weren’t given everything, if they weren’t loved unconditionally, if their feelings weren’t given in to or if they weren’t made happy at every moment, then it would be natural that they’d grow up to be the kind of bullying, narcissistic, toxic adults they had, indeed, become. And it was the parents’ fault for not pleasing them; not raising their self-esteem.

But Ellen realized, that could be true because the estranged and alienated parents hadn’t had those benefits when they were growing up, and they’d turned out pretty good.

Why so many bullying, narcissistic, toxic adults now?

This phenomenon has happened many times before, in many cultures across the world. It happens whenever a society gets rich enough, in general, that children and their parents don’t have to struggle for the basic necessities of life.

When this happens, the parents always ask their children:

• How do you feel? And then the parents take on the responsibility to make their children feel better, no matter what they have to do.

• What do you want? And then the parents give the children whatever they want, whatever will make them feel better.

These questions are important in moderation, but when it’s all day, every day, about everything, those children soon expect to be at the center of the universe. They think they should be given everything they want, especially happiness. The universe is supposed to shower them with abundance and make them happy. If their performance is mediocre or if they fail, they are protected from consequences. Deep down, the parents know that if they don’t give, those children will fight to the death to get what they wanted.

This pattern encourages those children in their most selfish, demanding, narcissistic tendencies. Those children feel entitled to an easy, comfortable life that satisfies them.

The question of those toxic children is always about getting what they want. They never think about how their parent feels or what their parent wants. In their minds, their parent’s only function in life is the serve them, to please them. They never think of their responsibility to please their parent or to give back to their society.

When those bullying narcissists have to prepare and then go out into the world, where only performance matters, where they’re expected to produce and to do things they don’t like, where they have to struggle and might not succeed, they react with anger and blame, with retaliation. If they make bad decisions, it’s somebody else’s fault.

Previously, every child (peasants, princes and princesses) had duties, responsibilities and obligations. They were expected to struggle and learn as children, to work at becoming adults who would fulfill their adult roles in society, to become competent, whether they liked it or not. Of course, not all succeeded. And when they didn’t, there were dire consequences.

When societies get rich, children in the next few generations tend to become selfish and entitled, and act like outraged victims when they don’t get everything they want. The examples are countless. We have plays from the Greeks of the late fifth century BC after they conquered Persia, letters from the Romans of the first centuries after they conquered Carthage and the rest of Europe, examples of the Moguls after they conquered India, from the Portuguese and Spanish after they conquered the Americas, from the Dutch and the British after they conquered the far East. And many more.

Ellen realized that no matter what she had told her daughter, the girl had willingly accepted the brainwashing that was in the media, in her schools, in her peers, in the air she breathed. She was supposed to be loved, pleased and approved of, or someone (her mom) was at fault. Someone should be blamed and pay for her displeasure. Her chosen friends and therapists all agreed.

The typical psychological explanations leave out free will, choice.

Yes, overindulgence makes it easy for a child to expect everything they want, but there’s always the choice the growing child makes a thousand times to continue expecting to be pleased, because they’re entitled. Then they get addicted to the pleasure of being enraged, blaming and punishing when they don’t get complete obedience. Vindictiveness becomes a chosen habit.

Ellen could see that pattern in so many families. Usually, only one or two of the children, but not all, chose to be selfish and entitled. The rest choose to become decent adults.

Ellen was freed when she recognized her daughter had chosen to be mean and cruel.

Ellen let go of her guilt and shame; she stopped accepting blame. She knew she had to protect herself and her other children from the daughter who’d chosen to be a predator, a monster. She could love her daughter from afar, but she would not step into a cage with her. Inside, she’d only get her flesh and feelings shredded. She made the choice that was life-giving to herself and the other children.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children’s verbal, emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse

Dora (fictitious name) realized her toxic, adult son was using the same methods to demean and control her that her husband had used since they were married. Her son was imitating his father.

They both were negative, critical, back-stabbing, mean and harsh. Nothing she did was ever good enough. They manipulated her to keep trying to please them, to be their servant or slave forever.

Her friends and her pastor said that since they didn’t hit her and her husband hadn’t raped her recently, it wasn’t bullying or abuse.

They said her husband and her son probably didn’t realize how bad she felt. They wouldn’t act that way on purpose. Anyway, it wasn’t so bad and she should endure; it wasn’t real abuse. She should feel guilty if they were displeased or offended by what she did.

But they’d been doing it for years and when Dora told them how much it hurt, they smiled, did worse to her. She was over-reacting and too sensitive. Anyway, it was her problem. Only she could make herself happy.

Dora knew how much it hurt her. She felt abused, beaten, wounded. Yet she seemed to need someone as the definitive expert to label their behavior as bullying and abuse.

Dora shifted when she listened to me and Tarana Burke.

Trana Burke: “Unkindness is a serial killer. Death in the flesh sometimes seems like a less excruciating way to succumb than the slow and steady venom unleashed by mean-spirited, cruel words and actions that poison you over time. I guess that’s why I can’t stand the old children’s rhyme: sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Every time I hear it, I think to myself: that’s a lie. You can dodge a rock, but you can’t unhear a word. [It’s hard to] undo the intentional damage that some words have on your mind, body, and spirit.”

When Dora accepted that she was being abused and had the right to stop it; she felt free to protect herself.

The phrase that inspired and sustained her was that she had to become the Heroine of Her Life. Now, she could act with purpose and determination. She was not going to allow any cruel, abusive and toxic behavior in her life. And she would do whatever it took to get that behavior out of her life. She’d rather be safe than live in embarrassment, shame or guilt because she wasn’t perfect according to them. Or to live in fear because they’d they’d put her down in public.

She was even willing to divorce her husband and cut off her son if they didn’t change.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children are addicted to your pain

Cora (fictitious name) kept thinking that if her adult son only understood how much pain he was causing her, he’d stop bullying and abusing her. He was acting exactly the way she’d seen bullies and narcissists described on videos. He was mean, cruel, manipulative and toxic. He seemed to enjoy making promises and then cancelling at the last minute or not even showing up at all. Whenever she got her hopes up, he’d thwart what she was looking forward to, and then he’d yell at her just like his father had. His unhappiness was her fault.

She was exhausted trying to teach him, to get him to understand, to get him to care about her. Why couldn’t he see what he was doing; the pain and damage he was causing her? What had she done to deserve this abuse?

Cora finally looked at the evidence of his behavior, not at his words/excuses/reasons.

Cora listened and believed what she’d been saying to me and to all her friends. He had reasons for justified in doing everything he’d done to her. If he was irritated or angry at anything, he thought he could lash out at her in any way he wanted. His reasons mattered; hers did not. He acted like he didn’t care, like her feelings and wishes didn’t matter. He acted like he didn’t want to understand.

He had no healthy fear of hurting her.

He was sure she’d put up with his inflicting pain to her.

Then she let herself acknowledge the big truth she’d been avoiding; he was gleeful every time she cried, every time she protested, every time she begged him to be nice. She’d seen that glee on his face when he hurt her and got away with it.

He was addicted to her pain.

He loved hurting her and watch her squirm, watching her try to explain away his cruelty to her friends, listening to her try to teach him the value of kindness, watching her torture herself trying to figure out what she’d done wrong.

Causing her pain was his drug of choice. The joy he got was palpable and it was free and he could get high anytime he wanted.

Cora knew she had to protect herself from her own flesh and blood.

As hard as it was to accept, once Cora did, she could shift to how to protect herself from a leech, an emotional and energy vampire, a vulture, a piranha who wanted to eat her alive, piece by piece. Now she could predict what he’d do next. It didn’t matter why he’d chosen his drug, he was completely hooked.

She had to deal with him as if he was an addict. She couldn’t keep enabling him. She couldn’t allow him anywhere near her or he’d take every drop of blood she had. And so she cut him off until he stopped being addicted, until she could trust her own judgment of whether she’d be safe being with him.

Before he changed, Cora spent years of requiring him to act polite and civil or else. And it took a minor miracle for him to change his heart.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: You can’t love them enough to cure them

Betty (fictitious name) kept trying to win her daughter’s love just like Betty had been told she had to do when she was growing up. Even when her daughter was a little girl, she’d had always wanted more and Betty had provided it.

As her daughter grew up, her bullying, narcissistic, toxic behavior increased with each year. She was mean, cruel, manipulative and abusive toward Betty, no matter what Betty did for her. Betty struggled but managed to pay for all her daughter’s college expenses, her phone, her car and insurance, and all the spending money the girl demanded. Then her daughter demanded the same through graduate school. Then there was the huge, destination wedding.

Through it all, her daughter treated Betty with contempt. She made phone calls or texts only when she was demanding more money, rarely answered Betty’s texts or calls, yelled at Betty to shut up if Betty ever wanted to talk, told Betty she had no right to know what she was doing and always had more important things to do if Betty wanted to visit.

Betty’s old rules kept her a servant, a slave.

Betty was raised to believe that love could conquer all, that her first job was to make her daughter happy, if her daughter had a problem or was unhappy it was Betty’s fault, if Betty didn’t like anything it was Betty’s problem, thinking of her own feelings meant Betty was selfish, family comes first, love means giving, forgiveness means Betty had to keep giving. We all know the cluster of beliefs, rules and roles many people are raised with. Betty accepted those without question.

The Beetles were right: With bullies, narcissists, “Can’t buy me love.”

Bullies, toxic narcissists are insatiable; they can never get enough power and control, they can never inflict enough pain to be satisfied. They don’t take your good deeds as a model to be copied; your good deeds show them there’s a person they can take advantage of.

Betty felt used and abused; she felt like a slave. Her daughter was like Veruka Salt from Willie Wonka. Betty was shocked and appalled at herself when she realized she didn’t like or respect her daughter.

Betty couldn’t understand why her daughter had turned out that way; what had Betty done wrong?

Betty had a part in her daughter’s pattern, but the source of the problem was in her daughter. Her daughter had always chosen to get what she wanted by beating Betty into submission. Her daughter never stopped wanted. She was needy and greedy without end. She had to have everything she thought of; every passing fancy had to be satisfied immediately.

Betty had consistently taught a different way of being, but her daughter hadn’t listened. Her daughter didn’t care about Betty’s ideas of good behavior and good character, of how to live a kind and loving life. She didn’t care about Betty as a human being. She cared only that Betty give her everything she wanted.

Betty realized she’d enabled that attitude by giving her daughter whatever she wanted; that’s what being a loving mother had meant to Betty. Then she realized, she had kept giving because she was afraid of the war if she ever said “no.” She hadn’t felt able to resist her daughter’s fight to the death to get every little thing she wanted. Betty had submitted.

All the answers to Betty’s “why” question didn’t help Betty devise tactics to change her daughter. Her daughter was choosing her feelings and her behavior; she was righteous about what she thought, felt and did.

Betty weaned her daughter.

The most important shift was within Betty. Betty chose to throw out all those old rules and to make new ones now, based on her experience and wisdom. She decided she was not responsible for her daughter’s happiness. She let go of the guilt she’d carried like a lead weight.

No matter what other people said to her, Betty decided to be firm about what she wanted to do. She could never be sure about the future, about what might work to change her daughter, but she was clear that enabling her daughter had never worked. Also, she decided she had to let go of the goal of changing her daughter. She could only have the goal of keeping her personal space free of bullying, narcissistic behavior. That wasn’t selfish; that was necessary. She could only hope a miracle would happen and her daughter would choose to change in order to be in Betty’s space.

Betty became the heroine of her own life and her life became truly her own life, not the life she’d been groomed for since her childhood.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic adult children who think they’re empaths

Alice (fictitious name) was stunned when her bullying, narcissistic, toxic, adult daughter proudly announced that she knew what Alice was thinking and feeling because she was an empath. Since her daughter was little, she’d never showed an ounce of kindness, caring or compassion for anyone but herself. She was mean, cruel, manipulative and abusive to anyone who disagreed with her or refused to do what she wanted.

Alice obsessed about whether her daughter really believed she was an empath.

Alice finally understood that question only led her to endless analysis of her daughter and to speculation based on what opposing experts thought. Her daughter still consumed Alice’s life. It didn’t lead to answers that would help her stop her daughter or to protect herself.

Why is that the wrong question?

You might think that if relentless bullies and narcissists don’t really believe they’re empaths, you can use that self-doubt to convince them they’re really hurting you and that they have no compassion of sympathy. Then they’ll admit they’re not kind or compassionate and change the way they act. But you can’t convince them. Part of the definition of being a relentless bully and a narcissist is that they don’t change.

You might think that if they’re deluded, if they really believe they’re empathic, you’ll be able to prove to them – using their behavior, facts, reality check with others, reasoning, logic – that they’re not kind or compassionate, they’ll be remorseful and change. But you can’t.

Relentless bullies and narcissists want to be worshipped and obeyed, and to get what they want. They may claim they’re caring but they’re not interested in the real well-being of their target, only in getting what they want.

Some relentless bullies and narcissists are overt. They’re right in your face. They don’t care what you want or fear or hope. They’re going to beat you into submission, period.

Other relentless bullies and narcissists can be exquisitely sensitive to their target’s needs and wants. Then they’ll use their understanding (“empathy”) to manipulate or coerce their targets into doing what the narcissist wants. That knowledge or understanding of what motivates people (their fears, wants, dreams, hopes, temptations, values, etc.) does not, by itself, make them empaths.

Alice recognized the major characteristics of empaths:

1. They sense or know what people want, what motivates them, how they feel (what their hopes, dreams, pains, fears, desires, etc. are).

2. They have understanding and sympathy; they’re kind and compassionate; they try to make other people feel seen, heard, understood; they try to help them feel better; they try to help them grow and become more independent, more fulfilled.

What’s the right question for Alice?

Alice knew her daughter lacked the second characteristic of empaths. She cared only about herself. Alice realized better questions would be, “How can I protect myself? How can I stop my daughter from becoming the center of my life, controlling me, sucking me dry, ruining my life?” Those questions led Alice into her future; they were better than analysis paralysis.

What Alice did.

Alice quickly saw what she had to do to maintain a distance between her and her daughter. It wasn’t easy. When Alice resisted, her daughter tried bullying and abuse. When Alice still did what she wanted and didn’t do what she didn’t want, her daughter switched to manipulation, blame, shame and guilt tactics. And she withheld Alice’s grandchildren. But finally, when she needed Alice, she capitulated and started treating Alice with respect and caring. Alice never thought her daughter’s heart had really changed, but at least she got good treatment and time with the grandchildren.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic spouses form cults for your willing toxic adult children

Wendy and Wanda (fictitious names) had the same problem but for different reasons. Both their 30-year-old sons had joined what I call “The Cult of Their Spouses.” They married toxic, abusive, entitled, bullying narcissists. Their spouses were selfish, self-centered, righteous control-freaks.

Wendy’s son and fiancé had not invited Wendy to the wedding. Wanda’s son had invited his parents to the wedding but only if they paid for it because the bride’s family didn’t want to. At the wedding reception the bride threw a fit and publicly told Wanda and her husband off for being too cheap to make the wedding fancy enough for her. Wanda’s son stood by and let it happen.

The spouses ruled and the sons went along with it.

Both spouses hated their own families but took it out on Wendy and Wanda. They were never pleased or satisfied by whatever Wendy and Wanda did. The demands were endless. The spouses were 110% convinced that whatever they thought was actually true. They were certain that Wendy and Wanda wanted to control them. They seemed to enjoy being mean. They poisoned the sons’ minds with lies and twisted interpretations of Wendy and Wanda’s actions and intentions.

The sons lives had all the symptoms of being members of cults – there was one ruler who was right, they had to serve their master or be punished, they were not allowed to leave the cult, they were cut off from the outside world. They accepted what their girlfriends, then fiancés and now brides said. They let their wives control all their money and their view of the world. They acquiesced to their spouses’ demands for estrangement and alienation, and were soon isolated from their former friends and their families.

Wendy and Wanda kept beating themselves with guilt: What did we do wrong? We always tried to teach them better.

The sons had different reasons, but both became willing slaves to their masterful spouses.

Wendy’s son had always seemed to be a kind, loving, poster child. He did well in school, had many friends and activities, and never got into trouble. At least until he was a teenager. The older he became, the more overtly angry and rebellious he became. He’d never listen to what Wendy wanted, refused to do any chores and once shook her hard and told her she wasn’t the boss of him. He’d do whatever he wanted from now on. She could prove she loved him by giving him whatever he wanted and leaving him alone.

Now he became toxic to please his wife. Clearly, she had tapped into his vein of hatred and encouraged it. The problem was in him, and his wife used it for her own reasons.

Wanda’s son had always been the kindest, most compassionate and helpful person. He told Wanda his wife was reacting a terrible background, but he was sure that with enough love he could bring her around to loving his parents. His plan was to give in to all her demands and work steadily to teach her to open her heart and love Wanda. In my experience, that never works. The bullying narcissist always drags the well-meaning savior down into the pit of hatred.

When the babies came, the sons were trapped.

Wendy and Wanda kept reaching out, kept trying to prove their unconditional love and caring. They apologized profusely for things they hadn’t done, for things they thought were the right thing to do and for every misunderstanding. That approach seemed to please the spouses temporarily, and Wendy and Wanda clung to hope they could repair the relationships.

But when babies were born, their sons were trapped. Even if they had second thoughts (and Wendy’s son really hadn’t) they would never leave their children. They thought the right thing to do was to buffer their wives rage and control.

The estrangement and alienation almost destroyed Wendy and Wanda.

They saw lifetimes ahead of pain, torment and begging. They saw lifetimes of becoming impoverished, feeding the demands of their sons and their wives. But, with help, they faced the challenge of having their dreams destroyed and finding new people to share their love with. They built new lives from the rubble of their shattered dreams.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: Addiction and the “Worship of Me”

Vera (fictitious name) was desperate. Her 40-year-old daughter had called and demanded Vera give her $10,000 for a vacation she wanted to take. Vera was certain if she didn’t give the money, her daughter would never speak to her again and would withhold the grandchildren.

From the time her daughter was four, when she didn’t get her way, she yelled, screamed and threw temper tantrums, claiming Vera had never been nice enough or made her happy enough. Actually, Vera had given her daughter everything – money, clothes, trips, cars, servitude on-call – but it was never enough. Her daughter was never satisfied; her demands always escalated.

Vera finally accepted that her daughter was a toxic, bullying narcissist who bullied and abused Vera to get what she wanted. Her daughter was negative, critical, hostile, demanding and demeaning to Vera, in private and in public. Her happiness was the only thing that mattered in her world.

Vera stopped asking “Why?”

Vera knew her daughter’s reasons and excuses, and had spent lots of time and money analyzing why her daughter would do what she did. Vera would never have said or done those things to her parents. But all that analysis never helped her change her daughter’s personality or treatment of Vera.

Vera acknowledged her role in creating the pattern. Her daughter had been born demanding and Vera had always given in. Vera admitted she wasn’t perfect; twice she’d been so frustrated she’d yelled at her daughter; she’d even bought her daughter a used car as the first car, instead of the new one her daughter demanded. She’d fed her daughter’s greed by giving in. She knew she was guilty; it was all her fault.

Finally, Vera accepted that her behavior and the circumstances had not created her daughter’s greed and relentless abuse. Her daughter had free will. She’d chosen and practiced her personality. Her daughter had been relentless even as a little child. Her daughter treated every thought she had as if it was absolutely true; every feeling as if was justified; every desire as if it was a matter of life and death. Vera had not wanted to create a spoiled, entitled brat, but she didn’t have the strength to resist someone who’d never give up until Vera had been beaten into submission. Her daughter thought she had to have what wanted or she’d die.

When Vera saw her daughter as an addict, everything became clear and she could predict what her daughter would do next.

All the reasons and excuses her daughter gave were not the real reason for her behavior. Vera knew, in her heart-of-hearts, her daughter was addicted to being right and justified, and to getting everything she wanted. She was also addicted to the pleasure she got tormenting and torturing Vera. She was addicted to greed, demands and righteous anger; she enjoyed being mean and causing Vera pain. For her daughter, it was a cheap addiction – it was free and she could get high whenever she wanted.

Vera knew it didn’t matter what she did; she’d be condemned by her daughter if she did something and condemned if she didn’t. There was no easy way out for her. All the explaining, reasoning, teaching and begging fell on deaf ears, just like they would on the ears of someone hooked on cocaine or heroin. Her daughter would steal all her time and money, and destroy her Soul. Vera had to protect herself.

Vera’s daughter also worshipped herself; she led the “Cult of Me.”

If she had a thought, it was right; if she had a feeling, it was justified; if she wanted something, she should be handed it immediately. She should be pleased, satisfied, satiated. She was entitled. She was supposed to be worshipped. Sacrifices should be offered on her altar. The world, meaning Vera, owed everything to her.

Her daughter’s behavior made no sense to Vera; no person should believe and act that way. But admitting her daughter was an addict and a person who thought she should be worshipped and obeyed, made her daughter’s behavior patterns clear. The realization lifted Vera’s guilt and need to please.

If Vera continued worshipping at the altar of her daughter, her daughter would never change.

Vera had to stop worshipping and stop hoping that her daughter would suddenly understand and become a good, caring, kind, considerate person. Those kinds of miracles are never promoted by giving in to the demands of a selfish, narcissistic, bully.

Vera went cold-turkey. She started saying, “Not interested. I’m not feeding your addiction. You’ll have to treat me very nicely for a long time before you get anything from me. You’re not the boss of me.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children demand they be the center of your life

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children demand they be the center of your life. Ute (fictitious name) had an adult daughter she could never satisfy. No matter how much she did or gave, it was never enough. Also, making plans with her daughter was exhausting. She always changed her mind and Ute had to accommodate her no matter how difficult. The daughter always had a sixth sense for when Ute was busy or exhausted or taking care of someone else. If Ute wouldn’t do any service immediately or if she was willing to entertain the rest of the family when that daughter couldn’t attend, it proved Ute never loved her daughter as much as the other children (or at all).

Everything you say/do is a sign of how much you love (obey, give) them.

Ute’s daughter wanted Ute to prove she loved that daughter best. According to her, Ute was always on trial. Since she convinced Ute that Ute had sinned against her in the past and that she’d felt rejected and abandoned, she had Ute hooked through guilt forever. Ute had to endure criticism and abuse because she owed her daughter the rest of her life as long as the daughter wanted.

They train you to prove your love or else.

If Ute wasn’t immediately obedient to her daughter’s demands, her daughter exploded. Her hurt feelings were followed by righteous rage and accusations, or by the loud silent treatment, followed by calls to everyone in the family with stories about how cruel Ute was and had always been. Her daughter was endlessly manipulative; she lied and exaggerated her pains. It was never ending; there was always one more thing and always at the most inconvenient time.

Ute finally said, “Enough.”

On Mother’s Day, in front of the whole extended family, when her daughter started her never ending story about what a rotten mother Ute was, Ute finally exploded. She told everyone how selfish and greedy her daughter was, how she was never satisfied, how she wanted all of Ute’s money and time. Ute told them all how her daughter had lied to them with her complaints. She labeled her daughter as a “Professional victim.”

Now the shoe was on the other foot, Ute’s daughter had to win Ute’s good will. If Ute’s daughter had issues, she could work them out by herself with her therapist. Ute was done with apologizing for things she’d never done.

Of course, some extended family members were shocked and begged Ute to continue giving in. “That’s just how her daughter was.” But the rest of the family, including Ute’s other children, applauded. That day was the start of the rest of Ute’s true life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.