Betty (fictitious name) kept trying to make her adult son happy but nothing she did was ever enough for him. Every conversation began with him listing all her failures. His negativity and criticism got louder and angrier as he talked. He was bullying, abusive and toxic. His focus was totally on her failures.
She would never consider suggesting that any of the things he said that were simply false, mean and cruel; that would be selfish and aggressive of her. She’d been taught that her repressed anger at his treatment of her was proof that she was the problem.
When Betty got honest, she admitted her parents, her siblings and her husband had treated her the same way.
She was never good enough to please any of them. Betty had always accepted 100% of the responsibility for any bad feelings or problems her parents, her siblings, her husband and her son had. The questions that seemed natural to her were, “It’s my fault. What did I do wrong? How can I try harder and give more?”
Betty realized, as a little child, she’d accepted the messages she’d been given in many forms:
Your job is to serve others, not yourself.
No matter how much you do, it’s never good enough.
If you do enough, you might finally be loved, accepted, praised, appreciated, seen, heard, you might finally belong in our family.
To whom much is given, much is required. Therefore, much is required of you.
Shame on you, Betty, you’re simply not nice or kind or competent enough.
If you feel good, if you’re happy, if you relax, if you do things for yourself, you’re selfish and you’ll get a swelled head.
Betty had never been allowed to simply Be; she must keep doing and serving all the time.
She realized she’d never relaxed, enjoyed or treated herself. Her breathing was strangled, her jaw and shoulders were permanently clenched. She felt like a hamster on one of those wheels; running harder and harder but never getting anywhere, doomed to be a failure. She’d always be criticized, shunned and abandoned no matter how much she tried.
Of course, Betty grew up desperate to be accepted, to belong in her family. But no matter how much she tried to serve and please them, no matter how successful she became in the outer world, her family kept putting her down as not enough.
Betty changed when she found her true Self and began to feel whole.
She realized she belonged to herself, as much as she’d been tormented, bullied and abused, an essential part of her was not damaged. When she accepted herself, her whole body relaxed. She said it felt like Grace. She stopped focusing on what she’d done wrong or why she wasn’t good enough for her family. Instead of self-questioning and self-doubt, instead of self-bullying, she began focusing on the outside world and what she wanted to do, not on what they told her she should do for them.
She was amazed at how relaxed and peaceful she became as she began to explore doing what made her happy, what made her Spirit rise. She was amazed at how free and airy she felt when she started ignoring their opinions of her worth. She accepted that she was “the Ugly Duckling” who was really a swan. Trying to serve them better, she had learned to be extremely competent. Also, she was a kind, caring person. They were selfish, abusive narcissists.
They were not her people. As hard as it seemed to do, she began to go looking for her people.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
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