With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, don’t let hope block your good judgement, discernment

Cora (fictitious name) didn’t know how to reach her 35-year-old son and make him understand how many lies he’d told and how much pain he was causing her. She’d never accepted that he actually wanted to hurt her, control her and get everything she had.

He was bullying, abusive and toxic. When other people were around, he was sneaky; he disguised his relentless criticism of her as jokes. He was extremely righteous in his anger. He was a covert narcissist. Even when Cora gave him all the money he wanted, his verbal and emotional beatings continued. She realized her giving was self-defeating.

When he was younger, he’d been diagnosed as a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies, but Cora believed that with enough love and kindness, he’d finally understand how much she’d loved and cared for him. Then he’d trust her, appreciate her and treat her like a good, loving son should.

Cora kept saying she had to have hope.

Her problem was that while she was keeping hope alive, she kept reaching out and giving him what he wanted; material goods and a scapegoat to beat. She justified that by telling herself that the most important thing was that he’d know she still loved him. But eventually, she realized her giving hadn’t changed his cruelty.

Eventually Cora realized he knew she loved him; he actually counted on the fact that she loved him. When she kept reaching out nicely, lovingly, he was filled with glee because he knew she was still willing to endure pain and suffering. He knew her kindness was an invitation to bully, abuse and manipulate her. She’d still take it and keep coming back for more.

The real question for Cora was, “What do you do while you keep hope alive and you’re waiting for a miracle to transform his heart?”

Often, when we love, we let hope cloud our judgment, blind us to reality, cling to wishful thinking. Finally, she realized that she couldn’t fix the problem from inside the family dynamic. She had to wait until his heart changed before anything she did could help him.

Cora understood that she didn’t need to give up hope or even wishful thinking. She just needed to stop giving him permission to abuse her. She had to protect herself from evil. She had to love him from afar. She could still use prayer and candles. She realized that if “love” meant to her that she must allow him to use her and beat her, her definition of love was really her instructions for self-harm, her instructions for how to be a martyr.

She realized she was ruining her son by enabling him to stay delusional, mean, nasty and cruel, and get rewarded for that attitude and behavior.

Her help encouraged the opposite effect from the one she wanted. She’d been feeding a monster and keeping it alive. Her son was addicted to blaming everything wrong in his life on her and causing her pain. By accepting his abusive treatment of her, she was supplying an addict with his drug of choice. Continuing to enable him would only encourage his addiction, not stop it.

With relentless bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, you can’t keep the door open a little, hoping you can control the situation.

Cora had hoped she could contain the pain and chaos he brought into her life. Cora’s former therapist had said she must keep the door open; she must build a little bridge. For example, she’d be safe if she saw him only in public places or if there were other people around.

The little-bridge theory had never worked because, for relentless bullies and narcissists, it’s all-or-none. They’ll use the tiniest crack of an open door. Any contact with him put her in the line of fire.

Over the years, the little opening she’d kept had allowed him to hurt her with a thousand cuts. He’d made sneaky put-downs about his horrible childhood; how abandoned and neglected he’d felt. He’d provoked her until she’d gotten angry. Then he’d openly attacked her for her anger; his life had been ruined because his mother was always angry.

Cora had been humiliated and trapped in front of everyone. He’d spread lies about what she’d had done to him so other people would feel sorry for him. Every time Cora had tried to defend herself with facts, he’d accused her of hurting his feelings and destroying his self-esteem when he’d been growing up.

Cora decided to close the door until he’d proven to her, over time, without reward that a miracle had occurred; his heart had been changed.

Now she said, “I love you always, but I don’t like you and the way you treat me, so I won’t see you until you prove to me that you’ve changed.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Stop Self-Bullying: For people who were never (good) enough

Betty (fictitious name) kept trying to make her adult son happy but nothing she did was ever enough for him. Every conversation began with him listing all her failures. His negativity and criticism got louder and angrier as he talked. He was bullying, abusive and toxic. His focus was totally on her failures.

She would never consider suggesting that any of the things he said that were simply false, mean and cruel; that would be selfish and aggressive of her. She’d been taught that her repressed anger at his treatment of her was proof that she was the problem.

When Betty got honest, she admitted her parents, her siblings and her husband had treated her the same way.

She was never good enough to please any of them. Betty had always accepted 100% of the responsibility for any bad feelings or problems her parents, her siblings, her husband and her son had. The questions that seemed natural to her were, “It’s my fault. What did I do wrong? How can I try harder and give more?”

Betty realized, as a little child, she’d accepted the messages she’d been given in many forms:

• Your job is to serve others, not yourself.

• No matter how much you do, it’s never good enough.

• If you do enough, you might finally be loved, accepted, praised, appreciated, seen, heard, you might finally belong in our family.

• To whom much is given, much is required. Therefore, much is required of you.

• Shame on you, Betty, you’re simply not nice or kind or competent enough.

• If you feel good, if you’re happy, if you relax, if you do things for yourself, you’re selfish and you’ll get a swelled head.

Betty had never been allowed to simply Be; she must keep doing and serving all the time.

She realized she’d never relaxed, enjoyed or treated herself. Her breathing was strangled, her jaw and shoulders were permanently clenched. She felt like a hamster on one of those wheels; running harder and harder but never getting anywhere, doomed to be a failure. She’d always be criticized, shunned and abandoned no matter how much she tried.

Of course, Betty grew up desperate to be accepted, to belong in her family. But no matter how much she tried to serve and please them, no matter how successful she became in the outer world, her family kept putting her down as not enough.

Betty changed when she found her true Self and began to feel whole.

She realized she belonged to herself, as much as she’d been tormented, bullied and abused, an essential part of her was not damaged. When she accepted herself, her whole body relaxed. She said it felt like Grace. She stopped focusing on what she’d done wrong or why she wasn’t good enough for her family. Instead of self-questioning and self-doubt, instead of self-bullying, she began focusing on the outside world and what she wanted to do, not on what they told her she should do for them.

She was amazed at how relaxed and peaceful she became as she began to explore doing what made her happy, what made her Spirit rise. She was amazed at how free and airy she felt when she started ignoring their opinions of her worth. She accepted that she was “the Ugly Duckling” who was really a swan. Trying to serve them better, she had learned to be extremely competent. Also, she was a kind, caring person. They were selfish, abusive narcissists.

They were not her people. As hard as it seemed to do, she began to go looking for her people.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, ignore what you were told growing up

Alice (fictitious name) could never get her toxic, adult son to understand how hurtful and out of control his behavior was, especially in public. In front of the extended family at holiday gatherings or even guests in a restaurant, he would be super-critical, sarcastic and nasty. He loudly called her a horrible mother who never loved him and who’d ruined his life. Nothing she ever did was good enough.

She knew he was bullying, abusive and narcissistic, but she felt trapped. She’d never make a scene, even though he’d never accept all the examples she presented of what she’d done for him and the verbal abuse that she’d tolerated. She always tried to set an example of loving kindness, compassion and forbearance. But he never followed her example.

Then she realized that her parents had treated her the same way, only quieter and more manipulative with their guilt trips and their certainty about what was proper behavior for her. And her husband and some supposed friends had also pushed her against the old rules she had about what was proper behavior, and how she was allowed to respond to bullying and abuse.

Growing up, Alice had been taught by her parents, teachers and people at church:

• Be nice, give people what they want, and people will be nice in return. If you love people enough and make them happy enough, they’ll love you in return.

• Never sink to the level of a nasty person, set a good example of nice, kind, loving behavior. Don’t act in anger; if you do, you’re even worse than they are.

• If you’re five percent responsible, you must clear up all your imperfections first.

• Never say “No” to other people. Put other people first, put yourself last. If you ask for what you want or don’t want, you’re selfish.

• If people haven’t learned to be good to you, you haven’t been teaching good enough. If they don’t respect your wishes, it’s because there’s something wrong with you or the way you ask.

• Never make a scene, always hint what you want to people in the nicest way.

There were many other rules, but you get the idea.

Alice realized that her son and the people who preached those old rules, didn’t follow them.

Alice now knew that they beat those rules into her so they could manipulate and control her. They just used those rules to make Alice be their servant; to use and abuse her. They were thrilled when Alice accepted those rules and put their wishes first and her own feelings last. Alice realized their demands were endless. And she was never allowed to ask for or to do what she wanted. Everyone else came first. She counted only when she was their servant.

What’s wrong with those old ideas, beliefs, rules and roles?

The main problem with all the rules Alice or any of us took in when we were children is that we took them in when we were children; with a child’s understanding of when and where and how to apply them. That means, usually, we took them in as all-or-none, black-or-white. Therefore, we cannot apply them effectively as adults living in an adult world with many people who want what they want and who may or may not care about us.

Those rules, applied as children, are not effective strategies in dealing successfully with the adult world.

Alice finally considered the question, “How old do you have to be before you get to make up your own rules.

Alice started laughing. She said she realized she had to throw out all those old, childhood rules completely from her life. She had to create, as an adult, new, more effective rules about how to act in every area of life and with the different people she met. With some people, she would have the same rules but applied with adult understanding and skill. In other situations, she would have different guidelines. She decided she was old enough to use her own experience and adult wisdom to make up her own mind.

What did Alice do?

She began with her son. She spoke up calmly in public when he started abusing her. She told him she wasn’t accepting that behavior anymore. If he wanted to interact with her, he had to be polite and civil. She openly apologized to guests for her son’s behavior, simply saying that he was entitled and narcissistic, and hadn’t learned good manners. She’d never inflict him on nice people again.

And she acted on those words. She either accepted with good grace his storming off, or she excused herself and left. Then she went no-contact with him for increasing periods of time until he began to behave himself.

Then she turned to her husband and her parents and her supposed friends.

She never debated or argued with them. She said, matter-of-factly, these are my rules and I’m going to act on them.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, don’t let understanding, psychology make you a victim

Zara (fictitious name) had always minimized the pain and chaos her bullying, abusive, toxic, narcissistic, now-35-year-old son brought into her life because of what he claimed he’d suffered when he was growing up.

But even when he was an infant, he was critical, sarcastic, greedy, demanding and relentless in getting what he wanted and never doing what he didn’t want. She knew he was on the Asperger’s Spectrum. She’d divorced his father when her son was 9 because her husband was relentlessly cruel, bullying and abusive. She also knew her son was subjected to relentless criticism, anger and punishment when he saw his father on court appointed visits.

She felt so guilty because she couldn’t protect him, so she indulged his wishes in every way she could. And she protected him from the consequences of his out-of-control behavior at school and later when he argued with police officers.

All their psychologists and therapists told her to be more understanding and tolerant of his behavior.

They told her she had to keep asking, “why,” he did what he did. If she could accurately and completely understand why he attacked her in each incident, she could figure out how to satisfy what he really wanted. Then, he’d stop being angry and become loving.

They told her to keep trying to teach him through love, soft words, explanations and logic. She must never give him consequences or punishment. Someday, they said, if she said it right, he’d understand, be apologetic and model her forbearance.

But all her understanding and tactics did not lessen the pain and torment he caused her.

They told her it wasn’t his fault, so she must forgive everything.

His genetics and trauma were not his fault. He didn’t know any better, he’d never learned, and he wasn’t really a malicious person. She had to pretend it wasn’t so bad, to rise above, to be the bigger person.

They told her she should get him into therapy. But he refused to go. He said he was fine; all his problems were either her fault or the fault of a flawed society that refused to understand him or give him what he wanted. He said he was right, and he’d never admit he wasn’t. It was not his fault that he was unhappy.

Finally, Zara saw that all the psychology she’d used to explain his behavior had not lessened her pain and misery; she’d simply become a victim, a martyr to her understanding.

She realized he was very aware of what he was doing; he enjoyed torturing her.

His meanness had nothing to do with his being on the Spectrum. He was not unaware of her feelings. He enjoyed watching her suffer and thrash about, unable to make him happy. He was choosing to try to beat her into submission.

She remembered how he cleverly thwarted her every time she wanted to control her life, to do something to make herself happy. He had a sixth sense, so he knew just when to show up to destroy her plans. And then she’d caught him smirking when she was almost reduced to tears.

She decided to use a strictly behavioral approach.

She required him to be nice before he got anything from her, including listening to his problems. She stopped changing her plans when he tried to control and manipulate her. She stopped responding to his crises. She laughed when he complained that she didn’t understand him.

Of course, at first, he treated her worse, even in public. But as she disengaged from his demands, anger and manipulation, when she stopped engaging in teaching or in defending herself from his recriminations, he began to change. He was always testing the limits of how badly he could treat her. But when she simply stated her standards of behavior, instead of debating with him, and when she was stubborn about her rules and consequences, he started treating her with more appreciation and respect.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, be prepared to make a scene

Wendy (fictitious name) was so frustrated she almost exploded and told off her daughter in public. Her daughter always provoked Wendy and pushed her to the edge of her politeness. But Wendy held back. Making a scene would be so rude. She’d feel guilty, as if she was a bad person.

Not only in private or in front of the grandchildren, but even at big family occasions, in front of the whole extended family, her daughter was bullying, abusive and toxic. In addition to the eye-rolling and sarcastic remarks, she was critical and demeaning, nasty and cruel. Whenever Wendy didn’t do what her daughter wanted, she called Wendy selfish, demanding, controlling. She loudly and smilingly told everyone that Wendy had never been bright or competent enough, had tried her best but hadn’t been a good enough mother.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children will push you against the boundary of your politeness.

Wendy’s daughter knew Wendy would never argue or retaliate or make a scene in public. She also knew that if Wendy ever got angry, the whole extended family would turn on Wendy for disturbing the family peace, for not being the bigger person. They told Wendy that was just how her daughter was, to be understanding and tolerant, to forgive and forget, don’t be nasty or vindictive, don’t break up the family. If Wendy showed her daughter enough kindness, compassion and love, her daughter would eventually get over her hurt and start loving Wendy in return.

Their acceptance of Wendy’s daughter’s abuse gave her a free pass to be as toxic as she wanted, there would never be any consequences to her.

Wendy was stuck: she was provoked but if she got angry, she’d be attacked for being angry or vindictive.

That is a common tactic of covert, sneaky bullies. Please see the blog post: Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children provoke you, then attack (http://bulliesbegone.com/blog/2023/9/17/bullies-narcissists-toxic-adult-children-provoke-you-then-attack).

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children tell you how far you have to go before they’re willing to listen.

Wendy had accepted her daughter’s bullying and abuse; she’d begged and pleaded with her daughter to be nicer. She explained how much her feelings were being hurt, how much of what her daughter said was untrue, how much was cruel and painful. But those approaches never worked. Wendy’s pain was not a consequence or a deterrence for her daughter. Wendy would have to go much further to get her daughter to listen.

Wendy’s pain and silence were simply aphrodisiacs to her daughter.

Wendy finally acknowledged, deep in her heart, that her daughter enjoyed causing Wendy pain; she enjoyed getting away with stabbing Wendy in the heart. That epiphany changed everything for Wendy. She realized that if she continued keeping her old rule about having to be polite, of never hurting anyone’s feelings, her toxic daughter would always continue to abuse her. Her daughter didn’t have the same rule about what was polite. The only thing that would stop her daughter would be consequences she cared about. That might be other people turning against her.

Wendy decided that protecting herself was more important than taking abuse to be part of a pretend family; she would make a scene.

She would make her hurt feelings the subject of everyone’s talking or she’d learn to make clever come-backs to embarrass her daughter and to get everyone else emotionally on her side. At family gatherings, she started to cry and say, “You’re so mean and cruel. You’re so ungrateful after all I’ve given you.” And, after staring at her daughter in calm silence, “You’re setting an example for your children about bullying and abusing your mother. When they do it to you, remember where they learned it.” When her daughter said that Wendy had yelled at her, Wendy calmly said, “Yes, I was so frustrated. You always provoked me, you were a rotten daughter and needed to learn to be a nicer person.”

When Wendy continued to protect herself in public, and the extended family couldn’t get her to stop, they turned on her daughter.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, don’t “accept” them like they want you to

When Vera’s (fictitious name) son was in high school, he started blaming Vera for all his problems. He was negative, critical, sarcastic, and demeaning. He yelled and cursed at her in private and in public. Nothing she ever gave him or did for him was good enough; she was the worst mother ever. The older he got, the more demanding he got. By the time he was 35, he was threatening that she’d never see his children unless she begged his forgiveness and gave him all the money he wanted. And took all his verbal beatings.

He complained and bad-mouthed her, and told lies to all the extended family in order to try to create minions or flying monkeys.

In short, he was greedy, selfish, entitled; he was bullying, abusive and a narcissist. He was toxic to her happiness and well-being.

Vera’s family and friends told her she just had to accept him as he was.

Since her son was so convinced of his righteousness, she must have done something wrong to make him so angry. If she wouldn’t accept how her adult son treated her, she was vindictive, selfish and a grudge-holder. They told her that was just the way her son was and, as a mother, she should just accept him and be the better person.

They had the wrong meaning for the word “accept.”

For them, “accept” meant to put up with, tolerate and overlook his behavior, ignore her own hurt and pain, give up her own sense of truth and accuracy, stop being a person with her own boundaries and sense of dignity, be a martyr, it was her lot in life.

But something in Vera would not accept that view or that treatment. As much as she questioned herself, something in her rebelled. She was worth more than being treated like that. She simply wouldn’t accept it.

A better meaning of the word “accept.”

The hardest part for Vera was to accept the reality of her son’s mean and cruel actions towards her. And to accept that he had radically changed from a person who once loved her to a person who now got most of his pleasure hating her and who was addicted to being mean and cruel. It was like his body had been taken over by aliens. Or he had turned to the dark side.

When she accepted that she hadn’t done anything really bad to him, she could let go of her guilt, self-blame and self-bullying.

Vera also had to accept (trust) her accurate estimation of what he had done to her for years, and what he was likely to do in the future. She also had to accept that she could never change him.

After accepting those bitter pills, she had to decide what she wanted to do about his abusive treatment of her.

Vera decided that if she accepted his bullying behavior, and forgave and forgot, she would just be giving him permission to start tormenting her all over again. He would never have to try to change his ways. She decided she would not put herself in harm’s way for an illusion, a lie called “family” or “love” or “being a bigger person.” Her son’s way of doing family hurt her tremendously. That was not the family or love she wanted.

She told him and the rest of the extended family she was more hurt and offended than he was. She had zero percent of the blame for his treatment of her, he had one hundred percent of the blame. Before she’d accept him in her life, he would have to make public amends and change his behavior toward her. She’d also judge everyone else in the family by what they allowed him to say about her or do to her. She was going to be more stubborn in support of good values and good treatment of people than he was in support of his hatred and acting out. They’d better start telling him that he needed to change and become the bigger person.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, don’t forgive and forget

Tammy’s (fictitious name) oldest daughter began openly treating Tammy with contempt and disrespect when the girl was about thirteen. Tammy faced temper tantrums, unrelenting criticism, anger, bullying and abuse from that daughter for the next twenty-five years. Tammy’s other two adult children never behaved like that. They were always reasonable, accommodating, kindly and caring of Tammy’s feelings.

After each episode, Tammy’s extended family and friends said she should “forgive and forget.”

Tammy’s daughter often subjected Tammy to a loud and long silent treatment. After Tammy reached out repeatedly, her daughter would finally relent and say that she was willing to forgive Tammy and they could move forward with a clean slate. The extended family agreed with Tammy that her daughter was obviously a narcissist and had to have her way about everything by controlling Tammy. But they allowed her daughter to be angry, while telling Tammy to deliver everything her daughter wanted, accept all the abuse and never disagree. Her daughter was the most stubborn person and Tammy had to give in to her for the sake of the family. It was just the way that daughter was, and Tammy had to be the bigger person. She should forgive and forget, and try again and again, forever, with that daughter.

Tammy realized, “forgive-and-forget “never worked.

Tammy was finally clear. What her daughter really meant by forgive-and-forget was that Tammy had to pretend the previous thousand beatings didn’t matter, and Tammy had to be willing to subject herself to the next beating whenever her daughter decided to deliver it.

Tammy decided to put the ball in her daughter’s court.

When Tammy got over her self-blame and guilt, she told her daughter she was not going to put up with her behavior anymore. The problem was one hundred percent her daughter’s fault. What her daughter had to do to get back in Tammy’s world was:

1. Say she’d been behaving despicably. Confess that she was sorry.

2. Confess that she was sorry.

3. Say she loved Tammy.

4. Describe specific ways she would act differently so they could move forward together in a new way.

5. Prove to Tammy that she could act differently over time.

And Tammy gave her a list of new behaviors when the next situations happened. If her daughter did what Tammy wanted, Tammy also pledged not to beat her daughter up with every past incident and hurt feeling.

Tammy sent to everyone in the extended family a copy of what she’d told and written to her daughter. She told the family that moving forward, she was going to be the most stubborn person.

Tammy’s daughter threw a huge fit and complained to the whole family.

Of course, she threatened that she’d never allow Tammy to see her beloved grandchildren.

This was about what standards of behavior they would allow in their lives.

Tammy had prepared the family with the choice they had. This was not about which person they favored. Tammy was insisting that good behavior was more important than allowing someone in the family to abuse someone else they loved. She would no longer pretend to accept her daughter’s beatings, as if that behavior was okay. Pretend family was less important than real behavior.

Of course, many people in the family were horrified at Tammy’s choice and tried to plead or argue with her. They said, “Life is too short to upset the family unit.” Tammy replied that her life was too short to accept any more beatings. As they realized Tammy was, indeed, the most stubborn person, almost all told her daughter she had to change to maintain the family. Her daughter was faced with the choice of being blamed and excluded or changing her behavior.

1. Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

2. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

3. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, you’re “The Help”

Sally (fictitious name) finally had a compelling image to describe how her adult daughter treated her: Sally was “The Help.” With all its connotations and meanings, it was heart-breaking, but it was accurate.

Sally realized her daughter was a selfish, greedy, entitled narcissist.

According to her daughter, the focus of Sally’s life should be on making her daughter’s life easier…in every way and at any time her daughter wanted. Her daughter and son-in-law made lots of money, but they expected Sally to buy them everything they needed. Her daughter demanded a six-figure wedding and Sally was not allowed to invite her friends. Also, they expected Sally to give them the down payment for the fancy house they wanted, buy them cars and pay for their vacations. Sally was supposed to take care of her wants and needs before doing anything for her adult brother and his family. They expected Sally to spend all her savings and retirement money on them. After all, they said, it was theirs and they might as well start using it now rather than waiting until after Sally died.

Her daughter was controlling, demanding and bullying. If Sally ever hesitated or resisted, her daughter demanded to review Sally’s schedule and made changes so Sally could serve her daughter. If her daughter suddenly wanted to go to lunch with a friend or to get a pedicure, Sally had to drop everything and race 45 minutes over to the daughter’s house to baby sit for her 2-year-old granddaughter.

It was never convenient for her daughter to have lunch with Sally or to treat Sally to anything or to show up for Sally’s birthday party. Her daughter never appreciated anything Sally did; her daughter expected it. When her daughter was sick with the flu, after Sally had spent a week at her daughter’s house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the baby and serving her daughter’s every whim, her daughter was angry that no one had helped her. Sally’s efforts didn’t count toward her daughter keeping score of who loved her. Sally was The Help; she was expected to serve.

In sum, her daughter was whining, complaining, bullying and abusive to Sally.

Sally allowed herself to feel the pain when she realized that to her daughter, Sally was only there to be used and abused. To her daughter, Sally had no value as a human being or even as a mother. Her only value was as a servant who was supposed to put her daughter’s wants before her own.

Once, when Sally said she had made a previous commitment she didn’t want to break, her daughter exploded. She was too stressed out, her life would be ruined if Sally didn’t love her enough to do what she wanted. If Sally wasn’t there to help her, she and her husband might as well move away since there was no reason to stay near Sally. And Sally would never see her beloved granddaughter again.

Sally recalled hundreds of incidents, beginning when her daughter was very young, when the girl expected to be waited on, would never lift a finger to help and never show any gratitude. Sally was always walking on eggshells around her daughter. Being with her was never a good time.

The contrast to Sally’s adult son was what made Sally see that her daughter had chosen to treat Sally as “The Help.” Her son and his wife never demanded anything and were thankful for everything Sally did. They called Sally, sent her photos of their kids and treated Sally to fun times with them.

Sally started saying “No.”

She started telling her daughter that her plans were just as important to her as her daughter’s demands. She started telling her daughter that her daughter had to adjust to Sally’s schedule. But Sally had been mad before and had yelled those things. Her daughter simply ignored what Sally said.

Before, Sally had always felt guilty and given in and done what her daughter wanted. But this time Sally was different. She was calm and smiling. She stopped trying to teach her daughter, and she stopped debating and trying to get her daughter’s acceptance of her boundaries. This time Sally did what she’d said. When her daughter threw temper tantrums and started cursing, Sally applied consequences by increasing her “No.” And she stopped giving in to her guilt.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: Setting boundaries requires consequences

Ruth (fictitious name) had been unable to set boundaries with her 33-year-old daughter for decades, but her daughter simply wouldn’t agree to Ruth’s boundaries. Then Ruth realized she had the same problem with her mother and her husband.

No matter how many times Ruth explained how hurt she’d been and what she needed, they wouldn’t accept her reasoning, explanations or cries of pain. It was as if they didn’t care how she felt or what she wanted.

Those narcissists continued to control, bully and abuse her. They used her as their personal servant. Her job was to serve them and make them happy. Her wants, needs and happiness didn’t matter. Only their wishes counted. When she said she didn’t want to do something or when she objected to their treatment of her, they said she was too selfish or too sensitive. That emotional blackmail had worked all her life. They said that since they disagreed with the boundaries she was trying to set, they could ignore what she wanted.

Ruth had spent a lifetime trying to get them to listen, to understand and to accept her boundaries.

But they never understood or listened. Their negativity, criticism, put-downs, bullying and abuse continued unabated. Their demands on her time, energy and sometimes money escalated every time she said she was willing to listen to their side of things.

Surely, Ruth thought, they didn’t understand how much pain she was feeling, how trapped she felt. If only she could find the right words, they’d understand and then listen to her.

Surely, they must be right. She was the common denominator; she must be overly sensitive and very selfish since she wanted to put her wishes first. How could she make them so unhappy? Every time she thought of resisting, she felt so guilty.

With coaching, Ruth realized they simply wanted their own way; they didn’t want to stop using and abusing her.

When Ruth examined her history with them, she realized they knew perfectly well what they were demanding and doing. In fact, whenever she wanted to do anything for herself, they made sure they blocked Ruth’s attempt. Their demands were perfectly timed and cleverly phrased so she had to give up what she wanted and, instead, serve what they wanted. Whether they were doing it consciously or simply out of habit, the pattern was clear.

To Ruth, it felt mean and cruel.

Setting boundaries depends only on you and requires consequences.

Setting boundaries does not require that they understand or agree. Setting boundaries is unilateral; it’s 100 percent you. You begin with what you want or don’t want. You decide and then you act. Of course, as a nice person, Ruth will still take them into account, but always according to Ruth’s standards and values.

There’s a simple three-step process.

1. First, Ruth decided what to do or not do. Sometimes, she told them, sometimes she didn’t. Her time and energy were hers, to do with as she wanted.

2. When she thought it was useful, she told them the consequences if they didn’t listen to her.

3. Then, calmly and with a smile, she simply applied the consequences. She didn’t try to educate, debate or argue cleverly enough that they agreed to accept what she wanted.

If they disagreed with her decisions, she smiled and simply did what she said she would. Sometimes, she even allowed herself to make up new consequences on the spot. When they said that was unfair, she laughed and said she felt comfortable doing what she wanted. When they said she was selfish, she smilingly said she was the giver and they were selfish in their demands. When they said they would not see her again, she said that was their choice. Her choice was to do what she’d said.

A few examples:

• When her adult daughter yelled at her because Ruth didn’t give her money to enjoy a long weekend vacation, Ruth simply said she wasn’t going to listen to temper tantrums. And Ruth hung up, and then didn’t answer her daughter’s calls until three days later when her daughter started being nice on her voice messages.

• When her mother insisted that Ruth drop everything and drive an hour to pick her up and take her shopping right away, Ruth said she already had an appointment and wasn’t going to cancel it. When her mother started arguing, Ruth gave her the phone number of a local supermarket that would deliver food. Then Ruth went to her appointment.

• Ruth told her husband she had a big work project to do at home that evening, so she needed peace and quiet. As was his usual pattern, he changed his plans and showed up suddenly with friends to watch some sports. He demanded she prepare food for them. She packed her work and left to do what she had to. And didn’t come back until the next day.

At first, they tried lots of different tactics to beat her into submission. Then, they tried to manipulate and guilt-trip her. But as she calmly and smilingly increased the consequences, her mother and her adult daughter demanded less and gave back more. Her husband still refused to listen. What she did to him is another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Leave bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: find your tribe

Paula (fictitious name) realized she’d felt alone and lonely all her life.

She’d been the designated scapegoat in her family. Her father had been verbally cruel and physically abusive all her life, even on his death bed. Her narcissistic mother had rejected her and allowed her siblings to do whatever they wanted to her. The siblings, narcissists themselves, had bullied and tormented her, blamed everything they did on her and convinced her that if she resisted, they’d punish her more. No matter what she did, she could never please them enough to get any caring, appreciation or respect for who she was or what she wanted. She was the outsider; alone and lonely.

Her husband treated her the same way. Everything wrong was her fault, and she was guilty for disagreeing with him or displeasing him. Her three adult children were even worse to her. Although she always tried to set an example of giving, loving and service, they followed their father’s example. The milk of human kindness was never offered to her, only the back of their hands or their demanding, forked tongues. They tried to force her to drink their cup of poison. She was never good enough. Her anger at their treatment was proof that she was a bad, selfish person, and deserved all the pain they inflicted on her. Again, she felt totally alone; rejected and abandoned.

Paula realized that she’d been battered and bruised but never defeated.

Amazingly, Paula’s Spirit was still intact and strong. Even though she felt desperate to bond with her biological family, more strong were her feelings of dislike and anger at what they’d done and continued to do to her. She knew, deep in her heart-of-hearts, the fault was theirs. She never deserved their treatment of her.

She wrote and then told her life story as an escape from prison and torture.

Paula even created a free-form dance that went from one end of her house to the other – moving from the prison of their abuse, her old rules and desperation to win them, to the chosen freedom to be her unique and authentic self.

Her sense of herself was strengthened when she gave herself permission to acknowledge the truth she knew. No wonder she’d felt alone, rejected and vulnerable all her life. She’d been the “Ugly Duckling” in her biological family. Except for one aunt and uncle, her bio-family was intent on pecking her to death. That’s what ducks and chickens do to the one they designate as different or weak. It’s in their nature, and they take great pleasure in destroying that scapegoat. They bond through their hatred and attacks.

When she felt her life as a struggle to escape from prison and torture, to escape from ducks who would peck her to death, she became mentally, emotionally and spiritually freed to leave her prison and go find other swans – her true family.

She forgave them and herself, and stopped begging, stopped debating, stopped proving.

She stopped making excuses for their behavior and she stopped trying to win them over. She knew they’d never change, no matter what she did. So instead of repeating the same old episodes and complaints, she let go of them and of her desire to connect in the magical-thinking ways she’d hoped she could.

She simply stopped thinking about them except in rare moments, when she was sick or tired or there were family occasions that she always avoided. She exchanged holiday cards with the aunt and uncle who defended her and championed her success. She was polite and civil to the ones who belittled and demeaned her, but she wouldn’t engage with them. Their opinions no longer mattered to her. The old family dynamics were boring, and she simply wasn’t interested in playing any more.

She went looking for her tribe, her chosen family.

Being by herself was scary, but she was determined, persevering and full of courage. She took her longing for true family and searched for other swans. She was alone and lonely for a while but that was better than being lonely while surrounded by people who were trying to beat her into the square peg they wanted, to beat her Spirit out of her. She stopped worrying about who would take care of her in her old age or if she’d be alone when she was old. She knew that if she stayed with those ugly ducks, she’d only get taken care of as a prisoner on bread and water, with the love and joy beaten out of her.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, trust your “Accurate Intuition”

Olive (fictitious name) thought she’d been a loving and devoted parent but her 38-year-old son told her differently. He was critical, sarcastic, mean, cruel and abusive. Any time he wanted something, he repeated all the times she’d disappointed him or hurt his feelings, all the deprivation and pain she’d caused him growing up, all the times she’d yelled at him. She knew there was no deprivation; actually, she’d given him everything. She was sorry she’d yelled at him, but he’d provoked her repeatedly with his complaints, demands and resistance to doing anything she wanted. Simply put; he was a toxic, narcissist.

Olive didn’t trust her own judgment; she could never be sure.

She thought he was the problem, but she certainly could never convince him she’d given him everything she could afford and more. Every time she listed the things she’d done, and the love she’d expressed, he always said it wasn’t enough. His certainty and anger were so convincing, she thought she must be at fault, she must be guilty. When he bullied and attacked her, she felt like she was thrown out of her body; she didn’t have any way of connecting with the truth or with her own feelings.

She could never win an argument with him; he was never convinced. He filibustered and yelled. She could never get a word in to defend herself, so she’d given up and accepted his tirades.

When Olive found her Center, everything changed for her.

When she stayed in her body, when she felt connected to her Authentic Self, she accepted the truth she knew, in her heart-of-hearts. She knew and accepted her accurate opinion of him. She recognized all the times her son had criticized, bullied, abused and provoked her. She knew he was lying to himself. He’d created a fictional story that absolved him from any wrongdoing or from acknowledging his stupid mistakes. In his narrative, all his problems were her fault. Therefore, he was justified in making her pay anyway he wanted to at any moment.

Olive’s history told her that her intuition was accurate.

She remembered that she’d gotten a particular sensation, a physical feeling, whenever he looked at her a certain way. She knew he was about to go crazy and abuse her. She just wanted to run away. She remembered that she’d gotten this same sensation many times about him and also about her mother and a few men she’d dated and even about her husband. The sensation was not an emotional feeling, it was physical.

She also knew that every time she’d talked herself out of accepting that sensation as accurate (because she couldn’t prove what she knew in a court, because she didn’t want to believe she could sense other people accurately, that she couldn’t believe they’d really do bad things to her), she had paid a high price. Growing up, she knew her survival required that she ignore that knowing, those warnings, and accept the blame and keep her mouth shut or else.

Now she knew the sensation was always right, it was always accurate. She’d had similar feelings when she was full of hope for something good or full of fear that something bad might happen, but those feelings were not identical to the accurate one.

Olive decided to trust that sensation.

She knew that now she was an adult she could trust herself and act on what she knew to be accurate. She knew her life would be much better if she listened to that sensation and stayed in her body. She decided to trust her accurate intuition that her son was a nasty bully and nothing she could do, no amount of love and niceness or giving would change his attitude toward her. Then she began to think of the best way to do what her accurate intuition told her.

That meant cutting any economic ties to her son. She told him she’d never talk about money, and she’d never give him any money. Also, she would never allow him to verbally assault her or guilt-trip her. Their relationship would have to be based only on their desire to see each other and have a good time together.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: Watch who they marry

Nelly (fictitious name) thought she didn’t even know her 26-year-old son anymore; he was so different since he’d gotten married. In his senior year of college, he’d met a girl and within two months they’d gotten married. He said he couldn’t say, “No,” because she’d pursued him desperately and relentlessly; she loved him so much.

Her mother had been very eager for them to get married. Her mom said she was sensitive and fragile, and he had to give her whatever she wanted.

Nelly met her for the first time at their wedding, which was a fiasco for Nelly. The girl and her mother had arranged everything. None of Nelly’s family was allowed to attend. Her son said he knew he had to go along with their plans or his new wife-to-be would be devastated, throw a fit, threaten suicide, and it would be his fault for not cooperating. He confided that the best thing he could do was to go along with everything she wanted.

After that, her son’s wife made him move across the country to be near her mother. Three children followed in rapid succession. Nelly soon learned that every contact she made with her son led to his wife being easily offended. Imagined and minor slights were blown up, and she was always angry at Nelly. Her son told her his relationship with Nelly was too close; he needed to break away from her to become a man. Therefore, Nelly was not allowed to visit; all holidays were with his wife’s mother. He said his wife would raise their children her way; any help or advice from Nelly was unasked for and not wanted. If Nelly wanted to set up an appointment to see them and the babies, she was being too pushy and controlling. But his wife’s mother could come over any time, and then move in with them so the two of them could help Nelly’s son learn how to be a dutiful husband.

I always observe who people marry.

Nelly’s son had married someone who was intent on isolating him from his mother and the rest of his family. His wife was controlling, bullying, abusive and narcissistic.

Why had he married her and accepted her rules and control? Somewhere, latent within him had been the willingness to be agreeable, rescuing and controlled. Over a few years, and with three children as leverage, she’d magnified and converted Nelly’s son’s willingness to be nice and to please his wife, his unwillingness to argue and resist, into the resentment, nastiness and cruelty that had taken over his personality and his life. He was no longer a nice, sweet, kind person. He was a shell of his former self, acting out his wife’s need to hate and control. He gave up the values and life he’d wanted, and for the sake of a little peace and quiet, became a slave to his wife.

Analyzing “why” he’d done that is a waste of time.

Nelly’s son did not choose someone who wanted to support and encourage the strong family ties he once had the person and he wanted to become. Analyzing what caused her son to become such a slave is a waste of time. So is diagnosing his wife or searching for why she and her mother had become the toxic controllers they were. None of those guesses or explanations will help Nelly change the situation. Her son is committed and won’t hear anything against his wife. At this point, he won’t leave the children.

Also, guilt, self-recrimination and self-bullying won’t help Nelly.

What can Nelly do to save her son and her grandchildren?

She can’t save them. So long as her son gives control of his life to his wife, Nelly can’t intervene. If she tries, her son will be ordered to get a restraining order against her and to estrange completely from her.

All she can do is minimize contact with them in order to minimize the pain they cause her. She can send presents in large boxes to her grandchildren, no matter what her daughter-in-law says. She can pray for a miracle and hope and wait. Someday, maybe, her son will come to her with a get-away plan and a request for help. Then she’ll see what she can do.

In the meantime, Nelly has an excruciating task: To make her life as wonderful as she can while her heart is breaking. She’s not the first mother to have done that.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, their story is addictive

Mary (fictitious name) couldn’t believe her 33-year-old daughter’s lies and “false memories.” She accused Mary of abusing her when she was growing up, of being hyper-critical, of depriving her of birthday and Christmas presents, of never supporting her through high school and college.

At first, Mary defended herself factually, reasonably and logically, kindly and compassionately. She showed her daughter pictures of parties and presents, and reminded her daughter of the times she bailed her daughter out of the trouble she’d gotten herself in, and of the time, effort and money she’d spent to get her daughter through high school and college. That evidence only made her daughter angrier.

Mary followed the advice of friends and supposed experts: always take the blame; always apologize; always keep reaching out and asking for forgiveness, even though the accusations were false.

But that tactic never worked. No apology was ever enough. And after every apology, her daughter’s bullying and abuse got worse. Her demands escalated. When Mary protested against her daughter’s demands, her daughter finally accused Mary of sexually molesting her.

Of course, none of the accusations was true. The only abuser in the family had been Mary’s critical, narcissistic, emotionally and physically bullying ex-husband.

To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, their story is addictive.

They believe their story is absolutely true. Their story explains all their problems and relieves them of any responsibility for their poor choices and bad behavior. They ignore facts that contradict their life story.

Mary saw that “addiction” was an accurate word for her daughter’s behavior. Her daughter clung to her story like an addict clinging to a fix. It was the most important thing in the world to her. She was a fanatic defending her addictive story.

They are convinced they are without sin; they delight in casting as many stones as they can.

Her Daughter got pleasure from her hatred and righteous anger. And she could get a fix any time by simply re-experiencing the memories and hurts she’d invented. She also got a rush of pleasure of being cruel and vindictive to Mary in any way she wanted. She even wished that Mary would die right then and leave her Mary’s money and home. Not even Mary’s death would be enough to pay back all the (false) things Mary had done to her.

Mary questioned, “Did her daughter really believe her lies?”

Finally, Mary realized two things:

1. Somewhere deep in her daughter, she knew the truth. Every once in a while, Mary saw her daughter smirk when she caused Mary pain and when Mary groveled. And then her daughter would put her mask right back on. Her daughter’s mask was the hatred of a true believer in a cult. In her daughter’s story, Mary was the enemy, the infidel, her daughter had sworn to destroy.

2. The question didn’t matter. Mary could never get past the mask of hatred to find her daughter’s conscience. She could never rescue the daughter she loved from her addiction.

Mary knew she hadn’t been perfect, but so what?

Mary had often indulged in self-bullying: “Maybe, she shouldn’t have divorced her mentally and physically abusive husband, despite his cruelty and abuse to Mary and their daughter. Maybe, she’d given her daughter too much praise and freedom, and not enough discipline. Maybe, it was her fault her daughter was spoiled rotten.”

But Mary was able to pull herself out of guilt and self-recrimination. Her daughter had chosen the path of addictive anger, of an addictive story that fed her sense of righteousness, that justified her trying to get everyone she knew on her side against Mary. She also realized her daughter had chosen a partner who eagerly believed her stories and encouraged her to be cruel to Mary.

Even more, Mary realized that the whole idea of her having to be perfect in order to be respected and loved, to be treated politely and kindly was nonsense. Mary was well within a range of caring, good parents. It was the selfish, self-centered bullies, narcissists and adult children who claimed that their parents were supposed to give them what they wanted and to make them happy all the time. They thought they were entitled to their idea of “perfect” parents and if they didn’t get the perfection they sought, they were completely justified in doing whatever they wanted to make the parents suffer and submit. To them, causing pain was a just punishment.

They never thought about their responsibility to be good children or people. Or they believed they always were.

What did Mary do?

Her choices:

1. She could follow the advice of friends and supposed experts, and keep apologizing, keep accepting the demands and abuse in the hope that one day her daughter would wake up cured, conscience stricken, and apologize and change.

2. She could follow her own spirit and say, “Enough.” She knew the mental and emotional beatings were destroying her Spirit. With compassion and determination, she could demand her daughter treat her politely and civilly or she wouldn’t allow her in her personal, mental or emotional space. She could demand that her daughter prove her good intentions over time and without reward. If her daughter would not make amends, Mary would keep her out of her life.

Mary decided on the second course of action. She knew, deep in her heart, that path was the only chance she had to make the wonderful, bully-free life she wanted to live. Even though she was afraid of where the path of hate would take her daughter, Mary also knew if she didn’t set clear and firm boundaries, if she continued to rescue and enable her daughter, she would doom her daughter to a life of addiction.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children provoke you, then attack

In a moment of clarity, Laura (fictitious name) saw her 29-year-old son smirk after she’d gotten angry and just before he was about to attack her for her outburst. She recognized how her son had always rendered her impotent; helpless and hopeless. He would provoke her relentlessly until she got angry and protested loudly. Then he would claim his feelings were hurt and he’d attack her for being angry and out of control.

His gaslighting was relentless.

With an innocent smile, he claimed he didn’t know what he’d done. She had to give him examples of what he’d done that was so bad. Then he denied doing that; she must be remembering wrong. And, with complete conviction, he’d tell her something different had happened. Or he claimed she misunderstood him or misunderstood his intentions. She was too sensitive; she over-reacting.

She was a bad person, a bad mother, and she had to give him what he wanted in order to make up for her outrageous anger.

To control her, the same tactic had been used by Laura’s parents and siblings, and then by her husband.

Laura saw that when she was growing up, she had been alternately ignored or overruled or criticized and put-down for everything she did. No one cared what she thought or wanted. She was never good enough to please them. They knew better than she in every area of life. When she said “No” to what they wanted, or when she said she wanted to do something else, they said she was an arrogant, selfish narcissist.

She’d been provoked in a hundred ways, but everyone else’s focus was on the anger she finally expressed. She was always frustrated and angry. She felt like giving up and just accepting that she was incompetent.

She’d been trained to think she was a bad person; her uncontrolled rage was the source of all family conflicts. If only she could control herself, life would be wonderful. No matter how much she prayed for inner peace or how much she tried to please them, she never seemed to achieve that. She knew she was a bad person because in her heart she just wanted to change her name and run away from them all, and leave no forwarding address

Many bullies, narcissists and toxic adult children focus on your anger and their hurt feelings.

They never allow you to talk about the original things they did to frustrate, demean or hurt you. You’re told you’re never saying things in the right way; the most peaceful, non-confrontational way. The problem is always you. Your feelings don’t matter. They won’t listen to your complaints about them until you’re perfect. Most important to them is their hurt feelings because you’re not submitting humbly to their will.

Laura was trained to carry a huge burden of shame and guilt. Her husband and son would have wonderful lives if she were calmer, kinder, more caring. The least she could do was to apologize for her faults and give them everything they want.

After that moment of clarity, Laura prepared herself to speak her son’s pattern out loud.

She wrote a short, bullet-pointed speech so she’d remember what she wanted to say. The next time he started to provoke her, she smiled and laughed at him, and calmly told him what he was doing. He was stunned and silent for a moment. Then he acted crushed because she was being mean to him. She laughed again and calmly told him she wasn’t going to play that game anymore. Did he need a time out to calm himself down?

She remembered she was not on trial here. She didn’t have to debate or prove anything to him. She did not have to please him or make him feel good. She was testing him. She asked if he would be willing to focus first on what he was doing, or did he want to continue acting like an injured victim, which would prove he was a bullying, abusive adult who wanted to be in absolute control of her.

Of course, that wasn’t the end of his attempts to provoke her. But Laura persisted. When she was hooked occasionally, she stepped back and focused on the provocations and said she wasn’t going to play his game.

Then she turned on her husband’s use of the same tactic.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, stand up for your personal and family rules

Kari (fictitious name) was successful when facing difficult, bullying, narcissistic people in her business life but couldn’t stand up to her selfish, entitled, abusive, toxic adult son.

After she’d divorced his alcoholic, bullying, selfish, abusive father she’d worked hard to prove that she could make it in life without him, to give her son everything he wanted. Her son had demanded and taken everything she’d sacrificed for but once he didn’t need her money, he attacked her cruelly and viciously. He cursed her when he was unhappy and because she ruined his life. Even though she’d given him everything when he was growing up, if she said “No” now, she wasn’t loving and caring enough, she was difficult and demanding, she was selfish and cruel. When he wasn’t yelling at her, he gave her “the loud-silent treatment.”

And to rub it in, he started praising and hanging out with his father, who’d never contributed a penny to him, hadn’t been interested in seeing him when he was growing up, and also bad-mouthed Kari at every opportunity.

Business, personal and family rules.

Kari realized she had a great set of personal rules that helped her maintain productive relationships in her professional life, but she didn’t honor those same rules in her personal life. She laughed with recognition when I told her some of our family rules. They were the same as the ones she used in business and that she wanted in her personal life.

Some of our family rules are:

1. We don’t do melodrama. We just deal with things. No temper-tantrums, hissy-fits, loud-silent treatments, gossip, emotional vomiting, guilt-tripping.

2. We don’t use our feelings to force other people to give in or to dance on eggshells around us. When we disagree, we approach the other person and talk things out. We don’t beat each other into submission, use emotional blackmail, or manipulate, lie or deceive to get what we want. We don’t use hurt feelings, sulking, withdrawal, self-righteous anger, victim attitudes to manipulate other people.

3. We be gracious. That’s the price of admission to our world.

   We don’t be sarcastic or demeaning, or use put-downs; we don’t manipulate, stab-in-the-back, make cutting remarks, set people up to fight, spread gossip. We don’t provoke people and then attack the upset person. We’re not control freaks who demand other people do things our way (the Right Way, the Way it Should be).

4. We take time with each other; we listen, hear, try to understand and know. We promote the real you, not just the perfect image or the perfect personality or the way we want you to be.

5. We don’t give or take things personally. We don’t agree with each other all the time or even on all the important issues, but we can communicate with kindness, caring and a strong intention to have wonderful times together.

6. We get together to make our times interesting and fun. Our relationships are not based on money, submission, enabling or rescuing.

Good behavior is more important than bad blood.

The big shift inside Kari was when she decided that good behavior was more important to her than bad blood. She moved her personal/family interactions into the same space she held for her business relationships. That is, no matter who you are, Kari will let you in her personal space only if you act according to her rules for polite, civilized behavior.

That decision made everything clear, simple and straightforward for Kari. She might not end up with the relationship she wanted with her son, but she’d end up with a personal space that was wonderful to live in, that was bully-free.

How Kari handled her son’s reactions.

When she told her son how she was going to live the rest of her life, he exploded and attacked her even more than usual. He said, “You’re not in charge, you’re destroying the family, I’ll never talk to you again, you’ll never see your grandchildren.”

Kari smiled and calmly said that was the way it was going to be for her, and he could make his own decisions on what kind of person he wanted to be. When he got even more cruel, she said she was going to block him for a month. And she did.

When the month was over, she unblocked him and said she was ready to give him another chance if he wanted to behave better. Whenever she waffled because she wanted to make her son happy and also, because she’d never wanted anyone to be angry at her, she remembered what Winston Churchill said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Will your bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult child destroy your grandchildren?

Janis (fictitious name) worried constantly about her grandchildren. Her daughter had turned against her and was brainwashing the three grandchildren, aged 4-9, to hate Janis. Despite all Janis had done for her daughter before and after her marriage and motherhood, her daughter had yanked the three grandchildren away from Janis. Unless Janis apologized for the thousandth time and did her daughter’s bidding every moment, Janis would never see the children again.

Janis’ daughter had always been difficult and demanding. When she didn’t get what she wanted, she’d throw temper tantrums. She’d yell, curse, and blame Janis for ruining her life. She was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. She’d become even worse after she had the first grandchild. Janis had watch her grandson every day for his first three years while her daughter shopped and played with her friends and her husband. Her daughter was proud and gleeful; now she had a hold over Janis. If Janis ever wanted a break or withheld the money her daughter demanded, her daughter would threaten to withhold Janis’ grandson.

It got worse when the next two grandchildren were born.

Had Janis ever done anything so bad?

No. Janis knew that the worse thing she’d ever done was to give into her daughter when she was growing up because she was afraid of what her daughter would do if Janis really denied her anything, and because Janis had taken a vow to give her children the love and caring she’d never gotten. Later, in order to give her grandchildren love, stability and good values, Janis accepted the bullying and abuse her daughter dished out.

Janis was invulnerable to the horror of her own upbring.

Janis’ parents had been alcoholic, rage-aholic and totally addicted to doing what they wanted, without a thought for their children. Usually, they neglected their children and any attention they gave them was through criticism, put-downs, demands and physical beatings. Except for the one who was the Golden Child: given everything, never asked to do anything and waited upon by all the others. Growing up in the anger and craziness, Janis felt unloved, brutalized and abandoned: Cinderella in her bio-family. But Janis had come though. She became a strong, independent, self-supporting and loving adult who was present and caring for her daughter.

Unfortunately, Janis’ siblings had been destroyed in different ways by the praise showered on one and the neglect and brutality visited on the rest. The Golden Child had become a selfish, entitled, petulant, whining, complaining, demanding, domineering failure. Another had become an abusive bully. Another had become a victim, bullied by her husband and children, as well as her parents. The last had become rebellious against the world and was always creating chaos, disaster and failure. All had let their upbringing destroy their characters and ruin their lives.

Will Janis’ bullying, narcissistic, toxic daughter destroy her grandchildren?

Janis feared for her grandchildren. They were growing up in an environment that had many similarities to her own growing up. The physical brutality was less but the neglect, criticism and put-downs were the same. They saw their parents getting what they wanted from Janis and her son-in-law’s parents by overt bullying or sneaky manipulation. Also, they were pitted against each other, fighting for what little love, affection and goodies that were available. It was dog-eat-dog.

Janis had chosen to be invulnerable; her siblings had chosen to be corrupted and destroyed. She knew that happened in many families like hers had been. One out of 3-4 would be invulnerable; they would become people Janis could admire. They would get away and make good lives for themselves. The rest would sink into the sewer that they’d been raised in.

Should Janis give in to the verbal, emotional and physical beatings in order to protect and save her grandchildren?

There is no Right Answer to this question. We don’t know the future and we can’t guarantee anything.

Many experts and Janis’ friends would tell her to endure whatever her daughter did to her in order to set an example of kindness, goodness and caring for the grandchildren. She could show them how good love felt good; she could be a model of good character.

On the other hand, by accepting her daughter’s bullying and abuse, she’d be showing them that bullying and abuse succeeded. She’d be showing them that there were two kinds of people: bullies and losers. And she would be a model of a victim.

What Janis did.

Janis chose to assert her standards of good behavior. She’d insist that good behavior was more important than the name of a relationship like “daughter,” even if that meant resisting her daughter’s anger and manipulation, and having her daughter deprive her and the grandchildren of the joy they had together. She told the grandchildren what she was going to do, and the likely consequences. She hoped they grow to understand and to find her when they became independent of their parents.

She hoped at least one would be invulnerable to effects of their upbringing.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children say, “Since you weren’t perfect, I can punish you forever.”

Iris (fictitious name) was tired of being verbally abused by her 40-year-old son and especially tired of feeling guilty. He was negative, critical and bullying. He claimed she’d ruined his life; his problems and failures were all her fault. Nothing she ever said or did quenched his anger and, therefore, relieved her guilt. No apologies or gifts were ever enough.

He told her, “You deserve whatever I want to do to you as long as you live.”

He felt entitled to say or do anything he wanted to her. He could punish her in any way he wanted (verbally, emotionally, physically) and she was supposed to take it. She could give him every penny she had and go live on the street, and it still wouldn’t make him happy; it still wouldn’t be enough.

She knew she hadn’t been a perfect mother, but she didn’t think she was that bad.

If anything, she’d given him too much and protected him from the consequences of his stupid decisions at school, at work and with the police. She thought she’d created this monster. He was a selfish, entitled, demanding, whining, complaining, cruel narcissist who claimed he was always the victim of other people. And it was her fault.

Righteous indignation and anger were his default setting.

Actually, she knew he’d been that way even when he was a little child. He always drove away friends, insulted teachers and acted like the whole world owed him what he wanted. She’d always given in and tried to protect him from the consequences of his actions because she knew if she hadn’t, the fight with him would even be worse. She just prayed he’d finally understand how nasty he was and miraculously change; he’d finally grow up.

I asked her, “Who said you had to be perfect in order to be loved, appreciated, respected, and treated civilly and politely?”

Where did you get such that idea? We both knew the answer. She grew up being told she had to be a perfect mom. She vowed she’d give her son everything she hadn’t gotten, including understanding, kindness, forgiveness, and unconditional love. He’d grown up expecting the same. All the media, the experts and his friends told him she was supposed to give him what he wanted. Her job was to please him and make him happy. He didn’t have to give her anything unless he thought she’d earned it. His job was to demand more submission and obedience.

Iris realized that to him, “perfect mother” meant she always did what he wanted, gave what he wanted, made him happy. That is, she had to support, validate and eventually worship him. He was always right. Her job was to serve and take the beatings with humility and appreciation for his correction of her insufficient efforts.

Iris kept asking, “Why does he keep punishing me?”

She finally accepted the truth she’d been avoiding. His behavior was explainable and predictable if she looked at him as if he was an alcoholic or addict. He was addicted to his view of the world (he was entitled to be given everything he wanted, every moment, and nothing was ever his fault) and to the pleasure he got from torturing her. He enjoyed being mean and nasty, enjoyed hurting and punishing her. He was one of the many people she knew about, through all of history, who loved being right and loved hurting people who didn’t agree with or worship them. He was a missionary for his own view of himself and the world.

What Iris did.

Her first step was to find the place in her where she knew the truth, where she had always known the truth. She’d been a good parent; she was not responsible for his pain or anger, she was not guilty. The responsibility and fault were one hundred percent his. He’d never listened to her; he’d made poor choices and thrown temper tantrums all his life. His story of his life was self-serving, false and warped.

Her guilt was gone and only returned in flashes occasionally. And that guilt no longer moved her to feed his addiction.

She didn’t need his understanding, forgiveness, permission or agreement to deal with him the way she wanted. And the best help she could give him was to stop enabling him; to stop feeding his addiction.

Then she told him she was so disappointed in him; it broke her heart. He’d become so weak; he’d thrown away such great potential. She loved him but she didn’t like, respect or admire him. She was letting go of enabling and rescuing him. He was on his own. She was challenging him to succeed in life without his mommy’s help. Their adult relationship would never again have money involved, never again have abuse toward her. She knew he still had goodness and greatness within him. She’d encourage him; she’d cheer him on from the sidelines, but she wouldn’t take any bullying or abuse from him.

Of course, he threw a temper tantrum at her; he blamed her, he cursed her. She said, “I’m blocking you for one month. I’ll give you a chance to do better after that. If you keep acting like a little boy, I’ll give you a longer time-out.”

A funny thing happened. Iris felt like dancing. Even though she was scared about his future, she felt free for the first time in decades. She knew, with every fiber of her being, she was saving the only life she could…hers.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, nothing is yours

Hanna (ficticious name) finally let herself accept the truth of what her toxic, narcissistic 34-year-old son told her.

He’d been living a terrible life of his own choosing in another town for 13 years, texting or calling when he wanted money or to criticize, bully, abuse and rage at her. He called her the worst names she’d ever heard, and blamed all his self-inflicted problems on her. His life was ruined, and it was her fault for not giving him everything he needed and all the emotional support he demanded. Even though she knew she’d given him as much as she could, and had done everything she could to bail him out of danger and trouble, it was never enough. She couldn’t shake her guilt and twin fears: for his safety on the streets and for her own safety if he ever got mad enough to carry out his threats.

Hanna finally believed him when he said she owed him; he owned her and everything she had.

He said her house was his home so she couldn’t date anyone unless he approved, couldn’t change anything in the house, couldn’t sell anything and couldn’t take a trip or move unless he gave permission.

Hanna realized she’d never been allowed to live the life she’d wanted.

When she was growing up, nothing was hers. She had no privacy; her parents could go into her room whenever they wanted, read her diary, go through her clothes, tell her what clothes to wear, how to fix her hair, what foods to eat, who she could talk to, where she could go and what school activities she could do. They were negative, critical and manipulative. Whenever she resisted, she was being selfish. Or they shunned her or threatened physical violence. Her life wasn’t hers; she had to fit their mold.

Her ex-husband had treated her the same way. He said, “You took my name, so you’re my property.” He claimed he owned her body and her mind. She owned nothing. And that was that. But, eventually, she wanted her own life. She wanted to say “yes” or “no” and have that rule. That was the fundamental reason she’d finally divorced him.

Hanna found the fiery Spirit still burning her and began to claim her own life.

She found a place in her heart and her gut which was hers and hers alone. She was filled with a sense of freedom and peace – peace like a river. She was fine. And she had the freedom to do what she wanted.

Now she was an adult with the power to have her own space and to create her own life. She didn’t need anyone’s approval or permission. Her old guilt and fear, her own self-bullying were gone. She moved beyond thinking she deserved to be in charge of her own life, and into simply determining that she would have her own life.

Wanting her own life wasn’t selfish.

She wasn’t a selfish person. She would still be kind and caring, she’d still be giving and sympathetic. And she’d do that in reciprocal, mutually giving relationships with other people. She would not do that in one-way relationships with takers like her son. She’d protect herself from being bled dry by people like that.

Wanting was a good enough reason to be determined and relentless.

She would make her own place or die trying.

Asking without consequences is begging.

Instead of begging for his agreement, she texted her son and told him her house was not his. He was out because she decided he was out. He was an adult and if she ever allowed him in it again, he would be a guest. In the meantime, she didn’t want to hear what he thought or felt or wanted. She was going to go no-contact for at least a year. During that time, he’d have to prove he could take care of his own money and stay out of jail. If he contacted her or came around, she’d call the police and get a restraining order. After a year, she might meet him at a restaurant to see if she wanted to let him start making amends for the way he’d treated her.

One part of her thought that was harsh, but her Spirit told her she had to let him know she was serious. She would be testing him to see if he behaved good enough for her to allow him in her life and in what ways.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Healing Scapegoats of narcissistic parents and abusive Golden Children – Part 2

In the previous post, [http://bulliesbegone.com/blog/2023/2/22/healing-scapegoats-of-narcissistic-parents-and-abusive-golden-children-part-1], I described Gena’s (fictitious name) life as scapegoat-fixer-enabler. She was bullied and abused by her toxic parents and narcissistic golden-child siblings. She grew up as the person designed to make everyone else happy, to fix their problems and to be blamed for everything. Even when she succeeded, she was always labeled selfish and not good enough.

Of course, they claimed they loved her and they were only trying to help her see the truth about herself. She was the source of the toxic bio-family problems. When they were angry at her and hurt her, they were justified because she’d been wrong again. She was deluded, selfish, hyper-sensitive, over-reactive and very flawed. It was five against one so obviously she couldn’t trust her own judgment.

Growing up, Gena had split into two opposing sides.

• One part accepted the role of fixer-enabler-scapegoat. People-pleasing seemed the only way to make them happy and to keep the bio-family together. If she didn’t put her own feelings and wishes aside, the family unit would be destroyed, and there would be no one to love and take care of her. She’d never be happy and fulfilled. She’d be alone.

• The other part was angry and hated them. Their treatment of her was cruel and abusive. They were bullies and narcissists. They didn’t care about her as a person; they cared only when they could use and abuse her. If she didn’t get away, she’d never be happy and fulfilled. She’d be alone.

Gena realized both parts wanted the same thing. Both wanted her to live the life she wanted, to be loved, appreciated, respected, happy, full of joy and zest for life. Both wanted her to be with people who appreciated and cared for her. Both wanted her to find her tribe; people who loved her tender.

When Gena found her Center, her Authentic Self, she saw the toxic, bio-family patterns clearly.

She saw the few moments of kindness that lured her into staying connected to mean, nasty people who’d caused her a lifetime of torment and pain, a lifetime of self-doubt and low self-esteem. They wanted to strip away her sense of self and replace it with a reality that would doom her to a lifetime of servitude and slavery, of guilt and continual effort to please and connect with people who simply wanted to use and abuse her. They wouldn’t let her have the life she wanted. They insisted she have the life they chose for her.

Gena realized her old beliefs and self-talk were wrong. Instead, she found the truth deep inside her.

1. Nothing was her fault. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Actually, she’d tried to understand and forgive them a thousand times. The selfishness was in their personalities and characters. They’d provoked her and punished her for no reason. Or rather, whenever they felt bad or were angry, they blamed her and kicked the dog (her). Whenever they were bored, they set her up and then hurt her. Whenever they were scared, they beat her and felt better. Whenever they wanted excitement, they tormented her and blamed her for getting angry. They minimized, ignored or justified the pain they’d caused her.

2. Whenever she was happy, they took her happiness away. The few moments of happiness she had with them were fleeting interludes before the next attacks. They were relentlessly critical, demeaning, blaming and abusive. When her happy shoulders finally slumped, they celebrated their triumph. Sometimes she caught them smiling or smirking when they ruined her mood.

3. There was and is nothing wrong with her. She was not bad, sinful, weak, selfish, incompetent, too horrible to love, doomed to failure. Nothing they’d ever done to her, nothing disgusting she’d ever done to win their approval, nothing they’d made her do that was wrong or gross had damaged or tarnished her Spirit, her Soul.

4. Her anger had been normal in response to what they did. Her reactions were protective, survival, life-affirming. No one outside the family believed her, not because she was hypersensitive, exaggerating or crazy, but because of the fake images the bio-family projected in public.

5. The common element in all those abusive interactions was not her defects; it was them. They wanted a scapegoat-fixer-enabler and they’d chosen her as the victim. The common element was the role they wanted to coerce her into and their dedication to beating, manipulating and guilt-tripping her into that role.

Gena wanted to change herself and the family dynamic; they didn’t.

They wanted to preserve the family image, the family dynamic. They wanted to preserve their pleasure at being the masters of a servant and scapegoat they could whip whenever they wanted. Gena was the only one who was suffering. The rest liked the arrangement. The more Gena tried to point things out, to educate, to prove, the more they resisted her. They refused to deal with the past. They said she was lying, exaggerating, selfish, mean, cruel, exposing their family to ridicule, hurting their feelings, tarnishing their parents’ memories. They pulled together even more tightly, questioned her sanity and began to shun her. They didn’t care about her feelings.

They’ll never change because of anything Gena can say or do or prove.

They’ll never admit the truth. Or if they admit a little of it for a moment, a minute later they’ll carry on as if the admission doesn’t matter. Her efforts to prove herself will only cause more pain to herself. Changing them would take a miracle and that’s above her pay grade.

Gena saw the trap she’d naturally created when she decided they were the only real family she’d ever have and, if she didn’t have them, she’d be alone, unloved and lonely.

Of course, Gena struggled to maintain her thinking, her changed feelings and her new life. Of course, they continued to blame her. They told her the most important thing in life was her bio-family.

Her guilt left when she felt the truth in every fiber of her being and she was able to say, “Never again.” She realized their opinions didn’t sway her from her own knowing. Their opinions and predictions only told her about them and their agendas.

Gena put herself at the center of her life, not at the periphery.

Previously, they’d been at the center of her life. Now, she could be authentic with herself and with all the people she met. They would get to see the real Gena, not the one beaten into the role of slave-scapegoat. She stopped hunching over, waiting for the next blow and exploding with anger when it came. When the need to connect with them dissipated, she stopped being triggered by them. She was comfortable, even happy, with the distance she created.

Now she did a simple calculation before deciding what to do with them.

Did she really have to make them feel good or to rescue them? Did she want to endure being with them for a phone call, a day, a weekend, a family occasion? How long would it take for her to recover from the emotional pain of being with them? Would the fake or superficial interactions with them detract from whatever else she wanted to do during that time? What else could she be doing to feed her Soul? Would being with them distract her from finding her true family, the family of her heart, mind and Spirit?

Gina started looking for her True Tribe.

She stopped trying to connect with her toxic bio-family. She withdrew from them, not to try to change them but to create the life she wanted without them. She dedicated herself to connecting with people who liked who she really was and who make their connection interesting and exciting.

She knew she wouldn’t be alone. It might take a while but there were more people like the ones who already appreciated, respected and genuinely like the Gena they knew.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Healing Scapegoats of narcissistic parents and abusive Golden Children – Part 1

When Gena (fictitious name) accepted she’d been the Scapegoat in her supposedly loving family, she started on her path to freedom and to her own life, lived the way she wanted.

Her narcissistic mother had selected her, her toxic father had piled on and her selfish, Golden-Child siblings had enjoyed tormenting her. Growing up, she’d been bullied and abused by her toxic biological family. She was told she didn’t know what was actually happening, wasn’t judging people or situations accurately, and couldn’t trust herself. When she was verbally or physically abused, she deserved it. She was required to forgive them immediately; they were doing the best they could. She had to make interactions safe for them and keep their secrets. She was supposed to make everyone else happy before herself.

In addition to being the designated scapegoat, Gena was also designated the fixer-enabler.

Her role was to keep the peace by making everyone happy. She was the nicest and most competent sibling. No one else was willing to help. Her designated role in life was to fix all their problems or terrible things would happen. If she failed, her parents would fight, the family would be destroyed, and everyone would punish and torment her. She’d be destroyed.

That was their reality, and it was five against one so she must be the problem. Even if she did smooth things over and suffer in silence, she was labeled too selfish and never perfect enough. If she protested, she was ungrateful and rebellious, and was attacked by everyone. She was damned if she did/damned if she didn’t. As a child, there was no way out of that reality.

She’d been taught and had then trained herself to be a people pleaser and an enabler in order to survive. If she wasn’t perfect, all the abuse heaped on her was her fault. She grew up living in fear of not pleasing them. If they were upset, they withdrew their love and punished her even more severely.

Later, she’d selected a negative, critical, demanding and demeaning husband who reinforced her worst self-bullying.

Her toxic, adult children also scapegoated her. All of them were charming in public but predators in private.

She had to make everyone happy or else. Now, whenever someone was upset, she was triggered into thinking she was in big trouble. She reinforced the message that she was never good or perfect enough, and she didn’t deserve happiness. It was her fault, even when it wasn’t. Her outrage and resistance were signs she was a bad person who should be punished.

When she was a child, Gena had decided if only she could please them, educate them, love them enough, they’d love her in return, and she’d be connected to the most important people in her life.

The effects of that childhood decision had, indeed, helped her survive her horrible childhood, but had also ruined her adulthood. She’d thought if she knew what she’d done wrong, she could make it okay and get them to love her. She thought her survival, even as an adult, depended on getting her toxic bio-family to understand and to accept her as the good person she was.

She grew up believing:

• She didn’t know what was real or imagined, what was the truth, what was right from wrong.

• She didn’t really know what she thought, felt or wanted. Anyway, what she felt and wanted was less important than what everyone else felt and wanted. If she thought for or about herself, she was selfish.

• She was born bad, defective, broken and stained. She didn’t deserve better treatment. She was guilty. They were only trying to help her.

• Without them, no one would love her; she’d be alone and fail completely. She was certain no one would believe her side of the story.

• She was the common element in all these horrible interactions with all those people. Therefore, obviously, she was the problem and should become more loving, caring and accepting.

Like every scapegoat, Gena was never heard, never counted. Well, every once in a while, there was a moment with a nice gesture, a connection that seemed like love. But ten minutes later, the caring was gone and she was once again the target of bullying and abuse.

Gena was not even a second-class citizen in the country of her bio-family. She was the servant or slave to her bio-family masters.

In the next post we’ll focus on Gena’s new beliefs and feelings, and what she did to extricate herself from the role of scapegoat-fixer-enabler.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.