Sally (fictitious name) finally had a compelling image to describe how her adult daughter treated her: Sally was “The Help.” With all its connotations and meanings, it was heart-breaking, but it was accurate.
Sally realized her daughter was a selfish, greedy, entitled narcissist.
According to her daughter, the focus of Sally’s life should be on making her daughter’s life easier…in every way and at any time her daughter wanted. Her daughter and son-in-law made lots of money, but they expected Sally to buy them everything they needed. Her daughter demanded a six-figure wedding and Sally was not allowed to invite her friends. Also, they expected Sally to give them the down payment for the fancy house they wanted, buy them cars and pay for their vacations. Sally was supposed to take care of her wants and needs before doing anything for her adult brother and his family. They expected Sally to spend all her savings and retirement money on them. After all, they said, it was theirs and they might as well start using it now rather than waiting until after Sally died.
Her daughter was controlling, demanding and bullying. If Sally ever hesitated or resisted, her daughter demanded to review Sally’s schedule and made changes so Sally could serve her daughter. If her daughter suddenly wanted to go to lunch with a friend or to get a pedicure, Sally had to drop everything and race 45 minutes over to the daughter’s house to baby sit for her 2-year-old granddaughter.
It was never convenient for her daughter to have lunch with Sally or to treat Sally to anything or to show up for Sally’s birthday party. Her daughter never appreciated anything Sally did; her daughter expected it. When her daughter was sick with the flu, after Sally had spent a week at her daughter’s house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the baby and serving her daughter’s every whim, her daughter was angry that no one had helped her. Sally’s efforts didn’t count toward her daughter keeping score of who loved her. Sally was The Help; she was expected to serve.
In sum, her daughter was whining, complaining, bullying and abusive to Sally.
Sally allowed herself to feel the pain when she realized that to her daughter, Sally was only there to be used and abused. To her daughter, Sally had no value as a human being or even as a mother. Her only value was as a servant who was supposed to put her daughter’s wants before her own.
Once, when Sally said she had made a previous commitment she didn’t want to break, her daughter exploded. She was too stressed out, her life would be ruined if Sally didn’t love her enough to do what she wanted. If Sally wasn’t there to help her, she and her husband might as well move away since there was no reason to stay near Sally. And Sally would never see her beloved granddaughter again.
Sally recalled hundreds of incidents, beginning when her daughter was very young, when the girl expected to be waited on, would never lift a finger to help and never show any gratitude. Sally was always walking on eggshells around her daughter. Being with her was never a good time.
The contrast to Sally’s adult son was what made Sally see that her daughter had chosen to treat Sally as “The Help.” Her son and his wife never demanded anything and were thankful for everything Sally did. They called Sally, sent her photos of their kids and treated Sally to fun times with them.
Sally started saying “No.”
She started telling her daughter that her plans were just as important to her as her daughter’s demands. She started telling her daughter that her daughter had to adjust to Sally’s schedule. But Sally had been mad before and had yelled those things. Her daughter simply ignored what Sally said.
Before, Sally had always felt guilty and given in and done what her daughter wanted. But this time Sally was different. She was calm and smiling. She stopped trying to teach her daughter, and she stopped debating and trying to get her daughter’s acceptance of her boundaries. This time Sally did what she’d said. When her daughter threw temper tantrums and started cursing, Sally applied consequences by increasing her “No.” And she stopped giving in to her guilt.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.