Jeri and James had the same problem even though their situations were different. They didn’t know how to make sure their bullying abusers would change. What if they wouldn’t ever change?
After years of criticism, demeaning comments, yelling and abuse, Jeri had finally divorced her toxic, narcissistic husband. He immediately started to alienate their teenage children from her. She was the scapegoat for all their problems. The kids saw who had won. He won; she’d always backed down and suffered his abuse. Since she accepted the blame and guilt, he took most of the money. The kids didn’t need her so they bonded with him and were estranged from her. They didn’t want to see her and she wasn’t allowed to see their children. Her ex gloated.
James had grown up with toxic, narcissistic parents. His father was always right and in charge. When James wouldn’t obey, his father yelled and beat him. James’ mother always gave into his father; she never protected James. Instead, she turned on James even more relentlessly, but her control was through manipulation and relentless verbal and emotional terror. Somehow James had become successful. Now they tried to take control of his family. They attacked his wife and children, and wanted him to attend only to them. It was his duty.
Being nice and rational, and arguing never changed their tormenters' behavior.
Jeri and James will never succeed in changing them through reason. Their tormentors enjoy torturing them. They don’t want to change. Since there are no consequences that matter to the torturers, all the talk is merely begging. Some therapists recommend you should always give in, take the blame, forgive and beg; some people keep trying those approaches. Imagine begging hungry hyenas not to eat you. Reasoning and begging are not languages hungry hyenas understand.
Only power has a chance to stop predators.
Jeri and James must take power over their lives. As much as their hearts might be broken by the way their children and parents are, that’s the reality. They must protect themselves from predators who want to rule their lives and eat them. Or from masters who wanted them as slaves.
Jeri has to let go of her shattered dream. Niceness won’t work with predators. She has to find a way to live with joy the rest of her days and nights. Of course it’s hard. But there are many other people who would return her kindness with kindness of their own. They could become a family of her heart mind and spirit.
James also has to let go of his hope that his parents will become the parents he’d wished he had. He has to protect his wife and children from predators. He has to stand up and be a model to them of how to resist relentlessly. Now that he’s adult, he can.
What if their oppressors never change?
If they never change? So what? Jeri and James will each have long lives, lived well, grandly and fully. Their childhood fantasies won’t have come true, but their adult dreams can come true.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.