Estranged from bullying, narcissistic, toxic children: Ambiguous loss

Opal thought she get over the abuse and estrangement by her bullying, narcissistic son faster than if he had physically died. But she was wrong. Her heart had been ripped out but the sporadic punishment kept going on. Her son and his wife were a gift that kept giving pain and torment.

Opal’s son had always criticized her and tried to control her completely. According to him, she’d ruined his life; she never gave him enough, understood him enough, rescued him enough, loved him enough. His wife stimulated his hatred and attacked Opal even more negatively and viciously. In truth, Opal had worked multiple jobs after divorcing his abusive, alcoholic father, and had given her son everything. Her life had been devoted to him and then dedicated to his children.

“Ambiguous loss” is usually harder to deal with than an actual, finite, definitive loss.

Pauline Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss” in her 1999 book. How can Opal have a wake, a funeral, a letting go of her dream of a loving, caring, ongoing relationship with a son and her grandchildren when they were still alive and coming into her life to inflict new pain whenever they wanted. It was as if they enjoyed torturing her. She could see that pain continuing until she died.

Even worse, none of her friends or family knew how to comfort her. They could not give a name to why Opal was suffering so much nor was there a ritual healing process Opal could use. Some even advised her to keep approaching her son and his wife even though that meant subjecting herself to more torture.

Opal had lost more than the loving, physical connections she’d built her life around, she’d lost the dream she’d made central to her existence.

Opal, like many other people, got relief when she saw the story of her life as if she was a planet revolving around a sun whose strong gravitational field kept her in orbit, kept her from flying off into the chaos of outer space. That sun has been her dream life – centered around her parents when she was growing up and then added to with her son and his family. After her parents had died, she’d focused her life on service to her son and her grandchildren, dreaming she’d rewarded by the warmth and joy she’d have in return.

The destruction of that compelling dream, which had been the center of her universe (an ambiguous loss), resulted in her being flung into the rest of her life with no mooring. She was wandering, lost, alone and bereft. She could find no comfort, no certainty, no rock to cling to, no path to connection, love or joy.

But now Opal’s path was clear: she had to put a new and equally compelling dream, with as strong a gravitational field, at the center of her world.

Then she might live the rest of her life with connection and joy.

Her bio-family had failed. If she tried to keep her son and his family at her center, she’d probably live in pain the rest of her life.

Once Opal had specifically named the depth of her grief, she stopped asking “why” and stopped looking for more explanations for what she’d done wrong to cause her son and his wife to act so hateful toward her. Her sense of fault and failure lifted. Now she could turn her focus from her son and move toward building the rest of her life.

Opal decided to put at the center of her world the future self she wanted to become. She would practice and discipline herself to think and feel and act the way she’d always wanted. She’d use her power to take charge of her life. Her joy would come from inside her and be brought into whatever she did.

She didn’t give up hope of bonding with her beloved grandchildren, but she’d do that from afar while she threw herself into other areas of her life.

She’d pray her son would have a change of heart but she would no longer keep begging him. She knew she couldn’t be the one to change him. Her being a model of a caring, loving person was lost on him. Endless giving wouldn’t satisfy him or his wife.

Many people have gone through many different processes in order to change their dreams and to heal but they’ve all gotten to the same place; a sense of peace, calm, determination, passion and joy. They’ve found their True Selves and searched for and created their True Families; the people of their hearts, minds and Spirits, not necessarily their bio-families.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Takers (bullies, narcissists) always want more

Martha (fictitious name) was burned out mentally, emotionally and physically. She was highly empathetic so she knew she was giving what everyone wanted; she was caring for them better than they’d ever been. But she didn’t understand: She’d given them so much, how come they wouldn’t stop asking for more even when she told them how exhausted she was, how she didn’t have any more to give.

For takers (bullies, narcissists) too much is never enough; they always want more no matter how much you’ve given.
Takers are bottomless pits. They’re selfish and never satisfied; nothing is ever enough. They don’t care about you; your boundaries, your energy level, making easy for you to help them, what you want to do. Takers are convinced they’re entitled to whatever they want, exactly the way they want it. Takers simply want to make it easy for themselves; then they make up reasons why they should get it the easiest way – from you. Struggling is too much of a big deal for takers.

When Martha didn’t jump to their demands, they got angry and attacked her. They were relentless; negative, critical, abusive, ganging up on her. They’d die without her help; their pain would be her fault. She’d be an unloving, uncaring, selfish person if she didn’t do what they wanted. Of course, Martha had been trained to feel guilty when other people had hurt feelings.

Takers (bullies, narcissists) aren’t helped by your giving.
Martha thought she had to help her parents, her husband, her adult children, all the relatives (no matter how distant). She always thought: After she taught them how to do things, they’d start doing the things for themselves. Isn’t that the best way to help them; isn’t what love is? But her anger lingered; hadn’t she done enough yet to deserve their love?

Martha was secretly afraid if she stopped helping, they’d abandon her and she’d be all alone.
Also, if she stopped helping them all, she’d become uncaring and selfish. And they’d fail in life.

Exhaustion pushed Martha to realize she was hurting them by helping them become needy, helpless and lazy.
Martha’s Spirit finally said, “Enough! You need to take care of yourself. No one else will.” Finally, she listened to her Spirit. The best way she could help them was to let them struggle while she encouraged them from the sidelines. Of course, some would fail sometimes but the only way they had a chance to become strong was through their struggling. Once they struggled on their own, then her help might help them become independent.

There were many people she could help in reciprocal relationships. But with takers (bullies, narcissists), once she saw the pattern of continual taking, she must cut the person off, no matter the relationship or their need. She could no longer feed their addictions to laziness, helplessness and ease. She wasn’t the only source of comfort, healing or salvation in the world.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies, narcissists: Poke the bear

Linda (fictitious name) had a problem that didn’t make sense to her. All the rules and methods she’d learned growing up didn’t help her change her adult son. Could have mother have misled her?

Her son had always bullied her; he was negative, critical, sarcastic; he was demanding, nasty and abusive. If Linda didn’t do what he wanted, he’d throw a temper-tantrum and even make a public scene. He’d tell everyone lies about ways she’d ruined his life. Then he married a woman who not only encouraged him but was ten times more horrible to Linda. They wouldn’t allow her to come to their wedding or to see her grandchildren.

Linda was empathetic.
She knew her son suffered intensely when he didn’t get what he wanted and didn’t have total control of her. She always tried to understand him; she was nice, loving and forgiving. She’d always bit her tongue and had never said what she truly thought but that didn’t stop them.

Why, “Don’t poke the bear,” does not stop bullies and narcissists.
Linda’s mother had also taught her, “Don’t say/do anything; don’t give bullies a reason to go after you. If you don’t react, if you respond with good grace, bullies and narcissists will get bored and leave you alone. If get them mad, bullies and narcissists will go after you even worse.” Of course Linda accepted those rules; how could her mother be wrong and not protect her?

All those rules and images are wrong. They assume that bullies and narcissists will leave you alone if you don’t provoke them. But bullies and narcissists don’t need provoking. They don’t hibernate. They go after you if they want something or just for the pleasure of torturing you. Then they make up reasons to excuse their despicable behavior.

A better image would be bullies and narcissists are vultures and takers.
If you don’t fight them off, they’ll keep picking at your flesh until they devour you.

Linda realized there wasn’t anything worse they could do to her.
She felt delightfully free. Her fear and guilt were gone. She’d done nothing wrong; the perpetrators were her rotten son and his wife. By doing nothing, her lying son and his wife had free rein to spin everything the way they wanted. She was losing the argument within her extended family and friends.

Linda decided to honor herself. She stood up for herself and told everyone in the family what they’d done to her and how they’d hurt her. When some people tried to minimize or excuse her son’s treatment of her, she said, “Nonsense. I did nothing wrong. They should start considering my feelings. There are no excuses for what they did. If you side with them, you’re condoning evil and I’ll treat you accordingly.” She also told her son and his wife what she thought.

Previously, the focus had always been how she’d hurt her son and on his wife’s feelings. But when she continued speaking up, she shifted the family argument and focused the blame on her son and his wife. Her feelings became the focus.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies, narcissists: Don’t whine, get a spine

Kelli’s (fictitious name) husband made himself the focus of all her attention; he was in charge. His wants matters; her needs didn’t. Any time she wasn’t standing by, ready to serve him whenever he wanted, he subjected her to a barrage of negativity and criticism until she dropped what she was doing and did what he wanted. He was bullying, abusive, narcissist.

Kelli tried everything to change him.
She’d whined, complained, nagged, yelled and threatened. But her husband said she was much too sensitive and she should lighten up. Or he said she made him feel bad because he could never satisfy her. Everything he did was her fault; if she was a better wife and more competent person, everything would be fine. So he never changed.

Kelli didn’t know what to do to change him so she complained to everyone.
She whined to husband about how much she hated being treated like a slave or Cinderella. She begged 18 year-old son to have a more loving heart and not to treat his girlfriend or younger sister that way. She complained to her parents and her husband’s parents. They said she should rise above her rebellious nature; she was shouldn’t sink so low as to bully her husband in retaliation. She grumbled to the neighbors and anyone who’d listen. They said she was exaggerating; was no one was perfect, she his wife and she had to tolerate it.

Her son was following in his father’s footsteps.
One day, Kelli allowed herself to see her son had become just like his father; a mini-me. He was bossy and demanding to her. He tortured his younger sister; he seemed to enjoy her frustration and tears. That was the last straw for Kelli.

Kelli got a spine.
She allowed herself to see the whole pattern from the first day of their marriage to a future that would last her whole life. Something in her finally rebelled and said “ENOUGH!” She’d rather break all her old rules and values about the right way to behave to everyone, no matter what they did to her, than lose her Spirit.

She touched that inner core of pain, anger and determination she’d been repressing. Now she’d be kind, empathetic, loving and caring about her own needs first. She was deserving; worth it. She’d honor and trust what she saw. Because she needed to control her own life was reason enough to act. She’d protect herself from energy vampires. Suddenly, she felt free of guilt and the responsibility to make them happy first. She felt her spine stiffen.

Kelli apply consequences, whether her husband liked it or not.
He was certain he’d win because Kelli was a much nicer person than he was and wouldn’t go as far as he would push her – to a divorce. He was sure if he was stubborn and relentless enough, Kelli would back down.

Kelli realized she’d tried everything she could think of to get his understanding, agreement and permission to act the way she wanted. Her whole married life, she been begging him to give up his power and control. She’d done the same with her son. She’d never acted on the consequences she’d threatened.

Kelli was still a caring wife and mother; which meant she’d give them what they needed, not what they wanted to make their lives easy. She no longer jumped to their commands. When her husband complained in the usual way, she simply said, “Of course you’d say that. Bullies and narcissists always say that. But it’s your fault you act like that.” And she continued doing what she’d been doing. Of course, he retaliated by increasing his negativity and criticism. She laughed at him and asked him if he needed a time-out.

To her son, she said, “Making you happy is not my priority. Showing you what happens to bullies and narcissists is the best thing I can do for you as a loving mother.” When he whined that she was ruining his life, she said, “Your choices are ruining your life. Make more loving choices and you’ll get loving in return.” When he said she was a lousy mother and he was looking forward to moving out as soon as he finished high school, she said, “I am too. Then I’ll be free of one bully. I’ll help you start packing right now.” He backed off.

The biggest effect on her husband happened when she got a job. Now, she had a perfect excuse for not serving him. She only had enough time to help her daughter. Her husband got scared enough to say he’d change. But that’s another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

How to stop Self-Bullying (especially for empaths, enablers and good girls) – new video

Self-Bullying can be sneakier, more relentless and more debilitating than problems caused by the unpredictable times and crashing economy. Your fear, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed can even be worse than problems caused by the toxic people in your life – the selfish, controlling, manipulative, back-stabbing, abusive, bullying, narcissistic people.

You know, your self-bullying; that little voice in your head that’s so self-judging and powerful. It’s relentlessly negative, critical, correcting and hostile in putting you down. That voice exaggerates all your faults and failure patterns; any time you succeeded it was dumb luck.

It’s especially bad for empaths, people-pleasers, fixers, enablers – people who don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings.

People who always find excuses for other people’s greed and selfishness, who put others first and themselves last, who have to give others another chance even after a thousand previous failed chances.

Life has been and is always full of risk. The future is unknown. It’s easy to give in to worry, doubt and insecurity; anxiety, stress and despair. It’s easy to lose energy and feel helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed and angry. That voice creates self-doubt and uncertainty; destroys self-confidence and self-esteem; paralyzes you. It can even cause physical symptoms.

How can you keep your solid footing; keep panic away; stay Centered, motivated, strong; keep your Spirit up; become the center of the storm; rise to the challenge? How can you gather yourself to deal with the immediate situation and the potential longer term problems?

Endless worry and analysis won’t help. Tossing and turning all night trying to predict and plan for every eventuality won’t help. Trying to answer every “What if?” question won’t help. Beating yourself down won’t help.

That Self-Bullying voice is not who you are, you weren’t born with it.

You were trained and brainwashed to bully yourself by people who wanted to control your life. Even now, bullies and narcissists stimulate your self-bullying.

In addition, now you use it to try to make yourself successful. Think how much more it will help you after it becomes a wonderful, effective coaching voice; encouraging and strengthening you?

Stop feeling and acting like a victim.

Don’t let fear, Self-Bullying and negative emotions blow you away. Don’t let your desperation and self-doubt make decisions for you. Instead, end your Self-Bullying. Get yourself unstuck. Get your energy back, recover your Spirit and drive. Feel Centered, calm and on top of things so you can move forward using all your adult skills with determination, strength and joy.

There is a light in the darkness. We will connect with your amazingly resilient and powerful Center, your Spirit, your Authentic Self. We will expand your Comfort and Calm Zone. From that Center, you will have strength and courage. You’ll develop the skill to carry out a personal plan effective in your specific situation. You can create the wonderful, joyous life you want!

Begin by watching this new video: How to stop Self-Bullying (especially for empaths, enablers and good girls)
https://youtu.be/M2qxpkRD6hg

When you want to learn how to stop bullying yourself and to start loving yourself, call me.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.


Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop sneaky, narcissistic, bullying husbands – new video

It's easy to recognize overt bullying, narcissistic husbands. They act in the open. You know how toxic they are, even if circumstances make it difficult to stop them.

Sneaky, controlling, bullying, narcissistic husbands are just as toxic but harder to recognize and stop. They want you to think what they do isn't so bad, their control and abuse are your fault, only they know the truth, you don't remember what really happened and you don't recognize how wrong and guilty you are. You can't trust yourself.

Learn the seven common signs of sneaky bullying husbands.

Also, test yourself. Are you an empathic, pacifying, co-dependent, enabling fixer?

Do you feel self-doubting, guilty or victimized when you disagree, protest or beg for behavioral changes? Do you let him push every boundary you try to set or do you enforce real consequences for him? Do you accept being a second-class citizen or do you get an equal vote?

Do you assume he means the same thing as you do if he says he loves you? Don't believe his words. His actions tell the truth. It's not real love if he loves you because you're his servant, slave, Cinderella or scapegoat.

Your anger is not the problem here. Your pain, frustration and anger are appropriate.

The problem is his behavior. Your children don't need a father like that. You don't have to prove he's a bullying, narcissist in court; you don't need his agreement or permission to get free from slavery.

Don't remain a victim; you're not stuck forever, you're not helpless and it's not hopeless. Stop living in fear and desperation.

There is a better way.

There is a path where you can live your individual and unique life with joy. Honor and love the Spirit in you. You don’t need their permission to save your Spirit.

There is a light in the darkness. We will connect with your amazingly resilient and powerful Center, your Spirit, your Authentic Self. We will expand your Comfort Zone. From that Center, you will have strength and courage. You'll develop the skill to carry out a personal plan effective in your specific situation. You can create the wonderful, joyous life you want!

Begin by watching this new video: Stop sneaky, narcissistic, bullying husbands.
https://youtu.be/MQCKhrVD1xs

When you want to decide about your husband; when you want to learn how to have a bully-free life, call me.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop serving toxic parents – new video

What can you when your controlling, bullying, narcissistic, toxic parents want you to serve them day and night?

They’ll continue to use you like a servant, a slave, Cinderella and a scapegoat. They’re entitled.
You, as an individual human person, deserve nothing, don’t count, don’t get a life of your own. They never allowed you to have a boundary. If you don’t do absolutely every little thing they want and when and how they want it, you’re selfish.

They’ll control you, blame you and push your shame and guilt buttons. They’ll give you the loud silent treatment or they’ll whine or demand. They might try to force you to move in with them. They might spoil your children to turn them against you or rally extended family against you.

You became the competent, capable, fixer/co-dependent enabler.
They tormented you but you had to keep silent in order to survive. They brainwashed you in their Cult of torment, pain and duty. They used and abused you. But you must honor and respect them.

Your Inner Knowing tells you that “honor them” does not mean “obey them.”
Instead, honor your Inner Knowing; not their certainty and righteousness, or pleading. They don’t know best. Don’t let their opinions sway you.

You do know the truth about your toxic, bullying, abusive parents. Every once in a while, they said they loved you, so you convinced yourself they finally did. But if they really loved you, would they continue to treat you that way?

On the other hand, now that the economy has crashed, what will they do without you? How can you abandon them? What if the worst happens to them?

You’re stuck in an inner war, stimulating your self-bullying, self-doubt, frustration and helplessness.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies, narcissists, toxic parents? Slow erosion of your soul and keeping them selfish, entitled, weak and demanding victims of their own choices. “Forgive and forget” won’t help you.

There is a better way. There is a path where you can live your individual and unique life with joy. Honor and love the Spirit in you. You don’t need their permission to save your Spirit.

There is a light in the darkness. We can expand your Comfort Zone and create a personal plan that will be effective in your specific situation.

Begin by watching this new video: Stop serving bullying, narcissistic, toxic parents.
https://youtu.be/I7sd5YB-vjA

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop supporting toxic adult children

Even before the economy started falling because of the Covid 19 virus, your controlling, bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children wanted you to support them, obey them and accept the pain and guilt of their negativity, criticism and beatings. They’re convinced they’re entitled so they punished you by estranging from you and depriving you of your beloved grandchildren.

Now, if they’re in financial trouble or just want your baby sitting at a moment’s notice, their demands, lying promises and manipulations have increased. You must atone for being the worst parent ever by giving them what they want and making them happy. If you abandon them now, you’ll prove you were always the most uncaring, unfeeling, failure as a parent. And they’ll make sure everyone in the world knows and scorns you.

The truth is you weren’t a bad parent. You may even have another child who turned out fine. If anything, you gave too much. You thought your most important job as a parent was to show your love, build their self-esteem and protect them from any consequences of their actions.

But you’ve learned the hard way that loving by giving more and more does not change bullies and narcissists.

They’ve proven they don’t care about you. So stop trying to educate and save them. Stop begging them to grow up. They rejected your wisdom long ago.

You’re stuck in an inner war. You don’t want to be their servant, slave, Cinderella or scapegoat; you don’t even like them. But you still love them.

It’s heart-breaking, gut-wrenching. Your grief is devastating. What can you do? What should you do? There is a better way of loving and parenting them. There is a light in the darkness.

Begin by watching this new video: Stop supporting toxic adult children
https://youtu.be/-XSZLIXDLYk

Stop supporting them, become a better parent and live the rest of your life with zest and joy. Expand your Comfort Zone and create a personal plan that will be effective in your specific situation.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: Should you “accept” them as they are?

When narcissists and relentless bullies say, “You have to ‘accept’ me as I am. Nobody’s perfect. You aren’t either,” they mean something very different then you do when they use the word, “accept.”

Ina’s husband and one adult son were bullying, abusive narcissists. They were critical, angry, explosive and vicious, but in different ways. Sometimes they relaxed their control and battering by saying a few kind, caring words. But as soon as Ina relaxed, they reverted to the same old torment and torture.

They both said Ina had to accept them as they were.

What bullies and narcissists mean when they say, “You have to accept me as I am.”
Ina’s husband and adult son wanted to convince her that “accept” meant she should do what they wanted; she should serve them, tolerate their abuse, rise above pain and anger, and there should be no consequences.

Some imperfections are much worse than others.
An obvious example: The imperfections of mass murdering, school shooters are much worse than when Ina got angry because she’d been provoked repeatedly by her critical, negative husband and adult son. Bullies and narcissists want to focus on your imperfection of being angry instead of their hostility and verbal torment. Their treatment of Ina was much worse than her getting angry in order to motivate herself to stop their bullying and abuse.

Was Ina too sensitive?
Of course, they claimed they were justified in their behavior because Ina had not obeyed them by giving them what they wanted. And she was too sensitive. However, Ina knew how much they’d hurt her. She needed to get past the idea there was a “normal” or perfect standard of behavior she had to live up to before they had to change their behavior. Instead, she had to give up her guilt and stand on her own standards of how she wanted to be treated and what she wouldn’t put up with.

How can Ina prove she’s right?
To relentless bullies and narcissists, Ina will never be able to prove herself. They lose their advantage if they accept her standards and requests. Ina had to stop explaining and justifying herself. She needed to accept her standards and live according to them, whether her husband and adult son accepted that or not.

What Ina meant by the word, “accept.”
After a journey to find her Core, her Center, the place in her where she felt Whole, Ina knew what to say to them. “I love the potential I see in both of you. I love your Spirits but I can’t stand your personalities. I also accept that you’ll continue being and acting the way you have until a miracle occurs. You can keep acting the way you do and I’ll remove you both from my life. I won’t be controlled, used and beaten. I’m not a slave; I’m not Cinderella.”

Ina meant, “You have a choice. Treat me wonderful or continue acting the way you have; which means you can stay or be gone. Your choice.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: Sometimes you poke the bear or drive off the wolves

Tactics depend on your goals and circumstances. Sometimes you don’t poke the bear and sometimes you must. Or think of different images: Sometimes you must kill the snakes, put salt on the leaches, drive off the wolves, take antibiotics, pull the weeds, remove the bullies and narcissists, drive out the money lenders, shake off the dust.

Hazel’s adult daughter still threw temper tantrums. She’d criticize, yell and curse Hazel. She’d threaten to deprive Hazel of her beloved grandchildren unless Hazel gave her everything wanted immediately and accepted her bullying and abuse. Hazel was afraid to do anything her daughter might choose to respond to with more anger.

Harriet’s older sister had beat her mercilessly when they were children and continued, forty years later, to attack her behind her back to the rest of the family. She’d spread gossip, make up lies and attack Harriet’s reputation. Harriet forgot she was now a competent adult and usually reverted to feeling like a terrified little girl.

“Don’t poke the bear; it’ll only get worse.”
Friends and some family members told both Hazel and Harriet to rise above, don’t give their enemies food for attacks and accept, with good grace, whatever the bullies and narcissists did. Never say anything bad about them and, eventually, they’ll leave you alone.

Bad advice; sometimes you need to protect yourself and what’s important to you.
Hazel and Harriet realized nothing nice, caring or loving had ever made her adult daughter or her sister act any nicer. Those people got great pleasure from causing pain and controlling their lives. They also loved to fight. But not poking them, only encouraged them to attack more often and viciously.

They had nothing to lose by trying to drive off the snakes. Risking a fight gave them a chance for success. No risk meant they had no chance of success; they’d be doomed to a lifetime of being abused and bullied, of being victims.

Relentless bullies and narcissists are stopped only by power; not by conscience or regret.
Hazel and Harriet became more determined to live bully-free lives than their attackers enjoyed attacking them. They overcame their fear and guilt. They also learned skills and tactics to fight effectively.

Instead of trying to change the natures of their snakes, Hazel and Harriet wrote letters to the rest of the family calling those people snakes and princesses, and attacking their oppressors’ personalities and characters.

Hazel and Harriet didn’t expect their oppressors to change their hearts. Instead, they hoped it would become difficult for the bullies to continue acting the way they did once their behavior had been labelled and exposed. They were forcing the rest of the family to take sides.

Then at family gatherings, whenever their would-be controllers said anything, Hazel and Harriet openly and politely shown lights on them. They also said how their feeling were so hurt by that vicious behavior. When their attackers said their feelings were hurt, Hazel and Harriet said the bullies started it. They couldn’t stay at the gathering with such people and they left.

Harriet and Hazel were surprised.
As expected, some people came to tell them to rise above. Harriet and Hazel asked the peacemakers, who were actually throwing them to the wolves, to go back and demand the nasty controllers to rise above and be sweet.

The big surprise was that some family members joined them and threatened the narcissists. That shifted the power balance so Hazel and Harriet didn’t have to leave their families.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic adult children: But I taught them good?

Grace couldn’t believe how selfish and abusive one of her grown daughters was. That daughter refused to let Grace see her grandchildren unless Grace admitted she’d been a terrible mother, did penance by admitting in public how her daughter’s problems were all her fault and gave her daughter all the money she wanted. Even worse, that daughter now sided against Grace with her narcissistic, bullying, abusive father (Grace’s ex).

None of the stories were true. If anything, Grace had spoiled her children. Once that daughter had turned fifteen, she took without thanks, criticized relentlessly, did whatever she wanted and bullied and manipulated Grace into giving her everything. Grace was bereft: she couldn’t admit to the lies but she was afraid of losing her precious grandchildren.

Grace had taught all her children to be kind, considerate and good.
She’d set such a good example. Grace couldn’t understand what had happened. She felt so guilty: What had she done wrong?

Grace hadn’t done anything wrong.
Yes, she might have been overindulgent to all her children but she hadn’t done anything particularly bad to any of them.

Grace’s analysis of the reasons why only that daughter had chosen to be demanding, selfish and narcissistic overlooked many factors including:
1. The children’s father was a narcissistic sociopath. He was demanding, bullying and abusive to Grace and their children. One half of all the children’s DNA was his.
2. The children had seen who’d served and suffered, and who’d won.
3. The children have free will. That daughter had chosen to follow her father to the dark side in order to get what she wanted. The other children had chosen to follow Grace’s example.

Why didn’t that child choose to follow Grace (the nice parent) instead of following her rotten father?
Instead of looking for psychological, cause --> effect factors and what had happened in the children’s lives at what ages, Grace stepped back and saw that the problem was the choices that daughter had made.

It’s easier to follow the dark side than the light.
Doing the right thing seems harder to many people than using power to beat or manipulate a nice, caring, loving person into submission. Whatever Grace had tried to teach, that daughter hadn’t learned. Only the other children had. Instead, she’d learned from Grace’s example the reward for being good was more pain, abuse and torture. She decided to side with her father because she thought she’d always get what she wanted from Grace no matter how badly she treated her, but she’d never get anything from him unless she sucked up and pleased him.

The problem was one daughter choosing the dark side.
The longer Grace keeps asking “Why”, the longer Grace will suffer trying to understand and figure out how please that daughter. When Grace simply sees the pattern of behavior and uses that to predict what that daughter will do, she’ll be better able to defend herself. And she’ll be relieved of her guilt; the other children chose to follow her example.

How can Grace continue to set a good example?
She could set a good example for the other children and grandchildren by distancing herself from her daughter and telling everyone the rotten things her daughter had done. The problem was not communication and different perspectives, as that daughter had claimed. Grace had evidence for what she said. The problem was that daughter’s bullying and narcissism.

Unfortunately, that daughter’s children were already lost to Grace. That daughter had already raised her children to despise Grace and to beat and manipulate her to get what they wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists will sink lower than you expect or hope

Fran couldn’t believe her husband would sink so low as to try to drive a wedge between her and her adult daughter. He told the daughter many lies about things Fran had supposedly done to him, how his feelings had been hurt for years and how she’d prevented him from doing all the loving things he’d wanted to do for that daughter, his favorite. Fran couldn’t believe that this daughter had experienced all the horrible things her husband had done to Fran and all the children, and yet she’d still believed her father.

Faith couldn’t believe her greedy adult son would take all her possessions and even her home while she was hospitalized far away for treatment of cancer. He wanted everything; he wouldn’t share with the other children.

Bullies, narcissists will sink lower than you expect or hope.
Fran and Faith knew people like that existed in history and even now, but they wouldn’t believe their own husband or child would do that to them. They’d tried to do the right thing for years and this was what they got in return. They simply couldn’t understand how their kindness and caring could be repaid with such cruelty.

Don’t let wishful thinking triumph over the reality you’ve known for years.
But when Fran thought of all the times her husband had hit her and the children, had used her to do all the chores and to serve him, and had been negative, sarcastic and critical in public – in front of friends, family and even at church – she really knew what to expect.

And when Faith thought of all the times that daughter, from infant upwards, had yelled at her, threatened her, tried to resist, control and guilt-trip her, had bullied and abused her, she really knew what to expect.

The real question for them was, “When will you stop ignoring the evidence of years and continue living in hope of instant change?”
Bullies and narcissists don’t change. Or if they do it’s a miracle…and you can guess the percent of times that happens. All the wishful thinking made Fran and Faith easy targets for more use and abuse, pain and torture.

The best way to help those predators is not to feed them while praying for change; it’s to stop being a martyr and show them they had to change or be left behind.
Coddling bullies and narcissists never changes them. Both Fran and Faith realized they could continue loving, hoping and praying while they protected themselves from further torture.

They could expect the bullies and narcissists to continue hurting them until they had evidence they had a change of heart and showed their good intentions over time without reward.
Loving and liking are on separate scales. They could love their tormentors while disliking them. Wishful thinking and hope are different from recognizing the need to protect yourself.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want you to tolerate pain, torment

Edna realized her husband and one of her adult daughters were worse than uncaring, they actually enjoyed making her suffer.

Her husband never asked what she wanted or did what she asked. He was negative, critical, bullying and abusive. He never acknowledged or talked about her feelings. He was the dictator; she never got to vote; her job was to support whatever he wanted and make it work. Sometimes he’d agree to do what she wanted but at the last minute he’d say they couldn’t go. Or he’d go but be grumpy, angry and belligerent and ruin the occasion. He was destroying her self-esteem and self-confidence.

That adult daughter used similar tactics but she was more overt. She’d berate and yell at Edna in public and in front of the whole family. She’d tell everyone lies about how Edna had hurt her, not protected her from her father and denied her any fun. Edna had been a terrible mother and should be punished for her crimes.

The problem wasn’t that her husband was on the Autism/Asperger’s scale; it was that he enjoyed tormenting and hurting her.
For years, Edna had always found reasons and excuses to minimize and overlook what he said and did. She excused him because she thought he was on the scale and couldn’t pay any attention to her feelings and pleas, and he never talked about feelings with her. Then she realized he’d always expressed his feeling in words and actions. He was clear: he was the dictator and ruled with an iron fist. She was his property and her job was to serve him. He told her how he felt and what he wanted. He said he knew what she felt and wanted, but that didn’t matter. He always did what he wanted and expected her to act the way he’d commanded.

Her daughter had grown up and saw who won. She’d chosen his tactics.
She summed it up clearly for Edna: “A good and loving parent's job is to make me happy by giving me everything I want. You have to accept me as I am or you won’t see your grandchildren.” Edna's feelings and wishes didn't matter. Actually, Edna realized her daughter knew how to hurt her whenever she wanted to.

Edna was told she was supposed to forgive, give and endure.
Other people in the family tried to get Edna together with her daughter. They said Edna had to be the one to rise above her feelings because that’s just the way her daughter was. Of course, Edna was inclined to accept punishment; all her life she’d been trained to give in to other people.

But at Thanksgiving, she’d seen her daughter’s face when she was telling Edna she’d changed her mind about letting Edna see her grandchildren that weekend. Edna saw her daughter’s face twisted with hate and rage. She’d never forget that face.

Life is not to be lived to see how much pain you can tolerate while you forgive perpetrators.
Edna decided she mattered. She wasn’t going to tolerate pain and torment. She wanted a life free from bullying, abuse and pain. She wanted to be free of guilt when she stood up for what she wanted. She didn’t want to be part of a family that insisted she endure torture and slavery.

Edna’s epiphany and determination were the key.
She kept the image of her daughter’s face where she could always see it. It was hard and it took time, but Edna succeeded. She moved away from her old life and into her new life, step-by-step.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists substance abusers; you’re the substance

In a way that made her laugh, Deena saw the same pattern with her sister and her adult daughter: They were substance abusers and she was the substance.

Deena’s sister expected to be waited on by Deena. Her sister had a doting husband and two caring adult children but whenever she wanted instant service, she demanded it from Deena. Deena was required to drive for hours without any advanced warning, to shop for treats and presents for her sister and to slave with no reward. Her sister said she was comforted being waited on by Deena. Her sister never thanked her; Deena never did enough. If Deena ever hesitated, her sister attacked her as not being considerate, loving or kind enough. Deena was so selfish.

Deena’s daughter was even worse. She was openly entitled, demanding, critical, bullying and abusive. Problems were always Deena’s fault, never her daughter’s. Her daughter was clear, “A good mother would devote herself full-time to doing what her daughter needed to be happy. A mother’s job in life was to provide money, service and applause.”

The only things Deena’s sister and daughter agreed upon was that Deena should stop serving the other one and focus only on them.

Bullies and narcissists are substance abusers: they must have their fix of power, control, service, obedience and worship.

Deena was their favorite substance. She was free and readily available. Anytime they wanted a fix, they could demand something from Deena or simply call and yell at her. Many friends and experts advised Deena to keep giving in, apologizing, taking all the blame and forever holding the door open. Eventually, those people said, Deena’s sister and daughter would have attacks of conscience and become loving and caring in return.

The only way to stop being used and abused is to stop being used and abused.

Deena was thrilled looking at her sister and daughter as substance abusers. Now she felt and saw clearly; life-time patterns were explained. As long as she gave those addicts their fix, they’d come back for more. Their needs would increase with time. She’d never stop them if she continued giving them their substance.

Deena felt free.

This was not her fault. She was actually a good sister and mother. Her sister and daughter had chosen their addictions.

Deena started saying, “No” sometimes. At first she made excuses for not giving in to their power and control, and for cutting them off when they attacked her. Later, she simply said “No” or “Goodbye” all the time without explanation.

They blew up, but without effect on Deena.

Deena didn’t feel guilty; she didn’t respond emotionally to their attempts to destroy her self-confidence or self-esteem. She knew you don’t give drugs to substance abusers. That never cures them.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists put you on trial

Cora dreaded the holidays. She wanted to run away and not see the people she was supposed to love and tolerate.

Her mother always questioned everything she did and compared her unfavorably to her siblings. Her siblings were worse: They were negative and critical of every opinion or decision. They kept asking Cora, “Why,” and when she tried to explain, they were sarcastic and demeaning.

Worse of all were two of Cora’s grown children. They were contemptuous of Cora. She was a lousy mother who never did enough for them. They always insisted on changing Cora’s plans to suit what they wanted to make their lives easy. Cora was bullied and abused by the people she was supposed to love and care for.

Many bullies and narcissists put you on trial.

The more you defend yourself, the weaker you become. You’ll never win because they’ll never stop. They always have more charges, more attacks. The more you try to figure out or explain what really happened, the more your whole life is taken up by defending your values, character and achievements to people who don’t like you. They’re trying to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem. They want you to stop trusting your own judgment and to accept their judgment and direction. They’ll make you feel stupid and incompetent.

They want you to think, “What’s wrong with me?”

If you think you’re the problem, they’ve won. You’ll never be perfect or smart enough. They attack relentlessly so you’ll never think, “What’s wrong with them?” Cora actually liked her life, except for her family. She made enough money, liked her job, had good friends and a wonderful time with her two other children. But the rest of the family always made her feel “not good enough” for them.

When Cora found her Center, everything changed.

She realized she was fine. She accurately saw the family dynamic and her life-long role as Cinderella. She was enveloped in peace, calm and strength. At first she felt a wave of anger and a strong desire to fight with them. That wave passed when she decided fighting was a waste of her time. She was having too much fun to waste her time, energy and good will. But she wasn’t going to take pain and torment any more.

At Thanksgiving, she simply declined to talk about what she was doing. When they started the put downs, she simply said they were mean, nasty and vicious. They were not caring or considerate of her. Of course, they attacked her even more. She’d hurt their feelings. Everything was her fault. All their old strategies were used to try to make her feel guilty and isolated. But nothing moved her from her Center.

After Thanksgiving, she wrote cards to everyone, thanking them for the reminder about the family dynamic. She’d no longer put herself in the hands of people who put her on trial so she was going away for Christmas. They could all enjoy talking about her behind her back. Their opinions of her no longer mattered to her. She was now focused on what she needed to do to have a wonderful time with people who made her feel good.

After Christmas the family split into a group of perpetrators and those who stood by Cora because she was right.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want to write script of your life

Before Thanksgiving, Barb saw the pattern that had been ruining her life as long as she could remember. She felt trapped; no way out.

Her mother told Barb exactly what Thanksgiving feast she must put on in order to make her mother happy. Her adult daughter told her she’d given Barb Thanksgiving as the one holiday she was willing to see Barb. Then she described the way she wanted Barb to prepare it. Her daughter declared Barb’s job in life, as a good mother, was to make her daughter happy.

Actually, Barb didn’t want to be with any of them. They were both negative, critical, controlling, demanding, bullying and abusive. She wanted to be alone and to have some peace and quiet away from other people’s demands.

Bullies, narcissists want to write the script of the part you’re supposed to play in their lives.

Your part is always to do what they want when they want it, to make them happy anyway they want, to take any abuse they want to heap on you. You’re merely an actor in their script and you’d better play your part. They’re the writer, the director and the critic. You don’t get to re-write your part. You don’t get to challenge what the director wants. You’re merely an actor who follows orders.

That was the story of Barb’s life from child to middle-aged slave. Her voice was never as important as theirs. Really, she had no voice. Her job was to make them happy.

Woe unto you if you disobey their orders.

They’ll do anything to make you play the role they assign you. According to them, the worst sin you can commit is to rebel: to try to write your own part in your own life. No, even worse would be for you to go find another theater to put on your own play for your life. Who do you think you are? You must be kind, loving, considerate, forgiving of them.

Barb’s life was at stake: she must write her own part or die.

The idea that if she gave in, she’d be their slave for the next fifty years was so strong, Barb felt her struggle was life or death. She must make her voice stronger than theirs.

Barb found her strong voice at her Core, coupled with peace, calm and power. In a supreme act of courage, she simply said, “No. I’m not going to be at Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to be by myself and do what I want all day.

Of course they all blew up at her.

They used every threat and line of emotional blackmail they’d previously used successfully. But this time Barb was different. Her anger at her previous acceptance of their scripts and her fear of wasting the rest of her life gave her the strength and determination to stay in the role she wanted. She didn’t argue. She said, “Thanks for sharing.” She didn’t try to find another solution to fix their problem and make their lives work the way they wanted.

Barb freed herself from the part they were trying to force her to play and from the guilt they tried to force on her.

They kept testing Barb.

Barb made sure they knew she’d had the best Thanksgiving ever. She refused to talk about what a bad girl she was.

Her mother and daughter came with multiple, small requests for Barb to serve them. That was her role. Even though she was willing to do some of the requests, Barb knew she had to say, “No,” to all of them. She was establishing a new baseline.

When their Christmas demands came in, she again said, “No,” to putting on the big performance they wanted. But she did say she’d come to someone else’s event for a little while.

It took a year of withdrawal for Barb to see her mother wouldn’t have anything to do with her unless she played her assigned role. But her daughter accepted that Barb got to write her own part. And her daughter realized she’d better try to make Barb happy sometimes.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, are you in danger?

Alice couldn’t believe her adult daughter would do anything really bad to her. After all, she’d given everything to her daughter, even paid for college. She was sure that underneath, even after a 25 year history of rage and attacks by her daughter, she really wouldn’t harm Alice. Her daughter was simply emotionally immature.

With bullies, narcissists, how much danger are you in?

Between the ages of 5 and 18, Alice’s daughter opposed any rules, resisted any discipline, snuck out, ran away, threw temper tantrums, broke furniture, broke Alice’s favorite things, threatened to hurt Alice when she got older, slapped Alice and lied to the rest of the family and to teachers about Alice beating and abusing her.

Between 18 and 30 she told college security Alice’s mother threatened her and had her walked off campus, stole Alice’s car and left for a week, called the police claiming Alice had smacked her, filed for a temporary restraining order saying Alice had abused and abandoned her and told people at work Alice had abused her, and had Alice barred from the building.

All of her accusations were lies. These were only a few of the examples.

Are the threats only toward you or to everyone?

This is an important question. Did Alice’s daughter behave the same way toward teachers, coaches, professors or bosses at work? If so, Alice’s daughter has a serious, probably intractable, problem that society will have to deal with. She’d need someone to protect her and enable her to get away with acting horribly or, eventually, she’d get thrown out of college, lose her job, confront the police and the system would deal with her.

On the other hand, actually, Alice’s daughter threatened only her, and the people and things she held precious. She’d charmed professors, gotten good grades, and was a perfect professional at work. Recently, she could always run back to the bosom of Alice’s ex, who’d verbally and physically abused her daughter when she was young. He’d been a bullying, abusive narcissist but now gave her daughter everything she wanted.

That meant, her daughter knew what she could get away with in each situation; she wasn’t totally crazy. She simply thought she could torture Alice without fear of anything bad happening to her.

Here’s a quick way of assessing:

Place all these incidents (and any others you suspect happened based on your experience and reading) on a scale from mild to life-threatening. Somewhere on that scale you must draw a line at the point of no return.

Before this line, you’ll get your hopes up only to be crushed, you’ll give your love and money, and be spit on and you’ll experience servitude, emotional pain and torture. But you won’t go to jail.

However, beyond that line, you’re in grave danger. Your reputation and ability to work might be destroyed, you’ll be snubbed by extended family and neighbors and you might be run out of town. You’ll be followed by social workers and the law, and you might go to jail.

When behavior is beyond that line, you must give up trying to beg, educate, use facts, reason and logic, and rehabilitate. If you try, you’ll probably be destroyed. You must fight to protect yourself

What’s likely to happen?

In my experience, Alice must draw the line at the point where her daughter went public with lies about Alice’s mother, lies about Alice, getting the police involved, Alice is in grave danger. Especially now that her daughter is supported and encouraged by Alice’s ex. Alice has been lucky so far. In all the previous situations, the police and the judge believed Alice. But it will take only one miscarriage of justice and Alice will be ruined.

Alice must have no contact with her daughter. Fortunately for Alice, her other children are grown and independent so she doesn’t have to protect children from a predator. She must stop trying to welcome her daughter back into family events in hopes of reconciling. She can only pray and wait for her daughter to prove she’s had a change of heart by good behavior over a long period of time.

How do you know for sure?

Most people try to decide based on the facts. Since there were always a few good moments in the past and since there are no facts yet for the future, you can’t be sure what I’m predicting will be one hundred percent certain. But if Alice waited until she had evidence that would stand up in court, it’d be too late; she’d be ruined with little chance of rehabilitating herself.

I estimate future probabilities based on character, personality and previous performance.

Obviously, based on Alice’s daughter’s hate-filled personality, lack of good character and past performance, Alice herself predicted continuing and escalating attacks. Alice’s gut wisdom predicted she was in grave danger and she’d better protect herself.

Alice let go of her precious guilt and stopped being the enabling, rescuing victim. She stopped contact with her daughter, blocked her on all devices and got a restraining order against her.

But what might her daughter think?

Might her daughter think Alice doesn’t love her anymore? Alice decided she wanted her daughter to know she was pushing her away and closing the door on her personality and hate. And there would be a high price of good behavior to pay before there would be any hope of reconciliation. Words and promises would no longer be enough.

Alice’s survival and future became most important to her. Her daughter was infuriated because Alice took control of the distance between them, honored her standards of good behavior and stopped playing her game.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want you enabling them

Zina said she was born to enable; it was in her blood, reinforced by her childhood training of how to be a good, loving mom. Her 40 year-old son abused her need to rescue him and insisted she continue. He said he’d fail in life if she didn’t help him. She owed it to him because she hadn’t made him happy enough when he was growing up.

Bullies, narcissists want to be at the center of “a Great Circle of Enabling.”

Zina insisted her son was nice to her when he was growing up, even through high school and college, except when he was throwing temper tantrums at her for not rescuing him or making his life easy. To her, he was critical and demeaning; selfish and narcissistic; bullying and abusive.

Even though he was bright, she had to smooth things over when he was flunking courses because some teachers wouldn’t allow him to do nothing or be obnoxious in class, or some coaches wouldn’t play him because he hadn’t come for practices. She’d always manufactured excuses to get him more chances.

When he got in trouble with the police, she begged, pleaded and hired expensive lawyers. According to him, her job in life was to make sure he never suffered.

When he didn’t have good enough grades or Standard Test scores to get into the colleges he wanted, she did everything necessary to get him into colleges acceptable to him. Later, she begged or coerced administrators and professors to forgive his behavior in the dorms or class.

She knew he was spoiled but what could she do? She didn’t want any options closed to him. She was sure someday he’d grow up and be the wonderful son she’d hoped for.

When Zina didn’t protect, coddle or cater to him, he’d attack her.

If he didn’t get what he wanted or get away with what he’d done, she’d failed him. His problems were her fault. He’d throw temper tantrums, destroy furniture, call her a rotten mother and give her the loud, silent treatment until she gave in. He’d even pushed her and slapped her. But that was only twice so she thought it wasn’t too bad. He was just sensitive and high strung.

He threatened her; if she didn’t give him everything, he’d fail and kill himself.

Zina carried tremendous fear, responsibility and guilt. She kept encouraging and giving, hoping the one percent wonderful infant would take over his life, instead of the ninety nine percent lazy, manipulative and entitled adult.

To release her enabling, rescuing patterns, Zina changed her old beliefs, rules, roles and habits.

Eventually she saw he’d chosen a path that manipulated her and was bad for him. Enabling ensured that he’d stay narcissistic and fail; she’d been hurting him. He’d flushed all her time, energy, money and love down the toilet. He was addicted to his laziness and the rush he got from being angry at her. He was addicted to getting what he wanted, the way he wanted, and squeezing it out of her, and whining for more. That was easier than working for it.

The only chance he has for a miracle is to fail and suffer. Then, instead of continuing to blame her, he might choose to do the hard work of struggling and succeeding in the world. Or not.

Of course, Zina struggled with the possibility he’d really die homeless or commit suicide. But she persevered and didn’t allow her sympathy and guilt to deflect her from what she knew was his only chance. She kept encouraging him to find the strength she knew was buried deep inside him.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists torture you in their cage

Wendy stepped out of her old, unconditional love, forgiveness and enabling perspective for an instant and changed her life. She saw both her husband and one of her adult daughter’s trying to keep her in a cage and torture her into submission. She was like one of those teenage girls held captive by a sociopath in the attic or basement.

Some bullies and narcissists torture you in their cage.

Wendy’s husband insisted she stay home unless he send her out on special errands for him or she was shopping for groceries. He was negative, critical and demeaning; he was bullying and abusive if she got angry or spoke up. A few times a year he’d get her something he thought was nice so she’d know he really cared and loved her. But he’d always take it away in a few days because she’d displeased him. The more she tried to please him, the sweeter his voice became for a few hours but then she’d do something wrong and he’d have to punish her again. She could never please him or do anything good enough.

Wendy’s adult daughter’s cage was shaped differently. Wendy was never good enough to see her beloved grandson unless her daughter needed her. Then Wendy had to jump immediately to serve her daughter. And Wendy had to follow her daughter’s rules or else she wouldn’t be allowed to see him for weeks. Wendy knew her grandson missed her as much as she missed him. Her daughter told her she’d better do exactly what her daughter wanted or she’d be responsible for convincing her grandson she didn’t love him enough. The responsibility and guilt were crushing. Wendy could never figure out why her love and good behavior didn’t earn her more time with her grandson.

Bullies, narcissists want you all for themselves.

Wendy realized that anything she wanted to do for herself was forbidden. If she was interested in anything else, she might not be available to serve them. They told her she forced them to keep her in their cages. Wendy had thought of them as having minor “control issues.” That label made their behavior see almost normal; “That’s just the way they are.” Now she felt the weight of her oppression. She had to escape from torture in the cages they had for her.

Escape from her husband’s cage was hard but easier than from her daughter’s.

Clearly seeing the cage and torture gave Wendy courage, strength and determination. With her husband, she started by trying to educate him to pay attention to her feelings and wants. When that failed, she broke with her old beliefs, values and habits. She simply started saying, “No,” and she refused to accept any punishment for her resistance and lack of respect. His silent treatment now seemed like peace. His yelling and emotional manipulation hurt but she could endure the pain until she started enjoying the fresh air of freedom.

Wendy finally saw her resistance to her daughter’s rules did not make things worse.

At first, Wendy thought she was making her grandson suffer. But then, she realized her daughter kept her grandson away only when she didn’t need Wendy. She simply used the excuse that the punishment was Wendy’s fault. But as soon as she needed Wendy, she’d allow Wendy to crawl back into her good graces. No good behavior on Wendy’s part ever got her more time or freedom with her grandson.

Wendy allowed herself to see she didn’t like her daughter and wouldn’t play her old role as captive any longer.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: The family Princess

Vera grew up being Cinderella in her family. She was the designated servant/slave. She was bullied and abused, emotionally manipulated and physically battered. Her parents were demanding, controlling narcissists. Vera’s sister had been selected for the role of Princess and she wallowed in it. She lied, manipulated and controlled Vera. She was the Petulant or the Demanding Princess.

Vera’s family cast one of her daughters in the Princess role.

After they’d gotten Vera to serve them, they lavished all their attention on that daughter and tried to force Vera’s other children to play the Cinderella roles. Of course they had the usual excuses and justifications: that daughter was the sensitive one (The Princess and the Pea story), she was needy, she was weak. None of that was true. They claimed the other children were the strong ones and didn’t care if they had to serve the Princess. None of that was true either.

By the time Vera was clear, strong and brave enough to rebel, it was too late.

Vera’s daughter, like Vera’s sister, jumped at the Princess role. She loved being the center of everything. She was sure she deserved it, it felt so good and she wasn’t going to give it up. She’d sold her Soul eagerly. When Vera started objecting openly, her daughter was already an adult and could threaten Vera by withholding her grandchildren.

Vera’s sister, the “helpful” aunt, sided with that daughter and encouraged her to torment Vera and to try to get the other children to side with her against Vera. It was two Princess against the servants.

The two Princesses forced the issue; Vera had to submit or she’d be responsible for destroying the family.

Vera realized there had always been two families. Growing up, the only family unity came when Vera was willing to play Cinderella. Now, the same dynamic was repeating. But now she knew the fault wasn’t hers; the Princesses and their courtiers had one hundred percent of the blame. She let go of her guilt; she wasn’t responsible. The people destroying a family worth having were her parents, her sister and that daughter.

They’d created a family Vera did not want to belong to.

Vera chose freedom.

The pain of gathering her other children and accepting the estrangement forced by the Princess and her Court was less than the pain of accepting a life of servitude and forcing her other children to do the same. So she made one loving family with the people who were willing to love each other tenderly as equals; not as masters and servants, Princesses and Cinderellas.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.