June was so empathetic to her bullying, narcissistic husband’s inner pain and anger; she felt sorry for him even when he abused her. She’d been taught her main job in life was to make people happy, to give them what they wanted, to love them enough they’d be healed. If she loved them enough, she could teach, rescue and save them. Also, they’d open their hearts and love her the way she wanted.
June had been taught, if she thought of herself first she’d be selfish.
How could she set boundaries with him until after he’d become the person she’d always wanted him to be, the person she knew he could become, the person who would accept her boundaries? How could she have a bully-free, abuse-free life until he agreed with her?
June’s most important job in life was not being a people-pleasing, enabling, rescuing, fixer-savior.
June had been raised to think her most important job in life was to make people happy. Caring and loving meant giving people what they wanted. She could never win an argument with her husband; he was always so convinced he was right and his way was the most righteous. She’d never stand up to him because he might be right. She was never sure of herself and she could feel how much his control and pride mattered to him.
June finally let go of the impossible task that had been assigned to her; she was not the savior of the world.
Empathy was not June’s problem; empathy was her biggest ally.
Understanding how people thought and understanding the energy flow in a room or relationship was her biggest ally. The problem she had was her early brainwashing to think that she had to respond to her understanding by making people feel better, by being responsible for other people’s happiness.
June realized she’d always been attractive to abusive bullies who wanted to use her to serve them. They had a good deal and didn’t want to stop draining her blood.
Feeling his pain and relieving it wasn’t why she was put on earth.
More important than making other people happy was making herself happy. She was worth it. He wouldn’t do anything to make her happy. Well, there were three times in their marriage when he threw her a scrap of caring but he always made her pay for it. He claimed he never knew what she wanted; anyway she was too needy and dependent; he suffered so much because he could never please her. But he never did anything to please her. The problem was him.
Trusting her own experience was more important than the old rules (beliefs) she’d been brainwashed into.
Her experience showed her the ideas, beliefs and rules beaten into her were false. Her experience was more truthful than the words or lessons hammered into her by bullies and narcissists.
Not making him happy was not punitive; making him happy or making his life easy was actually hurting him, not helping him.
She saw how pleasing other people had led her to be surrounded by needy bullies and narcissists who controlled, used and abused her. Her husband was merely the most recent. Now her children were imitating him. They were imitating what they saw, not what she told them.
She’d been manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by people who labelled her sense of Self as needy, bullying, narcissistic, abusive, uncaring, selfish, unloving, punitive. They were trying to take Her out of her. They chose those words in order to manipulate her. She began to trust herself and her own inner knowing.
The best way to increase the chances he’d change was through consequences.
Investing her life in changing him slowly, in asking him to learn no matter how long it took was only begging. Waiting to get his agreement, approval and permission was begging. That way, he had no reason to change since he was getting what he wanted. In order to move him toward change she’d have to have consequences. If he felt pained, that was his choice.
June did not become a selfish narcissist.
She remained a caring, marvelous person, giving to people who reciprocated her generosity and love. Of course, she felt awkward and guilty when she started imposing consequences on her husband and their children. But she got over those feelings and did, indeed, create a bully-free, abuse-free, wonderful life.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.