Vera (fictitious name) was desperate. Her 40-year-old daughter had called and demanded Vera give her $10,000 for a vacation she wanted to take. Vera was certain if she didn’t give the money, her daughter would never speak to her again and would withhold the grandchildren.
From the time her daughter was four, when she didn’t get her way, she yelled, screamed and threw temper tantrums, claiming Vera had never been nice enough or made her happy enough. Actually, Vera had given her daughter everything – money, clothes, trips, cars, servitude on-call – but it was never enough. Her daughter was never satisfied; her demands always escalated.
Vera finally accepted that her daughter was a toxic, bullying narcissist who bullied and abused Vera to get what she wanted. Her daughter was negative, critical, hostile, demanding and demeaning to Vera, in private and in public. Her happiness was the only thing that mattered in her world.
Vera stopped asking “Why?”
Vera knew her daughter’s reasons and excuses, and had spent lots of time and money analyzing why her daughter would do what she did. Vera would never have said or done those things to her parents. But all that analysis never helped her change her daughter’s personality or treatment of Vera.
Vera acknowledged her role in creating the pattern. Her daughter had been born demanding and Vera had always given in. Vera admitted she wasn’t perfect; twice she’d been so frustrated she’d yelled at her daughter; she’d even bought her daughter a used car as the first car, instead of the new one her daughter demanded. She’d fed her daughter’s greed by giving in. She knew she was guilty; it was all her fault.
Finally, Vera accepted that her behavior and the circumstances had not created her daughter’s greed and relentless abuse. Her daughter had free will. She’d chosen and practiced her personality. Her daughter had been relentless even as a little child. Her daughter treated every thought she had as if it was absolutely true; every feeling as if was justified; every desire as if it was a matter of life and death. Vera had not wanted to create a spoiled, entitled brat, but she didn’t have the strength to resist someone who’d never give up until Vera had been beaten into submission. Her daughter thought she had to have what wanted or she’d die.
When Vera saw her daughter as an addict, everything became clear and she could predict what her daughter would do next.
All the reasons and excuses her daughter gave were not the real reason for her behavior. Vera knew, in her heart-of-hearts, her daughter was addicted to being right and justified, and to getting everything she wanted. She was also addicted to the pleasure she got tormenting and torturing Vera. She was addicted to greed, demands and righteous anger; she enjoyed being mean and causing Vera pain. For her daughter, it was a cheap addiction – it was free and she could get high whenever she wanted.
Vera knew it didn’t matter what she did; she’d be condemned by her daughter if she did something and condemned if she didn’t. There was no easy way out for her. All the explaining, reasoning, teaching and begging fell on deaf ears, just like they would on the ears of someone hooked on cocaine or heroin. Her daughter would steal all her time and money, and destroy her Soul. Vera had to protect herself.
Vera’s daughter also worshipped herself; she led the “Cult of Me.”
If she had a thought, it was right; if she had a feeling, it was justified; if she wanted something, she should be handed it immediately. She should be pleased, satisfied, satiated. She was entitled. She was supposed to be worshipped. Sacrifices should be offered on her altar. The world, meaning Vera, owed everything to her.
Her daughter’s behavior made no sense to Vera; no person should believe and act that way. But admitting her daughter was an addict and a person who thought she should be worshipped and obeyed, made her daughter’s behavior patterns clear. The realization lifted Vera’s guilt and need to please.
If Vera continued worshipping at the altar of her daughter, her daughter would never change.
Vera had to stop worshipping and stop hoping that her daughter would suddenly understand and become a good, caring, kind, considerate person. Those kinds of miracles are never promoted by giving in to the demands of a selfish, narcissistic, bully.
Vera went cold-turkey. She started saying, “Not interested. I’m not feeding your addiction. You’ll have to treat me very nicely for a long time before you get anything from me. You’re not the boss of me.”
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
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