Being nice is not enough

Being nice is a wonderful trait but it’s not enough to survive and thrive in the real world.

Jane’s mother always said that being nice and being liked was the most important thing.  But by the time Jane was 30, she had a negative, controlling, abusive husband, a bullying boss and coworkers who were slackers and harassed her if she didn’t do most of their work.

One day she woke up with two startling thoughts:

• Maybe the problem wasn’t that she wasn’t nice enough to win them over to being nice to her.
• Maybe the problem was that she was being too nice and that being nice wasn’t a good strategy with some people.

That was the beginning of Jane’s development into a successful adult.  She saw that there were two kinds of people:

• Those who followed the Golden Rule and sought peaceful solutions and reconciliation.  These people she could allow into her inner circle and enjoy being with.
• Those who took her kindness as weakness, and who took whatever they wanted from her while making here feel weak, bad, ashamed and guilty.  Even if they were related by blood or marriage, she had to keep these people far away.  If fact, Jane realized that she didn’t want to be liked by those people.  In order to be liked by them, she’d have to give up control of her life and do things that violated her values, ethics or Sense of Self.

Jane’s old strategy to be nice was to avoid issues.  She’d withdraw and hope that when people calmed down they could simply be nice to each other.  She’d been trained by these bullies that if she brought things up, they’d blow, there’d be a confrontation and it was her fault.  She was being trained to be nice, docile and submissive, which was how they wanted her.

Jane now realized that her most important task was to protect and defend her personal space everywhere she went.  She could be nice as long as she was clear and firm when necessary.  This meant many life and people changes for Jane but, despite the difficulties she encountered at first, she loved the results.

Obviously the same ideas apply to stopping bullies of any kind: at school, with domineering friends, toxic parents or toxic adult-children.

There are also all the skills we need to learn in order to thrive: how to learn new things, how to communicate when there’s a problem or hurt feelings, how to make a living, how to do distasteful things that are really important (changing diapers, taking care of sick people, etc.).

The best way to learn how to protect and defend your personal space is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Bullying: TV panel

For National Stop-Bullying Month, Dateline Aurora recorded a panel discussion on how to stop bullying in the community.  Moderated by Wendy Brockman, the panel included me, Bonnie Martinez, Dean of Students at Hinkley High School and Andrea Antico, author of “Buster the Bully.”

The program, to be run multiple times this month, can also be watched at: http://youtu.be/H5Ut1ttqCAk

We discussed how to stop bullies in school, at home and at work, as well as cyberbullying.  The Restorative Justice Program, and overt, sneaky and self-bullying were also mentioned.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Sneaky bullies push our hot buttons

A common tactic of sneaky bullies in relationships and at work is to push our hot buttons.  After we’ve lost it, they can blame everything on us and manipulate us so we do what they want.

Also, kids are really good at pushing their parents’ hot buttons.  Whenever there’s a giant argument, with outrageous threats and punishments, they’ll smile secretly because they know they’ve won – this time or next time.

We all develop hot buttons.
Sneaky bullies are experts at recognizing our hot buttons.  Those are the places we’re really sensitive.  They can sense our fears, our past traumas, our pet peeves, our deepest yearnings.  Just like when we have a big black-and-blue bruise, sneaky bullies push the place really hard but with a perfectly innocent look on their faces.  Then they smile when we explode with pain.  Now they can blame and shame us, guilt-tripping us, sometimes off a subject we want to talk about, into doing what they want us to do or into accepting any punishment they want to dish out.  And it’s our fault because we exploded.

Back out of the melodrama.
Recognize the patterns; who and what pushes your triggers.  Of course, with help you can learn to catch yourself before you explode, but even at the beginning of your transformation, you can catch yourself in mid-fight and step down.  As an adult, you don’t need anger or pain to make your point or to get bullying behavior out of your life.  Don’t accept any consequences from the explosion.  Just start again.  Talk about whatever you wanted to talk about in the beginning.  Make whatever points you wanted to make before your button got pushed.

Keep on track; focus on the subject you want to.
The first subject of the conversation following sneaky bullying is, “Stop pushing my hot buttons or else.”  Laugh at attempts to divert you.  Accept no reasons, excuses or justifications for repeated pushing of hot buttons.  “Only kidding” or “you’re too sensitive,” doesn’t matter.  Your standards rule your personal space.  There must be an “or else” that you’re willing to carry out in order to get sneaky bullies out of your life.

Get rid of your hot buttons.
Ultimately, of course, part of personal development is to get rid of our hot buttons.  Hot buttons might have been good motivation when we were little kids and needed to be loud and out of control in order to get listened to and to protect ourselves.  But they’re not effective now that we’re adults.  We’re big enough now to get what we want and to protect ourselves without the explosions.  We can be firm, strong, brave and persistent without the pain, anger and explosions.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky bullies and to get rid of hot buttons to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullied? Never give up hope!

No matter who’s bullying you, no matter how painful, no matter who won’t listen and help, no matter how hopeless the future seems, no matter how helpless you feel, never give up hope.

Hope keeps our spirits alive, hope keeps us fighting on, hope keeps our spirits strong until, miraculously, we can get free.  Hope is real.

Don’t believe them when they try to take your hope away.  Don’t believe them when they say you’re too dumb or ugly or weak or unlovable to get free and to survive and to thrive.  Don’t believe them when they say it’s your fault; you should feel guilt and shame.  Don’t believe them when they say it’s too hard.  They’re wrong.

Don’t believe yourself when that negative, bullying, abusive voice they tried to plant in your head tells you how bad you are or that you’re too weak to resist.  That voice is trying to protect you from further pain but it’s saying the wrong things.  Uproot that poison ivy.  It’s wrong.

Don’t be crushed.  You can overcome control and putdowns and bullying and abuse.  You can get the money and allies you need.  You can get free.  You can start a new life.  You can create a wonderful life.  Have hope.

You can become a different person.  You can learn to recognize the Early Warning Signs of bullies and stop or avoid them.  You can learn to protect and defend yourself.  You can get help.

History is not destiny.

The best way to create a wonderful life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Opinionated missionaries and zealots don't know best

Everyone was convinced they knew what was best for Amy and they always told her what to do.

Her father controlled her when she was growing up.  Her brother and sisters were certain they were right.  Their negativity restricted her life.  Her husband was a control-freak.  He knew what was best in everything and he criticized her relentlessly.  Eventually, her teenage children also told her she was incompetent and needed to give them what they wanted.  Even her friends gave their opinions in a way that showed they were sure they were right and she was dumb.

Amy hated herself and her life.  She felt harassed, bullied and abused.  She never trusted herself.  Her self-confidence and self-esteem were minimal.  She still had inklings about what she wanted to do and what was best for her but she never trusted herself.  She talked herself out of what she felt.

Some of those people had good intentions, some wanted to straighten her out for her own benefit, and some were simply passing along their fears, while others wanted to control her for their own reasons

How could she disagree with people who were so convinced they were right?
The breakthrough for Amy came when she realized that all those people were simply missionaries.  They didn’t think of themselves that way but their God was their own opinions.  They were zealots or mercenaries for what they though was right.

Their opinions told her about them; their opinions told her nothing about what was right or what was best for her.
Their certainty didn’t make their opinions true.  She’d never believe someone who told her they’d been taken up in a spaceship and had had 24 babies fathered by aliens.  No matter how convinced they were, that didn’t make it true or good or useful for her.

People were merely saying what they thought.  Their opinions told her how they thought, what they were afraid of and what they wanted.  Their opinions weren’t right or best and wouldn’t necessarily make her life better.  Their opinions were 100% about them.

Looking at them as missionaries, zealots or mercenaries for their own opinions helped Amy free herself.  She didn’t even feel guilt when she started going her own way.

The best way to learn how to trust yourself and to create the unique life you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult children: 'Love' can be a trap

Sylvia’s daughter is simply rotten to her and her husband.  The girl is a 39 year-old woman but she still acts like a child.  She demands everything she wants, yells at Sylvia, blames all her problems on Sylvia, is never grateful for anything they give her, curses them and has even stolen money from Sylvia’s purse.

She comes by with no notice to drop her 3 year-old daughter on Sylvia, with no idea about how long she’ll need help.  If Sylvia objects, her daughter yells that Sylvia doesn’t love her granddaughter and will never see her again.  Sylvia loves her granddaughter but also likes to plan her time.

Sylvia’s daughter says if they love her they’ll always pay for what she needs, take care of her daughter whenever she needs, agree with her and support her decisions.
She’s always testing whether they love her enough.

Sylvia is fed up and wants to stop the negativity, abuse and bullying but Sylvia’s husband can’t bring himself to take any action.  He begs his daughter to listen but he always gives in when she doesn’t.  She’s his little girl and he’s responsible for making her happy.  He’s clear, “How can I say “No,’ when I love her?”

That’s the problem for Sylvia and her husband.  He thinks that love means giving his baby girl everything she wants to make her happy.  As long as he believes that, he’ll never change their dance of death.  And Sylvia will be forced to choose between giving up her life, fighting him to the death or divorcing him.

As long as we have to be the mommy or daddy who bails them out and is responsible for their happiness, they have to be the little children.
Which means they have to rebel and argue and make our lives miserable.  Which also means they can remain narcissistic, entitled, dependent, surly teenagers for the rest of their lives.

The more we do for them, the more they’ll blame us for everything, including finally kicking them out of the nest.
I’ve never seen the tactics used by Sylvia’s husband change these weak, narcissistic children.

Sylvia’s husband had to learn a more effective expression of “love.” And an updated version of his role as father to a woman who is almost 40.

When he learned that being a father meant he had to show her the effects of her child-like temper tantrums, had to set high behavioral standards fitting a grownup, had to make her pay the price of her actions, he and Sylvia were able to protect their lives from their toxic adult child.

He turned everything around when he insisted the he was now testing the woman his beloved, little girl had become.
It was now her job to make them happy if she wanted anything from them.

The best way to learn how to love effectively is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult step-child: Husband protects her

Lucy’s stepdaughter has hated her since they met when the girl was ten.  In the past 25 years, she’s blamed Lucy for all of the many bad decision she’s made, for every bit of bad luck and, in general, for everything when she feels bad or is angry.

Lucy tried everything to be a good adult friend when the girl was growing up and she’s made repeated attempts to befriend the girl since she’s been an adult.  But every attempt has been rebuffed.  Her stepdaughter has been negative, critical, verbally abusive and bullying toward Lucy.  She’s cursed Lucy regularly.  Therapy only seemed to give her approval for acting out her hostility and anger.

For the past 15 years, she’s treated her father the same way.  Although she’s taken his money, she’s never softened her approach.  She’s made his life miserable but he’s never acted on the consequences he’s threatened her with.  He’s tried every one of the nine methods that don’t stop relentless bullies…and they haven’t stopped his daughter.

The daughter was a toxic child and is now a toxic adult.

Except for that subject, Lucy’s marriage has been wonderful.  She and her husband have fun doing everything except dealing with this problem.  He’s never required his daughter to behave better.  When Lucy has finally lost her temper and said, “No more,” he’s tried to smooth everything over and always asks Lucy to be more tolerant.  After all, he says, “She’s still my sweet, little baby.  And it’s my fault I divorced her mother.  If we’re nice enough, she’ll come around and appreciate you.”

The truth is that the girl’s mother was crazy, abusive and an alcoholic.  After years of taking her abuse, Lucy’s husband finally divorced her and got custody of their daughter when she was five.  The girl was as out of control as her mother when she didn’t get everything she wanted.  Lucy’s husband has begged his daughter for the last 30 years to be polite and civil, but she’s always tried to argue him into submission or blackmail him emotionally into giving her everything she wanted at the moment.

The situation finally came to a head after the daughter got pregnant at age 33 and married the loser who’s the father of baby.  That guy wants Lucy’s step-daughter to go back to work to support him while he hangs out with his friends.  Or he’s willing to be supported by Lucy’s husband.  In a shouting match last week with Lucy, her stepdaughter shoved her and smacked her.  Then she did the same to her father and threated him that he’d never see his granddaughter unless he supported her and her husband, and got rid of Lucy.

Lucy’s husband said he doesn’t know what to do.  He hoped that if Lucy apologized for getting his daughter upset, she’d relent and let him see his granddaughter.

Lucy was finally adamant:

1. She had nothing to apologize for and his daughter had the apologizing to do.
2. They have just enough money for their own needs and can’t afford to support the couple.
3. She’s tired of the continued abuse and won’t see the girl or her rotten husband any more until they apologize and change.
4. She wanted her husband to demand good behavior from his daughter or no-contact even if that meant he wouldn’t get to see his granddaughter.  She wanted him to stop coddling his daughter and start treating her as an adult who has to be responsible for her words and actions.
5. She wanted her husband to start protecting her and the future they’ve dreamed of even if that costs him a relationship with a person who is toxic to him and his wife.

This was difficult for him.  Even after 30 years, He still felt guilty.  And, deep down he thought his daughter and her husband would go under if he didn’t give them everything they wanted.  He couldn’t see how to love his daughter while enforcing strong standards about behavior he simply won’t tolerate.  He had a life choice to make.  What kind of future did he want?

The best way to learn how to see clearly and to protect what’s most important to you is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult children: Husband won't protect you

Judy’s 42 year-old son is killing her with his negativity, criticism, verbal abuse and bullying.  He’s demanding and selfish, and never says “please” or “thank you” for her efforts.  He drains her energy and spirit each day.

Her husband had insisted they take him back in for a few months since he lost his job again, was divorced by his ex-wife and seemed lost.  But that was 19 months ago.

He stays out all night, sleeps ‘till 2 in the afternoon and then goes off with his friends.  He refuses to help out around the house since, he claims, “I’m an adult.  I don’t do kid chores.”  He has no income and when he’s spent all the money they give him, to fund his fun he steals money from Judy’s purse or forges her name on checks he cashes.

Judy is tired of doing his laundry, feeding him and cleaning up after him.  She sees their retirement funds being eaten by him and she feels oppressed by his presence in the house.  He won’t go to therapy and seems perfectly happy with his freedom from any responsibility.

Judy wants to kick him out of their nest, give him only a specific amount of money she thinks they could afford each month and make him fly on his own.  Even though her husband still has to work to support his son, instead of retiring like they planned, he won’t even talk about that approach.

What can Judy do?
Before talking about methods Judy might use to get her grown son out of the house, including using the law since he’s forged checks, Judy has to make some decisions for herself.

Does she think her son is mentally or emotionally disabled so he’ll never be able to take care of himself?  If so, she’d better plan for them to support him the rest of his life, even after they’re gone?  But her answer is emphatically “No.”

Thinking down the pathway that he needs to be on his own, Judy needs the courage, strength and determination to act, whether her husband likes it or not.  Otherwise, the rest of her life will be as barren as if a plague of locust had ravaged it.

But she couldn’t get the determination until she realized that she was beginning to hate her son and wishing he’d die in a freak accident.  Despite her guilt at thinking like that, her rage at that parasite pushed her over a threshold.  

Then, she had to decide how to tackle her husband’s resistance to acting or even allowing her to take matters into her own hands.  She knew her husband was avoiding the issue because he could see no solution that would enable him to take care of himself, his wife and his son, all at the same time.  Her husband was overwhelmed by compassion for their son, even though he could see twenty years of laziness and poor decisions that had gotten the boy to this point.  So all he did was hope for a miracle.  And he avoided the emotional pain by spending more and more time at work.

The solution Judy found was to confront her husband with the idea that he was responsible for protecting what was important to him.  Now he was faced with a horrible choice, but one he had to make: Protect his beloved wife from his bullying son, or protect his blood-sucking son from the consequences of his own actions, even though coddling his son would cost him his wife, his retirement and his hoped-for future.

The best way to learn how to see clearly and to protect what’s most important to you is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

'Compassion' and 'love' can be traps

Compassion, caring and love are wonderful attributes but when you’re faced with relentless, sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies, they can be traps.

Jane’s mother had been a toxic, abusive, bully all Jane’s life.  Now she wanted Jane to leave her life, move in with her and take care of her full time.  All her demands, reasons, excuses and justifications could be summed up in one phrase: “If you were compassionate, you’d do what I want.”

Alice’s 39 year-old son had always felt entitled to everything she had.  He’d been demanding, sarcastic and critical, and had harassed Alice until she gave him what he wanted.  Now he’d been fired from his latest job and had insisted on moving back in with her again so she could take care of him.  She should use her retirement funds to pay for his fun.  All his demands, reasons, excuses and justifications could be summed up in one phrase: “If you loved me, you’d do what I want.”

When specific behaviors are required to prove ‘compassion’ and ‘love,’ those words become traps.
At first, Jane and Alice were overwhelmed with guilt.  How could they say, “No,” and still think of themselves as caring, compassionate and loving people?  As part of a pattern of coercion and bullying, compassion and love require that you do what the bully wants.  You are required to use the nine strategies that do not stop bullies – accept, overlook, give in, minimize, martyr, forgive, forget, etc.

How about their compassion and love for you and the life you want to create?
Narcissistic bullies don’t value you; they’re the ones who matter most.  Their wants and needs, their desires and whims are more important than what you want.

You can have compassion and love for bullies’ spirits, while you deal with their personalities.
You can pray for people, especially from a distance, while you keep their personalities away from you.  Don’t let bullies take everything you have, mistreat you and your children, or destroy the wonderful future you’re trying to create.

There’s a potent line from “Fiddler on the Roof.”  The Rabbi is asked, “Is there a blessing for the Czar?”  He replies, “There’s a blessing for everyone.  May God bless and keep the Czar…far away from us.”

Being free from the old rules about what compassion and love require you to do, frees you to choose from a wide range of possible actions.
Both Jane and Alice chose to love the bullies from a distance and to protect the lives they loved from destruction by predators in the name of compassion and love.

Compassion is not about what to do, it’s about how to do it.
Both Jane and Alice were compassionate and loving while the set the boundaries they needed.

The best way to learn how to set boundaries compassionately and lovingly is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic Adult Children: Choose Your Life

Mary’s 37 year-old son was nasty, demeaning and critical of everything she did.  He harassed, bullied and abused her.  He was toxic.  And she’d allowed him to move back home.

He was bright but, since high school, nothing ever pleased him for long and he’d never succeeded at anything.  He’d changed colleges four times before he graduated.  He refused to stay at his first three jobs.  He had tried two vocational programs before he dropped out of them.

Mary and her husband had paid for all of these efforts as well as for his apartments, cars, insurance and food.  Mary’s son was too busy and too unhappy to support himself.  Now his demands had escalated and paying his expenses was eating into their retirement funds.

After the last failure, he had nowhere to go so Mary and her husband had allowed him to move back in with them.  While her son was civil to his father, he was enraged with Mary.  According to him, all his problems were her fault so he felt justified in treating her anyway he wanted at the moment. Which was almost always demanding and vicious.

Mary knew she and her husband hadn’t done anything wrong to their son except maybe to give him too much of what he wanted and excuse all his bad behavior before he left for college.  She was stuck between hating him and wanting him out, and hoping that with one more chance, he’d finally succeed and become nice to her.

She finally asked herself a sequence of questions:

1. Was her son physically or mentally incapable of making a living and being independent?  Her answer was “No.”  He was still physically able, still bright and still capable of doing anything he wanted when it suited him.  He was simply selfish and narcissistic, and felt entitled to be taken care of so he could do what he whatever wanted all day.
2. If he continued the way he was, would she begin to hate his behavior and would her life become thwarted and impoverished?  Her answer was “Yes.”  She’d always love him but she was already disliking his actions.  If the pattern continued, her future would become dark and dreary.  She’d look forward to dying in order to get out the problem.
3. Should she allow him to continue acting the way he did while she paid for therapy?  She’d already paid for years of therapy he hated and which seemed to give no changes.  He kept blaming his parents and took no responsibility for his own behavior or for his future.  She was done with that approach.
4. Did she want to continue being a martyr, sacrificing her and her husband’s lives, or did she want to kick him out of the nest?  Of course, she’d have to deal with his recriminations and her guilt but, at least, she and her husband could enjoy the future they’d planned.

I’ve seen many situations like Mary’s and there has been only one method that I’ve seen change the way those toxic, adult children behave.  The way of giving them one more chance, forever, never succeeds.  Kicking them out of the nest often does.

Mary’s son is not an alcoholic or addict yet.   He hasn’t gotten sick or hurt himself so badly that he’s disabled and requires their care, yet.  Those are good signs.  But if she keeps helping him, the chances are he’ll descend lower and lower in order to keep getting a free ride.

Each situation is unique; everyone’s decision is different.  Mary decided to choose the life she wanted to live for the next 30 years, given that she’d probably never have a good relationship with her son nor grandchildren to play with.

She’d kick her little bird out of the nest.  She’d pay his rent directly to a landlord and give him a certain allowance each month for two years as long as he moved across the country, away from them.  That way she could easily avoid communicating with him if he became abusive.

She’d stop paying immediately if he became too toxic to her.  At the end of two years she’d stop paying.  If he got sick or became addicted, he was on his own.

The best way to learn how to deal with toxic, adult children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

A Hero's journey to be free from toxic parents

Sean had a problem: parents who were still toxic even after Sean became financial and physically independent

Sean was mid-40s, happily married and with a great job that allowed her the flexibility to work and still be there for her three children.  Nevertheless here parents were still vocal and insistent about their disapproval of every detail of her life.  They still tried to force her to do what they wanted.  Now they demanded money from Sean because they couldn’t afford to live the way they wanted and still preserve their retirement funds for later.

Sean had always said, “Why me?”
She certainly hadn’t done anything to deserve such parents and such treatment.  She’d always felt persecuted; afraid to venture much because she was always looking over her shoulder waiting for the next blow, the next in a seemingly endless succession of negativity, harassment, abuse and bullying.

Sean was immediately freed when she started seeing her life in a different way.
When she saw her life as a heroic struggle to be free of oppression, she immediately felt a surge of strength and determination.  She’d never let herself be defeated.  Previously she’d thought of heroes as men, far off somewhere fighting enemies or slaying dragons.  But now she realized that her life-threatening challenge was to free herself from the attacks by her parents, who seemed never to give up.

Actually, Sean saw that she’d already struggled heroically to free herself in three very important ways.  She’d become physically and financially independent.  She’d married the man she wanted, despite her parents’ objections, and it had been a wise choice.  She and her husband were very happy about the way they were raising their children and the kids were wonderful – despite her parents’ predictions.

She’d already succeeded in what she saw as the first great struggle to create the live she wanted.
Now she faced the second great challenge on her heroic path.

She was being called upon to be even more brave and strong than before.  She felt herself irresistibly drawn to making a very clear and firm boundary for the second half of her life.  The next heroic step for her was to tell her parents to butt out or be gone from her family’s life.  Either they stopping being nasty or Sean would not allow them to get close.

She’d have to become the protector of her own kingdom and not let any dragons in – even or especially her parents.

The best way to learn how to fulfill your heroic potential and destiny is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to overcome the great challenges you face.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents? Stop revolving around them.

If you have toxic parents, remove them from the center of your solar system; stop revolving around them.

I’ve discussed toxic parents in some recent blog articles:

• “Leaving toxic parents and enabling family.”
• “Leave toxic parents; create a home for your heart and spirit.”

We grow up revolving around our parents.  They are like the sun around which we orbit.  We get what we need and want from them.  We endure their narcissism, manipulation, control, bullying and abuse.  We endure blame, shame and guilt.  They beat us into shape on the anvil of daily life.  We learn how to be people from them.

We want them to love us.  We struggle to bribe them or change them so they’ll be nice to us.

We love them and we hate them.

Getting away from them physically is not enough.
We finally leave and struggle to be independent physically and financially.  That means we go to school, get jobs, get married – in some combination and sequence.  But we still carry them in our heads and hearts; we still love them and hate them.  We still revolve around them mentally and emotionally, dancing between acceptance and rejection, forgiveness and guilt, love and hate.  We still pay attention to them.

To be truly free, leave home mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
To travel, unencumbered by them, into the second half of our lives, we need to remove them from the center of our solar system and cast them far away into the outer universe.  Maybe into a black hole.  Then they can take their rightful place in our world – far away, about the size of one pixel, insignificant; out of sight and out of mind.

Then we can be free from post-traumatic stress.  Then we’re free to pay attention to our own lives and put 100% of our energy into making it wonderful.

Toxic parents stole the first half of your life, don’t let them suck the blood out of the second half.

The best way to learn how to stop revolving around toxic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get toxic polluters out of your inner life so you have space for the wonderful people who will want to be with you.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, 2nd Edition

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, 2nd Edition” is finally published in softcover and also in a Kindle edition.

You can find the soft cover here.

The Kindle version can be found here.

Stop bullying and toxic relationships at home and at work.  Stop controllers, critics, relentless arguers, exploders, manipulators, narcissists, perfectionists, abusers, passive-aggressives, emotional intimidators and self-bullying

How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, Second Edition, will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work.

• Early warning signs of overt and sneaky bullies.
• Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using.
• The three strategies that will be successful.
• A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies.
• Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life.
• How to protect your personal ecology.

If you:

• Live in frustrating, painful, toxic, hostile relationships or a marriage full of drudgery and pain.
• Get worn down by passive aggressive manipulation, negativity, criticism, harassment, control, emotional intimidation, endless arguing, bullying or abuse.
• Suffer in silence – watching yourself or your spouse, your children or friends get bullied.
• Can’t protect yourself from bullying bosses or co-workers.
• Try to be sweet and nice, reasonable and understanding, people pleasing and serving others, and still get bullied.

This book is for you!

These case studies demonstrate methods that will help you take power and stop bullies in any situation in personal life, at school and at work.  Learn how to:

• Recognize and stop sneaky bullies in any relationship – on first dates or even if you are married with children; with toxic parents, toxic adult children or narcissistic friends; at work and at school.
• Set effective boundaries so you can get treated like you want.
• Have the loving, long-term relationships and friendships you desire.
• Create a bully-free environment.

Go beyond magical thinking – searching for a technique that will work instantly, easily and last forever.  With this book you can learn real-world methods to:

• Change your mind-set.
• Build character, courage and skill.
• Stop bullying spouses, dates, parents, children, relatives and friends.
• Stop bullying bosses and co-workers.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies in their tracks is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get toxic polluters out of your life so you have space for the wonderful people who will want to be with you.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Leave toxic parents; create a home for your heart and spirit

In my last article, “Leaving toxic parents and enabling family,” I described Lucy’s abusive, bullying mother and enabling family.  When Lucy’s daughter was threatened, Lucy finally felt compelled to act.  Protecting her daughter was more important than protecting her mother from the consequences of her negativity, criticism and sarcasm.

Lucy had never been able to change her mother’s behavior because she’d always tried to educate her mother.
Lucy had hoped that if she only explained rationally, logically and appropriately enough, her mother would see what she was doing and become the mother Lucy had always wanted.  But the problem was not that Lucy’s mother was ignorant.  It really doesn’t matter whether Lucy’s mother recognized the harm she was doing or not; whether Lucy’s mother thought she was only trying to help Lucy and her daughter; whether Lucy’s mother was blind or misguided or uncaring or crazy.  The answers to those questions won’t help her.

The only thing that matters is that Lucy act to protect the wonderful future she’d created.  Against all attackers, Lucy must protect her children and the life she and her husband loved.

Lucy had the wrong goal: Change her mother’s attitudes so her mother would act nicer.
We have a word for arguing, debating and demanding change but not having real and effective consequences.  Those actions are called, “Begging.”  But Lucy’s mother had never changed when she was begged.

Lucy’s only hope of changing her mother’s behavior was to have strong consequences leading up to “Zero tolerance” and “No contact” if necessary.

If Lucy’s mother never changed, Lucy would still have achieved her real goal: Creating a wonderful environment, free from toxic polluters.

Lucy saw herself as a brave and strong immigrant, travelling to the wonderful future she wanted to create.
When Lucy saw herself as leaving the old country and its culture, and sailing off to her new land and chosen culture, she felt freed from a dark prison of old guilt and rules.  Now she was courageous and strong enough to persevere.  The future she wanted for her family was more important than the blood ties that had scarred her and were now wounding her daughter.  She hoped her mother and the rest of the family would change, but if they didn’t, they couldn’t get into the sacred space she was creating and protecting.

She was eager to be the steward of her new land; protecting and preserving it for the next generations.  She wanted to be a model for her children.

Now Lucy would have to find and create the family of her heart and spirit that she’d always thirsted for.
We often cling to the initial family of our bodies because we know that when we need help desperately, they’ll come no matter how difficult.  It’s scary to let go of that life preserver.

Lucy and her husband saw that they needed to make a new family; one of their choosing; one that would support their hearts and spirits.  And one that would be there when needed, no matter the difficulty.

But suppose Lucy’s values and priorities are wrong?
We never know how life will turn out.  Our only choice is how to live it.  Lucy chose to follow her heart and spirit.  Lucy chose to follow her joy.

The best way to learn how to begin creating a family of your heart and spirit is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get toxic polluters out of your life so you have space for the wonderful people who will want to be with you.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Leaving toxic parents and enabling family

Lucy’s mother was horrible to her for as long as Lucy could remember – always critical, controlling, sarcastic and predicting failure.  According to Lucy’s mother, Lucy was not only never good enough, she was rotten to the core – a bad seed.  Lucy’s mother had denied or taken away everything Lucy has wanted.

Lucy had tried to please her mother in every way she could think of, but nothing had bought more than a moment’s reprieve from her mother’s harassment.  Lucy also learned that if she put up more than a token argument, her mother would get even meaner and more abusive.  Her mother had rarely hit Lucy but the mental and emotional abuse felt like torture.

Lucy’s father wasn’t mean or nasty but he never stopped Lucy’s mother.  He simply turned his back and vanished.  His only advice to Lucy was, “That’s the way she is, you’ll just have to put up with it.”  Her relatives and siblings felt the same way.  By continuing to minimize or excuse her mother’s behavior or sometimes piling on also, they enabled Lucy’s mother to continue bullying them all.

So Lucy had endured her toxic mother.

When she was 21 and still living with her parents, Lucy had met and fallen in love.  Despite her mother’s hatred of Harry, Lucy had married him.  And despite her mother’s predictions, it turned out wonderful.  Harry was really nice and his parents welcomed Lucy into their hearts.  Lucy and her husband were financially independent and they had two wonderful children.

Lucy’s mother expanded her negativity and abuse to include Lucy’s children.  Lucy told her mother how her bullying and abuse was harmful but her mother hardly stopped.

Lucy’s oldest child didn’t care.  He didn’t fight back; he simply ignored his grandmother.  But Lucy’s youngest child was more sensitive.  She was crushed by what her grandmother said and did.  Initially Lucy wanted her daughter to get over her hurt feelings and grin and bear it.  But finally Lucy snapped.  She didn’t want her daughter to have the scars she had.  She’d had enough.

Lucy saw that she had to make a choice: Protect her mother or protect her daughter.
Of course, Lucy brought up many questions before she felt ready to protect the wonderful life she and her husband had created:

1. How could she stop her mother’s bullying and abuse when she’d already tried every logical argument she could think of?  In the past, her mother had simply ignored Lucy’s pain and anger, and pretended that what she did was justified and normal.
2. How could she ignore the debt she owed her mother for raising her?  How could she get over her guilt at resisting her mother?  Was it morally right to dishonor her mother by choosing her daughter as more important?
3. If she pushed her mother away, would she lose her whole family?  What if the rest of the family started twisting her arms?  How could her family survive if she cut off her mother?  Who would come to help if she got sick?
4. What could she do if her mother behaved sweetly for a little while and then reverted to her old ways?

Lucy did act bravely and strongly.  She succeeded and created a bully-free environment for herself and her family.  I won’t go into Lucy’s answers and the strategy Lucy chose.  You can begin learning from an earlier article: What You Owe Toxic Parents

The best way to learn how to stop toxic parents and enabling families is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get bullying and abuse out of your life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Donald Sterling doesn’t want forgiveness

Donald Sterling now claims he made a mistake and that he wants forgiveness.

He’s lying on both counts.

Donald Sterling didn’t make a mistake.
A mistake is something minor; something about which you can say, “Oops,” and everyone laughs.  Donald Sterling thinks and said some horrible, atrocious, demeaning things.  Donald Sterling wants to minimize the nature of what he said by calling his thoughts and words “mistakes.”  No, they’re much worse.  And the debt owed is much greater.

Donald Sterling doesn’t want forgiveness.
He want to get off with a free pass.  He wants to be let off the hook.  He wants no consequences.  That’s not “forgiveness,” that’s a free opportunity to stay in the same position to do the same things.

And he wants to have to make no amends or to be the one who decides what amends are called for.  The NBA has already determined the amends required.

Three year old kids might be given a free pass one time when they confess and promise never to be bad again.  Or when their excuse is that someone dared them to do it or baited them.  But adults don’t get forgiven their debts and simply walk away.  We hold them to a higher standard and we have consequences for crimes.

I wonder how many debts Donald Sterling forgave his tenants for as he amassed his millions.

There’s a big difference between forgiveness and no consequences.  And sneaky bullies always try to confuse us by saying those words mean the same thing and there should be no consequences or amends for what they’ve done.  And we should give them the same opportunity to harass, abuse and bully us again.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky, manipulative bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get bullying and manipulation out of your life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book - "How to Stop Sneaky Bullies"

“How to Stop Sneaky Bullies” is finally published in a Kindle Edition.  It’s a revised and updated version of “Bullies Below the Radar,” 2nd edition

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K0PH08A

If you:

• Live in frustrating, painful, toxic, hostile relationships or a marriage full of drudgery and pain.
• Get worn down by passive aggressive manipulation, negativity, criticism, harassment, control, emotional intimidation, endless arguing, bullying or abuse.
• Suffer in silence – watching yourself or your spouse, your children or friends get bullied.
• Try to be sweet and nice, reasonable and understanding, people pleasing and serving others, and still get bullied.

This book is for you!

This case study uses a long-term relationship with children to demonstrate methods that will help you take power and stop bullies in any situation in personal life, at school and at work.  Learn how to:

• Recognize and stop sneaky bullies in any relationship – on first dates or even if you are married with children; with toxic parents, toxic adult children or narcissistic friends; at work and at school.
• Set effective boundaries so you can get treated like you want.
• Have the loving, long-term relationships and friendships you desire.
• Create a bully-free environment.

Go beyond magical thinking – searching for a technique that will work instantly, easily and last forever.  With this book you can learn real-world methods to:

• Change your mind-set.
• Build character, courage and skill.
• Stop controllers, critics, exploders, pushy perfectionists, emotional intimidators, smiling manipulators and relentless arguers.
• Stop bullying spouses, dates, parents, children, relatives and friends.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky bullies in personal life and at work is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Donald Sterling: Shame and Honor

Donald Sterling brought shame and dishonor onto himself and his children, on his extended family and his basketball team, on his city and country.  He embarrassed himself in front of everyone.

What can Donald Sterling do to reclaim some honor and dignity?
Donald Sterling is a fighter.  He may think that courage, honor and making more money demand that he fight back. His lawyers can help him spin what he said during a contentious personal and private argument.   He knows how to harass, manipulate and bully people and the legal system.  He can get involved in protracted legal battles that will keep himself and his children in the media for a long time.

To regain what he can of his honor and dignity, I implore him not to.

Many societies have codes that specify what brings shame and dishonor to an individual and family.  And they each have ways of regaining some of that honor – for the sake of their children and grandchildren, for the sake of their legacy.

I am not encouraging Donald Sterling to commit seppuku.  That’s not the way of our culture.  But I don’t want his children walking down the street through lines of people hissing “seppuku” as a response to the shame he has bought.

Mr. Sterling, all you have to do is have the courage to respond with dignity and put the Clippers up for sale before the other owners try to force you to.  Avoid a long and odious fight, avoid the glare of publicity and shame that will spread like a blot over your family.  Avoid a fire sale.  Get an arbitrator to help set the price so you can make a huge profit on your team.  

Or try seppuku.

Act with dignity so your grandchildren will speak your name with pride.

Oh, by the way, don’t talk to the girlfriend anymore.  If you have to communicate, let your lawyers do it.  Nothing good comes from old guys getting into vicious arguments while they break up with young girlfriends.  Get a new girlfriend.

The best way to learn how to act with honor, dignity and success in tough situations is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to leave a good name and legacy.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

An effective response to toxic parents and abusive spouses

A lot of people are too young to run away from toxic parents.  What can you do in the face of relentless criticism, harassment, bullying and abuse?  What can you do if you’re stuck for some a finite time in these homes?

Three images-reminders to begin with:

1. Be invulnerable.  Survive no matter what.  Ignore them as much as possible.  Their opinions don’t count.  Don’t debate or argue.  Fly low and make secret plans in the fastness of your heart.  Then get free.
2. Be unbroken.  Plan for your leaving; in the middle of the night if you have to.  Learn a skill so you can make a living.  Or get away to college.  Become financially and physically independent.  No matter how long.  No matter how far.
3. Let nothing crush you.  Be like your ancestors, who survived far worse than you probably have.  They survived flood and drought, famine and plague, fire and tornado, war, pillage, rape and slavery.  You have that DNA in you.  They survived and you can too.  Learn the lives of heroes who had it worse than you and who will inspire strength and fighting spirit in you.

It really is that simple and straightforward.  If may be extremely difficult.  But your future is calling to you.  Your next seventy years are calling to you.

It’s the same with toxic spouses – husbands and wives.  Those toxic people took away the first years of your life.  Don’t let them take away the rest.

Every morning, before you get out of bed send your spirit roaring, like Aslan’s call over Narnia; roaring over your body and mind and soul.  Don’t despair.  Live.  Rise with the courage, strength and will to live.

Take your power and plan.  Be free to fulfill your life.

Be magnificent.  Be the hero of your life.

The best way to endure and free yourself from toxic perpetrators is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Am I bullying when I resist a bully?

Tom was being bullied by someone he’d known for years.  With a smile and a soft voice, the other guy put Tom down relentlessly, mocked him or shouted at him publically, stabbed him in the back and spread rumors about him.  Tom had tried to ignore the negativity and criticism all that time or to rise above the harassment and abuse.  

When Tom finally labeled the other guy as a bully, he wanted to defend himself and he wanted to strike back.  Even though he felt like his blood was being poisoned by this snake, he hesitated.  His questions were typical: If I resist, am I a bully?  If I strike back, am I a bully?

I’ve been vague about the situation because, even though this was at work, the same pattern plays out in all areas of life – when spouses are relentless in demeaning their partners, when toxic parents or adult children spread their poison, when grown siblings fight, when extended family members attack someone, when supposed friends cut someone down, and, of course, at school.

If I resist and fight back, am I a bully?
No.  It’s that simple.

Tom must protect himself from a relentless predator who’s trying to feed off him and get him fired.  Predators like sharks or hyenas won’t quit when we’re nice to them.  Since the other guy is waging war, Tom must do whatever he needs to in order to protect himself.  He’s not bullying.  The other guy will show Tom how far he has to go in order to win.

Initially, Tom would have stopped attacking the other guy if the other guy had stopped trying to get Tom fired.  But now it’s a matter of survival.  Tom say, “I forgive him and I’ll bury him.

Good for Tom.  He needs to protect himself and his family from the predator.

The best way to free yourself from self-doubt and to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.