Stop bullies' traps during the holidays

Jerri knew she had to be wary during the holidays.  Her family set many traps into which she’d fallen over the years.  But this year would be different.

Her family was full of righteous, critical, bullying abusers.  Sometimes they were overt in attacking her for her many faults, including being unloving, uncaring, selfish and narcissistic when she didn’t want to do what they wanted.  Or they exploded and yelled and screamed.  And it was her fault because she upset them.  Sometimes they were sneaky and manipulative in getting her to do what they wanted even when she didn’t want to do it.

Trap #1 – They put her in a helpless position in order to force her to do what they wanted even though she don’t want to do.
Last year, Jerri’s brother insisted on driving her the full day to their folks’ home and to visit friends and relatives she didn’t want to see.  They were negative about her life and criticized her clothes, hair and activities.  But she was stuck since it was is car and he insisted.  He had good reasons to rebut every excuse she made.  This year she’s driving by herself whether he thinks it’s reasonable or not.

Trap #2 – They talked behind Jerri’s back and labeled her with emotional blackmailing words.
She didn’t want to be labeled as unloving, uncaring, selfish and narcissistic, so she’d give in to prove that she was a good person.  But no amount of proof seemed to stop them next time they wanted something.  Every time she gave in, they demanded more proofs.  This year, Jerri admitted to herself that she doesn’t care what those relatives think.  She visits out of duty and is glad to spend the rest of the year far away.

Trap #3 – Jerri put herself in a trap because she thought she had to find excuses they would accept in order for her to do what she wanted.
Jerri had been trained to be sweet and accommodating, not to force her will on other people.  She couldn’t say “No” simply because she wanted to.  She felt she had to find excuses that they would accept.  She felt that she couldn’t do what she wanted unless they approved or gave permission.  This year, she’ll say “Yes” or “No” without reasons – just because that’s what she wants.

There are many other traps and even more tactics you can use to maintain your boundaries.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Jealousy during the holidays

Many people dread the holidays because of the jealousy that gets acted out among siblings, between parents and children, or even among the relatives.

Too often, the fights are even more vicious than they were when you were a kid.  You dread going to see the whole family when your sisters and brothers will criticize, harass and bully you openly or, even harder to deal with, when they do it sneakily, making cutting remarks with a smile or bringing up old wounds and abuses you’d rather not talk about.  Or your parents compare who’s the best or most successful, loving or worthy child.

What can you do when you’re the target?  Choices depend on the situation and on you.  Common ones are:

1. Just take it and try to ignore it.  They’re jerks but you’re going to rise above because they’re “family.” And nothing will change.
2. Try to love them into changing.
3. Speak up calmly.  Point out the nastiness; shine a light on it.  Tell them to grow up.
4. Fight back with words that will hurt them.
5. Leave.  Tell them off in the process.  Become the most difficult person because, often, the most difficult person is the one the family gives in to.
6. Don’t even go.  You can make excuses or tell the truth.

Many other choices are possible.

I’m raising these possibilities because you’re free to do what you want.  There is no “One-Right-Answer.”

• You’re not required to submit to beatings, verbal or otherwise, in the name of some idealized but painful relationship called “family.”
• You don’t have to wait until they admit they’re doing something wrong.  Follow your own pain and standards: Act because you won’t allow anyone to treat you that way, whether or not they “mean it.”

Many people put up with jealousy-based bullying and abuse until their children are old enough to notice.  Then they’re motivated to act.  Whether your children are abused also or, even harder, when your children are treated wonderfully while you’re put down, you must stop the jealous behavior or make distance.  By setting boundaries you may be able to change them family bullies.  But the real goal is to make a bully-free environment, not to change them.  They have free will.

Your children must see you model how to deal with bullies, no matter what the relationship.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book – "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks," 2nd edition

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” 2nd edition, is finally published as a Kindle Edition.  

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KI43XLG

Stop bullying and toxic relationships at home and at work. Stop controllers, critics, relentless arguers, exploders, manipulators, narcissists, perfectionists, abusers, passive-aggressives, emotional intimidators and self-bullying

"How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks," Second Edition, will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work.

• Early warning signs of overt and sneaky bullies.
• Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using.
• The three strategies that will be successful.
• A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies.
• Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life.
• How to protect your personal ecology.

If you:

• Live in frustrating, painful, toxic, hostile relationships or a marriage full of drudgery and pain.
• Get worn down by passive aggressive manipulation, negativity, criticism, harassment, control, emotional intimidation, endless arguing, bullying or abuse.
• Suffer in silence – watching yourself or your spouse, your children or friends get bullied.
• Can’t protect yourself from bullying bosses or co-workers.
• Try to be sweet and nice, reasonable and understanding, people pleasing and serving others, and still get bullied.

This book is for you!

These case studies demonstrate methods that will help you take power and stop bullies in any situation in personal life, at school and at work. Learn how to:

• Recognize and stop sneaky bullies in any relationship – on first dates or even if you are married with children; with toxic parents, toxic adult children or narcissistic friends; at work and at school.
• Set effective boundaries so you can get treated like you want.
• Have the loving, long-term relationships and friendships you desire.
• Create a bully-free environment.

Go beyond magical thinking – searching for a technique that will work instantly, easily and last forever. With this book you can learn real-world methods to:

• Change your mind-set.
• Build character, courage and skill.
• Stop bullying spouses, dates, parents, children, relatives and friends.
• Stop bullying bosses and co-workers.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies in personal life and at work is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Act: Stop anxious, depressing, self-bullying

Caught again in obsessing, anxious, depressing self-bullying?  Usual activities lost their savor?  Stuck again in the dark, negative recesses of your mind, can’t see any way out of your troubles, future black or gone?

Instead of working to feel better so you can do what you want, try the opposite approach.  Start with action.  Throw yourself wholeheartedly into worthwhile activities.  And keep throwing yourself and throwing yourself and throwing yourself, no matter what you think.  Stop harassing and abusing yourself.  Get out of your thoughts and throw yourself into the activities.

Worked for Teddy and Eleanor Roosevelt.  Worked for Winston Churchill.  Worked for hundreds of thousands more.

Laurel Keyes: “When all seems hopeless, polish your shoes, do something nice for someone else, do something nice for yourself.”  Keep doing.

Will it work 100% of the time? Maybe not.  Can it work for you?  Give it an adequate test; say, 30 years, and then report back.

The best way to create the life your spirit hungers for is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read the self-bullying section of my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Parenting tips: Don’t over-react

Did you ever look at your 4-12 year-old child and think: “He’ll be lazy or sloppy forever, he’ll never get a job, he’ll be financially dependent on me as long as I live, I’ll have him living with me forever.”  If you did (like I sometimes did) you probably overreacted to the situation in the moment and came down with everything you had in order to destroy the horrible movie you were playing in your head.  You criticized, harassed, yelled, bullied and abused relentlessly (as I did).

Of course, some of our fears do come out later as true.  But most of them don’t.

Don’t treat today’s problems as if they’re the end of the world and predict disaster forever.  But don’t let them slide by because you’re in wishful-thinking mode.

Some parenting tests:

1. If the kids are getting into trouble with the police or you think they’re really crazy or they’re involved heavily in drugs, alcohol, danger, rage and suicidal thinking, you’d better do something more than wishful thinking.  Since the problem is probably not ignorance of bad possibilities, the answer is probably not loud lecturing.  See case study #6 (“Teenagers most important decision”) in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  It’s available fastest from my website.
2. But for all the rest – not doing chores, or not interested in school, not thinking academically, laying around, spending all their time in athletics or on screens and video games, doing poorly on a test or in one subject, not following in the footsteps you’ve laid out as the Right way – don’t overreact.  Calm down and deal with it as serious, but not the end of the world.

In the second set of examples, I begin by trying to find solutions that don’t label the child as having something innately wrong with them (like overreactions and visits to a shrink will label them).  Instead, help them see the problem as a challenge and skill that’s difficult for that particular kid to learn.

We all have those areas that are more difficult for us.  So what?  That simply means we have to work harder in that area.  That doesn’t mean we’re retarded or defective or evil or guaranteed to fail (or, at least, guaranteed not to get into Harvard and, therefore, guaranteed to fail).

Don’t lose it.  Don’t make war with your spouse over the best way to proceed.  If you split apart, you’ll never help the child.

Help the kids find models of great people who overcame similar difficulties.  Connect them with a sense of inner determination, courage and strength.

If these first approaches don’t work, then we’ll need to move up a response-staircase with guidance.

The best way to learn to solve your specific parenting difficulties is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Are bullying boyfriends "evil?"

Do you have to call a bullying boyfriend “evil” in order to dump him?  Is it wrong to call someone “evil?”

Some typical approaches:

1. After two years, Jeri finally decided that her bullying boyfriend was sneaky, manipulative and controlling – an evil narcissist.  That gave her the strength and determination to get away from him, no matter how much he protested that he loved her.  His problem was in how he loved her.
2. After two years, Suzie hated the way her boyfriend criticized, yelled and abused her.  But she remembered a few times when he was sorry and tried to be nice for a while in order to make it up to her.  She couldn’t bring herself to call him “evil” so she thought she couldn’t give up and leave him.

Jeri needed to think of someone as evil in order to have the strength to dump him.

On the other hand, Suzie wouldn’t let herself leave if she thought there was any good in her boyfriend.  She thought she couldn’t dump him unless he was proven to be irredeemably evil, but she wouldn’t want to be so judgmental.

The solution:

1. Avoid the whole issue of whether the person is evil or not.  Simply decide what behavior you will allow in your personal space.  Then, allow people in or keep them out based on their actions – not on their excuses or justifications or inner struggles; not on your compassion or your desire to help them or fix them.
2. Learn to recognize early warning signs of bullies and act firmly and effectively depending on the situation.
3. Do whatever you need to give yourself the motivation, determination, strength and courage to get bullies out of your space.  Jeri needed to label him as “a bully” or “evil” in order to act.  Suzie situation was just the opposite.  While she needed to label him as evil in order to act, she had too kind a heart to judge someone’s identity so strongly and permanently.  The solution for her was not to judge his identity but to evaluate his personality – based on his actions – and decide to clear her personal space of a predator.
4. It’s not about a person being good or bad.  You don’t have to judge their identity.  It’s about what behavior do you want in your space.  If he behaves the way you want, he can stay.  If not, he has to go.  Then you have space to welcome a boyfriend who treats you better.

Simple.  Clear.  Not necessarily easy.

The best way to learn to recognize the early warning signs of bullies and to clear your personal space is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult children throwing temper tantrums

Just like he had when he was 6, Julie’s 35 year-old son still tried to force her to do what he wanted by:

1. Beating her into submission with rage, tirades and vicious verbal attacks that stimulated her guilt.
2. Looking so hurt and crushed that she felt sorry for him.  She felt compelled to rush over, tell him she loved him, kiss the boo-boo and give him whatever he wanted.
3. Giving her the very loud, silent treatment until she capitulated.

She was so exhausted and depressed by his endless selfishness and relentless criticism, she gave him a deadline to move out at the end of the month.  There was nothing physically, mentally or emotionally wrong with him except that he still wanted to be taken care of and get his way about everything like a spoiled little boy.  He’d been living off her and much too close for too long.  She wanted her own space and her own life – peace and quiet at last.

But she was tormented by:

• Guilt (”Mothers love and take care of their sons forever”).
• Fear (“What if he failed on his own or wouldn’t let her see her grandchildren after he married and had kids).
• Shame (How would her friends judge her; maybe as a mother who’d failed).

Finally, she was so tired of the endless negativity, harassment, bullying and abuse that she’d had enough.

She found the key to success in standing up to him was to let go of the responsibility for making him happy and for making his life work.  The only way for him to stop being a little child was for her to stop being the mommy who protected his feelings and made his life work.

Some of the attitudes and tactics that helped her were:

• She never justified, debated or argued about her reasons for setting the deadline.  She simply said she wanted it that way.
• Her spirit soared when she started mocking him, with a loving tone, when he acted like a little boy.  She kept smiling as she said, sweetly, “Stop throwing a temper tantrum” or “Stop throwing a hissy-fit.”  And then she calmly asked him if he needed a “time-out” in his room or she walked away.  Those childhood words made her point.
• When he broke his silent treatment in order to criticize her, she laughingly reminded him that he was giving her the silent treatment.
• Her gentle mockery became a challenge to her son.  And she also used those words, “I’m challenging you to act like an adult.  I know it’s hard for you to grow up, but it’s time.  You’re a guest in my house.  Act like a good guest for your last days here and maybe I’ll invite you to dinner sometime.”  Also, she said she’d like a loving, adult relationship with him, not a “mommy with a little boy” relationship.
• She never to asked him about his plans or reminded him of the looming deadline.  He’d only interpret that as weakness on her part.  She had to follow through even if he had nowhere to go; no extensions.  And she had to convert his room immediately into something else so the message was clear.
• She told him repeatedly she knew he could do it.  He’d faced and overcome many challenges before and this was simply another one.

Her good cheer in the face of his childish attempts to force her into submission showed him his old, childish tactics were no longer effective.  Previously, he’d been the one who persevered longer, but now she had more tenacity and determination.

Her friends congratulated her for finally throwing him out, like they wished they’d done earlier with their children.  The child had to be kicked out of the nest in order to learn to fly.

The best way to create a space that uplifts your spirit is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Empty nest: What next together?

The big question and fear in middle age is age and stage appropriate.  The kids are grown and leaving, for better or worse.  You’ve completed this part of your life.  The time for change has come again.

So, what next?  What do we want to do – together or alone?  Don’t decide in the confines of your own mind.  Dialogue together over time.

The first stage of your life was “student.”  You grew up, went to school and prepared for adult life.  For better or worse.

The second stage was “householder.”  You got a job or career, got married and raised kids.  For better or worse.

Now life rolls you into the third stage, ready or not.  The kids leave or you throw them out.  You’re no longer needed as the mommy or daddy who’s responsible for everything they do or for protecting them from the pitfalls of life or who’s necessary to teach them how to make good choices and to succeed.  In fact, you probably realize that there are some lessons they simply won’t learn from you.  They’ll have to learn them the hard way – from life.

You’ll always be their mother or father, but you don’t need to be on call whenever they sneeze.  What does an adult relationship with them look like – day-by-day, week-by-week?

So what do you do with your partner/spouse for the next 40 years?  You know each other well in the old roles.  You both know how to say the wrong thing, you know how to make the crushing put-down, you know how to start a fight.  You know each other’s tendencies, hopes, fears and struggles.  You know what’s easy and seems to come naturally, and you know what’s really difficult.

You can fill your time with the old mommy/daddy roles or pressure them to have grandchildren so you can slide back into comfortable roles giving and caring.  But maybe it’s time to step back and ask, “What have we each been hungering for all these years?  What does my spirit want me to develop?  What do we want to do together?  What do we want to do apart?  How to we make this happen in a loving way?”

If there’s any love left between you, start courting again.  Remember, you used to be excited to see each other, you used to bring interesting things to each other, you used to suck it up and be cheerful no matter what was happening, you used to be polite.  Start doing these alluring things again.

Hold hands while you have the important, deep and sensitive conversations.  Start talking without having a fight over who’s more reasonable or right.  Remember, you once got together because it was fun.  How can you have fun now?  Have a date.  Have two.  Do one each week.

Even if the together part is only 25% at first, start there and see where you want to go.  Explore, one step at a time.  Don’t think 40 years ahead.  Think 3-5 at most.  Think of ice cream and walks.  Plan as interested and encouraging friends.

On the other hand, if you’re way beyond hate, figure out how to go your separate ways without proving who’s right.  Negativity, criticism, righteousness, blame, shame, guilt, harassment, bullying and abuse are not going to help you or the kids – no matter how tempting.

Age and state appropriate development again, just when you thought you had it all figured out and nothing would change for the next 40 years.  For better or worse.

The best way to plan for a rewarding rest of your life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Righteous narcissists know what's right

Who gets to vote on what you want and what you should do?  Who gets to tell you what’s right or best for you?  Who do you listen to?

Shelly analyzed every decision with her family and friends.  Then many of them told her what she should do.  She felt compelled to share her thoughts with them.  After all, how would she know what’s best if she didn’t hear all their opinions?  Some of them even got angry when she didn’t follow their advice.  Others were furious that she didn’t follow the scripture they thought was definitive.  All of them thought they had authority over her and she should follow it.

Shelly eventually realized she was spending her whole life explaining and analyzing her motives, and trying to find a decision that would satisfy all of them.  But she could think of the many decisions that went wrong trying to satisfy everyone.  She knew that approach destroyed her confidence and self-esteem.  What a waste.

Shelly realized there’s a difference between:

• Asking what other people would do in the same situation.  And understanding that they might have very different values, standards, hopes and fears than she did.
• Getting an expert opinion in an area where that’s valuable and also getting a second opinion.  But she wouldn’t ask her car mechanic about his recommendation for clothes or for her love life.
• Asking other people what’s Right or Best.
• Exploring possible consequences with people before she decided.  That’s called “getting information.”
• Being in charge of her life; living her life the way she wanted based on what she decided she wanted to try.

Narcissists and the righteous always know what’s Right and Best for you.  And you’d better do it or else.  They’re abusive bullies.  They’ll criticize and harass you until you do what they want.

Shelly decided she must stop trying figure out what was Right or Best in every situation.  There wasn’t a Right or Best for most of the decisions she wanted to make.  The future was not certain and all those decisions were actually being made in the face of the unknown.  She realized all the questions were really about which paths she wanted to try and which risks she wanted to take.

She also decided she was wasting her time analyzing everything in public.  She saw her days and weeks had been spent with her friends and family analyzing every detail; even endlessly and fruitlessly reviewing events that had happened decades ago.  She felt she was spending all her time like people watching TV shows about celebrities or the ones where people yell and attack each other because they won’t do what they want them to do.  What a waste.

Shelly responded to an inner call to create a new culture for herself.  She loved the statement made by Cora in the movie, “Last of the Mohicans.”  Cora says, “The decision I have come to is that I would rather make the gravest of mistakes than surrender my own judgment.”  Cora will follow her own judgment, not the other people’s.  She will not let the “experts” rule her life.

Shelly also decided to follow her heart and spirit.  She developed the courage to resist the righteous and narcissistic ones of her friends and family.  Actually she stopped talking with them about what she was thinking; no matter how much they tried to pry.  And she didn’t give them the right to vote on her life.

The best way to learn how to create the life and space you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Blood or behavior: which matters most?

Jerry’s family was so mean to him that he wanted to live thousands of miles away and have a secret identity so they could never find him.

Jerry couldn’t understand why they did what they did.  His parents would yell at him and at each other.  They’d make promises to him and then deny them.  They’d say they loved him and then they’d be relentlessly negative and critical.  The nicer he was, the meaner they became.

His brothers and sisters were manipulative and stirred up fights.  Everyone had secrets and trapped Jerry in the middle of the weird games they played.

Jerry always tried to reason with them but logic never helped.  They’d get angry and explode, or they’d get hurt feelings, cry and sucker Jerry into trying to make them feel good. They always had reasons and excuses for why they were so mean.  It was never their fault; someone else was always to blame for how nasty they were.

How can parents and family not care about you?
Jerry and his wife were at their wit’s end.  They couldn’t understand why his family was so mean.  They thought if they could understand, they could do something to make peace.  But nothing they did managed to change his family’s behavior.

They finally concluded that Jerry’s family members cared only about the feelings they had right at the moment.  They didn’t cared about acting consistency or keeping their words or about Jerry or about any standards of polite, kind, civilized behavior.  Jerry and his wife felt their flesh was being torn by hyenas.

On the other hand, Jerry and his wife had great friends.  They had fun with them and if there were any problems, they were handled above board and with no manipulation, lying, bullying or abuse.

“Family takes care of family no matter what.  Family comes first, no matter how rotten they are or how you feel.”
That was the rule Jerry had been raised under.  As long as Jerry kept that rule, he’d be at the mercy of his bullying family.  Jerry and his wife wanted to turn their backs on his family but he was stuck emotionally.

It would be a huge transition, turning away from a culture that had lasted thousands of years in order to turn toward the new way of being Jerry wanted.  He’d be pitting his personal vision against the many voices trying to drive or drag him back to the old ways.  He would have to be brave, determined and strong.  He’d have to become the hero of his own life.

“Good behavior counts more than bad blood.”
That was the rule Jerry wanted for the rest of his life.  He would never let anyone, even relatives, who behaved badly close to his family.  When his children were old enough to see what was going on and to see how Jerry’s family tormented their parents, Jerry finally had to confront, as an adult, his old family rule.  Did he want to spend his life stuck with the old rule or did he want to choose to live the rest of his life with his new rule?

Jerry decided his most important values were

• Setting the best example for his children about what environment to create for them.
• Protecting and defending his family from people, including his parents and relatives, who he saw as crazy or savages.

He would stake out his own way against the old ways.  Jerry’s wife was thrilled.  Since the problem was Jerry’s family, she felt she had to wait for him to act.  She didn’t want to be the lightning rod for his family’s attacks by putting Jerry in the middle.  She’d stand with him but he had to be willing to stand up first.

This decision opened Jerry and his wife’s hearts toward each other and ended the fights between them.  Now they had to figure out how to do it; how to disentangle themselves from all the tentacles that had been strangling them.  Simple and clear but not easy.

The best way to learn how to create the life and space you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't be a victim of experts

Sherry always wanted to do the right thing, to always be fair.  So she avidly followed the latest, supposedly-scientific research studies and the latest experts.  She asked everyone she knew for their opinions and even consulted psychics.

The result was that she never had any consistency; she was constantly changing direction.  She also felt duped when the latest study and the latest expert advice didn’t work or when her life and children were different from the normal people in the studies.

Mostly, Sherry felt scared and panicked.  She felt that disaster was just around the corner if she didn’t get everything just right.  She was riddled with negativity self-doubt, and had no self-esteem or confidence in her own judgment.  She hardly even knew her own judgment.  She had turned into a self-bully.

Sherry was a victim of experts.

Experts are all around us.  They want you to listen and they want you to believe that the latest studies give the right answers.  They want you to believe that you can’t figure things out yourself.

Don’t be a victim of supposedly-scientific studies and of experts.

Find someone who puts you in touch with your own experience, observations and accurate intuition.  Find someone who connects you with your strength, courage and determination.

The best way to learn how to stop being a victim of experts and supposedly-scientific studies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't be a victim of psychoanalysis

June knew why she did all the things she did.  She’d been in analysis for 60 years and she could explain in excruciating detail what had happened so long ago that caused her to treat her husband and children the way she did.

She was mean, nasty and vindictive.  Verbally and emotionally, she was bullying and abusive. She was manipulative and controlling.  She would be sneaky and guilt-tripping to get her way or she would simply beat everyone into submission.   She was negative and disparaged them relentlessly.  They were worthless and she could show them why they would fail.

The only problem was that June never changed.  All that analysis, all those details, all the understanding, all those cause --> effect conclusions, all those brilliant explanations and insights, all that cathartic weeping and wailing never changed her behavior.

June insisted that if she simply knew more, understood more and went deeper, then she’d reach the bottom of her analysis and be cured.  Then she’d suddenly behave better.

Finally, June’s family gave up.  They got tired of explanations, reasons and excuses.  They got tired of being blamed to triggering her patterns.  They got tired of repeated apologies and broken promises.  They saw that what she said was merely justifications.  They stopped caring about why she bullied them and simply wanted her to stop.  They simply got tired of waiting for a miracle.  They left.

June was a victim of psychoanalysis.

June clung to the idea that if she knew more, understood more, got to the bottom of her motivations, then she’d instantly become cured and would behave like the loving wife and mother she said was her goal.  She clung to the idea that she didn’t have to change until she’d analyzed and understood everything.

She refused to accept that it doesn’t work that way.  All her answers to “why” questions didn’t change her behavior.  And she lost what she said was most important to her.  But evidently not.  What she kept were her old patterns and viciousness; her old analysis and reasons; her old way of thinking and acting.  Those were her “precious.”

The best way to learn how to stop being a victim of psychoanalysis or to stop someone who is, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Being nice is not enough

Being nice is a wonderful trait but it’s not enough to survive and thrive in the real world.

Jane’s mother always said that being nice and being liked was the most important thing.  But by the time Jane was 30, she had a negative, controlling, abusive husband, a bullying boss and coworkers who were slackers and harassed her if she didn’t do most of their work.

One day she woke up with two startling thoughts:

• Maybe the problem wasn’t that she wasn’t nice enough to win them over to being nice to her.
• Maybe the problem was that she was being too nice and that being nice wasn’t a good strategy with some people.

That was the beginning of Jane’s development into a successful adult.  She saw that there were two kinds of people:

• Those who followed the Golden Rule and sought peaceful solutions and reconciliation.  These people she could allow into her inner circle and enjoy being with.
• Those who took her kindness as weakness, and who took whatever they wanted from her while making here feel weak, bad, ashamed and guilty.  Even if they were related by blood or marriage, she had to keep these people far away.  If fact, Jane realized that she didn’t want to be liked by those people.  In order to be liked by them, she’d have to give up control of her life and do things that violated her values, ethics or Sense of Self.

Jane’s old strategy to be nice was to avoid issues.  She’d withdraw and hope that when people calmed down they could simply be nice to each other.  She’d been trained by these bullies that if she brought things up, they’d blow, there’d be a confrontation and it was her fault.  She was being trained to be nice, docile and submissive, which was how they wanted her.

Jane now realized that her most important task was to protect and defend her personal space everywhere she went.  She could be nice as long as she was clear and firm when necessary.  This meant many life and people changes for Jane but, despite the difficulties she encountered at first, she loved the results.

Obviously the same ideas apply to stopping bullies of any kind: at school, with domineering friends, toxic parents or toxic adult-children.

There are also all the skills we need to learn in order to thrive: how to learn new things, how to communicate when there’s a problem or hurt feelings, how to make a living, how to do distasteful things that are really important (changing diapers, taking care of sick people, etc.).

The best way to learn how to protect and defend your personal space is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Bullying: TV panel

For National Stop-Bullying Month, Dateline Aurora recorded a panel discussion on how to stop bullying in the community.  Moderated by Wendy Brockman, the panel included me, Bonnie Martinez, Dean of Students at Hinkley High School and Andrea Antico, author of “Buster the Bully.”

The program, to be run multiple times this month, can also be watched at: http://youtu.be/H5Ut1ttqCAk

We discussed how to stop bullies in school, at home and at work, as well as cyberbullying.  The Restorative Justice Program, and overt, sneaky and self-bullying were also mentioned.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Sneaky bullies push our hot buttons

A common tactic of sneaky bullies in relationships and at work is to push our hot buttons.  After we’ve lost it, they can blame everything on us and manipulate us so we do what they want.

Also, kids are really good at pushing their parents’ hot buttons.  Whenever there’s a giant argument, with outrageous threats and punishments, they’ll smile secretly because they know they’ve won – this time or next time.

We all develop hot buttons.
Sneaky bullies are experts at recognizing our hot buttons.  Those are the places we’re really sensitive.  They can sense our fears, our past traumas, our pet peeves, our deepest yearnings.  Just like when we have a big black-and-blue bruise, sneaky bullies push the place really hard but with a perfectly innocent look on their faces.  Then they smile when we explode with pain.  Now they can blame and shame us, guilt-tripping us, sometimes off a subject we want to talk about, into doing what they want us to do or into accepting any punishment they want to dish out.  And it’s our fault because we exploded.

Back out of the melodrama.
Recognize the patterns; who and what pushes your triggers.  Of course, with help you can learn to catch yourself before you explode, but even at the beginning of your transformation, you can catch yourself in mid-fight and step down.  As an adult, you don’t need anger or pain to make your point or to get bullying behavior out of your life.  Don’t accept any consequences from the explosion.  Just start again.  Talk about whatever you wanted to talk about in the beginning.  Make whatever points you wanted to make before your button got pushed.

Keep on track; focus on the subject you want to.
The first subject of the conversation following sneaky bullying is, “Stop pushing my hot buttons or else.”  Laugh at attempts to divert you.  Accept no reasons, excuses or justifications for repeated pushing of hot buttons.  “Only kidding” or “you’re too sensitive,” doesn’t matter.  Your standards rule your personal space.  There must be an “or else” that you’re willing to carry out in order to get sneaky bullies out of your life.

Get rid of your hot buttons.
Ultimately, of course, part of personal development is to get rid of our hot buttons.  Hot buttons might have been good motivation when we were little kids and needed to be loud and out of control in order to get listened to and to protect ourselves.  But they’re not effective now that we’re adults.  We’re big enough now to get what we want and to protect ourselves without the explosions.  We can be firm, strong, brave and persistent without the pain, anger and explosions.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky bullies and to get rid of hot buttons to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullied? Never give up hope!

No matter who’s bullying you, no matter how painful, no matter who won’t listen and help, no matter how hopeless the future seems, no matter how helpless you feel, never give up hope.

Hope keeps our spirits alive, hope keeps us fighting on, hope keeps our spirits strong until, miraculously, we can get free.  Hope is real.

Don’t believe them when they try to take your hope away.  Don’t believe them when they say you’re too dumb or ugly or weak or unlovable to get free and to survive and to thrive.  Don’t believe them when they say it’s your fault; you should feel guilt and shame.  Don’t believe them when they say it’s too hard.  They’re wrong.

Don’t believe yourself when that negative, bullying, abusive voice they tried to plant in your head tells you how bad you are or that you’re too weak to resist.  That voice is trying to protect you from further pain but it’s saying the wrong things.  Uproot that poison ivy.  It’s wrong.

Don’t be crushed.  You can overcome control and putdowns and bullying and abuse.  You can get the money and allies you need.  You can get free.  You can start a new life.  You can create a wonderful life.  Have hope.

You can become a different person.  You can learn to recognize the Early Warning Signs of bullies and stop or avoid them.  You can learn to protect and defend yourself.  You can get help.

History is not destiny.

The best way to create a wonderful life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Are bullies born bad?

I’m often asked if bullies are simply born bad.  Or do they learn to bully and what’s the best way to re-educate them.

With the exception of a very small percent of bullies who are born sociopaths or psychopaths, bullies, generally, are born just like the rest of us.  That is, most of us are born bullies.

Stage 1 – Bullying us into submission.
Babies have to bully parents to get out of bed at two in the morning and, with relatively good grace, feed them and change them.  And during the day, babies have to demand they get what they need immediately.  That kind of narcissism is survival.  And they do it by communicating the only way they can; by harassing and bullying us.  That’s normal human development and behavior.

Our job as good parents is to teach them, as they grow up, to use other methods.  Their criterion for what tactics to use is simply what works best to get them what they want.

Stage 2 – They learn to suck up to us.
We are all born to try many different approaches and to practice and master what works.  Babies need to learn that smiles and touches and coo-ing increase their chances of getting what they want.  We must give them more when they use this approach and give them less when they try beating us into submission.

On the other hand, beating them into submission is simply abuse.

Stage 3 – They learn to manipulate us by our values, reasons and logic.
A wise man, my brother Lee Leichtling, observed that kids learn to push our buttons in many different ways even then they’re infants.  They learn our values and our styles of reasoning, and the battles rage on.

I’ve presented this as if the stages are discrete and separate, and learned in a specific sequence.  But that’s not true.  Each individual kid will try all behaviors and simply keep repeating the ones that work.  Over time, we train them to use the styles that work better on us.

Kids live in a strange world populated by giants they need to train to serve them or they die of neglect.  They don’t know the language, but they do learn rapidly by trial and course-correction.

They learn how to train us.  Our job is to help them train us by giving them more of what they want when they manipulate us in the way we want.  For example, by using the magic words, “please, thank you, you’re welcome.”  And by negotiating and compromising so everyone can have a better time.

If you look at the world this way, things become clear and straightforward, even if they’re not easy.

How to tell if your kid is continuing down a bad path?
Are they still trying to beat you and the rest of the world into submission?  When they’re needy, upset, tired, sick or desperate, what do they do to get what they want?  These scientific observations of each unique kid also tell you what you need to teach – not by lecturing but by behavioral reinforcement with a smile.

What’s the best way to start re-educating bullies?
The first step is always to stop the behavior, whether the bullying is by kids or adults.  Remove the bully, not the target.  Make the bully adjust, not the victim.  Don’t allow the bullying to continue while you attempt to re-educate the perpetrator.

Only when bullying no longer gets rewarded and, in fact, gets consequences or punishments, will bullies be willing to consider learning strategies that don’t include negativity, harassment, bullying and abuse.

The best way to learn how to raise kids who don’t bully is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Opinionated missionaries and zealots don't know best

Everyone was convinced they knew what was best for Amy and they always told her what to do.

Her father controlled her when she was growing up.  Her brother and sisters were certain they were right.  Their negativity restricted her life.  Her husband was a control-freak.  He knew what was best in everything and he criticized her relentlessly.  Eventually, her teenage children also told her she was incompetent and needed to give them what they wanted.  Even her friends gave their opinions in a way that showed they were sure they were right and she was dumb.

Amy hated herself and her life.  She felt harassed, bullied and abused.  She never trusted herself.  Her self-confidence and self-esteem were minimal.  She still had inklings about what she wanted to do and what was best for her but she never trusted herself.  She talked herself out of what she felt.

Some of those people had good intentions, some wanted to straighten her out for her own benefit, and some were simply passing along their fears, while others wanted to control her for their own reasons

How could she disagree with people who were so convinced they were right?
The breakthrough for Amy came when she realized that all those people were simply missionaries.  They didn’t think of themselves that way but their God was their own opinions.  They were zealots or mercenaries for what they though was right.

Their opinions told her about them; their opinions told her nothing about what was right or what was best for her.
Their certainty didn’t make their opinions true.  She’d never believe someone who told her they’d been taken up in a spaceship and had had 24 babies fathered by aliens.  No matter how convinced they were, that didn’t make it true or good or useful for her.

People were merely saying what they thought.  Their opinions told her how they thought, what they were afraid of and what they wanted.  Their opinions weren’t right or best and wouldn’t necessarily make her life better.  Their opinions were 100% about them.

Looking at them as missionaries, zealots or mercenaries for their own opinions helped Amy free herself.  She didn’t even feel guilt when she started going her own way.

The best way to learn how to trust yourself and to create the unique life you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop parenting by relentless negativity, criticism

Suzie wanted the best for her kids.  She knew life would be competitive and dangerous, and she wanted her kids to know the rules they needed to follow in order to succeed and to be accepted by the best schools and the best people.  Consequently, she pointed out every mistake they made and corrected them every time they weren’t perfect.  The result was an endless stream of negativity and criticism.  But she’d never admit she was creating a problem; she was doing it for their own good.

Harry knew he was right in every aspect of life.  Verbally and physically, he was going to beat his kids into the shape he wanted.  They’d better listen or else.  Harry knew he was beating them into submission and he was proud of it.

Even though we might think the motives and styles of Suzie and Harry were different, the results on their poor kids were the same.  Relentless negativity and criticism had their typical effects.

The kids became anxious, terrified of the slightest mistakes and always searched for the rules they could follow to avoid the harassment, bullying and abuse.  They developed hunched shoulders and facial tics. They were afraid of trying new things or going into new situations.  They were crushed by any setbacks or failures.  Every mistake seemed a matter of life and death.  They became experts at self-bullying.  They’d been trained by parents who acted that way.

The kids wanted to be perfect but were psychological messes.  Since they proudly passed on negativity and criticism to their peers when they saw them making mistakes, they became isolated.  No one enjoys being beaten and their friends had a choice to leave.

Sophia, from “Modern Family,” captures a better way: “I’ll be the wind at my son’s back, not the spit in his face.”

The best way to learn how to parent effectively is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult children: 'Love' can be a trap

Sylvia’s daughter is simply rotten to her and her husband.  The girl is a 39 year-old woman but she still acts like a child.  She demands everything she wants, yells at Sylvia, blames all her problems on Sylvia, is never grateful for anything they give her, curses them and has even stolen money from Sylvia’s purse.

She comes by with no notice to drop her 3 year-old daughter on Sylvia, with no idea about how long she’ll need help.  If Sylvia objects, her daughter yells that Sylvia doesn’t love her granddaughter and will never see her again.  Sylvia loves her granddaughter but also likes to plan her time.

Sylvia’s daughter says if they love her they’ll always pay for what she needs, take care of her daughter whenever she needs, agree with her and support her decisions.
She’s always testing whether they love her enough.

Sylvia is fed up and wants to stop the negativity, abuse and bullying but Sylvia’s husband can’t bring himself to take any action.  He begs his daughter to listen but he always gives in when she doesn’t.  She’s his little girl and he’s responsible for making her happy.  He’s clear, “How can I say “No,’ when I love her?”

That’s the problem for Sylvia and her husband.  He thinks that love means giving his baby girl everything she wants to make her happy.  As long as he believes that, he’ll never change their dance of death.  And Sylvia will be forced to choose between giving up her life, fighting him to the death or divorcing him.

As long as we have to be the mommy or daddy who bails them out and is responsible for their happiness, they have to be the little children.
Which means they have to rebel and argue and make our lives miserable.  Which also means they can remain narcissistic, entitled, dependent, surly teenagers for the rest of their lives.

The more we do for them, the more they’ll blame us for everything, including finally kicking them out of the nest.
I’ve never seen the tactics used by Sylvia’s husband change these weak, narcissistic children.

Sylvia’s husband had to learn a more effective expression of “love.” And an updated version of his role as father to a woman who is almost 40.

When he learned that being a father meant he had to show her the effects of her child-like temper tantrums, had to set high behavioral standards fitting a grownup, had to make her pay the price of her actions, he and Sylvia were able to protect their lives from their toxic adult child.

He turned everything around when he insisted the he was now testing the woman his beloved, little girl had become.
It was now her job to make them happy if she wanted anything from them.

The best way to learn how to love effectively is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.