Melanie’s parents never beat her physically but they got her to do what they wanted by blackmail. Melanie always paid a high price for anything they did for her. And they always claimed they were generous and wonderful, not blackmailing, manipulative or nasty.
This is only one way toxic parents control their children – and it’s a mild one unless you’re living in it.
In high school, in return for their buying books and clothes for her, Melanie had to wait on them, go where they wanted, act like they wanted and date who they wanted. In college, in return for a small but necessary contribution toward tuition, room, board and books, she had to come home when they wanted, do everything they wanted when she was there and, again, date who they wanted. She also had to give them passwords to her phone, email and social networks.
Melanie always felt forced and bullied; she didn’t see any other way of going to school. She could never get them to give without strings.
They seemed to enjoy lecturing, arguing and yelling at her. They ignored any boundaries she tried to establish.
After she graduated, it was the same story only worse. They’d help her get started but only if she listened to long lectures and jumped according to their time table. Again, Melanie didn’t see any alternative. In order to live the way she wanted, Melanie had to dance to their tune. They held the purse strings.
Melanie resisted but finally saw the solution. She gave up trying to reason with her parents in order to get them to help her without strings. She gave up thinking she needed to get what she wanted immediately. She gave up feeling needy and dependent.
She became determined to get what she wanted through her own efforts, even if that took a long time.
The result was that Melanie’s parents no longer had any hold over her. Melanie was now in control of her own boundaries. She no longer had to account for her tastes or actions. She became independent of their manipulation and blackmail. She freed herself from their strings. She moved far away and created the life she’d always wanted.
Of course it wasn’t easy. But it was clear, simple and straightforward.
The best way to stop bullying by toxic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.