In this series of articles I’m going to talk to and about good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged. A totally different situation is the good, adult children who need to get far away from narcissistic, toxic, controlling parents.
We feel crushed and heart-broken, the cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.
And they’ll change their demands in an instant. We walk on eggshells so we don’t upset them. But no matter what we do: we’re condemned if we do, we’re condemned if we don’t. They always find a way to (mis)interpret our thoughts, words and deeds so they become enraged. And then they attack us more.
They twist the knife of embarrassment, shame and guilt. They delight in saying they hate us or they wish we were dead.
This isn’t what we hoped and dreamed about. It’s so unfair. And it’s not right. Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”
Will the pain ever end? No and yes.
No, the pain never ends; just as it would never end if they’d been killed in a freak accident. Only this is much worse because it never ends. They’re always willing to stab us again.
Yes, if we do it right the pain will diminish until we’re able to talk about them without aching. Yes, the pain will diminish and we’ll start laughing again, we’ll cry with happiness again, we’ll have more and longer times of pleasure and joy without thinking about them, they’ll become less important in our lives.
That may sound weird but it’s been true for thousands of other people who also loved their children and cherish their grandchildren.
Getting past the pain is a process. There are as many processes as there are people in pain, but we can help speed up the process and the heart-damage. The goal is always the same. Creating a wonderful, rich and full life; no matter what. And our lingering hope that we can be reconciled.
Stop thinking, “I’m estranged from my son/daughter.”
Start thinking, “My beloved and wonderful son/daughter has been taken over by a narcissistic, toxic alien and I hate being around him/her.”
That wonderful child you held, that potential you hoped and prayed for has been replaced by a cruel, vicious, bullying, abusive alien. Or maybe they were always selfish, greedy and demanding, and you couldn’t rescue or save them from themselves.
Start thinking, “I’m giving my toxic son/daughter a time out until they behave better.”
Start calling them, “My TOC/TOD,” because they're in "time out!"
The old way of thinking triggers pain and grief. The new way reminds you what you’re dealing with and what you want to push away from. If only you knew how. And had the strength, courage and determination.
As Judy Collins said about her son, “Some things, you never get over them, but you can get through them.”
To connect with a thousand people in the same situation, go to the Facebook group, "Parents Healing From Estrangement."
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.