Julia had always lived in fear of what her now-adult son would do. And he’d married a woman who despised Julia and wanted him to do the worst Julia could imagine; deprive her of her closest grandchildren.
At first, Julia blamed the wife. She was an abusive, controlling narcissist. And she never let up. She was always offended by whatever Julia did. She condemned Julia if she did something and condemned her if Julia didn’t do what she wanted. Julia could never win.
Bullies, narcissists want you living in fear.
Then, Julia remembered her son had always been that way. When he was a child, if he didn’t get his way, he throw fits in public. She never knew what he’d do and she lived in fear that the neighbors or anyone who heard him would think she was a horrible mother. He lied about her with a smiling face. He seemed to enjoy bullying and tormenting her. Since making her submit was a game he could win, he never gave up. The older he got, the worse he got.
Her other adult children were kind and caring but this son had gotten worse as he grew older. She was afraid to disagree with him because of his overt and sneaky retaliation. He said she was always wrong and guilty for offending him; she always deserved punishment. She realized he’d gotten worse as he became older, not for any psychological reasons, but simply because he became more independent and powerful. There was nothing she could do. He’d convinced her resistance was futile.
Your rules can’t contain or limit bullies, narcissists in any way.
Julia realized his wrath and retaliation knew no bounds or limits. He had no code of ethics or morals toward her. He’d lie, manipulate and turn everyone against her without a conscience. Her reasoning, kindness and compromise toward him did not get her the same in return. He saw that as weakness and an opportunity to make her suffer even more. He was like a poison, killer virus in her life.
He reminded Julia of her father. She’d always been afraid. If she’d resisted, he’d have destroyed her physically, emotionally and psychologically. Of course, when she was a child she was helpless. All she could do was worry and obsess on what he’d do next, whenever he felt like it.
Julia decided to fight back, no matter the cost.
In the middle of her worst depression, something snapped inside of her. She found her courage. Even though that son seemed to have all the power, she determined to fight him to the death. Better to lose fighting than to give up and accept slavery. She knew that would probably mean driving a wedge between her other children and that son, and not seeing those beloved grandchildren until they were adults. But they were already being poisoned against her.
She told that son she was not accepting any guilt for his or his wife’s anger. They were raging, bullying narcissists. It was not her fault that his wife was offended by Julia. It was the wife’s fault for blowing up over nothing and seeking retaliation, not reconciliation. For the rest of her life, she was going to have a wonderful time with the family who loved her. If he had problems with that, tough for him.
She started a very public estranged/alienated grandparents group, she posted on social media all the fun trips she took and the interesting people she met, and she arranged many events with the other children and grandchildren. He retaliated as she expected.
She still had two bits of leverage. She rallied the people in her family who disliked what he was doing. They cut him off. She removed him from her will and trusts, and told him they were getting nothing. At first she felt horrible and guilty. But when he came crawling because she had some leverage, she felt powerful. She told him he’d have to earn his way back into her good graces slowly, over time. While he did this, she knew he hadn’t really changed. As his career progressed and he got richer, she’d lose power over him and he’d revert.
But she’d always have power over herself. That was the best feeling. For the first time, she felt authentic.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.