When narcissists and relentless bullies say, “You have to ‘accept’ me as I am. Nobody’s perfect. You aren’t either,” they mean something very different then you do when they use the word, “accept.”
Ina’s husband and one adult son were bullying, abusive narcissists. They were critical, angry, explosive and vicious, but in different ways. Sometimes they relaxed their control and battering by saying a few kind, caring words. But as soon as Ina relaxed, they reverted to the same old torment and torture.
They both said Ina had to accept them as they were.
What bullies and narcissists mean when they say, “You have to accept me as I am.”
Ina’s husband and adult son wanted to convince her that “accept” meant she should do what they wanted; she should serve them, tolerate their abuse, rise above pain and anger, and there should be no consequences.
Some imperfections are much worse than others.
An obvious example: The imperfections of mass murdering, school shooters are much worse than when Ina got angry because she’d been provoked repeatedly by her critical, negative husband and adult son. Bullies and narcissists want to focus on your imperfection of being angry instead of their hostility and verbal torment. Their treatment of Ina was much worse than her getting angry in order to motivate herself to stop their bullying and abuse.
Was Ina too sensitive?
Of course, they claimed they were justified in their behavior because Ina had not obeyed them by giving them what they wanted. And she was too sensitive. However, Ina knew how much they’d hurt her. She needed to get past the idea there was a “normal” or perfect standard of behavior she had to live up to before they had to change their behavior. Instead, she had to give up her guilt and stand on her own standards of how she wanted to be treated and what she wouldn’t put up with.
How can Ina prove she’s right?
To relentless bullies and narcissists, Ina will never be able to prove herself. They lose their advantage if they accept her standards and requests. Ina had to stop explaining and justifying herself. She needed to accept her standards and live according to them, whether her husband and adult son accepted that or not.
What Ina meant by the word, “accept.”
After a journey to find her Core, her Center, the place in her where she felt Whole, Ina knew what to say to them. “I love the potential I see in both of you. I love your Spirits but I can’t stand your personalities. I also accept that you’ll continue being and acting the way you have until a miracle occurs. You can keep acting the way you do and I’ll remove you both from my life. I won’t be controlled, used and beaten. I’m not a slave; I’m not Cinderella.”
Ina meant, “You have a choice. Treat me wonderful or continue acting the way you have; which means you can stay or be gone. Your choice.”
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.