Patty thought her husband would be thrilled when she wanted to leave the long-dead marriage, but she was wrong. She thought that since the children had moved away he’d be glad to be free from the responsibilities she’d tried to force on him, but she was wrong.
The 30 year marriage had been torture to her.
He was negative, critical, bullying, narcissistic, abusive and toxic. Eventually, he admitted the truth she hadn’t wanted to face the whole time. He never wanted love or a partnership or an in-depth, intimate relationship; he just wanted someone who’d take care of him. He’d never wanted the responsibilities of being a friend, confidante, provider or father. That’s why he never provided money, effort, consideration or caring for her or the children. He did exactly what he wanted at any moment and absolutely nothing more. She’d always made the money and been completely responsible for the house, home and parenting.
He thwarted every effort she made to have fun with him and the children. When she told him what she didn’t like, he told her it was her problem; he wouldn’t change and wouldn’t talk about it. When forced sex hurt her, he said women were supposed to suffer; it wasn’t his problem.
Even though he didn’t like her or the marriage, he wouldn’t let her go.
When she said she didn’t want to be his suffering servant any more, he was furious. He told her he’d ruin her reputation in the small town and the Church they went to. He started spreading rumors that she was unfaithful, wouldn’t cook for him and yelled at him all the time. He started running up big bills on their joint credit cards, which she was going to be responsible for. He told her if she saw a lawyer or got divorce papers, he’d take every penny out of their joint account. He told her he’d harass her forever; he’d consume the rest of her life.
Bullies and narcissists won’t let you go easily even if they’ve been abusive and brutal physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
They won’t let you go even if they have someone on the side, even if they’re glad to move on to other prey, even if they’re the ones to initiate the break. Once they’ve experienced the thrill and pleasure of torturing you, they want to keep enjoying your pain. They act like jealous gods: no matter what, you’re supposed to keep adoring and worshipping them, you’re supposed to sacrifice everything to serve them. How dare you not have them at the center of your life!
Patty realized he wasn’t unfeeling or emotionally defective; he was mean, nasty and vicious.
All along, he knew exactly what he was doing and how to make her life miserable. Through the years, he’d said his behavior was her fault and if she wanted a good relationship, she had to be more loving, and submissive, and try harder. But he finally admitted, she’d never be able to give or do enough to get loving care in return. He wasn’t going to change; she’d taken his name so she was his property.
She realized he loved the thrill, the pleasure of getting her hopes up and then trampling on her feelings. He enjoyed her frustration and pain. He enjoyed total control over her.
Patty found her Center; she became determined – fierce and powerful.
She decided she was done. She’d face her fears of him attacking her, of her being isolated and alone, of her having to leave town in order to find people who would befriend her. Her determination and resolve was the key to her enduring his anger and retaliation.
She saw a lawyer in secret. Over time, she got separate credit cards and bank accounts for them. She put her name on all the utility accounts so she’d have a credit history. She found an apartment. Then she presented him with filed papers and froze all the accounts.
She realized she was fighting for her future; her future as an individual human being, not a submissive servant. She got help to get past her distaste for conflict. She got help to keep her courage, determination and Spirit strong. She learned how to fight skillfully. She became the strongest and calmest version of herself that she could become. She got free.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.