Stella (fictitious name) realized she was trapped in the Matrix of her old life – her old rules, beliefs, roles, values and even the old vows she’d taken when she was a little girl. She felt caught in a spider’s web and the more she struggled, the more trapped she felt.
Stella’s oldest daughter chose to be an entitled, selfish, bullying narcissist.
When Stella stopped giving her oldest daughter everything she wanted after she graduated from college, the girl turned on her both in person and online. In front of friends and family, she’d say what a horrible mother Stella had always been, how she felt rejected and abandoned when Stella wouldn’t give what she wanted, how her life had been ruined because Stella was cruel and unloving. She was constantly negative, critical, cruel and abusive. She made up lies about Stella. When Stella tried to use facts and logic to rebut her daughter’s claims, she threw hysterical fits.
Then she started brainwashing her younger sister. She twisted everything Stella had ever said in order to turn her sister against Stella.
The Matrix Stella accepted from her old life kept her from responding effectively.
A few of the old rules Stella still accepted were:
* Be a nice girl, rise above, never get angry.
* Never say anything bad about people, even when they hurt you. Always see the best side of someone, forgive their weaknesses, they must have been hurt when they were younger.
* Never say anything to hurt someone’s feelings, never to punish or strike-back, never to be vindictive or retaliate.
* Never make a scene in public.
* It’s my fault if people are angry, if I gave enough, everyone would love me and be nice.
And there were many others.
In addition, Stella’s parents had always fought and had created a life of chaos for their children. Every angry scene meant danger, followed by emotional and physical pain. Negativity, cutting criticism and mental cruelty were continuing. Stella had vowed to make peace and to protect her parents and siblings. She swore to herself that when she grew up, she’d never get in arguments with anyone, especially her children.
Her fallback question was always, “What did I do wrong?” She assumed if she apologized and gave people what they wanted, she’d make peace. She packed shame and guilt into her self-talk.
The old Matrix helped Stella survive childhood but trapped her as an adult.
She realized her old ideas and childhood strategies with her abusive, uncaring parents had helped her survive. If she’d resisted the mental and emotional torture, and the beatings would have been worse.
Her old ideas and vows had not redeemed her bullying, abusive, narcissistic husband from his childhood Matrix. He’d gotten worse every time he’d made her give in and accept his verbal and physical attacks.
Despite all Stella’s attempts to teach her daughter differently, she now accepted that her daughter had repeated the same pattern as her father. Her daughter had not chosen to follow Stella’s examples. Her daughter found it easier to be a righteous hater than to be an open, caring, loving person. Instead she lived in her own Matrix that justified her trying to ruin her mother’s life.
In grief and desperation to save herself, Stella wrenched herself from her old Matrix.
The exercise she did put her squarely in a new, effective set of ideas, beliefs, rules and attitudes, developed from her experience and adult wisdom. She was no longer controlled and held back by old, ineffective rules. Step-by-step she destroyed the spider’s web that had enmeshed her as a victim.
She became excited to tell the truth about her daughter to the rest of the family. She found ways to characterize her daughter that stayed in everyone else’s minds. She found ways to block her daughter’s attempts to beat her into submission and to isolate her from her other child and much of her family. She became free to become the person she’d always wanted to be.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.