Tina (fictitious name) grew up with a mother who never took care of her or her siblings. Tina stepped up at five years-old and became the caretaker. Her mother was negative and critical of Tina’s efforts, no matter how competent Tina became. Tina vowed she’d do better for her children. She’d love them unconditionally, which meant she’d never let them feel the stress and pain she’d felt.
Tina succeeded. She became “The Good Mom.” She made them the center of her life. She gave her children everything, all the time. Tina wasn’t going to let them suffer like she had.
As they grew up, her children chose to follow the path of their do-nothing, manipulative, lazy, always-have-excuses father, Tina’s ex-husband. They became selfish, entitled, greedy, bullying, narcissistic adults who were toxic to Tina. They never contacted her, she wasn’t allowed to see her grandchildren, she was excluded from any holidays or celebration (even Mother’s day). They ran to her when they needed and threw her away after they’d gotten what they wanted. When they got together, usually with their father who still gave nothing, the “cult” criticized everything Tina did; she was never good enough.
Tina thought she had to love her adult children more; to love them unconditionally.
The unconditional love her bullying, abusive, narcissistic, toxic adult children demanded from Tina meant she had to give them everything they wanted, she had to them happy and she had to gladly accept the verbal abuse they heaped on her. No matter how angry she got, she had to keep her vow. She had to forgive them. When they dangled a carrot in order to get what they wanted, she’d jump in hopes they’d finally changed. But they were simply like Lucy, whipping the football away and letting Charlie Brown land hard on his back.
Tina finally realized she was hurting her adult children by instantly relieving their stress and making them happy.
Even though they’d chosen the easy and selfish way themselves, she’d participated by not allowing them to struggle for success. She’d participated in keeping them petulant, incompetent and spoiled. Her guilt helped Tina remember to do the opposite of what she’d always done.
Not only was she hurting them, she was hurting herself.
Her original, childhood vow hadn’t included herself. One-way, unconditional love meant she’d always be the victim, the martyr. That was not the life she wanted.
Tina forgave herself and stopped enabling and rescuing them.
The vow she’d taken as a child was the best a good and strong little girl could think of. And it helped make her competent and caring. She’d also hoped her unconditional love would earn her love in return but it hadn’t. Now she vowed to take care of herself.
She decided not to make a big proclamation to her children. She simply stopped rushing in to solve their problems. She sympathized with their stress and pain but she didn’t fix it. Not only that, she stopped giving them advice and resources. She told them she knew they were smart enough to figure out what they needed. She’d cheer from the sidelines.
Her children didn’t like not being rescued.
At first they tried even harder to beat Tina into submission. Next they pulled the cult together more tightly to exclude her. Tina missed her grandchildren but she stayed firm and happy enjoying her new life. So when that didn’t get her adult children what they wanted, a few defected and started to treat Tina nicely in hopes of getting what they wanted.
The big shock to them was when Tina stopped jumping for the carrots they dangled. She was glad to reciprocate nice, polite interactions but she stopped offering advice and solving their problems. The best thing for them and her would be to let them experience and deal with the realities, the ups and downs of life.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.