Alice (fictitious name) was stunned when her bullying, narcissistic, toxic, adult daughter proudly announced that she knew what Alice was thinking and feeling because she was an empath. Since her daughter was little, she’d never showed an ounce of kindness, caring or compassion for anyone but herself. She was mean, cruel, manipulative and abusive to anyone who disagreed with her or refused to do what she wanted.
Alice obsessed about whether her daughter really believed she was an empath.
Alice finally understood that question only led her to endless analysis of her daughter and to speculation based on what opposing experts thought. Her daughter still consumed Alice’s life. It didn’t lead to answers that would help her stop her daughter or to protect herself.
Why is that the wrong question?
You might think that if relentless bullies and narcissists don’t really believe they’re empaths, you can use that self-doubt to convince them they’re really hurting you and that they have no compassion of sympathy. Then they’ll admit they’re not kind or compassionate and change the way they act. But you can’t convince them. Part of the definition of being a relentless bully and a narcissist is that they don’t change.
You might think that if they’re deluded, if they really believe they’re empathic, you’ll be able to prove to them – using their behavior, facts, reality check with others, reasoning, logic – that they’re not kind or compassionate, they’ll be remorseful and change. But you can’t.
Relentless bullies and narcissists want to be worshipped and obeyed, and to get what they want. They may claim they’re caring but they’re not interested in the real well-being of their target, only in getting what they want.
Some relentless bullies and narcissists are overt. They’re right in your face. They don’t care what you want or fear or hope. They’re going to beat you into submission, period.
Other relentless bullies and narcissists can be exquisitely sensitive to their target’s needs and wants. Then they’ll use their understanding (“empathy”) to manipulate or coerce their targets into doing what the narcissist wants. That knowledge or understanding of what motivates people (their fears, wants, dreams, hopes, temptations, values, etc.) does not, by itself, make them empaths.
Alice recognized the major characteristics of empaths:
They sense or know what people want, what motivates them, how they feel (what their hopes, dreams, pains, fears, desires, etc. are).
They have understanding and sympathy; they’re kind and compassionate; they try to make other people feel seen, heard, understood; they try to help them feel better; they try to help them grow and become more independent, more fulfilled.
What’s the right question for Alice?
Alice knew her daughter lacked the second characteristic of empaths. She cared only about herself. Alice realized better questions would be, “How can I protect myself? How can I stop my daughter from becoming the center of my life, controlling me, sucking me dry, ruining my life?” Those questions led Alice into her future; they were better than analysis paralysis.
What Alice did.
Alice quickly saw what she had to do to maintain a distance between her and her daughter. It wasn’t easy. When Alice resisted, her daughter tried bullying and abuse. When Alice still did what she wanted and didn’t do what she didn’t want, her daughter switched to manipulation, blame, shame and guilt tactics. And she withheld Alice’s grandchildren. But finally, when she needed Alice, she capitulated and started treating Alice with respect and caring. Alice never thought her daughter’s heart had really changed, but at least she got good treatment and time with the grandchildren.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.