Betty (fictitious name) kept trying to win her daughter’s love just like Betty had been told she had to do when she was growing up. Even when her daughter was a little girl, she’d had always wanted more and Betty had provided it.
As her daughter grew up, her bullying, narcissistic, toxic behavior increased with each year. She was mean, cruel, manipulative and abusive toward Betty, no matter what Betty did for her. Betty struggled but managed to pay for all her daughter’s college expenses, her phone, her car and insurance, and all the spending money the girl demanded. Then her daughter demanded the same through graduate school. Then there was the huge, destination wedding.
Through it all, her daughter treated Betty with contempt. She made phone calls or texts only when she was demanding more money, rarely answered Betty’s texts or calls, yelled at Betty to shut up if Betty ever wanted to talk, told Betty she had no right to know what she was doing and always had more important things to do if Betty wanted to visit.
Betty’s old rules kept her a servant, a slave.
Betty was raised to believe that love could conquer all, that her first job was to make her daughter happy, if her daughter had a problem or was unhappy it was Betty’s fault, if Betty didn’t like anything it was Betty’s problem, thinking of her own feelings meant Betty was selfish, family comes first, love means giving, forgiveness means Betty had to keep giving. We all know the cluster of beliefs, rules and roles many people are raised with. Betty accepted those without question.
The Beetles were right: With bullies, narcissists, “Can’t buy me love.”
Bullies, toxic narcissists are insatiable; they can never get enough power and control, they can never inflict enough pain to be satisfied. They don’t take your good deeds as a model to be copied; your good deeds show them there’s a person they can take advantage of.
Betty felt used and abused; she felt like a slave. Her daughter was like Veruka Salt from Willie Wonka. Betty was shocked and appalled at herself when she realized she didn’t like or respect her daughter.
Betty couldn’t understand why her daughter had turned out that way; what had Betty done wrong?
Betty had a part in her daughter’s pattern, but the source of the problem was in her daughter. Her daughter had always chosen to get what she wanted by beating Betty into submission. Her daughter never stopped wanted. She was needy and greedy without end. She had to have everything she thought of; every passing fancy had to be satisfied immediately.
Betty had consistently taught a different way of being, but her daughter hadn’t listened. Her daughter didn’t care about Betty’s ideas of good behavior and good character, of how to live a kind and loving life. She didn’t care about Betty as a human being. She cared only that Betty give her everything she wanted.
Betty realized she’d enabled that attitude by giving her daughter whatever she wanted; that’s what being a loving mother had meant to Betty. Then she realized, she had kept giving because she was afraid of the war if she ever said “no.” She hadn’t felt able to resist her daughter’s fight to the death to get every little thing she wanted. Betty had submitted.
All the answers to Betty’s “why” question didn’t help Betty devise tactics to change her daughter. Her daughter was choosing her feelings and her behavior; she was righteous about what she thought, felt and did.
Betty weaned her daughter.
The most important shift was within Betty. Betty chose to throw out all those old rules and to make new ones now, based on her experience and wisdom. She decided she was not responsible for her daughter’s happiness. She let go of the guilt she’d carried like a lead weight.
No matter what other people said to her, Betty decided to be firm about what she wanted to do. She could never be sure about the future, about what might work to change her daughter, but she was clear that enabling her daughter had never worked. Also, she decided she had to let go of the goal of changing her daughter. She could only have the goal of keeping her personal space free of bullying, narcissistic behavior. That wasn’t selfish; that was necessary. She could only hope a miracle would happen and her daughter would choose to change in order to be in Betty’s space.
Betty became the heroine of her own life and her life became truly her own life, not the life she’d been groomed for since her childhood.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.