Frannie (fictitious name) realized her husband and her toxic adult son were not on the Autism spectrum. The problem was not that they simply didn’t realize how much their behavior had hurt her. It was much more than that. They didn’t love or care about her the way she thought people should. She realized that they didn’t communicate with her, and they didn’t reciprocate her kindness and caring because they didn’t want to. Toward, they not only did exactly what they wanted, they actively prevented her from doing anything she wanted or enjoyed.
Frannie noticed her husband communicated very clearly with other people. He knew exactly what to say to drive away people she wanted to be friends with. With people he wanted to befriend, he knew what they felt and wanted. He even anticipated what they wanted before they asked him.
Actually, her husband and son were exquisitely sensitive to her thoughts and feelings. They understood completely what she wanted and had a thousand excuses to justify why she shouldn’t have it. Every time she wanted to do something to make herself happy, they prevented her from doing it or they sabotaged what she tried to do. They were negative, critical, demeaning and abusive. They were bullying narcissists disguised as emotionally unavailable. Every time she got happy, they did something to destroy her joy. And they smirked about it. They enjoyed her frustration, pain and anger. They knew exactly what they were doing.
They thought they were fine. When she didn’t like how they treated her, it was all her problem.
Consequently, they were destroying her Spirit and her life. They might promise to do something but conveniently forget. When she begged them to think of her feelings and to do what she wanted, they said they didn’t understand and, therefore, they didn’t have to do what she wanted. Then they always make sure she couldn’t do it either. They argued that her unhappiness was her fault and her problem.
In rare moments, they were honest. They told her she was their servant, slave, property. She was not supposed to have any wishes or happiness of her own. She didn’t deserve to be happy. They didn’t care about what she wanted. Her happiness was unimportant or irrelevant. Servants, slaves don’t deserve to be happy. If she tried, they’d prevent it. They should be at the center of her life. She was a good wife and mother only when she was useful. They loved her just like they loved animals or tools who served them.
Frannie realized that in their minds, they were the only persons in the world who really mattered.
Something in her snapped permanently when she realized they acted like jealous Gods. In their minds, she was supposed to adore and worship and serve them. She was not allowed to have any wishes or interests of her own. That would be heresy. She would be an infidel worthy of whatever punishment they chose to inflict on her.
In their minds, there are only four kinds of people:
Those who had what they wanted and were, therefore, targets.
Those who were better, more powerful and to be feared until they could be manipulated or destroyed.
Those who were tools or worshippers who were be controlled and used to get what they wanted.
Those who were unimportant unless they got in the way or became targets or tools.
Instead of asking “why they were that way,” Frannie used that realization to think differently about all the situations she’d experienced with them.
She let that feeling sink into every cell of her body, especially her heart. Her life with them became clear; her past and her future with them became clear. They’d destroy any life she wanted that wasn’t her abject subjugation.
Her Spirit demanded that she get away; that she finally begin living a life of her own, a life she was in the center of, not at the periphery; that she take charge of her life; that she become the Heroine of her life.
Her guilt and shame were gone. Her anger rose to give her determination and power. She would not be deflected when they said she was bad, she would not quit, she would not give in.
She began the hard task of getting away from “Gods” who thought they could strike her with lightning whenever they wanted.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.