Ellen (fictitious name) couldn’t understand why her daughter had become so selfish and entitled, angry and uncaring, mean and cruel. Ellen knew there were many toxic parents, but she wasn’t one of them. Sure, she’d given her daughter too much, but she’d always tried to teach her to be kind and caring. After Ellen joined a number of Facebook groups, she realized her daughter was one of a plague of bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children.
It wasn’t Ellen’s fault.
Yes, there were difficulties for her daughter when she was growing up. Ellen had divorced her abusive husband, but she always made sure her daughter got as much and as good as her peers, even better. And Ellen saw many of those toxic adult children from whole, stable families.
Typical psychological answers aren’t correct.
The psychologists’ explanations given to Ellen and the people she met on her estranged and alienated parents’ groups were indictments of the parents or of the genes they passed on or were all about the problems the kids had when they were growing up. But those explanations couldn’t be right. Most of the parents of those children had much harsher childhoods. Much less had been given to them, but they’d turned out to be decent people who tried to understand and care for their own parents, despite the tough lives they’d had growing up.
At a deeper level, all the explanations were wrong because they imagined the children as helpless victims of the events and forces in their lives. The underlying assumption in the explanations was that the children were sensitive and fragile, and justified when they abused their parents. The explanations assumed that if the children weren’t given everything, if they weren’t loved unconditionally, if their feelings weren’t given in to or if they weren’t made happy at every moment, then it would be natural that they’d grow up to be the kind of bullying, narcissistic, toxic adults they had, indeed, become. And it was the parents’ fault for not pleasing them; not raising their self-esteem.
But Ellen realized, that could be true because the estranged and alienated parents hadn’t had those benefits when they were growing up, and they’d turned out pretty good.
Why so many bullying, narcissistic, toxic adults now?
This phenomenon has happened many times before, in many cultures across the world. It happens whenever a society gets rich enough, in general, that children and their parents don’t have to struggle for the basic necessities of life.
When this happens, the parents always ask their children:
How do you feel? And then the parents take on the responsibility to make their children feel better, no matter what they have to do.
What do you want? And then the parents give the children whatever they want, whatever will make them feel better.
These questions are important in moderation, but when it’s all day, every day, about everything, those children soon expect to be at the center of the universe. They think they should be given everything they want, especially happiness. The universe is supposed to shower them with abundance and make them happy. If their performance is mediocre or if they fail, they are protected from consequences. Deep down, the parents know that if they don’t give, those children will fight to the death to get what they wanted.
This pattern encourages those children in their most selfish, demanding, narcissistic tendencies. Those children feel entitled to an easy, comfortable life that satisfies them.
The question of those toxic children is always about getting what they want. They never think about how their parent feels or what their parent wants. In their minds, their parent’s only function in life is the serve them, to please them. They never think of their responsibility to please their parent or to give back to their society.
When those bullying narcissists have to prepare and then go out into the world, where only performance matters, where they’re expected to produce and to do things they don’t like, where they have to struggle and might not succeed, they react with anger and blame, with retaliation. If they make bad decisions, it’s somebody else’s fault.
Previously, every child (peasants, princes and princesses) had duties, responsibilities and obligations. They were expected to struggle and learn as children, to work at becoming adults who would fulfill their adult roles in society, to become competent, whether they liked it or not. Of course, not all succeeded. And when they didn’t, there were dire consequences.
When societies get rich, children in the next few generations tend to become selfish and entitled, and act like outraged victims when they don’t get everything they want. The examples are countless. We have plays from the Greeks of the late fifth century BC after they conquered Persia, letters from the Romans of the first centuries after they conquered Carthage and the rest of Europe, examples of the Moguls after they conquered India, from the Portuguese and Spanish after they conquered the Americas, from the Dutch and the British after they conquered the far East. And many more.
Ellen realized that no matter what she had told her daughter, the girl had willingly accepted the brainwashing that was in the media, in her schools, in her peers, in the air she breathed. She was supposed to be loved, pleased and approved of, or someone (her mom) was at fault. Someone should be blamed and pay for her displeasure. Her chosen friends and therapists all agreed.
The typical psychological explanations leave out free will, choice.
Yes, overindulgence makes it easy for a child to expect everything they want, but there’s always the choice the growing child makes a thousand times to continue expecting to be pleased, because they’re entitled. Then they get addicted to the pleasure of being enraged, blaming and punishing when they don’t get complete obedience. Vindictiveness becomes a chosen habit.
Ellen could see that pattern in so many families. Usually, only one or two of the children, but not all, chose to be selfish and entitled. The rest choose to become decent adults.
Ellen was freed when she recognized her daughter had chosen to be mean and cruel.
Ellen let go of her guilt and shame; she stopped accepting blame. She knew she had to protect herself and her other children from the daughter who’d chosen to be a predator, a monster. She could love her daughter from afar, but she would not step into a cage with her. Inside, she’d only get her flesh and feelings shredded. She made the choice that was life-giving to herself and the other children.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
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Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.