Must you honor and respect toxic parents the way they want?

Tina’s toxic, controlling, demanding, blackmailing, manipulative, bullying, abusive father insisted she honor and respect him by doing everything he wanted, any moment he wanted. From seemingly little things like running errands to big things like attending events he’d arranged for the whole family at the last moment to please himself. He didn’t care that Tina’s husband had to work or that Tina’s four children had events of their own.

Warning: If you’re in the opposite position:

if you’re a good, kind, loving, reasonable parent with toxic adult children – you’ll hear the same accusations thrown at you. But you do know who the problem is in your situation. You know by how you feel and by the behavior of your bullying, abusive adult children. They’ll behave like Tina’s father, with the additional weapon of withholding your grandchildren.

Back to Tina’s father.

He pitted one adult child against the other. He told them lies about each other and bestowed favoritism from one to the other. If you obeyed him, you were in the will; you were a dutiful child going to heaven. If you ever questioned what he was doing or wouldn’t jump when he wanted, you were going in the other direction and out of the will. His decisions were final and there was no disagreements, excuses or appeals.

He’d spent money on Tina when he was raising her and now she had to be obedient and submissive to show honor and respect. In addition, he blackmailed her emotionally by saying he needed her to care for him now he was getting old. He wanted only her; not the other children or any professionals. She had to make his feelings most important.

Must you honor and respect toxic parents the way they want?

No. More important is that you become independent and live your life according to your own standards. You don’t have to make their lives easy and convenient the way they want. You can care for them in your own kind, loving way.

Being truthful, honest and open are the best ways to show you respect someone else. Being their slave and giving up your own unique life to serve them bestows no honor.

Follow the dictates of your own Spirit. Anyone who tells you different, for whatever reason they give, is really trying to make you into their slave. They want to be your Lord and Master. Of course they have justifications.

Tina and her husband faced a choice.

Her father made it an all-or-none choice. Submit or be cast out. They chose freedom instead of slavery. Of course, that meant they started out less rich than he could make them, but they’d set a wonderful example for their children.

Don’t believe me. Believe your Spirit: Give your life to your Spirit.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

In bullying, narcissistic relationships, you’re "the help”

Shelly’s husband was crystal clear but she’d never faced the truth before. He said, “You took my name so you took on my goals.” She fooled herself into thinking that meant they’d talk and come to some joint agreement about what to do with their time, energy and money; they help each other be happy.

In bullying, narcissistic relationships, you’re “the help.”

After two children and years of control, demands, manipulation, emotional blackmail, demeaning, public put-downs, guilt-trips, bullying and mental, emotional and sometimes sexual and physical abuse, Shelly finally understood he was saying exactly what he meant. She was his hands whenever he wanted to use her to do anything he wanted. She was on-call 24/7.

He never cared about providing money for the family so, in his mind, money was her job unless it interfered with errands he wanted her to do at any moment. She could do whatever she wanted as long as he approved and she’d drop everything in an instant to do what he wanted at the moment. Therefore, she could spend no money he might have a use for and have no interests that came before him.

The problem was not his lack of intelligence, understanding or emotional sensitivity.

Whenever she brought up his promises, he denied them or said she’d misunderstood. When he read what she’d made him write as promises, he said he didn’t care what she thought. The words hadn’t gone over his head; he just didn’t care about what she thought or wanted. Finally he explained it patiently; her wishes, desires, wants, needs didn’t matter. The only things that mattered were his goals.

After seeing the movie, “The Help,” he told her servitude was what she’d signed up for. And he had no intention of changing. If she wasn’t happy, she was wrong and bad, and it was her problem to make herself happy.

In return for a life-time of obedient and submissive service, she’d get into heaven as a good girl and dutiful wife.

Otherwise, she was doomed and he could treat her anyway he wanted. And he told their children to use her also, as long as what they wanted didn’t interfere with his use of her.

What could Shelly do?

She’d tried for years to please him so he’d be happy and start doing things that pleased her. “After all, that’s what a marriage is supposed to be, isn’t it?” He said she was all wrong. Her job was to serve him; she was too dumb, selfish, angry and ugly to survive without him. If she left him, she’d never make it on her own. She’d be alone forever.

Then he showed, once again, how sensitive to her he really was. He listed all the things she feared he’d do and promised her, if she resisted or if she left him, he’d do them and worse. He’d ruin her reputation with her family and his. He’d get everyone in town to scorn and punish her. He make her life hell. He’d lie if he had to.

Shelly faced her worst fears.

Everyone would think she was a bad person. She’d be alone forever. She’d never get into heaven.

After tremendous agony and second-guessing of her thoughts and feelings, she finally decided rather than be a slave forever, she’d live her own life according to her own standards.

She did and life became wonderful. But that’s another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies and narcissists, bitterness and anger can help

Ruth was upset; she wanted to get rid of the bitterness and anger she felt against one of her own adult children.

That child was ripping Ruth’s family apart. Since she’d been a teenager, she’d thrown tantrums, blamed her unhappiness on Ruth and tried to turn the other children against Ruth. She demanded all of Ruth’s time, energy and money; she tried to control every situation and manipulate everyone to her hidden agendas; she claimed she was never loved enough; she was negative and critical of everything, nothing would satisfy her. She was bullying and abusive. She expected Ruth to feel guilty, apologize and grovel at her feet.

I’ve seen the same pattern in other situations: people often feel bitterness and anger toward toxic parents and siblings, and also toward controlling, manipulative ex’s who continue to torment them.

Ruth thought bitterness and anger were bad characteristics.

She thought she wasn’t a good person since she obsessed on all the wrongs her daughter had done and the harm she’d caused. She wished she could simply let go and love her daughter unconditionally as she had when the girl had been an infant.

Bitterness and anger provide motivation.

Ruth realized her bitterness and anger served an important function. She needed those feelings to motivate herself to protect herself against a predator who wanted to destroy her and her family.

She needed to be on guard every moment in order to stay safe from a crazy, vicious narcissist who happened to be in her family. She needed tremendous energy and focus to protect herself from hidden agendas, attacks and manipulation. But the mental, emotional and physical cost was high for Ruth.

There is no good, joint resolution with narcissists and relentless bullies.

Ruth’s unconscious knew her daughter would take advantage if she ever relaxed her guard. Her daughter might look sincere, might make “binding” agreements but she’d shown she was simply a great actress. Only her daughter’s good behavior over time, without reward, would show her daughter actually had a change of heart.

With narcissists and relentless bullies there is no joint understanding and forgiveness so you can immediately move ahead with love and good behavior.

Don’t be fooled by “sincere” apologies.

Many of Ruth’s friends told her to let go of her bitterness and anger. They advised her to be more forgiving. If she let go of her fear, her daughter would also let go of whatever she was afraid of. They said that the only person Ruth could change was herself, and when she changed, her daughter would automatically change in response.

What bullies and narcissists mean by “forgiveness” and “reconciliation.”

When they say they want to put the past behind and move ahead with a clean slate, they mean they want to continue getting away with abusing you; they want you to instantly open up again to further abuse because you’re so easily fooled. If you’re willing to give them instant gratification, they don’t have to change their ways at all.

When will Ruth let go of her bitterness and anger?

She’ll let go of the bitterness and anger when she knows she’s protected, when she has no fear because she knows she’s safe; naturally, automatically and easily.

Finally, Ruth can see what she has to focus on: staying true to what she knows, not letting fleeting feelings of remorse and guilt sweep her into letting a hungry wolf in her home. She must fence her daughter safely away from the rest of the family. She must keep the fence electrified until she’s sure, because of her daughter’s amends, reparation, and good behavior over time without instant reward, that a miracle has occurred in her daughter’s heart.

Simple, clear. Not easy. Until Ruth changes her motivation strategy or until Ruth knows she’s safe, she needs bitterness and anger.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists don’t want the same relationship you do

Paula was shocked and angry at herself when she suddenly saw her husband had never wanted what she would call a real relationship with her. She’d kept herself deaf and blind for thirty years.

What she’d heard and thought.

When they were dating, he’d said he’d thought she was a good woman and he valued her. All the years they’d been married, when she’d pinned him down, he’d say she was okay and he needed her and would never let her leave.

She’d heard and thought those words meant the same thing to him as they had to her: love and marriage meant an equal partnership, listening to each other, valuing each other’s opinions, giving each other what made the other person happy and loved, bearing the burdens equally, making decisions together, kindness, caring, etc.

The relationship he really wanted; insisted on.

Usually he let her believe that fantasy but sometimes he told her straightforwardly: he was her lord and master, her purpose in life was to do what he wanted – to run his errands, to cook and clean for him and anyone he chose to bring to their home, to earn money and give him complete control of it, and to wait silently for him to tell her when he wanted her to do something for him. Seemed clear enough to him.

He was always negative, critical and demeaning. She never did enough, no matter how much she’d done. He was too busy and important to clean up anything so she had to do all the cleaning, all the errands, all the chores. Even worse, he showed he wasn’t interested when she gave opinions. Of course he was angry, she wouldn’t shut up and submit, and she wanted him to do things he didn’t want to.

Paula had found excuses for these rare moments of candor and clarification of what he’d meant.

She minimized the truth and assumed he simply was speaking unclearly or he didn’t really understand how much he’d hurt her feelings. She couldn’t imagine anyone could be so different from her; didn’t care what she thought or wanted, didn’t want a wonderful relationship with a partner and helpmate, didn’t want a real marriage.

She’d never listened to his words, never counted all his actions that showed how he really thought and felt. She’d ignored the thousands of times he stuck her with verbal and emotional needles when he wasn’t physically or sexually brutalizing her. She minimized never receiving birthday or Christmas presents. She wouldn’t accept his actions as bullying and abuse. After all, he’d said he cared and valued her.

That way, she could maintain her illusion that they wanted the same thing; her ideal of a real relationship.

She realized he’d known from the beginning what he’d wanted and how to use her.

Usually he was content to let her believe her delusions so he could use and abuse her. Usually he lied by omission; by not setting her straight when he saw she’d misunderstood what he really intended. He excused that by saying he hadn’t openly lied. He justified himself by saying he’d told her the truth a few times. It wasn’t his fault she chose not to hear, pay attention or count it. She’d blinded by her own hopes and wishes. Her fault for wanting something different from him and her problem.

He didn’t care about her as a person.

He valued her only for the work she could do for him and for being willing to endure being beaten any time he felt like beating her. She was a useful tool and he wasn’t going to part with her. He’ll use every excuse or justification, every threat to keep her in line. If she wanted to get away she’d have to do it based on her judgment and against his will.

Once Paula’s ears and eyes were opened, once she counted the pain and torment she’d endured, she had to get free.

She felt so stupid and guilty. She’d wasted so many years of her life but she wasn’t going to waste any more. He’d always said he’d never agree to her leaving; he wouldn’t let his right arm go. She knew he meant he’d never let go of his servant, his slave, the source of his money. She’d have to break free against his will and probably in defiance of their adult children.

She’d been strong enough to endure slavery; she be strong enough to fight for and enjoy freedom.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists choose; they’re not created by past events

When Opal was dating her husband, she’d felt sorry for him. He’d been raised in such a poor, restrictive environment and he’d suffered so much, he didn’t know how to behave nicely. He fought at the drop of a hat because he was sensitive to slights, to attacks on his honor, to people he thought would take advantage of him.

He’d been taught to rule women, especially his wife. He was continually negative, bullying and abusive; he didn’t know any better. But she knew he didn’t mean her harm, he loved her and she loved him so much she was sure she could teach him to care for her.

Thirty years and three grown children later, Opal felt like a failure.

She hadn’t been able to rescue him from the conditions and events, from the results and effects of his upbringing. She thought that meant she just didn’t love him enough, she hadn’t found the right communication tools, she hadn’t filled his emotional needs. She’d failed.

It wasn’t his fault; he couldn’t help himself, he meant well. She thought he suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome or was on the autism spectrum. She felt terribly guilty and ashamed. She had no self-esteem.

Finally she allowed herself to see the choices he made.

She saw he always controlled his temper around other people, listened carefully to what they wanted, did favors for everyone else, adjusted his schedule to please them, worked hard to make everyone like him. He chose to be wonderful to them, male and female.

However, he chose to control her every move and to take his unhappiness out on her.

He had different rules for her. He never wanted her opinion and was angry when she offered it. He ignored her suggestions, never remembered what she liked, left her stranded when he felt like doing other things, expected her to clean up after him, never allowed her to do anything unless he’d ordered it.

Opal saw it was totally his choice; he wasn’t forced to act that way because he didn’t know any better.

Mental or emotional deficiencies had only been her excuse to accept his way of treating her; to pretend that giving up her life made her a good person; made her a good wife, helped her rise above.

Since he never suffered consequences, he had no incentive to change. He’ll use any excuse or justification; he’ll never admit he was doing anything wrong or mean (especially, not intentionally)

Opal can’t prove it so why does it matter?

When she’d thought he was created and forced by his upbringing to be uncaring, she’d felt sorry for him and allowed him to continue tormenting her while she tried to figure out how to teach him better. It wasn’t his fault so why should he suffer any consequences?

But when she saw him as choosing to treat her like a slave or scapegoat, she got angry. She didn’t want to keep sacrificing her body, mind and Spirit while waiting for him to learn.

Opal saw her future as soul-crushing.

When she looked ahead at the rest of her life, she saw she was in a life and death struggle to determine who was in charge of her future; him or her. As long as she stayed, he could think he was fine; he’d done nothing wrong and she was just too sensitive and controlling.

He’d get worse with age. That was sufficient motivation for her. Well, that and finally deciding to become a model for her daughters. She decided to be responsible for her future, not for serving him the way he wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: The cult of users

Nancy thought if she broke away from her extended family – parents, husband, two of her four adult children – she’d be alone and lonely the rest of her life. Most of her family bullied, abused and used her. Since that was family, she thought she’d never find people nicer and kinder. She was also sure she didn’t know how to have good relationships.

Nancy grew up lived in a cult of users.

Why do I call her extended family a “cult?” Two reasons:

1. They have the symptoms of cults. For example; other people knew what was right and true, what she should and must do, staying with them was her only way to salvation, she couldn’t trust herself, she must serve them, they need her to help them, if she tried to leave they’d destroy her, they said she was too helpless and incompetent to succeed in the outside world, everyone outside was wrong, bad and dangerous, etc.

2. I didn’t want her to look for psychological reasons to excuse their behavior and to minimize her pain. I wanted the word “cult” to make her so angry and strong, brave and determined, she’d resist their lies and break free.

Nancy had been groomed to serve.

The only roles that won her relief from negativity and criticism, verbal abuse and physical beatings were servant or slave, enabler or competent fixer. She was bullied and guilt-tripped to stop being selfish; stop putting her wants and needs before the feelings of others.

Even when she was an adult, they never showed real kindness or consideration of her wants. The most happiness she felt were moments of relief from pain and torment. Sometimes, she was promised something she wanted but it was always jerked away at the last moment. She was not allowed to enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet by herself, or to visit someone she might have enjoyed.

Nancy was condemned if she did something, condemned if she didn’t.

Whatever she did was either wrong or never good enough. Sometimes, the criticism was openly abusive or sarcastic, while other times it was subtle so she couldn’t object and defend herself. Even if she did what was demanded, they’d say she misunderstood and did it the wrong way. Or they’d deny they ever said it and witness for each other that she was wrong.

She was shocked to realize they didn’t care; she was merely prey.

She was trained to beat herself, “What did I do wrong? Nobody who cared would act the way they did unless I’d provoked them terribly.” Of course her self-doubt increased while her self-confidence and self-esteem plummeted.

Nancy had failed to change them using every method she could find about how to communicate better and to be a better, more caring, understanding and forgiving person. She’d tried to please them all her life; she’d done nothing wrong; their behavior was not her fault.

Every situation, all the patterns were explained simply; they didn’t care about her. They were selfish narcissists; she counted no more than a servant and whipping post. She’d been raised in a cult of users and abusers.

She was horrified at the realization and started testing them. Each time, they proved her new insight was accurate.

Despite the difficulty, Nancy broke free; step by step.

At first, she was immobilized by her fears and isolation. But she was helped by writing a short story of her life as a struggle to escape from bondage in order to be free. They’d tortured her and keep her in solitary confinement so she wouldn’t feel equipped to deal with the outside world.

Now her Spirit and anger rose up and kept her on track. She’d get free or die trying. First she stopped accepting her role in the cult, no matter how they threatened or tried to manipulate her back into slavery. Then she made distance between her and followers of the cult.

Each small step she took helped her take more steps. Each step backward meant she’d try harder next time. Simple and clear, even if not easy.

She was surprised when she attracted new people who wanted to enjoy her company in a reciprocal way.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Family enablers choose Cinderella

Last time, I told you part of Mary’s story with her mean, vicious, narcissistic adult daughter.

Mary’s sisters and extended family had decided that Mary’s mother was a suffering victim of her childhood and bad marriages. Therefore, Mary should put up with her mother’s anger, hostility, criticism, threats, violence and embarrassing behavior in public. Her mother wasn’t going to change so Mary stop being so sensitive. She should be strong enough to endure whatever her mother did to her. She should rise above, smile and be grateful she had a mother who loved her.

Mary’s two sisters acted just even worse than their mother did. They publicized lies about the supposedly-awful things Mary did to them; how mean and vicious she’d been to them. The extended family chose to believe them or to accept what they said because it was too dangerous to disagree and take Mary’s side. Mary should simply let them ruin every family event. Mary should be the bigger, better person; accept their bullying and abuse, and keep the peace.

Mary’s family had chosen her to be Cinderella; servant, slave and whipping girl.

She should see all the psychological reasons her mother and sisters had for hating, using and abusing her. They had good reasons for bullying and abusing her. Mary should stop trying to defend herself and prove they were wrong. She should stop making trouble and breaking the family’s peace. She should be thankful it wasn’t worse. She should overcome her resentment, anger and bitterness, and focus on being more forgiving.

Cinderella’s feelings don’t count.

Only the feelings and wishes of the step-mother and step-sisters count. Same with Mary’s mother and sisters. Only the narcissists’ feelings count. They wanted her to give up and stop protesting against servitude and beatings.

They used the four typical justifications for Mary’s submission and servitude:

1. Terrible backgrounds.

2. Physical, medical or emotional needs.

3. Philosophical or religious grounds.

4. Fear and power.

How can Mary change them?

She can’t. She’ll never change the family dynamic by begging them to be more fair, just and loving of her. The family revolves around their fear, stubbornness and power. Mary has no leverage; she’s not rich enough to make the rest of the family pressure her mother and sisters.

When Mary leaves them, will the family feel guilty and change?

No. They’re not motivated by morals, conscience or the Golden Rule. Her only power is to save herself by creating her own “Isle of Song in a Sea of Shouts” (Rabindranath Tagore). Of course, they’ll threaten her, bad-mouth her and blame everything on her.

When Cinderella no longer wants to be loved and appreciated by people full of hate, she can leave and not care what they think. Also, she can never be magnanimous enough to change their hearts. If she marries the Prince, they’ll still take everything they can and plot behind her back to destroy the marriage and overthrow her. That’s who they’ve chosen to become.

Mary’s resentment, anger and bitterness are necessary for her.

Mary’s resentment, anger and bitterness provide energy for her to protect herself from slavery. They motivate her to escape and start a new life. No matter how hard. No matter how long.

Only after she’s saved herself and her Spirit, will she be able to release the resentment, anger and bitterness because she no longer needs them. She won’t need that energy anymore.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Some bullies, narcissists play the victim

Mary’s adult daughter decided she was the victim of a terrible childhood and it was all Mary’s fault. Mary had forced her to do homework in courses she hadn’t liked, had not taken her to all the events she wanted, had divorced her father when she was 12 and had not given her a car when she was 16. It had broken her heart. A lot of her claims were outright lies. Her feelings mattered and Mary didn’t appreciate how much she’d suffered.

Mary had paid for her daughter’s college. But her daughter didn’t invite Mary to the graduation; she invited her father instead. She was afraid Mary’s presence would upset him and this was his and her special day. Anyway, Mary deserved every bad thing that was done to her.

All along, she’d ignored how Mary felt. She ignored her father’s constant criticism, bullying and abuse of Mary. She ignored the fact that he’d hit Mary twice. She ignored the fact that he’d never given Mary or his daughter a penny. She ignored the fact that Mary had to work two jobs to support them and make a third, job-like effort to arrange as much as she could for her daughter’s activities and enjoyment.

Many bullies and narcissists decide they’re the victims; only their feelings and sufferings count.

Everyone should center their lives on making sure the bullies and narcissists aren’t denied anything and don’t have hurt feelings. They have many socially-acceptable reasons why their feelings and desires should be catered to. Typical justifications are:

1. Terrible backgrounds. The world (meaning you) are supposed to make up for what they didn’t get before. If you won’t be their slave, you deserve their lying, manipulation and attacks.

2. Physical, medical or emotional needs. They are the most sensitive people in the world. That’s just how they are. If you don’t give them what they want, you’re not caring or loving enough and you should be punished.

3. Philosophical or religious grounds. They should be served because they’re men or husbands or the breadwinners. They should be served because they’re delicate women. If you don’t serve them, you’re punishing them.

4. Fear and power. If you want their love or money, you’d better serve them. If you want them not to destroy your reputation with the rest of the family, you’d better obey them. They’re more stubborn and relentless than you are. Do what they want and maybe they’ll back off or even give you a pittance.

Of course, I’m not agreeing with any of these. I’m simply listing what people have told me. The last category might not sound like a suffering victim. But their typical justification is that they’re simply defending themselves against your past torment of them.

Mary couldn’t change her daughter’s mind.

Mary felt so guilty; she must have done something terrible for her daughter to feel that way about her. She tried everything she could think of to convince her daughter to accept the facts or truth of what happened when she was growing up or that she was using bad logic to justify herself and excuse her horrid behavior toward Mary.

She finally realized her daughter was not beginning with facts and logic, and then drawing conclusions. Her daughter’s righteous anger felt so good, she’d become addicted to it. She began with wanting to force Mary to be her slave. Then she’d find clever arguments to justify her feelings and behavior. She’d use tantrums, accusations, guilt-trips, lies to Mary’s family and any other tactic she could think of.

Now that she’d become an adult, now that she’d gotten everything she thought she needed from Mary, she was done with her mother. Anyway, her father now had more money and wanted to give her everything in order to build a bond with her. He didn’t seem to mind serving her now.

What could Mary do?

That’s a long and very different story. It began with Mary grieving for how her life with her daughter had been a lie, for the character and values her daughter had now and for her shattered hopes and dreams because she wouldn’t have a wonderful relationship with her daughter.

But Mary could and did still make a wonderful life for the second half of it.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists are not like you

Leigh kept shaking her head and saying she couldn’t understand why her oldest daughter would say she’d never see her grandchildren if Leigh didn’t cut her other children out of her will. After 35 years of enduring rages, blame, silent treatment, bullying, abuse and even physical attacks, Leigh still wailed that it made no sense.

Leigh said, “I showed her how loving people treat each other. Everyone wants to be nice to their family, don’t they? Everyone wants to work things out, don’t they? We’re all the same underneath, aren’t we? Everyone wants peace, tranquility and love, don’t they? Everyone wants to follow the Golden Rule and get into heaven, don’t they? It makes no sense.” Leigh was blindsided every time her daughter manipulated, guilt-tripped or attacked her.

Leigh had clung to her childhood beliefs and ignored the evidence.

She could talk about how she frozen with terror at her parents drunken, crazy anger, but she was sure they loved her and wanted the best for her. She could talk about how critical, negative, mean and vindictive her narcissistic ex-husband had been; how she’d thrown her body between him and the kids in order to protect them, but she was sure it was important that the children loved their father and knew he loved them. So she never said a word of truth against him. She could talk about the thousand things her oldest daughter had done, but she knew her daughter wanted the best for Leigh and her other siblings.

She’d believed in infinite goodness at the core of everyone and in the idea we’ll all eventually come around to loving each other. When she was growing up, that hope kept her struggling for a better life; the hope sustained her.

But now her oldest daughter was forcing her to choose between the other children she enjoyed and who enjoyed her, and the one child who was full of entitlement, greed, jealousy and hate.

Leigh broke through: as an adult, she took into her heart and soul the reality that there are people totally different from the way she was.

She’d never understand why people would choose evil as a way of life, but now she allowed herself to recognize selfish people motivated by money, power and the pleasure of inflicting pain. Now, she could predict what her daughter would do based on her past performance. Now, Leigh could use her energy to protect herself, her happiness and her other children instead of wasting her time and energy trying to understand a daughter who was different from the way she was. People, including her children, had totally different desires, values and character; they had totally different rules of behavior even though she’d raised them all. That was the way the world was.

Now, Leigh could plan how to respond to what was likely to happen.

Just like she’d finally given up trying to rehabilitate her ex-husband, she gave up trying to educate and convert her daughter by forgiving, minimizing and catering to her. Bur she wouldn’t give up on herself and the future she wanted. She decided to use her life to love the children and grandchildren whose love felt wonderful in return. She also decided to matter to non-family members who wanted and appreciated her caring. Whenever she had second thoughts, she remembered her decision not to cast her pearls before swine, and she was comforted and strengthened.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists addicted to anger

Kayla couldn’t make sense of one of her adult daughter’s anger. Her daughter would fly into a rage over the smallest things; she’d make a suspicion or misunderstanding into a battle for life and death. According to her, everything was Kayla’s fault. Her negativity, hate, criticism, and bullying could be felt from miles away. She’d always been that way but had gotten worse as she’d gotten more independent.

Kayla had tried to be a great parent; she’d given her daughter everything she could and had accepted all the blame for her daughter’s hurt or angry feelings. She’d apologized numerous times while her daughter never had.

Many bullies and narcissists are addicted to hate, righteous anger and rage.

Anger is their drug of choice and, for them, has many advantages over getting hooked on harder drugs.

• Righteous anger produces adrenaline, euphoria and feelings of power. Kayla’s daughter loved the feelings. She could act out in any way she wanted and blame her behavior on Kayla.

• Righteous anger is free. Kayla’s daughter didn’t have to part with money and she didn’t care about any bad consequences. In her mind, the consequences were mild compared to the feeling of power.

• The fix of righteous anger can be delivered any time. In medicine it’s called PRN; any time Kayla’s daughter wanted, she could push the button and get her dose.

• Righteous anger is more socially acceptable than many other drugs. Most people did think of Kayla as the problem. They suggested ways Kayla could change her behavior so her daughter wouldn’t be so angry at her. Everyone was afraid to face her daughter; they might offend her and be battered by the consequences.

Is there scientific proof this idea is true?

No. And there’s no evidence that rage addiction produces as many addictive bio-chemicals as hard drugs.

• But proof didn’t matter to Kayla. What was more important was that it helped Kayla:

• Make sense of her past interactions with her daughter.

• Predict with amazing accuracy what would happen when she interacted with her daughter.

Trying to reason with her daughter was as effective as telling an addict to stop using her drug of choice.

Her daughter could be as critical, negative, controlling and abusive as she wanted but that didn’t matter to her. She’d always find a reason to dislike something Kayla did and make that reason the start of Kayla’s provoking her. Even if what Kayla was accused of was non-existent or trivial to everyone else, she’d be damned if she did something; damned if she didn’t. Whenever her daughter wanted a fix, she’d blow up. Kayla was always guilty; she was doomed.

Kayla’s relieved herself of guilt and started planning ahead.

Since she knew a blow up was inevitable, she could decide whether being in any situation was worth the effort and the mental and emotional price she’d have to pay. Were the holidays worth the pain, was a trip to the mall with her granddaughter worth the pain, was a heart-to-heart talk with her daughter worth the pain, was taking the high road in public worth the pain or would it only encourage her daughter to do worse?

Since Kayla had decided how to think and feel about her daughter’s addiction, she could decide what to do without guilt, embarrassment or shame.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want you living in fear

Julia had always lived in fear of what her now-adult son would do. And he’d married a woman who despised Julia and wanted him to do the worst Julia could imagine; deprive her of her closest grandchildren.

At first, Julia blamed the wife. She was an abusive, controlling narcissist. And she never let up. She was always offended by whatever Julia did. She condemned Julia if she did something and condemned her if Julia didn’t do what she wanted. Julia could never win.

Bullies, narcissists want you living in fear.

Then, Julia remembered her son had always been that way. When he was a child, if he didn’t get his way, he throw fits in public. She never knew what he’d do and she lived in fear that the neighbors or anyone who heard him would think she was a horrible mother. He lied about her with a smiling face. He seemed to enjoy bullying and tormenting her. Since making her submit was a game he could win, he never gave up. The older he got, the worse he got.

Her other adult children were kind and caring but this son had gotten worse as he grew older. She was afraid to disagree with him because of his overt and sneaky retaliation. He said she was always wrong and guilty for offending him; she always deserved punishment. She realized he’d gotten worse as he became older, not for any psychological reasons, but simply because he became more independent and powerful. There was nothing she could do. He’d convinced her resistance was futile.

Your rules can’t contain or limit bullies, narcissists in any way.

Julia realized his wrath and retaliation knew no bounds or limits. He had no code of ethics or morals toward her. He’d lie, manipulate and turn everyone against her without a conscience. Her reasoning, kindness and compromise toward him did not get her the same in return. He saw that as weakness and an opportunity to make her suffer even more. He was like a poison, killer virus in her life.

He reminded Julia of her father. She’d always been afraid. If she’d resisted, he’d have destroyed her physically, emotionally and psychologically. Of course, when she was a child she was helpless. All she could do was worry and obsess on what he’d do next, whenever he felt like it.

Julia decided to fight back, no matter the cost.

In the middle of her worst depression, something snapped inside of her. She found her courage. Even though that son seemed to have all the power, she determined to fight him to the death. Better to lose fighting than to give up and accept slavery. She knew that would probably mean driving a wedge between her other children and that son, and not seeing those beloved grandchildren until they were adults. But they were already being poisoned against her.

She told that son she was not accepting any guilt for his or his wife’s anger. They were raging, bullying narcissists. It was not her fault that his wife was offended by Julia. It was the wife’s fault for blowing up over nothing and seeking retaliation, not reconciliation. For the rest of her life, she was going to have a wonderful time with the family who loved her. If he had problems with that, tough for him.

She started a very public estranged/alienated grandparents group, she posted on social media all the fun trips she took and the interesting people she met, and she arranged many events with the other children and grandchildren. He retaliated as she expected.

She still had two bits of leverage. She rallied the people in her family who disliked what he was doing. They cut him off. She removed him from her will and trusts, and told him they were getting nothing. At first she felt horrible and guilty. But when he came crawling because she had some leverage, she felt powerful. She told him he’d have to earn his way back into her good graces slowly, over time. While he did this, she knew he hadn’t really changed. As his career progressed and he got richer, she’d lose power over him and he’d revert.

But she’d always have power over herself. That was the best feeling. For the first time, she felt authentic.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop psychoanalyzing bullies, narcissists

Ilene wasn’t sure her husband and one of her adult daughters were bullies or narcissists. And she couldn’t understand why either would act the way they did when she loved them so much and had done so much for both of them.

Her husband was critical, negative, sarcastic and demanding. He said he was head of the household and she had to do what he said and give him what he wanted, even if he’d changed his mind just a second before. And sex was a brutal, horror show. He didn’t seem to agree that a true marriage meant taking care of each other including making her happy. But he wasn’t all bad; two years ago he had gotten her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday, and once he almost said he was wrong. If only she could be sure.

Ilene’s daughter was full of rage. She loudly blamed Ilene for her lousy marriage, said hateful things in public and insisted Ilene go to work so she could give her more money. Ilene felt so guilty. Often her daughter was overt but sometimes Ilene thought she was covert, sneaky and manipulative. What had she done so wrong that her daughter treated her like that? And maybe her daughter was right; maybe Ilene was too sensitive and not caring, loving and forgiving enough?

Don’t waste time trying to decide if someone is a bully or narcissist – and what kind of narcissist.

All the time Ilene spent trying to decide if they were actually bullies and narcissists, she’d endured their abusive treatment of her. She hated the way they acted; she’d never let anyone else treat her that way. But she didn’t think she could do anything unless she was sure they were bullying, narcissists.

Stop trying to psychoanalyze bullies, narcissists.

Ilene obsessed on figuring out what had happened to her husband when he was growing up that made him the way he was. She was certain his control and rage were her fault. She worried how she could avoid triggering his anger. If she only knew how to pump up his self-esteem better, he’d start loving her. She obsessed on her daughter also. If only she knew how to feed her daughter’s emotional needs, to make her happy, she was sure her daughter would relax and love her in return.

All the time Ilene wasted analyzing them, talking with friends to help analyze them, reading articles and watching videos about bullies and narcissists, she’d endured their treatment. However, she was certain that when she’d analyzed them deeply enough, a solution would appear in her mind. She’d know exactly what to do to win them over. They’d start treating her the way loving people should.

What Ilene needed to do was to stop trying to understand them and, instead, stop them.

Simply ask yourself, “Do I want to accept their behavior?”

Obsessing on their problems, trying to figure them out, getting a definitive diagnosis, deciding who was wrong, finding psychological excuses for them and wondering if she had the right to demand what she wanted, had kept her stuck for decades. Her husband and her daughter had horrible examples growing up but they’d also had wonderful examples. In the end, they’d always chosen how they wanted to act. They’d chosen to act like the horrible examples.

Ilene had gone around in endless circles of pain and anger, followed by self-doubt, guilt and low self-esteem, followed by more pain and anger. She hated the way she thought and felt. Her husband and daughter would never see a counselor; they thought they were right and fine.

In her heart of hearts, Ilene knew she was done with being their scapegoat and whipping girl. She hated them and herself for putting up with the abuse. She decided not to convince them she was normal and right. She decided not to rescue, save or rehabilitate them. Simply, she wouldn’t accept their treatment any longer.

And she didn’t.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don’t pretend bullies, narcissists are okay

Helen was distraught. Her adult daughter was negative, critical and demanding as usual. At a family Christmas party, she yelled that Helen had ruined her life and she’d never let Helen see her granddaughter. She loved her father, Helen’s ex, who was at the party with his new, young girlfriend. He always agreed with the daughter and gave her everything she wanted. He slyly encouraged the daughter to blame Helen, whenever she was upset at anything. The daughter hated Helen for divorcing her sweet, loving father.

Helen told me she hadn’t told her daughter about her father’s alcoholism, abuse, beating her and then going after their daughter. That’s when Helen had called the police, who removed her husband before he got to the child. That’s when Helen divorced him. He’d been gone from their lives until Helen’s daughter was 25.

Now, he preened as the center of attention, enjoying his daughter’s love while making sarcastic, demeaning comments to Helen whenever their daughter wasn’t present. He told Helen he’d make sure their daughter hated and discarded her. In public, he pretended to be Helen’s friend; a nice guy and an innocent victim of divorce, full of good advice.

Don’t collude with bullies, narcissists by keeping silent.

Helen had never told her daughter the truth about her father because she didn’t want to interfere with a relationship between a daughter and her father. Helen’s plan had worked.

Her daughter now had a wonderful relationship with a man who’d been her bullying, narcissistic father and hadn’t changed. Her daughter had repressed her memories of what he’d done. Instead, she hated Helen, who’d worked two jobs and paid for her education. Her daughter had been lured by her father’s gifts and swallowed his stories about how Helen had been unfair to him. Now her daughter thought he was wonderful and Helen was the bad person.

What can Helen do now?

Helen wished she’d told her daughter the truth all those years she was growing up. Her job had been to interfere in order to protect a young girl from lies and manipulation by her biological father. She was guilty of stepping aside and allowing her daughter to have a relationship with an abusive narcissist. And she hated having to be polite to him now, pretending that nothing horrible had happened.

But if she made a scene now, she was sure her daughter would hate her for driving a wedge between her and her father. And probably her daughter wouldn’t believe her.

Helen finally decided to speak up; to shine a light.

She decided to make a scene at her daughter’s birthday party, to which her ex had been invited. She began by apologizing to her daughter for never telling her the truth; for allowing her to be in harm’s way with a man who’d been so rotten to her and still wanted to manipulate his daughter. Helen’s ex denied everything. Helen’s daughter was angry at Helen for ruining her party. And she wouldn’t believe any of the cruel and hateful things Helen had said.

That’s when Helen produced the police report and evidence from his trial. She stayed to rebut every new lie her ex tried to tell. She said she’d never again be in the same place with him. Forcing herself to be polite while he pretended to be nice was too offensive to her Soul.

Helen’s daughter now faced a test.

She could cling to her father because he always agreed with her and had dangled the promise of a big inheritance if she adored him. Or she could swallow her pride and apologize for throwing Helen away when she thought Helen would be no use anymore. Her daughter chose wisely.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Become a drama/chaos-free zone

Many bullies and narcissists take control of people and situations by creating drama and chaos. Everyone has problems in life; stuff breaks; health goes south; hopes, dreams and expectations get shattered. But that doesn’t require fear and panic, drama and chaos.

Gina had noticed a pattern. Both her mother and one adult daughter loved drama and chaos. Every time life seemed to be going along smoothly, something would happen and they’d get hysterical. Everything was an emergency; it was the end of the world. By the time everyone in the family, especially Gina, had gotten involved, Gina realized she’d spent every minute doing what they wanted. Nothing had been solved but she’d spent a lot of money and it was her fault that things were even worse. All her plans had been ruined; she could never relax and enjoy herself.

What seemed like a simple problem had become a whirlpool or black hole, and everyone had been sucked in to make her mother or that daughter happy.

But how could Gina not help? Gina realized she was being sucked into the hysteria and required to help the way they wanted, which meant using all her time and energy to throw gasoline on the fire.

During these near-continuous episodes, they’d become the center of attention. Everyone’s feelings, thoughts and energies were devoted to making them feel better. And afterward, Gina was exhausted.

But how could she say, “”No” and mean it. And not feel guilty about it.

Gina declared herself a drama/chaos-free zone.

She made that more palatable by saying her doctor required her to have no drama or chaos for six months. Of course, that didn’t stop her mother or that daughter. They’d never cared what Gina thought or wanted. They demanded she help them the way they wanted.

Gina used the scripts she’d prepared.

“That’s a real problem. Sorry, I can’t help this time. When you’ve solved it, we can get together for coffee. Doctor’s orders.” And she hung up.

She had to restrain herself from immediately calling back and suggesting solutions and then doing what they wanted. She had to restrain her fear and guilt that her mother would die of neglect. She didn’t. She had to live with her fear that something horrible would happen to that daughter or her daughter would be even nastier and keep the grandchildren from her. But her daughter needed her and wouldn’t kill the cow she thought might give milk later.

Gina had to resist their bullying and manipulation.

Her mother and her daughter attacked her. They called her names; they threatened her. Then they tried getting the rest of the family involved to force her into returning to her old behavior. Gina kept smiling and saying, “No,” sweetly. She never explained why she was so mean and selfish.

Gina had to resist her inner bully.

“You’re being cold and uncaring. Our main job is to be forgiving and available to help others. You won’t be loved by God. You’re guilty of a grave sin.” Gina also had scripts to argue with that voice. Then she focused her whole energy and attention on other activities she’d planned. After a while her guilt subsided.

Of course they kept trying but the doctor-required, drama/chaos-free zone kept getting extended.

After a long time, when Gina seemed to feel no guilt and was steady on her course, she noticed her mother and that daughter had found other people to fill their needs. She’d hoped they’d change their bullying and narcissism but the chose the easy path.

And Gina got the result she wanted: a drama/chaos-free life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists repel people who want to be with you

Ella realized her husband had prevented her from being with people she wanted to be with. She’d finally found out he’d been overt and covert about driving her friends away. He’d ordered them not to come around or he’d lied, saying she’d said bad things about them or he wouldn’t allow her be with them. If she had fun talking with them, he’d retaliated. He’d told her bad things about them and pointed out when they’d treated her badly and she hadn’t even noticed. She was amazed how he could understand what was behind seemingly innocuous things they said or did. Funny, she never noticed at the time.

Bullies, narcissists actively keep people away from you.

The examples Ella found were the common and obvious. He was isolating her. He’d gotten away with it because he wouldn’t accept Ella’s proofs, he always had good excuses and Ella wanted to keep him happy. Why start fights? Why force him to be with people who he said insulted her or offended him? As she became isolated, she became dependent.

Bullies, narcissists repel people who want to be with you.

Then Ella realized that even new people she’d met, who seemed to like her, kept a distance or withdrew from her. Finally she saw she was facing a natural process. As long as she was with him, she’d never find people who’d want to spend time with her.

When she asked, the more straight-forward ones, who’d seemed to have a connection with her, told her the truth. Some didn’t want to expose themselves to the black cloud they sensed around her. Others said as soon as she told them about him, they recognized a rotten apple. He was bullying and abusive; he always made her leave in the middle of fun to attend to him. He controlled her, he’d try to control them. He was always right and had to be worshipped as the center of everyone’s world. They didn’t want to be around that.

One rotten apple will spoil a whole barrel.

They told Ella it was like she was carrying an infectious disease. She was ravaged and exhausted. Who wants to be exposed to that? Or they could see she was tormented; wrestling with what she intuited about him versus her guilt about judging someone too harshly and her need to rescue him. He was whipping her and sucking her energy. Who wants to be drawn into that movie? Or they could see being with her would be like being in one of those movies with the worst, extended-family Christmas ever. The negativity, nasty comments, hurt feelings, criticizing, arguing, yelling, backstabbing, one-upping would drive them crazy. Who wants to waste their time in that?

Ella was finally motivated. She felt she prepared a wonderful meal for wonderful friends but he was sitting in all the chairs around the table. And he felt justified. Who wants to be invited when all the chairs are taken? No matter how wonderful Ella was, and they said she was, there was no room for anyone else in his inn.

Ella realized she’d allowed this to happen to her before.

In the past, she’d struggled but finally gotten away. This time she realized he wanted many children. If she did that, she be trapped forever. Or at least, the degree of difficulty of getting away would be much greater. She’d have more responsibility and she’d have to fight with him over the kids for the next 20 years.

That thought gave her the courage, strength and determination to go against her upbringing and his arguments. Even though she felt attracted to his flame and she couldn’t prove to his satisfaction he was trying to enslave her, she followed her gut and got free.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don’t be a bully, narcissist magnet

Darla asked with a whine, “Am I a magnet for bullies and narcissists?”

The answer was, “Yes.”

Darla had been trained by her parents to be a good girl, a nice person whose job was to make people happy so they’d like her, treat her kindly and she’d get into heaven. Her husband had reinforced those beliefs. Darla had served him well for years. Two of her three adult children had chosen to follow his example. They saw who got his way and who got to serve. So they decided to win. Many of Darla’s friends and neighbors rapidly saw her acceptance of disdainful treatment and control, and her willingness to serve without reciprocal caring. So they chose to take advantage of her.

Bullies and Narcissists have mastered the skill of recognizing victims.

Victims are targets who won’t resist effectively. Like predators surveying a herd to find the weak ones, human bullies and narcissists also seek the ones who won’t resist. When they’re not sure, they probe the herd to find out who’s weak. They preyed on Darla because couldn’t or wouldn’t run away and she didn’t know how to resist. She became a bully-magnet

A better question for Darla was: “What do I do that makes bullies and narcissists think they can get away with bullying and abusing me?”

Darla’s original question came from her thinking there was something defective in her genetics or character or she’d actually behaved very badly. The better question assumes she hadn’t done anything particularly bad and can change her behavior to stop attracting bullies, narcissists. In fact, it assumes that when she learns what she needs to know, bullies and narcissists will run the other way or she’ll brush them off like lint, naturally, automatically and easily.

Finally Darla got so angry something inside her snapped.

Intellectually, Darla readily accepted her old victim-patterns but at the thought of actually resisting, she chose discomfort and fear. She didn’t want to make them angry; if they got angry, her life would be ruined. She saw the many excuses she’d used for not having consequences her oppressors would get angry at. The magic moment for Darla was when she got enraged at her husband for turning the children to his evil ways. That was too much.

Connecting that moment to all the other times he’d been critical, negative, abusive, bullying, selfish and uncaring made something so huge, Darla couldn’t ignore it any more. Her anger motivated her to stop him or die trying.

A miracle happened for Darla; her resistance spread into the rest of her life.

She’d become determined and disciplined. Her well-trained guilt and sense of politeness were no longer enough to hold her back. She became very firm, clear and outspoken. Her husband, those two children and the particular friends and neighbors who’d used and abused her were taken aback. They continued to probe for weakness, hesitation and self-doubt, but Darla didn’t have any. She was willing to fight for what was right.

When Darla was successful, she didn’t need to be driven by anger any more. She was no longer a magnet for bullies and narcissists; she repelled them naturally.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Sneaky bullies, narcissists control subject of talking

Clara eventually realized that her husband always took control of what they were talking about. Whenever she protested about his bullying or abuse, he changed the subject. She followed his arguments and never got back to what she wanted to talk about.

One tactic of sneaky bullies, narcissists is to focus your attention on the subject they want; they attack, you defend.

They that tactic use to gain power and control. Every time Clara said she didn’t like what he said or did to her, he didn’t answer about what he’d done. Instead, he attacked her. He said things like, “You don’t love me” or “It’s always your way or the highway” or “You’re rejecting me” or “You ruin everything” or “You’re trying to control me” or “You’re too sensitive and demanding” or “You did that three years ago to me” or “You’re trying to bully me.”

When Clara started defending herself, he made more charges.

It was endless. The more she defended herself, the more he attacked. If she was successful defending one charge, he changed the subject. She followed his attacks and never got back to her original objection. Clara felt like she was on trial, with a hostile prosecutor, judge and jury.

Don’t give bullies, narcissists control of the subject.

Don’t defend yourself, don’t debate, don’t argue. At first, Clara tried to keep him on the track she wanted by writing down her subject, listing his subjects afterward and repeatedly saying, “We’ll talk about what you want after we’ve talked about my subject.” But her husband was relentless in changing the subject. Then he got angry, threw a temper tantrum and stormed off.

When he’d calmed down, sometimes after a few days’ silent-treatment, he acted like nothing had happened. If she brought up her original complaint, he called her dirty words and said she was ruining their happiness by throwing up ancient history he’d forgiven her for.

She tried stopping defending herself and tried attacking him. That slowed him for a minute but then he ignored what she said and attacked her louder and faster.

Clara decided to believe what she believed and act the way she wanted.

She’d tried to drag him to couples counseling but that never worked. Finally she told him she’d decided he was an abusive, bullying narcissist. She didn’t need him to accept or agree that he was. He called her the same.

She said, “Why should I stay with someone who treats me like that?” He said she was at fault, she was the guilty person. The Elders at Church agreed with him. He suffered her only because he was the more spiritual person and could forgive her for her sins.

She made plans in secret to get away.

When she started separating from him, he acted all lovey-dovey. But she’d seen that many times before. She told him she was making distance and she’d see how long the love-bombing would last before she considered letting him court her once again.

He turned angry and abusive. And that was the end of that.

Clara was no longer on trial to decide if she was a good enough person.

For the first time in her life, she felt free; she was in charge of herself.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Am I bullying if I tell bullies, narcissists to stop?

Betty was stuck. Both her husband and one teenage son were narcissistic, abusive bullies. They called her a bully when she told them to stop bullying her. She never wanted to be a bully in order to get her way.

Betty’s husband never listened to her opinion. He told her he ruled her and her opinion didn’t matter. He criticized her in public, controlled all the money and ordered her to do what he wanted whenever he wanted. A few times he even raped her when she was so angry she said, “No,” to his demands for sex.

That son demanded she serve his every desire. When she didn’t act fast enough, he yelled and cursed her in public, and threw tantrums in which he broke her most precious objects. She felt guilty and shamed when he told her she was a lousy mother and if he had problems, they were all her fault for being so cruel to him.

Betty questioned herself relentlessly: “Am I bullying if I tell bullies, narcissists to stop?”

She thought she couldn’t ask them to stop if that meant she was a bully. The more she thought about the question, the more self-doubt descended on her. Her confidence in her own judgment and her self-esteem plummeted.

Betty took a long time to accept that her survival depended on a better question.

The old question had trapped Betty because, using their logic, she couldn’t do what her Spirit was crying out to her to do; “Stop the bullying and abuse!” Finally she decided:

• They were actively bullying and abusing her. She was not bullying them; she was merely protesting, and protecting and defending herself.

• They wanted no consequences for their actions. They wanted to get away with tormenting her.

Betty decided she was not going to demand they do what she wanted. She was going to tell them the consequences if they didn’t stop and then she’d act.

That simplified everything for her. She asked herself, “What behavior will I allow on my body and in my personal space?” That question opened up Betty’s future. Now, she had a vote in her life. Now, she could see the possibility of being well-treated. Now her self-doubt was gone. Now, she felt free from oppression.

Of course, Betty began tentatively. She stopped telling them how much they hurt her. That was no consequence to stop them; they enjoyed her pain and misery. The more she stopped arguing and the more consequences she acted on, the stronger she became. Of course, they protested and tried other tricks to shake her determination.

Of course, the end result with her husband was that Betty divorced him. She wasn’t forcing him to stop his abusive behavior. He could continue bullying someone else.

At first, her son chose his father’s side, but after living with him for a while, he also felt used and abused. He was shocked when he saw Betty not being bothered by their anger toward her and by having a wonderful time without them. Eventually, he was able to treat her as she demanded in order for him to have a relationship with her. But she never let him live with her again.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Self-bullying ruins the holidays

Alice loved and dreaded the holidays. At the same time her spirit soared at a season of loving and giving and peace on earth, she fell into gloom and despair at the hopeless task of trying to please all the bullies and narcissists in her extended family who came to her house.

Self-bullying ruins the holidays.

• Having to please everyone and make everyone feel loved is impossible and self-bullying.

• Having to have everything organized and planned for perfectly, right now is impossible and self-bullying.

• Having to rescue everyone is impossible and self-bullying.

• Having to avoid or rise above all negativity and criticism is impossible and self-bullying.

• Recounting all your faults and failures is self-bullying.

• Self-bullying guarantees exhaustion, burn-out and failure.

Alice knew from her life experience, she would be criticized and picked apart, and be the focus of the venom each member of her extended family brought with them to the holidays. No matter what she did, she’d criticized, bullied and abused. She’d be damned if she did something and damned if she didn’t. She could never explain or defend herself. There was no way she could win.

Self-bullying is a lousy motivation strategy.

Alice had been well-trained and accepted her role of being the people-pleaser. She carried the guilt of never being perfect. When she was young, her self-bullying motivated her to do better, do more, strive to be perfect. The self-bullying strategy had been a useful motivator even though it hurt.

But now, it defeated her. It set up impossible tasks and then sapped her determination, strength and courage. She was always worried and distracted, so focused on herself she could never give her best. She was the monkey on her own back.

Alice gave up all the impossible tasks.

She got off her own back. She did her usual wonderful holiday festival for everyone. She smiled and radiated good cheer. But now, when anyone complained, she didn’t suffer and try to apologize, defend or rise above. With a smile, she calmly, firmly and loudly shot back at them.

Publically she said things like:

• “Poor baby. Stop throwing a temper tantrum when you don’t get what you want. Nothing is ever good enough for you. You enjoy complaining so much, I stopped caring what you think.”

• “No one could love you as much as you want. I’ve stopped trying. Comparisons and jealousy are a great way for you to beat people into giving you more. It’s part of what drives people away from you.”

• “Stop whining, complaining and acting like a “Professional Victim.” No one can make your life better until you do the hard work of making better decisions and struggling to succeed. We can’t rescue you from yourself. I’ve stopped meddling in your life.”

• “You think you know best and you’re righteous about everything. Who cares? It’s really boring to listen to you hour after hour. Pretty soon people will stop inviting you because you’re simply not fun.”

• “Actually, I like the amount of effort I put out and the results. I’m satisfied. If you’re not, you have a problem you’ll have to fix yourself. Good luck.”

Since words don’t set boundaries with bullies and narcissists, how was this time different for Alice?

Alice was different. She really didn’t care if they were happy or not, if they stormed off or if she had to throw them out. She was making a scene in public and she was unapologetic. They thought she’d really call 911 if they threw a fit. She radiated strength and determination. Bullies and narcissists are attuned to that level of determination and grit. Sometimes they think you’re bluffing and they call the bluff. This time most believed Alice’s commitment to herself.

Two miracles happened:

• Most people stopped being critical, demanding and obnoxious. They were afraid of the attention focused on them by Alice. They didn’t want the spotlight shone on them that way.

• Alice started enjoying herself. She said she felt a giant burden lifted from her shoulders. She actually enjoyed weeding through the extended family to see who she wanted to keep.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: Moments of truth at the holidays

Zina had read enough internet articles to have names for what would happen during the holidays, as it had for as long as she could remember. The bullies and narcissists in her extended family would act out – they’d be critical, mean and nasty, and pretend they were only joking; they’d be gas-lighting; they’d use power overtly; they’d organize flying monkeys.

Her parents would demand that everything be done the way they wanted; even if she did they’d call her disrespectful; the loser child; the one they wished they’d never had; the one they’d cut out of their will. Then they’d relent because they were good, long-suffering people.

Some of the aunts and uncles would get drunk and make inappropriate, sexist comments about the good looking teenage granddaughters. They’d pile on racist and religious comments in all directions. They’d support each other.

Her husband and son would argue and step outside to fight, her daughter-in-law would claim that they should inherit everything, one of her daughters would claim Zina favored the other and, therefore, Zina would never see her grandchildren again. It was chaos and torture labeled as “family.”

Bullies, narcissists forced Zina to face moments of truth during the holidays.

Often, we gather together out of duty and responsibility with people we love but barely like. And they act the way they always have. And we feel like we’re going to explode.

Zina was so frustrated. Over the years all her dreams had been shattered. Not only did she not want to cook for these people, she didn’t even want to spend the holidays with them. She wanted peace and calm, she wanted generous people who cared. She had none of these.

Every year she’d promise herself she’d speak up and then do something. Her values demanded she act. She’d told her children when they were growing up that they should not tolerate bullies and narcissists. But she always held herself back. She’d always run from her moments of truth.

If Zina spoke up she’d be breaking the family.

She’d held herself back because she thought it wouldn’t do any good and if she spoke up she’d be offending many people. Who was she to offend them? If she did, who would take care of her when she was old? If she did she’d be alone.

But this was not the family she wanted. This family dragged her Spirit into the mud and stepped on it.

Everyone had told Zina to rise above it.

If she ever looked hurt or upset, they said she was too sensitive; not understanding and compassionate enough; not loving, caring and giving enough, especially during the holidays. She was arrogant and selfish. She should feel guilty and become a better person. Who was she to put her opinions above the rest of the family?

This year, Zina decided her values and standards were the most important things to her.

She would not let her Spirit be eroded. Her values were more important than the names of the particular relationships, than the pretend family. She would start caring for her Spirit more than their feelings. She knew she was a good person and gave a lot.

She’d hesitated because she was sure they wouldn’t change. Now she decided, while she hoped they would change, that wasn’t most important to her. Most important was stopping people from polluting her life; most important was creating the space she felt truly at home in.

She planned what to say to who about what. She wrote her responses on 3 x 56 cards so she could deliver them calmly and with caring. If bullies and narcissists got insulted and left, that was their problem. She would not apologize.

Being brave and strong in her moments of truth made Zina powerful.

She felt like a coward every time she forced herself to keep silent. All her talking about being Spiritual, about living an honorable life came to a head in these moments. They were moments that showed the truth about what she believed. Would she act or would she be just a passive spectator of her own life?

Zina decided she didn’t need their permission or approval to speak and act.

She didn’t need to be empowered by them. Her Spirit mattered to her. She spoke clear and firm.

She was surprised when many people in the family spoke up in support of her. Many people looked at her with respect and admiration. She saw that the bullies and narcissists were actually small in number. But no one else was willing to risk themselves by speaking.

She became a leader in the family. She started a process of weeding out the toxic, emotional polluters from her family. Only a few resisted and they were soon isolated by all the rest. Holidays became a respite and a treat.

Zina did break the fake family and become part of a family she wanted to be with. And her Spirit soared.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.