Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #7: Transformation

When our narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, toxic adult children have estranged themselves from us, the way ahead is painful but our choices are clear:

1. Wallow forever (the next 20-30-40-50 years) in the excruciating pain and loss of our life’s center.
2. A miracle through time, their life-experience and our prayers brings them back, either through talking it out or because we’ll never talk about it – but there’s a reconciliation and a gradual re-connection, especially with our grandchildren.
3. We are transformed and healed; we never get over but we do get through pain and loss and grief, and emerge a different person, ready to find happiness and joy in the world as it is for us.

Transformation is the miracle that has been wrought in our own lives.
We let go of our old ways of being – old rules, roles, beliefs, fears, hopes and dreams.  We are transformed spiritually into new beings, we are reborn into a new way of being.  We become people who let go of the old center of life that caused tremendous pain and anguish, and we become newly born with a new center.

We stop taking the blame for past mistakes and failures; we stop trying to convince those toxic children we love them; we stop trying to patch the holes in their emotional buckets.  We say, “Grow up.  Aspire to be wonderful adults.  And I’m not going on that emotional roller coaster with you anymore.”

We withdraw our energy from toxic people who return our love and caring with their anger, vindictiveness and scorn.  We stop worrying and obsessing on them.  We leave them and wish them well.  We take our love and caring to people to return it with their own appreciation, respect and love.  This new way of being in the world goes against the old way – centered only on blood.

We give to children in cancer wards; we give to veterans in hospitals and rehab centers; we give to those who receive with grace and gratitude our love, compassion and mercy.  We give to ourselves the gifts of love and peace and joy, of participating in a world with people who want us.

Of course it’s hard; being reshaped in the fire of loss and pain is always hard; going on a new adventure with new difficulties is always hard.  So what?

“Every journey starts with fear.” Jake Gyllenhall

By the way, in my experience, helping hundreds of people, this last approach – transformation – is the best and fastest way to obtain reconciliation.  
Those toxic bullies know we’ve let go of our end of the fight and of the pain they caused us by dumping us.  We’ve moved on to have a life filled with joy.  We’ve estranged or dumped them.  It’s as if they read the “vibes” (yes, I’m that old), sense the shift and don’t want to be estranged by us.  They are stimulated to return and reconcile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #6: Saying, "Enough!"

In that temporary recovery phase – where we recover from the total destruction of our hopes and dreams because our adult children have turned out to be narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, losers – there’s a point at which we simply give up trying to straighten out their personalities, we stop trying to explain and educate, we stop trying to bribe them with one more kindness or gift in hopes they’ll finally appreciate and love us.

We say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”
I won’t let them torture my heart any more.

We still love them but now we admit we don’t like their personality.  And we’re so exhausted because of the beatings and being jerked around, that we simply give up trying to rehabilitate them.  Not our job anymore.  Let them learn the hard way.  Let the world teach them the price of being rotten jerks.

At that point we can heave a great sigh of relief that an incredible burden has been lifted from our shoulders.  We’re done with all that.  They’re adults and they’re on their own.

We’ve all had prior experience of letting go and moving on – no matter how painful at the moment.
Deep inside we all know how to do that.  For example: We ripped off a Band-Aid; we took out a splinter and cleaned the wound; we had a pre-cancerous growth removed from the back of our arms.  We grew up and stopped desperately wanting a toy or gadget or fashion item we thought we couldn’t live without; we stopped bearing the whole burden of reconciliation with friends who turned out to be false; we got divorced.  And we found freedom and healing.

Deep inside we know how to do that.  Now we stop making excuses about why this situation is different and we simply say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”

I’m done with:

• Worrying and obsessing about the perfect or right or acceptable thing to say or do.
• Putting out all the effort to be nice.
• Making their feelings the center of my life and never getting my feelings taken care of.
• Begging and bribing them, to throw me a crumb.
• Being satisfied with one semi-nice thing when there’s been a hundred stabbings and clubbing.
• Worrying what other people might think.
• Giving up on him/her.

Then we find we’re back in charge of the second most important set of decision in life: What do we pay attention to?  What will we focus on?
Think of all the time and calories we wasted paying attention to them, long after it was necessary – thinking about them, worrying what to say and do, obsessing on every hidden meaning or interpretation, dreading the next manipulation or attack.  What a waste of time and energy.  Maybe good only if we want to make that our weight-loss program.  But, really, not a good idea.

Then we gain freedom to focus on life again – on remembering what we used to love to do, what we did that gave us real pleasure and joy, on reconnecting with the sources that fill our emotional and spiritual gas tanks.  We can step back and have lots of flexibility in how we deal with them, given that we’re not going to waste time obsessing on what’s the best or right or perfect thing to do that might bring them back.

That’s the start of the ascent out of the pit of hell and into the light of the rest of our wonderful lives.  If anyone asks how we can be sure they’ll never change, we can laugh and joyously say that’s a silly and irrelevant question.  Of course, there’s always hope, but the real question is what am I going to do right now to have a wonderful time?  The reason to stop thinking about them (or to start thinking about them less and less) is that we want to.  That’s more than enough reason.  Simple and clear.

And we’ll respond to what those bullies do when we get there.  We don’t have to worry about that distant future.  “The chain of destiny should be grasped one link at a time.” Winston Churchill

And, of course, there are moments when we get our hopes up once again, and the only answer is, “Don’t get sucked into obsessing on hopes, have a fabulous time and we’ll see how long-term any changes are.”

Win the argument by not wasting time and energy on it; by detaching from it; by using the time and energy to create a fabulous life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #5: Recovery

Recovery is the temporary phase where we:

1. Descend into more pain and suffering when we realize that our angry, vindictive, narcissistic, adult children hate us for no good reason and want us around only to enjoy looting everything we have, and bullying, abusing and torturing us.
2. Ascend from the pit of despair into the sunshine of a new life.

The recovery phase (like recovery from other addictions), however long and heart-breaking is temporary; it has an end when we dedicate ourselves to making one.

There are many processes that can help us through the recovery phase and helpers who can make it more swift and less painful.

There is one goal; breathing deep the warm air of a new life full of joy and passion despite the loss.
As Judy Collins said, “There are some things you never get over, but you can get through them.”

There are two groups of people responding differently to any great tragedy.  Take the holocaust for example.  All had lost everything – husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, friends, precious things.  All were broken and faced emptiness and darkness.  One type responded by making the rest of their lives merely existence; life burnt up like a candle of perpetual mourning.  Easy to understand why.

But the other type responded by creating and living new lives, with new connections, with new joys.  Of course they never forgot the old dreams and old loves, but they chose to make new dreams and new loves.  Their candles burn bright with inspiration for us, whose tragedies pale by comparison but are nevertheless ours.  We must choose our lives wisely.

When we start the ascent, we turn away from the life other people trained us for.
We stop being addicted to the life we hoped to have, the life we thought would bring us fulfillment and joy, the life centered on other people who turned out to be not worthy of the pearls we bring, people who would not make joy and great lives with the gifts we bring.

Now, we are long after the time when we rightly centered our lives around the growing seeds of our infants, who would have died without us; long after we had to nurture the tender, growing shoots that were children; even long after they became hardy enough to grow on their own and bear the fruit they freely chose to bear.

Now, we have to turn our backs on that other-focused role and turn toward the future, with us and a joyous life at the center of the future.  Now, the desire for that future is stronger than the yearning for a past that’s gone with the wind.  Now, we yearn for a life full of connection with those who will appreciate and make the most out of the pearls we give them; with those who will bear beautiful fruit when we water them with our love.  These people are the true family of our hearts, minds and spirits.

Before we focus on the external matters of dealing with the wolves or those who want to use us as whipping posts, recovery means that we do the inner work; we make that turning to the future joy that will become the focus or our eyes and hearts; the focus our next 20-30-40-50 years..

We find the inner strength, courage and determination to ascend, no matter what.
We find within ourselves with that fire and steel that is actually at our core, that has always been at the core of all our ancestors who survived the worst that nature and other people could throw at them, the core we inherited, the core that has been their real legacy to us.  

Now, we become the heroes and heroines of our lives.  Who else is better qualified?
There are many processes we can use but only one goal: Life!  Our wonderful futures are calling our names.  Listen.  “Come out from the darkness.  Come into the light.  Come into the warmth of love and joy returned.”  Now, we can deal with the external arrangements we need to make about these ingrates and predators.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #4: Can we reconcile?

Good parents whose angry, vindictive, narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged, feel crushed and heart-broken.

They’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept blame, guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

They’re negative and hypercritical.  They misinterpret everything we do and give themselves reasons they think are good enough to justify their anger and rage.  They always have reasons and justifications to bully and abuse us.  They blow up and throw temper tantrums.  They’re always right and we’re always wrong.  Or when we’re right, it doesn’t really count.

Can we ever reconcile?
Yes.  But there’s a big “but.”  I’ve never seen success with the typical way we all try to build bridges or keep the door open.  Some of the ways that do not bring them back are to keep:

1. Giving them what they want in hopes they’ll know we love them and the door is always open so that, by some miracle, one day they’ll wake up transformed into decent, loving, caring adults with great character.
2. Trying to educate, explain and teach what’s right.  They don’t have the same standards of right and wrong that we do.  And they don’t want to learn ours.
3. Arguing about who did what.  Argue that they’re misinterpreting, that their feelings are way out of proportion, or debate or reason with their emotions.
4. Bribing them by giving them gifts and money.  Appease them by accepting blame and guilt so they can beat us even more.
5. Begging or pleading with them to treat us decently, without any real consequences for criticism, name-calling, cursing, wishing us dead or physical violence.  Words – polite asking or threats – without consequences are begging.
6. Thinking that if they see us suffer enough, they’ll become nice to us.

These methods have zero chance of succeeding.  

You can’t reconcile with predators.
You’ve tried everything you could think of – you’ve tried minimizing, ignoring, explaining, reasoning, accepting blame, begging, bribing, threatening – but it hasn’t worked.  Again, not your fault.  They don’t want to reconcile.  Period.  

“Reconcile” is not in their vocabulary.  Winning, eating your flesh, drinking your blood, draining your resources and discarding you – those are in their vocabulary.  They are predators.

How can you reconcile with a hungry wolf, shark or energy vampire?  They want to devour you.  Period.

They won’t forgive.
They might pretend for a while in order to get what they want, but as soon as they have it, they start tormenting us again.

Bullies, abusers and predators misinterpret our kind, caring, moral gestures as weakness.  They think we’re easy prey and they go after us even more.  They want to hurt us; they’re happy when they see us suffer.

Ignorance is not the problem.  Education is not the solution.  They think their lives wouldn’t be messed up if we hadn’t harmed them way back when.  They think their criticism, anger and rage are justified now because we did or do something they don’t like.

Trying to change them is like trying to change the weather.  Good luck with that.  Better strategy: when it’s winter, take the necessary precautions.

What is effective?
The only approach I’ve even seen be effective in bringing them and our grandchildren back into our lives is to set clear boundaries with consequences.  They have to pay a price – good behavior – to get close to us.

Not every adult child is strong enough to finally grow up.  However, some chance is better than zero chance the other way.

Many techniques for doing this are the subject of the next article.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #3: Not our fault

Good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged, feel crushed and heart-broken.  The cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

They always have reasons and justifications to bully and abuse us.  They’re always right and we’re always wrong.  Or when we’re right, it doesn’t really count.

They blame us for all their bad feelings and problems in life.  They misinterpret everything we do and give themselves reasons they think are good enough to justify their anger and rage.  They’re negative and hypercritical.  They blow up and throw temper tantrums.

It’s not our fault they’re unhappy or they’ve failed; we didn’t do anything particularly bad to them.
Don’t accept blame, shame and guilt.  We really did nothing so bad.  We did not beat them senseless, we did not torture them, we did not brutalize or enslave them, we did not deprive them of the necessities of life.

Our mistake was to believe the experts of our times.  For decades, our society has had some false beliefs:

1. If you give children what they want, if you make them happy, if you don’t demand high standards of conduct and if you protect them from the consequences of mistakes or failure, they’ll grow up with self-confidence, self-esteem and good character.  They’ll appreciate what they got and they’ll respect their parents.
2. If we felt the sting of not having enough when we were growing up, we should give our children more, we should give them what we didn’t get.
3. If people (our children) are unhappy or unsatisfied or angry, someone (us) must have done something bad to them.
4. If adult children are mean, hateful or failures, they have good reasons and their parents are to blame.

None of these beliefs is true.

For all cultures and in all times I’ve seen, when a society becomes rich and opulent (we really are “first world”) parents indulge their children.  Then many more children grow up feeling entitled to everything they want.  They remain selfish, greedy, narcissistic, arrogant, demanding, blaming and weak children in adult bodies.  They can’t face the real challenges and disappointments in life.  And they exhibit the behaviors we’ve seen and felt.

That’s just the way it is and has always been.

These children have free will and they chose poorly – maybe they chose to follow the selfish bullies they saw growing up in the family instead of your loving, caring, giving example.

What we did wrong.
We gave too much.  When these children grew up they keep expecting us to make their lives work smoothly and if we don’t, they’re enraged.  And if we stop giving them everything they want and if we stop taking all the blame for what they don’t like, they’re enraged.

They’re still throwing little-kid, temper tantrums.  They’re still stamping their feet and screaming, “It’s not fair.  I feel what I feel and it’s your fault.”  Now they’re in control and we’d dance to their demands or else.

Now we’re stuck trying to re-train them when they have the power to deprive us of our greatest pleasures: Being loved by our children and grandchildren.

But there is hope we can take back control of our lives and our futures.  We can forgive ourselves and take back control.  Our future is calling to our spirits.  We must answer the call or our lives will shrivel.  We’ll waste the last 30-40 years that can still be wonderful.  It’s simply a matter of choosing to respond with courage, strength and determination.  And, of course it’s hard.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #2: Worse than death?

Good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged feel crushed and heart-broken.  The cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

It feels worse than if our child had died.
That’s bad enough but at least then it would be over and done.  We’d have more than enough grief wrapping our hearts and minds around that.

But with a toxic, adult child, the hatred and anger, the manipulating and controlling, the bullying and abuse, can go on and on.

Part of what makes it worse is that we keep hoping and we keep approaching to try to reconcile.  Which means we keep getting tormented and brutalized.  Sometimes, they’re nice for a few minutes because they want money or babysitting or the pleasure of destroying our dreams…again.

They haven’t died, although we sometimes secretly think that might make our lives easier and we’d heave a great sigh of relief.

Also it feels worse because our life’s dream has died.
The sun around which our hopes revolved has exploded.  We’ve lost the center we counted on.  We feel like we’re drifting, alone and lost, weighed down by sadness, pain and gut-wrenching grief.

Not only has the dream with one child died, but our whole solar system has been destroyed.

This accurate image tells us what we have to do.  No matter how hard.  No matter how long it takes.  We must put a wonderful, rich, full universe together in order to make life worth living.  We did it before when we were growing up and now we have to do it again, even though we hadn’t planned to.  We must put something at the center of our universe around which we revolve, something so attractive and compelling, it’s worth getting out of bed each morning, something that will bring joy to our hearts and spirits even though there’s been a death in the family.

Remember, in all past generations and societies, every family experienced deaths of children and had to learn to go on.  This may be worse but the same is required of us.

Our future is calling to our spirits.  We must answer the call or our lives will shrivel.  We’ll waste the last 30-40 years that can still be wonderful.  It’s simply a matter of choosing to respond with courage, strength and determination.  And, of course it’s hard.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #1: Will pain stop?

In this series of articles I’m going to talk to and about good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged.  A totally different situation is the good, adult children who need to get far away from narcissistic, toxic, controlling parents.

We feel crushed and heart-broken, the cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

And they’ll change their demands in an instant.  We walk on eggshells so we don’t upset them.  But no matter what we do: we’re condemned if we do, we’re condemned if we don’t.  They always find a way to (mis)interpret our thoughts, words and deeds so they become enraged.  And then they attack us more.

They twist the knife of embarrassment, shame and guilt.  They delight in saying they hate us or they wish we were dead.

This isn’t what we hoped and dreamed about. It’s so unfair.  And it’s not right.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

Will the pain ever end?  No and yes.  
No, the pain never ends; just as it would never end if they’d been killed in a freak accident.  Only this is much worse because it never ends.  They’re always willing to stab us again.

Yes, if we do it right the pain will diminish until we’re able to talk about them without aching.  Yes, the pain will diminish and we’ll start laughing again, we’ll cry with happiness again, we’ll have more and longer times of pleasure and joy without thinking about them, they’ll become less important in our lives.

That may sound weird but it’s been true for thousands of other people who also loved their children and cherish their grandchildren.

Getting past the pain is a process.  There are as many processes as there are people in pain, but we can help speed up the process and the heart-damage.  The goal is always the same.  Creating a wonderful, rich and full life; no matter what.  And our lingering hope that we can be reconciled.

Stop thinking, “I’m estranged from my son/daughter.”
Start thinking, “My beloved and wonderful son/daughter has been taken over by a narcissistic, toxic alien and I hate being around him/her.”

That wonderful child you held, that potential you hoped and prayed for has been replaced by a cruel, vicious, bullying, abusive alien.  Or maybe they were always selfish, greedy and demanding, and you couldn’t rescue or save them from themselves.

Start thinking, “I’m giving my toxic son/daughter a time out until they behave better.”
Start calling them, “My TOC/TOD,” because they're in "time out!"

The old way of thinking triggers pain and grief.  The new way reminds you what you’re dealing with and what you want to push away from.  If only you knew how.  And had the strength, courage and determination.

As Judy Collins said about her son, “Some things, you never get over them, but you can get through them.”

To connect with a thousand people in the same situation, go to the Facebook group, "Parents Healing From Estrangement."

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying Boyfriend: Dump him now!

Connie had been down this road many times before and she felt the way she’d always felt: frustrated and angry, defeated and hopeless; she’d never win.

She’d been together with her boyfriend for six months and it seemed they had the same fight every few days.  He’d criticize her or make some nasty remark or he’d be sarcastic and tell her she was dumb, or he’d tell he she’d better do what he wanted or else.

Then she’d argue back and, eventually, she’d blow up and start cursing him.  Then he’d be delighted when he attacked her for cursing, “No nice, caring, spiritual person would curse that way.  She had a real problem with her mouth and she should work on it.  How could he be nice to a person who cursed at him?”

Connie always felt guilty then.  She did want to control her mouth more.  Maybe she wasn’t as good and spiritual as she thought?  Maybe she should do something to make it up to him?

The problem with the relationship was him, not with her finally getting frustrated, angry and cursing.
Yes, Connie did want to stop getting so angry and cursing.  But she finally saw that each time the cycle began with him being negative, critical, controlling, bullying and abusive.  Her problem continued when she tried to get him to stop or she tried to defend herself or she tried to win an argument.

Eventually she’d get so frustrated, she’d curse.  Then that he could change the subject to focus on her cursing.  They’d never talk about his original negative, bullying behavior.  And he’d win.

How could Connie win?

1. She’d never win if winning meant that she had to convince him to admit he was wrong.  No matter how logical and rational she was, no matter how many good arguments she had, he’d never admit defeat.  He’d never let her win the argument.  Why should he.
2. The easiest way for her to win is to stop playing with a jerk.  Dump him immediately.  When Connie was a child, she could never win an argument when her father treated her the same way.  Then she was stuck because, as a child, she couldn’t leave.  But now she was an adult.  She had a job, money, credit cards, a car and friends.  She could leave or she could throw him out, depending on the situation.  And they didn’t have children yet to complicate the situation.
3. Then she could turn her back on him and focus on changing her standards for picking boyfriends.  She could find ones that weren’t controlling bullies.  And she could learn to use her frustration, when she had it, as motivation to find real solutions to her problems.

Connie didn’t have to be perfect according to a toxic bully in order to be treated nicely.

Clear and simple.  Not necessarily easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Victim pattern: Another abusive relationship

Bonnie was distraught.  She’d been explaining to her ex once again how much she didn’t like his calling and harassing her, and how much she didn’t like his new girlfriend calling and cursing and abusing her but they didn’t seem to understand.

She’d talked to the police but they all knew she’d never bring herself to get a restraining order.

Even worse, she’d just gotten over having been stalked, bullied and verbally abused by guys from her four previous relationships.  What was wrong with those guys?  When would it ever end?

She thought, “I didn’t do anything so wrong.  I tried to be so nice.  Why did they keep abusing me?  Didn’t they care?”

Bonnie’s values, rules and roles.
Bonnie thought the most important things were her spiritual attitudes.  Above all, she wanted to be compassionate, loving and forgiving.  She knew those guys were good underneath and if she stayed calm enough and showed them the right way of being and gave them enough chances, eventually they’d become sweet, nice and loving.  They’d stop controlling, criticizing, manipulating and bullying her.  They’d even stop hitting her.  If she was better, the domestic violence would end.

Who Bonnie chose and what she allowed?
Bonnie was drawn to hurt and angry guys.  They seemed to her to need the love they never got enough of when they were younger.  She knew in her heart that she could provide that love and compassion.  Then they’d stop being so full of rage.  Then they’d stop being at war with her and the world.

That way of thinking meant that Bonnie would always be a victim: a victim to her false ideas that put her at the mercy of predators.

They did understand she didn’t like what they did.
That’s why they did it.  Of course the fault is theirs.  But they’re hungry wolves.  What did Bonnie expect?  Their reasons, excuses and justifications were more important to them than her pain.  They thought, “She deserved what they did to her.  It was her fault.  She asked for it.”  Also, it made them feel good, powerful and righteous.

Bonnie said it wasn’t her nature to be mean.
And by “mean,” she meant doing anything they didn’t like or would get them in trouble.  If that’s really her nature, then her real problem was not liking the inevitable consequences of that idea.

With that idea of correct behavior, Bonnie would always be abused and eventually be a martyr.  If her nature was to be sweet and kind while she lived with ravenous wolves, then she would get eaten, piece by piece.  The more she allowed them to abuse or eat her, the more they’d expect her to allow them and the more they’d demand.  In fact, her acceptance of abuse only encouraged them to abuse her more.  That’s what hungry wolves do.  They eat the prey that doesn’t get away.

Bonnie never did anything to get rid of her previous bullies.  She simply moved far away and/or they found easier pickings somewhere else.

Bonnie had to access the rest of her true nature.
Actually, a big part of Bonnie’s whole nature is to protect and defend herself, but she’d turned away from that side of herself because she didn’t like it.  She thought the strong, powerful, courageous and determined side of her would lead her to evil.

Only when she incorporated that side as a functioning part of her, did she take effective steps to get rid of her persecutor.  And to make better choices next time.

She finally understood that, for example, if she’d been born 300 years ago in the same place she would have learned how to protect herself from predators – snakes, wolves, mountain lions or whatever other natural dangers there were – or she would have died young.  Also, she would have learned how to avoid being captured and tortured or enslaved by the neighboring tribe/clan her people had been fighting with for years.

She understood that people like her ex-boyfriend had been tormenting, bullying and abusing people like her since the beginning of time.  Her nature had to rally itself to be smart and powerful enough to stop predators.

Predators like her ex understand only power.  Was she going to learn to speak his language or was she going to suffer the consequences while she tried to teach him her language even though he didn’t want to learn?

Bonnie knew her first task was to protect and defend herself and the life she wanted to live.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Guilt: but you can't save some people

When Jane and Joan met there was an instant bonding because of their tremendous guilt. Jane couldn’t save her husband from his self-destruction while Joan couldn’t save her son from his.

No matter how hard they tried, no matter how many good ideas or money they gave, no matter how many sleepless nights and how much of their lives they sacrificed to focus on those men, no matter how they begged and pleaded, no matter how many resources and supporters they brought in, nothing helped in the end.

So now they were wallowing in guilt: if only they’d done more, given more, sacrificed more maybe it would have made the magical difference.

The huge cost of trying to save people from themselves.

1. Jane lost 20 years of her life as someone’s slave while she hoped he’d finally straighten out.  She endured harassment, negativity, control, bullying, abuse and domestic violence.
2. Joan endured years of criticism, yelling, selfishness, arrogance and lack of caring.  She lost her marriage and her other two children, now adults, always felt slighted and didn’t want to be with her.
3. Both had lost the central focus of their lives and didn’t know how to create a new world that might be rich and full and joyous for the second half of their lives.

Of course we try to save people.  When our kids are little we make them hold our hands crossing the street.  But at some point they have to learn to cross it themselves.  And some of them have to learn some lessons the hard way.  We can’t rescue them from the consequences of their own bad choices.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
Until people start taking consistent, determined action, all the help you throw at them will be rejected.  Only after people show they can overcome hurtles and stay dedicated, can your help, resources and guidance be useful.

Guilt is motivation to do better.
But not necessarily to give more.  Maybe it’s trying to get you to let go of rescuing an adult who eats your flesh and to start taking care of yourself.  The question for both Jane and Joan is: what fills your spirit’s tank?  And how will getting past the guilt help them create new worlds for the rest of their lives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, controlling parents: Old cultures

Some toxic, controlling parents would rather ruin their children’s lives than see them succeed when the children disobey them.

Jay’s father and older brother were old school in their country’s culture.  They represented a view of family in which the father and older siblings were expected to run the younger one’s lives and in which the younger ones must follow their orders – or else.

Jay, at 27, was physically and mentally very capable.  He was qualified to get a job in hi-tech and desperately wanted one.  With his own money, he could move out of the family compound and make his own life.  He could individually chose friends, activities and wife.

Jay reasoned and argued with them for years, but they would never allow him to make his own decisions.  And if he tried, they would ruin him.  If he got a job on his own, they had enough influence in their city to get him fired.  If he disobeyed, he would bring shame to the whole family and break his mother’s heart.  He should feel guilty at the thought of disobeying his father’s commands.  Also, they knew what was best.  He would obey them or else.  

They would not allow him to have any money of his own.  A few times a month, they gave him a little money, but never enough for him to save.

They bullied, abused and controlled his every movement.  If he wanted to go anywhere, he had to tell them where and for how long he’d be gone.  And they checked on him.  He was not allowed to change his plan without their permission.  If he tried to escape, they called the police and had him arrested and brought home.

What could Jay do?

1. Ultimately, Jay had to give in and be a slave to their view of what he should do or he had to fight to the death to get free.  He had to have enough strength, courage and determination to escape slavery or die trying.  He had to accept the possibility that they’d capture him and bring him back.  But he had to keep trying.
2. Jay had to become clever and sneaky.  He had to plan in secret to get a job far away and make a run for it.
3. Jay expected them to pursue him.  It took a number of steps, but he finally found work in a city and then later in a country where they couldn’t use their influence to destroy his life.
4. Jay took the risk.  He was gambling with his future: flee from slavery and risk that he couldn’t make it on his own, without friends or family or their direction.  But the certainty was on the other path: stay controlled and be fed like a pet or a slave the rest of his life; not have a life of his own.

Jay represents hundreds of thousands of people who want a new culture: A culture in which they choose individually what they want and risk themselves trying to make it happen.  Like Jay, they want the freedom to fulfill their own individual destinies or die trying.  And they’re being fought by the old culture that wants to control their lives as long as they live.

As difficult as it was for Jay, it will be much more difficult for his sister.  Her father and older brother will see that she doesn’t get an education so she can’t support herself physically or financially.  She’ll be even more helpless.  Then they’ll choose her husband.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic teenagers: Who pleases who in the family

Jane’s 16 year-old son was clear: “I’ll do what I want, I don’t care about you, if you don’t like it you can’t do anything about it, I’m in charge of myself, I have rights so shut up.”  Actually, he blamed all his problems on her, cursed her more and then shoved her against the wall.”

Jane loved him and up until age 12 he was nicer to her much of the time.  But now he’d turned nasty and dared her to try to stop him.  He was bigger and stronger.  Mostly, he was angrier and hateful.  She didn’t know how to educate him or give him enough of what he wanted so he’d be nice to her.  His behavior was unacceptable.

She did notice that he was capable of controlling himself and even sucking up to people who had power in his life: teachers, rich grandparents, police.

This article is for parents like Jane who have given their children every consideration and advantage, who have given their children what they wanted, who have shown their children kindness and consideration.  This is for good, forgiving, understanding parents who gave their children too many chances

Jane had given her son all the power:

1. He was willing to go to any extreme to get what he wanted.  He didn’t think she’d be willing to do what it would take to stop him.
2. Jane was limited by her kindness, forgiveness and fear.  She didn’t want to ruin his life by calling the police or having him held for a psychiatric evaluation.

Jane realized she had two choices:

1. Give in for three years until he agreed to leave home to go to college or get a job.
2. Go up the staircase of firmness until he showed he what would stop him.

Jane finally realized:

1. The most likely possibility would be his living for free, leaching off her for years and beating her into submission.  It was domestic violence, only worse because it was a battering son not a battering husband.
2. She didn’t want to show him he could be brutal, selfish and narcissistic, bullying and abusive to her or any other woman.

She developed strength, courage and determination; he’d change his behavior or she’d get him out of her house and life.

1. She told him that now he was 16, only performance counted; not potential or promises.
2. She told him that the way he could earn privileges, like having his feelings and wishes counted, was by making good choices and showing good behavior.  As long as he was negative, hostile, angry, bullying and abusive, she’d think of him as a child throwing temper tantrums or having hissy fits.  She’d know she’d have to make every decision for him.  He’d get no privacy nor a vote on anything.
3. She told him that since he never accepted a code of caring and kindness to her, since the only thing he listened to was power, she’d use power.
4. When he ranted and raved at her and said she’d ruined his life, she said, “What have you done with the gifts you’ve been given?  How have you proven you’re worthy of respect or treats?  What have you done to deserve being listened to?”
5. She told him that it was a choice.  He could take charge of himself or sink to his lowest and most selfish.  But she knew he could do better.  There was nothing wrong with him.

Her repeated refrain became, “Make good choices.”

Of course, he didn’t believe she’d follow through, so he rebelled and treated her worse.  Then she called the police and social services.  She said, “I can lead you to water but I can’t make you drink.  However, I can protect my life from a predator and if that ruins your life and future, so be it.”  The calmer and stronger she got, the more he became convinced he’d have to behave or else.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

A toxic, controlling,"crazy" person in the family

Jack’s sister brought a toxic, controlling, “crazy” person into the family – her new husband.

I’m using the term “crazy” loosely because we use it to describe someone who has to have his own way all the time, who had to be the center of loving attention all the time, who controlled her and wanted to control everyone else.

If his sister’s husband didn’t get what he wanted, he threw temper tantrums in public.  He yelled, cursed, threatened and then stormed off.  He’s hyper-sensitive; if he got his feelings hurt, he blamed everyone else and he exploded.  He’d done that all his life.  He controlled his birth family and he was trying to take over Jack’s.

Of course, many of us are born into families that already have such tyrants in them.  Even harder to detect are the manipulative, sneaky controllers.

These people are spoiled brats whose only approach is to try to beat the world into submission to get what they want…immediately.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

Most people don’t want to confront these people so they use some of the “Nine Tactics that Don’t Stop Bullies.”  For example, in Jack’s family:

1. They minimized, excused, explained and tried to overlook the behavior.  They pretended it wasn’t so bad and that he had some reasons for being so rude, abusive and bullying.  “Don’t make a big deal out of it; ignore it; it’s your sister’s husband; he’s family now.”  
2. They begged and bribed him to be nice.  Which, of course, let him know that he had power, and encouraged him to try to get more or he’d be upset.
3. They turned on everyone else to negotiate, be understanding, compromise and make apologies in hopes that they could buy a little bit of civil, polite behavior.  “He’s never going to change so we have to give in for the sake of ‘family’ and to protect your sister.”  But, of course, he never had to be understanding, compromise or apologize.
4. They refused to admit that such craziness could exist; “certainly not in our family.”  Therefore, if her husband was angry, it was Jack’s fault and he’d better smooth things over.  Deep down, the rest of the family knew his sister’s husband wouldn’t change and they were afraid of breaking up their image of family.  They’d give in because they’d never make a scene in public.

Ultimately Jack’s sister must decide to confront and stop the behavior.  When she does, Jack can support her.  But until she did, any time Jack tried to reach out to her, she rejected it.  She blamed Jack; it was his fault her husband was upset.

Jack saw that people like his sister’s husband are like an infectious disease that would destroy the whole family if it wasn’t checked – think Ebola, HIV, plague.  There is no co-existence with such poisons.  They must be quarantined and destroyed.

Jack wouldn’t accept such verbal beatings and guilt-trips.  He wanted to protect himself, his wife and his children from such manipulation, control and verbal beatings.  He wanted his children to see that bullying, temper tantrums and hissy-fits are not good ways of acting or successful ways to get what they wanted.  So he wouldn’t back down.  He spoke calmly and openly about such childish behavior.  He would not expose himself or his family to that bullying.  He became the protector and defender of his own kingdom.

It wasn’t easy but Jack’s stubbornness and unwillingness to debate or back down changed the whole family dynamic.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Selfish, bullying teenagers in charge

Jane’s 16 year-old son had the power in their home.

He did whatever he wanted at the moment; he never cleaned his room, did his laundry, washed dishes or picked his stuff up from the living room.  After Jane allowed him to get away with that and more, he started telling her he hated her cooking, especially when she made a lot of effort, she was a rotten mother and she’d caused all the problems he had.  Then he broke her favorite lamps and vase, and kicked a hole in one of the walls.  Then he shoved her and slapped her.

Jane and her husband had never done anything particularly bad to their son.  In fact they’d given him everything he’d wanted.  He’d been a wonderful child, except for occasional tantrums until he’d become 15.

Jane didn’t know what to do, but she’d never allow her husband to discipline their son.

Jane wailed, “Is it too much to ask him to be nice once in a while?”

That was Jane’s problem.  She limited herself to begging their son to be nice to her.  There were never any consequences for her son’s tantrums, bullying, abuse or violence.

Why did her son treat her that way?  Every situation in unique but there are some typical reasons:

1. Jane and her husband had abused their son and his present behavior was payback.  Or Jane had not protected him from trauma when he was younger and he was now paying her back.  This was not the case.
2. Something was mentally or psychologically wrong with their son – sociopath or psychopath?  This was probably not the case since he could be charming in public and was a model student, academically and behaviorally.
3. He knew he could get away with doing anything he wanted so he vented his worst feelings on Jane.  He was too lazy and uncaring to make himself be better.

Why didn’t Jane stop their son?  Why didn’t her husband stop their son despite Jane’s commands forbidding him?  Again, every situation is unique but there are some typical possibilities:

1. Jane didn’t want to go to lengths she thought were extreme, like calling the police when damaged the furniture or he hit her.
2. Jane didn’t want to ruin their son’s future by giving him a psychological or a police record.
3. Jane was afraid if she did anything strong to stop their son, he’d run away and ruin his life.
4. Jane hoped that, magically, one day her son would wake up and be the wonderful person she’d hoped he would be.  She believed that if she gave him enough or loved him unconditionally and completely, her son would become a wonderful person.
5. Jane’s parents had either ignored and deprived her, or punished and abused her, and she’d decided to be a totally caring, giving and forgiving parent.
6. Jane’s husband loved her and didn’t want to risk being the focus of her wrath.  He figured he’d endure for a few years more until the boy left home and then he’d be rid of him.

What can Jane and her husband do?  Again, every situation is unique but there are some typical possibilities:

1. Jane can continue giving in to the selfish, entitled monster she encouraged and enabled.  I’ve never seen this approach change these horrible teenagers.
2. Jane can start applying consequences.  Her approach was that their son had to please them in order to get anything he wanted or to avoid the police.  Any nastiness or violence would have strict consequences.  If their son escalated, they’d call the police.  And they would be thrilled at being in charge again.  They were challenging their son to develop self-control and self-discipline, to take charge of his behavior or to fail.  If he ran away, he could blame them but they wouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed.  They’d be heartbroken because he was a failure but they’d have a wonderful time together.  This is the only approach I’ve ever seen work.  And it did with Jane’s son.

Basically, Jane put burden of proof on their son.  She kept asking him, “What have you produced, earned, deserved?  What have you done with the gifts that have been given you?”  And she kept encouraging him by telling him he was too old to continue being a narcissistic, spoiled brat and she was sure he could take charge of himself.  .

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Surviving childhood trauma; making a better life

Bob had a horrible childhood.  His parents were brutal, rage-filled alcoholics.  Nothing Bob ever did was good enough; he could never please them.  They bullied, manipulated and abused him and his siblings mentally, emotionally and physically.  They were negative and critical.  His older siblings did the same to him.

Bob struggled and fought against his tormentors and he succeeded.  He grew up, got a job, left home and cursed them all with his parting breath.  But Bob carried them in him the rest of his life.  He became negative, sarcastic and critical.  He enjoyed being righteous and full of rage.  His tirades could go on all day.  He hated, scorned and abandoned his children and grandchildren.  His third wife couldn’t remember a time he was happy for more than thirty minutes.  He acted just like his parents.

Laurie also had a traumatic childhood.  She was raped and beaten by a stranger when she was tiny and had many physical consequences.  She didn’t remember what had happened but she grew up feeling different; damaged, unworthy and sinful, as if God was tormenting her throughout life for some reason she never knew.  But she knew it must be because she was bad or defective.  She felt guilty and ashamed.  She knew there was something wrong with her and she hated herself.

In middle age both Bob and Laurie were confronted with a difficult choice: Continue succeeding in life as they had been or start growing in a different direction.

Bob’s third wife said she couldn’t stand him anymore; she was leaving.  Bob knew he was right; she wasn’t good enough, just like the other two.  He was acting just like he’d learned when he grew up and it had make him successful.  She could take it or leave it.  He didn’t care.

Laurie, on the other hand, knew she wasn’t worthy when her boss promoted her and when a friend proposed to her.  She was going to say “No” to both offers.  She knew that if she allowed herself to be happy, she’d soon be exposed as defective and disaster would follow.

But something inside Laurie kept nagging at her.  At first it was the questions: “What am I here for?  What’s my place in the world?”  Then the questions became: “What place do I want to make for myself?  How do I want to live every day that would be wonderful?”

Laurie decided to answer those incessant questions by turning away from her old path of fear, self-doubt and self-loathing.  Instead, she set off on a path outward; away from a focus on herself and toward whatever seem wonderful, joyous and full of promise.

At first, she had to struggle against old beliefs, fears, rules and roles but she succeeded; she blossomed – but that’s another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Loss, death, grief, depression and recovery

Jane retired from a long-term career and her last parent died at approximately the same time.  Her whole world became different.  Even though she’d prepared a long time for both events, she felt disoriented and alone; she didn’t know who she was any more.

We often feel the same bewilderment and grief when dreams are destroyed: we realize we married the wrong person, we finally divorce a bullying husband or wife, our children move far away, one of our children hates us, death of a child, a best friend turns hateful, we leave the culture we grew up in and make new rules and roles for our new family’s life.

Jane had family and friends but nothing altered the disorientation and emptiness she felt.  And it wouldn’t go away.

Of course these big life changes are disorientating and, of course, we feel loss, grief, depression, anxiety and disorientation.  And sometimes, guilt.  We need time before we can create another life for ourselves because that’s exactly what is happening – the creation of a new life in a new world.

Think of it this way: we live in a mental and emotional solar system as a planet revolving around the gravitational field of the sun we’ve put in the center of that system.  When we’re young we usually put our parents in that gravitational center – for better or for worse.  As we grow older we revolve around husbands, wives, children, careers and, especially, dreams of how things will be.

And when the sun is removed from the center of our solar system, even if by our own choice, we are cast adrift.  We wander in typical ways until we create a new solar system, with strong gravitational forces that keep us in a new orbit.

Notice the difference between the goal and the many possible processes and paths we use to get there.  The goal is a new life, a new solar system, a new sun around which we and our lives will revolve.  If there’s no compelling center in our solar system, no strong gravitational force, we can fly off in any direction and get lost in outer (or inner) space.

There are as many processes as there are people – some shorter and some longer than others, some easier and some harder.

A suggestion for the goal: put at the center of your solar system a wonderful future with you as the person you want to be.  Now that you’re an adult, you have the opportunity to use all the wisdom you’ve gathered all these years.  You probably have the scars to prove it.

Think:

1. How to you want to feel every day, every moment – wonder, awe, joy; alive?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.
2. What do you want to think about (and what don’t you want to waste your time on)?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.
3. What do you want to do?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.

It’s simple and clear.  Just not easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Take power: Bullying husbands won't empower you

Alice kept trying to get her negative, critical, bullying, abusive husband to empower her.  She wanted him to admit that she was logical, reasonable and had good ideas.  She wanted him to listen to her feelings.  But that’s never going to happen.

He wouldn’t give her the victory.
He would always argue better than she could.  He’d rant forever about the smallest things.  He seemed to love being angry.  He always found examples of when she was too stupid or wrong or bad.  He was routinely critical, sarcastic and demeaning.  He claimed that since she wasn’t perfect, she couldn’t criticize what he said or did.

Even when he might admit she was right (once a year, if she was lucky) he muttered it under his breath and never changed his behavior.

Alice understood his psychology but that didn’t help her.
Alice knew that his parents were alcoholic and physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to him and his siblings.  He had to fight to survive.  She thought that upbringing had caused him to be the way he was.

She was wrong.  Those situations weren’t causes; those were just horrible situations.  He chose those responses in order to survive; in order to fight for a place for himself.  And he chose to perpetuate those choices even now, although he was an adult, not a helpless kid, and even though Alice was never creating similar situations.  He chose to continue those behaviors because they made him feel righteous and powerful and he usually won.

Alice learned that there were many people who’d grown up in much worse circumstances but who’d chosen to become wonderful spouses and parents.

Alice could never prove herself to him or love him enough to get him to change.
Sometimes he’d begrudgingly say that he was trying to be kinder or sweeter so she should get off his back.  But his good behavior never lasted more than a few minutes.  Alice could never fill his bucket with love, compassion and kindness because his bucket had no bottom.

Alice finally took power over her own actions; she stopped waiting for him to empower her.
Finally, something snapped in Alice.  She’d had enough.  She was done.  She simply gave up trying to rescue him from himself.  She had to take care of her own life and future.  She also had to set a good examples for her children.

If he was more in love with his own inner war and with his fights against her and the world than he was in love with treating her politely, civilly and lovingly, he’d have to find a different dog to kick.

She told him the behavior she expected and demanded, or he’d be out of her personal space.  She stopped considering whether he liked it, approved of it or argued that it wasn’t fair.  She stopped waiting for him to empower her.  He did not get to vote on the behavior necessary to be near her.  He only got to vote on whether he would behave in the necessary way.

She finally said that she didn’t care about his reasons, excuses or justifications for his rotten treatment of her.  She didn’t care how hard he said he was trying, only results counted.  She started quoting Yoda from Star Wars, “There is no try, Luke, only do or not do.”

Alice took power over her own actions; she stopped waiting for him to decide she deserved to be empowered.  She stopped waiting for him the grant her the right to have power.  She stopped feeling guilty.  And she determined to resist his fighting back against her.  She could fight strength in lawyers, coaches and friends.

The same applies with friends, family and at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Self-Bullying with old rules/roles

Agnes felt miserable.  She tried to do what was right but she often saw herself stepping forward, accepting praise for jobs well-done and even feeling glad when people gave her credit.  And she resented other people when they took credit for her ideas and efforts.

Agnes was tormented because she didn’t follow the old rules and roles her parents had drummed into her.  She kept apologizing and putting herself down because she wasn’t perfect.  She’d been taught, “Don’t take credit, don’t be proud, don’t be pleased when you get credit, don’t criticize or judge other people, do good and eventually others will appreciate you, a good girl holds back quietly, pride goeth before the fall.”

We know the extremes those rules and roles are warning us about; being arrogant, proud, obnoxious, greedy, pushy or demanding, and seeking praise and power.  But those warnings are about the extremes.

Agnes wasn’t anywhere near that extreme.  But she bullied herself constantly for fear of taking even the slightest step in that direction.  She beat herself at the other end of the spectrum.

She criticized and bullied herself with false humility and modesty.  She constantly apologized for herself.  She lied when she told people she was incompetent and not bright.  And she was secretly livid when other people in her extended family and at work didn’t value her, took credit for her ideas and efforts and ignored her.  Her voice didn’t count.

Agnes was at war with herself – between what she’d learned from experience and believed now, and what she’d been taught long ago.

Midlife was the age and stage appropriate time for her to take stock and change her old rules and the roles they forced on her.

Agnes decided to guide her life by new ideas that she accepted now, as an adult, with all the wisdom and experience she’d gained.

1. She’d accept the truths she could discern about people and situations.  She wouldn’t pretend or lie that some people were all good or nice.  She wouldn’t pretend she didn’t know anything or couldn’t judge wisely.
2. She’d examine every rule and role she had in order to ask where and when it might be useful and, especially, not useful or effective.  Children accept rules as black-or-white, all-or-none.  But adults have more experience and wisdom.  We can see the gray areas in life.  We can accept that there is often no one-right-way of doing many things.
3. She wouldn’t hold back and pretend she hadn’t thought of or done something she had.  Holding back only created a vacuum around ideas, credit and power which became a great temptation for other people.  That vacuum tempted some people to take credit that wasn’t theirs.  That vacuum also attracted the most nasty, controlling and vicious people to try to take credit and power.
4. She’d speak up, as a wise older woman, to become the guardian of the best standards for the whole of her family and the benefit of her whole company.

This decision and her changing strength and roles caused some problems for her extended family and at work.  But most people adjusted to the new Agnes.  While a few resented her, more wanted to be her friend and ally because she was now straightforward and honest.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to get over old, self-bullying rules and roles, and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Controlling husbands use "blackmail words"

One of the favorite tactics of controlling husbands is to use “blackmailing words” to get their targets to do what they want.

Actually, controllers use this type of manipulation in all areas of life: controlling wives, toxic parents and toxic adult children, controlling best friends from elementary school to adulthood, controlling co-workers, bosses and even supervisees.  And great sales people.

Jane had tried to be a good and considerate wife.  She’d worked hard to support and please her husband.  She’d centered her life on his.  But all her efforts had never been enough or just right.

Whenever her husband had disagreed with her or she hadn’t immediately done what he wanted, he’d harass, bully and abuse her with emotionally blackmailing words.  He’d call her, “uncaring, unloving, critical, unsupportive, judgmental, selfish, controlling, manipulative.”  She’d never wanted to be any of those types of people.  How could she resist such charges?

She’d felt ashamed and guilty.  Sometimes she’d just given in and done what he wanted.  Sometimes she’d argued but he’d always find examples of her bad behavior.  And he liked arguing.  She’d always been on the defensive and he’d always won.  She’d became hopeless and helpless.

Jane finally saw how she’d been manipulated by her husband’s bullying.  She saw he’d condemned her no matter what she did.

She merely wanted her voice heard, her vote counted.  She was not a bad person for having her own opinions, for disagreeing with him.  Once she decided she had to follow her own star or her spirit would be manipulated to death, she could plan and act to change her life.  She stopped arguing and created a no-bullying zone – her new life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation; especially whether you have children and money.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, adult children can hold parents hostage

Jean said, “I’ve lived my life for my children and I always will.”

That sounds like a sweet sentiment and many people in middle age still think it.  But Jean was paying a very heavy price for living it.

First there was the guilt.
After enduring years of emotional and physical criticism, hostility, rage, bullying and abuse, Jean had divorced her husband.  Her son hated her for that and always let her know she’d ruined his life.

Of course, she really hadn’t ruined his life.  She’d offered him an example of what bullies eventually get and she’d shown him a lifetime of decent, loving, caring treatment.  She’d sacrificed and worked very hard to pay for his college and also supported him as he got started in life, married, had a son and gotten divorced himself.

Jean had accepted his criticism and blame.  She must be guilty for ruining his life since she hadn’t done what he wanted and he was still angry about it.

Then came the blackmail.
Her son wouldn’t let Jean see her grandson unless she:

1. Gave him everything he wanted at any particular moment (money, sympathy, errands).
2. Endured his negativity, tirades and abuse whenever he felt like dishing them out.
3. Begged for his forgiveness the rest of his life.

He was clear; she’d never be able to do enough; she’d pay in any way he wanted for as long as he wanted.  She could see he was like an empty bucket with holes all through it.  No matter how much love, guilt, money she poured into it, she’d never be able to fill it.  And it was all her fault.

He was toxic, just like his father.

Jean couldn’t see how to set any boundaries without losing the connection to her grandson.  She was hostage once more to an angry, bullying person.

What’s missing for Jean is a wonderful, exciting life.
As long as Jean centers her life on making amends to her son and bribing him to let her see her grandson, she’s trapped.  As long as her only joy is her grandson, she’s held hostage.

Only after Jean expanded her vision and awaken once again to all the wonderful experiences she could have in her life, only after Jean removed from the center of her solar system the idea that her life depended on pleasing her son, only after she put her future joy in the center of her solar system could she set the necessary boundaries with her son.

Then she could give herself the gift of a wonderful life with the true family of her heart, mind and Spirit.  And get the opportunity to see her grandson.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation; especially how hateful and toxic your children are.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.