Cora dreaded the holidays. She wanted to run away and not see the people she was supposed to love and tolerate.
Her mother always questioned everything she did and compared her unfavorably to her siblings. Her siblings were worse: They were negative and critical of every opinion or decision. They kept asking Cora, “Why,” and when she tried to explain, they were sarcastic and demeaning.
Worse of all were two of Cora’s grown children. They were contemptuous of Cora. She was a lousy mother who never did enough for them. They always insisted on changing Cora’s plans to suit what they wanted to make their lives easy. Cora was bullied and abused by the people she was supposed to love and care for.
Many bullies and narcissists put you on trial.
The more you defend yourself, the weaker you become. You’ll never win because they’ll never stop. They always have more charges, more attacks. The more you try to figure out or explain what really happened, the more your whole life is taken up by defending your values, character and achievements to people who don’t like you. They’re trying to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem. They want you to stop trusting your own judgment and to accept their judgment and direction. They’ll make you feel stupid and incompetent.
They want you to think, “What’s wrong with me?”
If you think you’re the problem, they’ve won. You’ll never be perfect or smart enough. They attack relentlessly so you’ll never think, “What’s wrong with them?” Cora actually liked her life, except for her family. She made enough money, liked her job, had good friends and a wonderful time with her two other children. But the rest of the family always made her feel “not good enough” for them.
When Cora found her Center, everything changed.
She realized she was fine. She accurately saw the family dynamic and her life-long role as Cinderella. She was enveloped in peace, calm and strength. At first she felt a wave of anger and a strong desire to fight with them. That wave passed when she decided fighting was a waste of her time. She was having too much fun to waste her time, energy and good will. But she wasn’t going to take pain and torment any more.
At Thanksgiving, she simply declined to talk about what she was doing. When they started the put downs, she simply said they were mean, nasty and vicious. They were not caring or considerate of her. Of course, they attacked her even more. She’d hurt their feelings. Everything was her fault. All their old strategies were used to try to make her feel guilty and isolated. But nothing moved her from her Center.
After Thanksgiving, she wrote cards to everyone, thanking them for the reminder about the family dynamic. She’d no longer put herself in the hands of people who put her on trial so she was going away for Christmas. They could all enjoy talking about her behind her back. Their opinions of her no longer mattered to her. She was now focused on what she needed to do to have a wonderful time with people who made her feel good.
After Christmas the family split into a group of perpetrators and those who stood by Cora because she was right.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.