In a way that made her laugh, Deena saw the same pattern with her sister and her adult daughter: They were substance abusers and she was the substance.
Deena’s sister expected to be waited on by Deena. Her sister had a doting husband and two caring adult children but whenever she wanted instant service, she demanded it from Deena. Deena was required to drive for hours without any advanced warning, to shop for treats and presents for her sister and to slave with no reward. Her sister said she was comforted being waited on by Deena. Her sister never thanked her; Deena never did enough. If Deena ever hesitated, her sister attacked her as not being considerate, loving or kind enough. Deena was so selfish.
Deena’s daughter was even worse. She was openly entitled, demanding, critical, bullying and abusive. Problems were always Deena’s fault, never her daughter’s. Her daughter was clear, “A good mother would devote herself full-time to doing what her daughter needed to be happy. A mother’s job in life was to provide money, service and applause.”
The only things Deena’s sister and daughter agreed upon was that Deena should stop serving the other one and focus only on them.
Bullies and narcissists are substance abusers: they must have their fix of power, control, service, obedience and worship.
Deena was their favorite substance. She was free and readily available. Anytime they wanted a fix, they could demand something from Deena or simply call and yell at her. Many friends and experts advised Deena to keep giving in, apologizing, taking all the blame and forever holding the door open. Eventually, those people said, Deena’s sister and daughter would have attacks of conscience and become loving and caring in return.
The only way to stop being used and abused is to stop being used and abused.
Deena was thrilled looking at her sister and daughter as substance abusers. Now she felt and saw clearly; life-time patterns were explained. As long as she gave those addicts their fix, they’d come back for more. Their needs would increase with time. She’d never stop them if she continued giving them their substance.
Deena felt free.
This was not her fault. She was actually a good sister and mother. Her sister and daughter had chosen their addictions.
Deena started saying, “No” sometimes. At first she made excuses for not giving in to their power and control, and for cutting them off when they attacked her. Later, she simply said “No” or “Goodbye” all the time without explanation.
They blew up, but without effect on Deena.
Deena didn’t feel guilty; she didn’t respond emotionally to their attempts to destroy her self-confidence or self-esteem. She knew you don’t give drugs to substance abusers. That never cures them.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.