Grace couldn’t believe how selfish and abusive one of her grown daughters was. That daughter refused to let Grace see her grandchildren unless Grace admitted she’d been a terrible mother, did penance by admitting in public how her daughter’s problems were all her fault and gave her daughter all the money she wanted. Even worse, that daughter now sided against Grace with her narcissistic, bullying, abusive father (Grace’s ex).
None of the stories were true. If anything, Grace had spoiled her children. Once that daughter had turned fifteen, she took without thanks, criticized relentlessly, did whatever she wanted and bullied and manipulated Grace into giving her everything. Grace was bereft: she couldn’t admit to the lies but she was afraid of losing her precious grandchildren.
Grace had taught all her children to be kind, considerate and good.
She’d set such a good example. Grace couldn’t understand what had happened. She felt so guilty: What had she done wrong?
Grace hadn’t done anything wrong.
Yes, she might have been overindulgent to all her children but she hadn’t done anything particularly bad to any of them.
Grace’s analysis of the reasons why only that daughter had chosen to be demanding, selfish and narcissistic overlooked many factors including:
1. The children’s father was a narcissistic sociopath. He was demanding, bullying and abusive to Grace and their children. One half of all the children’s DNA was his.
2. The children had seen who’d served and suffered, and who’d won.
3. The children have free will. That daughter had chosen to follow her father to the dark side in order to get what she wanted. The other children had chosen to follow Grace’s example.
Why didn’t that child choose to follow Grace (the nice parent) instead of following her rotten father?
Instead of looking for psychological, cause --> effect factors and what had happened in the children’s lives at what ages, Grace stepped back and saw that the problem was the choices that daughter had made.
It’s easier to follow the dark side than the light.
Doing the right thing seems harder to many people than using power to beat or manipulate a nice, caring, loving person into submission. Whatever Grace had tried to teach, that daughter hadn’t learned. Only the other children had. Instead, she’d learned from Grace’s example the reward for being good was more pain, abuse and torture. She decided to side with her father because she thought she’d always get what she wanted from Grace no matter how badly she treated her, but she’d never get anything from him unless she sucked up and pleased him.
The problem was one daughter choosing the dark side.
The longer Grace keeps asking “Why”, the longer Grace will suffer trying to understand and figure out how please that daughter. When Grace simply sees the pattern of behavior and uses that to predict what that daughter will do, she’ll be better able to defend herself. And she’ll be relieved of her guilt; the other children chose to follow her example.
How can Grace continue to set a good example?
She could set a good example for the other children and grandchildren by distancing herself from her daughter and telling everyone the rotten things her daughter had done. The problem was not communication and different perspectives, as that daughter had claimed. Grace had evidence for what she said. The problem was that daughter’s bullying and narcissism.
Unfortunately, that daughter’s children were already lost to Grace. That daughter had already raised her children to despise Grace and to beat and manipulate her to get what they wanted.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.