Fran couldn’t believe her husband would sink so low as to try to drive a wedge between her and her adult daughter. He told the daughter many lies about things Fran had supposedly done to him, how his feelings had been hurt for years and how she’d prevented him from doing all the loving things he’d wanted to do for that daughter, his favorite. Fran couldn’t believe that this daughter had experienced all the horrible things her husband had done to Fran and all the children, and yet she’d still believed her father.
Faith couldn’t believe her greedy adult son would take all her possessions and even her home while she was hospitalized far away for treatment of cancer. He wanted everything; he wouldn’t share with the other children.
Bullies, narcissists will sink lower than you expect or hope.
Fran and Faith knew people like that existed in history and even now, but they wouldn’t believe their own husband or child would do that to them. They’d tried to do the right thing for years and this was what they got in return. They simply couldn’t understand how their kindness and caring could be repaid with such cruelty.
Don’t let wishful thinking triumph over the reality you’ve known for years.
But when Fran thought of all the times her husband had hit her and the children, had used her to do all the chores and to serve him, and had been negative, sarcastic and critical in public – in front of friends, family and even at church – she really knew what to expect.
And when Faith thought of all the times that daughter, from infant upwards, had yelled at her, threatened her, tried to resist, control and guilt-trip her, had bullied and abused her, she really knew what to expect.
The real question for them was, “When will you stop ignoring the evidence of years and continue living in hope of instant change?”
Bullies and narcissists don’t change. Or if they do it’s a miracle…and you can guess the percent of times that happens. All the wishful thinking made Fran and Faith easy targets for more use and abuse, pain and torture.
The best way to help those predators is not to feed them while praying for change; it’s to stop being a martyr and show them they had to change or be left behind.
Coddling bullies and narcissists never changes them. Both Fran and Faith realized they could continue loving, hoping and praying while they protected themselves from further torture.
They could expect the bullies and narcissists to continue hurting them until they had evidence they had a change of heart and showed their good intentions over time without reward.
Loving and liking are on separate scales. They could love their tormentors while disliking them. Wishful thinking and hope are different from recognizing the need to protect yourself.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.