Martha (fictitious name) was burned out mentally, emotionally and physically. She was highly empathetic so she knew she was giving what everyone wanted; she was caring for them better than they’d ever been. But she didn’t understand: She’d given them so much, how come they wouldn’t stop asking for more even when she told them how exhausted she was, how she didn’t have any more to give.
For takers (bullies, narcissists) too much is never enough; they always want more no matter how much you’ve given.
Takers are bottomless pits. They’re selfish and never satisfied; nothing is ever enough. They don’t care about you; your boundaries, your energy level, making easy for you to help them, what you want to do. Takers are convinced they’re entitled to whatever they want, exactly the way they want it. Takers simply want to make it easy for themselves; then they make up reasons why they should get it the easiest way – from you. Struggling is too much of a big deal for takers.
When Martha didn’t jump to their demands, they got angry and attacked her. They were relentless; negative, critical, abusive, ganging up on her. They’d die without her help; their pain would be her fault. She’d be an unloving, uncaring, selfish person if she didn’t do what they wanted. Of course, Martha had been trained to feel guilty when other people had hurt feelings.
Takers (bullies, narcissists) aren’t helped by your giving.
Martha thought she had to help her parents, her husband, her adult children, all the relatives (no matter how distant). She always thought: After she taught them how to do things, they’d start doing the things for themselves. Isn’t that the best way to help them; isn’t what love is? But her anger lingered; hadn’t she done enough yet to deserve their love?
Martha was secretly afraid if she stopped helping, they’d abandon her and she’d be all alone.
Also, if she stopped helping them all, she’d become uncaring and selfish. And they’d fail in life.
Exhaustion pushed Martha to realize she was hurting them by helping them become needy, helpless and lazy.
Martha’s Spirit finally said, “Enough! You need to take care of yourself. No one else will.” Finally, she listened to her Spirit. The best way she could help them was to let them struggle while she encouraged them from the sidelines. Of course, some would fail sometimes but the only way they had a chance to become strong was through their struggling. Once they struggled on their own, then her help might help them become independent.
There were many people she could help in reciprocal relationships. But with takers (bullies, narcissists), once she saw the pattern of continual taking, she must cut the person off, no matter the relationship or their need. She could no longer feed their addictions to laziness, helplessness and ease. She wasn’t the only source of comfort, healing or salvation in the world.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.