Linda (fictitious name) had a problem that didn’t make sense to her. All the rules and methods she’d learned growing up didn’t help her change her adult son. Could have mother have misled her?
Her son had always bullied her; he was negative, critical, sarcastic; he was demanding, nasty and abusive. If Linda didn’t do what he wanted, he’d throw a temper-tantrum and even make a public scene. He’d tell everyone lies about ways she’d ruined his life. Then he married a woman who not only encouraged him but was ten times more horrible to Linda. They wouldn’t allow her to come to their wedding or to see her grandchildren.
Linda was empathetic.
She knew her son suffered intensely when he didn’t get what he wanted and didn’t have total control of her. She always tried to understand him; she was nice, loving and forgiving. She’d always bit her tongue and had never said what she truly thought but that didn’t stop them.
Why, “Don’t poke the bear,” does not stop bullies and narcissists.
Linda’s mother had also taught her, “Don’t say/do anything; don’t give bullies a reason to go after you. If you don’t react, if you respond with good grace, bullies and narcissists will get bored and leave you alone. If get them mad, bullies and narcissists will go after you even worse.” Of course Linda accepted those rules; how could her mother be wrong and not protect her?
All those rules and images are wrong. They assume that bullies and narcissists will leave you alone if you don’t provoke them. But bullies and narcissists don’t need provoking. They don’t hibernate. They go after you if they want something or just for the pleasure of torturing you. Then they make up reasons to excuse their despicable behavior.
A better image would be bullies and narcissists are vultures and takers.
If you don’t fight them off, they’ll keep picking at your flesh until they devour you.
Linda realized there wasn’t anything worse they could do to her.
She felt delightfully free. Her fear and guilt were gone. She’d done nothing wrong; the perpetrators were her rotten son and his wife. By doing nothing, her lying son and his wife had free rein to spin everything the way they wanted. She was losing the argument within her extended family and friends.
Linda decided to honor herself. She stood up for herself and told everyone in the family what they’d done to her and how they’d hurt her. When some people tried to minimize or excuse her son’s treatment of her, she said, “Nonsense. I did nothing wrong. They should start considering my feelings. There are no excuses for what they did. If you side with them, you’re condoning evil and I’ll treat you accordingly.” She also told her son and his wife what she thought.
Previously, the focus had always been how she’d hurt her son and on his wife’s feelings. But when she continued speaking up, she shifted the family argument and focused the blame on her son and his wife. Her feelings became the focus.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.