Cora (fictitious name) kept thinking that if her adult son only understood how much pain he was causing her, he’d stop bullying and abusing her. He was acting exactly the way she’d seen bullies and narcissists described on videos. He was mean, cruel, manipulative and toxic. He seemed to enjoy making promises and then cancelling at the last minute or not even showing up at all. Whenever she got her hopes up, he’d thwart what she was looking forward to, and then he’d yell at her just like his father had. His unhappiness was her fault.
She was exhausted trying to teach him, to get him to understand, to get him to care about her. Why couldn’t he see what he was doing; the pain and damage he was causing her? What had she done to deserve this abuse?
Cora finally looked at the evidence of his behavior, not at his words/excuses/reasons.
Cora listened and believed what she’d been saying to me and to all her friends. He had reasons for justified in doing everything he’d done to her. If he was irritated or angry at anything, he thought he could lash out at her in any way he wanted. His reasons mattered; hers did not. He acted like he didn’t care, like her feelings and wishes didn’t matter. He acted like he didn’t want to understand.
He had no healthy fear of hurting her.
He was sure she’d put up with his inflicting pain to her.
Then she let herself acknowledge the big truth she’d been avoiding; he was gleeful every time she cried, every time she protested, every time she begged him to be nice. She’d seen that glee on his face when he hurt her and got away with it.
He was addicted to her pain.
He loved hurting her and watch her squirm, watching her try to explain away his cruelty to her friends, listening to her try to teach him the value of kindness, watching her torture herself trying to figure out what she’d done wrong.
Causing her pain was his drug of choice. The joy he got was palpable and it was free and he could get high anytime he wanted.
Cora knew she had to protect herself from her own flesh and blood.
As hard as it was to accept, once Cora did, she could shift to how to protect herself from a leech, an emotional and energy vampire, a vulture, a piranha who wanted to eat her alive, piece by piece. Now she could predict what he’d do next. It didn’t matter why he’d chosen his drug, he was completely hooked.
She had to deal with him as if he was an addict. She couldn’t keep enabling him. She couldn’t allow him anywhere near her or he’d take every drop of blood she had. And so she cut him off until he stopped being addicted, until she could trust her own judgment of whether she’d be safe being with him.
Before he changed, Cora spent years of requiring him to act polite and civil or else. And it took a minor miracle for him to change his heart.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
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