Dora (fictitious name) realized her toxic, adult son was using the same methods to demean and control her that her husband had used since they were married. Her son was imitating his father.
They both were negative, critical, back-stabbing, mean and harsh. Nothing she did was ever good enough. They manipulated her to keep trying to please them, to be their servant or slave forever.
Her friends and her pastor said that since they didn’t hit her and her husband hadn’t raped her recently, it wasn’t bullying or abuse.
They said her husband and her son probably didn’t realize how bad she felt. They wouldn’t act that way on purpose. Anyway, it wasn’t so bad and she should endure; it wasn’t real abuse. She should feel guilty if they were displeased or offended by what she did.
But they’d been doing it for years and when Dora told them how much it hurt, they smiled, did worse to her. She was over-reacting and too sensitive. Anyway, it was her problem. Only she could make herself happy.
Dora knew how much it hurt her. She felt abused, beaten, wounded. Yet she seemed to need someone as the definitive expert to label their behavior as bullying and abuse.
Dora shifted when she listened to me and Tarana Burke.
Trana Burke: “Unkindness is a serial killer. Death in the flesh sometimes seems like a less excruciating way to succumb than the slow and steady venom unleashed by mean-spirited, cruel words and actions that poison you over time. I guess that’s why I can’t stand the old children’s rhyme: sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Every time I hear it, I think to myself: that’s a lie. You can dodge a rock, but you can’t unhear a word. [It’s hard to] undo the intentional damage that some words have on your mind, body, and spirit.”
When Dora accepted that she was being abused and had the right to stop it; she felt free to protect herself.
The phrase that inspired and sustained her was that she had to become the Heroine of Her Life. Now, she could act with purpose and determination. She was not going to allow any cruel, abusive and toxic behavior in her life. And she would do whatever it took to get that behavior out of her life. She’d rather be safe than live in embarrassment, shame or guilt because she wasn’t perfect according to them. Or to live in fear because they’d they’d put her down in public.
She was even willing to divorce her husband and cut off her son if they didn’t change.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.