Stop Guilt, Blame and Shame

Guilt, blame and shame are lousy motivation strategies.

But who can relieve you of them?

Jane’s son said he felt he’d never gotten enough; his brother and sister were always loved by Jane more.  Especially after Jane divorced their father, he started using her guilt to harass and manipulate her into giving him whatever he wanted.

Jane and the other kids said he was wrong in his claims.

Even after they were all grown and independent, Jane’s son would still explode at Jane.  He’d tell her off and demand she give him what he wanted.  Everywhere else in her life – career, family, friends – Jane would never let anyone treat her that way.  But with her son, she still felt guilty and would accept his negativity, criticism, bullying and abuse.  She used her guilt to keep herself making amends even though she hated the way he treated her.

She assumed that:

• Since he felt that way, since it was his truth, she had to accept his tirades and manipulation.
• Since she could never be an objective judge of history, she had to believe his opinion.
• If she gave him enough, eventually he’d be satisfied and forgive her.
• After he forgave her, she’d feel relieved and he’d treat her better.

When she finally saw him for the bully he was, she felt even more guilty because she had created this monster in her extended family’s bosom.  He treated her that way because she had allowed him to get away with it.  Because he never forgave her and he continued to try to beat or manipulate her into submission, she had actually given him more than the other children.  How could she forgive herself?

Then she laughed at the ridiculousness of that vicious cycle.  And the laughter broke her free.

She forgave herself.
If she had known better she would have done better.  There was nothing she could do to change their history.  But there was a lot she could do to change their future.

When the guilt, blame and shame lifted from her shoulders, she told her other children of her epiphany and her plan to make it up to them.  She told them what she would say to that son and prepared them for his backlash.  They were thrilled.

Then she told that son she’d forgiven herself – no more blame shame or guilt.  She felt like she’d been freed from dark prison.  He’d have to treat her nice if he wanted any contact with her.

Since this is really about forgiving yourself, not waiting for someone else to forgive you, I won’t go into the details of her son’s unsuccessful struggle to ensnare her once again, but he never could.

The best way to free yourself from guilt, blame and shame, and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Too polite to protest against bullying?

Joan’s son had become a toxic adult child.

He’d corner Joan, physically or on the phone, and tell her how she’d ruined his life, his failures were her fault, she was a horrible mother, he’d never let her see her beloved grandchildren and she owed him all the money and love he wanted.

But in public he’d smile and be polite and sweet.  He’d certainly never do that in front of Joan’s long-time, second husband, who wouldn’t let that continue.

Joan defended herself and begged him to stop, but he only did for a short time when he was building up to demanding something very big. As soon as he got it, he went back to being relentlessly abusive and bullying.

Joan knew that all the other siblings knew about their one manipulative, loser brother but she could never bring herself to say anything in public.  And that’s what kept Joan stuck.

Just like many other families and schools and workplaces, keeping the big, explosive secrets hidden had kept Joan and her family trapped in the same pattern, with the most hostile vicious, nasty bully in control and power.

Yes, there’s a lot on the line here.  The whole family balance has hinged on her keeping silent and her connection with the grandchildren hangs in the balance.

Joan was too polite to say anything about her son.  She didn’t think she’d done anything particularly wrong when he was growing up but she did feel a tinge of guilt.  After all, since he felt so hurt, she must have been a failure as a mother.  Even worse, she hadn’t even noticed how bad she was.  Maybe her mistake, she thought, was that she’d given that son everything when he was growing up.

When Joan freed herself from her limitations about polite behavior and finally exposed her son’s behavior to the whole family, she was right; everything did change.  But it was for the good.  She stopped her abusive son in his tracks and she also kept contact with her grandchildren.

The best way to free yourself from your old rules and beliefs, and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Trust your accurate intuition

June had grown up being taught to distrust herself.

When she was a child, she often had a strong sense when someone in her extended family was being bad to her or bullying or tormenting her; when they didn’t care about her feelings.  She’d known when she’d been hurt by their harassment, criticism or sneaky put-downs.

But her parents had told her that her relatives were nice and kind, and she was wrong when she thought what they said was nasty or she was being bullying.  She should trust their judgment, not her own.  She should be a polite, quiet, good girl and not protest or make a scene.

Years later, when she had decades of history with those people, she could see when her intuition had been accurate.  Whenever she felt a certain twist in her gut or when she involuntarily ducked her shoulders in a certain way, she’d been trying to tell herself that she was indeed being attacked or set-up to feel bad.

But she’d always repressed herself and listened to her parents.  She’d talked herself out of doing anything.  She did want to be a good girl and the price for disobeying was very high.

But now that she had children of her own, she was going to set a different example.  If those relatives wouldn’t stop when she was polite then she’d make a scene.  If they didn’t like her when she pushed back verbally, she’d remove them from her life.  When they attacked her again, she’d say to herself, “Thanks for the reminder, jerk.”  And she’d decide what to do depending on the situation.

More important than her old rules about being a nice girl and never attracting attention or making a scene were her new rules about trusting her “accurate intuition,” about protecting herself and her children, and about setting a good example for her children.

She’d rather make mistakes following her own judgment than be a slave to theirs.  When she made that decision, she felt free; as if a huge weight had been removed from her shoulders.

She was excited, thinking about teaching her children to trust the signals of their accurate intuition.

The best way to learn to trust your accurate intuition and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop righteous spouses, parents, friends

Jane’s husband always knew what was best for her and got angry when she wouldn’t follow his suggestions.  Jack’s friend knew what Jack should do to further his career and was sarcastic when Jack don’t follow his directives.  Even though she was 35 and independent, April’s parents still told her what she should do to be happy and when she didn’t follow their orders, they told the whole family what a disobedient and ungrateful child she was.

I have a personal aversion to these righteous people who harass, bully and abuse us.  They think they’re important.  They want their values and rules to rule.

They’re missionaries.  They know they’re right, they know what’s best, they have the only truth and our desires, values and opinions don’t matter.  Their logic, reasoning and opinions are their gods.

They’re adept at manipulation through criticism, guilt and recriminations: “I told you a year ago but you didn’t listen to me and look where you are now.”

They use disapproval, confrontations and your politeness to enslave you.  Get over having to be polite.  Be willing to do what you want.  If they get upset that’s their choice.  Get over the fear of confrontations.

Be willing to make your own mistakes based on your best judgment.  That’s how you’ll learn to improve your judgment in the service of your values and desires.

Don’t let these people near you.  Don’t allow them to give their opinions.  Don’t get advice from people who want to beat you into submission.  Don’t become a slave to people who want to control you because they know what’s best for you.  Get what you need from someone who simply discusses things and even gives advice with no strings attached.

You have a wide range of actions to choose from, depending on the situation.

Be prepared: Righteous, abusive, missionaries won’t change and they will strike back.  They can’t let you get away with thinking on your own and disobeying them.

The best way to stop bullying, manipulative, righteous missionaries is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Sneaky bullies call you a bully

When you resist sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies they not only use guilt-trips, they’ll often try to manipulate you by calling your resistance bullying.  They don’t want you standing up for yourself and your standards.  They want you to back down.  They don’t want consequences for their bullying.

Whenever you hear spouses, partners, friends or co-workers do this, remind yourself that a bully is trying to get you to stop.  Toxic parents, teenagers and adult children are masters of this approach.

Smile when you realize they just reminded you what you need to do.  Trust your gut, your accurate intuition, your estimation of the situation and the pattern.

Give them one chance to break the vicious cycle.  Don’t debate or argue; you already know you’ll never win.  Don’t seek their understanding, agreement or permission to apply consequences.  They might be good for a day or a week but then they’ll go back to harassing, belittling and abusing you.  Simply say that you’ll act on what you think; not what they think.

If you’re as nasty as I am, you might say, laughingly, excited and happily, “Thanks for noticing.  I am bullying you to act according to the standards necessary to get on my turf or I won’t let you in my space.”

When they say that they’re just protecting their turf the same way, say, “Good.  You should protect your space from people like me who won’t give in to you.  You should kick me off your turf just like I’m kicking you off mine.”

Then go get a better person to be with.

The best way to stop bullying manipulative, debating, controllers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying is the bully's fault

When confronted by relentless bullying, many people think that they must have done something wrong.  Covert, sneaky bullies are especially good at stimulating self-doubt, insecurity and guilt.  People think they must have been bad to the bully and that’s why they’re being harassed, abused or bullied.  

But that’s far from the truth.

Over 90% of the people who come to me with such thoughts have actually done nothing bad.  In fact, they’ve gone out of their way to be kind, accommodating and friendly to their oppressors.  They’ve tried to debate, argue and prove they’re nice.  They’ve negotiated and compromised repeatedly.  But they never got decent treatment, appreciation or respect in return.

Relentless bullies and control-freaks are never convinced.  Of course not.  As long as bullies’ attacks keep you on the defensive, they win.  Why should they stop beating you into submission?  They get what they want.

Bullying is the fault of the bully.  Bullies always have their narcissistic excuses, reasons and justifications.  Typical is the abusive spouse who says, “It’s your fault.  You made me do this to you.”  Nonsense.  Bullying is their fault.

The only problem (not fault; simply problem) their targets have is that they don’t give themselves permission to push back or they don’t know how.  Their task is to learn how.

For that 90%, once they’ve given themselves permission or the command to protect themselves, to create a bully-free “Isle of Song,” they can learn the skills they need to carry out an effective plan.

Just because it’s that simple, clear and easy to understand doesn’t make it easy to carry out.  Especially if you’ve trained bullies to think they can win if they’re persistent, they won’t make efforts to communicate, they won’t be honest, they’ll ignore previous agreements and they’ll keep pushing your boundaries.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic spouses, parents, children, friends and coworkers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Caring for toxic, abusive, aging parents?

Paula Span’s article for the New York Times, “A risk in caring for abusive parents,” raises a question many people face or will face soon.  Will you care for your abuser?

In my experience, no matter how long and hard we think or debate it, no matter how many studies we make of it, there is no one-right-answer.  Your situation is unique to you, them and the circumstances.  Your choice is your choice.

In my experience, parents who harassed, abused, bullied and beat you when you were young – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – will still do the same when they’re old, by whatever means they can.  They’ll still be demanding, narcissistic users.  They’ll still try to criticize you, manipulate you, control you, embarrass you, guilt-trip you and take all your time and money.

Just so you know what you’re getting yourself in to.  You’re putting yourself in the hands of the people who tried to make you their slave.

Of course, you don’t want to do it.  Of course, there are thoughts that you’re being selfish and ungrateful; you owe them.  Of course, you know who told you that so long ago.  Of course, they say they’re dependent on you, you owe them and taking care of them is the moral thing to do.  Of course, I don’t believe a word of that.

And of course, you’ll get depressed if you do it.  You’ll think they always win and you always lose.  They always get what they want and you always pay for it, one way or another.  You’re sacrificing your life, your happiness, your family for their wants again.  You still can’t make them pay for what they did to you.  There’s no justice or mercy.

So if you choose to take care of your abusive, toxic parents do it with a clear vision of what will happen.  And, if it gets too difficult, you can stop.  Or, maybe, just don’t start.  Sometimes it’s easier to love people when they’re thousands of miles away and you don’t have to speak to them.  Especially people you don’t like.

The best way to stop being used by toxic, bullying, selfish, narcissistic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, narcissistic parents want everything

Tom’s toxic, narcissistic parents always wanted everything he had.  Even though he was 40 and had his own family, they wanted him to do everything for them whenever they wanted.  Even though they were in good health and had money, they wanted all of his.  They bled him dry – drop-by-drop, pint-by-pint.

How could he not give them what they wanted?  Would that mean he was an ungrateful, uncaring son?  How can he not trust them; they’re his parents?  How could he resist; they’re his family?  They tell him that blood is the most important thing…and it seems to him that they want all of his.

First let’s begin not by asking about whether Tom can trust all people or not trust all people.  That’s a foolish question.  What’s important is that he trust his accurate estimation of what they’ve done and what they’re likely to do.

Tom knows his abusive, manipulative, controlling parents are typical:

1. They want Tom to give them everything he has when they want it.  They’re demanding and insistent.  When he gives them what they want, they want more.  It’s never enough.  When they change their minds, they want him to give him what they now want immediately.  There will always be new wants.
2. No matter what he does he’s wrong.  They find reasons to blame him and guilt-trip him no matter what he does.  He’s always at fault; he’s never good enough.  
3. If they’re sweet for a few minutes, he knows they’re just buttering him up.  They’re just making friends with his wallet or his spare time.  It’s like they’re putting a quarter in his parking meter to keep him from resisting.  In a minute they’ll demand something from him.  
4. It’ll go on forever.  They’ve changed tactics a little as he’s grown older, but it never really changes.  Their way of getting what they want is to verbally beat him into submission or guilt trip him like he was a little boy.
5. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for what they want, why he should give it to them and why he’s bad if he doesn’t.  He owes them his life, his present and his future.  He owes them all his energy and all the fruits of his labor.

Narcissistic, toxic parents are bullies.  They know all your guilt buttons and they know how to bully you into submission.  They don’t stop.  They rarely change, even after a near death experience.

What did Tom do?

1. He faced his first decision: which counts more to get into his personal space; blood or behavior?  He decided that having high behavioral standards was most important, even from his parents, relatives and friends.  People had to behave nicely and not take advantage of him or browbeat him into submission by being nasty or guilt-tripping him.  Now that he was an adult, he’d set his own standards and have his own rules.  He’d keep score of their actions, not their excuses.
2. He’d be polite but he wasn’t going to be their servant or banker.  When they got nasty, he’d hang up.  When they got relatives to intervene, he’d speak up about how his parents had always treated him.  He’d test his relatives to see which recognized what his parents had always done and would take his side.  He was surprised at how many did, once he took a stand.
3. He’d follow his accurate instincts instead of talking himself out of doing what he felt was right for him.  He saw that his true family was the one he’d made as an adult; the family of his heart, mind and spirit.  They appreciated and respected him.  They didn’t want his money or him waiting on them.
4. He’d test to see if his parents would ever change.  He’d know only after repeated and on-going change, not niceness one-time.  Since he’d always been the one to initiate contact, they’d have to be the ones who called him and they wouldn’t ask for anything or start putting him down.
5. He prepared himself for when they tried to hook him by being sick and needy.

An exercise that helped Tom gain his distance and feel like an adult, free from remorse, blame or guilt, had three parts:

1. He started thinking of them by their first names, not by the relationship of his childhood – “mom” and “dad.”
2. He spoke about them to other people by their first names, not by “my mom” or “my dad.”
3. He prepared himself to call them by their first names when he talked with them.

Tom got free from the entanglement, enmeshment and suffocation he’d felt for so many years.  His confidence and self-esteem soared like never before.

The best way to stop being used by bullying, selfish, narcissistic parents (and friends) is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents/Abusive husbands lie

Toxic parents and abusive husbands will lie.  They’ll lie to you and they’ll lie to themselves.  They’ll tell lies to relatives, friends and even strangers to make you look bad and to turn them against you.  Of course, abusive, controlling wives act the same way.

When you finally stand up against those manipulative parents and bullying husbands, be prepared.

Shine a light on their tactics and see who believes you or them.  Tell other people you’re going to stand up in public and that if they hear bad things about you or if they feel upset or hurt when they’re told things about you, you’d like them to call you so you all can discover the truth.

Standing up in public is important.  Speak openly and honestly.  Call lies and bullying what they are.  Bullies want you to keep silent because you’re embarrassed or polite.  Don’t argue, debate or try to prove your case.  Don’t let them distract you.  Just state the truth and your outrage over and over.

Remind other people about your character.  Remind them of their past history dealing directly with you.  Who has been the lying manipulators and who have been the targets?

Then remove from your inner circle anyone who believes the perpetrators.  Remember, you are not proving yourself to a judge and jury.  You are testing other people and will allow them close to you only if they believe you.

Overt bullies are easier to catch.  Covert, sneaky bullies are harder to get evidence about.  But you can count on most people in the family finally figuring it out.  In addition, when you start standing up against the harassment and lies in public, many others will follow your lead and become witnesses and allies.  And you’ll become stronger and more courageous.

The best way to stop toxic parents and abusive husbands, and to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Becoming a victim of bullying destroys physical, mental health

Being a target of bullying doesn’t necessarily affect your mental, emotional and physical health at the time or later in life.  But becoming a victim will drastically compromise a person’s health and well-being.

No, I don’t have a big study to back this up – although some studies are currently being conducted.  My bold conclusion is an old-husband’s tale.  Don’t wait for a pseudo-scientific study.  Does it make sense to you?  Does it fit your experience in your own life and in the lives of people you’ve observed?

Targets who resist, targets who keep their spirit’s fire burning bright, targets who get away and create bully-free lives don’t suffer the same long-term consequences.  People who become victims, people who accept their defeat, people who gravitate to serial relationships with bullies, people who live feeling helpless and hopeless do suffer these long-term consequences.

Mentally and emotionally, being a victim decreases confidence and self-esteem.  Over time, becoming a victim increases self-doubt, self-bullying, depression and suicide.  Being a victim decrease chances of future success.

Physically, resisting harassment, abuse and oppression increases strength, courage and resistance to physical and psychosomatic ailments.  Over time, becoming a victim decreases immune system functioning leading to a host of physical and psychosomatic problems.

Study the lives of people who did not become victims.  Two of my current favorites are Benni Cinkle (That Girl in Pink) and Ayaan Hirsi Ali.  There are hundreds of other famous ones and thousands who are not public figures.  Notice how they live after they’ve won their freedom.

You may be a target.  Don’t become a victim.  Your future is calling to you.

The best way to stop bullying and create a bully-free life at work, in your family or at schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Bullies Everywhere - Wall Street Journal

I’ve been quoted as an expert in an Associated Press article by Beth Harpaz, which has been picked up in the Wall Street Journal and many other publications, “Bullies: They’re not just in middle school.”

Some of the questions and my responses are:

• Is the term “bullying” over-used by people who haven’t really been bullied?  “There are people who use the term bullying "to get what they want. They use it as professional victims to gain power and control," says Ben Leichtling, founder of BulliesBeGone.”
  
• Did the coach of the Texas high school team that won 91-0 encourage bullying?  “Leichtling's reaction to the Texas football game?  "The coach of the good team did what he could" to mitigate the humiliation of the other guys. "If the behavior of the winning team was cruel, nasty, rubbing it in, I would call that bullying," he said. But that's not what happened.  He noted that there are other remedies for lopsided victories in kids' sports: Parents might lobby for a mercy rule or rearrange leagues so weak teams don't face powerhouses.”
  
• Is there bullying outside of junior high school?
  
• “Leichtling, founder of BulliesBeGone, says "bullying is not only about kids. It happens all the time, in every culture, with people at every age, in every situation, and always has."
  
• “When he coaches adults coping with bullies on the job or in bad marriages, he offers the same advice used to curb bullying in schools.  “You have to say, this behavior is not allowed," Leichtling said. "And you may have to get in the bully's face."
  
• For years before he became a psychotherapist, Leichtling had a career running research labs. He says it was good training for the anti-bullying work he does now.  "Boy, I saw bullying in science," he said. "It's not an ivory tower. Academia is vicious!"

The best way to stop bullying in all situations is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop bullying husbands and wives - Checklist

I’ve created checklists so you can see if you’re being bullied – especially by subtle, sneaky, manipulative bullies who fly below the radar.  In this case, by toxic, abusive husbands or wives.
 
See the checklist – Are you bullied in your personal life?
http://bulliesbegone.com/checklist-how-to-know-if-youre-being-bullied-at-home/
 
The form is easy to fill out and send to me with a click of a button.  I’ll call you back with your free diagnosis and treatment plan.  Or you can print the form and call me directly at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543).
 
The best way to stop toxic, bullying spouses is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop bullying by your boyfriend's daughter

Sherry has noticed a pattern between her boyfriend, Robert, and his teen aged daughter.  Whenever Sherry and Robert have special plans, his daughter insists that she needs Robert to take care of her.  If he won’t change the plans, the girl throws a fit, gets hysterical and says that Robert doesn’t love her anymore. Robert immediately changes the plans and does what his daughter wants.  He says that she’s his first responsibility.  He’d feel guilty if he disappointed his daughter; he’s hurt her enough by getting divorced and if he doesn’t take care of her needs now, she’ll never be a better student or happier person.  She’ll feel rejected all her life.

There are also many other kinds of incidents in which Robert shows that his primary emotional attachment is to his daughter.

What would you do?

Robert’s daughter seems to have a sixth sense.  She calls Robert with her problems whenever Robert and Sherry are having a romantic date.  She needs Robert to listen endlessly to her emotional turmoil with her mother (his ex) and other kids at school.

Whenever Robert catches his daughter in a lie, she yells and screams.  By the time Robert calms her down, he’s too afraid to bring up the lie he’s caught her in.

Sherry and Robert both agree; Robert is catering to his daughter.  His daughter is needy, manipulative and conniving.  She uses emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love and hysterics to coerce him.  She’s actually bright and strong; there’s nothing really wrong with her.

Robert accepts his daughter’s view that he has to choose who’s more important; her or Sherry.  Robert gives in almost every time.  He feels guilty and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do what his daughter wants, she’ll be a failure.  His heart breaks when he thinks of making her unhappy.  Robert is encouraging his daughter to be a selfish, spoiled, nasty brat.

Sherry wonders if Robert’s attachment to his daughter is normal and if she’s being too selfish when she wants more from him.  How can she ask him to choose her instead of his daughter?

Sherry is asking the wrong questions.  She really wants to know, “Will Robert stop bullying by his manipulative daughter?”  Also, “Will he stop bullying himself with his guilt over his divorce?”

The real question for Sherry is: “Do I want to be with someone who puts a manipulative person’s wishes and demands ahead of his own happiness?”  Her guts already tell her, “No!”

She should give him one more chance to recognize the dysfunctional pattern between himself and his daughter and get the help he needs to stop bullying in his life.  His daughter is old enough to understand that while Robert does love her, he isn’t going to take care of her as if she was a fragile, little infant.  He can say “No” without destroying this teenager’s life.  He simply needs the better parenting skills he can learn from “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

My experience is that the Robert’s of the world who don’t change rapidly won’t change in Sherry’s life time.  He won’t end his submission and stop the bullying.

Sherry should not get into debates about what’s normal; not let her false hopes convince her that he’ll change after his daughter has grown up.  Sherry should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments.  She shouldn’t try to stick it out.  She should get out and find love somewhere else.

Sherry is afraid that if she loses Robert, she won’t find anyone else.  Sherry needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”).

She needs to start living the life she wants to lead.  Just like Lucy in case study # 14 in my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in.  The longer she goes on Robert’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off.  Does she want to settle for Robert and his daughter as the best she’ll ever get?  Does she want the pain?

Being Judgmental: Do You Need More or Less? - Quick Quiz

Being judgmental has gotten a bad name and for good reasons. Our whole world has experienced the horror wrought by people who felt superior and righteous in destroying other people they thought were inferior or even non-human.  Also, in our personal lives, we’ve experienced the damage done by arrogant, righteous spouses, parents, relatives and others who always knew best and felt entitled to taunt, tease, harass, bully and abuse us or to cast us out.

However, it’s a mistake to use these examples of righteous people with poor judgment as proof that:

1. The process of making judgments is bad.  It’s not.  It’s necessary.
2. We should accept all perspectives and ways of living in the world as equal or as equally valid.  They’re not.

But that’s all abstract.  The real questions are whether we need to be more or less judgmental and which of our judgments are worth keeping and how.  Take the quick quiz.

Before you take the quick quiz, see “Being Judgmental” as having four parts:

1. Discerning; making judgments, estimating what the consequences of some action will be, deciding what we like and what we don’t like.
2. Deciding which ways of behaving are acceptable in our personal space.
3. Making these boundaries in our personal lives stick.
4. Getting righteous, indignant or angry when people do what we think is wrong or dumb, or when they don’t do what we think is right or good or best.

Understanding this process, we can now take the quick quiz to help us decide whether you’re being bullied and whether to be more or less judgmental and in which areas of our lives:

1. Do you ignore early warning signs and get stuck in situations that are painful?  Do you distrust your own judgment?
2. Do other people often tell you what’s right or what you should do?  Do you need to act more on your own judgment and listen less to other people?
3. Do you feel like other people or one other person runs your life or decides what you can or cannot do?  Do you accept harassment and bullying?
4. Does someone else have more control over your time, money, friends or activities?  Do you try to understand, compromise or give in but they don’t?  Are you anxious, stressed or afraid of what they might do?
5. Do you need to get angry before you act?  Do you often feel guilty or ashamed afterward?
6. Do people ignore, laugh, argue or avoid what you want when you insist that they act in certain ways in your personal space?  ?
7. Do people trample over your boundaries?  Do they get away with not changing?  Do you let them stay in your life?  Do they wear you down?  Is life an endless struggle?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions – if you feel bossed and controlled, if you get taken advantage of, if you’re the one who almost always gives in or tries to make peace, if you rarely get your way, if you have to justify everything you do or ask permission before you can do anything – then you’re not protecting yourself enough, you’re not being judgmental enough and you’re not acting based on what you know in your heart-of-hearts to be true.

If you answered “yes,” to most of these questions, you need to act firmly, courageously, strongly and skillfully on your own judgments.  You need to build your confidence and self-esteem.  You need to take power over your own actions, whether the other person likes it or not.

Many people ask, “But how do I know if I’m right or fair or normal in what I want?  How can I demand what I want when I’m not sure I deserve it or if I might be selfish?”

That way of thinking leads us no where.  That way of thinking puts us under the control of someone else who thinks they know better than we do.  There’s no chance for happiness down that path – only submission.

The path that has a chance of yielding happiness and joy and fulfillment is the path of being discerning, of having more and better judgments, and of making our judgments stick in our lives.

Getting angry, righteous and indignant are motivation strategies.  We typically generate those feelings to get ourselves angry enough to act.  The problem with that method of motivation is contained in “The Emotional Motivation Cycle” (See “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up).  This method usually isn’t effective long-term.

Instead, a better method is shown in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  Trust the signals from our guts when they’re just at the level of irritation or frustration, and use the effective five-step process.  When we act based on that level of emotion, we’ll make better plans and carry them out more effectively.

That doesn’t tell us how to accomplish what we need; that doesn’t tell us how to get free from oppression we’ve previously accepted, but that tells us that we must.

All plans and tactics must be designed to fit us and our specific situation.  That’s why we need expert coaching and, maybe, legal advice.  But now we know the direction we must set in our lives.

"Nice Girls" Can't Stop Bullies

Almost every one of the women who’ve interviewed me on radio or TV admitted that they were raised to be “nice girls.”  Their mothers had taught them that the most important value was to be nice, polite and sweet at all times.  They should ignore or rise above bullies; feel sorry for how empty and insecure bullies must feel; how horrible bullies’ family lives must be.  Nice girls should try to understand those mean girls, to forgive them and to tolerate their nasty, insulting, abusive behavior. Nice girls should be sweet and kindly in all situations; not be disagreeable, not make scenes, not lower themselves to the level of the mean girls by pushing back verbally or physically.  Nice girls were raised to believe that the virtues of loving compassion and sympathy were their own rewards and would also, eventually, stop bullying.  Nice girls were to live by the Golden Rule.  Being a virtuous martyr was preferable to acting “not-nice.”

As a result, when these nice girls became adults, they had trouble protecting themselves from bullies.

Many had married nice guys so they didn’t have to worry about bullying at home.  But they didn’t know how to stop bullies at work, especially stealthy, covert, sneaky female bullies.  They didn’t know how to teach their children to stop bullies at school.  They didn’t know how to protect themselves from manipulative, abusive, controlling, narcissistic, nit-picking, negative, self-centered relatives, friends or neighbors.

And, in addition to the emotional scars and the feelings of helplessness and impotence in the face of the real world, they bore a measure of anger toward their mothers for not teaching them how to be effective as grown ups.

The start of their change was to openly admit that, in this area, their mothers were wrong.

Their experience had taught them that they needed to feel stronger in the face of bullies, to learn to act more effectively now and to teach better skills to their children.

They had to decide which values were more important than being nice. They had to adopt a new hierarchy of values to reflect what they’d learned.  They had to discard their childhood rules and roles, and adopt new ones as adults.  Once they made the decision to determine their own values, they felt a surge of power, confidence and self-esteem.

At first they thought that they needed at least two hierarchies of priorities; one for their home life and one for the outside world.  This was abhorrent to many because it sounded like situational ethics.  But it wasn’t.  They would have the same ethical framework and merely different tactics that fit their different situations.

A general example of the new hierarchy they all adopted was that although being nice, sweet and agreeing with people might still be important, protecting themselves and their personal space was more important.  Being treated well was more important than keeping silent and not making a scene or not creating a confrontation.  Speaking up and keeping themselves and their families safe was more important.  They would not allow toxic waste on their “Isles of Song.”

Determination, will and perseverance were more important qualities than being nice.  These qualities gave them the power to take charge of their lives.  They didn’t have to be mean, but they did have to be strong, courageous and sometimes firm.  They were the ones who decided what they wanted and needed; what was right for them; what their standards were.  These decisions were not consensus votes affected by the desires and standards of other people.

Their tactics had to be situational.

In their personal family lives, where niceness was usually reciprocated, they could usually interact by kindly suggestion and often be very forgiving of some behaviors.  But with some relatives in their extended families, they had to be more direct and enforce more boundaries; no matter what other people thought was right or thought they should put up with because the bullies were “family.”

In most other situations – work, friends, their children’s schools – they had to overcome the idea that being open and firm automatically meant confrontation, which they’d been taught to avoid at all costs.  They had to learn how to speak clearly, disagree in a nice and firm way, and make things happen even if it made people uncomfortable; especially people who were abusive or slacking in their responsibility to protect their children.

The hardest skill for many of them to learn was how to isolate some bullies or to work behind the scenes to thwart covert attacks from sneaky, manipulative bullies.  But once they’d stopped thinking that being nice was the most important value, they were able to learn these skills.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop toxic parents and bullying husbands’ lies

Toxic parents and bullying husbands who act overtly are easy for everyone to recognize.  They’re abusive and controlling bullies in public.

But sneaky, manipulative bullies are harder to recognize.

1. They make things up and they act like they’re absolutely certain they’re right.  You begin to question what you saw and heard.  You doubt yourself and lose confidence in your own perceptions.  You begin to think you’re dumb and crazy.  You lose self-esteem.
   
2. To your family and friends, they tell lies about you and about what happened.  They have plausible sounding reasons and excuses for everything.  They’re so convincing and shrewd they get believed.  They get everyone to think you’re crazy or bad; they turn everyone against you. 

How do you know they’re doing it or they’ve done it again after they promised they wouldn’t?

1. You sense the lies they tell you; you begin to think you’re crazy (again) because reality doesn’t match what they’re saying.  You’re exhausted and want to give up because they’re more determined and relentless.  You feel like a helpless victim.
   
2. Other people call or write to scold or coerce you, or they withdraw or they start acting weird to you or around you.

What can you do to stop toxic parents and bullying husbands?

1. Don’t debate or argue; don’t wait for their agreement or permission.  Tell the controlling liars that you’re going to believe yourself no matter what they say and you’ll act as if you know the truth.
   
2. Tell other people not to believe anything those toxic bullies say but, instead, to talk to you immediately and directly.
   
3. When you talk to other people, don’t try to prove you’re right; stand on your character and history with them.  They should know who tells the truth from their interactions with you versus those toxic bullies.
   
4. Test other people.  If they believe the toxic bullies’ lies, you don’t want them in your life; if they give you advice to minimize, placate, appease, beg or bribe the bullies, you don’t want them in your life.  If they tell you that kindness and the Golden Rule will win over those toxic parents or spouses, stop talking with them.

The best way to stop lying, toxic parents and bullying spouses is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop a Critical Perfectionist in Your Family

     

Alice’s mother, Helen, was a critical perfectionist.  Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was done right; nobody could please her, no matter how hard they tried.  She’d been that way as long as Alice could remember and Alice had lived in fear of her mother’s attacks at least as long. There had been hundreds of incidents before, but the one that finally pushed Alice over the line was at Helen’s retirement from work when she was seventy.  Helen said she didn’t want a party.  Alice argued; seventy and retiring were big events, Helen deserved a big celebration, the family wanted to get together.  But Helen was adamant, so Alice gave in and made no plans.

The night before her retirement, Helen called Alice and asked when the big party was; she’d been given no details and Alice was a lousy daughter for not planning a party exactly the way Helen wanted.

Alice was stunned but managed to get her brain working.  Hurriedly she picked the following Saturday for the event.  Alice asked Helen who she wanted invited and what she wanted at the party.  Helen said that anything would do, she wasn’t picky.

Alice ignored a nagging feeling that she was being set up as usual.  She did her best.  She invited all the family and a few friends Helen had from work.  She organized a potluck.  On the big night, there was plenty of food and everybody seemed to have a good time.

The next morning her mother called Alice and started abusing her.  Nothing had been right at her party.  She’d invited all the wrong people, had all the wrong food, the party was too small and there was not enough praise for Helen’s long years of hard work.  Helen was mortified that Alice was such an incompetent and miserable hostess, and an uncaring, unloving daughter.

Because Alice had sought coaching previously, she was prepared.  Something in her snapped.  After all these years of submitting to her mother’s abuse, Alice had had enough.

She said she had a new rule when facing a bullying control-freak: just say “No.” No more hiding things and pretending; Helen was mean, nasty and no fun.  No more looking the other way; no more colluding or enabling Helen’s behavior.  No more planning for Helen.  If Helen wanted to see her, she’d have to stop that behavior immediately.  If she needed therapy, she should go get it.

Before Helen could interrupt, Alice went on.  She was not going to open herself to the usual abuse Helen heaped on her every year so her mother wasn’t invited to have Christmas with them.  Alice and her family were gong to relax and enjoy the holidays without any complaining, sarcasm or put-downs.  Then she said good-bye.

Alice immediately called everyone in the family and told them what she’d told her mother.  Of course, they knew how Helen had always been.  Now that a heroine had stepped forward, a few who had always submitted and endured Helen’s past behavior were willing to support Alice by agreeing with her in public and even telling Helen what they thought of her behavior.

With her own children and their families, Alice also insisted on a new family rule: When someone tries to do something nice for you, just say “Thank you.”

Of course, Alice was soon smitten with guilt and self-bullying.  She thought she’d gone too far and she really was ungrateful and unloving.  She’d expected those thoughts and had planned not to act on them.  She took a cold shower instead.  And she stuck to her plan.

It was scary for her to stand up for her own standards; to act in public like the person she wanted to be.  But she kept herself on track by remembering she was setting a good example for her children and their spouses.  Later, she was kept on track by the pleasure she felt when her children and some of her extended family started saying “thank you” instead of complaining.

Critical perfectionists come in all sizes and shapes, create hundreds of different situations and attack in many overt and covert ways.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Self-Bullying: Stop Negative Self-Talk

Most of us have those nagging, scolding, demeaning, negative voices that disparage, harass and abuse us.  I call that “self-bullying.”  Those voices that know everything about us – all our hesitations, fears, mistakes, failures, regrets – because they are us.

We might put ourselves down:

1. In voices we grew up with – parents, siblings, relatives, teachers, ministers.
2. In voices we hear now – our spouses, our kids, our parents and siblings, and supposed friends.
3. In voices we’ve internalized so they sound like our own voices.

Most people also think:

1. Those voices are correct.  After all, they are giving the facts.
2. We can’t ever change those voices.  We’ll be victims of the blame, shame, guilt and scars forever.

That thinking is wrong.

Here’s an alternative approach that succeeds:

1. Understand that self-bullying is a motivation strategy that we accept, practice and master while we’re growing up.  Its task is to make us do better so we can be great.  A part of us accepts that strategy and adopts the voices and attitudes of those around us.
2. As we grow up, that strategy costs us too much – more than a pound of flesh – and becomes self-defeating.  We lose confidence and self-esteem, we wallow in negativity, despair and hopelessness.  We fail because we’re beaten down even before we begin.
3. We need another and better strategy.  We can convert those negative voices into voices that will make us feel at our best and put us into a mental and emotional space in which we’ll stop thinking about ourselves, but instead, focus on the task at hand so that we’ll bring our best skills to bear.  We’ll do our best.
4. Those same parts of us will become coaching voices that put us at our best.

This may sound like an impossibility but it’s not.  It’s actually simple, clear and straightforward, even if it’s not easy.  Coaching makes it possible.

But beware.  There are consequences of changing those voices and becoming our best.  We won’t want to be around people who still look as us with unkind eyes and who flagellate us, whatever they claim as their reasons or justifications.  We’ll open space in our lives for people who treat us well.  And the mental and emotional scars will heal.

The best way to end self-bullying and to feel and act the way you’ve always wanted is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Your boyfriend hit his ex. Should you stay?

April’s boyfriend told her that he’d hit his ex-wife during the ugly lead-up to their nasty divorce.  He was embarrassed, ashamed and regretful.  He said he wasn’t a bully or abuser, and he’d never to that again.  He had much better control of himself now.

Should she leave him immediately?

Many people would rapidly advise one of the extremes – leave now because once a batterer, always a batterer or be kindhearted and stay, give him a chance the show he’s changed.

I say that you have to make a choice not knowing the future (as always) and “it depends.”  Is this a first date?  Did his ex provoke him and how?  Did he smack her or did he really beat her?  What does April know about him?

In this case, April and he had lived together for six months and April thought he was a real keeper.  He was independent and responsible.  He did not harass, criticize, demean or try to control her.  The few times they’d argued, she could tell when he got mad but she could see that he controlled himself and kept the arguments rational and verbal.  He did not put her down or attack her verbally.  There was no bullying.

Also, April could see the effort he make to expose himself by telling her even though he hadn’t needed to.  She decided to take that as a plea for help coming from his real desire to open up and be honest with her.  He was willing to make himself vulnerable in order to get her help to change himself.

April decided he was worth giving a chance to.

She could see how he’d been raised in a family that had been brutal to him.  She could see his choice to face his parents’ verbal and physical abuse by maintaining rigid control over his emotions.  Later, he’d used that ability and his brains to become very successful in business.

If fact, she thought that his control extended too far into his personal life.  If anything, he was much too controlled and distant – even repressed.

April drew two circles on the floor for him.  In one, he would continue being the controlled, repressed person he’d been for years.  He could hope that he’d have enough control to resist hitting her when they got into arguments or when she was so angry she frightened him like his mother had done before abusing him.  Good for him that he didn’t want to repeat his parents’ patterns.  But she wouldn’t stay with that controlled, repressed person.

In the other circle, he’d dedicate himself to becoming the person he’d wanted to be.  He’d open up, overcome his old strategy of repressing his emotions and learn to be a person who simply never got so frustrated and angry that he had to lash out physically.  He’d dedicate himself to becoming a whole person, not a half person struggling to control a “dark side” of violence.  He’d have to be courageous to be willing to open up the pain of his childhood and to learn new ways of being when faced with an angry person he loved, but whose anger he feared.

He’d have to go to counseling to get the help he needed.

1. The tests April set for him were that:
   When he was the slightest bit frustrated or upset, he’d start talking about it reasonably.  He wouldn’t repress it until he exploded.
   
2. When she was angry, he wouldn’t hold back saying what he wanted and he wouldn’t mentally run away from conflict until he got so frustrated that he’d explode.

If he dedicated himself to stepping into that second circle and to being that second person, 24/7, she’d stay with him.  If he raised his hand to her, he'd be gone immediately.

Was she worth it to him?  He said that she was and that was why he told her about hitting his ex-wife.  He hadn’t told her because he was afraid she’d find out.

Also, he asked her to make the same commitment with similar circles for herself.  She had a problem of going from irritation to explosive rage without any intervening communication.  She’d have to pledge to talk when she was frustrated and not repress her frustration until she exploded.  She was pretty scary then.  The April in her second circle was the April he wanted to live with.

Of course, they’d both begun an arduous journey.  They both had to be strong and courageous, and open themselves up to each other’s opinions and responses.

The best way to become the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic Parents/Toxic Boyfriends/Toxic Husbands

When Melanie began standing up to her toxic parents, when she began establishing boundaries with real consequences, she realized that she had the same problems and patterns with toxic boyfriends.

She’d always picked boyfriends who criticized, demeaned, controlled, abused, and bullied her – in the same ways her parents had.  And she’d given in to them just like she had to her parents.  She’d complained and argued, but she’d never left.

The hold she allowed them over her was also the same as she’d allowed her parents to have.  They had something she wanted so she gave in and tolerated everything they did.  No, not what she wanted: what she thought she desperately needed to have right away that she thought she couldn’t get on her own.

They said they could teach her skills she wanted to learn or introduce her to the right people or get her jobs.  She thought, and they reinforced, that she’d never get it so easily without them.  She thought she needed them to make the life she wanted.  But they only came through a little bit and only if she paid a high and ever increasing price.

Also, they always thought they were right and they were righteous about it.  They stimulated her self-questioning and self-doubt.  Her self-esteem plummeted.  She really thought she was needy and dependent.  The cycle got worse with each new relationship.  Maybe, she thought, they were right.  They seemed certain and she was certain that if she didn’t do what they wanted, she’d never succeed.  Maybe, she thought, that’s the way the world is or that’s the way all men are.

When she looked at her friends, she saw that most were in the same types of relationships with their demanding boyfriends or husbands.  Some of the details were different, but the patterns were the same.

The friends that were in healthy, non-toxic relationships said they’d support her, but she would have to make the first moves herself.  She’d have to free herself, no matter what the cost.  Then and only then, would they help her.  They also said they were tired of her whining and complaining but lack of effective action.

The stronger Melanie got setting boundaries with her parents, the clearer her relationship patterns became.  Her fear and desperation decreased.  She became determined and courageous.  She began setting boundaries and getting rid of the toxic boyfriends.  She became determined to make it on her own, even if that took longer and would be harder.

Surprisingly, once she started freeing herself, unforeseen opportunities opened up. She stopped complaining and soon had less tolerance for the whining of others.  As most of her desperate and needy old friends left her life, old, strong friends and her new friends did help her. 

More rapidly than she expected, the weight lifted from her shoulders and she felt free.  And she took advantage of the opportunities.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies?  Slow erosion of your soul!

The best way to stop bullying by toxic boyfriends or husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.