Stop bullying by your boyfriend's daughter

Sherry has noticed a pattern between her boyfriend, Robert, and his teen aged daughter.  Whenever Sherry and Robert have special plans, his daughter insists that she needs Robert to take care of her.  If he won’t change the plans, the girl throws a fit, gets hysterical and says that Robert doesn’t love her anymore. Robert immediately changes the plans and does what his daughter wants.  He says that she’s his first responsibility.  He’d feel guilty if he disappointed his daughter; he’s hurt her enough by getting divorced and if he doesn’t take care of her needs now, she’ll never be a better student or happier person.  She’ll feel rejected all her life.

There are also many other kinds of incidents in which Robert shows that his primary emotional attachment is to his daughter.

What would you do?

Robert’s daughter seems to have a sixth sense.  She calls Robert with her problems whenever Robert and Sherry are having a romantic date.  She needs Robert to listen endlessly to her emotional turmoil with her mother (his ex) and other kids at school.

Whenever Robert catches his daughter in a lie, she yells and screams.  By the time Robert calms her down, he’s too afraid to bring up the lie he’s caught her in.

Sherry and Robert both agree; Robert is catering to his daughter.  His daughter is needy, manipulative and conniving.  She uses emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love and hysterics to coerce him.  She’s actually bright and strong; there’s nothing really wrong with her.

Robert accepts his daughter’s view that he has to choose who’s more important; her or Sherry.  Robert gives in almost every time.  He feels guilty and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do what his daughter wants, she’ll be a failure.  His heart breaks when he thinks of making her unhappy.  Robert is encouraging his daughter to be a selfish, spoiled, nasty brat.

Sherry wonders if Robert’s attachment to his daughter is normal and if she’s being too selfish when she wants more from him.  How can she ask him to choose her instead of his daughter?

Sherry is asking the wrong questions.  She really wants to know, “Will Robert stop bullying by his manipulative daughter?”  Also, “Will he stop bullying himself with his guilt over his divorce?”

The real question for Sherry is: “Do I want to be with someone who puts a manipulative person’s wishes and demands ahead of his own happiness?”  Her guts already tell her, “No!”

She should give him one more chance to recognize the dysfunctional pattern between himself and his daughter and get the help he needs to stop bullying in his life.  His daughter is old enough to understand that while Robert does love her, he isn’t going to take care of her as if she was a fragile, little infant.  He can say “No” without destroying this teenager’s life.  He simply needs the better parenting skills he can learn from “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

My experience is that the Robert’s of the world who don’t change rapidly won’t change in Sherry’s life time.  He won’t end his submission and stop the bullying.

Sherry should not get into debates about what’s normal; not let her false hopes convince her that he’ll change after his daughter has grown up.  Sherry should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments.  She shouldn’t try to stick it out.  She should get out and find love somewhere else.

Sherry is afraid that if she loses Robert, she won’t find anyone else.  Sherry needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”).

She needs to start living the life she wants to lead.  Just like Lucy in case study # 14 in my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in.  The longer she goes on Robert’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off.  Does she want to settle for Robert and his daughter as the best she’ll ever get?  Does she want the pain?

Teachers' Unions Don't Protect Kids from Bullies

The Teachers’ union is clear: since dues are paid by teachers, not by kids or parents, the union’s job is to protect and increase teachers’ salaries and seniority. I love good teachers.  I come from a family of teachers.  My life has been crucially enriched by teachers.  I teach.

But I won’t support the teachers’ unions focus only on salary and seniority.  There’s something simple the union can do to protect its own members and to get my support.

There’s a war going on in schools and in legislatures right now over bullying.  Should we take strong steps to stop taunting, teasing, harassment, bullying and abuse despite problems in writing good laws, in developing strong policies, in promoting effective programs and in protecting strong principals from law suits by the bullying parents of bullies?

I’m calling out union officials and leaders who have wrung their hands in despair because no one is protecting teachers.  What percent of your lobbying dollars have gone into promoting laws, policies and programs to stop bullies?  How come the union doesn’t organize teachers to picket at legislatures that are considering laws to stop bullying?  Have you see teachers parading with signs saying, “Protect students and teachers.  We need laws to stop bullies”?  How many television ads and letter writing campaigns have the union funded to promote clear action by legislators and school districts; and to remove ones that tolerate bullies? How many more murders and suicides will it take to convince the teachers’ union that its best interests lie in fighting for strong laws?

If I was a teacher in the union, I wouldn’t pay dues to an organization that supposedly represents my best interests but leaves me out to dry because there are no laws or policies to protect me when I challenge bullies and their protective parents.

It’s that simple for me.  When the union takes on the bullies and their parents, I’ll support the union in its other efforts.  I’m in good company.

Teacher manipulated by 'professional victim', a stealth bully

This post is based on the following comment: WOW!!!  I was amazed to find your post, "How do you know if someone is your friend?" right when I needed it most.  I now know what category my daughter's best friend falls under.  My daughter has gone through MOST of the examples that were used in this post with her friend for over 3 years and because there is no hitting involved...it was hard to really label what was going on.  But terming her a "Stealth Bully" is perfect!! I actually can't believe how on target your examples were; they’re so close to what my daughter has been experiencing with a person who was supposed to be her friend.  Just recently, she finally told her supposed friend that she is going to take a break from their relationship because the friend won't stop her negative behavior.  The supposed friend had a fit at school (uncontrollable crying) and got sympathy from other students.  She told everyone my daughter was bullying her and she didn't know why my daughter won't be her friend anymore.  Her supposed friend also manipulated the teacher by breaking out into tears in the classroom and telling the teacher that she has no idea why she is being ignored.

The teacher yelled at my daughter and told her that she will not tolerate any bullying in her class.  My daughter had no chance to explain her side and is devastated at how this has blown up in her face when she is not the bully.

Tears are a very strong weapon when used by manipulative, professional victim children.  I am coaching my daughter now what to say to the teacher because I want her to learn how to stand up for her rights in a respectful way.  I am going to show her your post so that she can understand more what is going on here.  Hopefully this will make her feel better, although right now she feels everyone is on her friend’s side.  Thanks for the post!

**********

Hi,

I’m glad you found the post and that it helped.

Taking what you said as accurate and true, you and your daughter have run into a common manipulative, stealthy bullying tactic.

When someone (your daughter’s supposed friend) cries, most people assume that someone else (your daughter) must have done something bad and should be stopped.  Most people react to their assumptions and attack the designated perpetrator (your daughter).  Your daughter got labeled unfairly and without being allowed to present her side.  Also, the teacher didn’t judge by character, because bullies like your daughter’s supposed friend usually manipulate the same way repeatedly.  They can be recognized by their repeating pattern of behavior – that’s how the get what they want.  And I’d suspect that your daughter doesn’t have a pattern of bullying or abusing her friends.  Shame on that teacher for jumping to conclusions, supporting the bully and blaming the true victim.

A person who uses the crying, victim tactic repeatedly is a special type of manipulative, stealth bully that I call “Professional Victims.”  Your daughter has been victimized by a person using their hurt feelings to gain power and control; a sneaky professional victim.  We often see this between brothers and sisters who want to manipulate their parents.

You’re on the right track coaching your daughter how to stand up for herself.  However, since I suspect that she’s younger than high school age, and since adults sometimes won’t admit error in front of children, you also may need to talk with the teacher and the principal to make your daughter’s case.  Gather evidence, if you can, of other times when the supposed friend has used the same sort of tactics that depend on her feelings being hurt.

Maybe they also need a copy of the original blog post and my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  My next book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and a 10 disc CD set containing both books should be out right after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the professional victim is not really a friend of your daughter’s.  Professional victims are selfish, vicious, ruthless control-freaks.  They try to manipulate authorities to defend them and to punish people they’re trying to beat into line.

Your daughter is now testing everyone at school.  She should make her case and then see who is foolish enough to believe the false friend.  Your daughter doesn’t really want to be friends with people who don’t recognize her good character, as opposed to the professional victim’s.  Your daughter may find out that no one at school sees clearly.  Well, now she knows about them.  Be resilient.  Move on and get better friends when she moves up to the next school.  She simply won’t be going to reunions with those people.  No great loss.

I know that may sound difficult if she wants to gain acceptance by a peer group.  But part of her job in life is to test the whole world and keep on her island only the people who see her worth and whom she likes.

Good luck and best wishes.

Don't try to make all your employees happy

Don’t try to make all your employees happy.  But do make your best employees happy. Do you recognize who the best employees and managers are?

We can’t define who the best are, but we all recognize them.  They’re the ones with inspiration – the inner drive to accomplish things and succeed.  At all levels, they’re superstars and solid, steady, productive professionals.  They’re the beavers eager to learn, develop skills and be competent and productive.  They want to be efficient and effective.  They have great attitudes; they take responsibility and they care.

They’re the ones who anchor a culture of success.  They keep communication channels open and they get along well enough with other productive individuals in order to make their teams succeed.  They take care of customers and teammates.  They partner with employees on other teams when success depends on joint effort.  They’re the low-maintenance people we can count on.l

It’s a pleasure to make them happy.  They appreciate your efforts and respond with more of their own.

You can generalize by thinking that your organization has about 15% stars and 75% solid producers – all in that group of high quality employees you want to keep happy.

The other 15% are the problem adults.  They’re the whining complainers, hyper-critical bosses, lazy slackers, negative discouragers, backstabbing rumormongers and gossips, know-it-all squelchers, micro-managing nit-pickers and turf-protecting power brokers – to name only a few.  They’re unproductive, but always have excuses they think justify their unprofessional behavior.  They create hostile workplaces.  They’re energy vampires – they can suck the life out of any effort.  No matter how much you give them, it’s never enough.  They’re not grateful and they don’t give back.  They demand or connive to get more.

Don’t try to make them happy.  It’s an impossible task.  You’d have to cater to them and give away your organization to them.  Instead, good leaders and managers help them go somewhere else.  Maybe they’ll be happy at another company or maybe you can get them a job in a competitor’s organization.

Give your time, energy and goodies to your high quality employees.  How?  You don’t need my top 10 list to get started making your best employees happy.  Maximize their chances for success.  Give them all the training, equipment, operating systems and support they need to succeed.  To high quality people, accomplishment is an aphrodisiac.  Beyond that – ask them.  Every individual will have an individual list of desires – training, opportunities for advancement, cleansing their environment of losers, more flex-time and money, etc.  Then do your best to give it to them.

What if there’s more than 15% bottom feeders at your company, and management doesn’t care?  Be one of the best employees.  Try to get the attention of leaders.  If that doesn’t work, go be a best employee at your competitor’s company.

The best way to stop harassment, negativity and bullying, and to retain your highest quality employees is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543. 

You can care too much about winning your parents' approval

My last post was about adults who carry to their graves the wounding and scars they got from their parents.  These adults never grow up mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  They never leave their parents’ mental and emotional homes, even if they leave physically. While watching the John Adams mini-series, I saw a classic example.

Whether the program was factual or not, the picture it showed of John and Abigail’s youngest son, Charles, was so typical and true that I’ll comment as if it was factual.

Because John was gone during the Revolutionary years for long periods of time in Philadelphia and Europe, and Abigail also went to Paris, Charles did not get as much of his parents’ love and affection as he wanted.  Charles especially wanted his father’s approval.  But John would never approve of Charles’ lack of serious, studious devotion to a stable career dedicated to building his country and supporting his family.

Forget about what John and Abigail should have done.  We can feel sorry for Charles, but the obvious reality is that Charles was never going to get what he wanted from his parents.  And the more Charles wasted his life in whining, drinking, frivolous daydreams and squandering his talent and money, the less likely that he would get what he wanted from them.

Here’s the key: Charles is faced with an emotional reality that is as real as rain or snow or hail or drought or flood or grasshoppers eating your crops.  What is Charles’ task?  No matter what, Charles has the same task we all have.

We each and all must suck it up and succeed.  We must take responsibility for creating futures that are wonderful, no matter what our givens are.  In my book on how to stop bullies in their tracks, you’ll find a case study of a teenager facing this decision.  But you know it’s true.  You had to face it.  Everyone has to face it.  Charles’ brother, John Quincy, had to face it.  And John Quincy sucked it up successfully, despite not liking it.

As Jawaharlal Nehru said, “Life is like a game of cards.  The hand that is dealt to you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” 

Charles ran from the difficult responsibility of being in charge of creating a wonderful future.  He blamed his failures on his parents’ lack of giving him what he wanted.  As if he was the first person not to get enough from his parents.  Do you really think that if John had come home from the Continental Congress in Philadelphia and said that he thought Charles was a delightful, sweet, charming and lovable fellow, with good stuff buried inside, Charles would have become strong, responsible and successful?

Charles wasn’t resilient enough to succeed in the face of the bad weather in his life.  He couldn’t put his parents off to his mental and emotional side.  He wasn’t courageous, strong and hardworking enough for himself, his wife and his child.  He failed.  And history rolls over the failures.

Charles shouldn’t have let his parents’ deficiencies be more important in his life than his future.  His parents – our parents – are not excuses for failing.  Why let people ruin your future if they didn’t give you what you need when you were young and still don’t?  Move beyond them.  Find other parents (older people) who will love and appreciate you.  Find models to inspire you.  Succeed, despite the harsh weather.

What else is worth doing with the energy and days given you?

The best way to get past your childhood is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Being Judgmental: Do You Need More or Less? - Quick Quiz

Being judgmental has gotten a bad name and for good reasons. Our whole world has experienced the horror wrought by people who felt superior and righteous in destroying other people they thought were inferior or even non-human.  Also, in our personal lives, we’ve experienced the damage done by arrogant, righteous spouses, parents, relatives and others who always knew best and felt entitled to taunt, tease, harass, bully and abuse us or to cast us out.

However, it’s a mistake to use these examples of righteous people with poor judgment as proof that:

1. The process of making judgments is bad.  It’s not.  It’s necessary.
2. We should accept all perspectives and ways of living in the world as equal or as equally valid.  They’re not.

But that’s all abstract.  The real questions are whether we need to be more or less judgmental and which of our judgments are worth keeping and how.  Take the quick quiz.

Before you take the quick quiz, see “Being Judgmental” as having four parts:

1. Discerning; making judgments, estimating what the consequences of some action will be, deciding what we like and what we don’t like.
2. Deciding which ways of behaving are acceptable in our personal space.
3. Making these boundaries in our personal lives stick.
4. Getting righteous, indignant or angry when people do what we think is wrong or dumb, or when they don’t do what we think is right or good or best.

Understanding this process, we can now take the quick quiz to help us decide whether you’re being bullied and whether to be more or less judgmental and in which areas of our lives:

1. Do you ignore early warning signs and get stuck in situations that are painful?  Do you distrust your own judgment?
2. Do other people often tell you what’s right or what you should do?  Do you need to act more on your own judgment and listen less to other people?
3. Do you feel like other people or one other person runs your life or decides what you can or cannot do?  Do you accept harassment and bullying?
4. Does someone else have more control over your time, money, friends or activities?  Do you try to understand, compromise or give in but they don’t?  Are you anxious, stressed or afraid of what they might do?
5. Do you need to get angry before you act?  Do you often feel guilty or ashamed afterward?
6. Do people ignore, laugh, argue or avoid what you want when you insist that they act in certain ways in your personal space?  ?
7. Do people trample over your boundaries?  Do they get away with not changing?  Do you let them stay in your life?  Do they wear you down?  Is life an endless struggle?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions – if you feel bossed and controlled, if you get taken advantage of, if you’re the one who almost always gives in or tries to make peace, if you rarely get your way, if you have to justify everything you do or ask permission before you can do anything – then you’re not protecting yourself enough, you’re not being judgmental enough and you’re not acting based on what you know in your heart-of-hearts to be true.

If you answered “yes,” to most of these questions, you need to act firmly, courageously, strongly and skillfully on your own judgments.  You need to build your confidence and self-esteem.  You need to take power over your own actions, whether the other person likes it or not.

Many people ask, “But how do I know if I’m right or fair or normal in what I want?  How can I demand what I want when I’m not sure I deserve it or if I might be selfish?”

That way of thinking leads us no where.  That way of thinking puts us under the control of someone else who thinks they know better than we do.  There’s no chance for happiness down that path – only submission.

The path that has a chance of yielding happiness and joy and fulfillment is the path of being discerning, of having more and better judgments, and of making our judgments stick in our lives.

Getting angry, righteous and indignant are motivation strategies.  We typically generate those feelings to get ourselves angry enough to act.  The problem with that method of motivation is contained in “The Emotional Motivation Cycle” (See “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up).  This method usually isn’t effective long-term.

Instead, a better method is shown in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  Trust the signals from our guts when they’re just at the level of irritation or frustration, and use the effective five-step process.  When we act based on that level of emotion, we’ll make better plans and carry them out more effectively.

That doesn’t tell us how to accomplish what we need; that doesn’t tell us how to get free from oppression we’ve previously accepted, but that tells us that we must.

All plans and tactics must be designed to fit us and our specific situation.  That’s why we need expert coaching and, maybe, legal advice.  But now we know the direction we must set in our lives.

"Nice Girls" Can't Stop Bullies

Almost every one of the women who’ve interviewed me on radio or TV admitted that they were raised to be “nice girls.”  Their mothers had taught them that the most important value was to be nice, polite and sweet at all times.  They should ignore or rise above bullies; feel sorry for how empty and insecure bullies must feel; how horrible bullies’ family lives must be.  Nice girls should try to understand those mean girls, to forgive them and to tolerate their nasty, insulting, abusive behavior. Nice girls should be sweet and kindly in all situations; not be disagreeable, not make scenes, not lower themselves to the level of the mean girls by pushing back verbally or physically.  Nice girls were raised to believe that the virtues of loving compassion and sympathy were their own rewards and would also, eventually, stop bullying.  Nice girls were to live by the Golden Rule.  Being a virtuous martyr was preferable to acting “not-nice.”

As a result, when these nice girls became adults, they had trouble protecting themselves from bullies.

Many had married nice guys so they didn’t have to worry about bullying at home.  But they didn’t know how to stop bullies at work, especially stealthy, covert, sneaky female bullies.  They didn’t know how to teach their children to stop bullies at school.  They didn’t know how to protect themselves from manipulative, abusive, controlling, narcissistic, nit-picking, negative, self-centered relatives, friends or neighbors.

And, in addition to the emotional scars and the feelings of helplessness and impotence in the face of the real world, they bore a measure of anger toward their mothers for not teaching them how to be effective as grown ups.

The start of their change was to openly admit that, in this area, their mothers were wrong.

Their experience had taught them that they needed to feel stronger in the face of bullies, to learn to act more effectively now and to teach better skills to their children.

They had to decide which values were more important than being nice. They had to adopt a new hierarchy of values to reflect what they’d learned.  They had to discard their childhood rules and roles, and adopt new ones as adults.  Once they made the decision to determine their own values, they felt a surge of power, confidence and self-esteem.

At first they thought that they needed at least two hierarchies of priorities; one for their home life and one for the outside world.  This was abhorrent to many because it sounded like situational ethics.  But it wasn’t.  They would have the same ethical framework and merely different tactics that fit their different situations.

A general example of the new hierarchy they all adopted was that although being nice, sweet and agreeing with people might still be important, protecting themselves and their personal space was more important.  Being treated well was more important than keeping silent and not making a scene or not creating a confrontation.  Speaking up and keeping themselves and their families safe was more important.  They would not allow toxic waste on their “Isles of Song.”

Determination, will and perseverance were more important qualities than being nice.  These qualities gave them the power to take charge of their lives.  They didn’t have to be mean, but they did have to be strong, courageous and sometimes firm.  They were the ones who decided what they wanted and needed; what was right for them; what their standards were.  These decisions were not consensus votes affected by the desires and standards of other people.

Their tactics had to be situational.

In their personal family lives, where niceness was usually reciprocated, they could usually interact by kindly suggestion and often be very forgiving of some behaviors.  But with some relatives in their extended families, they had to be more direct and enforce more boundaries; no matter what other people thought was right or thought they should put up with because the bullies were “family.”

In most other situations – work, friends, their children’s schools – they had to overcome the idea that being open and firm automatically meant confrontation, which they’d been taught to avoid at all costs.  They had to learn how to speak clearly, disagree in a nice and firm way, and make things happen even if it made people uncomfortable; especially people who were abusive or slacking in their responsibility to protect their children.

The hardest skill for many of them to learn was how to isolate some bullies or to work behind the scenes to thwart covert attacks from sneaky, manipulative bullies.  But once they’d stopped thinking that being nice was the most important value, they were able to learn these skills.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

My staff doesn't care: What’s the problem? Is it me?

Honest self-evaluation and course correction are key traits of great leaders, managers and employees. For example, suppose you complain that almost everyone in your department or organization is turned off and tuned out.  Are they all just a bunch of self-indulgent, narcissistic, lazy slackers or a rotten generation – or have you failed somehow?

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: My staff doesn’t care: What’s the problem? Is it me?

http://philadelphia.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2009/10/12/smallb3.html

If your office is typical, you’d expect that a small group of employees won’t care no matter what you do.  They’re abusive, bullying bottom-feeders.  Their lack of discipline, responsibility and effort comes from the inside.  Begging, bribery, appeasement and coddling may make them happy, but won’t make them more productive.

Another small group, on the other side of a bell curve, will work hard all the time.  They take responsibility and care about your company’s success as well as their own.

But if that middle group, roughly 80 percent, doesn’t care, be honest and look at yourself.  You know that most people do care and want to be productive.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of their low attitudes.

Will you convert everyone when you start doing what you need to?  No, but you’ll see who are bullies, who’s in the bottom-feeder group and who’s so hurt, angry and disaffected that they can’t be won over.  Be kindly when you help these latter people leave.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop toxic parents and bullying husbands’ lies

Toxic parents and bullying husbands who act overtly are easy for everyone to recognize.  They’re abusive and controlling bullies in public.

But sneaky, manipulative bullies are harder to recognize.

1. They make things up and they act like they’re absolutely certain they’re right.  You begin to question what you saw and heard.  You doubt yourself and lose confidence in your own perceptions.  You begin to think you’re dumb and crazy.  You lose self-esteem.
   
2. To your family and friends, they tell lies about you and about what happened.  They have plausible sounding reasons and excuses for everything.  They’re so convincing and shrewd they get believed.  They get everyone to think you’re crazy or bad; they turn everyone against you. 

How do you know they’re doing it or they’ve done it again after they promised they wouldn’t?

1. You sense the lies they tell you; you begin to think you’re crazy (again) because reality doesn’t match what they’re saying.  You’re exhausted and want to give up because they’re more determined and relentless.  You feel like a helpless victim.
   
2. Other people call or write to scold or coerce you, or they withdraw or they start acting weird to you or around you.

What can you do to stop toxic parents and bullying husbands?

1. Don’t debate or argue; don’t wait for their agreement or permission.  Tell the controlling liars that you’re going to believe yourself no matter what they say and you’ll act as if you know the truth.
   
2. Tell other people not to believe anything those toxic bullies say but, instead, to talk to you immediately and directly.
   
3. When you talk to other people, don’t try to prove you’re right; stand on your character and history with them.  They should know who tells the truth from their interactions with you versus those toxic bullies.
   
4. Test other people.  If they believe the toxic bullies’ lies, you don’t want them in your life; if they give you advice to minimize, placate, appease, beg or bribe the bullies, you don’t want them in your life.  If they tell you that kindness and the Golden Rule will win over those toxic parents or spouses, stop talking with them.

The best way to stop lying, toxic parents and bullying spouses is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Subtle Office Bullies Before They Kick You Around

Cowards die a thousand deaths, the brave die only once.  Don’t give in to supervisors or coworkers who try to bully you.

Some bullies have obvious strategies for getting their way - threatening, harassing or attacking behavior designed to cower you.  The most pervasive forms of bullying, however, are done by people who violate social codes.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Stop Subtle Office Bullies Before They Kick You Around
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/04/14/smallb8.html

These subtle bullies rummage through your desk, letters and e-mail, listen to your phone calls, get jealous if they’re not included in everything, belittle you in a seemingly humorous way, spread gossip, negativity and/or sarcasm, give the silent treatment, ignore your pressures and deadlines, trample the boundary between professional friendliness and personal intimacy, and create cliques that subvert teamwork.

These insidious behaviors usually go unchecked because they are not recognized as bullying.  People live with their hurt, irritation, frustration and anger because what bothers them are violations of unwritten, supposedly personal codes, not written rules.

If you advertise that you’re hesitant or afraid, if you whine or if you suffer in silence, every bully in the neighborhood knows that there’s a victim waiting to be taken advantage of.

Coping starts when you label these tactics as bullying in order to mobilize yourself into taking effective action.  Protect your boundaries and standards; your personal ecology in your personal space.

Set team standards about privacy, space, turf, possessions, interruptions, punctuality, gossip, sarcasm, negativity, and boundaries between professional life and personal life.

The personal agendas of pathological bullies are more important to them than the goals or processes of the team.  They have many strategies to keep you from maintaining your standards.

Appeasement is never effective with determined bullies.  They’re boundary pushers who always want more.

If you’re consistent, resilient and persevering, these people may find easier prey elsewhere - or the whole team may close ranks against them.

Your peace of mind is essential.   Face your hesitations and fears.  Do what’s good for yourself, your tasks and your team.  Have courage, have hope, have a plan.  Be the hero of your life.

The best way to stop harassment, negativity and subtle bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Don't Stress Out Trying to Motivate Slackers

You’ve heard it a hundred times, “A great manager can motivate anyone.” Hogwash.

The fact is some slackers simply don’t care and are beyond motivation.  And it’s a waste of your limited time and energy to keep trying.  If you’re sick and tired and stressed out because you’ve accepted responsibility for motivating slackers, prepare for the inevitable effects of continued frustration and emotional pain.  You’ll be exhausted, burn out and get physically ill.

Unfortunately, managers often find themselves pressured to motivate everyone.  And both they and their bosses may see these managers as failures when they can’t pull it off.  It’s time to give them a break.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Louisville, see: Don’t stress out trying to motivate slackers

http://www.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2007/05/28/editorial3.html

Many slackers are like teenagers who don’t want to take out the trash or clean their rooms.  They pretend they’re not responsible or don’t know how.  They act as if there’s a debate going on between them and their managers, and they don’t have to do the work unless they like the bribe.  Slackers are sneaky, manipulative bullies.

Motivating your employees is an important part of being a good manger.  It’s also important to recognize the ones who can’t be motivated, so you don’t waste time trying to do the undoable.

If they’re not performing, let them know immediately and link consequences and rewards to performance.  You can’t make them happy enough to work hard.  If they don’t respond to praise or fear with increased productivity, let them look for a job where they’ll be appreciated for slacking.  Or, maybe, a termination will change their slacker attitude.

You’re not looking for people who require constant motivation and micromanagement.  You’re looking for people who come to you inspired and eager to face challenges, who take responsibility and who succeed.

Keeping a slacker forces good performers to pick up that slack.  You’re simply spreading the stress around so you don’t have to bear the whole burden.  That’s a poor reward for a good performer.  It’s as if you’re saying, “I can count on you so I’m going to give you a bonus of extra work.  We’re going to continue paying that underperforming slacker while you carry their slack in addition to the two jobs you already do.”

The most dismal cases are in organizations that promote slackers to management or allow slacking managers to stay.  That  spreads slacking over a wider territory.

In the real world it’s everyone’s job, including a president or CEO, to motivate his supervisors that he’s worth keeping.  Why should it be up to your managers to motivate the slackers on your payroll?  Slackers should be working hard to motivate you to keep them.

Slackers create the same symptoms.  Performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissists, incompetent, lazy, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

Don’t waste your valuable people time on slackers.  You won’t make things better being a peacemaker.  Begging, bribery, endless praise, appeasement, endless ‘second chances,’ unconditional love and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  Stop emotional bullies and stop bullying.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

It's not what you say – but how you say it – that counts

Effective communication isn’t just what you say.  How you say it is equally important. Consider the case of Pam, Jennifer and Greg.  Pam and Jennifer were valued employees about to be discarded because of a simple communication style difference.

To read the rest of this article from the Business Journal of Jacksonville, see: It’s not what you say – but how you say it – that counts,

http://jacksonville.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2005/03/28/smallb3.html

After Jennifer researched possible solutions to a problem, she’d tell her boss, Pam, the conclusions before presenting how she’d arrived at them.  Pam felt manipulated and insulted and considering firing Jennifer.

At the same time, Pam was getting great results but sensed that her boss, Greg, was upset with her.  He looked bored and impatient in their meetings.  She’d overheard him saying she was a fuzzy thinker who didn’t have the incisive mind necessary for promotion.

She’d tried to please him by giving him more extensive reports of potential projects, especially the process by which she’d gathered the information.  She wanted to make sure he had all the details so he could make up his own mind before she presented her suggestions.

Jennifer and Greg are “bottom liners.”  They present options or conclusions first so people can analyze their reasoning to see if they’d arrive at the same ones.  Greg wants a conclusion up front so he can decide rapidly whether he likes it or whether he needs to hear more details.  Once he reaches a decision, he doesn’t want to waste his time on extraneous information.

Pam is a “processor.”  She reviews how she arrived at a conclusion before giving her favored option.  That way, people can make up their own minds, without manipulation, to see if they arrive at the same one.

Miscommunication resulting from different communication styles causes escalating hostility, extra work, diminished productivity and lost profits.

Each style has benefits, but each also creates problems.  How do you discover what they are? Ask someone who favors one style about its advantages and about the problems with the other style.

Take responsibility for matching preferred work styles and communication.  Although it’s easy to become righteous in defending your favored style of communication, results are more important than style.

People are not their titles or functions, they’re individuals and most are trying to do their best in ways that have worked for them before - despite what you may think about them because you favor your style and can justify why it’s best.

In our time, diversity makes the problem worse.

Learn to detect other people’s preferred styles and how to communicate effectively in that style.  That’s not too much for you to learn. You’re a human being, designed to learn these styles rapidly.  That’s how all babies learn to please and manipulate their parents.

Whenever possible, communicate face-to-face when something might be sensitive or at the first sign of a misunderstanding or adverse emotional response.  Don’t text or use e-mail.  Get away from your desk and share coffee or food.  Create a human interaction with two people trying to understand how to talk to each other to get the best results, not an interaction to see who is right or can beat the other person down.

I typically focus on preferred styles in about 30 different situations.  A few other examples of important communication style differences are: saying things bluntly vs. talking around a subject; preferring written vs. verbal communication; brainstorming by talking vs. talking only after making a decision; focusing on the exact dictionary definition of words vs. expecting people to read between the lines; communicating in thoughtful monotones vs. passionate variations.

Are your messages going unheard or are you misunderstanding individuals and groups with different communication styles?

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

No-conflict workplace won't resolve problems. Anger goes underground when it's avoided

     

Dealing with conflict in corporate America is a problem of extremes.  Ineffective leaders either use confrontation and bullying as weapons to beat employees down, or they mandate conflict-free zones.  Both extremes suppress effective disagreement, drive opposition underground and create toxic environments. To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see: No-conflict workplace won't resolve problems:  Anger goes underground when it's avoided

http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2003/09/01/smallb3.html

While bullying bosses are recognized problems, the cancerous effects of no-conflict zones usually fester unnoticed until they metastasize. In the quest to be respectful of people’s feelings, ineffective leaders have covered up problems or rushed to easy, token resolutions.  They have abandoned the most effective tools for creating innovation and improvement - challenge and opposition that promotes creativity and brings out the best efforts of worthy staff.  Conflict-avoidant managers cannot be effective leaders.

The problem is not disagreement; the problem is escalation – in either direction. The challenge for leaders is to find the sweet spot between the extremes.  The key to success is the fundamental agreement to use the opposing forces for the common good while preventing escalation.

One organization I worked with had decreed there would be no emotional responses or disagreement. Everyone was required to be calm, sweet, kind and reasonable in public.  Disagreement was hidden behind closed doors and, even then, had to be circumspect and cloaked in appreciation and praise.  There were very strict communication formulas, ostensibly so no one’s feelings would ever be hurt.  Not only were sticks and stones forbidden, but also honest words.

Typical of such poisonous situations, overt channels of responsibility, authority and accountability had become shams. A small clique of the most difficult and manipulative people used their hypersensitivity to control the organization behind the scenes.  The best games-players intrigued to make decisions in their own best interests.  Quality employees started leaving.

Apposition is a better word than opposition to describe passionate disagreement that promotes the greater good. Your opposable thumb and forefinger often appose by pushing against each other hard so you can pick up your pencil and get to work.  Apposition creates opportunity and promotes success.

If disagreement has been suppressed, the initial steps in transforming a toxic culture will seethe with emotion. Pay the price and move through the flare up.

You don’t need to initiate angry confrontations in order to be clear and firm about standards of productivity, quality or behavior.  But if the other person wants to start a fight or throw a fit, effective leaders learn to deal with emotionally charged interactions rapidly and effectively.

Conflict is nothing to be afraid of - appreciate and respect worthy opponents who bring out the best in both of you.

The best leaders seek areas of disagreement and challenge. Emotion, challenge and disagreement power the engine of leadership.  To drive success, moderate and direct that fuel appropriately.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop a Critical Perfectionist in Your Family

     

Alice’s mother, Helen, was a critical perfectionist.  Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was done right; nobody could please her, no matter how hard they tried.  She’d been that way as long as Alice could remember and Alice had lived in fear of her mother’s attacks at least as long. There had been hundreds of incidents before, but the one that finally pushed Alice over the line was at Helen’s retirement from work when she was seventy.  Helen said she didn’t want a party.  Alice argued; seventy and retiring were big events, Helen deserved a big celebration, the family wanted to get together.  But Helen was adamant, so Alice gave in and made no plans.

The night before her retirement, Helen called Alice and asked when the big party was; she’d been given no details and Alice was a lousy daughter for not planning a party exactly the way Helen wanted.

Alice was stunned but managed to get her brain working.  Hurriedly she picked the following Saturday for the event.  Alice asked Helen who she wanted invited and what she wanted at the party.  Helen said that anything would do, she wasn’t picky.

Alice ignored a nagging feeling that she was being set up as usual.  She did her best.  She invited all the family and a few friends Helen had from work.  She organized a potluck.  On the big night, there was plenty of food and everybody seemed to have a good time.

The next morning her mother called Alice and started abusing her.  Nothing had been right at her party.  She’d invited all the wrong people, had all the wrong food, the party was too small and there was not enough praise for Helen’s long years of hard work.  Helen was mortified that Alice was such an incompetent and miserable hostess, and an uncaring, unloving daughter.

Because Alice had sought coaching previously, she was prepared.  Something in her snapped.  After all these years of submitting to her mother’s abuse, Alice had had enough.

She said she had a new rule when facing a bullying control-freak: just say “No.” No more hiding things and pretending; Helen was mean, nasty and no fun.  No more looking the other way; no more colluding or enabling Helen’s behavior.  No more planning for Helen.  If Helen wanted to see her, she’d have to stop that behavior immediately.  If she needed therapy, she should go get it.

Before Helen could interrupt, Alice went on.  She was not going to open herself to the usual abuse Helen heaped on her every year so her mother wasn’t invited to have Christmas with them.  Alice and her family were gong to relax and enjoy the holidays without any complaining, sarcasm or put-downs.  Then she said good-bye.

Alice immediately called everyone in the family and told them what she’d told her mother.  Of course, they knew how Helen had always been.  Now that a heroine had stepped forward, a few who had always submitted and endured Helen’s past behavior were willing to support Alice by agreeing with her in public and even telling Helen what they thought of her behavior.

With her own children and their families, Alice also insisted on a new family rule: When someone tries to do something nice for you, just say “Thank you.”

Of course, Alice was soon smitten with guilt and self-bullying.  She thought she’d gone too far and she really was ungrateful and unloving.  She’d expected those thoughts and had planned not to act on them.  She took a cold shower instead.  And she stuck to her plan.

It was scary for her to stand up for her own standards; to act in public like the person she wanted to be.  But she kept herself on track by remembering she was setting a good example for her children and their spouses.  Later, she was kept on track by the pleasure she felt when her children and some of her extended family started saying “thank you” instead of complaining.

Critical perfectionists come in all sizes and shapes, create hundreds of different situations and attack in many overt and covert ways.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Don’t Tolerate "Stars" Who Bully at Work

Nobody likes a bully.  But imagine that your best salesman is a bully.  You’re faced with a dilemma that may make you hesitate.  Heroism and skill will be required to maintain standards. To read the rest of this article from the Cincinnati Business Courier, see: Don’t Tolerate “Stars” Who Bully at Work

http://cincinnati.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/stories/2003/04/07/smallb3.html

Even if the bullying is flagrant and public, you might think twice before risking a major revenue stream confronting that person.

Even worse, if bullying is more subtle and private – like a bully “sales star “ cuts others out of their share of a sale; undermines other sales people; verbally intimidates and abuses support staff - you may be tempted to hesitate and ignore the initial rumors.

A prevalent assumption in our society is that the first time you hear about a problem, you should minimize it, give people the benefit of the doubt and hope it goes away by itself.  That assumption is wrong.

See the original article for details.

• Don’t let an untreated splinter lead to gangrene or a bullying problem fester. For every incident you hear about, there are usually five that haven’t reached you.  This is just the first time the bully was exposed.
• Respond to such incidents immediately. Look for patterns of behavior, try to find witnesses to the incident or people who have been bullied separately.
• Bullying patterns of behavior test everyone’s courage and skill, especially the leadership team. Set the standards by biting the bullet rapidly with bullying sales stars.
• Usually, the abuse builds to a crescendo, but then subsides temporarily - so you give it more time. Eventually, you’ll spend so much time focusing on repeated incidents, you’ll be exhausted. That is a tip-off:  The “cancer” has spread too far.
• After you act, you’ll be amazed at what surfaces. You’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg.  Over the next two to three months, you’ll hear many more stories of bullying and hear many sighs of relief.”
• Even though the leadership team is insulated from the worst of the pain, you have to lead the way in demanding civil behavior as well as productivity. You’re just following common sense.
• Test sales managers. It’s easy to talk theories, but decisions can get more difficult for a sales manager when facing a bullying star might mean unmet quotas, lost personal bonuses and more time and money training replacements. The longer managers cover things up or let situations go unresolved, the more credibility and influence they lose.  They look like enablers or collaborators. Eventually they will have to leave - along with the bully they’ve coddled and protected.
• Test the support staff manager and the “abused” individual. Courage is required to blow the whistle, since leaders usually favor sales stars.  Don’t throw fits; gather facts and document evidence of patterns.

You can’t precisely measure the negative effects of bullying on everyone’s productivity, but every time you remove one of those thorns, the benefits will be dramatic.

Even if sales take a temporary hit, morale and productivity will increase across the board. Company revenues will shortly overcome the loss of that particular bully’s sales.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Self-Bullying: Stop Negative Self-Talk

Most of us have those nagging, scolding, demeaning, negative voices that disparage, harass and abuse us.  I call that “self-bullying.”  Those voices that know everything about us – all our hesitations, fears, mistakes, failures, regrets – because they are us.

We might put ourselves down:

1. In voices we grew up with – parents, siblings, relatives, teachers, ministers.
2. In voices we hear now – our spouses, our kids, our parents and siblings, and supposed friends.
3. In voices we’ve internalized so they sound like our own voices.

Most people also think:

1. Those voices are correct.  After all, they are giving the facts.
2. We can’t ever change those voices.  We’ll be victims of the blame, shame, guilt and scars forever.

That thinking is wrong.

Here’s an alternative approach that succeeds:

1. Understand that self-bullying is a motivation strategy that we accept, practice and master while we’re growing up.  Its task is to make us do better so we can be great.  A part of us accepts that strategy and adopts the voices and attitudes of those around us.
2. As we grow up, that strategy costs us too much – more than a pound of flesh – and becomes self-defeating.  We lose confidence and self-esteem, we wallow in negativity, despair and hopelessness.  We fail because we’re beaten down even before we begin.
3. We need another and better strategy.  We can convert those negative voices into voices that will make us feel at our best and put us into a mental and emotional space in which we’ll stop thinking about ourselves, but instead, focus on the task at hand so that we’ll bring our best skills to bear.  We’ll do our best.
4. Those same parts of us will become coaching voices that put us at our best.

This may sound like an impossibility but it’s not.  It’s actually simple, clear and straightforward, even if it’s not easy.  Coaching makes it possible.

But beware.  There are consequences of changing those voices and becoming our best.  We won’t want to be around people who still look as us with unkind eyes and who flagellate us, whatever they claim as their reasons or justifications.  We’ll open space in our lives for people who treat us well.  And the mental and emotional scars will heal.

The best way to end self-bullying and to feel and act the way you’ve always wanted is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Team Agreements Keep Companies Healthy

Vision and goals are the heart and mind of your company.  Teamwork is the engine that drives physical performance - products, service, productivity, costs, pricing and marketing.

Your company can’t guarantee successful, integrated performance - but if you don’t provide organizational leadership that coordinates effort, you do guarantee failure.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Team Agreements Keep Companies Healthy
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/06/16/smallb5.html

The structure and the teamwork guidelines must enable employees to work more effectively and efficiently. Guidelines, flexible enough to accommodate to changing situations and to benefit from creativity and different styles, take precedence over individual preferences.

To maintain consistent performance, the following agreements must be honored, from the CEO to the lowest supervisor and employee:

• Stand-up clearly, directly, matter-of-factly and firmly for the company standards and teamwork guidelines.  Take sides with the standards, not the personalities.
  
• Hold everyone accountable for great teamwork and human skills, as well as technical competency.  Teamwork can’t be maintained when top leaders loot the company or when employees can use threats of lawsuits to blackmail the company into violating its standards.
  
• Hire, train, encourage, demand, evaluate, and reward good will and good cheer.  Have consequences for ill will, laziness, etc.

Someone unhappy with these agreements can try to change them according to your policies and procedures or he/she can leave.  Someone generally unhappy with life cannot be allowed to infect the whole company.  A healthy body must isolate or remove foreign objects.

Chain of command and chain of communication aren’t enough.  You need specific guidelines for proactive teamwork policies and procedures.  There is no “perfect” set. Some of my favorite ones are: - see original article.

In order to have a coordinated and well-functioning corporate body capable of obtaining the success you envision, you must provide an appropriate structure, an integrated system, effective nutrition, and consistent training.  Teamwork keeps the body healthy, and aligns effort.

The best way to develop team agreements for professional behavior that will stop harassment, negativity and bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of your low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Give Yourself Your Heart’s Desire or Die!

I had two heart attacks in February and August of 1988, at the age of 49.

I felt like an elephant sat on my chest, preventing me from drawing a breath.  On both occasions, I sat down hard and stayed quiet until I began to breathe a little easier and the dizziness left.  Not wanting to bother anyone, I said nothing.  I convinced myself that I was probably suffering from the chronic bronchitis, and its resultant shortness of breath, I had as a child.

After the first attack, I regained much of my former energy, but for three weeks after the second one, if I walked rapidly, I had the same symptoms.

Finally, I casually mentioned them to someone at work, who said, "Lungs aren't the only thing your chest — you do have a heart, too."  In a flash, the veil of self-deception was torn.  I knew he was right.  Then shock set in.

After an electrocardiogram, the cardiologist described me as a "walking time bomb" who needed four by-passes immediately.  I was in a daze.  I met my wife at home, thinking that I would pack and go to the hospital.  She didn't panic.  She said, "Let's sit and think on this.  What's going on with you?  What does this signify?"  So we sat.

What happened next was shocking to this trained research scientist who’d directed laboratories since receiving a Ph.D. in 1966, and who was not given to hallucinations.  I heard a voice so clearly that I simply knew it was true.  It said, "Live your heart's desire or die!"

I had already done most of what I had envisioned when I was young: I had a good career, a great marriage and wonderful, grown and independent children.  I had been making systematic steps in the direction of my heart's desire for three years, but now I had to go all the way or face the consequences.

My desire was to move on from 25 years as a research biochemist and become a psychotherapist, life coach and business consultant.  I wanted to focus myself and others on how to clarify and live a rich, wonderful and fulfilling life.

In a future of not living my heart's desire, I saw only poverty, loneliness and sickness.  No wonder I had been willing to die.

But what to do about my heart?  Then the next revelation came. "If you take care of yourself, you don't need surgery!"  Which was immediately followed by a wave of fear and rationality.  One run-on thought — "I know that I can hardly breathe, I have intense chest pains, the doctor says that I need immediate surgery, how can I disagree with experts, how can I trust my gut in life-and-death matters, what if I'm wrong, what will people say?"

And again, "YOU'LL BE OK!"  For me there was no sense of choice, just instant decision.  Do it!  Don’t be a victim of your genes or circumstances.

Now came the hard part.  How to maintain my determination in the face of recurring fear and the reiteration of the old rules which insisted that attempting to live my heart's desire automatically meant self-indulgent and irresponsible behavior; financial ruin and the loss of my family?

I began a combination of the physical treatments and mental and spiritual changes that was critical to my recovery of full health.

I was able to distinguish my heart's desire from my ego's desire to polish self-image, satisfy childhood fantasies and maximize creature comforts.  I could feel the difference between clear, "accurate" intuition and seemingly similar sensations produced by fear, desire and wishful thinking.

I knew that there is no guarantee of success, only a guarantee of failure if I didn't try.  The trick for me was to let go of the fear of failure.

I developed the courage and strength to withstand the well-intentioned advice of people who "knew better," and to update many deeply embedded but outmoded rules.  I connected with people who inspired me to relentlessly pursue my dreams.

I wrote a stepwise handbook for myself for creating and living my heart's desire.  The handbook had many signposts with behaviors that let me know if I was on course or veering off in wrong directions.  It also has a process for taking time, getting quiet, asking my heart what to do and then listening.

The results were astonishing.  My cholesterol and fatty acids decreased dramatically.  In the early days, my body developed sharp pain right above my heart to warn me if I was speeding up or going in the wrong direction.  You bet I listened.  I realized later that this signal was simply a muscle spasm over my ribs; nothing to do with my heart.

The next year, after an EKG and a treadmill test, a different cardiologist said that I must have been misdiagnosed because I couldn't have had those problems only a year before and be okay this year.  Twenty years later I got more signals to have stents put in.  I didn’t wait until more heart attacks.  And I’m fine.

This is just one story with incomplete diagnoses and no scientific study of the factors leading to my improved health.  I certainly don't recommend that everyone ignore medical advice.

But I do recommend that everyone clarify your heart’s desire and take steps to make it reality.  You’ll find your life, as well as your heart, opens up in wonderful and glorious ways.  Life will become a joy, not a dreary slog down a road leading to a pathetic death.

Since then I've been helping other people examine their lives and design steps to create their heart's desire.  Many have succeeded in developing and living the rich, full lives they've always wanted.  That gladdens my heart.

The best way to give yourself your heart’s desire is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Master Your Fears to Manage Workplace Change Effectively

Whether you’re managing a forced or chosen company reorganization, downsizing, career or personal change, fear shuts the doors of your mind, limits your horizons and choices, throttles your energy and resources, and thwarts success.  Master your fears to manage change effectively.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Master Your Fears to Manage Workplace Change Effectively
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/08/25/smallb5.html

People in our culture typically respond with debilitating fear to ambiguity, uncertainty, unpredictability and the potential danger of change.  Victim-thinking, paranoia, stupidity, ignorance, and narcissism become rampant.  Tunnel-vision, defensiveness, survival-thinking, inactivity, and back-stabbing increase.

To develop effective attitudes you will have to protect yourself from the epidemic of fear spread by the media and most people you know.

• Some of the common “fear-viruses” and their antidotes (read the original article) are:
• “The global forces of a shrinking economy are too powerful for any individual.”
• “When a lot is on the line, you’re supposed to react with fear.”
• “Any time your feelings are hurt or you don’t get what you want, it’s a tragedy.”
• “Society owes you a living; comfort, convenience and success are your right.”
• “Any mistake can be fatal; if you stumble, get knocked down or pause on your treadmill, it’s a portent of inevitable disaster.”

Don’t let self-bullying, self-doubt and self-abuse sap your strength and determination, and make you ineffective.

Take charge of the choices that you do have.  Persevere though the days seem tedious and your efforts appear to be without effect. Be the hero of your life; master the changes you face.

The best way to learn how to protect and defend yourself from your own self-bullying thought viruses is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti self-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of your low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Your boyfriend hit his ex. Should you stay?

April’s boyfriend told her that he’d hit his ex-wife during the ugly lead-up to their nasty divorce.  He was embarrassed, ashamed and regretful.  He said he wasn’t a bully or abuser, and he’d never to that again.  He had much better control of himself now.

Should she leave him immediately?

Many people would rapidly advise one of the extremes – leave now because once a batterer, always a batterer or be kindhearted and stay, give him a chance the show he’s changed.

I say that you have to make a choice not knowing the future (as always) and “it depends.”  Is this a first date?  Did his ex provoke him and how?  Did he smack her or did he really beat her?  What does April know about him?

In this case, April and he had lived together for six months and April thought he was a real keeper.  He was independent and responsible.  He did not harass, criticize, demean or try to control her.  The few times they’d argued, she could tell when he got mad but she could see that he controlled himself and kept the arguments rational and verbal.  He did not put her down or attack her verbally.  There was no bullying.

Also, April could see the effort he make to expose himself by telling her even though he hadn’t needed to.  She decided to take that as a plea for help coming from his real desire to open up and be honest with her.  He was willing to make himself vulnerable in order to get her help to change himself.

April decided he was worth giving a chance to.

She could see how he’d been raised in a family that had been brutal to him.  She could see his choice to face his parents’ verbal and physical abuse by maintaining rigid control over his emotions.  Later, he’d used that ability and his brains to become very successful in business.

If fact, she thought that his control extended too far into his personal life.  If anything, he was much too controlled and distant – even repressed.

April drew two circles on the floor for him.  In one, he would continue being the controlled, repressed person he’d been for years.  He could hope that he’d have enough control to resist hitting her when they got into arguments or when she was so angry she frightened him like his mother had done before abusing him.  Good for him that he didn’t want to repeat his parents’ patterns.  But she wouldn’t stay with that controlled, repressed person.

In the other circle, he’d dedicate himself to becoming the person he’d wanted to be.  He’d open up, overcome his old strategy of repressing his emotions and learn to be a person who simply never got so frustrated and angry that he had to lash out physically.  He’d dedicate himself to becoming a whole person, not a half person struggling to control a “dark side” of violence.  He’d have to be courageous to be willing to open up the pain of his childhood and to learn new ways of being when faced with an angry person he loved, but whose anger he feared.

He’d have to go to counseling to get the help he needed.

1. The tests April set for him were that:
   When he was the slightest bit frustrated or upset, he’d start talking about it reasonably.  He wouldn’t repress it until he exploded.
   
2. When she was angry, he wouldn’t hold back saying what he wanted and he wouldn’t mentally run away from conflict until he got so frustrated that he’d explode.

If he dedicated himself to stepping into that second circle and to being that second person, 24/7, she’d stay with him.  If he raised his hand to her, he'd be gone immediately.

Was she worth it to him?  He said that she was and that was why he told her about hitting his ex-wife.  He hadn’t told her because he was afraid she’d find out.

Also, he asked her to make the same commitment with similar circles for herself.  She had a problem of going from irritation to explosive rage without any intervening communication.  She’d have to pledge to talk when she was frustrated and not repress her frustration until she exploded.  She was pretty scary then.  The April in her second circle was the April he wanted to live with.

Of course, they’d both begun an arduous journey.  They both had to be strong and courageous, and open themselves up to each other’s opinions and responses.

The best way to become the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.