Drive a Stake into the Hearts of Work "Vampires"

I consulted with someone who was slowly being sucked dry by work “Vampires”.  She felt too drained and fatigued to produce what she needed to.  She spent too much time off-track listening to “soap operas” or helping people do their jobs.  She tried to help others to settle their conflicts only to find herself in the middle and being blamed by everyone.  She took everything to heart and tried to make everyone happy.  She thought that the most important thing was not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Drive a Stake Into the Hearts of Work "Vampires"
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/10/13/smallb3.html

• Let’s focus here on the attitudes and some action plans she now uses.
  Attitudes always come first.
  
• She responds to the warning signs she previously ignored: where vampires lurk, what they use for cover, and how they catch people unawares.
  She is committed to saying, “No” when it’s appropriate.  She reaches “burn-out” with people who continue to take without giving back.
  
• She learned how to say, “No” by observing, asking good teachers how they do it, and practicing (trial and course-correction).
  
• She identifies the warning signs she previously ignored: where vampires lurk, what they use for cover, and how they catch people unawares.
  
• She puts responsibilities where they belong and she doesn’t get caught in the middle of other people’s problems.
  
• She needs good solid blocks of time to do her own tasks. She demands them and preserves them. That’s her first priority.

And if she ever again feels drained and fatigued after interacting with someone, she just has to get the garlic and stakes - check her attitudes, develop a strategy, gather her resources (determination, perseverance, resilience, flexibility, humor), use her skills, and take appropriate action.

The best way to learn how to protect and defend yourself, and to set high standards is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic Parents/Toxic Boyfriends/Toxic Husbands

When Melanie began standing up to her toxic parents, when she began establishing boundaries with real consequences, she realized that she had the same problems and patterns with toxic boyfriends.

She’d always picked boyfriends who criticized, demeaned, controlled, abused, and bullied her – in the same ways her parents had.  And she’d given in to them just like she had to her parents.  She’d complained and argued, but she’d never left.

The hold she allowed them over her was also the same as she’d allowed her parents to have.  They had something she wanted so she gave in and tolerated everything they did.  No, not what she wanted: what she thought she desperately needed to have right away that she thought she couldn’t get on her own.

They said they could teach her skills she wanted to learn or introduce her to the right people or get her jobs.  She thought, and they reinforced, that she’d never get it so easily without them.  She thought she needed them to make the life she wanted.  But they only came through a little bit and only if she paid a high and ever increasing price.

Also, they always thought they were right and they were righteous about it.  They stimulated her self-questioning and self-doubt.  Her self-esteem plummeted.  She really thought she was needy and dependent.  The cycle got worse with each new relationship.  Maybe, she thought, they were right.  They seemed certain and she was certain that if she didn’t do what they wanted, she’d never succeed.  Maybe, she thought, that’s the way the world is or that’s the way all men are.

When she looked at her friends, she saw that most were in the same types of relationships with their demanding boyfriends or husbands.  Some of the details were different, but the patterns were the same.

The friends that were in healthy, non-toxic relationships said they’d support her, but she would have to make the first moves herself.  She’d have to free herself, no matter what the cost.  Then and only then, would they help her.  They also said they were tired of her whining and complaining but lack of effective action.

The stronger Melanie got setting boundaries with her parents, the clearer her relationship patterns became.  Her fear and desperation decreased.  She became determined and courageous.  She began setting boundaries and getting rid of the toxic boyfriends.  She became determined to make it on her own, even if that took longer and would be harder.

Surprisingly, once she started freeing herself, unforeseen opportunities opened up. She stopped complaining and soon had less tolerance for the whining of others.  As most of her desperate and needy old friends left her life, old, strong friends and her new friends did help her. 

More rapidly than she expected, the weight lifted from her shoulders and she felt free.  And she took advantage of the opportunities.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies?  Slow erosion of your soul!

The best way to stop bullying by toxic boyfriends or husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

"Masters of Change" sets leadership standard

Most business books aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.  But once in a while a business book has the potential to change the course of individual lives and therefore, the life of a society.  These are usually not books on “how to” do business; they are books on “who” you can be when you do your business.  These books alter how you think about your business in relation to the larger arena of your whole life.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
“Masters of Change” sets leadership standard

ttp://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/11/10/smallb7.html

“Masters of Change,” by Dr. William M. Boast with Benjamin Martin, (Maracome Press, $14.95) is such a book.  Dr. Boast was well known on the speaking circuit, having spent years clarifying his message to the likes of IBM and Motorola.  Mr. Martin is Director of Special Projects at Mentis Technology Solutions.  The book is a pleasure to read; it captures Dr. Boast’s voice as if he was with you, speaking richly, deeply, directly and straight-forwardly.

This book is the first completely human and thoroughly pragmatic approach to leadership in a world of massive and sudden change.  Its conclusions are not justified by a set of preexisting moral principles taken on faith, but are based on a careful study of a hundreds of leaders who succeeded or failed in handling change.  The authors have extracted universal qualities, guiding principles and attitudes of masterful leaders.

“Masters of Change” focuses on leaders being their best when things are at their worst.  Like these masters, you need appropriate drive, determination, perseverance, resilience, stubbornness and flexibility so you can act effectively, intelligently and responsibly.

The book is loaded with stories and quotes that will reverberate within you for decades.  Its historical sweep and meticulous detail make it a challenging and inspiring work. It will become the foundation for the next generation of leadership thinking.
 
Start your Christmas shopping now.  Buy a case of Masters of Change and give copies to your friends and colleagues.

The best way to learn how to deal with change, especially for mature people caught in rapidly changing industries and professions, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic parents blackmail you to get their way

Melanie’s parents never beat her physically but they got her to do what they wanted by blackmail.  Melanie always paid a high price for anything they did for her.  And they always claimed they were generous and wonderful, not blackmailing, manipulative or nasty.

This is only one way toxic parents control their children – and it’s a mild one unless you’re living in it.

In high school, in return for their buying books and clothes for her, Melanie had to wait on them, go where they wanted, act like they wanted and date who they wanted.  In college, in return for a small but necessary contribution toward tuition, room, board and books, she had to come home when they wanted, do everything they wanted when she was there and, again, date who they wanted.  She also had to give them passwords to her phone, email and social networks.

Melanie always felt forced and bullied; she didn’t see any other way of going to school.  She could never get them to give without strings.

They seemed to enjoy lecturing, arguing and yelling at her.  They ignored any boundaries she tried to establish.

After she graduated, it was the same story only worse.  They’d help her get started but only if she listened to long lectures and jumped according to their time table.  Again, Melanie didn’t see any alternative.  In order to live the way she wanted, Melanie had to dance to their tune.  They held the purse strings.

Melanie resisted but finally saw the solution.  She gave up trying to reason with her parents in order to get them to help her without strings.  She gave up thinking she needed to get what she wanted immediately.  She gave up feeling needy and dependent.

She became determined to get what she wanted through her own efforts, even if that took a long time.

The result was that Melanie’s parents no longer had any hold over her.  Melanie was now in control of her own boundaries.  She no longer had to account for her tastes or actions.  She became independent of their manipulation and blackmail.  She freed herself from their strings.  She moved far away and created the life she’d always wanted.

Of course it wasn’t easy.  But it was clear, simple and straightforward.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies destroy codes of professional conduct

Effective teamwork stands on four legs - all are necessary.

• Tasks must be clearly defined.
  
• Roles, abilities and resources must be appropriate for achieving desired results.
  
• Good people must individually do their share and work together effectively to overcome style differences.
  
• Codes of professional conduct must be set high enough and must be defended.

Bullies destroy the third and fourth legs.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Bullies destroy codes of professional conduct

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/12/15/smallb4.html

While team leaders frequently violate standards by flagrant favoritism, nepotism and misuse of power, more frequently, I see teamwork breaking down when individual team members are allowed to continue violating team codes of professional conduct.

Caring and support do not mean catering to someone’s whims or to the most infantile or selfish behavior of any individual.  You can stretch yourself in order to help someone, but there is always a breaking point beyond which productivity suffers.  The most caring and supportive strategy is to inspire people and hold them accountable to live up to professional conduct and standards.

Whatever pious or soaring phrases are in mission statements and codes of conduct, the reality of organizational culture is clarified during an employee’s probationary period.  On-going, accurate and honest evaluation and feedback are necessary to defend that code.  Daily examples are needed in which a   new employee is held accountable for behavior and performance.  Managers must create precedents by documenting an employee’s willingness and ability to meet expectations.

Your work team is not a therapeutic environment and is usually not your family.  In a therapeutic environment or a family, maintenance of relationships may take precedence over tasks.  You may tolerate destructive behavior in order to maintain connection.

In your work team, however, tasks take precedence over relationship.  Camaraderie serves tasks; relationships may last 30 years or only until the task is done.

Senior managers, team leaders and individual team members each have 100% of the responsibility, authority and accountability for defending the code of conduct that protects them.  If this support to teamwork breaks, both relationships and productivity fall.

The best way to learn how to set high standards and retain your best people is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How Parents can help Stop School Bullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about what parents can do to help stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icJTfMTkM0I&feature=youtu.be

2. How to Stop School Bullying | Evaluating Your School's anti-Bullying Program
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WPz-Me4ZU&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Maintain Standards to Retain the Best Employees

An effective strategy to find and keep the best employees at every level of your company requires that you avoid desperation and be clear about what you want, how to recognize these people and what it takes to make them and your company outstanding.  Don’t settle for harassment or bullying; for laziness or mediocrity.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Maintain Standards to Retain the Best Employees
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/02/16/smallb4.html

The most important factor for retaining the best employees is providing quality coworkers in a supportive atmosphere.

Know what you want and search until you find it.

• Seek work ethic and desire - drive, dedication, endurance and eagerness to succeed.
• Examine technical skills that fit the specific tasks.
• Select personal styles that fit and complement specific tasks and teams.
• Use probationary periods effectively.
• Demand the willingness to defend your culture - your standards, expectations and codes of conduct and communication.
• Keep workers who take personal responsibility for success.  Demand what’s required for success.  Provide what’s needed for success.  Reward success.  Replace employees who don’t produce success.

You can tolerate some initial mistakes from a dedicated person; don’t tolerate mistakes from a person who is lackadaisical.  Don’t give people a license to fail.  To keep the best people, give them personal rewards, surround them with competent coworkers and demand their best.

The best way to learn how to set high standards and retain your best people is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop School Bullying - Videos

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htmlI’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Bullied
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUyidHLYdqE

2. How to Stop School Bullying: Sneaky Intimidation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8lJIf-scY&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Supervise Adults When They Act Like Children

If employee conflict often makes you feel like an adult trying to manage difficult children, you’ve hit on the most effective approach for dealing with these behaviors - take charge and give these difficult adults consequences and incentives to grow up and develop adult strategies.

To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see:
How to Supervise Adults When They Act Like Children
http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2002/12/02/smallb3.html

We all recognize childhood behaviors like avoiding responsibility, empty promises and blaming; possessiveness, jealousy and constant controlling; forming catty cliques or swaggering gangs; attention seeking, disruption and resistance; insensitivity to the feelings of others; fear, dependence and helplessness; threatening to hurt themselves or embarrass us.  We also label types like spoiled princes and princesses; picture-perfect little professors; martyrs, pouters, sulkers; people-pleasers; petty tyrants.

Bullies (harassers and abusers), victims and rescuers try to force others into complementary roles in their triangle.  Don’t get sucked into this Bermuda triangle.

Don’t let temper tantrums - exploding in anger, withdrawing in hurt or giving a very loud “silent treatment” - control your team.  Train employees not to expect bribes or rewards to keep them from acting out in public.  While they’re in “time out”, continue decision-making and group process.

In adults, child-like behaviors are habitual reactions to hurt and fear - maintained by ignorance of more effective strategies.  Self-protection and personal agendas become more important than co-workers or productivity.

Some general guidelines and strategies

• Effective authority depends on your willingness to replace out-of-control employees.
  
• Don’t try to appease these employees; their desires are infinite and unquenchable.  Your job is not therapy; your job is maintaining goals, quotas, productivity and behavioral standards.
  
• Difficult employees hope to justify their outbursts by finding situations in which they’re wronged.  Separate the child-like behavioral patterns from the content of the situation and deal with both.
  
• Determine who responds to an encouraging coach or mentor and under what circumstances; who responds to a firm taskmaster; who you can reach one-to-one; who responds to public exposure.
  
• Notice which employees seem to push every boundary you set, thwart every approach you make and blame their problems on your communication style.

Ultimately, these employees are 100% responsible for themselves.  If they don’t grow-up rapidly, you can’t afford to waste your time.  You’re much more productive when you’re working with “A” and “B” students eager for success, not personal victories.

The best way to learn effective leadership skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Bullying, Abusive, Controlling Husbands - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop bullying, abusive, controlling husbands:
1. How to Stop Bullying, Abusive, Controlling Husbands
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZuR59ZGMfM

2. How Abusive Husbands Stimulate Self Bullying | Get Away From Your Bullying Husband
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJIGLA15Mqc

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Recognize and Resist the First Signs of Mutiny

We can resist enemies we can recognize and name.  We've made progress fighting identified inequities based on race, ethnic origin, religion, gender, etc.  The battles are far from over, but they have been joined and society's voice is clear

Recently, I've been coaching increasing numbers of leaders who have failed to recognize mutiny and, therefore, have not effectively defended themselves and their missions.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Recognize and Resist the First Signs of Mutiny
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/04/13/smallb6.html

These leaders are being told that

• Taking charge is morally reprehensible elitism.
• Setting high standards and quotas, requiring professionalism, holding people accountable and not accepting excuses is too threatening.
• A hierarchical structure and promotion based on merit is dictatorial.
• Seeking success is selfish, undemocratic and damaging to themselves and their families.

The leaders I've coached are intense, hard-working, demanding and focused on success; they're not arrogant or abusive.  But they are being told that there's something anti-social about their drive, standards and styles.

The primary purpose of leaders is not to be sweet; it's to get somewhere, to produce great results.  The primary function of leaders is alignment of their own effort and the efforts of others.

Recognize mutiny in people who do not accept your authority, goals and standards and criticize you when you judge performance, hold people accountable, insist on personal responsibility, and don’t accept excuses or forgive temper tantrums.  Recognize mutiny in people who use harassment, bullying and abuse.

These mutineers usually blame your style for their failure.  Style is not more important than results.  Results determine which style is appropriate.

If you're an employee told by other employees not to work so hard or produce so much, recognize that you're being lured into mutiny against your company and yourself.

If you're an employee with leadership drive and capability, don't stay where you're brutalized.  Go where your talents are appreciated and you can flourish.

Leaders must be fanatics, demanding tremendous energy and effort, and rewarding go-getters. Leading is a great act of courage and daring.  Don't let the enemies of that creative fire get away with mutiny.

The best way to overcome your hesitation and to learn effective leadership skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Cyberbullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop cyberbullying:

1. How to Stop Cyberbullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Cyberbullied
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRGeES6fNYs

2. How to Stop Cyberbullying: What Parents Can Do | Protect Your Child from Cyberbullies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmqnkwBbQ6k

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Bullying in the Workplace - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop bullying in the workplace.
1. How to Stop Bullying at Work | Signs of Overt Bullying in the Workplace
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76YfNwlV2OM

2. How to Stop Bullying at Work: Signs of Sneaky Bullying
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqRnAhMPEKQ

The best way to overcome your hesitation and to learn effective leadership skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Being Bullied by Life: Zach Sobiech

Life can give us hard times and bad deals, including some that aren’t caused by our stupidity, ignorance or narcissism.  But we can’t let ourselves be bullied by life or self-bullied by our mind’s fears, weakness or poor thinking.  We mustn’t give up.

I saw a video on and with Zach Sobiech and his family.  Zach was diagnosed with cancer as a young teenager and finally died as a high school senior.  In addition to his real, “reality show,” there’s also a video of a wonderful song he wrote and performed, “Clouds.”

There’s nothing we can say to him or his family or his girl-friend or his friends that will make his dying okay.

We can see in the video how important it is:

1. For us to live each day with as much zest and passion as possible in the face of impending death.
2. That we don’t wait until death seems imminent in order to start living right now.
3. That we don’t give in to any internal or external voices encouraging us to get depressed or commit suicide.

I heard discouraging voices say, “But his family got discouraged and fell apart and cried off camera.”  And I say, “So what?”  They don’t have to never suffer.  Suffering is only suffering.  Tears are only tears.  We feel deeply and we still do what is needful.  Suffering doesn’t get in the way.

Our culture is full of examples of people who didn’t give up; who fought on against the vicissitudes of life and of some who even succeeded in creating wonderful lives after their times of torment and torture.  Ayan Hirsi Ali, Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi, and Tevya Bielski spring to my mind.  There are thousands of others.  We also have those not-famous ones in our heritage – our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual heritage.  Among many; my maternal grandmother whose oldest child was killed by a drunk driver.

Alan Bucknam of Notchcode Creative Services posted this quote on his Facebook page:
Maya Angelou's advice to her daughters: "I would say you might encounter many defeats but you must never be defeated, ever.  In fact, it might even be necessary to confront defeat.  It might be necessary, to get over it, all the way through it, and go on.  I would teach her to laugh a lot.  Laugh a lot at the — at the silliest things and be very, very serious.  I’d teach her to love life, I can bet you that."

Another favorite of mine: the sign on the Bridge to Terabithia, “Nothing Crushes Us!”

In addition to standing up to those little voices most of us have, we must educate our children and grandchildren to the ways of the real world and the need for them to have undaunted spirits; to be invulnerable.

Instead of giving your kids lies, give your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take the tragedies of life to heart, so they don’t feel helpless and hopeless.

The best way to stop self-bullying or being beaten down by life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

You Don’t Have to Bully to Evaluate Honestly

Effective supervisors know that the life-blood of any company is feedback and criticism.  While both can lead to corrective action and termination, the idea is to improve attitude and performance.

You don’t have to be arrogant or a tyrant or bully to be effective.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
You Don’t Have to Bully to Evaluate Honestly
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/05/18/smallb4.html

Although some supervisors want to improve their skills and update their approach to fit new coaching and team-work paradigms, too many hesitate, thus encouraging destructive situations.  The bottom line: your team needs performance and your job is to guide the current employee or make room for someone new to produce what you need.

Feedback, even reprimand, is kinder than avoidance.  Evaluating is, in itself, success.

Magical thinking - hoping people will straighten out by themselves - doesn’t work and leaves you knowing that you’re afraid to do your job.

Generally the nicest, kindest and most caring act you, as a supervisor, can make is to provide feedback that gives employees a chance to improve in the areas where they, and you, will be judged.  Everyone needs to know the rules of the game.

Establish an environment of open give-and-take.

• Review often.  Give feedback rapidly, accurately, specifically, tactfully, firmly, legally and considerately.
• Take care of your own mental and emotional state and prepare your agenda in writing ahead of time.
• Don’t be off-handed.  Don’t be personal, sarcastic or manipulative.  Focus on behavior, not on name-calling or hallucinations about intentions.
• Begin the evaluation by listing goals accomplished, progress made, special commendations.  Give clear, specific examples of what you think happened and what’s not acceptable.
• Deal with things one at a time.  Distinguish excuses and justifications from analysis of processes that can be improved.

Ultimately, you know you must bite the bullet and honestly evaluate performance.  You’re not supposed to let things slide or make yourself a martyr by doing an employee’s job as well as your own or stab employees in the back by not evaluating them honestly.

The sooner you supervise effectively, the better the chances for success and the better you’ll feel.  That’s especially important for employees on probation where “an ounce of prevention will be worth pounds of flesh’ later.  You don’t have to be arrogant or a tyrant or bully to be effective.

The best way to overcome your hesitation and to learn effective evaluation skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Bullies: New blog set-up

Notice the new look of this blog on how to stop bullies and bullying in relationships, at school and at work.  We’ve incorporated the blog in the website and both have been transferred to Square Space.  Thanks to Alan Bucknam of Notchcode Creative for resigning the site and incorporating the blog into it.  Great job.

Of course, it’ll take a little time for me to work out any bugs in the shopping cart.  But you’ll get the same great information and advice on how to stop bullies, harassment and abuse.

You should also be able to sign up for my free, electronic newsletter, make comments, find my new posts on Facebook and Twitter, and make your own posts on social media.

What’s the price for putting up with bullies?  Slow erosion of your soul.

The best way to stop bullies in their tracks is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Bullying at Work by Temper-Tantrum Bosses

Some bosses habitually manage by temper tantrum, as if they think throwing fits is the best way to maintain authority or increase productivity.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
How to Stop Bullying at Work by Temper-Tantrum Bosses
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/06/15/smallb4.html

Don’t put up with on-going harassment, bullying and abuse.  Take effective action.

• Don’t be a martyr.
•  Don’t explode.
• Don’t repress anger.
• Don’t try to relieve the pressure by negativity.

Here are some good choices for dealing with temper-tantrums.

• Put up with it until retirement.
• Fight it strategically.  Prepare to endure a long struggle.  Use the procedures and options your company has.  Make sure that coworkers see, hear and document outbursts.  Accept that there is usually a price for blowing the whistle.
• Go be happy somewhere else.  The boss probably wants you to think that you’re so pathetic and the market is so tight, you have no other options.  Go out in style and with a safety net.  If there’s a pattern of high turnover in that boss’ unit, point out the cost of his tantrums.

If you have a lifelong pattern of tantrum-throwing bosses and/or personal relationships, do some soul searching. You probably have old, self-sabotaging beliefs and strategies.

Insist on what you want; you’ll get what you’re willing to tolerate.

If you’re a temper tantrum boss, grow up.  If you think tantrums are the only way to manage, you’re suffering from a lack of vision and creativity.  Learn to manage and exert appropriate authority humanely.

If you think that someone is forcing you to act against your will, test the assumption.  Don’t remain in an environment where fits of rage are required of you; go where you can be successful while acting decently.

Of course, there are employees who won’t respond until you get in their faces.  You still don’t have to stamp your feet and act out.  Don’t keep employees who respond only to temper tantrums.

Master yourself and stand up for your values.

The best way to stop terminally resistant, controlling, toxic, bullying employees and managers who destroy teamwork and productivity is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop School Bullying: Evaluating Your School’s Anti-Bullying Program

How can you stop school bullying?  One important step is to learn how to evaluate your school’s anti-bullying program.

Look for five signs so you can judge whether your program will actually stop bullying.  Then we’ll add the key factor that makes or breaks programs.

No matter how well-written or how expensive your school’s stop bullying program is; the ultimate test is always: Does bullying stop?  If bullying stops; great.  But if bullying continues, you must learn what to do to protect your kids from bullying.

There are five “must haves” I put in my effective, anti-bullying school programs:

1. There must be clear and escalating consequences for bullying.  Or is the program full of pious words like “respect,” but no consequences?  Are bullies removed from contact with targets?  Or are targets removed so the principal and teachers and counselors can therapeutize and rehabilitate bullies while they continue harassing their victims?  Do the school attorney and the district administrator actively support the anti-bullying program?  Are police involved at school?
2. There must be lots of publicity for the anti-bullying program in the local media and at school.  Are there assemblies for kids all during the school year?
3. Teachers, school counselors, cafeteria staff and bus drivers must be involved.  Are they taught the signs of subtle manipulation and covert bullying?  Do they know how to recognize “professional victim” bullies?  Do they know what constitutes evidence and how to document what they see and hear?
4. The kids must be excited and involved, and they must have evidence that bullies will be removed.  Are kids taught specifically what to do and who to go to if they’re bullied overtly or covertly?  Are kids taught what to do if they witness bullying?  Or are they left to be spectators and bystanders while targets are made into victims?
5. Parents must be actively involved.  Are all parents notified about the program?  Are there programs for teachers and parents to meet together during the year?  Are “test cases” publicized within the legal bounds of confidentiality?

Now for the single most important factor in making school anti-bullying programs effective: your principal.

1. All plans and programs are just words on pieces of paper.  Even the best plans have no life and power of their own.
2. What gives them life and power is the strength, energy, determination and character of the people involved; most importantly, your principal.
3. Does your principal really want to stop bullying and does he or she really know how?  Is your school principal willing to stand up to bullying kids and their bullying parents who will threaten to sue?
4. In addition to the program, does your principal have an action plan for when bullying occurs – because relentless bullies will push the boundaries of even the best anti-bullying school programs?

Look at your principal’s track record: Have any kids been removed during the past few years?  If your principal is proud that they’ve never had a case of bullying then, probably, bullying is ignored, minimized, condoned or even enabled.  Beware.  Do-nothing principals, even with the best stop bullying programs on paper, can turn targets into victims.

Parents, your task at school is to promote anti-bullying programs and to actively support principals who want to stop bullying and who need your help to back them up.  Organize a small group of committed parents to support your good principals and to pressure your reluctant or cowardly ones to take effective action.

Don’t wait for school administrators, principals, counselors and teachers to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, bullying and abuse.

Learn how to fight back against school bullying, verbally, physically and legally.

Principals and other school officials are afraid of two things.  You can use these to stimulate do-nothing, reluctant principals to take action to protect your children, the targets of bullying.  You can even use these fears to stimulate principals who otherwise ignore or even condone bullying by kids and their bullying parents.

The best way to stop bullying at school is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Determine if your school’s anti-bullying program is effective or hire Dr. Ben to help your principal develop and implement an effective anti-bullying school program.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills you need to make reluctant principals defend your kids from school bullying.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to stop bullying at work: Respond immediately to the early warning signs

The greatest loss of a company’s vital strength is usually the continual loss of productivity caused by poor performers and “rotten apples” – people with low attitudes and negative, bullying, abusive, destructive behavior.  Often, this steady draining is overlooked as a background fixture because it doesn’t show up on one specific budget line

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
How to stop bullying at work: Respond immediately to the early warning signs
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/10/12/smallb4.html

Don’t look the other way because you’re too busy or worry that it will be too difficult to remove a troublesome employee or question your own judgment or fear that replacement people will be too hard to find or too costly.  These excuses aren’t sufficient compared to the hidden costs in low morale and productivity, and high sick leave and turnover.  Generally, 95% of your people-problem time will be spent on problems caused by 5% of your people.  Despite wishful thinking, infections don’t heal by themselves.

You don’t have to be a therapist to see the early warning signs.  You do have to be savvy enough to understand the value of lancing an infection before you need transfusions or of antibiotics before gangrene sets in.  Respond rapidly to the early warning signs in order to isolate the plague carriers from the employees who can elevate their productivity in response to caring, feedback and training.

Learn to stop harassment, bullying and abuse in its initial stages by responding swiftly and effectively to early warning signs.

Some early warning signs (see original article for details).  Beware of people who:

• Proudly express negativity, envy, blame, excuses, self-righteousness and name tags like, “professional critic”; who don’t listen to or value your concerns or who don’t understand why other people do what they do.
• Continually push the boundaries and limitations; say they’re entitled to whatever they want; insist that you bend or justify the rules; up-level demands as soon as you give in; jump to conclusions; take things personally or think in all-or-none terms; refuse to accept appropriate responsibility to produce until you make conditions absolutely perfect for them according to their standards.
• Disrespect coworker’s rights or privacy; sarcastically criticize others in public or in private; refuse to praise or reward when appropriate; take all the credit but not a share of the responsibility; resist legitimate authority and accountability.
• Have no heroes or mentors.

Teach yourself to recognize and document problems while they’re still molehills.  Notice when you repeatedly avoid or appease employees because it’s distasteful to deal with them or when you feel drained just thinking about them.  Pay attention to which workers you mentally carry like monkeys on your back.  Be aware of whose slack always needs picked up by others.

Begin feedback and corrective action on day-one of probation.  Act as if the chances of getting sued by rotten apples increases by 1% each day you let them stay without documenting their behavior.

Your best safeguards are continual evaluation, documentation and determined willingness to treat problems immediately, before the infection spreads.

Employees should scrutinize bosses using the same criteria.

The best way to stop terminally resistant, controlling, toxic, bullying employees and managers who destroy teamwork and productivity is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal/Many well-meaning parents fail their kids.  They don’t prepare their kids to protect themselves from school bullying or, even worse, they turn their kids from targets into victims of harassment, abuse and bullying at school.

Of course, bullies are 100% responsible for bullying.  There are no excuses.

Also, school officials – principals, teachers and even therapists and counselors – often tolerate or even encourage school bullying and harassment by trying to educate and rehabilitate bullies, while they allow the bullying to continue; while they allow your kid to suffer.

But the major causes of problems for good kids are well-meaning parents who make their kids bigger targets for bullies.  These parents give their kids messages that hurt their kids’ chances of stopping abuse and bullying.

Here are 5 things well-meaning parents tell their kids that make them bigger targets for bullies

1. Bullies are bullied at home, they’re hurting inside, so you should accept what they do and forgive them.  Don’t make bullies feel bad.
2. If you ignore bullies, they’ll stop.
3. If you’re nice, kind and reasonable to bullies, they’ll stop bullying and become friends.
4. Never fight back verbally or physically; if you do, bullies will beat you up more.
5. Fighting is wrong; if you do, you’re just as bad; violence never solves problems.

All of these are un-true!

I’m a scientist; I do experiments and look at the results.  If your kid is kindly and nice to a bully, does the bullying stop?  If yes, wonderful.  And the bully was not a relentless bully.  He was just a kid having a bad day or needing to learn how to get along better.

But if the bullying did not stop, or the harassment and abuse got worse, your kid is facing a relentless, bullying predator and you’d better give your kid the truth about the outside world and also the skills about how to face it.

Don’t think you can protect and coddle your kid.  Don’t think that school officials will automatically protect your kid.  Don’t think you can arrange the world so your kid never faces bullies.  While you’re working to make sure your kid’s school has an effective anti-bullying program, teach your kid the truth about the world.

Here are 5 things to tell your kids so they can have the courage, strength and determination to protect themselves; so they don’t become victims:

1. Bullies, like hyenas, are attracted to weak prey – kids who don’t have friends and won’t fight back.  When bullies see that a kid’s feelings are hurt, they take that as an invitation to harass the kids even more.
2. When kids continually ignore bullies, or treat them with kindness and reasonableness, or beg them to stop, bullies take that as an invitation to abuse kids even more.
3. When a bully finds out that your kid won’t fight back, they take that as an invitation to bully even more.
4. Bullies are made bolder when other kids stand by and don’t protest.  Make friends and allies.
5. Bullies stop bullying only when they’re stopped – by your kid’s pushing back or by the authorities stopping them.  When a bully finds out that school principals, teachers or parents won’t stop them, they take that as an invitation to increase bullying.

To stop school bullying, parents must not make their kids into victims.  Instead, prepare your kid to be successful in the outside world.  Prepare your kid to read the signs in the jungle at school and to know how to respond strongly and successfully to harassment, abuse and bullying.  If you don’t, you’re making them bigger targets; you’re responsible for making them victims.

Here’s why telling kids to understand bullies hurts their chances of stopping abuse.  When kids continue trying to understand why bullies bully, they keep excusing the bullying; they keep doing therapy on the bullies and they keep hesitating to push back.

It’s as if your kid is thinking, “Until I understand why the bully is harassing me, I can’t stop it nicely by placating the bully.”

Usually, the best way to stop bullies is to stand up and push back – verbally and physically, if necessary.  Bullies usually respect kids who push back verbally or physically.

Your children may be targets. Don’t let them become victims.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think your kid is easy prey; they’ll harass your kid more.

Instead of giving your kids lies, give your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart, don’t feel helpless and hopeless, and don’t become victims of bullying-caused depression or suicide.

Don’t wait for school administrators or bullies to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, bullying and abuse.

The best way to stop controlling, bullying husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.