How to handle relentless boundary pushers at work

Negotiation and compromise are required tactics when we try to deal with unhappy or squabbling employees.  But when dealing with relentless boundary pushers, these approaches amount to appeasement.

To read the rest of this article from Business First of Louisville, see:
How to handle relentless boundary pushers at work

How do you recognize relentless boundary pushers?    

• Boundary pushers come in all sizes, shapes, sexes and levels in an organization.
• They always have reasonable explanations for their complaints and requests.  Although each demand might seem reasonable, there is a pattern.
• As soon as they receive anything through negotiation and compromise, they begin pushing another boundary.
• Pushers are relentless, selfish, narcissistic bullies.  They harass people and abuse the system.
• Pushers become unofficial power centers.

Two things should be clear:

1. You can’t negotiate or appease relentless boundary pushers to get them to stop pushing.
2. If you give in to their continued pushing, you’ll destroy professionalism and productivity in your team and your company.

I’d like to tell you that dealing with these boundary pushers is easy.  But it isn’t.  Boundary pushers aren’t satisfied with any exceptions you make on their behalf.  To them, it’s just an invitation to ask for more.

The best way to learn how to stop boundary pushers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Trust your accurate intuition

June had grown up being taught to distrust herself.

When she was a child, she often had a strong sense when someone in her extended family was being bad to her or bullying or tormenting her; when they didn’t care about her feelings.  She’d known when she’d been hurt by their harassment, criticism or sneaky put-downs.

But her parents had told her that her relatives were nice and kind, and she was wrong when she thought what they said was nasty or she was being bullying.  She should trust their judgment, not her own.  She should be a polite, quiet, good girl and not protest or make a scene.

Years later, when she had decades of history with those people, she could see when her intuition had been accurate.  Whenever she felt a certain twist in her gut or when she involuntarily ducked her shoulders in a certain way, she’d been trying to tell herself that she was indeed being attacked or set-up to feel bad.

But she’d always repressed herself and listened to her parents.  She’d talked herself out of doing anything.  She did want to be a good girl and the price for disobeying was very high.

But now that she had children of her own, she was going to set a different example.  If those relatives wouldn’t stop when she was polite then she’d make a scene.  If they didn’t like her when she pushed back verbally, she’d remove them from her life.  When they attacked her again, she’d say to herself, “Thanks for the reminder, jerk.”  And she’d decide what to do depending on the situation.

More important than her old rules about being a nice girl and never attracting attention or making a scene were her new rules about trusting her “accurate intuition,” about protecting herself and her children, and about setting a good example for her children.

She’d rather make mistakes following her own judgment than be a slave to theirs.  When she made that decision, she felt free; as if a huge weight had been removed from her shoulders.

She was excited, thinking about teaching her children to trust the signals of their accurate intuition.

The best way to learn to trust your accurate intuition and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Childish adults can ruin a workplace

If adults who act like spoiled kids are allowed to run your workplace, they’ll ruin it – and drive you crazy in the process.

Many qualities associated with children are wonderful and even necessary for a successful workplace – enthusiasm, creativity and passion, to name a few.  But self-centered, manipulative, controlling adult-children are disruptive.

Do you recognize these seven typical, destructive children and their behavioral patterns?

To read the rest of this article from the Buffalo Law Journal, Business First of Buffalo, see:
Childish adults can ruin a workplace

1. Every toy is mine. “I want it now. I’m more important than anything else. My feelings count more than anyone else’s.”
2. Look at me. “Constantly tell me I’m wonderful.”
3. I’m always right. “I’m always the smartest. I’m better than anyone else.”
4. Please me. “Make everything perfect the way I want it. If you don’t do things my way, you’ll be sorry.”
5. Poor me. “I take everything personally. Your job is to make me feel good. I’m sensitive. Don’t hurt my feelings or there’ll be trouble.”
6. You can’t make me do anything or follow the rules.
7. Passive-aggressive. “I’m the most wonderful, sweet, humble, considerate person.”

I hope you recognize the havoc these spoiled adult-children cause in the workplace.

Unlike on television or in the movies, the real world problems with these spoiled-child adults don’t always turn out for the best.  Most of the spoiled adult-children we meet have been behaving like that for years.  They don’t see the light and change.  They’re not found out and disposed of.

What you can do to insulate yourself or to stop them depends on many factors, including the relationship.

Unfortunately, people often tolerate the manipulative, bullying, abusive and disruptive behavior.  Coworkers duck and run for cover saying: “That’s just the way he or she is.  Who wants to waste their time doing something about it?”

That approach simply enables the adult-child to run the office and ruin it.  After a short time, nobody wants to come to work and the best people develop exit strategies.

The best way to learn how to change the culture of your workplace, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop righteous spouses, parents, friends

Jane’s husband always knew what was best for her and got angry when she wouldn’t follow his suggestions.  Jack’s friend knew what Jack should do to further his career and was sarcastic when Jack don’t follow his directives.  Even though she was 35 and independent, April’s parents still told her what she should do to be happy and when she didn’t follow their orders, they told the whole family what a disobedient and ungrateful child she was.

I have a personal aversion to these righteous people who harass, bully and abuse us.  They think they’re important.  They want their values and rules to rule.

They’re missionaries.  They know they’re right, they know what’s best, they have the only truth and our desires, values and opinions don’t matter.  Their logic, reasoning and opinions are their gods.

They’re adept at manipulation through criticism, guilt and recriminations: “I told you a year ago but you didn’t listen to me and look where you are now.”

They use disapproval, confrontations and your politeness to enslave you.  Get over having to be polite.  Be willing to do what you want.  If they get upset that’s their choice.  Get over the fear of confrontations.

Be willing to make your own mistakes based on your best judgment.  That’s how you’ll learn to improve your judgment in the service of your values and desires.

Don’t let these people near you.  Don’t allow them to give their opinions.  Don’t get advice from people who want to beat you into submission.  Don’t become a slave to people who want to control you because they know what’s best for you.  Get what you need from someone who simply discusses things and even gives advice with no strings attached.

You have a wide range of actions to choose from, depending on the situation.

Be prepared: Righteous, abusive, missionaries won’t change and they will strike back.  They can’t let you get away with thinking on your own and disobeying them.

The best way to stop bullying, manipulative, righteous missionaries is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bosses who want to be liked will probably fail

When your employees like you, they’re more likely to do their best for you -- and overlook some of your weaknesses.

But there are times when a desire to be liked can get in the way of your success.

Three important questions to ask yourself:

To read the rest of this article from the Portland Business Journal, see:
Bosses who want to be liked will probably fail

But the promotion triggered in Harry an intense desire to be liked by the people he supervised.  He didn’t want to be thought of as a tyrant or jerk, or as uncaring and unsympathetic.  He thought that if he gave everyone what they wanted, they’d be nice and more productive in return.  He also thought his manager would be impressed if she got reports that his staff liked him.

Consequently Harry went along with every request for personal time off, every suggested change in the physical work environment, substandard quality of work and relaxation of every deadline.

Harry’s desire to be liked and resulting attempts to avoid conflict had created huge conflicts both within the team and in their interactions with other groups.

Harry started succeeding when he started acting according to his answers to a series of questions:

Harry realized that behavioral and performance standards are more important than being liked by the wrong people for the wrong reasons.  Harry could set standards and communicate in an honest and decent way.  People who performed well and acted professionally liked him for the atmosphere he helped create and for the success they enjoyed.  Being disliked by other people was fine.

By the way, these lists can be useful in your personal life, too.

The best way to learn how to manage an efficient and effective team, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Sneaky bullies call you a bully

When you resist sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies they not only use guilt-trips, they’ll often try to manipulate you by calling your resistance bullying.  They don’t want you standing up for yourself and your standards.  They want you to back down.  They don’t want consequences for their bullying.

Whenever you hear spouses, partners, friends or co-workers do this, remind yourself that a bully is trying to get you to stop.  Toxic parents, teenagers and adult children are masters of this approach.

Smile when you realize they just reminded you what you need to do.  Trust your gut, your accurate intuition, your estimation of the situation and the pattern.

Give them one chance to break the vicious cycle.  Don’t debate or argue; you already know you’ll never win.  Don’t seek their understanding, agreement or permission to apply consequences.  They might be good for a day or a week but then they’ll go back to harassing, belittling and abusing you.  Simply say that you’ll act on what you think; not what they think.

If you’re as nasty as I am, you might say, laughingly, excited and happily, “Thanks for noticing.  I am bullying you to act according to the standards necessary to get on my turf or I won’t let you in my space.”

When they say that they’re just protecting their turf the same way, say, “Good.  You should protect your space from people like me who won’t give in to you.  You should kick me off your turf just like I’m kicking you off mine.”

Then go get a better person to be with.

The best way to stop bullying manipulative, debating, controllers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

No, your feelings aren't that important in the workplace

You might expect kids or teenagers to think their feelings matter more than anything else.

But by the time you’re an adult, you should know better.  Feelings matter but tasks and relationships usually matter more.

Some simple examples I encountered recently:

To read the rest of this article from the Minneapolis/St. Paul Business Journal, see:
No, your feelings aren’t that important in the workplace

These people think they can act out in any way they want in order to express themselves.  They look and sound like the spoiled brats from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

I call them “professional victims,” because they’re bullies who gain power and control by acting as if they’ve been wronged or victimized.  Other people cater to them in order to avoid the next explosion or they rush in to make them happy at someone else’s expense.

Some people see this kind of behavior as generational - something a spoiled younger generation does because they were raised to think their feelings are the most important things in the world.  And some might see it as the behavior of technology geeks who don’t have good inter-personal skills.

Not so in the cases I listed.  My examples involve people in their 50s, not their 20s.  They weren’t new in the workplace.  They should have known better.

Of course, feelings can be useful signals about what we like or don’t like.  But it’s a mistake to think we can or should act out in any way they drive us.

Manners have come in for a lot of criticism as outmoded and silly conventions, or as conventions one culture tries to force on another culture.  These are very limited understandings.

Manners and “professional behavior” are a kind of grace.  As Willard Spiegelman points out in his book, “Seven Pleasures,” the good grace of manners is the bedrock of a diverse society.  Grace and manners encourage and require civility.  Without them, we cannot have high standards of professional behavior and we descend into a free-for-all of self-expression.

In a free-for-all atmosphere where anything goes, the first casualties are self-discipline, restraint, tasks - and success.

The best way to learn how to create a civil, polite and results-oriented culture in your workplace, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Guilt-tripped by toxic, adult children

Toxic adult children manipulate, harass, blackmail, bully and abuse their parents in many ways.

One common method is the never ending guilt-trip.  These sneaky bullies still blame their parents for everything they haven’t gotten in life or for everything that’s going wrong for them now.  They give the loud, silent-treatment or blow up and lash out whenever they want.  They blackmail by controlling access to the grandchildren.  They justify their tirades by saying that they won’t repress their feelings any more.

I’ve seen toxic adult children at age 40, 50 and 60 still playing the same old tune, “You owe me and I’m entitled to beat you.”

Well, maybe you weren’t a perfect parent.  Maybe you weren’t as good a parent as you wish you were.  And maybe you were nicer to one child or maybe another child needed more care.

But, the long answer you know you’ve been putting off giving those selfish, spoiled, narcissistic brats is, “Grow up.  You’re an adult.  Be strong and courageous.  Make a wonderful life for yourself.  Let's have a thrilling adult relationship.  If you want anything from me, ask nice.  Use the magic words; stop trying to beat me into submission.”

So say it.  Stop being a whipping boy or girl.  Insist on good behavior in your space.  Your children need consequences in order to have a chance of changing.  They’ll never grow up if they can get away with throwing temper tantrums.

I know it’s hard.  There’s a lot on the line.  But it’s necessary.  Protect your Isle of Song.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic adult children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop workplace bullies and mobs; don't be a victim

What do you do if your coworkers gang up against you?

If one person dislikes you, you may be able to be able to communicate logically and rationally to build bridges and work through whatever’s bothering them.

But once a gang or mob has started attacking you, a reasonable approach isn’t effective and actually invites more pain.

For example:

To read the rest of this article from the Orlando Business Journal, see:
Stop workplace bullies and mobs; don’t be a victim

Suddenly it became clear. They were plotting to get her. But why? What had she done to them?

Though people who participate in these mobs always have reasons and justifications that blame the target for their bad behavior, those reasons aren’t really what motivate the attacks.

Mobbing is simply a part of human nature.  People gang up on others to exert power or control, or for the thrill of participating in a gang.  Or it can simply be the nastiness of little boys or girls who pull the legs off ants.  Sometimes, people are afraid of resisting and becoming targets also.  We have a natural, human desire to be on the winning team.

You won’t be able to stop a mob by asking them nicely to stop.  Trying to be sweet to a mob is as effective as asking a pack of hyenas to leave you alone because you’re a vegetarian.  Failing to complain verbally and in writing simply encourages them to harass and abuse you more.  They’ll see your sweetness and restraint as weakness and an invitation to pile on more.

Attempts to educate mobs don’t succeed. All the while, targets suffer.  Don’t be a victim.  Learn to push back legally, firmly and effectively.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies, individually or in mobs, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Bullying is the bully's fault

When confronted by relentless bullying, many people think that they must have done something wrong.  Covert, sneaky bullies are especially good at stimulating self-doubt, insecurity and guilt.  People think they must have been bad to the bully and that’s why they’re being harassed, abused or bullied.  

But that’s far from the truth.

Over 90% of the people who come to me with such thoughts have actually done nothing bad.  In fact, they’ve gone out of their way to be kind, accommodating and friendly to their oppressors.  They’ve tried to debate, argue and prove they’re nice.  They’ve negotiated and compromised repeatedly.  But they never got decent treatment, appreciation or respect in return.

Relentless bullies and control-freaks are never convinced.  Of course not.  As long as bullies’ attacks keep you on the defensive, they win.  Why should they stop beating you into submission?  They get what they want.

Bullying is the fault of the bully.  Bullies always have their narcissistic excuses, reasons and justifications.  Typical is the abusive spouse who says, “It’s your fault.  You made me do this to you.”  Nonsense.  Bullying is their fault.

The only problem (not fault; simply problem) their targets have is that they don’t give themselves permission to push back or they don’t know how.  Their task is to learn how.

For that 90%, once they’ve given themselves permission or the command to protect themselves, to create a bully-free “Isle of Song,” they can learn the skills they need to carry out an effective plan.

Just because it’s that simple, clear and easy to understand doesn’t make it easy to carry out.  Especially if you’ve trained bullies to think they can win if they’re persistent, they won’t make efforts to communicate, they won’t be honest, they’ll ignore previous agreements and they’ll keep pushing your boundaries.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic spouses, parents, children, friends and coworkers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Trust your accurate intuition and people's track records

Many people argue about whether you can and should trust people, or whether you can’t and shouldn’t.  Those are the wrong questions because they require you to reason your way to a generalization about all people and then to attach a moral judgment to the conclusion.

Better questions are:

To read the rest of this article from the Charlotte Business Journal, see:
Trust your accurate intuition and people’s track records

1. How accurate are your estimations about what people are likely to do?
2. Based on experience, who can you trust to do which specific behaviors?  Notice there’s no moral judgment attached to the estimations about what people are likely to do or to your tactics for responding to those conclusions.  The considerations are not about whether to be nice and give people second chances.  The questions focus on behavior, not whether the person is good or bad.

The same considerations apply with friends and extended family. We know people who:

1. Are relentlessly negative, critical, harassing, abusive and bullying.
2. Are selfish, demanding and explosive, and won’t build bridges.
3. Can be counted on to have a good time but never pay their share of the bill, and never return borrowed things or money.
4. Volunteer but then never show up.  Or they show up late, are distracted and spend the whole time talking instead of working.  Or they show up drunk.

Use your powers of observation and deduction.  Who can you lend money to and expect it returned?  Who won’t return the money, turning your loan into a “gift” or forcing you to engage in a fight to get it back?  Who can you count on to fulfill their commitments?  Who will leave you hanging?

In a new relationship, when you discover that the other person is unreliable, greedy, devious, back-stabbing or wrong and stubborn, rethink the arrangements.  Do you want to live with the arrangement -- knowing now what to expect, or to try to change them or build a bridge or extricate yourself?

What if the person in question surprises you by doing well this time?  Don’t take that to mean they’ve changed forever for the better.  Extend them credit a little at a time.  They have to prove they’ve changed over a long time before you should trust them with big bucks or your reputation.

The best way to learn how to use your accurate intuition and good judgment in the workplace and in your personal life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Caring for toxic, abusive, aging parents?

Paula Span’s article for the New York Times, “A risk in caring for abusive parents,” raises a question many people face or will face soon.  Will you care for your abuser?

In my experience, no matter how long and hard we think or debate it, no matter how many studies we make of it, there is no one-right-answer.  Your situation is unique to you, them and the circumstances.  Your choice is your choice.

In my experience, parents who harassed, abused, bullied and beat you when you were young – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – will still do the same when they’re old, by whatever means they can.  They’ll still be demanding, narcissistic users.  They’ll still try to criticize you, manipulate you, control you, embarrass you, guilt-trip you and take all your time and money.

Just so you know what you’re getting yourself in to.  You’re putting yourself in the hands of the people who tried to make you their slave.

Of course, you don’t want to do it.  Of course, there are thoughts that you’re being selfish and ungrateful; you owe them.  Of course, you know who told you that so long ago.  Of course, they say they’re dependent on you, you owe them and taking care of them is the moral thing to do.  Of course, I don’t believe a word of that.

And of course, you’ll get depressed if you do it.  You’ll think they always win and you always lose.  They always get what they want and you always pay for it, one way or another.  You’re sacrificing your life, your happiness, your family for their wants again.  You still can’t make them pay for what they did to you.  There’s no justice or mercy.

So if you choose to take care of your abusive, toxic parents do it with a clear vision of what will happen.  And, if it gets too difficult, you can stop.  Or, maybe, just don’t start.  Sometimes it’s easier to love people when they’re thousands of miles away and you don’t have to speak to them.  Especially people you don’t like.

The best way to stop being used by toxic, bullying, selfish, narcissistic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Beware of relentless critics who really want to rule the office

Being critical is important to success.  You need a critical, negative filter to help you see what might go wrong.

However, you also need to stop people who use relentless criticism and negativity to build their own unofficial kingdoms and power.  They’re not interested in creating anything.  They’re only interested in being the king or queen of the sandbox.

To read the rest of this article from the Nashville Business Journal, see:
Beware of relentless critics who really want to rule the office

For example, Harry is proud to be known as “Mr. Negativity.”  He rips everyone else’s ideas and plans to shreds and attacks the “idiot” who came up with the idea.  Loudly and obnoxiously he makes people look weak, foolish and stupid.

Harry is overt.  But Helen is sneaky.  She smiles sweetly when she cuts something or someone to ribbons.  She talks behind people’s backs and always drops embarrassing reminders of past failures.  She justifies her actions by using values everyone believes in – preventing embarrassing mistakes and making the team more productive.

Their unending criticism is directed at undercutting the authority of managers they don’t like.   Harry and Helen never compromise.  They always have good “reasons” for what they do.  Other people are always at fault.  Other people should change to make them happy.

The Harrys and Helens of the world create fear and submission.  They’ve discovered that when they’re displeased with everything, people try to please them.

Why do weak supervisors allow their power to be usurped?  See the article for details.

These power-hungry, negative, critical, harassing and bullying people won’t change.  Gentle guidance, appeasement, begging and bribery won’t satisfy them.  They know they get more of what they want – turf, control, power – by continuing to complain.  If one complaint is satisfied, they’ll always find a new one.  They create hostile workplaces.

We can try to get along with people who also try to get along with us.  But we shouldn’t waste our lives trying to satisfy people who’ll never be satisfied unless they rule the whole kingdom.

The best way to learn how to stop relentless critics and to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Righteous people at work will self-destruct

Jared and Jason had a big problem.  They “knew” they were always right.  And, of course, that was their big mistake.

Ultimately, it cost them their jobs.  But they caused a lot of pain and disruption before that happened.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see:
Righteous people at work will self-destruct

According to Jared, Ann’s word was her word.  So he emailed her what he thought.  He wrote, in so many words, she was a liar and unethical; deceptive and sneaky, incompetent and back-stabbing, and a few other names we can’t print here.  She should be fired.  He wondered who she was sleeping with to keep her job.

Upon reflection, he thought he hadn’t gone far enough.  Everyone should know about her.  It was his duty to warn them. So he emailed a copy of his original message to Ann’s supervisor and every member of the team.

Since he was sure he was right, Jared thought it was his free-speech right to say it. He was appalled when his superiors had the nerve to write him up in a behavior-improvement form.  Jared was convinced that since he didn’t agree with his supervisor, he didn’t have to do what he wanted.

In a separate situation, Jason thought Steve was a jerk.  Steve’s reports were lame and his ideas were dumb.  At meetings, Jason laughed openly at Steve and told him what he thought, in so many words.  Jason was certain Steve was upset because Jason’s charges were true and Steve couldn’t stand being exposed.

Jason couldn’t understand why other people thought Steve was doing fine.  However, he knew he was right.

These examples may seem too ludicrous to be true, but they are. Both Jared and Jason had acted the same ways before and previous supervisors had never done anything that resulted in consequences.

The issue wasn’t free-speech.  The issue was harassment, bullying, abuse and the creation of a hostile workplace.

Of course, it’s harder to detect sneakier people who are certain they should make the rules.

The Jareds and Jasons of the world usually self-destruct by exposing themselves.  But, in the meantime, they cause a lot of disruption.  Don’t ignore any Jareds and Jasons on your staff.

The best way to learn what to do to stop know-it-alls and righteous bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic, narcissistic parents want everything

Tom’s toxic, narcissistic parents always wanted everything he had.  Even though he was 40 and had his own family, they wanted him to do everything for them whenever they wanted.  Even though they were in good health and had money, they wanted all of his.  They bled him dry – drop-by-drop, pint-by-pint.

How could he not give them what they wanted?  Would that mean he was an ungrateful, uncaring son?  How can he not trust them; they’re his parents?  How could he resist; they’re his family?  They tell him that blood is the most important thing…and it seems to him that they want all of his.

First let’s begin not by asking about whether Tom can trust all people or not trust all people.  That’s a foolish question.  What’s important is that he trust his accurate estimation of what they’ve done and what they’re likely to do.

Tom knows his abusive, manipulative, controlling parents are typical:

1. They want Tom to give them everything he has when they want it.  They’re demanding and insistent.  When he gives them what they want, they want more.  It’s never enough.  When they change their minds, they want him to give him what they now want immediately.  There will always be new wants.
2. No matter what he does he’s wrong.  They find reasons to blame him and guilt-trip him no matter what he does.  He’s always at fault; he’s never good enough.  
3. If they’re sweet for a few minutes, he knows they’re just buttering him up.  They’re just making friends with his wallet or his spare time.  It’s like they’re putting a quarter in his parking meter to keep him from resisting.  In a minute they’ll demand something from him.  
4. It’ll go on forever.  They’ve changed tactics a little as he’s grown older, but it never really changes.  Their way of getting what they want is to verbally beat him into submission or guilt trip him like he was a little boy.
5. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for what they want, why he should give it to them and why he’s bad if he doesn’t.  He owes them his life, his present and his future.  He owes them all his energy and all the fruits of his labor.

Narcissistic, toxic parents are bullies.  They know all your guilt buttons and they know how to bully you into submission.  They don’t stop.  They rarely change, even after a near death experience.

What did Tom do?

1. He faced his first decision: which counts more to get into his personal space; blood or behavior?  He decided that having high behavioral standards was most important, even from his parents, relatives and friends.  People had to behave nicely and not take advantage of him or browbeat him into submission by being nasty or guilt-tripping him.  Now that he was an adult, he’d set his own standards and have his own rules.  He’d keep score of their actions, not their excuses.
2. He’d be polite but he wasn’t going to be their servant or banker.  When they got nasty, he’d hang up.  When they got relatives to intervene, he’d speak up about how his parents had always treated him.  He’d test his relatives to see which recognized what his parents had always done and would take his side.  He was surprised at how many did, once he took a stand.
3. He’d follow his accurate instincts instead of talking himself out of doing what he felt was right for him.  He saw that his true family was the one he’d made as an adult; the family of his heart, mind and spirit.  They appreciated and respected him.  They didn’t want his money or him waiting on them.
4. He’d test to see if his parents would ever change.  He’d know only after repeated and on-going change, not niceness one-time.  Since he’d always been the one to initiate contact, they’d have to be the ones who called him and they wouldn’t ask for anything or start putting him down.
5. He prepared himself for when they tried to hook him by being sick and needy.

An exercise that helped Tom gain his distance and feel like an adult, free from remorse, blame or guilt, had three parts:

1. He started thinking of them by their first names, not by the relationship of his childhood – “mom” and “dad.”
2. He spoke about them to other people by their first names, not by “my mom” or “my dad.”
3. He prepared himself to call them by their first names when he talked with them.

Tom got free from the entanglement, enmeshment and suffocation he’d felt for so many years.  His confidence and self-esteem soared like never before.

The best way to stop being used by bullying, selfish, narcissistic parents (and friends) is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Who's to blame for sexting?

In a Wall Street Journal article, “Blame parents, not kids, for sexting,” Leonard Sax exonerates teenage girls for sexting, teenage boys for pressuring girls to expose themselves, teenagers who post the photos and kids who harass and abuse the exposed girls.  He gives them a free pass because, “They’re just kids.”  He blames only incompetent parents.

This is nonsense.

1. It’s based on the idea that he can point the finger at only one party in a whole situation, and then, having affixed guilt and shame, tell them how to straighten out.  There’s much more blame to go around and it depends on each individual situation.
2. I blame boys who harass and bully the girls into exposing themselves.  I blame girls who relent and expose themselves.  I blame boys and girls who post these photos.  I blame kids who pile on and harass and abuse the exposed girl.  Does Dr. Sax really think that 11-12 year-olds don’t know the consequences of sexting?  Does he really think this kind of pressuring and exposure is new, even though the technology to expose wider and faster and forever is new?  Does he really think kids don’t have free will and knowledge about the possible consequences?
3. I blame parents who don’t educate their kids on the dangers of sexting or of posting photos that can open someone up to attack.  I blame parents who have allowed their kids to think that because someone didn’t intend to do something stupid or wrong, it doesn’t count.

Obviously, I think that each party bears the burden of doing better.

Statistics don’t really matter.  What’s important is what you are doing or not doing in your individual family.  Are you giving in to every demand of your children?  Are you not monitoring and imposing consequences?  Do you think your kids will be damaged if they don’t keep up socially or sexually with the other kids?

To kids, I say, “When are you going to transition from feeling tested to please other kids and to fit in, to testing other kids and deciding who you want to keep in your world?”  Do you think you can control everything on a phone or in cyberspace?

These kind of mistakes and exposures have been around as long as we have recorded history.  This is nothing new.

The best way to stop sexting, posting and sharing, and to help your family deal with bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to steer clear of workplace gossip and secrets

Who doesn’t like to be in on a secret? There’s something very alluring about being in the know.

But be careful. Sometimes people who come bearing secrets bring irritation, trouble and danger with them.

When someone wants to share private information, don’t automatically agree to listen and keep their information confidential. Think carefully. Consider the source. For some examples and responses that get you out of the middle:

To read the rest of this article from the Tampa Bay Business Journal, see:
How to steer clear of workplace gossip and secrets

While some people may be annoying time-wasters, others are dangerous carriers of confidences. They’re sneaky, manipulative, negative back-stabbers. They want to sucker you into the middle of a fight.

These people count on the rest of us honoring our promises of secrecy above all else. However, my general rule of survival is to give myself permission to change my mind once I know the information.

A better rule of thumb is to assume that there’s a hidden agenda when anyone wants you to commit to secrecy before they tell you something. If you say “yes,” you’ll become a pawn in their game. You’re better off not knowing.

Of course, sometimes people do need a shoulder. The question is, how often do they come, and with what kind of information?

Get past fears of being ostracized or attacked, stop being bullied by your ideas of politeness and consider what you want to pay attention to. Overcoming an addiction to melodrama might advance your career.

The best way to learn what to do to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Do-Nothing school administrators and shootings at Arapahoe High School

Beware of school officials who say, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”  They won’t protect your children from bullies or assassins.  They’ll coddle, therapeutize or avoid those killers.

Cameron Rust is currently the Defensive Coordinator for the Varsity Football Team, the head Sophomore Baseball Coach and one of the three security guards at Arapahoe High School.

In a blog post, he reveals that the administration of Arapahoe High School had been warned by the security guards numerous times of the menace posed by Karl Pierson, 18, long before he appeared on campus with a 12-gauge shotgun, machete, Molotov cocktails and more than 125 rounds of ammunition.  He shot fellow senior Claire Davis, 17, and minutes later killed himself, but authorities have said the weaponry he packed was a sign that he meant to harm many.  Claire died eight days later.

The school administration did nothing to stop Mr. Pierson.

The details will be argued about for a long time.  The high school administration will present itself as stuck; unable to do anything to stop Mr. Pierson until he had actually committed a crime.  Mr. Rust’s motives and statements will become the focus of the Littleton School District administrators’ defense.

A quoted statement by Littleton Public Schools Superintendent Scott Murphy, reported in the Denver Post, tells us exactly what happened.  In response to pointed questions, Mr. Murphy said, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”

Beware.  District Superintendent Murphy just used code words that speak volumes.
He can’t believe that anyone would shoot unarmed kids in a school.  His kids all have “positive goodwill and good intentions.”  And Arapahoe High School is a few miles from Columbine High School.

He is more concerned with the psyche and eventual rehabilitation of Karl Pierson than he is in protecting the other kids at Littleton Public Schools.  He’d throw all his resources at Karl Pierson.  He’d do nothing to remove Mr. Pierson because he believes “…in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”

Murphy didn’t choose Claire Davis as the lamb he sacrificed for his beliefs but he was offering up at least one of the children in his care.

Anyone who says, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people,” will do-nothing to stop the Karl Pierson’s of the world.  They will all them to harass, threaten, bully and abuse while they hope that one more chance will finally give the Karl Pierson’s enough chances to overcome their desires to slaughter people.

As long as we tolerate administrators who believe like Murphy, we will open our doors to assassins like Pierson and we will have many more innocent victims like Claire Davis.

The best way to stop do-nothing administrators and protect your children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively despite resistance by ignorant, incompetent and cowardly administrators.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free schools your children need.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

You can't rehabilitate all the bad actors in a workplace

Many well-meaning people believe everyone is good at heart and that strong leaders and great managers can rehabilitate any employee, including bullies, jerks, backstabbers and slackers.

They’re wrong.

In fact, the philosophical question “Can you rehabilitate everyone” is the wrong question. Better questions are “How long do you want to give bad actors access to their targets” and “What’s the cost to co-workers if you let bad actors remain in the workplace?”

Let’s look at two similar examples, with very different outcomes.

To read the rest of this article from the Memphis Business Journal, see:
You can’t rehabilitate all the bad actors in a workplace

How do you know an apology is sincere?
You can’t judge the sincerity of an apology by the tone of voice used, the body language or the emotion shown. That may be nothing more than good acting. An apology is sincere when the behavior changes.  The opposite of a sincere apology is not one that looks insincere. It’s one in which there’s no behavioral change

Does Harry have a good heart? Can Harry be rehabilitated or is he a lost cause?
These are the wrong questions. And the focus is too narrow because it’s only on Harry. It doesn’t include Sarah, the target.  How many times do you want to give Harry access to Sarah? Does Sarah get to vote on how many verbal lashings she must endure while Roger educates and rehabilitates Harry? Is Sarah and Harry’s company in business as a therapeutic organization for Harry while Sarah suffers?

If you focus only on helping the perpetrator, you enable bullying and violence. Initially, Sarah was a target of Harry’s abuse. But by not protecting Sarah, Roger converted her into a victim.

The best way to learn what to do to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic parents/Abusive husbands lie

Toxic parents and abusive husbands will lie.  They’ll lie to you and they’ll lie to themselves.  They’ll tell lies to relatives, friends and even strangers to make you look bad and to turn them against you.  Of course, abusive, controlling wives act the same way.

When you finally stand up against those manipulative parents and bullying husbands, be prepared.

Shine a light on their tactics and see who believes you or them.  Tell other people you’re going to stand up in public and that if they hear bad things about you or if they feel upset or hurt when they’re told things about you, you’d like them to call you so you all can discover the truth.

Standing up in public is important.  Speak openly and honestly.  Call lies and bullying what they are.  Bullies want you to keep silent because you’re embarrassed or polite.  Don’t argue, debate or try to prove your case.  Don’t let them distract you.  Just state the truth and your outrage over and over.

Remind other people about your character.  Remind them of their past history dealing directly with you.  Who has been the lying manipulators and who have been the targets?

Then remove from your inner circle anyone who believes the perpetrators.  Remember, you are not proving yourself to a judge and jury.  You are testing other people and will allow them close to you only if they believe you.

Overt bullies are easier to catch.  Covert, sneaky bullies are harder to get evidence about.  But you can count on most people in the family finally figuring it out.  In addition, when you start standing up against the harassment and lies in public, many others will follow your lead and become witnesses and allies.  And you’ll become stronger and more courageous.

The best way to stop toxic parents and abusive husbands, and to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.