In his article for MSNBC, “Rules to curb online bullying raise concerns,” Alex Johnson discusses the need for laws to prevent cyberbullying and also details situations in which schools can overreact in the enforcement of those rules. The case of teenager Avery Doninger is particularly glaring. The underlying thrust of the article is the need to create exactly the right laws that will give the right result in every situation. Situations like the cyberbullying suicide case last year make good laws critical.

The real problem is not necessarily the law; it’s the hidden assumption that cyberbullying laws can ever be made “just right” for all situations – never too lax, never too harsh. That assumption overlooks history and human nature. The letter of the law can never cover all situations with “just right” justice. We always depend on human wisdom in the law’s application to specific situations. That’s just the way it is – for better or for worse.

Our society is in the stage of figuring out where we want to draw the lines about a new method, cyberbullying, that bullies and perpetrators use to harass, abuse and attack adults and children. That’s our normal trial and error process. There’s no easy answer for protecting kids online. Actually, we make laws in hopes that they’ll yield justice in, say, 95% of the cases that come up. No matter what laws we make in any area of life, there will be specific situations in which a literal or dumb interpretation leads to an under or over-reaction. That’s where we hope the individuals involved use good sense and good judgment.

In the case of Avery Doninger, the real question is: Is the law bad or did the school principal get defensive and over-react by not giving a second chance to a good and contrite student who learned an important lesson or is there more we don’t know about Avery?

We’re stuck with the fact that laws, by themselves, will never cover every situation, no matter where we draw the lines; whether it’s about cyberbullies, verbal bullies or physical bullies. I look carefully at the application of any law in a specific situation before rushing in to change the law. Often the problem is in the application, not in the law itself. That’s why we have Appeals Courts.

Separate from the general laws are the specific situations involving my kids and your kids (and adults). My job is to monitor my children:

Do they look like they’re having a hard time and may be being attacked by a cyberbully? Are they having difficulty dealing with it? How can I help them deal with it by themselves or do I need to intervene?
Are they witnessing cyberbullying and are they struggling to know whether or how to intervene?
Are they creating a hard time for someone else (are they cyberbullies)? How do I stop them and help them develop the character to make amends and do better next time?
Should they even be using MySpace or FaceBook or any social networking sites? What else would be a better use of their time and energy?

I’m going to get my answers to those questions by observing them, talking to them and, maybe, using good software like PC Pandora to monitor what they’re doing (http://blog.pcpandora.com/2009/01/29/do-new-cyberbullying-laws-go-to-far/).

Cyberbullies and cyberbullying will be with us no matter what laws we make. We hope the laws will help us deal effectively with most of them.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same. That’s why we can find methods to stop most of them. If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

When children and teens learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill. They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults. Coaching designed for the specific situations faced by individual parents and teenagers is critical.

In his post on the Wall Street Journal Blog, “Should Parents Crack Down on Teasing?”, John J. Edwards III asks if parents are cracking down too much on teasing. Comments ranged from the need for children to learn to fight back to the need for children to learn empathy and tolerance. Also, there was no clarity about what criteria to use to judge whether teasing was beneficial or bad or wrong. When two people agree to tease and they stay within the limits and boundaries, teasing can be a lot of fun. And even allow things to be said in a friendly way that might be hard to say or hear in other ways.

But when only the “teaser” wants to tease, and the “teasee” doesn’t want it, then it’s bullying. Whether the teasing is racist, sexist, focused on disabilities, or because someone is small or smart or different, or the teasers simply enjoy having a scapegoat, or it’s done through cyberbullying – it’s still bullying!

That simple guideline is the same for teasing between adults as well as teasing of and by children or teenagers. It’s also the same for teasing at work.

The effects on the “teasee” can be very damaging if the “teasee” doesn’t rise up and stop it. When the “teasee” stops it, he or she grows much stronger in character, courage and skill.

Within our family, we helped the kids see the limits beyond which teasing became hurtful. When teasing was outside our family, we helped the kids see a continuum from fun teasing, through teasing you might ignore or tolerate, to learning to stop bullying and bullies. Sometimes you have to move up the scale to fighting back. If you do, make sure you’re effective. I wrote about my experiences in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and there are other examples in the book and CDs, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same. That’s why we can find ways to stop them.

True bullies will interpret our empathy, kindness and tolerance as weakness. They’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, it’ll encourage them to attack us more. The bully will show you how far you need to go to stop them. Get out of your comfort zone and stop them.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they will develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill. They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real-world bullies they’ll face as adults. I learned effective techniques through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.