Edna realized her husband and one of her adult daughters were worse than uncaring, they actually enjoyed making her suffer.
Her husband never asked what she wanted or did what she asked. He was negative, critical, bullying and abusive. He never acknowledged or talked about her feelings. He was the dictator; she never got to vote; her job was to support whatever he wanted and make it work. Sometimes he’d agree to do what she wanted but at the last minute he’d say they couldn’t go. Or he’d go but be grumpy, angry and belligerent and ruin the occasion. He was destroying her self-esteem and self-confidence.
That adult daughter used similar tactics but she was more overt. She’d berate and yell at Edna in public and in front of the whole family. She’d tell everyone lies about how Edna had hurt her, not protected her from her father and denied her any fun. Edna had been a terrible mother and should be punished for her crimes.
The problem wasn’t that her husband was on the Autism/Asperger’s scale; it was that he enjoyed tormenting and hurting her.
For years, Edna had always found reasons and excuses to minimize and overlook what he said and did. She excused him because she thought he was on the scale and couldn’t pay any attention to her feelings and pleas, and he never talked about feelings with her. Then she realized he’d always expressed his feeling in words and actions. He was clear: he was the dictator and ruled with an iron fist. She was his property and her job was to serve him. He told her how he felt and what he wanted. He said he knew what she felt and wanted, but that didn’t matter. He always did what he wanted and expected her to act the way he’d commanded.
Her daughter had grown up and saw who won. She’d chosen his tactics.
She summed it up clearly for Edna: “A good and loving parent's job is to make me happy by giving me everything I want. You have to accept me as I am or you won’t see your grandchildren.” Edna's feelings and wishes didn't matter. Actually, Edna realized her daughter knew how to hurt her whenever she wanted to.
Edna was told she was supposed to forgive, give and endure.
Other people in the family tried to get Edna together with her daughter. They said Edna had to be the one to rise above her feelings because that’s just the way her daughter was. Of course, Edna was inclined to accept punishment; all her life she’d been trained to give in to other people.
But at Thanksgiving, she’d seen her daughter’s face when she was telling Edna she’d changed her mind about letting Edna see her grandchildren that weekend. Edna saw her daughter’s face twisted with hate and rage. She’d never forget that face.
Life is not to be lived to see how much pain you can tolerate while you forgive perpetrators.
Edna decided she mattered. She wasn’t going to tolerate pain and torment. She wanted a life free from bullying, abuse and pain. She wanted to be free of guilt when she stood up for what she wanted. She didn’t want to be part of a family that insisted she endure torture and slavery.
Edna’s epiphany and determination were the key.
She kept the image of her daughter’s face where she could always see it. It was hard and it took time, but Edna succeeded. She moved away from her old life and into her new life, step-by-step.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.