How to Stop School Bullying: Getting Information

After you think you’ve seen signs that your kid might be bullied, the next step in stopping harassment and bullying at school is to get the information you need, even if your kid is reluctant to talk. You’ve observed each child individually and compared with how he/she was before.  How to stop school bullying begins with your willingness to pry, no matter how reluctant your child is to talk.

Five questions you can ask are:

1. What’s happening?
2. Tell me about the school bullies?
3. How do the teachers, principal, bus drivers and cafeteria staff protect kids in your school from bullies?
4. What happens in your school’s anti-bullying program?
5. How do you and your friends stand up to bullies when you see other kids being teased, taunted or bullied?

Don’t be a tyrant or inquisitor, but do keep asking.

If you suspect your kid is being bullied, you can also get information by:

1. Asking the parents of your kid’s friends.
2. Talking to the teachers, counselors, principal, school district administrators and school board members, if you have to.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Conflict-Avoidant Managers Don't Know How to Stop Bullying

If you have a consistent pattern of avoiding evaluations, criticism, and potential conflict at work; if you hope that problems will solve themselves if left alone; if you think that the best way to motivate all employees is to give constant praise and more benefits; if you won’t say, clearly and honestly, “That’s not good enough,” then you can’t be an effective manager. You’ll create a hostile workplace; you’ll never stop bullies and bullying.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Conflict Avoidant Managers Don't Know How to Stop Bullying http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2000/08/14/smallb4.html

“Conflict avoidant” or “conflict phobic” managers get less peace and more trouble than they hope for.  When you give up authority, standards and accountability you only make space for harassment, bullying and abuse at work to grow larger.  Professional behavior and productivity decrease, decent employees act out, pathological harassment and bullies (never satisfied by appeasement) take over and the best employees bail.

Two examples:

1. A manager who hated confrontation and conflict supervised a team for 15 years with no performance evaluations for professional staff, all discussions done individually behind closed doors, no public disagreements allowed and all major decisions made by consensus.

The results were inevitable: crucial plans were rarely implemented; two door-slamming, senior staff took control because other employees were afraid to protest; warring cliques formed; negativity, rumors, blame, abuse and scapegoating ran rampant; bullying escalated; turnover of both professional and support staff soared.

1. Another organization that prided itself on being caring and people-centered had not released an employee in 10 years. One employee, Rebecca, was brilliant and entertaining but was a mediocre performer who spent most of her time chatting with unproductive cronies. Her supervisor had never documented her poor performance and excessive socializing. In contrast, Grace had worked there only 6 months but had done a productive job that could have been well documented.

The supervisor preferred Grace and wanted Rebecca to leave. But, of course, Rebecca and her cronies used bullying tactics to stay and to force Grace to leave.  Why should a good producer work with managers and staff who accept dishonesty, slacking and mediocrity?

A consistent pattern of conflict avoidance is always backed by rationalizations, excuses and justifications.  Conflict avoidant managers are usually afraid of displeasing others. Actually, they’re afraid of the bullies while they ignore the pain and anger of the bullied targets.

Responsible adults don’t whine, “Why can’t we all just get along?”  They do something about it.  Leaders set the tone at work and make it happen.  If your prime directive is to get along and never confront anyone, stick to recreation sports and don’t go into business.

If you’re not sure how to evaluate; learn.  Learn to convert confrontation and conflict into discussion, and to apply the necessary accountability procedures routinely, fairly, firmly and matter-of-factly.

If you think it’s wrong to evaluate and be demanding or if you’re cowardly, then you’re not a manager.  You’ll never stop bullies or lead a high performance team, you’ll run your part of the organization into the ground and you’ll leave a really messy diaper for someone else to clean up.  You’re being disloyal to your company, your own career and the people who depend on you.

Stand up for high standards – set the tone and do the work.  Of course it’s hard - if it was easy, anyone could do it.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement an anti-bullying plan that fits the situation at work.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop School Bullying: Recognize Signs

The first step in show to stop bullying and harassment at school is to be able to recognize the signs that your kid may be being bullied. Observe each child individually and compare with how he/she was before.

1. Do they have physical bruises, torn clothes and “lost” or broken possessions?
2. Have they become reluctant to go to school?  Do they want to transfer schools?
3. Have their grades slipped?
4. Have they stopped after-school activities?  Do they want you to pick them up after school?
5. Have they stopped talking about school? Do they ask how you stopped bullying when you were in school?
6. Have they become emotionally labile – very sensitive, easily upset, moody, grumpy, cry a lot?  Do they ask general or indirect questions about stopping bullies in school? Have they given up?  Do they talk about how hopeless or pointless life is or about suicide?
7. Do they isolate themselves – no longer talk to friends, hide in their rooms after school, stop using the computer or stay on computer instead of interacting with the family?  Do they say that former friends aren’t friends any more?
8. Have they stopped taking care of their personal stuff?
9. Have they stopped eating or are they ravenous after school because bullies took their lunch?  Do they have trouble sleeping or have nightmares?

Next time we’ll talk about how to get the information about how to stop bullying that you need even if your kid isn’t talking.

Circle the signs that you see and contact Dr. Ben at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543) for your free diagnosis and treatment plan to prevent school bullying and suicide.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Managers - Evaluate Honestly and Consistently or Fail

Have you caught yourself or other managers whining about staff, “They should have gotten that done but they just goofed off.”  Or “I expected them do that without direction but when I checked, they got it all wrong.  And look at what we pay them.”  Or “I have to do everything myself; no one trained them and I can’t trust them.” Stop whining and start managing; the buck stops at your desk.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Managers – Evaluate Honestly and Consistently or Fail

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/02/12/smallb4.html

Whether you have inexperienced or experienced people, train and manage them so you’re thrilled with their work.  There are no excuses – it’s your job.  Learn to do it well or do something else.

The key to management is honest, consistent evaluation – and all the steps that go into effective and appropriate course correction.  If you don’t track consistently, you’ll spend much more time picking up the pieces.  Sporadic or dishonest tracking reinforces poor performance, fear, hostility, anger and lawsuits.

Some of the keys to successful managing are (see the original article for details):

1. Know each person.  Estimate how long you think each task will take.  Integrate, prioritize and agree on professional and personal goals, and standards of behavior and communication.
2. Clarify what the final product or service will look like.  Determine milestones and timelines, final goals and deadlines.  Don’t wait until the last minute.
3. Specify responsibility, authority, support (resources, personnel) and constraints.  Clarify what they can do their way and what must be done your way or the company way.  Clarify accountability.  Clarify rewards and consequences.
4. Determine what to do if there’s a question, problem or new information to be taken into account.
5. Now manage – oversee the project. Give accurate, honest feedback.  Keep records.
6. Remove poor performers, trouble-makers, bullies and people with low attitudes.

You can’t manage if you’re afraid, lazy, a control freak or too busy.  What you don’t evaluate, won’t matter – you’re telling them that it’s OK if they blow it off or do it poorly.

Stand up for the standards – set the tone and do the work.  Of course it’s hard - if it was easy, anyone could do it.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Tips on how to stop bullying

The Full-Time Nanny site has a list of 30 blogs that feature the best advice on how to stop bullying. I’m grateful that BulliesBeGone.com is mentioned in the section on how to stop bullying in the workplace.

Other categories of bullying are:

• How to stop bullying in schools.
• Anti-bullying, school initiatives.
• Anti-bullying support groups and charities.
• Personal experience blogs.
• How to stop online bullying and harassment.

The article points out that, “as many as 70% of children become the victim of bullying at one point in their lives.  Despite increased efforts by support groups, charities and schools, the problem persists.  However, bullying is not confined to the classroom and playground – bullying exists in the greater community, online and in the workplace.”

Also, “Bullying leaves the victim feeling isolated, worthless and often depressed or suicidal.  The culture of bullying is present in every country across the globe, with no sign of being eradicated.

Of course, I think our practical and real-world work coaching and consulting is outstanding in all of these areas.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Promote Yourself by Promoting Your Leader

What do successful leaders look for when they hire or promote people to front line supervisor, manager or even other leadership positions?  The same guidelines you must follow if you’re the appointee and want to serve and manage your leader successfully. To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Promote Yourself by Promoting Your Leader

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/03/26/smallb4.html

Technical skills are just the beginning; what usually makes or breaks performance are the attitudes and actions that reinforce a good working relationship in the workplace.

If you’re the leader wanting to help yourself and your manager succeed, be clear about what you can give and what you want.  Review the list below together.

If you’re the new appointee, follow these guidelines to promote both yourself and the leader.  There’s a different set to follow if you’re out to stab the leader in the back. See the original article for details.

• Make the leader as efficient and effective as possible.  Adjust your style to what the leader needs to be comfortable.  Don’t try manipulation, harassment or bullying to make the leader conform to yours.
• No good decision can be made in a vacuum.  Find out the leader’s priorities for you - especially if they’re not articulated or clear.  Argue if necessary to iron them out, but then make them yours.
• Learn how the leader thinks.  Have ready what you’ll be asked for.  Learn the leader’s guiding principles, values, bottom lines and red flags - make them yours.
• Clarify appropriate measures for your team’s performance, track them and review the results with the leader.
• No Surprises.  Make sure the leader hears bad news from you in plenty of time to develop a backup plan.
• Trust is priceless - cultivate the deserved reputation for being above board.
• Cover the leader’s back.  No negativity, bad-mouthing or back-stabbing.
• Don’t make the boss do your dirty work; don’t even allow it.  Don’t nag and don’t say that you told them so.
• Think of the best interests of the whole company, not just your own turf.

Your job is not limited to your job description; it’s to succeed and make the leader look good.  When you hire your staff, make them buy in to the same list in support of you.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Entitled Teenagers Think Their Feelings Come First

Do you have trouble getting your teenagers to do what they don’t want to?  Do your entitled teenagers think their feelings come first in all things? How about your two-year olds or ten year-olds?

Of course, babies must try to get the world – their parents – to give them everything they need.  They’d die if they didn’t get us to feed them even when it’s inconvenient for us – say, at two in the morning or when we want a romantic evening or we want two minutes of peace and quiet.

Our task is to teach them, in age and stage appropriate ways, as they grow up, that:

• Their feelings are not the most important things in the world.
• There are many times when tasks and other people are much more important than their feelings.
• They can change their feelings.
• They shouldn’t let themselves be ruled by their feelings.
• It's not the end of the world if they don't get what they want.

If they don’t learn these crucial lessons, they’ll grow up selfish, narcissistic and weak, with no self-discipline.

In fact, graduating well from college often demonstrates the ability to be self-disciplined, delay gratification and do many things students think are stupid and useless.  Completing college shows job recruiters that the person is willing to do what’s necessary even under adverse circumstances – good qualities for a job, a marriage and being a good parent.

But if we’ve given into our kids from age two until they’re teenagers, we’re in for a tough time.  It’s hard to begin to teach them those lessons when they’re teenagers.  Think of most of the kids from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory;” examples of arrogant, entitled, rotten brats.

Nevertheless, we must begin.  We must:

• Set boundaries and limits, with real consequences if they don’t participate gracefully and graciously.  Asking without consequences is begging.
• Teach them that we will require them do some other things for other people and that some tasks are more important than whether they want to or not.  To demonstrate maturity and responsibility worthy of rewards they must do these obligations willingly, pleasantly and competently.
• Acknowledge their feelings (“Of course, you feel that way”) especially when we point out that just because they feel that way, doesn’t mean they get what they want from us or from the world.
• Teach them not to waste their time fighting with us to get what they want, but instead to struggle to get what they want against the least of them and against the world.  They cannot allow their anger to control them.  Calling us names, cursing, yelling or physical violence will get them severe consequences – even the police.
• Praise and encourage the wonderful person we know or hope is still living deep within them, wanting to emerge and take charge of their lives.  That inner spirit can learn other techniques to get what they really need.

The more even-handed and matter of fact we are, the more we apply our standards calmly and smilingly, but firmly and without negotiation or argument, the more we’ll succeed.  If your teenager fights to the death over everything, you have a very serious problem.

I am certainly not saying that they never get to vote on what they do or even get to rule in certain areas.  I am certainly not saying that we should break their spirits or beat them into submission.

I am saying that we insist they be part of a community that sometimes requires them to serve goals and relationships more important than their feelings.

Of course, they will resist.  They will:

• Try to manipulate, harass, bully and abuse us like they’ve done before.
• Try to get us into arguments about what’s fair.
• Pretend that if they’re not convinced, they don’t have to do things they don’t want.
• Try to blame, guilt and shame us.

A good guideline for us might be, “I’ll consider what you want if you make it fun for me.  And you will still have to do some things you don’t feel like.  And you will never get what you want by whining, complaining or trying to beat me into submission.”

Usually, as the teenagers get close to leaving home on their own or as we prepare to throw them out, we begin to back off.  We see that, as much as we worry, they simply won’t learn from our words of wisdom but, instead, they’ll only learn when the world teaches them these lessons.

We can prepare for when they’re gone by saying that we look forward to an adult relationship.  We won’t nag them about all the things we do now when we see them every day and when they’re living under our roofs.  After they leave, we’ll want to see them for fun times – whatever those happen to be.  And the rule will be that we will do things that are interesting and fun.  How’s that for a new relationship?

Of course, we also encounter people who think their feelings count more than anything else at work, and with spouses, friends, relatives and neighbors.  If you’re dating a person who thinks they’re the center of the universe, get away as soon as you can.  Don’t think you’ll change them.  Let them learn on somebody else’s body, heart and spirit.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Deal with difficult, but necessary, people at work

Although all businesses need consistent policies and procedures in order to succeed, most organizations violate their own rules when faced with very difficult people who happen to be necessary for success. I call these people and situations “special cases.”

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Deal with difficult, but necessary, people at work http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/04/16/smallb5.html

Special cases are often:

• Creative geniuses - like scientists, artists or software developers - whose bullying, abusive behavior must be tolerated because only they can create the product that everyone else depends on.
• Relatives who company founders insist on keeping.
• A leader’s favorites or special “pets.”
• Individuals who dedicated their lives during the initial development of a company, but now their behavioral quirks, obsessive interference in all operations or lack of a specialized skill diminishes further contributions.

The value of these special cases to the leader, the company and the rest of the staff must outweigh the problems that result from the amount of energy it takes to deal with them, their high salaries, influence on leaders, insistence on doing things their way, jealousy created if they flaunt their special position or the decrease in productivity, morale and teamwork they can cause.

If they disrupt operations or refuse to be contained, then they must go.

In order for the company to run smoothly and effectively, accommodations must be made on both sides and some effective working agreements must be honored.  See the original article for details.

• There will be only a few special cases and they will be known and recognized.
• They will be a fairly constant factor.  Leaders should not vacillate between keeping them and wanting them terminated over specific situations.
• The company can afford the money, time and energy.
• Leadership will develop a plan to minimize their secondary effects.  Managers and other staff must accept the arrangements or transfer.  Employees who deal with these difficult people may need “hazard duty” pay.
• Managers must be allowed to handle special cases. Leaders must push complaints from the special case back to the manager.
• Special cases must accept limitations on their unique treatment.

Employees who are so aggressive and litigious that management is afraid to apply the standards must not be allowed to stay.

Also, leaders must search for replacements while they’re tolerating these poor attitudes and behavior.  People will put up with great difficulties and inequities as long as there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Creating special cases means that not everyone is being treated identically.  But that’s the way of the world –- certain individuals get unique treatment.  That’s how we treat our own families, friends and those we depend on.  Sometimes it’s even necessary for our companies to thrive.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Bullying by Toxic Relatives

Gangs or cliques or mobs form in families, at schools and in the workplace.  They go after designated scapegoats. At home, toxic parents, siblings or close or distant relatives often single out innocent targets and try to get everyone else to turn against them.

For example: Jane was appalled that suddenly her aunt was angry at her.  Her aunt’s attacks started with seemingly small, negative comments about clothes, hair and make up.  In Jane’s close, extended family no one objected.  They didn’t want to offend her aunt or start fights.  The family gathered almost every week and their closeness was very important.

Jane apologized to her aunt for whatever she might have done but her aunt never acknowledged that she was angry or that her remarks were nasty or wrong.  Even worse, when no one defended Jane, her aunt’s verbal harassment increased.  She criticized or mocked Jane at every opportunity about everything.

Soon, Jane’s aunt’s husband joined in and then another aunt piled on.  Then two cousins joined.  They colluded with and enabled the aunt.  Some even told all the secrets Jane had confided in them.  It was as if her life had been exposed and picked apart by hyenas.

Jane was crushed but no matter how she cried or pleaded, they never acknowledged that they were bullying or abusing her.  Sometimes one would say that they were just telling the truth or that they were trying to help Jane or that Jane deserved it.

Jane began to dread the family gatherings but she was stuck.  She was required to attend.  Also, she was desperate for her family’s approval and respect.  She couldn’t imagine life without them.

Finally, during one particularly vicious afternoon, Jane had had it.  She rushed out of the house and vowed that she wouldn’t put up with the abuse any more.  When Jane’s mother criticized her for leaving her wonderful family and for causing a potential rift, Jane couldn’t hold her tongue anymore.

She told her mother she couldn’t stand being the target of these attacks.  She didn’t want to be around people who thought those horrible things about her.  She hated all the people who supposedly loved her but weren’t standing up for her.  They should know her character better that that.  Getting away was more important that staying with people who treated her that way.

Jane changed her perspective and priorities. Jane decided she’d been looking for solutions in all the wrong places.  She’d been asking the wrong questions and having hopes that wouldn’t be fulfilled.  For example:

1. She’d been thinking that if she explained herself and how much she was being hurt, they’d understand and love her like they used to and stop being so critical.  She also thought that by trying to talk with them calmly and nicely, they’d respect her and be nice to her in return.
2. She had focused on why they said those horrible things.  Their attacks didn’t make any sense; why did they do it; didn’t they have a conscience?
3. She had thought that if she could understand why they did it, she could apologize for whatever they were angry about and then they’d love her again.

Now she saw things differently and it all made sense to her.

1. She had done nothing in particular to deserve how her aunt treated her.  Her aunt was simply a nasty person; had always been, but the family had tolerated her aunt’s behavior in the name of “family.”
2. Her aunt’s rule was that if you don’t do what she wanted right now, you’re bad or evil and deserve to be destroyed whenever she felt like it or got around to it.  And if she changed her mind in five minutes, you must do the new thing, not the old thing, even if it’s opposite.  Jane’s aunt was a narcissist; in her mind she was always justified in doing what she wanted.
3. Her aunt took no responsibility for doing anything wrong or for making things better.  In fact, the more Jane tried to heal the breach, the more her aunt thought Jane was weak and vulnerable.  That encouraged her to attack Jane even more.  That seemed weird to Jane but it was accurate.
4. Jane realized that a cousin who used to be the prime target of her aunt’s vicious tongue and gang of followers had moved away.  Her aunt simply needed another target and had selected Jane as the weakest and sweetest person and, therefore, the one most likely to tolerate it.
5. Jane could see the answer to her question; “Why do people pile on?”  Typical reasons are that it feels good to some people when they put down someone else or they’re afraid to resist the nastiest person in the room or they’re jealous or they’re cowards with “good” excuses.  Behaving like that made no sense to Jane, but she saw that it was accurate.

Now, she could stop thinking about those subjects.  Jane realized that it didn’t matter why.  Nothing reasonable on her part would make her aunt stop.  What mattered was that they did abuse her and she wouldn’t stand for it any more.

She’d protect herself and see who’d stand with her.  She might be a target but she wouldn’t be a victim.  She felt powerful; she didn’t need them to empower her.  She’d stand up, no matter what the consequences.  She’d make herself worth protecting.

Jane’s anti-bullying program:

1. She stopped asking useless questions and stopped accepting the role they wanted her to play.  She stood up and shined a light on what was happening.  Protecting herself was more important than sacrificing her heart and spirit on the altar of some “family value.”
2. In her own mind and then in public, Jane labeled her aunt’s behavior as “nasty” or “bullying” or “abusive” or “evil.”  She never argued with the content or accusation her aunt was making.  She attacked the act of making such vicious comments.  She ignored her aunt’s hurt feelings and anger at what Jane said.
3. On occasions when her statements didn’t stop her aunt, Jane turned to the rest of the family and challenged them.  “Are you going to stand by and let her be so mean?  Don’t you care about me?  I thought you loved me?  We’re not talking about whether what she says is true; we’re talking about how we treat each other.  This is a bad example to set for the kids.  I thought we were supposed to be kind in this family?  Who would want to be part of such a family?”
4. If the gang didn’t stop, she spoke more straight-forwardly: “You cowards, ganging up on me to enable that nasty old woman.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.  I hope your kids treat you the same way when they grow up.”
5. If people didn’t defend her, she held her head up high and left.  And she made sure that she did something that was a fun treat, just in case they asked later.  When she did leave one family gathering, she made sure not to attend the next one.

What happened?

1. At first, her relatives were surprised and shocked by the new Jane.  They phoned her in confidence to try to force her, using blame, shame and guilt, to be quiet and not upset the family.  They had many reasons why she should put up with her aunt’s behavior.  Later, they told her that they were secretly impressed by her courage and strength.
2. The people in her aunt’s gang called and were very vicious and nasty.  She hung up on them.
3. Of course, people wanted her to change because they all thought that the aunt was the most difficult and resistant person in the room.  Typically, people try to change the easiest person, not the most difficult.  But when they saw that Jane would not back down and that they must make a choice, they turned on Jane’s aunt and demanded that she stop.  They also attacked the members of her aunt’s gang.  Deep down, they all knew that criticism and harassment were not the way they wanted members of their family treating each other.
4. Jane never let on that their treatment hurt her feelings.  Over time, she was surprised that her feelings got hurt less and less.
5. The moment of truth came when her aunt threatened not to come to family gatherings.  It was her or Jane, she demanded.  She was stunned when most of the relatives said they’d choose Jane.  That’s when Jane’s aunt started to back down.

Jane’s situation was, unfortunately, very typical.  Bullies don’t stop bullying because they’re asked to or begged or appeased.  They don’t stop if their behavior is minimized or ignored.  They only stop if they are stopped.  Some people won’t stop even then; they insist on being in control and being right.  They’d rather leave than give in.

In Jane’s case, her aunt and her gang gave in.  They weren’t gracious and Jane never again shared her inner life with her aunt or the gang, but at least they could be polite and civil on family occasions.

Actually, in other areas of her life, Jane was pleasantly surprised.  The act of standing up for herself against her aunt had changed Jane.  Jane was now able to ask for what she wanted and to pursue the goals she set for herself.  Instead of being a shy, retiring wallflower, she felt full of self-confidence.  She became a successful person whom others noticed and respected.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Don't listen to negative, "energy vampires" in the workplace

Leadership is an open-book exam. Both you and the President can get information and advice from many sources.  The benefits of asking are obvious.  But when facing a shrinking economy, cutthroat competition or terrorists, it’s crucial to know who not to ask or even listen to.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Don’t listen to negative, “energy vampires” in the workplace http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/10/15/smallb5.html

Don’t listen to people who are:

• Scared, overwhelmed, discouraged or continually negative and critical; "energy vampires."
• Angry, hostile, manipulative and blaming narcissists; looking for someone to make their lives work the way they want.
• Exhausted or complacent lovers of comfort, convenience, ease and appeasement, too soft to fight.
• Sure that fairness and justice are the best ways to win or are more important than winning.  Disillusioned because their hope for friendly, win-win solutions has been challenged by a reality of cutthroat competition and win-lose fights to the death.
• Stuck in “analysis paralysis.”

Some keys to success in changing times - see original article for details:

• Talk to people who have the determination and energy to try to mold the future to your liking.  Listen to people who know what it takes to thrive in hard times and to defeat determined enemies.  Don’t listen to “energy vampires” who sap your will.
• Become low maintenance.  Whether you’re a manager or an employee, an official or a citizen, be a person who can pitch in and help out.
• Promote people who take charge and succeed - don’t keep employees who fall apart in a crisis.  In a world wallowing in recession and terrorism, your company and your country can’t afford to carry wimps, whiners and weaklings, panicked or immobilized by fear.  If you keep them, they’ll drag you under.
• Leaders stick together.  Tell people what you expect them to accomplish and how you expect them to act.  Talk longest and deepest with leaders at all levels in your organization.  Your job is to support hope, calmness and productivity under pressure.  You have a business to run.
• Take intelligent risks; don’t be too prudent.  Remember F.D.R. saying, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Buy and build.
• Tell hero stories.  You’ll hear friends, family, children or coworkers upset because they just figured out that we can never really be safe or secure.  We don’t know what might happen.  Tell them about people with courage and skill in the face of danger.
• Success must be fought for and won; it won’t be given.  The British didn’t leave America in 1776 because they were politely asked to.  Hitler didn’t stop because he was appeased.

Hard times and war are great opportunities to be great.  Prepare yourself to be brave and skillful.  Losing is a much worse example for our children than is war and victory.

You might even read, “Masters of Change,” by William Boast and Benjamin Martin.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Controlling, Abusive Spouses

Alice’s husband criticized, harassed, bullied and controlled her.  Even though she felt that the longer she stayed with him, the more she would lose herself and her future, for many reasons, she was afraid to stand up to him. She wondered how long it would take for her to develop the courage, strength and skill to get away and make it on her own.

Helped by coaching, Alice went through two steps:

1. Developing the courage, strength and determination to get away, no matter what obstacles she put in her mind or he put in her path.  She developed the endurance and flexibility necessary to pick up her spirits, no matter how she felt.
2. Creating a plan and carrying it out successfully.  That meant adjusting the plan as she saw what worked and what wasn’t effective.  That also meant continuing on no matter how many times she fell down; getting up one more time than she fell.

Breakthroughs and step-throughs.  The inner shift can be:

1. Immediate and sudden (a breakthrough).
2. Slow and building until a critical mass or tipping point is reached, at which point there is a breakthrough moment.  That’s like the old quote: “At long-last, to be enlightened instantly.”
3. Slow and cumulative (step-throughs).

Alice followed the second path.  She had to remove all her objections one-by-one before she was ready to take the last step.  For example, she had to overcome her ideas that:

• She deserved everything she got because she wasn’t perfect or wasn’t the way he wanted her to be.
• She would be weak and bad if she gave up on him; if she stopped thinking he could change.
• She had taken a holy vow to be his wife; she must keep it, no matter what.
• She couldn’t make without him.
• The kids needed a father.
• If she stood up or left him, he’d commit suicide and it’d be her fault.
• If she stood up or left him, he’d ruin her reputation or kill her and get the kids.

One step at a time got Alice there.  Often we want to see if each next step is okay, not a disastrous change in life, before taking the one after that.  We don’t want to step off a cliff – especially since the future is really not clear and we can’t predict with certainty that the ground is stable and firm ahead.

Finally, one night, in front of the kids, he grabbed her, put his face right next to hers and yelled that he would never change; she could expect him to do this every day or every moment he felt like it and it was important for the kids to see who the boss was.

Something in Alice snapped; she had a breakthrough. It was over for her.  Instead of the usual flash of hot anger followed by guilt and fear, she felt a cold determination fueled by rage.  She was done taking his bullying…forever.

Outer change usually requires more time (step-throughs):

• Skill learning is often step-through.
• Alice had to learn to resist her own self-bullying, guilt, fear and falling back.
• She had to resist the attempts of people to lure her or order her to go back.
• She had to resist her fears that he would take everything, including the kids, or that she’d be unable to support them.
• She had to resist her fears of being alone when some people they were once friendly with deserted her and took her husband’s side.
• She and her lawyer had to adjust her plans in response to his dirty tricks.
• She had to explain to the kids and to not give in to their attempts to minimize or ignore her husband’s behavior.

Alice discovered that each step taken successfully reinforced the next step and made the process faster.  Someone told her it was like continuous improvement in the workplace.  She felt it was more like learning to walk.  And one small step can change your life.

Both leapers and stepper can get free.

Looking back, Alice realized she couldn’t stop her husband from behaving the way he chose, but she could get him out of her environment; she could create a bully-free zone around herself and her children.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

'Caretaker Mentality' Thwarts Success in Workplace

A leader’s primary job is to do whatever is worth your life’s effort in a way that succeeds and is consistent with your core values.  You must judge your priorities and strategies by that criterion; do they promote or interfere with winning. If you think that there are more important things than winning, so that, for example, you’re willing to give up 10% of your company’s market share to be nice, please tell me so I can invest somewhere else.

One of the most insidious threats to success in the workplace is the “caretaker mentality” that comes in many forms.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: ‘Caretaker Mentality’ Thwarts Success in Workplace

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2002/01/14/smallb7.html

If you confuse core values with attitudes, preferences and strategies that ignore realities or that interfere with winning, you’re setting yourself up for losing or becoming a martyr.

However much you might value openness and honesty with those you love, you can’t tell your competition your plans and proprietary secrets.  That’s a childish understanding of honesty and a strategy that guarantees failure.  Beware of people who say that’s the way the world should be.

Some examples:

• Not pursuing accounts receivable because it might be embarrassing for customers.
• Not requiring a team member to do something they don’t like.  Not giving honest feedback to people who say they can’t perform their tasks because of personal problems.  Not holding someone accountable for deadlines if they can’t handle the stress.
• People at a child care center accepting poor service from janitors or plumbers because they’re trying their best and if you work with them, over time they might improve their performance.
• Letting vagrants block your front door because they have nowhere else to go.
• Health care providers not wanting to keep accurate records or submit timely bills because caring counts more than money.
• Keeping someone incompetent at a particular job if they’re well meaning or their feelings would be hurt by being transferred or released.

Those may sound farfetched, but they’re real examples I’ve seen in abundance in companies and especially in non-profits, public service organizations and government agencies.

The “caretaker mentality” shows a deep and pervasive confusion about the organization’s mission and priorities. See the original article for details.

• It assumes that you can take care of everyone’s needs and wishes without interfering with anyone else’s.
• It assumes that it’s okay to accept mediocre performance or that the only or best way of encouraging better performance is to lower standards.
• It allows the angriest, nastiest, most vicious or most ignorant person to harass, bully and abuse other people while you try to understand and educate the bully.  It turns targets into victims.
• It assumes that making people feel good, even if you have to lie to them or give dishonest evaluations, is more important than challenging them with high standards and the need for results.
• It puts a great burden on the rest of the team to deliver on promises.
• While it pretends to care about everyone, it actually cares only about the people it designates as “victims” and allows them to victimize everyone else.

You don’t have to be nasty, ruthless or cheat, but you do have to be realistic and to choose.  Either you focus on your best shot at accomplishing the mission you hold dear enough to spend your time and energy, and to risk your fortune, or you give up that purpose to satisfy some other value.

Your primary responsibility is to make your organization a success in providing service to your customers at a profit, so you can continue to provide salaries to your employees.  There are many ways you can take care of your community without undermining that responsibility.

Of course, the caretaker mentality in relationships, at school and in your extended family can also ruin your life

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Anti-Bullying: Don't Accept Excuses from School Bullies

Bullies always have reasons they think are good enough for why they harass and abuse their targets.  It’s always the fault of their targets.  Bullies think their excuses and justifications should relieve them of any consequences for their behavior. They are that narcissistic and self-deluded.

What’s wrong with these pictures?

• Walter shoved the little kids around at school.  He waylaid them in the halls, in the schoolyard, in the cafeteria and in the bathrooms.  Walter said the other kids weren’t nice enough to him and, anyway, they were exaggerating how much pain he’d caused.  His principal knew that Walter wasn’t likeable and that his father abused him, but not in ways that could be reported to the police.  His principal’s anti-bullying strategy was to tell the other kids to be more understanding of Walter’s situation, to be nicer to him and to wait for Walter to outgrow his problems.
• Sonja was well-known as the nastiest girl in school.  A few other girls, who admired her certainty and righteousness or were afraid of her, did what she told them to do.  They helped her make sarcastic remarks about other girls, shove them, harass them and pick on any of the physical or mental qualities they called “defects.”  Sonja claimed that the other girls had started it by being nasty to her and that they deserved what they got.  Anyway, she was only having a little fun.  Her principal knew Sonja was actually very insecure and was always criticized by her parents.  Nothing she ever did was good enough for them.  Her principal’s anti-bullying approach was to encourage Sonja’s targets to be more understanding of her, to try to win her affection and friendship, and to wait for her to learn to be nice, despite the examples she had for parents.

In both cases, these principals had accepted the excuses Walter and Sonja had given.  They also accepted the socially-acceptable, psychological explanations for Walter and Sonja’s behavior as excuses and justifications so that there should be no consequences for them.  They had it hard enough at home.

In both cases, the principals had turned their targets into victims.

There were no consequences for Walter and Sonja: no detention, no suspensions.  Since nothing happened to them, they never had reason to change.  In fact, since they were allowed to continue their bullying, they had gained more power at school.

In addition to the principals not protecting their students, the principals made no attempt to rally all the students to do something about them.  When people can’t get the responsible authorities to protect them, they are given only a few simple choices: submit to the bullying or become vigilantes and take justice into their own hands.  Of course, those principals will punish them, even though they never did anything to Walter and Sonja.

The take-home message is that while we can have sympathy and understanding for bullies’ excuses, justifications and problems, we must still stop their bullying behavior.

Of course, in order to make the point, I’ve simplified the cases I’ve presented.  But the point is simple.  Any complications and difficulties only mean that we may need more determination and cleverness to implement an effective plan.  But those complexities don’t change the direction we need to go.  They may mean that we, as parents, may have to bring great pressure and publicity to bear on principals who won’t stop bullying.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

No Whining Complainers: No More Victim Talk

Yes, life can be unfair and painful. But deciding what’s worth time doing something about and how to deal with it, is what can make your future great or miserable. If there’s a fly in your soup or the wrong entrée was brought, don’t just grin and bear it.  Get what you ordered, well prepared.  But you don’t have to whine or be an obnoxious jerk about it.

To read the rest of this article from the Cincinnati Business Courier, see: No Whining Complainers: No More Victim Talk http://cincinnati.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/stories/2003/01/20/smallb5.html

Whining complainers come in typical forms and for obvious reasons.  See the original article for details.

• Whining complainers try to get sympathy and free goodies, to be the center of attention, to protect themselves from consequences and to control other people.
• “Professional victims” can find a cloud behind every silver lining.  Their lack of success is never their fault: it’s their genes, upbringing, bad luck, lack of support, previous poor decisions they can’t overcome, or powerful forces from outer space.  They can get power by this form of bullying.
• After “Energy vampires” leave, you feel like you’ve been drained of a quart of energy.  It’s hard to get back to work.
• “Dumpers” hurl so many problems on you that you need a shower.  And it’s then easy for you to waste even more time, sharing the garbage with someone else.
• “Blamers” specialize in righteous indignation, anger, temper tantrums and explosive silences.
• “Self-flagellators” proudly exhibit their badges of guilt and shame. When you realize the exhibition doesn’t help them do better, you wonder whose benefit the virtuoso performance was for.
• “Professional critics” are never satisfied.  But they’ve lost their sense of proportion.  They don’t distinguish between inconvenience, annoyance, irritation and serious problems.   They overreact, have no sense of which battles to fight or of political give-and-take and they never let anything rest; even problems can’t be solved.

Whining complainers live in a state of perpetual childhood, full of narcissism, greed and lust for power, isolated and avoiding responsibility for their problems and their futures.  And they take that out by harassing coworkers.

Moods are catching. If you wallow in feeling sorry for yourself or if you’re habitually overwhelmed, panicked, discouraged or angry, everybody and everything suffers.

Whining complainers decrease morale, divide loyalties, increase sick leave and turn over, and destroy productivity.  If you let them stay in your workplace they will sap its life‘s blood.  Stand up for great attitudes and replace whining complainers with people whose passion for life and work pour out of them.

A culture of whining complainers becomes a litigious culture, in which people take no responsibility for what they do.

I’ve focused on whining complainers and critics in the workplace, but, of course, the same could be said about them in personal life – whether it’s your spouse, kids, family or friends.

You can focus on what’s wonderful and what gives your life meaning, value, richness and joy, or you can whine and complain.

After a recent presentation, one person said that he had changed his life: in order to have the future he wants, he just doesn’t have time to sulk, complain or look for sympathy.  His first job is to practice keeping his spirit up while solving important problems.  He also doesn’t have a lot of time to listen to losers.  He chooses to be around winners who take things in stride.

It’s your life. You have the same choice.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Bullying by Abusive, Narcissistic Teenagers

I hope you’re not a parent of a stubborn, angry, demanding teenager.  Or maybe even worse, the single-parent of one. We keep thinking that if we can only endure longer, can only say the right thing, can only find the perfect person or book or movie to say the right thing, can only make up for what they’re so angry about, our teenager will suddenly get it.  They’ll magically become the polite, civil, hardworking person we want them to be.

But how do we know when enough is enough and it’s time to kick them out?

Recognize when you may be still catering to, enabling or even prolonging a serious problem. How many of these signs do you see and when did they start – last week, age seven, age two, day one?  These toxic, abusive teenagers:

• Must get their way about everything, no matter how trivial it seems to you.  Any time you want something or ask them for something, they talk and act like you’re abusing them.
• Won’t lift a finger.  They push every boundary.  They will fight to the death.
• Have only style: harass you, resist everything you want, harass you or to “beat you into submission.”  They’d rather harm themselves than do what you want or do things your way.
• Expect you to help them or bail them out when they’ve messed up – no matter how badly they just treated you.  They think they’re entitled to whatever they want.  You’re responsible for making their life work.  They think their need is more important than your feelings.
• Use threats or overt physical violence toward you, your pets, your favorite or necessary equipment.

They remind me of the spoiled, entitled brats, like Veruka Salt, in “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

Some reasons why parents put up with this nasty behavior from their children even though they wouldn’t let any friends or anyone in the workplace abuse them that way are:

• They think it’s normal behavior for modern teenagers.
• Blame and guilt – especially single parents, who feel they caused their little darlings psychological damage and protecting, catering and enabling them is the way to make up for it.
• Accept their teenager’s excuses – “If only you do everything I want and give me everything I say I need, I’ll be happy, nice and successful.”
• Fear – if parents don’t give in, arrogant and needy teenager won’t love them, or their weak and fragile teenager will go to live with the divorced parent, or will hurt somebody or fail at life and end up on the streets, a loser or dead.
• Shame – if they kicked the kids out it would be morally wrong, show the kid they really don’t like him or be seen by friends, neighbors or relatives as a failure.
• Magical thinking – parents hope that if they let the abuse continue, one magic day, their darling babies (young adults) will get it and become instantly wonderful.

When is enough, enough? Any behavior on the first list, if done repeatedly.  Also if the teenager:

• Pushes any and every boundary.
• Relentlessly, sarcastically demeans you to your face in private or public.
• Runs up your credit card,
• Ruins your car even though they need it
• Blames you and lies when the police come.

What can you do, depending on the teenager’s age, sex and whether he has any disabilities?

• Plant seeds.  Remind him of his potential and your belief in him.  Nourish him with stories of people who created great lives despite problems far worse than his.  Feed him biographies of great people.  Tell him to choose to be invulnerable!
• Tell him that he needs a second strategy to get what he wants in life.  Stop focusing on getting what he wants from his parents and start focusing on getting it from the world.  Focusing on his parents is a waste of his time and energy.
• Tell him that while he already knows how to get what he wants by beating people (you) into submission, he needs to learn how be so likeable that people will be willing to give him what he wants.  To demonstrate that message, make clear that you might consider giving him what he wants if he makes it fun for you and that you’ll never give him if he tries beating it out of you – verbally or physically.
• Stop begging or bribing him.  Do not seek his agreement or permission to set high standards or have consequences you want.
• Kick him out of the nest and let the world teach him.  He won’t listen to you any more.  Let him fail, not have a car because he messed up yours, miss important events because you’ve grounded him, run away, try living with the other parent and get in trouble with the school or police,.  And if you’re afraid, call the police (having prepared them ahead) and press charges.  Let him learn that once people are older than ten years, the world pays only for performance, not potential, promises or excuses.  There are not an infinite number of chances and he can’t re-negotiate everything when he wants.
• Don’t bully yourself – your teenager is now responsible for his attitudes, decisions and actions.  Your teenager, like all of us, faces a choice: be a loser with a good excuse (“I was treated badly as a kid, I don’t get the breaks, my behavior is someone else’s fault – parents or teachers”) or be a winner no matter what

When you don’t require good performance, set and maintain strong boundaries and rules in your environment or punish him, the secret message your teenager gets is that you think he’s too weak and fragile to succeed.

This is a test of the strength of your commitment to the potential you see in him.  You’re setting a good example of someone who won’t allow a toxic polluter in her environment; even when that destroyer is your blood.  Good behavior counts more than bad blood.

This is a test of how far gone he is – how weak, narcissistic or crazy.

In my coaching with people around the world, I’ve seen that if you don’t require high standards you’re guaranteeing that your teenager will not turn around.  If you set boundaries, demand respect and have strong consequences that are not negotiable, then he has a chance of turning around and you can have hope.  At first, many of these kids thrash around and protest the new rules, but then they get it.

For example, see the last case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

If he continues to fight you as if it’s life-or-death, that tells you that there is a very serious problem.  You should treat it as such and think carefully about how to protect yourself from his hostility and bullying.  Prepare for worst case scenarios

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Surefire ways lose your most valued customers

Master these methods and you’re guaranteed to lose your best customers.  Since hiding exceptions to guarantees is a great way to lose customers, I’d better reveal my exceptions. To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see: Surefire ways to lose your most valued customers http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2002/11/04/smallb3.html

No matter how hard they try, some organizations can’t or don’t lose their customers.

• Some federal and state agencies, and some local utilities realize that they’re only game in town.  If you get good service it’s either luck or some individuals who really care – but good service is not critical for them to keep their customers.
• Some customers won’t leave because they’re masochists, have very low expectations or feel helpless.

Seven techniques for losing your best customers. See the original article for details.

1. Burn out your best employees; promote your worst.  Pay minimum wage for receptionists and telephone operators who are curt, defensive and passive-aggressive.
2. Make buying very difficult.  Make perspective customers wade through five-to-ten steps of an answering system with no way to get to a live person.  Design a web site that takes forever to download and make purchasing require a complicated series of entries.
3. Over charge and under deliver.  Apologize profusely for a mistake, promise it will never happen again and then do nothing to correct the problem.
4. Become very important.  Start coasting.  Ignore your oldest and best customers – the easy sales.  Show up late for appointments.  Talk too much.  Don’t bother about product knowledge.
5. Be creative about not following through. Don’t return phone calls or wait a very long time before returning them and then forget the customer’s name.  Rely on company policy to avoid product returns.
6. Use offensive language when talking to customers.
7. Insult your competitor's products.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Anxiety, Depression and Suicide: Lasting Effects of Bullying

Check out the article on “Anxiety, Depression and Suicide: The Lasting Effects of Bullying,” by Brian Krans on Healthline.com. Some good quotes from the article: “Being bullied means always being on high alert.  It’s the cold sweat that builds on the back of your neck anytime a bully is around.  It’s living in constant fear of being a victim.

New research shows that this heightened level of anxiety among victims of bullying—and the bullies themselves—doesn’t stop after elementary school. It can have dramatic effects on a person well into adulthood.”

“Bullying is not just a harmless rite of passage or an inevitable part of growing up.  Victims of bullying are at increased risk for emotional disorders in adulthood.  Bullies/victims are at the highest risk and are most likely to think about or plan suicide.  These problems are associated with great emotional and financial costs to society.”

“Those who were both bullies and victims are more likely to have:

• young adult depression
• panic disorder
• agoraphobia
• suicidal thoughts or actions”

“Professional counseling and therapy may help as well.  If anything, teach your child that bullying is a sign of weakness, not strength, and that it shouldn’t be tolerated.”

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Surefire ways of inspiring the exodus of best employees

Want to downsize by driving away your best employees? If you have trouble believing that I’ve seen these techniques while consulting or coaching, you’re underestimating human creativity.

To read the rest of this article from the Washington Business Courier, see: Surefire ways of inspiring exodus of best employees http://washington.bizjournals.com/washington/stories/2004/05/17/smallb6.html

Ten techniques I’ve seen used to get rid of the best employees.  See original article for details.

1. Keep goals, strategic plans, deadlines, policies and procedures unclear or secret. Don’t develop clear communication skills and processes.  Act as if employees are supposed to know what you mean, and if they don’t, it’s their problem.  Ignore employees’ grievances or penalize them severely for wasting your time.
2. Set impossible standards and deadlines; be hypercritical. Demand perfection.  Break your own rules.  Take your moods out on them; throw fits, retaliate often, make attacks personal - curse, threaten and demean them.
3. Be the hub; change your mind often; give contradictory orders. Micro-manage and then be unavailable when your opinion is needed.  Foster rumors.  Criticize them loudly for not taking responsibility and for wasting your time with dumb questions.
4. Evaluate sporadically, especially after mistakes, or not at all. Don’t give specific feedback; just yell that they did it wrong and there’s going to be hell to pay.  Chastise in public.  Avoid dealing with issues and problems. Promote inefficiency and diffuse responsibility.
5. Deny responsibility; it’s never your fault. Promise anything, deny you ever said it (as if they just didn’t listen carefully or twisted your words), don’t put anything in writing
6. Play favorites. Whisper behind closed doors, reward non-productive employees who suck up to you in public, form intimate relationships with a few and let everyone know.  Ignore their privacy.  Go through their desks, eat their snacks, make loud remarks about your findings.
7. Treat everybody the same; give everyone the same rewards. Ignore extra effort and high productivity.
8. Don’t waste time and money on training. Get new software but don’t ask users to help customize or test it before installation.  Throw new employees into the fray without training or instructions.  Enjoy righteous indignation when they don’t meet your standards.  Complain that you have to do everything yourself if you want it done right.
9. Treat downsized employees poorly; blame the company’s problems on them. Nickel-and-dime them.  No personal calls or e-mail, ever!  Give yourself huge increases and perks.
10. In a budget crunch, give falsely poor evaluations in order to justify giving small raises. Separate evaluations from rewards so you can easily give great evaluations and tiny raises.

These techniques are only the tip of the iceberg.

Of course, you’ll have to master a different set of methods to keep your best employees and replace only the worst.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Hidden meanings of divorce

Jane had been unhappy in her marriage to Joe since she’d walked down the aisle as a teenager.  But first she’d stayed because she’d promised, then she stayed for the children and then she stayed because leaving was too scary. Even though she’d been thinking for years about divorcing him and she’d waited until the children were independent, and even though it took more time to arrange it, she was surprised at all she went through afterward.  She’d thought she’d move on immediately and easily.

Divorce meant the end of a dream. Jane was surprised at how disoriented and upset she became, even though she was the one who wanted the divorce and had initiated it.  But it was as if her whole universe had collapsed and she didn’t know what to do.

Actually that was a very accurate image.  Indeed, her world had revolved around the dream she had fantasized and tried to create – a wonderful marriage and happy family.  Even though it hadn’t turned out that way, all her thoughts and energy had revolved around that center.  Now the center of her universe was gone.  Like a solar system with no sun at its center, everything flew off in different directions.

She had to create a new center for her life and to organize every aspect to revolve around it.  That took time, but when she centered on herself and the wonderful, full, rich life she wanted, all the pieces began to come together.  Her discomfort and second-guessing disappeared, and her life – her mental, emotional and spiritual life – stabilized.

Divorce meant the end of daily, face-to-face bullying. Joe had been a demanding, manipulative, controlling husband.  Jane had always lived under his thumb.  She tiptoed around trying to avoid big confrontations, lectures and explosions.  Now she didn’t have to do what he wanted and he couldn’t do anything serious to her.  She felt a huge relief.  She could stand up straight, breathe deeply and do what she wanted without arguments and recriminations, or his approval or permission.  She was not surprised at how liberated she felt.  She was giddy with freedom.

But he didn’t stop trying to control her.  He became more demanding and manipulative.  She had to learn how to resist his controlling methods and her own self-bullying.

Divorce meant she was no longer responsible for Joe’s issues or well-being. All during their marriage, Jane had tended to Joe’s emotional needs; his ego’s need to be stroked, his abandonment and control issues, his dislikes, his hypochondria and depression, his threats of suicide.

Because of her preparation, right after she received the final divorce papers, Jane felt free of the burden of taking care of Joe’s issues.  She wished him well, but was no longer responsible for making his life work the way he wished.

But putting that inner freedom into practice required a stepwise process.  Joe didn’t like the loss of his servant and scapegoat so he used every manipulative, bullying trick that had succeeded previously in order to make her take care of him now.

He called her whenever he felt upset, needy or sick.  At first, no matter how sorry for him Jane felt, no matter how much her caretaker and enabler patterns had been stimulated, she had to force herself to tell him she wouldn’t be coming over to take care of him.  At first, she became angry at his pathetic attempts.  She forced herself to tell him that he’d have to call his friends or get a therapist or go to the hospital.  Later, that became easy; second-nature.

Joe started calling their children and complaining about how cold and unloving she’d become.  He suspected that she now had a young boyfriend she was taking care of.  Jane explained Joe’s patterns to their children and told them she hoped they’d put the responsibility for his happiness right back in his lap.  And she wasn’t having a fling with a pool-boy.

When Joe threatened suicide, she almost ran over to stop him.  But them she stepped back and said she’d call the police for him.  He said she shouldn’t call them, but then persisted in suicide talk.  She hung up and called 911.  He never threatened her with suicide again.  She told their children the tactic that had worked.

It seemed to take 9 months – an interesting period – for her to let go of her internal habits and to feel comfortable setting her boundaries in a matter-of-fact way.  By “setting,” she now meant keeping her boundaries, no matter how he tried to ignore or trample them.  She no longer rode the roller coaster of huge emotional swings – caring, concern, panic, anger, rage and guilt.  Then her life started opening up the way she’d hoped the divorce would allow.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Don’t Tolerate "Stars" Who Bully at Work

Nobody likes a bully.  But imagine that your best salesman is a bully.  You’re faced with a dilemma that may make you hesitate.  Heroism and skill will be required to maintain standards. To read the rest of this article from the Cincinnati Business Courier, see: Don’t Tolerate “Stars” Who Bully at Work http://cincinnati.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/stories/2003/04/07/smallb3.html

Even if the bullying is flagrant and public, you might think twice before risking a major revenue stream confronting that person.

Even worse, if bullying is more subtle and private – like a bully “sales star “ cuts others out of their share of a sale; undermines other sales people; verbally intimidates and abuses support staff - you may be tempted to hesitate and ignore the initial rumors.

A prevalent assumption in our society is that the first time you hear about a problem, you should minimize it, give people the benefit of the doubt and hope it goes away by itself.  That assumption is wrong.

See the original article for details.

• Don’t let an untreated splinter lead to gangrene or a bullying problem fester. For every incident you hear about, there are usually five that haven’t reached you.  This is just the first time the bully was exposed.
• Respond to such incidents immediately. Look for patterns of behavior, try to find witnesses to the incident or people who have been bullied separately.
• Bullying patterns of behavior test everyone’s courage and skill, especially the leadership team. Set the standards by biting the bullet rapidly with bullying sales stars.
• Usually, the abuse builds to a crescendo, but then subsides temporarily - so you give it more time. Eventually, you’ll spend so much time focusing on repeated incidents, you’ll be exhausted. That is a tip-off:  The “cancer” has spread too far.
• After you act, you’ll be amazed at what surfaces. You’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg.  Over the next two to three months, you’ll hear many more stories of bullying and hear many sighs of relief.”
• Even though the leadership team is insulated from the worst of the pain, you have to lead the way in demanding civil behavior as well as productivity. You’re just following common sense.
• Test sales managers. It’s easy to talk theories, but decisions can get more difficult for a sales manager when facing a bullying star might mean unmet quotas, lost personal bonuses and more time and money training replacements. The longer managers cover things up or let situations go unresolved, the more credibility and influence they lose.  They look like enablers or collaborators. Eventually they will have to leave - along with the bully they’ve coddled and protected.
• Test the support staff manager and the “abused” individual. Courage is required to blow the whistle, since leaders usually favor sales stars.  Don’t throw fits; gather facts and document evidence of patterns.

You can’t precisely measure the negative effects of bullying on everyone’s productivity, but every time you remove one of those thorns, the benefits will be dramatic.

Even if sales take a temporary hit, morale and productivity will increase across the board. Company revenues will shortly overcome the loss of that particular bully’s sales.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.