How to Stop Bullies at Work: Ten Tips to Recognize Them

“How can just one person create such deep wounds that it’s taken us five months to heal a workplace,” I was asked.  Many people have trouble admitting that someone can be the correct answer to, “How many negative, abusive, bullies does it take to destroy everyone’s productivity” or “How many rotten apples does it take to spoil a whole barrel” or “How many overlooked cancer cells does it take to start a fatal tumor?” To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: How to Stop Bullies at Work: Ten Tips to Recognize Them

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2000/05/15/smallb5.html

Notice that when you nod your head in recognition of the “bad apples” you’ve known, we’re both denying many people’s fundamental assumptions that everyone is good and reasonable underneath; we can rehabilitate everyone; we’re supposed to care enough to keep trying and not remove them from work until we’re absolutely, objectively certain that they’re relentless, permanent bullies and we should give up.

Instead, we’re accepting that bullying and bad attitudes will spread and destroy the whole workplace.

I’m talking about the few employees (and bosses) who haven’t learned by the time they’re adults and who won’t be rehabilitated in the time and effort your team or organization can afford at work.  The pain and harm caused by those “bad apples” is the price you pay for ignoring the early warning signs and giving them too much time and too many chances

Top ten early warning signs of bullying, “bad apples” are:

1. They’re utterly convinced that they’re absolutely right about anything they think is important; their opinions, attitudes, interpretations, excuses, justifications, agendas are right; they can do exactly what they want at work because they’re absolutely right; problems are never their fault.
2. They’re totally focused on themselves; clueless and uncaring about what most of us consider appropriate, professional behavior and how other people will feel in response to their bullying.
3. They leave bossy, demanding, abusive notes insisting that what they want gets done, with no consideration for the other person’s schedules or deadlines.  They think their notes are polite.
4. They’re also oblivious to how the other person reacted to what they said, what the other person wanted and why, what the other person thought of them. Or they're hypersensitive, over-reactive bullies.
5. They don’t acknowledge the pain they cause and they defend themselves and their favorites ferociously.
6. They’re perfectionists; always negative and complaining; seeing things in right-or-wrong; making “to-do” lists with over 300 items. They feel victimized and eagerly blame others or “the system” at work.
7. They obsessively track or blow up little things, lose sight of what’s important; ignore what everyone else is upset about.
8. To flatter themselves, they only get the part of a message they agree with. Or in order to feel righteously indignant, they hear only the part of a message that will infuriate them.
9. They kiss up to those above and step on those below them.
10. They’re skilled at harassing, abusing and isolating people at work, organizing cliques to make war on their enemies, or finding scapegoats to direct the attention away from them.

They’re the 10% of the people you waste 90% of your time on.  If you think you’re the only one having these problems with them, check around and you’ll find that almost everyone else at work is also.  They spread their bullying around.

The problem is chronic; they don’t get it, they don’t change.  You’ll know you were right to remove them when everyone starts breathing deeply, smiling and walking uprightly again.  Act swiftly to protect yourself and the rest of your workplace.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement an anti-bullying plan that fits the situation at work.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

No Whining Complainers: No More Victim Talk

Yes, life can be unfair and painful. But deciding what’s worth time doing something about and how to deal with it, is what can make your future great or miserable. If there’s a fly in your soup or the wrong entrée was brought, don’t just grin and bear it.  Get what you ordered, well prepared.  But you don’t have to whine or be an obnoxious jerk about it.

To read the rest of this article from the Cincinnati Business Courier, see: No Whining Complainers: No More Victim Talk http://cincinnati.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/stories/2003/01/20/smallb5.html

Whining complainers come in typical forms and for obvious reasons.  See the original article for details.

• Whining complainers try to get sympathy and free goodies, to be the center of attention, to protect themselves from consequences and to control other people.
• “Professional victims” can find a cloud behind every silver lining.  Their lack of success is never their fault: it’s their genes, upbringing, bad luck, lack of support, previous poor decisions they can’t overcome, or powerful forces from outer space.  They can get power by this form of bullying.
• After “Energy vampires” leave, you feel like you’ve been drained of a quart of energy.  It’s hard to get back to work.
• “Dumpers” hurl so many problems on you that you need a shower.  And it’s then easy for you to waste even more time, sharing the garbage with someone else.
• “Blamers” specialize in righteous indignation, anger, temper tantrums and explosive silences.
• “Self-flagellators” proudly exhibit their badges of guilt and shame. When you realize the exhibition doesn’t help them do better, you wonder whose benefit the virtuoso performance was for.
• “Professional critics” are never satisfied.  But they’ve lost their sense of proportion.  They don’t distinguish between inconvenience, annoyance, irritation and serious problems.   They overreact, have no sense of which battles to fight or of political give-and-take and they never let anything rest; even problems can’t be solved.

Whining complainers live in a state of perpetual childhood, full of narcissism, greed and lust for power, isolated and avoiding responsibility for their problems and their futures.  And they take that out by harassing coworkers.

Moods are catching. If you wallow in feeling sorry for yourself or if you’re habitually overwhelmed, panicked, discouraged or angry, everybody and everything suffers.

Whining complainers decrease morale, divide loyalties, increase sick leave and turn over, and destroy productivity.  If you let them stay in your workplace they will sap its life‘s blood.  Stand up for great attitudes and replace whining complainers with people whose passion for life and work pour out of them.

A culture of whining complainers becomes a litigious culture, in which people take no responsibility for what they do.

I’ve focused on whining complainers and critics in the workplace, but, of course, the same could be said about them in personal life – whether it’s your spouse, kids, family or friends.

You can focus on what’s wonderful and what gives your life meaning, value, richness and joy, or you can whine and complain.

After a recent presentation, one person said that he had changed his life: in order to have the future he wants, he just doesn’t have time to sulk, complain or look for sympathy.  His first job is to practice keeping his spirit up while solving important problems.  He also doesn’t have a lot of time to listen to losers.  He chooses to be around winners who take things in stride.

It’s your life. You have the same choice.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Should kids ever fight to stop school bullies?

Should kids ever fight physically in order to stop relentless school bullies? I’ve been interviewed a lot on radio and TV.  But when I ask those interviewers how they stopped bullying when they were kids, all the men say that bullies were stopped when someone beat them up.  More important, beating up a bully changed the target’s life.  The targets now felt that they could succeed in the world – they developed courage, confidence and high self-esteem.

Nevertheless, many well-meaning parents tell their kids never to fight.

They say that:

• Bullies have a hard life so we should have sympathy for what they’re going through and how low their self-esteem must be.
• Don’t sink to the bully’s level by fighting back.  We have it easy so we should rise above the bullies.
• If we’re nice enough, kind enough and loving enough, the bullies will respond by being nice in return.
• We should never push back – verbally or physically.  If we push back, it means we don’t care.
• Violence is morally wrong and violence never solves anything.  Mahatma Gandhi stopped the British without pushing back and by preaching tolerance and love.

Let’s not even argue with those false statements.  If you watch the video about how being nice and caring doesn’t stop bullies, you’ll hear arguments disproving these statements.

Instead, let’s look at what bullies show us about what it takes to stop them.

Imagine a staircase going up.  The harder the bully pushes on us, the higher up the staircase we have to go in order to stop them.

At the lowest steps we do nice, peaceful things to try to get bullies to stop.  We ignore the bullying, we try to laugh it off, we make jokes to try to be friends with the bullies, we say how much it hurts, we ask them to stop or we try to rise above the hurt – that kind of thing.

If the bullying stops, that’s wonderful.  We’ve learned two things:

1. Some peaceful techniques that might work with some people who are bullying.
2. The bully was not a relentless bully.  The bully was a nice kid having a bad day.

But if the bullying does not stop, the bully is showing us that we have to be more firm in order to get that kid to stop.

So we go up to the next steps and push back verbally, and we learn how to do that skillfully.  Sometimes that works.  Bullies often respect other kids who show they’re not afraid and who have clever tongues.

If the bullying stops, that’s wonderful.  And, again, we’ve learned that the other kid was not a relentless bully.

Relentless bullies and determined boundary pushers are not stopped by these peaceful methods.  If we suffer in silence, if we whine, or if we advertise that we’re afraid, bullies think we’re victims waiting to be bullied.  If we’re kind, bullies think we are weak.  They’ll continue harassing and abusing us.

Now we have to go further up the staircase.  At this point targets might talk to school officials they trust to protect and defend them.  And they might get their parents involved.  And they need to remind their parents to get experienced, expert coaching.

If principals, teachers and parents still don’t stop the bullying, the relentless bullies are telling their targets that they’re going to have to fight back.  We’re close to the top of the staircase now.  Basically, we have to beat up the bully really badly – the quicker, nastier and harder the better.

Parents, you should have made sure your kid knows how to fight.  This goes for girls as well as boys.

A lot depends on the situation.  Is it one against one between kids who are the same size?  Is it one against a gang?  Fighting in elementary school can be just fists, but as the kids get older it will probably involve weapons.  There are many situations in which discretion is the better part of valor and the thing to do is to endure until we can get out of a rotten school or neighborhood, or away from a sociopath.

I strongly recommend three things:

1. Don’t be a victim.  You may be a target but you’re in charge of your response as you judge the situation.  Keep a fire of courage and strength burning in your heart.
2. Be willing to fight to protect and defend yourself.  Decide whether warning the bully might end the bullying or whether a surprise attack is your best option.
3. Learn how to fight effectively.  Notice, I did not say, “cleanly.”

What if you get suspended for fighting?  It’s worth getting suspended if you’ve stopped the bullying.  You may be a target; don’t be a victim!

You must be determined, courageous and strong in defending and protecting yourself – not because you deserve it, but because you want to, you have to.  “I want to” is more than enough reason to protect yourself.

I speak this way because I was a short, skinny, four-eyed kid who grew up in a tough, inner city ghetto.  I learned by observation and experience, not by philosophy or wishful thinking.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies; slow erosion of your soul.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Managers must confront manipulative, troublemakers

Dealing effectively with problem employees can be hard – and risky.  Courage, judgment and skill are required, and supportive leaders help.  Despite the difficulties, if you want a productive environment, exposing the problem is necessary. Why is it so hard?  Some people would say human nature.  I say fear, training in avoidance, and lack of skill.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Columbus, see: Managers must confront manipulative troublemakers http://columbus.bizjournals.com/columbus/stories/2004/09/20/smallb4.html

Problem employees can be manipulative masters at ignoring the wishes of their supervisors, using legalistic arguments to defend themselves, pitting fellow employees against one another, spreading gossip and back-stabbing.  They’re harassing, bullying and abusive.  By the time they’re adults, they’ve had a lifetime to practice their techniques.

Our society generally doesn’t train us to be warriors.  We’re trained to play nice; avoid discomfort, fear and conflict; and take the path of least resistance.  Even people who discipline themselves at the refrigerator or gym often avoid looking someone in the eye and saying “That’s not good enough” or “We don’t act like that here.”

Discipline and practice are required to skillfully take on a problem employee.  It may be hard to overcome your hesitation and to value performance more than acting sweetly hypocritical.  So it’s hard.  So what?  It tests your mettle.

Some people think you’re asking a problem employee to change, which may be hard for them.  But that’s only a half-truth.  You’re telling them to make a choice: Change or be gone.  And their degree of difficulty is irrelevant.

Managers often hope to avoid opening emotional Pandora’s Boxes, particularly if they aren’t sure of their leaders’ support.  Executives sabotage themselves and their organizations when they try to avoid recognizing and dealing with problem people.

Imagine you’re a manager assembling a new team and you’ve inherited a manipulative, long-term employee who follows her own agenda, underperforms, gossips, releases confidential material to stir up trouble, creates friction within the team, violates boundaries, feels entitled to do whatever she wants, and yet tries to rally the team against you.  Let’s call her Jane.

See the original article for more details.

Many well-meaning managers give up at this point because their childhood attitudes and rules keep them from making anyone look or feel bad.  Magical thinking makes them try to buy Jane’s loyalty by covering up for her.  The task of rehabilitating someone like Jane seems so huge, managers continue begging, renegotiating agreements and accepting her behavior.

But let’s imagine that you’re made of stronger stuff – and add another complication.  You go to the vice president of Human Resources to ask for advice.  He tells you that’s just the way Jane is and she has said things about you in confidence, he can’t reveal.  His advice: overlook it, stop being so picky and placate Jane because she's upset.

Should you take on Jane and how? The choice is simple and clear: Feel helpless, complain, whine, look the other way and give Jane control of your team or summon courage, fortitude, perseverance and skill to test your company leaders.

Can you succeed? See the original article for more details.

Lessons for executives: These problems won’t resolve themselves favorably if you ignore them.  Don’t make an instant decision to keep the highest-ranking people.  Leaders cowed by difficult people are merely administrators.

Investigate and act with discretion.  Put your stamp on company culture by confronting these situations.  You are announcing who you want to be your followers – the manipulative (mediocre who resist improving) or the above-board (productive who want to be outstanding).

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

What to do when a good worker fails as supervisor

It can be tough to look one of your employees in the eye and tell them, “This isn’t working.  You don’t have the ability to do this job.”  It can be especially painful when the employee thinks they can. A particularly difficult situation can come when you’ve promoted a good worker to a supervisory role, but they haven’t been able to learn and demonstrate the necessary skills.

To read the rest of this article from the Silicon Valley/San Jose Business Journal, see: What to do when a good worker fails as supervisor http://sanjose.bizjournals.com/sanjose/stories/2006/11/06/smallb5.html

It’s tempting to promote very competent workers.  After all, they have good skills, work ethic and know the job.  But the skills necessary to be a productive worker and to be an effective supervisor are different.

Take the case of Jane, a strong, task-oriented, problem solver – especially when she worked alone.

But as a supervisor, she’s a bust.  She doesn’t tell her staff what she needs and seems to delight in harassing them when they do things wrong.  She publicly criticizes anything she doesn’t agree with, loudly and relentlessly.  She blames and attacks others when she’s not successful, and casts suspicion and doubt on people who aren’t her favorites.  She ignores obvious legalities about confidentiality.  She’s negative, bullying and abusive.

Go back to the initial decision to promote her. What considerations went into it and how was the opportunity presented?  The overall perspective on a promotion should be that it’s a trial period.  Anyone moving from worker to supervisor has a lot to learn.  So be specific about your expectations of the employee in their new role and offer to help them make the transition.

Now comes your moment of truth. You have to face the music. Part of being a successful leader is making decisions for the betterment of the whole organization, even when you know your decisions are only best guesses and someone might disagree and have hurt feelings.

Jane needs to be demoted to become a worker again in her previous group or, more likely, demoted sideways so she doesn’t have to face her former co-workers after having been demoted.

The more you promote good workers without carefully examining the capabilities necessary to be a good supervisor, the more you’ll continue having heartache.  The more you avoid evaluation conversations, the poorer will be your results as a people manager.  The longer you allow Jane to victimize her staff; the longer you put off the conversation with Jane, the bigger the problem will grow.

And don’t chicken out by using email to avoid the conversation.

Stop Bullying Diet Saboteurs

Sue Shellenbarger’s article in the Wall Street Journal, “Colleagues Who Can Make You Fat,” focuses on people at work who try to sabotage coworkers’ diets.  People reported that colleagues and bosses made them uncomfortable admitting they were on a diet 23% of the time. In contrast, dieters said they were uncomfortable admitting that they were dieting to people in personal life – friends, relatives and spouses – 63% of the time.  That is, there are almost three times as many diet saboteurs among those who are closest to us.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Diet saboteurs use many techniques.  They:

• Tease, taunt and mock.
• Criticize, pressure and manipulate.
• Gleefully predict failure.
• Get upset because we’re spurning their offerings of fatty, starchy, sugary, calorie-loaded food.
• Lecture that we’re harming our body by dieting.

The article says that these saboteurs usually mean well.  I disagree. When diet saboteurs continue harassing and abusing us relentlessly, they don’t mean well.  They’re narcissistic bullies who have their own agenda that they think is more important than ours.  They’re righteous. They know better and they’re out to change us – usually by beating us into submission.

Typically, they try to sabotage our diets because:

• They may feel abandoned because we no longer eat the same food with them.
• They may be striking back because they take our change as a put down of their old habits.
• They may feel jealous that they’re not losing weight.
• They may see our being thinner as a threat.
• They may simply not like us and are finding another reason, excuse or justification to mock, ridicule, or put us down.

Who cares what their reasons are?  Understanding their reasons won’t help us stop them.  After the first time we’ve asked them to stop, their reasons for continuing now become excuses and justifications for continued harassment, abuse and bullying.  Bullies always find excuses to continue inflicting pain.

What’s wrong with this picture?

1. People who are closest to us – toxic spouses, family, friends – are the most relentless saboteurs.  Things are not as we would wish. Notice that I didn’t say, “Things are not as they should be.”  Things are as they are.  That’s not what’s wrong with this picture.
2. What’s wrong with this picture is that people feel uncomfortable and that feeling keeps them from doing what they need to.  Their discomfort is their excuse to become victims.

As William Boast said, “It’s important that people know what you stand for.  It’s equally important that they know what you won’t stand for.”

Don’t debate or argue with their justifications.  Don’t accept apologies unless their behavior changes.  They won’t change their behavior; they won’t give up their desire for domination and control.  Instead, stop bullies or get them off our Isle of Song.

These bullying spouses, family members and friends are telling us to examine what kind of behavior we will and won’t allow around us and our families.

To have the wonderful lives we want, we must stop bullying behavior in our personal spaces.  We wouldn’t allow family members to push an alcoholic to have “just one drink” and we wouldn’t allow family abusers or perverts access to our children.  The need to stop diet saboteurs is no different.

Of course, we can start resisting gently by asking them, one-to-one in private, to stop. Or we could ignore it or laugh it off in public.  Those approaches become tests of them.  Do they stop or do they identify themselves as bullies?

We know what doesn’t stop bullies: ignoring, minimizing, conflict-avoidance, begging, bribery, defeatism, forgiveness, appeasement, understanding, unconditional love, the Golden Rule.  Relentless bullies misunderstand our kindness. They take our “rising above” as weakness and, like sharks or hyenas, they’re encouraged to attack us more.

Their relentless attacks force us to confront the central issue: which is more important; good behavior or bad blood?  And when they continue their abuse, bullies force us into an all-or-none choice.  Are we willing to defend the behavior we need to have, even if it breaks the old family dynamic, the code of silence that enables the nastiest spouse or relatives to continue getting away with their abuse for the sake of, “family?”

That choice thrusts us into the second stage of maturity – we’re called upon to decide, as independent adults, what behavior we will or won’t allow into our lives, no matter what the relationship is called.  We’re called upon to have more confidence and self-esteem.

For some examples, see the case studies in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Can We Stop Bullies if We Love Them?

Many comments are similar on the articles:

• Get Away from a Controlling, Bullying, Abusive Husband
• Abusive, Manipulative Husbands Who Control Wives
• Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands

Abused, bullied and battered women often end their comments with some version of:

• But I still love him.
• Sometimes he’s nice to me and I still think I can change him, if only I was good enough.
• He still says that he loves me.
• I’m afraid to leave because I’m worthless and won’t be able to make it without him.
• I’m afraid to leave because he’ll kill me.

Today, let’s focus on the idea that woman can’t dump him because they love him.  Of course the same reasons are true for men facing negative, critical, harassing, manipulative, abusive, bullying, battering women.

For a moment, forget what we were taught about love, especially the importance and moral value of unconditional love, when we were young – what it is, what it feels like, how we know we’re really in love and what we’re supposed to do when we feel that way.

Now that we’re adults, we can decide for ourselves what we want to call “love” and how we’ll act when we “love.”  Is love merely lust, or feeling complete or whole, or feeling that we can’t live without the other person?  Do those feelings mean that we’ll be happy because we’re mad for the other person or that we can work out how to live together?  If we feel those feelings, must we move in together and maybe get married?  When we love, must we believe what he says or accept whatever he does, must we be submissive and obey him, must we accept his reasons, excuses, justifications and promises, must we forgive or appease him endlessly, must we debate until he accepts our point of view..

As long as the answers don’t affect our lives, we might have fun speculating about those questions.  But even though love is usually accompanied by real feelings, it’s still an abstract concept that really isn’t a tangible noun, like a physical object is.

A more useful path is to choose how we want to be loved.  That is; what kind of behavior will we allow in our personal space, whether the actions are called “love” or “bullying” or “abuse.”

Also more useful is to choose which of our thoughts and feelings we want to follow in our lives.  Or, which feelings, if any, do we want to let blow us over or sweep us away.

Now that we’re adults with more experience, we can see that when we let some feelings sweep us away, we’re like a sail boat without a rudder or keel.  We’re blown whichever way the wind and current takes us.  We’ve lost control and we’ll never get where we want to sail to.  We’re at the mercy of external forces – his whims and actions at the moment.  Do we want to continue letting ourselves get blown away?

It’s even worse after kids come.  So many women make mistakes about which values are most important.  For example, they think that it’s most important that their kids have a father even if that father abuses and bullies them or only their mother.  Or they think that they most important value is never to say anything bad about their children’s father, even though their observations are accurate and especially necessary to reinforce what their children see and think.  People are being beaten and that’s being called “love.” Children must learn that they are seeing reality and they can trust their perceptions.  Covering up the truth or lying creates self-doubt and undermines their confidence and self-esteem.

I think that it comes down to knowing, in our heart-of-hearts, that we can’t let whatever feeling we call “love” take over our lives when that feeling keeps putting us and our children in harm’s way.  There are higher standards of behavior than that feeling we call “love.”  And that the word “love” doesn’t remove all the pain caused when narcissistic, righteous predators attack their targets.

If “love” means that we’ll never stop the perpetrator and never leave him, he’ll never stop bullying.  Why should he; he’s in control and gets what he wants.  If “love” means that the victim must follow the Golden Rule, never confront or upset the bully and only beg him to change, but never have serious consequences, we’ll never stop bullies.

On the other hand, if we love our spirits, our children and our high standards of behavior that are required in our personal space, then we can stop bullies or get away from their bullying.  The number one factor in changing the behavior of relentless bullies is serious consequences.

We know we must live up to our best aspirations and standards, we must demand only the best for ourselves and our children.  Don’t suffer in silence.  We must say, “No. That’s enough.  I won’t let our lives be ruined for that kind of love.”

Of course, it may be scary, dangerous and difficult to get away.  Of course, we may be poor and suffer at first.  But it’s the only chance we have to clear our personal space so that someone wonderful can come into it; someone who treats us good.  We must not be defeated by defeats.

Three steps are necessary:

1. Taking power for ourselves, and counting on the strength and determination that will come to us when we keep making good decisions by dumping the jerk.
2. Getting help to create a plan and carry it out with determination, perseverance, strength, courage and resilience.
3. Having a wiser and more mature sense of love and which feelings to pay attention to.  That means straightening ourselves out so we’ll love better people who treat us well.

Feelings and thoughts are like the bubbles of carbonation on a soda.  They’re always, always, endlessly bubbling up to the surface and then drifting away.  Some of those bubbles can smell pretty bad.  Pardon the crudity, but we’ve all had brain farts.  And like the other kind, we know that if we wait a minute, the stinky, scary, self-bullying fears, put-downs and “shoulds” will drift off on their own.  We can decide not to act on them and simply let them go.  We can throw ourselves into other thoughts or activities to speed the process.

I’ve focused on bullying spouses, but the same can be said about demanding, bullying, toxic family members, like parents, siblings and extended family.  They bully and say that we should accept the bad treatment because we’re “family.”  But requiring good behavior is a better standard than tolerating bad blood.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Don't let bullies create a hostile workplace

Work bullies can ruin a culture, destroy productivity and make your life – and the lives of everyone else they target – miserable. And it’s not just bullying bosses who are the problem.  Co-workers and employees also use bullying behavior that creates a hostile workplace.

Excluding lethal weapons, here are the top dozen techniques bullies use to ruin a workplace.

To read the rest of this article from the Dallas Business Journal, see: Don’t let bullies create a hostile workplace http://www.bizjournals.com/dallas/stories/2008/06/09/smallb3.html

Most bullies use combinations of these methods.  The relentless application of these harassing, abusive techniques reinforces humiliation, pain and fear.  Cliques and mobs rapidly form. Bullying can make the targets feel helpless and situations seem hopeless.

These methods cause increased hostility, tension, selfishness, turf wars, sick leave, stress-related disabilities, turn over and legal actions.  People become isolated, do busy work with no important results and waste huge chunks of time talking about the latest episodes of bullying.

Effort is diffused instead of aligned.  Teamwork, productivity, responsibility, efficiency, creativity and taking reasonable risks are decreased.  Promotions are based on sucking up to the most difficult and nasty people, not on merit.  The best people leave as soon as they can.

Your operational system may look wonderful on paper, but the wrong people in the wrong culture can always find ways to thwart it.  Your pipeline leaks money and profits plummet.

A common mistake in dealing with repeated bullying is to spend much too much time and effort trying to educate, explain, understand, accept, forgive, beg, bribe, ignore, reason with or appease them.  These approaches won’t convert dedicated bullies into reasonable, civil and professional people. These approaches only stop people who aren’t really bullies, but have behaved badly one time.

During the time well-meaning or conflict-avoidant supervisors, human resource and civil rights professionals are trying these techniques to educate or rehabilitate bullies, they’re actually victimizing everyone else in the organization.  The monetary and emotional cost of tolerating or enabling bullies can be astronomical.

Determined bullies don’t take your understanding and acquiescing as kindness. They take your giving in as weakness and an invitation to abuse you more.  Bullies bully repeatedly and without real remorse.  They might appear to apologize sincerely, but you should accept only behavioral change, not good acting.

The best way to stop a bully is to stand up to them.  Expose and isolate them.  Or catch them doing something outrageous or illegal in front of witnesses.  Stopping them and having serious consequences for repetitions are also the greatest stimuli for change.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of hostile attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Can We Stop Bullies if We Have Sympathy for Everyone?

Of course, it’s easy to sympathize with most people.  If someone has been abused, bullied or worse as a child, our hearts go out to them in sorrow for their suffering.  Or we can see someone’s beautiful spirit, the spirit of God, in them and our hearts will go out to them with compassion and empathy. But if a friend, neighbor or co-worker comes to you full of hurt, anger and outrage, does that mean that someone else actually did something wrong to them?

Maybe or maybe not.

For example, Linda recently moved next-door to Carrie in their friendly, family-focused block. It was a cul-de-sac and all the families had kids approximately the same age.  They’d organized many activities, birthday parties and car pools in order to create a community feeling.

Carrie and Linda started becoming close friends.  One day, Linda came to Carrie crying and angry.  As Linda struggled to stop her tears, Carrie felt herself becoming angry on Linda’s behalf.  Who’d caused this much pain and suffering to her friend?

Linda explained that one of the other women had made cutting remarks about Linda’s husband not being as successful as many of the other husbands and that Linda’s children weren’t as athletic or smart as the others.  Carrie was furious.  How could that woman say such things and hurt Linda so much?  What kind of neighborly welcome was that?

In an act of sympathetic friendship, Carrie said she’d never liked the other woman, who was always pompous and inflating her husband and children.  Linda shouldn’t pay attention to what the other woman had said.  Linda should know all the other women liked her much more than the other woman.

None of that was true.  Carrie actually liked and admired the other woman.  She’d never been negative, insensitive, righteous or arrogant before.  She’d always gone out of her way to help everyone.  Actually, Carrie couldn’t imagine the other woman saying those things to Linda.  But, obviously Linda’s pain meant that she had, indeed, said those things.  And Carrie thought it was her responsibility to comfort Linda and make her feel better.

The tactic worked.  After Carrie’s statement, Linda seemed to feel much better.  She thanked Carrie and left.

Two days later, Carrie noticed that the other woman had snubbed her in public and was whispering with Linda and a few of the others behind Carrie’s back.  Linda seemed to be accepted as part of the group and Carrie was glad for her.  But she still felt the cold shoulder.  Over the next week, it got worse.  She felt defeated, being cut out by the other women.

Episodes like this were repeated, sometimes with Carrie as the target and sometimes with other women as targets.  Carrie realized that it was like being back in junior high or high school again.  There was the clique of “in girls,” now led by Linda, and a shifting group of “targets-of-the-day.”

Carrie later discovered that after she’d sympathized with Linda, Linda had gone to the other woman and told her what Carrie had said behind her back.  Of course, the woman had reacted and had started snubbing Carrie.

In this article, I won’t go into how Carrie learned what Linda had been doing to each of the women or how Carrie managed to combat it.  Carrie might have been Linda’s first target, but she was not a victim.

Linda’s narcissistic, sneaky, manipulative, back-stabbing behavior was her tactic for breaking in to a new group and taking control of it.  Linda was a Queen Bee.  She wanted to control the turf.  She wanted everyone to be either so worshipful or so afraid that they sucked up to her and did what she demanded.

If Carrie had let herself be ruled by her sympathy for a friend trying to break in to a new group, she’d have never been able to protect herself.  Instead, she did not accept defeat.  She took power over her actions.  She was able to bring the women together in friendship and to return the block to a friendly, activity-filled community.

Carrie and the other women found that acts of friendship did not change Linda’s behavior.  She could not be won over to acting nicely.  All their sympathy and compassion didn’t stop Linda from harassing or bullying.  She would not be a true friend.  She remained a “mean girl.

As Carrie discovered the hard way, sometimes sympathy can be a trap.  Her sympathy only aided and enabled a bully to spread her poison.

Just because someone is hurt and angry does not mean that someone else really did anything wrong to them

Carrie should have been more careful of what she did to make Linda feel better.  And she should have trusted her knowledge of the other woman’s good character.  She should not have believed Linda’s report, no matter how convincing.  She should have spoken face-to-face to the other woman in the beginning.

If a person who’s hurt, angry and complaining is a snake or go-between, who likes to pour gasoline on fires and stir up trouble between other people – who plays the game of “Uproar” – they’ll use any sympathy, opinions or information to enmesh you in a fight with someone else.

I haven’t mentioned the “Linda’s” in our extended families because we already know who those manipulative tricksters are.  We’ve already been sucked in to their manipulations so many times that we’ve learned to protect ourselves and to maintain good relations with the other people who act nice in return

A big learning for Carrie was that we may see someone’s shining, Godly spirit, but we’ll probably get to deal with their personality and the consequences they cause us.

It’s not the sympathy that’s a problem.  It’s how we express that sympathy or the dumb ways our sympathy can lead us to act in order to make someone feel better.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Managers must be decisive in handling problems

Good managers don’t clean up messes caused by their staffs.  They prevent messes from happening. Carl, head of a division, finally had to fix the problems in a department run by a senior manager, Brenda.  He transferred one supervisor and three high-ranking staff members to other departments.  He was satisfied: once again, he showed that he could be decisive and clean house.

But Carl had consistently ignored my advice that the head of that department was a problem.  Even with the housecleaning, he didn’t make the changes necessary to keep the problems from resurfacing later.

To read the rest of this article from the Jacksonville Business Journal, see: Managers must be decisive in handling problems http://www.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2009/02/02/smallb5.html

I discovered a dark side behind Brenda’s behavior.  She was both conflict avoidant and passive-aggressive.

Carl’s permissiveness allowed Brenda to create a toxic culture of conflict-avoidance and passive-aggressiveness that diminished productivity throughout her department.  Abusive, harassing, bullying, unprofessional behavior included back-stabbing, innuendos, rumors, negativity and warring cliques; leading to widespread paranoia and over-reactions.

Carl and Benda ignored the widespread evidence that some people simply didn’t like each other and wouldn’t collaborate, and that for some people, personal agendas took precedence over company goals.  Also, some people behave decently only when they are actually held accountable by meaningful consequences.  Real-world bullies won’t behave, no matter what.

Carl and Brenda wouldn’t hold staff accountable in any consistent and meaningful way.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of conflict-avoidant, passive-aggressive low attitudes of managers and staff.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Can Fear and Anger Help Stop Bullies?

Some people think that fear and anger are always bad.  Some people think that fear and anger can’t help stop bullies. I disagree.

When used and directed appropriately, fear and anger can help us stop bullies in all areas of life – abusive, violent, demeaning spouses; sneaky, manipulative, toxic parents or adult children; taunting, teasing, harassing, predatory school bullies; dangerous and deadly gangs; bullying bosses or coworkers; or even our worry and anxiety about something general and more amorphous like a poor economy and no savings, no insurance and a huge mortgage payments for a house beyond our means.

Fear

• Fear is a normal feeling we have in order to warn ourselves of danger.  It's our way of telling ourselves to get ready, mobilize ourselves and take precautions - there might be a saber-toothed tiger lurking down the trail.
• In these situations, the purpose of fear is to alert and energize us to make our best and most thoughtful responses to the danger.
• If we let fear grow so big that we’re panicked into fight, flight or freeze, or into our favorite childhood response, we won’t respond effectively.  We'll go overboard.  We'll start begging or we'll run and hide.  And then we’ll bully ourselves with negative self-talk, guilt, shame, perfectionism, remorse and recriminations because we over-reacted and made a mess of things.
• Our childhood responses were useful when we were growing up.  After all, we did survive; we did live to become adults.  But those over-the-top responses are no longer effective enough; they’re the down-side of allowing our fear to overwhelm us before we respond.
• The key to success is to act when our warning fear is small so we can engage our brain in planning how to respond.

Anger

• Anger is simply our effort to mobilize ourselves, to get us in gear to respond, to give us enough strength and power to act effectively.  Most people need some amount of anger when they’re small children in order to get the big people to listen.  Anger is simply motivational energy.
• But if we let anger build up too much we’ll blow up and kill someone.  Just like the case for fear, our childhood responses were useful when we were growing up.  After all, we did survive; we did live to become adults.  But those over-the-top responses are no longer effective enough; they’re the down-side of allowing our anger to overwhelm us before we respond.
• The key to success is to act when our energizing anger is small so we can engage our brain in planning how to respond.
• If we start acting when our anger is merely irritation or frustration, we can engage our brains to develop smart, effective action.  If we wait too long, we’ll make ourselves much too angry; we’ll turn to rage.  We’ll explode and create a bigger mess.  Or we’ll repress ourselves totally and live with those terrible consequences, such as depression and low confidence and self-esteem.

Maybe a good analogy is that if doing nothing is like going zero mph and blowing up is going 100 mph, we need to train ourselves to start acting at 10-40 mph, and to learn skills in that range so we can act effectively.  When we were children, most people didn’t get enough practice of how to act in that range.  As adults, many people still haven’t learned how to act effectively in that range.

Of course, if we respond early and effectively to our hesitation, irritation and frustration in stopping bullies, we can respond more effectively.  Fear and anger are simply warnings (like smoke detectors) and fuel for our engines so we can get to where we want to be.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with those signals or with that fuel.  As long as we act before we’re at their mercy.

Of course, our tactics will be different when we stop bullies in different situations.  But once our energy, courage, determination and power are hooked up to our brains, we have a much better chance of success than if we’re overcome by fear or anger.

We can even learn to respond effectively to the worry, fear and anger that are common at 2 AM when our “Monkey Minds” jump around uncontrollably.

What if our fear or anger seems to become overwhelming instantly and we feel out of control?  Actually, you’ll find it’s not instantaneous; it just seems that way because we’ve practiced soften. For some techniques to overcome worry, fear and anger, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” available fastest from this web site.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

The Will to Stop Bullies, Stop Bullying

Everyone has moments that matter: moments when our life can go in either direction; moments when we can choose the strength to soar to heaven or the weakness to fall into hell.  You know, those moments in which everything gets absolutely quiet and the air seems to pulse and throb with the power and weight of a choice that will change our life.  What will we do?  Which path will we choose?  What will our life become? All bullies, all targets and all witnesses have those moments when the rest of their lives hang in the balance.  Will they stop bullying?  Will they stop being victims of bullies or of their own self-bullying?  Will they give up in defeat and despair or will they forge ahead, no matter the consequences?

These are the moments when, if we have the “Will,” we can will ourselves into wonderful futures.

Charles M. Blow reminded me of the moments of truth that I’ve seen in the lives of all the bullies and also all the targets I’ve known.  He wrote a wonderful, deep, heart-felt column in the New York Times, “The Bleakness of the Bullied.”

He describes his own experience when he was eight, the subject of “relentless teasing and bullying from all directions – classmates as well as extended family.”  In a pit of despair, he contemplated suicide, only to be heartened when a song, often sung by his mother, leapt to his mind, “Precious Lord, Take My Hand.”

He knew he had “to be brave and patient, that this was not to be my last night.”

Notice the “Will.” Charles was not going to be a victim any more.  Somehow he’d resist, he’d grow, he’d survive and thrive.

Every target of bullying I’ve ever coached had a similar moment in their childhood or in our work together: A moment when they faced the bleakness of a future of continuing to be a victim or, alternatively, the brightness of standing up and fighting back in some way.  In that moment, they each responded to that choice with a great surge of Will, power and energy.  They fanned the spark in their heart into a fierce flame that warmed, strengthened and sustained them.

Once their Will took over their actions, despite a little anxiety, the rest was straightforward.

They would not give in to bullies, predators and abusers.  They would not give in to their self-bullying, negative self-talk, anxiety, stress, fear, panic and despair.  They would not succumb to self-doubt.  They would not let their self-confidence and self-esteem be eroded or destroyed.  They would not be defeated.

They would keep that flame alive by daring to protect and defend themselves; by taking the risk of creating a brilliant and wonderful future for themselves, no matter the opinions of their oppressors or the cost to the old, destructive patterns they had been mired in or the people they were related to.

In “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site, you can read about the moment I had.

Their action plans were different depending on their circumstances but they had the same Will and they learned the same skills.

I’ve seen the same moment of truth with bullies.

One former bully told me of a moment when he was about nine and was the biggest, toughest angriest kid in his class.  He had thought he was simply doing what he had to do to make his place in the world.  Then, a principal hauled him into his office, sat him down and told him, in so many words, that he was a bully and he had to stop or he’d be thrown out of school.  He was too vicious, nasty and brutal to be allowed to continue harassing and tormenting the kids he was victimizing.

The boy was stunned.  He’d never thought of himself as a bully, as vicious and nasty.  And he certainly didn’t want to be thrown out of school.  In that moment his heart broke open and he vowed never to be a bully again, even if he was the biggest kid in the room.

That principal was great because he confronted the situation and acted firmly and effectively, even though the boy’s response might have been dangerous for his career.  He was not a cowardly, do-nothing principal.

Why was that bully seeing me?  He wanted to learn skills to negotiate his adult life without reverting to bullying in order to get his way.  He didn’t want to be a bullying spouse, co-worker or boss.   He didn’t want to be a bullying parent.

What has been your experience?

In all cases, success requires two things of us:

1. The Will – determination, strength, courage and perseverance – grit.
2. The skills to succeed.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Teacher Watches Bullying: Not an Isolated Case

Newspaper videos show a suburban Dallas teacher watch one of his high school students get beaten by another student.  This was not an isolated incident.  That student was targeted for months.  Since Dallas doesn’t have a policy, teachers are on their own in deciding what to do.  In that environment, do you think that this is an isolated incident?  Not likely.  Is this only a problem for Dallas schools?  Not likely. I have a lot of sympathy for the teacher (even though he was a relatively large man) and even more for the target, who’d been turned into a victim by school-system adults who were irresponsible.  Don’t focus only on the teacher; focus on all the adults in the Dallas school system who abandoned that kid – from board members to principals and teachers and the teachers’ union.

Everyone involved in schools knows there’s a problem.  Everyone points fingers at everyone else but no one takes the obvious actions.  Why wait until there’s another killing or another suicide before they act?

Sometimes I get mad enough to want to see the bullies and the adults’ people’s pictures in the post office among the most wanted, or on television, so we can recognize the slackers when we see them at the supermarket.  Who do I fault?

• Legislators and school board members: How can they not have laws and policies?  I know there are lots of problems writing good laws and crafting effective policies, but if they’re not up to the task, resign and let us get some adults who can.  We all know that if their kids were targeted, they’d spring into action.
• The teachers’ union: I’m appalled that the union isn’t leading the fight (read, “spending their lobbying dollars”) to make legislators pass laws and school boards implement strong policies to empower and protect teachers when they intervene.  They have all the evidence they need to act.
• According to the article in the Dallas News, “Rena Honea, president of Dallas teachers association Alliance-AFT, says, ‘Teachers have intervened in the past.  They have been injured.  They have not been able to return to work.  They have been reprimanded for intervening.  So there is a huge question mark as to what's truly appropriate.  Teachers who have intervened in the past have found themselves on the ground, suffering from sometimes serious injuries, a 2008 story by Tawnell Hobbs found.  She found that assaults by students on Dallas ISD employees and volunteers had more than doubled over a 5-year span from 147 incidents in 2002-03 to 312 in 2006-07, according to district statistics.
• Of course, bullies don’t respect adults who don’t maintain lines of civil behavior.  Of course, bullies will attack people, even adults, they think can’t protect and defend themselves.
• Principals and teachers: They’re stuck, hanging out to dry on their own, unprotected by their employers (school boards) and by their union.  That teacher in Seagoville, Texas was risking his career and his personal life if he intervened.  The attacker could have beaten him.  The attacker and his parents could have sued him.  No one is protecting him.  He’s in a no-win situation.  How come the school district doesn’t have a clear, strong program that requires principals and teachers to act?
• The bully and his parents: Have his parents done anything to teach their child?  Has the kid never learned any better?  How come the parents haven’t come forward to apologize or ask the police to prosecute their child?  Are the adults in the school system so afraid of being sued that they’ve abandoned our children?

Harassing, bullying, abusing and beating kids are terrible acts.  Irresponsible adults who have good reasons, rationalizations, excuses and justifications for not intervening are even worse.  They convert targets into victims.

Targets can resist and get help from responsible adults.

Victims are unprotected, helpless and isolated.  When victims grow up:

• They tend to perpetuate the pattern of being victims in relationships and at work.
• They’re not resilient; the smallest adversity defeats them.
• Happiness is fleeting; bitterness and depression is their lot.  Anything good they get is never enough, never satisfying, never brings joy.
• They have no inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience.
• Their self-confidence and self-esteem may be destroyed.  Anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation may be stimulated.  They move easily toward isolation, depression and suicide.

The next articles will deal with what we, as parents, can do to make sure this doesn’t happen to our children; especially what we can do during the summer.

But the general take-home for parents is that all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  So we must plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Power is Better than Empowerment

Of course I have to explain what I mean by that stark statement.  I use the words “power” and “empowerment” to refer to different ideas.  You may have other words to describe the difference.  The difference is much more important than the particular words used.  Power has gotten a bad reputation but I want to bring it back as one of the essentials in life. Most people I meet say they want to be empowered in the sense that they want other people to listen to them, respect what they ask for and act toward them in decent, respectful ways.  What I hear is a sense of being given something – respect, civility, being taken seriously.  Notice that there’s no common form of the word that allows us to take empowerment whether or not the other person wants to give it to you.

Maybe a good example of what I object to in this use of the word empowerment was captured in a commercial for Hummers that lasted for only a short time.  It showed an upscale young woman with her 4-5 year-old son having fun at what looked like a public playground.  Suddenly a large, coarse, crude looking woman was there with her large, crude, coarse 4-5 year-old child.  The bully shoved the upscale child aside and took over the slide they both wanted to use.  The upscale mom glared at the other mother, who glared right back.  The upscale child looked crushed and did nothing.

The upscale mom was fuming but said and did nothing.  Instead, as the next scene showed, she bought a new Hummer and was happily driving with her child as the voice over intoned that she now felt “empowered.”

Nothing like a new Hummer to make you feel empowered.  Even though she never said or did anything to protect her child and help him get his turn on the slide.

Power’s bad reputation is because of the many misuses of power that we’re all aware of.  A seemingly logical mistake was to think that since power can be misused and “absolute power corrupts absolutely,” any power is dangerous and bad.

Power is neutral.  Power is the engine that moves us through life.  Power is as necessary as an engine is.  We all know what it’s like trying to motivate or depend on a person who has little or no engine.

Without an engine, nothing is possible.  With a great engine we can get somewhere.  And with a great engine, we must also have a great steering wheel and brakes.  As Spiderman’s uncle said to him, “With great power comes great responsibility.

Unlike empowerment, power is ours for the taking.  We must take power over ourselves and over our personal space.  Freedom isn’t free.  No one can give you freedom and liberty.  They must be fought for and won by each individual.

What does this have to do with taunting, teasing, harassing, bullying and abuse?

When we take power over our inner world, we can also take charge of our outer world.  If we ask bullies to stop but they don’t, we don’t have to beg them, we don’t become victims while we’re waiting for laws, policies and programs to be enacted in order to empower us; we act from our own personal power.

Of course, I don’t mean for us to become murdering vigilantes.  But I do mean for us to act skillfully to protect ourselves and to stop bullies.  We don’t go buy a Hummer to feel good.  We do something to rectify the situation in which there’s bullying or abuse.

Empowerment that’s given, gives shallow and hollow confidence and self-esteem.  Confidence and self-esteem are real and deep when they’re forged by standing up courageously, powerfully and skillfully to challenging situations.

Relentless bullies are predators.  They see weak people as easy targets; they become bolder in their attacks.  They see strong people as difficult or dangerous to them and they go looking for easier targets.

Take power over yourself – discipline and train yourself.  Take power over your personal space – decide who you’ll allow on your island.  Take power over your present and future.

Maturation: Overcome Fear of Bullying Parents

Many people still feel like children when their parents boss, belittle, criticize, demean, blame, shame, bully, abuse and guilt-trip them.  The now-adult children still feel afraid, just like they did years ago. Angry, hostile, harassing, taunting parents still elicit the most primitive responses from their adult children – fight, flight or freeze.

How can these adult children free themselves from uncivil, impolite, nasty, manipulative or toxic parents who trample their boundaries?

The first step is always inner change.

Grown children need to mature into adults; to free ourselves from our childhood rules expectations and roles, from our fears and guilts.  In many ways it’s like shedding our old skin and growing one that fits better, or going into a cocoon and emerging as a butterfly.  It’s also just as natural.

We must make up our adult minds and hearts about what we will allow in our personal space.  Will we allow anyone to treat us like a child or simply treat us badly, or will be allow only our parents?  If our answer is “yes,” then we’ll probably be bullied, abused and terrorized by toxic parents for the rest of our lives.

That is a life choice many people make.  If we make it as an adult, not only as a beaten and submissive child, then it’s our choice and we get to live with it.

Many cultures consider that duty, obligation, respect and catering to parents – even vicious, abusive, bullies – as the most important duty of a good child.  It’s often called “filial piety.”  The principle is that we owe them our lives and must pay that debt as long as we live.  If we’re lucky, our children will pay their debt to us in the same way.  Some cultures have been organized around filial piety for thousands of years; it works and is self perpetuating.

However, the negative, bullying, abusive self-talk can corrode our spirit, sap our strength, ruin our focus and destroy our courage.  Looking at ourselves with demanding, toxic parents’ hostile eyes and talking to ourselves with their critical, perfectionistic, never-pleased voices can be demoralizing and debilitating.  Constant repetition of all our imperfections, mistakes, faults, failures and character flaws can lead us down a path toward isolation, depression and suicide.  Don’t go there.

In many ways, the Enlightenment in the West broke with that old tradition of filial piety championed a new way of being in the world.

As adults, we have the freedom and responsibility to make a different choice.  We have the moral right, permission and strength to stand against our parents and other people’s commandments.  We may and can and must choose for ourselves.

We can choose not to look over our shoulders and bow to our ancestors in fear and obedience.  Instead we can look ahead to our descendents with hope.  We can focus on taking care of our physical and spiritual children more than our parents.

The old way was to ask authorities, ask “What’s right?”  Now, we say, “That’s for us to decide.  We will follow the call of our Spirit, not the roles, beliefs and ideas we accepted when we were children.”  Of course, the Enlightenment’s way has its own downsides, but I’d rather have its upsides.

Maturing requires us to stand our Spirit’s ground, especially with our parents and extended family.  The longer we endure what we think of as mistreatment, the more our Spirits will shrivel and die, day-by-day. We must say some form of, “I love you but I’ll allow you in my space only if you treat me like I want to be treated, like you’d treat a person whose affections you’re trying to win.  I’m an adult; treat me nicely, kindly, respectfully and with fear that you might anger me.”

Often, we hold back because of our fears – fear of offending a moral code, fear of the condemnation of the “elders,” fear that we must think they’re evil, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of going too far, fear of our bullying parent’s power and retaliation, fear of being on our own emotionally even if we’re already married and have our own children.  We hold back because of the Golden Rule.  We hold back because we accept their excuses and justifications.

If we hold back, their bullying and abuse will continue and escalate.  If we still try to beg, bribe, please and appease them in order to get them to treat us decently, they’ll keep thinking they’re right and safe in continuing to beat us into submission.  We’ll get what we’re willing to tolerate.

Instead, break the game.  We don’t have to be perfect before they have to change how they act.  We’re not mature until we simply tell them what we want and have rewards if they’re nice and consequences if they continue abusing us.

Many people think that before they act they should do psychoanalysis until their fear is gone.  That’s a seductive trap, especially because it means they don’t have to act.  That way makes us think we’re weak and cowardly – it fills us with anxiety, stress and self-recrimination; we lose confidence and self-esteem; we’re more easily subject to physical ailments; we isolate ourselves and become depressed.

Speaking up and acting to make our words real is the way of courage; it builds strength, confidence and power.  Those fine qualities are developed only by overcoming fear and strong challenges.  Don’t wait until we’re “ready” to act in a way that’s perfect.  Act now; act next time.  We don’t have to be perfect the first time. If we go too far or not far enough, accept no blame, shame or guilt.  Simply adjust so we get closer to the way we want next time…and the time after…and the time after.  There will be more “time after’s.”

Some parents will finally see the consequences of losing contact with us; they’ll change their behavior.  Some won’t.  They also have free will and choice.

We’re not mature until we make an adult decision about what we’ll allow in our personal space and then back up that decision with rewards and consequences.

Of course the predicament is the same for parents with abusive children, or even worse since the children can deny their parents contact with the grandchildren

Remember, all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  We must plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome our fears and hesitations, and parents who won’t treat us right.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” contains the case studies of Carrie, Kathy, Doug, Jake and Ralph taking charge of themselves and stopping bullying parents and extended family members.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Stop Bullies: Forgiveness Won't Work

My personal and professional experience is that forgiveness doesn’t stop real-world bullies. Most people think forgiveness consists of two things:

1. Some surge of feelings that makes us more kindly disposed toward a person who has injured us, whether intentionally or not.  Words in dictionaries include:

• A thawing or understanding, caring, sympathy, empathy, compassion, pity, pardoning, clemency, mercy, kindness and benevolence and
• A letting go of anger, resentment, the desire to punish, vindictiveness and revenge.

1. Putting ourselves back into the same situation with that bully to show that we trust him not to take advantage of us or harm us.

Many people are addicted to those wonderful feelings of forgiveness.  They feel morally superior and spiritually advanced.

Indeed, when our hearts open up, a bridge of good will and good behavior can be created.  The other person may be genuinely sorry for their behavior and won’t do it again.  If possible, amends can be made with a reciprocal flow of open-heartedness.  Subsequent interactions can be founded on charity and caring.

There have even been documented cases in which parents have forgiven the murderer of their child, and the murderer was transformed and spent the rest of his life making amends and teaching others about the bond of caring that can exist between all humans.

Real-world bullies – relentless, narcissistic control-freaks; mean, nasty, emotional manipulators and blackmailers; taunting, harassing, abusive predators – don’t stop because we forgive them.  Indeed, they interpret forgiveness, understanding and caring just like they interpret unconditional love – as signs of weakness and invitations to increase bullying and take advantage of us more.

I think of forgiveness in a totally different way.  When we’ve forgiven someone, they don’t occupy much space in our thoughts and lives.  We simply don’t think about them much.

If we observe people carefully, we can see that we usually get to that place of forgiveness when we’re confident that we’ve met two conditions:

1. We know that we’re protected from that bully; we have the awareness and skill so that we won’t let them harm us again.
2. We also want to see them make amends that require effort and sacrifice.  It’s not enough that they apologize or promise they’ll never do it again.  Talk is cheap; it’s too easy to say, “Sorry” one time.  We want to see acts that make amends over time.

Also, our confidence is not about whether or not the bully has transformed and won’t hurt us again.  We’re simply confident in our own abilities.  Then we can stop obsessing on the incidents of abuse and bullying, and focus on what we want to do in our lives.

Our previous obsession with the pain of bullying was simply motivation, a strong reminder that we don’t want to experience that ever again.  Once we’re sure ourselves, we no longer need to revisit the painful incident to remind us to be prepared.

But how about the idea of putting ourselves back into the same situation again to show forgiveness?  Nonsense.  Although we can see the spirit of goodness within each person, that’s not what we get to deal with in the physical world.  We get to deal with their personality and ego.

Before we trust someone and allow them in our lives, we should observe them in many situations, time after time.  We should observe their behavior, not the reasons, excuses and justifications for their actions.  We should permit them to move closer by small steps.

Personally, if the pain caused by the bully was great, I don’t want them in my life again, no matter how much they want to continue and promise they’ve changed.  We can go our separate ways.  I can observe from a distance and after 20-30 years I might change my mind about interacting.

There are many processes we can use to reach that level of determination and skill.

Why do I take this strong stand?

Because I’ve seen so many sneaky, manipulative, toxic parents who, after a lifetime of battering and spurning their children, get old and want those children to serve them.  The parents now admit they were wrong and insist that the children take them back and cater to their wishes.  The emotional blackmail is, “If you were a truly forgiving person, you’d be understanding and kind, and care for us now.”  But these toxic parents don’t stop bullying their children.  They’re merely narcissistic, control-freaks demanding or blackmailing or using guilt to get what they want.

I’ve seen so many abusive husbands beg their victims for forgiveness, and then after a short period of good behavior, go right back to battering.

Why put yourself in harm’s way?  Let these bullies practice being transformed on other people’s bodies.  Watch them from a distance for 20-30 years to see if they’re sincere and can keep their promises.

But let’s go back and ask, “What if you’ve forgiven the murderer of your child, but the murderer wasn’t transformed by your forgiveness?”  You’ve lost nothing.  The murderer is still behind bars, I hope forever or awaiting the death penalty, and you’re still on the outside.  Nothing will bring your child back so you might as well think only rarely of the murderer and think often of your child and how you want to live now.

Self-forgiveness is akin to this, but it’ll be the subject of another article.

You choose which way of looking at forgiveness you want; which criteria you’ll follow before you forgive.  Which way gives us the kind of life we want: to feel spiritually advanced and get taken advantage of repeatedly or to keep bullies out of our internal and external worlds?

Of course, your plan must fit you, your family and the situation.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.  We can overcome childhood rules that aren’t appropriate to our desire to thrive in the real-world.

Bullying Spouses won't be Convinced to Change

You can’t convince bullying spouses to change; you’ll never prove that you’re right or should have what you need; you’ll never deserve the rewards they withhold from you.  They’re not interested in the truth or in your reasons or your wonderful logic.  They’re not interested in loving you the way you want to be loved.  They know best and they’re only interested in getting their way; in controlling everything – money, sex, cars, computers, phones, friends, family. So many blog comments are from women wanting to be told that they’re right in their arguments with their husbands; that they should be allowed to do a few things like see their parents or girl friends or have a few dollars for groceries.  They seem to think they need to get permission from their controlling husbands to even spend a few dollars of the money they earn.  They’re always surprised that their good arguments don’t convince these control-freaks and bullies to change their behavior.

Many coaching clients come or call when they’re stuck in the same endless dynamic.  Some husbands say the same things about the controlling wives.

I have to say: Give it up. You’ll never prove anything to someone who doesn’t want to be convinced; to someone who thinks their best interests are served by always being right and always being in charge.

One of the favorite tactics of bullies is to attack.  These verbal and emotional bullies are always finding fault and picking on flaws.  The natural response at first is for the wives to defend themselves.  But that only perpetuates the cycle of attack and defense.  There’s never an end to the constant harassment and negativity.

Eventually the women get worn down.  They’re too tired to fight about everything, especially the silly little stuff so they give up and accept the bully’s rule.  Then they become victims.  They accept that it is their fault; there must be something wrong with them.

The bully will destroy their confidence and self-esteem.  The stress, anxiety and negative self-talk will lead to depression.  They think that if only they were perfect enough, he’d be nice and encouraging and loving.

The solution begins with a difficult realization: When it gets to that point, you’ll never win the argument.  You’re being poisoned slowly, there’s no convincing a toxic predator to change and your only hope is getting away.

No matter what the cost, if you don’t get away, the poison will take its effect; your soul will be destroyed.  Even if you have to begin from square-one again, you must begin.  You’ll need all the strength and courage you can muster.  You’ll develop the endurance and skill as you proceed.

Of course it’s hard.  When you’re living in the ninth circle of hell, it takes a lot to get out.  But that’s what you’re being called to do.  Your spirit is calling you to make the effort.  Your bright future is calling you to make the journey.

If you have children, don’t see them as an impediment.  Let them stimulate you to break out of prison and start a new life as far away as you need.

Of course, if we can catch it earlier, it’s easier to declare and maintain your boundaries.  Then it’s easier to demand loving behavior and to get away if the abuse continues.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching can help you make a plan that fits you and your situation.  Expert coaching can help you overcome the voices of your fears and self-bullying.  Expert coaching can help you honor the commitments and responsibilities you still want to honor.

You’ll find many examples of children and adults stopping bullies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.  Or call me for coaching at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).

Of course also, everything I’ve described here is true about harassing, bullying, abusive bosses, co-workers, friends, parents, family, children.  How easy is it to convince a teenager who wants something desperately?  How easy is it to prove yourself to a rage-aholic parent who thinks you’re bad or will be a loser?  How easy is it to convert a know-it-all boss?  How easy is it to prove yourself to a parent who loves one of your sisters or brothers more?  How easy is it to change a righteous Church Elder?

Are You Defeated by Defeat?

What do you do after you’ve been hit hard and knocked down by life?  What do you do after your dreams have been shattered?  What do you do after you’ve been rejected or lost everything?  What do you do when you’ve been defeated?  What do you do when you realize you chose an abusive bully and you don’t know how to protect your kids?  The wisdom of the ages, from all traditions and cultures, gives the same answer, even if the reasons are very different. In “The Ghost and the Darkness,” Val Kilmer plays a British engineer trying to build a bridge across a river in Africa.  Two lions, accurately named “The Ghost” and “The Darkness” begin stalking and killing the men building the bridge.  The lions outsmart every attempt to trap and kill them.

Finally, Val Kilmer develops a brilliant plan to trap one of the lions in a railroad car.  They do trap the lion but he escapes, burning down the car.  Kilmer is devastated and defeated.

The killings mount until the workers start leaving.  They hire a skilled hunter, Michael Douglas, who is also caustic and sarcastic.  At the climax to the first half of the movie, when the hunter sees Kilmer’s dejection and hears of Kilmer’s failed plan, he says, “There’s an old saying in boxing, ‘Everyone has a plan until they get hit and knocked down.  Then the plan goes out the window.  What matters is what you do after you’ve been hit and knocked down.  Do you stay down or do you get up and fight again?’”

There it is.  Kilmer faces his plans in ashes and his life as a failure because the men will leave, the bridge will be abandoned and he’ll never get another job.

The tension comes to a head when Douglas has a plan but the lions outsmart him and kill all the wounded men in the hospital.  Douglas, the great hunter, is devastated and defeated.  In total, the lions killed over a hundred men.

Kilmer says to him, “There’s an old saying in boxing, ‘Everyone has a plan until they get hit and knocked down.  Then the plan goes out the window.  What matters is what you do after you’ve been hit and knocked down.  Do you stay down or do you get up and fight again?’”

There it is; the point of the movie; the point for all of us in the real world.  Will we be defeated by defeat, will we give up when we’re back to square-one, will we give up when life is unfair or too destructive for us or will we get up and fight again, build again?

We, who don’t face killer lions everyday, still do face risk and disaster everyday by:

• Human agency – we get fired, we put our savings down on the wrong stock, we give our retirement money to the wrong Ponzi scheme, some maniac or drunk driver kills people we love, some crazy person kills us and 10 others at work, we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time when a riot, revolution or war breaks out, our parents are toxic, our grown children won’t let us see our grandchildren or our spouse is negative, harassing, bullying and destroying our kids’ self-esteem and confidence, and running away means being broke.
• Natural forces – tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, prolonged drought or flood.

Even the smaller failures growing up can seem like disaster – we fail a test or a course, we’re rejected or dumped by someone gorgeous or handsome, our secrets are spread over school or the internet, we don’t make a team we’d hoped for or counted on, we don’t get into the school of our choice, our parents don’t or can’t give us the latest stuff, the cool kids scorn us, we do something really embarrassing. Our children face the same questions repeatedly: Will we be defeated by defeat; will we give up when we’re back to square-one; will we give up when life is unfair or too destructive for us or will we get up and fight again, build again?

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” Eleanor Roosevelt.

As adults, our job is to:

• Teach kids to get up and fight and build again, no matter what happens, no matter how unfair, no matter how devastating.  Remember the sign on the bridge to Terabithia, “Nothing Crushes Us.”
• Be models of great-hearted human beings who are not defeated by defeat; who don’t give in to depression and discouragement; but instead, who get up and fight and build again.  Our job is to be models of courage, strength and resilience in the face of whatever life holds for us.  Our job is to be models in the hope that our children will be inspired to be as great-hearted.

Notice, I ignored whether Douglas and Kilmer finally kill the lions.  Yes that’s important to building the bridge and to the material parts of their lives.  But that’s not important to the human spirits of Kilmer and Douglas being great because they’re undefeated by defeat; to them having the indomitable will to continue, no matter the obstacles and not knowing whether they’ll succeed.  Okay; the factual resolution is that the Ghost and the Darkness are now preserved in the Field Museum in Chicago – and they did kill that many people.

“Strength comes not from physical capacity.   It comes from indomitable will,” Gandhi.

Notice, I also ignored the historical implications of colonialism.  Of course, that’s there, but that’s not the main point for my life.

The point is to use the movie to stimulate in me the greatest that I can be.  There are thousands of heroes and heroines, real and fictional, who can remind us to get up off the floor when life has knocked us down.  The point is to use everything I see and hear to inspire me to choose whether to live a selfish, shabby, sordid story or a great and worthy story; to chose to be the hero of my life.

“Glory is not in never having been knocked down.  Glory is in rising up again, each time you are knocked down,” Vince Lombardi.

Stop School-Bullying Suicides Caused by Do-Nothing Principals

Principals didn’t stop school bullies and now there are more school bullying-caused suicides.  In all of the cases I’ll describe, there were differences in the bullies’ methods of harassing and abusing their targets.  But what was the same was that the parents complained and the responsible school teachers and principals didn’t protect the children in their care.  Also the same was the principals’ or school district administrators’ defense: “We didn’t know.” To me, especially after the parents of the targets complained, that’s an admission of incompetence, delinquency and neglect.  The other kids at school knew who bullies were and where, when and how it occurred; why don’t the college-educated, supposedly intelligent and responsible adults know?

I know that the first culprits are the bullies themselves and their parents.  But I want to shine two lights: I know that the first culprits are the bullies themselves and their parents.  But I want to shine two lights:

• First, on the responsible, but do-nothing adults in the schools – the principals, assistant principals, teachers, counselors, district administrators and school board members.
• Second, on the skills parents need learn in order to force inactive, conflict-avoidant, lazy, cowardly or uncaring principals to protect their children.

Notice the similarities in all these cases:

• In Texas, a straight “A” eighth-grader, Asher Brown, took his life 18 months after his parents claim to have reported on-going bullying by four other students.  Despite the evidence of repeated conversations offered by the parents, the school district spokeswomen, Kelli Durham, whose husband, Alan Durham, is assistant principal, claims that they never knew and never had evidence.  Nothing was done to stop the bullies or remove them.

However, numerous comments from other parents and students on the web site of KRIV-TV Channel 26, which also reported a story about Brown's death, stated that the boy had been bullied by classmates for several years and claimed Cy-Fair ISD in Texas does nothing to stop such harassment.

• A 13-year old, Texas eighth grader, Jon Carmichael, took his own life because of repeated bullying.  Teachers and students in the school district had already undergone anti-bullying training after a similar suicide last year.  Nevertheless, nothing was done about this case of repeated abuse.  One of the admitted bullies, Chris Montelongo, said, "I can guarantee you it was most of the school who messed with Jon."  But none of the responsible adults noticed and intervened.

• An 11-year old Oklahoma boy, Ty Smalley, committed suicide after being bullied repeatedly for about two years.  Despite the parents contact with the school, teachers, counselors and the principal never saw anything and never stopped the bullying.  The parents were told things like, “Boys will be boys” and “It would be looked into.”  According to Ty’s father, Kirk, the school never documented any of these conversations so they can now claim that they never knew.

The event that precipitated Ty’s suicide was when he finally retaliated against the bully he was suspended for three days while the bully, previously identified to the teachers, was suspended for only one day.

• An eight-year old in a Texas Elementary school tried to commit suicide, but survived his leap off the balcony of a school building.  He had been repeatedly harassed but school officials had done nothing.  His mother said that teachers kept telling her they'd “handle it” when she complained about the bullying over the past seven months.  The last straw for the 8-year-old was when he was told to leave his classroom after two other boys pulled down his pants in front of the class.

The principal, Linda Bellard, said teachers never informed her of the harassment until the boy's suicide attempt, although the child's mother had visited the school seven times since September to complain about the problem.

Each of these cases will wind their way through courts, settlements will be reached in some, some school administrators will get off because there aren’t specific enough laws that require them to act and we’ll probably never know the whole truth because we weren’t there.

As a parent whose responsibility is to ensure the physical safety, and the mental, emotional and spiritual well-being of your child, you need to know how to get appropriate action from principals and teachers who will resist acting strongly and swiftly to stop bullies.  Your child’s self-confidence, self-esteem and life depend on your skill.

• Complain to teachers, counselors and principals.  But it’s never enough to complain or even to keep a record of your visit and conversation.
• Give the responsible adults one chance.  Do they remove the bully?  Do they continue to monitor the bully and his or her friends for further retaliation?  Or do they remove your child?  Do they excuse the bully’s behavior as, “Kids will be kids?”  Do they say that the bully has a right to be educated in classes of his or her choice?
• Use “The Lucius Malfoy” test.  Is your child’s principal standing up to the bullying parents of the school bully?  Or will he or she cower in front of bullying parents who say their child does no wrong or who threaten to sue the school if anything happens to their little darling?
• If your principal fails theses test you must bring pressure to bear - immediately.  Remember that principals fear three things more than anything else: loss of job, publicity and law suits.
• Get a lawyer and media publicity.  Learn what constitutes evidence and documentation.  Record all communication.  Communicate in writing and have proof that school officials received the letters you write.
• Bullying is rarely an isolated event.  Unite with other parents whose children are bullied.  Get witnesses who will put their evidence in writing.
• Have support for the long-haul.  Find people who’ll keep your spirits up through repeated set-backs.  Find experts to help you plan tactics at each step of the way.

Have great appreciation for principals who simply won’t tolerate bullying – who will have strong, proactive programs to train their staff and who will act swiftly and firmly in response to complaints.  Training is never enough: strong and courageous people are required to make these programs effective. Have realistic expectations; don’t assume that principals, teachers, counselors and district administrators will be active in stopping bullies.  Expect bullies’ parents to thwart your efforts.  Expect most uninvolved people to look away.  If nothing bad happens to bullies, expect other kids to pile on.

You’re on your own.  Many children will give up if they’re not protected by adults; make sure that you know how to protect yours.  Be the skillful advocate of your child’s safety and well-being.

Stop Abusive, Bullying Teachers

Which professions, in their teaching schools and in their on-the-job practices, foster or tolerate the worst and most flagrant forms of bullying?  I don’t know, but teaching is right up there with doctors and lawyers and others I may be overlooking. I see two kinds of principals running two very different kinds of public schools.

The smaller percent won’t tolerate bullying among the students, won’t tolerate bullying of the students by teachers and also won’t tolerate bullying of teachers by other teachers.  These principals and teachers are a pleasure to work with.  We can design policies and proactive programs to keep students and teachers safe and focused on teaching.  These people say, “We don’t tolerate bullying here.”

Unfortunately, the larger percent of principals and teachers tolerate or ignore bullying on the part of students and the faculty.  Even if they have anti-bullying policies, they don’t have effective programs and they won’t stand up to bullies – students or teachers.  They’re usually the schools at which principals and even counselors will look me in the eye and say, as if they believe it, “We have no bullying here,” – even though teachers and students know who the bullies are and where, when and how the bullying occurs, and they’ve complained publically about bullying, and even after there have been suicides.

By the way, not only public schools, but also colleges, universities and professional, post-graduate training schools (teacher training, medical schools, and law schools) are hotbeds of faculty harassing and bullying students, and faculty bullying other faculty.  Don’t believe me?  Check out the law suits and blogs.  Ask the teachers, doctors and lawyers you know personally.  Ask about arrogant, narcissistic, abusive control-freaks. How do teachers bully other teachers?

• Senior individuals, including principals, have power and control over junior teachers and will misuse that power for personal reasons, including sex.  One variant is, “Suck up to me or I’ll sabotage your career.”  Another is, “I’m powerful and I enjoy making you squirm.”  Or, “They did it to me and now I’ll do it to you.”  And, “It’s for your own good.  It’ll make you stronger.”
• Often, cliques of senior or even junior teachers try to run the show.  One variant is, “Join our clique and suck up to us or else.”  Another is, “Don’t change my perks or the status quo, and don’t threaten my job.  Don’t expose our failures or dirty laundry even though we’re not changing.  If you do, we’ll get you.”  Their favorite tactics are to ostracize the offender and to blame all the problems on him or her.  These vicious gangs will try to silence or remove offenders for nitpicky, trumped up reasons.

What can you do if you’re managing such an environment?

• In my experience, successful change starts from the top down.
• At a college, university or professional school, it takes a very powerful and very politically astute new administrator or new department head to change the environment.  The new person will have to weed through his staff slowly and carefully, replacing the worst bullies and narcissists for legal reasons and in legal ways.  He’ll have to have support because there will be widespread personal attacks and law suits.
• At a public school, change requires a new principal supported by the district administrators and school boards.  The new principal will have to be a master at enrolling a core group of supportive teachers and the media, and maneuvering around the union.  Entrenched people, like infected splinters, are hard to reach and remove.  But persevering and savvy principals can set a new tone in their schools.

What can you do if you’re a target?

• Notice the signs.  If you’re ignored, blamed or attacked in public, especially in front of students, you’re being set-up to be the target of a public media campaign as a troublemaker who needs fired for the well-being of the school.  There’s no negotiating with these righteous predators and flying low won’t get them to back off.  You won’t get the union to back you.
• Hire a good lawyer who knows how to get the right publicity – not the school lawyer.  Being right won’t prevent a smear campaign, full of innuendos and lies, against you.  Learn what to document on your home computer.
• You’ll probably end up looking for a job in another state with one of the few district administrators who can see the truth and are willing to take a chance on a “potential troublemaker.”

It’s particularly sad when the people who are responsible to guard our children against bullying are bullies themselves.  We each have to fight our own private battle against abuse by people in power or those out of power who want to gain power and control.

Hire an expert coach and read the examples in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”