Stop toxic parents and bullying husbands’ lies

Toxic parents and bullying husbands who act overtly are easy for everyone to recognize.  They’re abusive and controlling bullies in public.

But sneaky, manipulative bullies are harder to recognize.

1. They make things up and they act like they’re absolutely certain they’re right.  You begin to question what you saw and heard.  You doubt yourself and lose confidence in your own perceptions.  You begin to think you’re dumb and crazy.  You lose self-esteem.
   
2. To your family and friends, they tell lies about you and about what happened.  They have plausible sounding reasons and excuses for everything.  They’re so convincing and shrewd they get believed.  They get everyone to think you’re crazy or bad; they turn everyone against you. 

How do you know they’re doing it or they’ve done it again after they promised they wouldn’t?

1. You sense the lies they tell you; you begin to think you’re crazy (again) because reality doesn’t match what they’re saying.  You’re exhausted and want to give up because they’re more determined and relentless.  You feel like a helpless victim.
   
2. Other people call or write to scold or coerce you, or they withdraw or they start acting weird to you or around you.

What can you do to stop toxic parents and bullying husbands?

1. Don’t debate or argue; don’t wait for their agreement or permission.  Tell the controlling liars that you’re going to believe yourself no matter what they say and you’ll act as if you know the truth.
   
2. Tell other people not to believe anything those toxic bullies say but, instead, to talk to you immediately and directly.
   
3. When you talk to other people, don’t try to prove you’re right; stand on your character and history with them.  They should know who tells the truth from their interactions with you versus those toxic bullies.
   
4. Test other people.  If they believe the toxic bullies’ lies, you don’t want them in your life; if they give you advice to minimize, placate, appease, beg or bribe the bullies, you don’t want them in your life.  If they tell you that kindness and the Golden Rule will win over those toxic parents or spouses, stop talking with them.

The best way to stop lying, toxic parents and bullying spouses is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Subtle Office Bullies Before They Kick You Around

Cowards die a thousand deaths, the brave die only once.  Don’t give in to supervisors or coworkers who try to bully you.

Some bullies have obvious strategies for getting their way - threatening, harassing or attacking behavior designed to cower you.  The most pervasive forms of bullying, however, are done by people who violate social codes.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Stop Subtle Office Bullies Before They Kick You Around
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/04/14/smallb8.html

These subtle bullies rummage through your desk, letters and e-mail, listen to your phone calls, get jealous if they’re not included in everything, belittle you in a seemingly humorous way, spread gossip, negativity and/or sarcasm, give the silent treatment, ignore your pressures and deadlines, trample the boundary between professional friendliness and personal intimacy, and create cliques that subvert teamwork.

These insidious behaviors usually go unchecked because they are not recognized as bullying.  People live with their hurt, irritation, frustration and anger because what bothers them are violations of unwritten, supposedly personal codes, not written rules.

If you advertise that you’re hesitant or afraid, if you whine or if you suffer in silence, every bully in the neighborhood knows that there’s a victim waiting to be taken advantage of.

Coping starts when you label these tactics as bullying in order to mobilize yourself into taking effective action.  Protect your boundaries and standards; your personal ecology in your personal space.

Set team standards about privacy, space, turf, possessions, interruptions, punctuality, gossip, sarcasm, negativity, and boundaries between professional life and personal life.

The personal agendas of pathological bullies are more important to them than the goals or processes of the team.  They have many strategies to keep you from maintaining your standards.

Appeasement is never effective with determined bullies.  They’re boundary pushers who always want more.

If you’re consistent, resilient and persevering, these people may find easier prey elsewhere - or the whole team may close ranks against them.

Your peace of mind is essential.   Face your hesitations and fears.  Do what’s good for yourself, your tasks and your team.  Have courage, have hope, have a plan.  Be the hero of your life.

The best way to stop harassment, negativity and subtle bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Don't Stress Out Trying to Motivate Slackers

You’ve heard it a hundred times, “A great manager can motivate anyone.” Hogwash.

The fact is some slackers simply don’t care and are beyond motivation.  And it’s a waste of your limited time and energy to keep trying.  If you’re sick and tired and stressed out because you’ve accepted responsibility for motivating slackers, prepare for the inevitable effects of continued frustration and emotional pain.  You’ll be exhausted, burn out and get physically ill.

Unfortunately, managers often find themselves pressured to motivate everyone.  And both they and their bosses may see these managers as failures when they can’t pull it off.  It’s time to give them a break.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Louisville, see: Don’t stress out trying to motivate slackers

http://www.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2007/05/28/editorial3.html

Many slackers are like teenagers who don’t want to take out the trash or clean their rooms.  They pretend they’re not responsible or don’t know how.  They act as if there’s a debate going on between them and their managers, and they don’t have to do the work unless they like the bribe.  Slackers are sneaky, manipulative bullies.

Motivating your employees is an important part of being a good manger.  It’s also important to recognize the ones who can’t be motivated, so you don’t waste time trying to do the undoable.

If they’re not performing, let them know immediately and link consequences and rewards to performance.  You can’t make them happy enough to work hard.  If they don’t respond to praise or fear with increased productivity, let them look for a job where they’ll be appreciated for slacking.  Or, maybe, a termination will change their slacker attitude.

You’re not looking for people who require constant motivation and micromanagement.  You’re looking for people who come to you inspired and eager to face challenges, who take responsibility and who succeed.

Keeping a slacker forces good performers to pick up that slack.  You’re simply spreading the stress around so you don’t have to bear the whole burden.  That’s a poor reward for a good performer.  It’s as if you’re saying, “I can count on you so I’m going to give you a bonus of extra work.  We’re going to continue paying that underperforming slacker while you carry their slack in addition to the two jobs you already do.”

The most dismal cases are in organizations that promote slackers to management or allow slacking managers to stay.  That  spreads slacking over a wider territory.

In the real world it’s everyone’s job, including a president or CEO, to motivate his supervisors that he’s worth keeping.  Why should it be up to your managers to motivate the slackers on your payroll?  Slackers should be working hard to motivate you to keep them.

Slackers create the same symptoms.  Performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissists, incompetent, lazy, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

Don’t waste your valuable people time on slackers.  You won’t make things better being a peacemaker.  Begging, bribery, endless praise, appeasement, endless ‘second chances,’ unconditional love and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  Stop emotional bullies and stop bullying.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

It's not what you say – but how you say it – that counts

Effective communication isn’t just what you say.  How you say it is equally important. Consider the case of Pam, Jennifer and Greg.  Pam and Jennifer were valued employees about to be discarded because of a simple communication style difference.

To read the rest of this article from the Business Journal of Jacksonville, see: It’s not what you say – but how you say it – that counts,

http://jacksonville.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2005/03/28/smallb3.html

After Jennifer researched possible solutions to a problem, she’d tell her boss, Pam, the conclusions before presenting how she’d arrived at them.  Pam felt manipulated and insulted and considering firing Jennifer.

At the same time, Pam was getting great results but sensed that her boss, Greg, was upset with her.  He looked bored and impatient in their meetings.  She’d overheard him saying she was a fuzzy thinker who didn’t have the incisive mind necessary for promotion.

She’d tried to please him by giving him more extensive reports of potential projects, especially the process by which she’d gathered the information.  She wanted to make sure he had all the details so he could make up his own mind before she presented her suggestions.

Jennifer and Greg are “bottom liners.”  They present options or conclusions first so people can analyze their reasoning to see if they’d arrive at the same ones.  Greg wants a conclusion up front so he can decide rapidly whether he likes it or whether he needs to hear more details.  Once he reaches a decision, he doesn’t want to waste his time on extraneous information.

Pam is a “processor.”  She reviews how she arrived at a conclusion before giving her favored option.  That way, people can make up their own minds, without manipulation, to see if they arrive at the same one.

Miscommunication resulting from different communication styles causes escalating hostility, extra work, diminished productivity and lost profits.

Each style has benefits, but each also creates problems.  How do you discover what they are? Ask someone who favors one style about its advantages and about the problems with the other style.

Take responsibility for matching preferred work styles and communication.  Although it’s easy to become righteous in defending your favored style of communication, results are more important than style.

People are not their titles or functions, they’re individuals and most are trying to do their best in ways that have worked for them before - despite what you may think about them because you favor your style and can justify why it’s best.

In our time, diversity makes the problem worse.

Learn to detect other people’s preferred styles and how to communicate effectively in that style.  That’s not too much for you to learn. You’re a human being, designed to learn these styles rapidly.  That’s how all babies learn to please and manipulate their parents.

Whenever possible, communicate face-to-face when something might be sensitive or at the first sign of a misunderstanding or adverse emotional response.  Don’t text or use e-mail.  Get away from your desk and share coffee or food.  Create a human interaction with two people trying to understand how to talk to each other to get the best results, not an interaction to see who is right or can beat the other person down.

I typically focus on preferred styles in about 30 different situations.  A few other examples of important communication style differences are: saying things bluntly vs. talking around a subject; preferring written vs. verbal communication; brainstorming by talking vs. talking only after making a decision; focusing on the exact dictionary definition of words vs. expecting people to read between the lines; communicating in thoughtful monotones vs. passionate variations.

Are your messages going unheard or are you misunderstanding individuals and groups with different communication styles?

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

No-conflict workplace won't resolve problems. Anger goes underground when it's avoided

     

Dealing with conflict in corporate America is a problem of extremes.  Ineffective leaders either use confrontation and bullying as weapons to beat employees down, or they mandate conflict-free zones.  Both extremes suppress effective disagreement, drive opposition underground and create toxic environments. To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see: No-conflict workplace won't resolve problems:  Anger goes underground when it's avoided

http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2003/09/01/smallb3.html

While bullying bosses are recognized problems, the cancerous effects of no-conflict zones usually fester unnoticed until they metastasize. In the quest to be respectful of people’s feelings, ineffective leaders have covered up problems or rushed to easy, token resolutions.  They have abandoned the most effective tools for creating innovation and improvement - challenge and opposition that promotes creativity and brings out the best efforts of worthy staff.  Conflict-avoidant managers cannot be effective leaders.

The problem is not disagreement; the problem is escalation – in either direction. The challenge for leaders is to find the sweet spot between the extremes.  The key to success is the fundamental agreement to use the opposing forces for the common good while preventing escalation.

One organization I worked with had decreed there would be no emotional responses or disagreement. Everyone was required to be calm, sweet, kind and reasonable in public.  Disagreement was hidden behind closed doors and, even then, had to be circumspect and cloaked in appreciation and praise.  There were very strict communication formulas, ostensibly so no one’s feelings would ever be hurt.  Not only were sticks and stones forbidden, but also honest words.

Typical of such poisonous situations, overt channels of responsibility, authority and accountability had become shams. A small clique of the most difficult and manipulative people used their hypersensitivity to control the organization behind the scenes.  The best games-players intrigued to make decisions in their own best interests.  Quality employees started leaving.

Apposition is a better word than opposition to describe passionate disagreement that promotes the greater good. Your opposable thumb and forefinger often appose by pushing against each other hard so you can pick up your pencil and get to work.  Apposition creates opportunity and promotes success.

If disagreement has been suppressed, the initial steps in transforming a toxic culture will seethe with emotion. Pay the price and move through the flare up.

You don’t need to initiate angry confrontations in order to be clear and firm about standards of productivity, quality or behavior.  But if the other person wants to start a fight or throw a fit, effective leaders learn to deal with emotionally charged interactions rapidly and effectively.

Conflict is nothing to be afraid of - appreciate and respect worthy opponents who bring out the best in both of you.

The best leaders seek areas of disagreement and challenge. Emotion, challenge and disagreement power the engine of leadership.  To drive success, moderate and direct that fuel appropriately.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop a Critical Perfectionist in Your Family

     

Alice’s mother, Helen, was a critical perfectionist.  Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was done right; nobody could please her, no matter how hard they tried.  She’d been that way as long as Alice could remember and Alice had lived in fear of her mother’s attacks at least as long. There had been hundreds of incidents before, but the one that finally pushed Alice over the line was at Helen’s retirement from work when she was seventy.  Helen said she didn’t want a party.  Alice argued; seventy and retiring were big events, Helen deserved a big celebration, the family wanted to get together.  But Helen was adamant, so Alice gave in and made no plans.

The night before her retirement, Helen called Alice and asked when the big party was; she’d been given no details and Alice was a lousy daughter for not planning a party exactly the way Helen wanted.

Alice was stunned but managed to get her brain working.  Hurriedly she picked the following Saturday for the event.  Alice asked Helen who she wanted invited and what she wanted at the party.  Helen said that anything would do, she wasn’t picky.

Alice ignored a nagging feeling that she was being set up as usual.  She did her best.  She invited all the family and a few friends Helen had from work.  She organized a potluck.  On the big night, there was plenty of food and everybody seemed to have a good time.

The next morning her mother called Alice and started abusing her.  Nothing had been right at her party.  She’d invited all the wrong people, had all the wrong food, the party was too small and there was not enough praise for Helen’s long years of hard work.  Helen was mortified that Alice was such an incompetent and miserable hostess, and an uncaring, unloving daughter.

Because Alice had sought coaching previously, she was prepared.  Something in her snapped.  After all these years of submitting to her mother’s abuse, Alice had had enough.

She said she had a new rule when facing a bullying control-freak: just say “No.” No more hiding things and pretending; Helen was mean, nasty and no fun.  No more looking the other way; no more colluding or enabling Helen’s behavior.  No more planning for Helen.  If Helen wanted to see her, she’d have to stop that behavior immediately.  If she needed therapy, she should go get it.

Before Helen could interrupt, Alice went on.  She was not going to open herself to the usual abuse Helen heaped on her every year so her mother wasn’t invited to have Christmas with them.  Alice and her family were gong to relax and enjoy the holidays without any complaining, sarcasm or put-downs.  Then she said good-bye.

Alice immediately called everyone in the family and told them what she’d told her mother.  Of course, they knew how Helen had always been.  Now that a heroine had stepped forward, a few who had always submitted and endured Helen’s past behavior were willing to support Alice by agreeing with her in public and even telling Helen what they thought of her behavior.

With her own children and their families, Alice also insisted on a new family rule: When someone tries to do something nice for you, just say “Thank you.”

Of course, Alice was soon smitten with guilt and self-bullying.  She thought she’d gone too far and she really was ungrateful and unloving.  She’d expected those thoughts and had planned not to act on them.  She took a cold shower instead.  And she stuck to her plan.

It was scary for her to stand up for her own standards; to act in public like the person she wanted to be.  But she kept herself on track by remembering she was setting a good example for her children and their spouses.  Later, she was kept on track by the pleasure she felt when her children and some of her extended family started saying “thank you” instead of complaining.

Critical perfectionists come in all sizes and shapes, create hundreds of different situations and attack in many overt and covert ways.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Self-Bullying: Stop Negative Self-Talk

Most of us have those nagging, scolding, demeaning, negative voices that disparage, harass and abuse us.  I call that “self-bullying.”  Those voices that know everything about us – all our hesitations, fears, mistakes, failures, regrets – because they are us.

We might put ourselves down:

1. In voices we grew up with – parents, siblings, relatives, teachers, ministers.
2. In voices we hear now – our spouses, our kids, our parents and siblings, and supposed friends.
3. In voices we’ve internalized so they sound like our own voices.

Most people also think:

1. Those voices are correct.  After all, they are giving the facts.
2. We can’t ever change those voices.  We’ll be victims of the blame, shame, guilt and scars forever.

That thinking is wrong.

Here’s an alternative approach that succeeds:

1. Understand that self-bullying is a motivation strategy that we accept, practice and master while we’re growing up.  Its task is to make us do better so we can be great.  A part of us accepts that strategy and adopts the voices and attitudes of those around us.
2. As we grow up, that strategy costs us too much – more than a pound of flesh – and becomes self-defeating.  We lose confidence and self-esteem, we wallow in negativity, despair and hopelessness.  We fail because we’re beaten down even before we begin.
3. We need another and better strategy.  We can convert those negative voices into voices that will make us feel at our best and put us into a mental and emotional space in which we’ll stop thinking about ourselves, but instead, focus on the task at hand so that we’ll bring our best skills to bear.  We’ll do our best.
4. Those same parts of us will become coaching voices that put us at our best.

This may sound like an impossibility but it’s not.  It’s actually simple, clear and straightforward, even if it’s not easy.  Coaching makes it possible.

But beware.  There are consequences of changing those voices and becoming our best.  We won’t want to be around people who still look as us with unkind eyes and who flagellate us, whatever they claim as their reasons or justifications.  We’ll open space in our lives for people who treat us well.  And the mental and emotional scars will heal.

The best way to end self-bullying and to feel and act the way you’ve always wanted is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Team Agreements Keep Companies Healthy

Vision and goals are the heart and mind of your company.  Teamwork is the engine that drives physical performance - products, service, productivity, costs, pricing and marketing.

Your company can’t guarantee successful, integrated performance - but if you don’t provide organizational leadership that coordinates effort, you do guarantee failure.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Team Agreements Keep Companies Healthy
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/06/16/smallb5.html

The structure and the teamwork guidelines must enable employees to work more effectively and efficiently. Guidelines, flexible enough to accommodate to changing situations and to benefit from creativity and different styles, take precedence over individual preferences.

To maintain consistent performance, the following agreements must be honored, from the CEO to the lowest supervisor and employee:

• Stand-up clearly, directly, matter-of-factly and firmly for the company standards and teamwork guidelines.  Take sides with the standards, not the personalities.
  
• Hold everyone accountable for great teamwork and human skills, as well as technical competency.  Teamwork can’t be maintained when top leaders loot the company or when employees can use threats of lawsuits to blackmail the company into violating its standards.
  
• Hire, train, encourage, demand, evaluate, and reward good will and good cheer.  Have consequences for ill will, laziness, etc.

Someone unhappy with these agreements can try to change them according to your policies and procedures or he/she can leave.  Someone generally unhappy with life cannot be allowed to infect the whole company.  A healthy body must isolate or remove foreign objects.

Chain of command and chain of communication aren’t enough.  You need specific guidelines for proactive teamwork policies and procedures.  There is no “perfect” set. Some of my favorite ones are: - see original article.

In order to have a coordinated and well-functioning corporate body capable of obtaining the success you envision, you must provide an appropriate structure, an integrated system, effective nutrition, and consistent training.  Teamwork keeps the body healthy, and aligns effort.

The best way to develop team agreements for professional behavior that will stop harassment, negativity and bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of your low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Master Your Fears to Manage Workplace Change Effectively

Whether you’re managing a forced or chosen company reorganization, downsizing, career or personal change, fear shuts the doors of your mind, limits your horizons and choices, throttles your energy and resources, and thwarts success.  Master your fears to manage change effectively.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Master Your Fears to Manage Workplace Change Effectively
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/08/25/smallb5.html

People in our culture typically respond with debilitating fear to ambiguity, uncertainty, unpredictability and the potential danger of change.  Victim-thinking, paranoia, stupidity, ignorance, and narcissism become rampant.  Tunnel-vision, defensiveness, survival-thinking, inactivity, and back-stabbing increase.

To develop effective attitudes you will have to protect yourself from the epidemic of fear spread by the media and most people you know.

• Some of the common “fear-viruses” and their antidotes (read the original article) are:
• “The global forces of a shrinking economy are too powerful for any individual.”
• “When a lot is on the line, you’re supposed to react with fear.”
• “Any time your feelings are hurt or you don’t get what you want, it’s a tragedy.”
• “Society owes you a living; comfort, convenience and success are your right.”
• “Any mistake can be fatal; if you stumble, get knocked down or pause on your treadmill, it’s a portent of inevitable disaster.”

Don’t let self-bullying, self-doubt and self-abuse sap your strength and determination, and make you ineffective.

Take charge of the choices that you do have.  Persevere though the days seem tedious and your efforts appear to be without effect. Be the hero of your life; master the changes you face.

The best way to learn how to protect and defend yourself from your own self-bullying thought viruses is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti self-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of your low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Drive a Stake into the Hearts of Work "Vampires"

I consulted with someone who was slowly being sucked dry by work “Vampires”.  She felt too drained and fatigued to produce what she needed to.  She spent too much time off-track listening to “soap operas” or helping people do their jobs.  She tried to help others to settle their conflicts only to find herself in the middle and being blamed by everyone.  She took everything to heart and tried to make everyone happy.  She thought that the most important thing was not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Drive a Stake Into the Hearts of Work "Vampires"
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/10/13/smallb3.html

• Let’s focus here on the attitudes and some action plans she now uses.
  Attitudes always come first.
  
• She responds to the warning signs she previously ignored: where vampires lurk, what they use for cover, and how they catch people unawares.
  She is committed to saying, “No” when it’s appropriate.  She reaches “burn-out” with people who continue to take without giving back.
  
• She learned how to say, “No” by observing, asking good teachers how they do it, and practicing (trial and course-correction).
  
• She identifies the warning signs she previously ignored: where vampires lurk, what they use for cover, and how they catch people unawares.
  
• She puts responsibilities where they belong and she doesn’t get caught in the middle of other people’s problems.
  
• She needs good solid blocks of time to do her own tasks. She demands them and preserves them. That’s her first priority.

And if she ever again feels drained and fatigued after interacting with someone, she just has to get the garlic and stakes - check her attitudes, develop a strategy, gather her resources (determination, perseverance, resilience, flexibility, humor), use her skills, and take appropriate action.

The best way to learn how to protect and defend yourself, and to set high standards is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic Parents/Toxic Boyfriends/Toxic Husbands

When Melanie began standing up to her toxic parents, when she began establishing boundaries with real consequences, she realized that she had the same problems and patterns with toxic boyfriends.

She’d always picked boyfriends who criticized, demeaned, controlled, abused, and bullied her – in the same ways her parents had.  And she’d given in to them just like she had to her parents.  She’d complained and argued, but she’d never left.

The hold she allowed them over her was also the same as she’d allowed her parents to have.  They had something she wanted so she gave in and tolerated everything they did.  No, not what she wanted: what she thought she desperately needed to have right away that she thought she couldn’t get on her own.

They said they could teach her skills she wanted to learn or introduce her to the right people or get her jobs.  She thought, and they reinforced, that she’d never get it so easily without them.  She thought she needed them to make the life she wanted.  But they only came through a little bit and only if she paid a high and ever increasing price.

Also, they always thought they were right and they were righteous about it.  They stimulated her self-questioning and self-doubt.  Her self-esteem plummeted.  She really thought she was needy and dependent.  The cycle got worse with each new relationship.  Maybe, she thought, they were right.  They seemed certain and she was certain that if she didn’t do what they wanted, she’d never succeed.  Maybe, she thought, that’s the way the world is or that’s the way all men are.

When she looked at her friends, she saw that most were in the same types of relationships with their demanding boyfriends or husbands.  Some of the details were different, but the patterns were the same.

The friends that were in healthy, non-toxic relationships said they’d support her, but she would have to make the first moves herself.  She’d have to free herself, no matter what the cost.  Then and only then, would they help her.  They also said they were tired of her whining and complaining but lack of effective action.

The stronger Melanie got setting boundaries with her parents, the clearer her relationship patterns became.  Her fear and desperation decreased.  She became determined and courageous.  She began setting boundaries and getting rid of the toxic boyfriends.  She became determined to make it on her own, even if that took longer and would be harder.

Surprisingly, once she started freeing herself, unforeseen opportunities opened up. She stopped complaining and soon had less tolerance for the whining of others.  As most of her desperate and needy old friends left her life, old, strong friends and her new friends did help her. 

More rapidly than she expected, the weight lifted from her shoulders and she felt free.  And she took advantage of the opportunities.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies?  Slow erosion of your soul!

The best way to stop bullying by toxic boyfriends or husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents blackmail you to get their way

Melanie’s parents never beat her physically but they got her to do what they wanted by blackmail.  Melanie always paid a high price for anything they did for her.  And they always claimed they were generous and wonderful, not blackmailing, manipulative or nasty.

This is only one way toxic parents control their children – and it’s a mild one unless you’re living in it.

In high school, in return for their buying books and clothes for her, Melanie had to wait on them, go where they wanted, act like they wanted and date who they wanted.  In college, in return for a small but necessary contribution toward tuition, room, board and books, she had to come home when they wanted, do everything they wanted when she was there and, again, date who they wanted.  She also had to give them passwords to her phone, email and social networks.

Melanie always felt forced and bullied; she didn’t see any other way of going to school.  She could never get them to give without strings.

They seemed to enjoy lecturing, arguing and yelling at her.  They ignored any boundaries she tried to establish.

After she graduated, it was the same story only worse.  They’d help her get started but only if she listened to long lectures and jumped according to their time table.  Again, Melanie didn’t see any alternative.  In order to live the way she wanted, Melanie had to dance to their tune.  They held the purse strings.

Melanie resisted but finally saw the solution.  She gave up trying to reason with her parents in order to get them to help her without strings.  She gave up thinking she needed to get what she wanted immediately.  She gave up feeling needy and dependent.

She became determined to get what she wanted through her own efforts, even if that took a long time.

The result was that Melanie’s parents no longer had any hold over her.  Melanie was now in control of her own boundaries.  She no longer had to account for her tastes or actions.  She became independent of their manipulation and blackmail.  She freed herself from their strings.  She moved far away and created the life she’d always wanted.

Of course it wasn’t easy.  But it was clear, simple and straightforward.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies destroy codes of professional conduct

Effective teamwork stands on four legs - all are necessary.

• Tasks must be clearly defined.
  
• Roles, abilities and resources must be appropriate for achieving desired results.
  
• Good people must individually do their share and work together effectively to overcome style differences.
  
• Codes of professional conduct must be set high enough and must be defended.

Bullies destroy the third and fourth legs.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Bullies destroy codes of professional conduct

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/12/15/smallb4.html

While team leaders frequently violate standards by flagrant favoritism, nepotism and misuse of power, more frequently, I see teamwork breaking down when individual team members are allowed to continue violating team codes of professional conduct.

Caring and support do not mean catering to someone’s whims or to the most infantile or selfish behavior of any individual.  You can stretch yourself in order to help someone, but there is always a breaking point beyond which productivity suffers.  The most caring and supportive strategy is to inspire people and hold them accountable to live up to professional conduct and standards.

Whatever pious or soaring phrases are in mission statements and codes of conduct, the reality of organizational culture is clarified during an employee’s probationary period.  On-going, accurate and honest evaluation and feedback are necessary to defend that code.  Daily examples are needed in which a   new employee is held accountable for behavior and performance.  Managers must create precedents by documenting an employee’s willingness and ability to meet expectations.

Your work team is not a therapeutic environment and is usually not your family.  In a therapeutic environment or a family, maintenance of relationships may take precedence over tasks.  You may tolerate destructive behavior in order to maintain connection.

In your work team, however, tasks take precedence over relationship.  Camaraderie serves tasks; relationships may last 30 years or only until the task is done.

Senior managers, team leaders and individual team members each have 100% of the responsibility, authority and accountability for defending the code of conduct that protects them.  If this support to teamwork breaks, both relationships and productivity fall.

The best way to learn how to set high standards and retain your best people is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Maintain Standards to Retain the Best Employees

An effective strategy to find and keep the best employees at every level of your company requires that you avoid desperation and be clear about what you want, how to recognize these people and what it takes to make them and your company outstanding.  Don’t settle for harassment or bullying; for laziness or mediocrity.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Maintain Standards to Retain the Best Employees
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/02/16/smallb4.html

The most important factor for retaining the best employees is providing quality coworkers in a supportive atmosphere.

Know what you want and search until you find it.

• Seek work ethic and desire - drive, dedication, endurance and eagerness to succeed.
• Examine technical skills that fit the specific tasks.
• Select personal styles that fit and complement specific tasks and teams.
• Use probationary periods effectively.
• Demand the willingness to defend your culture - your standards, expectations and codes of conduct and communication.
• Keep workers who take personal responsibility for success.  Demand what’s required for success.  Provide what’s needed for success.  Reward success.  Replace employees who don’t produce success.

You can tolerate some initial mistakes from a dedicated person; don’t tolerate mistakes from a person who is lackadaisical.  Don’t give people a license to fail.  To keep the best people, give them personal rewards, surround them with competent coworkers and demand their best.

The best way to learn how to set high standards and retain your best people is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Supervise Adults When They Act Like Children

If employee conflict often makes you feel like an adult trying to manage difficult children, you’ve hit on the most effective approach for dealing with these behaviors - take charge and give these difficult adults consequences and incentives to grow up and develop adult strategies.

To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see:
How to Supervise Adults When They Act Like Children
http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2002/12/02/smallb3.html

We all recognize childhood behaviors like avoiding responsibility, empty promises and blaming; possessiveness, jealousy and constant controlling; forming catty cliques or swaggering gangs; attention seeking, disruption and resistance; insensitivity to the feelings of others; fear, dependence and helplessness; threatening to hurt themselves or embarrass us.  We also label types like spoiled princes and princesses; picture-perfect little professors; martyrs, pouters, sulkers; people-pleasers; petty tyrants.

Bullies (harassers and abusers), victims and rescuers try to force others into complementary roles in their triangle.  Don’t get sucked into this Bermuda triangle.

Don’t let temper tantrums - exploding in anger, withdrawing in hurt or giving a very loud “silent treatment” - control your team.  Train employees not to expect bribes or rewards to keep them from acting out in public.  While they’re in “time out”, continue decision-making and group process.

In adults, child-like behaviors are habitual reactions to hurt and fear - maintained by ignorance of more effective strategies.  Self-protection and personal agendas become more important than co-workers or productivity.

Some general guidelines and strategies

• Effective authority depends on your willingness to replace out-of-control employees.
  
• Don’t try to appease these employees; their desires are infinite and unquenchable.  Your job is not therapy; your job is maintaining goals, quotas, productivity and behavioral standards.
  
• Difficult employees hope to justify their outbursts by finding situations in which they’re wronged.  Separate the child-like behavioral patterns from the content of the situation and deal with both.
  
• Determine who responds to an encouraging coach or mentor and under what circumstances; who responds to a firm taskmaster; who you can reach one-to-one; who responds to public exposure.
  
• Notice which employees seem to push every boundary you set, thwart every approach you make and blame their problems on your communication style.

Ultimately, these employees are 100% responsible for themselves.  If they don’t grow-up rapidly, you can’t afford to waste your time.  You’re much more productive when you’re working with “A” and “B” students eager for success, not personal victories.

The best way to learn effective leadership skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Bullying, Abusive, Controlling Husbands - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop bullying, abusive, controlling husbands:
1. How to Stop Bullying, Abusive, Controlling Husbands
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZuR59ZGMfM

2. How Abusive Husbands Stimulate Self Bullying | Get Away From Your Bullying Husband
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJIGLA15Mqc

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Recognize and Resist the First Signs of Mutiny

We can resist enemies we can recognize and name.  We've made progress fighting identified inequities based on race, ethnic origin, religion, gender, etc.  The battles are far from over, but they have been joined and society's voice is clear

Recently, I've been coaching increasing numbers of leaders who have failed to recognize mutiny and, therefore, have not effectively defended themselves and their missions.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Recognize and Resist the First Signs of Mutiny
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/04/13/smallb6.html

These leaders are being told that

• Taking charge is morally reprehensible elitism.
• Setting high standards and quotas, requiring professionalism, holding people accountable and not accepting excuses is too threatening.
• A hierarchical structure and promotion based on merit is dictatorial.
• Seeking success is selfish, undemocratic and damaging to themselves and their families.

The leaders I've coached are intense, hard-working, demanding and focused on success; they're not arrogant or abusive.  But they are being told that there's something anti-social about their drive, standards and styles.

The primary purpose of leaders is not to be sweet; it's to get somewhere, to produce great results.  The primary function of leaders is alignment of their own effort and the efforts of others.

Recognize mutiny in people who do not accept your authority, goals and standards and criticize you when you judge performance, hold people accountable, insist on personal responsibility, and don’t accept excuses or forgive temper tantrums.  Recognize mutiny in people who use harassment, bullying and abuse.

These mutineers usually blame your style for their failure.  Style is not more important than results.  Results determine which style is appropriate.

If you're an employee told by other employees not to work so hard or produce so much, recognize that you're being lured into mutiny against your company and yourself.

If you're an employee with leadership drive and capability, don't stay where you're brutalized.  Go where your talents are appreciated and you can flourish.

Leaders must be fanatics, demanding tremendous energy and effort, and rewarding go-getters. Leading is a great act of courage and daring.  Don't let the enemies of that creative fire get away with mutiny.

The best way to overcome your hesitation and to learn effective leadership skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Being Bullied by Life: Zach Sobiech

Life can give us hard times and bad deals, including some that aren’t caused by our stupidity, ignorance or narcissism.  But we can’t let ourselves be bullied by life or self-bullied by our mind’s fears, weakness or poor thinking.  We mustn’t give up.

I saw a video on and with Zach Sobiech and his family.  Zach was diagnosed with cancer as a young teenager and finally died as a high school senior.  In addition to his real, “reality show,” there’s also a video of a wonderful song he wrote and performed, “Clouds.”

There’s nothing we can say to him or his family or his girl-friend or his friends that will make his dying okay.

We can see in the video how important it is:

1. For us to live each day with as much zest and passion as possible in the face of impending death.
2. That we don’t wait until death seems imminent in order to start living right now.
3. That we don’t give in to any internal or external voices encouraging us to get depressed or commit suicide.

I heard discouraging voices say, “But his family got discouraged and fell apart and cried off camera.”  And I say, “So what?”  They don’t have to never suffer.  Suffering is only suffering.  Tears are only tears.  We feel deeply and we still do what is needful.  Suffering doesn’t get in the way.

Our culture is full of examples of people who didn’t give up; who fought on against the vicissitudes of life and of some who even succeeded in creating wonderful lives after their times of torment and torture.  Ayan Hirsi Ali, Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi, and Tevya Bielski spring to my mind.  There are thousands of others.  We also have those not-famous ones in our heritage – our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual heritage.  Among many; my maternal grandmother whose oldest child was killed by a drunk driver.

Alan Bucknam of Notchcode Creative Services posted this quote on his Facebook page:
Maya Angelou's advice to her daughters: "I would say you might encounter many defeats but you must never be defeated, ever.  In fact, it might even be necessary to confront defeat.  It might be necessary, to get over it, all the way through it, and go on.  I would teach her to laugh a lot.  Laugh a lot at the — at the silliest things and be very, very serious.  I’d teach her to love life, I can bet you that."

Another favorite of mine: the sign on the Bridge to Terabithia, “Nothing Crushes Us!”

In addition to standing up to those little voices most of us have, we must educate our children and grandchildren to the ways of the real world and the need for them to have undaunted spirits; to be invulnerable.

Instead of giving your kids lies, give your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take the tragedies of life to heart, so they don’t feel helpless and hopeless.

The best way to stop self-bullying or being beaten down by life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

You Don’t Have to Bully to Evaluate Honestly

Effective supervisors know that the life-blood of any company is feedback and criticism.  While both can lead to corrective action and termination, the idea is to improve attitude and performance.

You don’t have to be arrogant or a tyrant or bully to be effective.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
You Don’t Have to Bully to Evaluate Honestly
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/05/18/smallb4.html

Although some supervisors want to improve their skills and update their approach to fit new coaching and team-work paradigms, too many hesitate, thus encouraging destructive situations.  The bottom line: your team needs performance and your job is to guide the current employee or make room for someone new to produce what you need.

Feedback, even reprimand, is kinder than avoidance.  Evaluating is, in itself, success.

Magical thinking - hoping people will straighten out by themselves - doesn’t work and leaves you knowing that you’re afraid to do your job.

Generally the nicest, kindest and most caring act you, as a supervisor, can make is to provide feedback that gives employees a chance to improve in the areas where they, and you, will be judged.  Everyone needs to know the rules of the game.

Establish an environment of open give-and-take.

• Review often.  Give feedback rapidly, accurately, specifically, tactfully, firmly, legally and considerately.
• Take care of your own mental and emotional state and prepare your agenda in writing ahead of time.
• Don’t be off-handed.  Don’t be personal, sarcastic or manipulative.  Focus on behavior, not on name-calling or hallucinations about intentions.
• Begin the evaluation by listing goals accomplished, progress made, special commendations.  Give clear, specific examples of what you think happened and what’s not acceptable.
• Deal with things one at a time.  Distinguish excuses and justifications from analysis of processes that can be improved.

Ultimately, you know you must bite the bullet and honestly evaluate performance.  You’re not supposed to let things slide or make yourself a martyr by doing an employee’s job as well as your own or stab employees in the back by not evaluating them honestly.

The sooner you supervise effectively, the better the chances for success and the better you’ll feel.  That’s especially important for employees on probation where “an ounce of prevention will be worth pounds of flesh’ later.  You don’t have to be arrogant or a tyrant or bully to be effective.

The best way to overcome your hesitation and to learn effective evaluation skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Bullies: New blog set-up

Notice the new look of this blog on how to stop bullies and bullying in relationships, at school and at work.  We’ve incorporated the blog in the website and both have been transferred to Square Space.  Thanks to Alan Bucknam of Notchcode Creative for resigning the site and incorporating the blog into it.  Great job.

Of course, it’ll take a little time for me to work out any bugs in the shopping cart.  But you’ll get the same great information and advice on how to stop bullies, harassment and abuse.

You should also be able to sign up for my free, electronic newsletter, make comments, find my new posts on Facebook and Twitter, and make your own posts on social media.

What’s the price for putting up with bullies?  Slow erosion of your soul.

The best way to stop bullies in their tracks is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.