How to Stop Terminally Resistant Bullies at Work

 Most of you spent 95% of your people-problem time working with 5% of your employees - the “Terminally Resistant” bullies who will not meet the standards no matter what you do to help them.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
How to Stop Terminally Resistant Bullies at Work
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1999/02/15/smallb5.html

We’re not talking about employees who will respond to encouragement and exhortation, rewards and consequences, or people who are difficult to supervise but who will make progress when you’re clear, not-personal and specify measurable steps and timelines in your feedback.  We’re not even talking about boundary pushers who waste your time and energy keeping your guard up but who may eventually perform.

We are talking about the people who will fight to the death to have control of making and interpreting the rules.  They won’t accept any other authority in their little ponds; they demand unconditional support and subservience from everyone.

You recognize them – these bullies have black belts in resistance and will block every move you make.

• They’re the righteous guardians of how things “should” be and you’re “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
• When you don’t do it their way, no matter how small your mistake, they feel justified in retaliating, harassing or bullying you in any way they want because, “You deserve it and it serves you right.”
• They insist that their difficulties are always acceptable excuses for their lack of performance.
• It’s your fault because you hurt their feelings (your feelings don’t count).  Therefore, you have all the responsibility to apologize and make things acceptable to them - according to their rules.
  You have to make it perfect for them before you can hold them accountable – and you can never be perfect enough.
• They are never satisfied.  They expect every favor even if they didn’t do the work to make them deserving.

These narcissistic, abusive bullies will not change in your work-lifetime.
Like infected splinters, the only way to deal with these terminally resistant bullies is to remove them.  Follow the law and company codes – demand professional behavior, professional communication and high standards of performance.

Unfortunately you may not have the authority to remove a terminally resistant employee.  You may have one for a coworker or supervisor or you may work for an organization which has a culture that puts compassion for the bully before compassion for all those who must deal with him/her or before the necessary performance standards.

If your company harbors a Human Resources Department that always blames managers, never employees, for employee dissatisfaction, you may have to get HR to supervise the resistant employee.

It’s a matter of conscience about trying to off-load the resistant employee to another unsuspecting supervisor (which is often how you got that person to begin with) or to a supervisor who loves these challenges.

If you have no authority, common strategies are to protect yourself, wait it out, look for a “smoking gun”, risk bringing it up with higher authorities or transfer within the company.

If no higher authority cares or the company rewards whistle blowers with ostracism or firing, find another company.  Why leave yourself exposed to a source of infection that will ultimately poison your environment and your life?

The best way to stop terminally resistant, controlling, bullying employees and managers who destroy teamwork and productivity is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Controlling, Abusive Husbands who Stimulate Your Self-Bullying

Sneaky, controlling, bullying husbands stimulate their wives’ self-bullying.  Stop self-bullying before you become stuck and helpless or you’ll never leave.

By the way, the tactics are also used by toxic parents, toxic adult children and bullying teenagers who manipulate their targets through blame, shame and guilt.

People who bully themselves have internal voices that put them down.  You know, those negative, critical, little voices that:

1. Tell you that you’re wrong; it’s your fault; you must try harder.
2. Tell you that you don’t deserve any better and you’ll never find any better.
3. Try to motivate you to become a better person by rubbing your nose in all your mistakes and failures.
4. Stimulate self-doubt and self-questioning, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
5. Destroy confidence and self-esteem, and stimulate depression and suicidal thoughts.

When people bully themselves with these thought patterns they hesitate and become helpless; they stay stuck because they think it’s wrong to leave or because they’re afraid to leave; they won’t stand up to sneaky bullying, controlling husbands.

Remember the seven warning signs of controlling, bullying husbands are:

1. They think they know best about everything; just ask them.
2. They think they’re more important than their spouses are.
3. They think their sense of humor is correct.  They can say whatever they want and their wives are supposed to take it.
4. Everyone is a pawn in today’s game to put them one-up or to make them feel better.
5. They think their excuses, excuse them.
6. Their logic, reasoning and rules, rule.
7. They think they don’t have anything to learn.

In order to control their spouses, bullying husbands try to stimulate and reinforce their wives’ old, self-bullying tapes.  Bullying spouses are relentlessly critical, negative and demanding.  They use logic and reasoning to destroy their wives’ self-esteem and to reinforce their wives’ shame and guilt.  Abusive, critical, bullying husbands are never pleased; nothing their wives do is ever good enough.  They know best and they’re right and righteous.  Their spouses are bad, wrong and deficient.

You can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change bullying husbands.  You’re not the rescuer or therapist to solve their psychological problems.  They’re simply bullying, controlling abusive spouses.

Now, stop torturing yourself with negativity, criticism and verbal abuse.  Stop predicting failure and a dark future without the bully.  That internal negativity is just an old motivation strategy gone wrong by going to far and too relentlessly.

You can learn to harness that internal voice so it can motivate you to feel your best and do your best.  Then you’ll have the courage, confidence and strength to stand up effectively to your bullying, controlling husband.

Don’t debate or argue with them.  Don’t wait for them to agree or to give you permission.  Don’t wait for them to empower you.

Take power over yourself; whether they like it or not.  Convert that old, critical, self-bullying voice into a motivating coach.

Then you can plan in secret if you have to.  Dump them or get away as fast as you can.

There’s a wonderful quote from an Indian poet, Nobel Prize winner, Rabindranath Tagore, “Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.”  That means not only in your personal space – around you, in your car and your home and at work – but especially in your head.

Relentless bullies – abusive, controlling spouses, as well as toxic parents, toxic adult children and bullying teenagers – are predators who go after the weak, the isolated and those who don’t resist.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

What’s the price of tolerating with bullying?  Slow erosion of your soul!

The best way to stop controlling, bullying husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Bullying and other Surefire Methods for Undermining Teamwork

Some managers, even experienced ones, have mastered methods that destroy teamwork.  They may think they’re doing what they’re supposed to or what worked to get them promoted, so they’re surprised when the effects are disastrous.

Are you practicing these techniques?

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Stop Bullying and other Surefire Methods for Undermining Teamwork http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1999/04/19/smallb5.html

Bullying and other Surefire Methods for Undermining Teamwork,

1. Be concerned most with your power and prestige.  Take credit for all successes, regularly sabotage or throw your people to the wolves.  Insist on flattery, play favorites and replace the “Golden Boy/Girl” often.
2. Practice bullying.  Expect failure, be demanding, disappointed, defensive and difficult, take everything personally, make personal attacks, throw tantrums, never apologize or do so only with cheap treats.
3. Create chaos.  Be moody, changeable, indecisive, unfair, make decisions for no apparent reason, give contradictory orders, change priorities often but don’t tell anyone.  Withhold approval, scatter employees’ efforts, assign tasks that emphasize their dislikes and weaknesses.
4. Keep employees in the dark.  Have everything go through you, expect people to read your mind, tell each worker a different story, don’t define appropriate responsibility, authority and accountability procedures, assign responsibility without authority or resources.
5. Create suspicion, distrust and fear.  Encourage employees to disparage each other and their superiors, broadcast their comments, run them down behind their backs, complain about them to your superiors, reveal confidential material, stimulate gossip, make some up yourself, focus on personal attacks not problem-solving.  Be negative.  Reward passive-aggressive behavior.
6. Lower standards.  Assume all employees are incompetent, micromanage, pay attention only to unimportant details, reward non-productive employees first, overload your most productive people.
7. Waste employees’ time.  Tell rambling personal stories just before deadlines, harangue about religion and politics, invent busy work, emphasize cover-your-butt activities.
8. Be cold, indifferent and ignore feelings.  Demand “professionalism” but never say, “Please” or “Thank you.”
9. Be unavailable.  Don’t listen to suggestions or complaints.  Use meeting time for personal calls or grooming.
10. Be a martyr.  Never delegate, do everything yourself, blame employees for not volunteering or appreciating you.
11. Don’t praise.  Always find fault with something, focus on what’s undone or not perfect, thwart efforts to do a good job, ridicule training, block advancement.
12. Put stockholders before customers or employees.  Be greedy, loot company assets.

You’re being successful when morale and productivity plummet, and stress, anger, fights, pilfering, absenteeism, personal and sick leave and turnover increase. Enjoy!

The best way to stop controlling, bullying employees and managers who destroy teamwork and productivity is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Controlling, Abusive Husbands

Overt bullies are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.

Sneaky, bullying, controlling husbands are harder to recognize.  If we don’t recognize their tactics and label them as bullies, we won’t energize ourselves to develop and carry out an effective plan to stop them.

Seven warning signs of bullying spouses are:

1. They think they know best about everything; just ask them.  They point out all your mistakes and failings.  They think you should ask their permission before you do anything.  They make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say.  Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying.  You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom; eventually you give in to them.
2. They think they’re more important than you are.  Your life should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).  Their desires, jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) should be the focus of all interactions.  They’re entitled to get what they want.  Their feelings get hurt so easily that you’re too polite or too afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter.  They’re controlling, bullying spouses.
3. They think their sense of humor is correct.  They can say whatever they want and you’re supposed to take it.  Some put you down in public; others only in private so outside people will think they’re so sweet.  They make nasty, vicious, demeaning, hurtful remarks or they tell embarrassing secrets.  Then they laugh like it’s a joke.  If you object, they say you’re too sensitive or they were kidding.  Your feelings are stupid and not logical.  And you better not say anything they don’t like.
4. Everyone is a pawn in their game.  You have value only as long as you can help them or you worship them.  They’re selfish, arrogant and demanding husbands; they think they should be waited on.  Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in their way becomes an enemy.  You’re afraid that if you disagree, they’ll strike back at you.
5. They think their excuses, excuse them.  Their reasons are always correct.  Their feelings are their justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge.  If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil.  Self-deluded, narcissistic spouses think their jealousy, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics.
6. Their logic, reasoning and rules, rule.  They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take what they want, to attack or to strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules.  If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem.  They’re right and righteous.  Everything is your fault.  They’re great debaters or they simply talk so loud and long that eventually you give in.
7. They think they don’t have anything to learn.  They insist on doing things their way, even though they fail repeatedly.  They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.

Also, anyone who bullies helpless people – like clerks and waiters – will eventually get around to bullying you.  Get rid of them on the first date.

You can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change them.  You’re not the rescuer or therapist to solve their psychological problems.  They’re bullying, controlling abusive spouses.

Don’t debate or argue with them.  Don’t wait for them to agree or to give you permission.  Don’t wait for them to empower you.  Take power; whether they like it or not.  Plan in secret if you have to.  Dump them or get away as fast as you can.

Ignore your self-bullying – that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the bullying husband might be right.  If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.

Relentless bullies – abusive, controlling spouses – are predators who go after the weak, the isolated and those who don’t resist.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

The best way to stop controlling, bullying husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Harassment, Abuse and Bullying in the Workplace: Winning Work-Wars

Sometimes, you make or find yourself in a war at work.

When it’s against a competitor it’s usually easy to see what you need to do - gather your forces, and fight to win.

But when it’s against someone in your organization, many people don’t recognize that it’s a battle to the death and they don’t rally themselves appropriately.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
How to Stop Harassment, Abuse and Bullying in the Workplace: Winning Work-Wars
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1999/12/13/smallb5.html

Internal work-wars are waged in many situations:

• Someone hates you even though you didn’t do anything to them; someone wants turf or power over you.
• Supervisors, teams or coworkers persecute a designated scapegoat.
• Two people competing for only one position; someone intending to claw their way to the top over your corpse.
• Partners separating; hostile transfers or takeovers; supervisors or companies wanting power or rid of you.
• Family businesses destroyed by family feuds.

You know it’s war when you’ve tried every win/win approach you can think of but the other person thinks it’s still your fault and the only option you’re offered is unconditional surrender.

Of course, battles to stop bullies are not confined to the workplace.  The same types of wars happen between couples, between siblings or in extended families, or among friends or neighbors.

Some clues that you’re fighting for your life:

• Negativity, harassment and bullying are directed at you; rumors and lies are spread behind your back.
• Promises are made but later denied; important memos or files disappear.
• A new employee or supervisor criticizes you no matter what you do; the other person is willing to destroy everything just to avoid giving you anything (as in the movie, “The War of the Roses”).
• You have to do all the appeasing or changing because the others are so stubborn and difficult that no one expects them to give anything.

Your choices.

• Wish it would go away; continue to plead for a win/win solution; moan and complain endlessly (after all, it really is not fair); obsess on why it’s happening to you or on the injustices of capitalism.
• Throw fits, threaten violence.
• Run away.
• Fight a tactical and successful war.

Usually, the only productive pathways are leaving under the best terms you can or fighting to win.

Rules for fighting and winning these work-wars (see the original article for details):

1. Get it.  The sooner you recognize your situation, the sooner you can mobilize yourself effectively.  The longer you live in illusions driven by hopes, fears and unrealistic beliefs – if you’re nice enough people will like you and be fair to you and help you - the more mistakes you’ll make, the more you’ll give away, the weaker you’ll make your position.
2. If you lose your head, you’ll lose your head.  If you throw fits, threaten violence or start reacting without an effective plan, you’ll sabotage yourself.
3. Victory often goes to the most determined and disciplined.
4. Get the best armor and weapons.
5. Know thy enemy.
6. Divide and conquer.
7. Finish the war – no truces.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement an anti-bullying plan that fits the situation at work.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Tech-Deficient Parents Can Help

Do you need to be tech savvy in order to protect your kid from cyberbullying and harassment from kids at school?

Many parents think that the major threats to their kids are adult predators who stalk them online.  Those abusive adults are real threats and you can learn how to protect your kids even if you’re not tech savvy.

But adult predators are not the cyberbullies that most kids will encounter.  Your kids are in more danger of harassment, intimidation, abuse and cyberbullying by kids they know at school through their phones and on online social network sites.

Fortunately you do not need to be tech savvy to protect your kids.  With coaching:

1. You can learn how to give your children the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart and don’t become victims of cyberbullying-caused depression or suicide.
2. You can learn what to do to prevent trouble before it starts.  Learn what your kids need to know beyond porno sites, phishers, spammers, sexting and giving away personal information online.
3. You can learn what your children are doing online and on their phones.  Learn how to protect your children from cyberbullying that occurs on social networks and especially on cell phones.
4. You can learn how to respond rapidly and effectively after your children are attacked, including when and how to get the police involved.
5. You can learn what you can do to make sure school officials protect your children – even if they don’t want to take action.

Cyberbullying is beyond school and social network “drama.”  Cyberbullying may be a criminal offense.  If you allow your kids to become victims, cyberbullying can have terrible effects.

Your children may be targets.  Don’t let them become victims.  If you don’t stand up to cyberbullies, they’ll think your kid is easy prey; they’ll just harass and abuse your kid more.

Post #32 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Parenting Bully-Proof Kids
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/12/01/parenting-bully-proof-kids-stop-school-bullies-in-their-tracks/

Let’s focus on step one: Giving your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart and don’t become victims of cyberbullying-caused depression or suicide.

You don’t have to be tech savvy to help your kid be strong enough to stand up to jerks and nasty kids at school.  You lived through your own self-doubt and hesitation when you were young so you know what it takes.

Learn to keep a flame burning in your kid’s heart.  Teach your children to be strong mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Remember the sign in the movie, “The Bridge to Terabithia,”  “Nothing Crushes Us!”
You and your children need to be that strong, courageous and determined.  Also, learn the skills necessary to be successful.

You know how school bullying was stopped when you were a kid.  Technology has changed but the kids haven’t.  You know what didn’t stop school bullies:

Minimizing, avoiding, or ignoring bullying

Begging, bribing or appeasing committed bullies

Accepting apologies, excuses, justifications and promises ... repeatedly

Giving in to fear, intimidation or blackmail
Convince yourself that the problem is too difficult to solve

Don’t wait for school administrators or cyber-bullies to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, abuse and cyberbullying.

BulliesBeGoneBlog Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/

The best way to stop cyberbullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

Teach your kids to protect themselves, just like they would if they were growing up in the wilderness where there are predators who would eat them.

Protect your kids from school administrators who won’t defend targets and who may even encourage or collude with cyberbullying kids and their bullying parents.

Post #8 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies book reviewed in Denver Business Journal
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal/

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me at 1-877-8Bullies to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

BulliesBeGone Books and CDs
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htm

Be an Electromagnetic Leader: Repel Bullies and Slackers, Attract Great Performers

I use the image of an electromagnet to describe the best leaders in the workplace.  What are the properties of an electromagnet?

1. The more energy we put into it, the stronger the magnetic field to align al the other electromagnets.
2. Like all magnets, some other electromagnets will be repelled – people with low attitudes (bullies, whiners, narcissists) and/or poor productivity (slackers).
3. Like all magnets, some other electromagnets will be attracted – great people (go-getters with high energy, wonderful attitudes and high productivity).

Now, what does that mean and how to put it into effect?

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Be an Electromagnetic Leader: Repel Bullies and Slackers, Attract Great Performers http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2000/01/17/smallb5.html

“Electromagnetic Leadership” rallies, aligns and focuses your own energy and the efforts of all the people around you

Why “Electromagnetic?”  We’re all like electromagnets, creating our own directions and responding to the magnetic fields of those around us.  The more electricity we put into an electromagnet, the stronger the magnetic field.  The stronger the magnetic field, the stronger the force that attracts and aligns, or repels (where appropriate).

Can you be that powerful?  Yes.  It’s a combination of your passion, dedication and drive; your insistence that everything, from top to bottom, be done up to your standards; the power of your vision, mission and commitment.

You don’t have to be loud, arrogant or pushy in order to have a powerful effect.  You do have to be determined, persevering, resilient and flexible.

Your culture – your standards, methods and systems – is a result of your energy; of what behavior you require.
The more powerful the electromagnetic field you create, the more the other leaders, managers and employees must become enthusiastically aligned and unswervingly committed, or else leave.

That means you must enforce and reinforce your standards of productivity and professional behavior.  Stop harassment, abuse and bullying at work.  Stop negativity, entitlements and backstabbing at work.  Success comes before personal agendas.  Require teamwork and productivity in the service of the customer and profits.

Rules and procedures are important but they’re secondary to tasks done correctly and successfully.

Systems, processes and pious phrases don’t make companies great; they’re just words on paper or wall-plaques.  They have no life or power on their own.  Even the best “Way” is neither self-perpetuating nor self-replicating.

The success of your “Way” is created by the energy of individual leaders, at all levels, who reinforce your magnetic field through organization, tools and effort.  Their determination is required to stop negativity, harassment and bullying.  Their determination is necessary to promote productivity.

If you lose these individual organizing centers or they become disoriented, your enterprise will lose alignment and soon fall apart.

Finding your "magnetic north" is only the first step.  The second step is being an electromagnetic leader.  The more your juice, the greater will be the resulting magnetism.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement an anti-bullying plan that fits the situation at work.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Signs Your Kid is being Harassed

Parents need to learn to recognize the signs that our kids might be the target of cyberbullying and harassment, and how to get the information you need, even if our kids are reluctant to talk.

Observe each child individually and compare with how he/she was before.  Seven signs your kids are harassed, abused or cyberbullied are:

1. Have they stopped checking their phones?  Do they forget or break or lose their phones?  Do they get upset, depressed or angry when they look at their phones?
2. Have their grades slipped?  Have they become reluctant to go to school?  Do they want to transfer schools?
   
3. Have they stopped after-school activities?  Do they want you to pick them up after school?
   
4. Have they stopped talking about school?  Do they say that kids are jerks?  Do they ask about kids ganging up on other kids?
   
5. Have they become emotionally labile – very sensitive, easily upset, moody, grumpy, cry a lot? Have they given up? Do they talk about how hopeless or pointless life is or do they seem depressed or do they talk about suicide?
   
6. Do they isolate themselves – no longer follow social networks, hide in their rooms after school, stop using the computer?  Have they stopped taking care of their personal stuff or how they look?  Do they say that former friends aren’t friends any more?
   
7. Have they stopped eating?  Do they have trouble sleeping or have nightmares?

After you think you’ve seen signs that your kid might be subjected to cyberbullying, harassment or abuse at school, the next step in stopping cyberbullying is to get the information you need, even if your kid is reluctant to talk.

You must be willing to pry and be persistent, no matter how reluctant your child is to talk.

Five questions you can ask are:

1. What’s happening?
   
2. Tell me about cyberbullying, harassment and abuse at school?
   
3. How do the teachers, principal, bus drivers and cafeteria staff protect kids in your school from cyberbullies or drama?
   
4. What happens in your school’s anti-cyberbullying program?
   
5. How do you and your friends stand up to cyberbullies when you see other kids being ganged up on through their computers or phones?

Don’t be a tyrant or inquisitor, but do keep asking.

If you suspect your kid is being subjected to cyberbullying, you can also get information by:

1. Checking your kid’s texts and messages.
   
2. Looking at your kid’s social network pages or what’s being said about them.
   
3. Asking the parents of your kid’s friends.
   
4. Asking teachers, counselors, principal, school district administrators and school board members about cyberbullying and harassment.

Cyberbullying is beyond school and social network “drama.”  It can have terrible effects on kids and it may be a criminal offense.

Consult a specialist lawyer and your police department.  Do they have a special unit dedicated to stopping cybercrimes?  Have representatives spoken at school?

Learn how to make reluctant school administrators take action, even if they say that cyberbullying has been off-campus.

Cyberbullies at school are haters and emotional manipulators.  They try to make your kid feel helpless and hopeless.  They isolate him.

Your kid can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change these school cyberbullies.  She’s not the rescuer or therapist to solve their psychological problems.  She shouldn’t debate or argue with them, but also shouldn’t ignore them.

If we don’t stop cyberbullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey; they’ll just go after us more.

Your kid may be a target, but he doesn’t have to be a victim.  Fight back.

Parents must learn how to:

• Teach your kids to protect themselves, just like they would if they were growing up in the wilderness where there are predators who would eat them.
• Protect your kids from school administrators who won’t defend targets and who may even encourage or collude with cyberbullying kids and their bullying parents.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me at 1-877-8Bullies to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to Stop School Bullying: Recognize Sneaky School Bullies

Stopping school bullying that is overt – physical violence or threats; nasty verbal and emotional intimidation in public – is relatively easy because the bullying is in public.  There will be witnesses and our kids might be able to get evidence, including recordings on their smart phones. How to stop school bullying that is covert – sneaky, manipulative, backstabbing, cutting out, putting down, embarrassing, demeaning – is usually more difficult.

The first step in how to stop school bullies is to recognize their tactics as bullying so you can gather your courage, strength and skill to protect yourself.

Part of good parenting means that we teach our children the seven early warning signs of stealthy, critical, righteous, controlling bullies at school.

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what your kid can do, where she can go, who she can be friends with.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold friendship if your kid doesn’t do exactly what they want.  Your kid must never disagree or keep them waiting.
3. Their standards rule.  Your kid’s "no" isn't accepted as "no." The controlling bully is always right and your kid is always wrong.  The stealth bully never apologizes.  She always has excuses and justifications.  The sneaky bully’s sense of humor is right so she doesn’t think she’s harassing, abusing or bullying your kid.  Your kid is merely too sensitive. Your kid’s issues generally don't get dealt with.  The stealth bully’s concerns are more important so they can ignore your kid’s wishes.
4. They control your kid with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt.  No matter what your kid does; she’s wrong or not good enough.  Or they control your kid with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to cut off the friendship and be hurt and retaliate forever.  The bully will spread lies and rumors and ruin your kid’s reputation.
5. Your kid is afraid she'll trigger a violent rage or an everlasting vendetta at school.  She walks on eggshells.  The controlling bully intimidates her with words and weapons.  The stealth bully threatens her and her favorite things.  Your kid is told that she’s to blame if the stealth bully is angry.  Your kid feels emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.  She’s afraid of the ongoing control and bullying at school.
6. Your kid’s told she’s ugly, poorly dressed, incompetent, and helpless and she wouldn’t have other friends without the stealth bully to guide her.
7. They isolate your kid.  She’s not allowed to see other friends or tell you what’s going on.

Post #353 – BulliesBeGoneBlog How to Stop School Bullying: Getting Information

How can stealth bullies cause more damage than overt bullies at school?

1. Because kids don’t recognize and label these manipulators as bullies, kids don’t resist them.
2. The manipulated kids take on the blame and feel guilty.  They think it’s their fault.  They must have done something wrong since the stealth bully is angry.
3. They try to please the stealth bully.  They try to be perfect according to the bully.
4. They lose a sense of themselves and they become helpless and powerless.
5. Later in life, they’ll easily fall under the spell of controlling, abusive spouses and bosses.  They’ll accept the abuse because they’ll think it’s their fault.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Create a workplace with no harassment, abuse or bullying

Sometimes, we have trouble deciding what strategy to use to increase our chances of a culture with no harassment, abuse or bullying so great people want to work, produce and get ahead - a culture of high attitudes and outstanding productivity. We know we can’t stand pat but still we hesitate.  We don’t want to waste our time or take foolish risks and, in the real world, there’s no way of getting all our ducks in a row.  Learning by trial and error sounds too brainless and fraught with danger.

There is another alternative – “The Systematic Method of Successive Approximations”.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Create a workplace with no harassment, abuse or bullying http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2000/04/17/smallb4.html

Sounds formidable and daunting, but it’s not.  You may not have used the method yet to stop bullying at work, but you’ve already used and mastered it while learning the most difficult things you’ll ever learn - walking, running, talking, driving and even driving while listening to a motivational tape and eating and talking on your phone and obsessing on something life-threatening or totally useless, all at the same time while getting to your destination safely.

There is no “One-Right” action plan, but we all used the same basic 12-step strategy to learn to walk.  It will also work to stop bullying at work.

1. You knew what you wanted and needed.
2. Action counted.
3. There was no guarantee of success and you never even asked about one.
4. Pain didn’t stop you for long.
5. Fear didn’t stop you for long.
6. Ignorance didn’t stop you for long.
7. Embarrassment didn’t stop you; the opinions of negative, critical bullies didn’t stop you.
8. You imitated successful people and you “faked it” – you became an experimenter at work.
9. Questions or concerns about self-confidence, self-esteem and self-image didn’t matter.  You didn’t pay attention to self-doubt, self-bullying or negative internal voices.
10. You put yourself in favorable situations with your “antennae” out to increase your chances of success.  You ignored negativity, harassment and bullying.
11. Some people learned faster than others did but we all succeeded eventually.
12. The desired gains outweighed the necessary losses that always come with taking charge of your life.

Live life the way you learned how to walk.  It may seem difficult in your situation to bring all your desire, need, energy, focus, intelligence and experience to bear on making major changes but it’s the only way.  You’re not too young, too old, too dumb, too clumsy.  The world is not changing too rapidly.  Don’t listen to negativity and bullies.  Learn to walk or you’ll get stepped on.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement an anti-bullying plan that fits the situation at work.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Bullies at Work: Ten Tips to Recognize Them

“How can just one person create such deep wounds that it’s taken us five months to heal a workplace,” I was asked.  Many people have trouble admitting that someone can be the correct answer to, “How many negative, abusive, bullies does it take to destroy everyone’s productivity” or “How many rotten apples does it take to spoil a whole barrel” or “How many overlooked cancer cells does it take to start a fatal tumor?” To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: How to Stop Bullies at Work: Ten Tips to Recognize Them

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2000/05/15/smallb5.html

Notice that when you nod your head in recognition of the “bad apples” you’ve known, we’re both denying many people’s fundamental assumptions that everyone is good and reasonable underneath; we can rehabilitate everyone; we’re supposed to care enough to keep trying and not remove them from work until we’re absolutely, objectively certain that they’re relentless, permanent bullies and we should give up.

Instead, we’re accepting that bullying and bad attitudes will spread and destroy the whole workplace.

I’m talking about the few employees (and bosses) who haven’t learned by the time they’re adults and who won’t be rehabilitated in the time and effort your team or organization can afford at work.  The pain and harm caused by those “bad apples” is the price you pay for ignoring the early warning signs and giving them too much time and too many chances

Top ten early warning signs of bullying, “bad apples” are:

1. They’re utterly convinced that they’re absolutely right about anything they think is important; their opinions, attitudes, interpretations, excuses, justifications, agendas are right; they can do exactly what they want at work because they’re absolutely right; problems are never their fault.
2. They’re totally focused on themselves; clueless and uncaring about what most of us consider appropriate, professional behavior and how other people will feel in response to their bullying.
3. They leave bossy, demanding, abusive notes insisting that what they want gets done, with no consideration for the other person’s schedules or deadlines.  They think their notes are polite.
4. They’re also oblivious to how the other person reacted to what they said, what the other person wanted and why, what the other person thought of them. Or they're hypersensitive, over-reactive bullies.
5. They don’t acknowledge the pain they cause and they defend themselves and their favorites ferociously.
6. They’re perfectionists; always negative and complaining; seeing things in right-or-wrong; making “to-do” lists with over 300 items. They feel victimized and eagerly blame others or “the system” at work.
7. They obsessively track or blow up little things, lose sight of what’s important; ignore what everyone else is upset about.
8. To flatter themselves, they only get the part of a message they agree with. Or in order to feel righteously indignant, they hear only the part of a message that will infuriate them.
9. They kiss up to those above and step on those below them.
10. They’re skilled at harassing, abusing and isolating people at work, organizing cliques to make war on their enemies, or finding scapegoats to direct the attention away from them.

They’re the 10% of the people you waste 90% of your time on.  If you think you’re the only one having these problems with them, check around and you’ll find that almost everyone else at work is also.  They spread their bullying around.

The problem is chronic; they don’t get it, they don’t change.  You’ll know you were right to remove them when everyone starts breathing deeply, smiling and walking uprightly again.  Act swiftly to protect yourself and the rest of your workplace.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement an anti-bullying plan that fits the situation at work.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop School Bullying: Getting Information

After you think you’ve seen signs that your kid might be bullied, the next step in stopping harassment and bullying at school is to get the information you need, even if your kid is reluctant to talk. You’ve observed each child individually and compared with how he/she was before.  How to stop school bullying begins with your willingness to pry, no matter how reluctant your child is to talk.

Five questions you can ask are:

1. What’s happening?
2. Tell me about the school bullies?
3. How do the teachers, principal, bus drivers and cafeteria staff protect kids in your school from bullies?
4. What happens in your school’s anti-bullying program?
5. How do you and your friends stand up to bullies when you see other kids being teased, taunted or bullied?

Don’t be a tyrant or inquisitor, but do keep asking.

If you suspect your kid is being bullied, you can also get information by:

1. Asking the parents of your kid’s friends.
2. Talking to the teachers, counselors, principal, school district administrators and school board members, if you have to.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Conflict-Avoidant Managers Don't Know How to Stop Bullying

If you have a consistent pattern of avoiding evaluations, criticism, and potential conflict at work; if you hope that problems will solve themselves if left alone; if you think that the best way to motivate all employees is to give constant praise and more benefits; if you won’t say, clearly and honestly, “That’s not good enough,” then you can’t be an effective manager. You’ll create a hostile workplace; you’ll never stop bullies and bullying.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Conflict Avoidant Managers Don't Know How to Stop Bullying http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2000/08/14/smallb4.html

“Conflict avoidant” or “conflict phobic” managers get less peace and more trouble than they hope for.  When you give up authority, standards and accountability you only make space for harassment, bullying and abuse at work to grow larger.  Professional behavior and productivity decrease, decent employees act out, pathological harassment and bullies (never satisfied by appeasement) take over and the best employees bail.

Two examples:

1. A manager who hated confrontation and conflict supervised a team for 15 years with no performance evaluations for professional staff, all discussions done individually behind closed doors, no public disagreements allowed and all major decisions made by consensus.

The results were inevitable: crucial plans were rarely implemented; two door-slamming, senior staff took control because other employees were afraid to protest; warring cliques formed; negativity, rumors, blame, abuse and scapegoating ran rampant; bullying escalated; turnover of both professional and support staff soared.

1. Another organization that prided itself on being caring and people-centered had not released an employee in 10 years. One employee, Rebecca, was brilliant and entertaining but was a mediocre performer who spent most of her time chatting with unproductive cronies. Her supervisor had never documented her poor performance and excessive socializing. In contrast, Grace had worked there only 6 months but had done a productive job that could have been well documented.

The supervisor preferred Grace and wanted Rebecca to leave. But, of course, Rebecca and her cronies used bullying tactics to stay and to force Grace to leave.  Why should a good producer work with managers and staff who accept dishonesty, slacking and mediocrity?

A consistent pattern of conflict avoidance is always backed by rationalizations, excuses and justifications.  Conflict avoidant managers are usually afraid of displeasing others. Actually, they’re afraid of the bullies while they ignore the pain and anger of the bullied targets.

Responsible adults don’t whine, “Why can’t we all just get along?”  They do something about it.  Leaders set the tone at work and make it happen.  If your prime directive is to get along and never confront anyone, stick to recreation sports and don’t go into business.

If you’re not sure how to evaluate; learn.  Learn to convert confrontation and conflict into discussion, and to apply the necessary accountability procedures routinely, fairly, firmly and matter-of-factly.

If you think it’s wrong to evaluate and be demanding or if you’re cowardly, then you’re not a manager.  You’ll never stop bullies or lead a high performance team, you’ll run your part of the organization into the ground and you’ll leave a really messy diaper for someone else to clean up.  You’re being disloyal to your company, your own career and the people who depend on you.

Stand up for high standards – set the tone and do the work.  Of course it’s hard - if it was easy, anyone could do it.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement an anti-bullying plan that fits the situation at work.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop School Bullying: Recognize Signs

The first step in show to stop bullying and harassment at school is to be able to recognize the signs that your kid may be being bullied. Observe each child individually and compare with how he/she was before.

1. Do they have physical bruises, torn clothes and “lost” or broken possessions?
2. Have they become reluctant to go to school?  Do they want to transfer schools?
3. Have their grades slipped?
4. Have they stopped after-school activities?  Do they want you to pick them up after school?
5. Have they stopped talking about school? Do they ask how you stopped bullying when you were in school?
6. Have they become emotionally labile – very sensitive, easily upset, moody, grumpy, cry a lot?  Do they ask general or indirect questions about stopping bullies in school? Have they given up?  Do they talk about how hopeless or pointless life is or about suicide?
7. Do they isolate themselves – no longer talk to friends, hide in their rooms after school, stop using the computer or stay on computer instead of interacting with the family?  Do they say that former friends aren’t friends any more?
8. Have they stopped taking care of their personal stuff?
9. Have they stopped eating or are they ravenous after school because bullies took their lunch?  Do they have trouble sleeping or have nightmares?

Next time we’ll talk about how to get the information about how to stop bullying that you need even if your kid isn’t talking.

Circle the signs that you see and contact Dr. Ben at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543) for your free diagnosis and treatment plan to prevent school bullying and suicide.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Managers - Evaluate Honestly and Consistently or Fail

Have you caught yourself or other managers whining about staff, “They should have gotten that done but they just goofed off.”  Or “I expected them do that without direction but when I checked, they got it all wrong.  And look at what we pay them.”  Or “I have to do everything myself; no one trained them and I can’t trust them.” Stop whining and start managing; the buck stops at your desk.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Managers – Evaluate Honestly and Consistently or Fail

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/02/12/smallb4.html

Whether you have inexperienced or experienced people, train and manage them so you’re thrilled with their work.  There are no excuses – it’s your job.  Learn to do it well or do something else.

The key to management is honest, consistent evaluation – and all the steps that go into effective and appropriate course correction.  If you don’t track consistently, you’ll spend much more time picking up the pieces.  Sporadic or dishonest tracking reinforces poor performance, fear, hostility, anger and lawsuits.

Some of the keys to successful managing are (see the original article for details):

1. Know each person.  Estimate how long you think each task will take.  Integrate, prioritize and agree on professional and personal goals, and standards of behavior and communication.
2. Clarify what the final product or service will look like.  Determine milestones and timelines, final goals and deadlines.  Don’t wait until the last minute.
3. Specify responsibility, authority, support (resources, personnel) and constraints.  Clarify what they can do their way and what must be done your way or the company way.  Clarify accountability.  Clarify rewards and consequences.
4. Determine what to do if there’s a question, problem or new information to be taken into account.
5. Now manage – oversee the project. Give accurate, honest feedback.  Keep records.
6. Remove poor performers, trouble-makers, bullies and people with low attitudes.

You can’t manage if you’re afraid, lazy, a control freak or too busy.  What you don’t evaluate, won’t matter – you’re telling them that it’s OK if they blow it off or do it poorly.

Stand up for the standards – set the tone and do the work.  Of course it’s hard - if it was easy, anyone could do it.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Tips on how to stop bullying

The Full-Time Nanny site has a list of 30 blogs that feature the best advice on how to stop bullying. I’m grateful that BulliesBeGone.com is mentioned in the section on how to stop bullying in the workplace.

Other categories of bullying are:

• How to stop bullying in schools.
• Anti-bullying, school initiatives.
• Anti-bullying support groups and charities.
• Personal experience blogs.
• How to stop online bullying and harassment.

The article points out that, “as many as 70% of children become the victim of bullying at one point in their lives.  Despite increased efforts by support groups, charities and schools, the problem persists.  However, bullying is not confined to the classroom and playground – bullying exists in the greater community, online and in the workplace.”

Also, “Bullying leaves the victim feeling isolated, worthless and often depressed or suicidal.  The culture of bullying is present in every country across the globe, with no sign of being eradicated.

Of course, I think our practical and real-world work coaching and consulting is outstanding in all of these areas.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Promote Yourself by Promoting Your Leader

What do successful leaders look for when they hire or promote people to front line supervisor, manager or even other leadership positions?  The same guidelines you must follow if you’re the appointee and want to serve and manage your leader successfully. To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Promote Yourself by Promoting Your Leader

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/03/26/smallb4.html

Technical skills are just the beginning; what usually makes or breaks performance are the attitudes and actions that reinforce a good working relationship in the workplace.

If you’re the leader wanting to help yourself and your manager succeed, be clear about what you can give and what you want.  Review the list below together.

If you’re the new appointee, follow these guidelines to promote both yourself and the leader.  There’s a different set to follow if you’re out to stab the leader in the back. See the original article for details.

• Make the leader as efficient and effective as possible.  Adjust your style to what the leader needs to be comfortable.  Don’t try manipulation, harassment or bullying to make the leader conform to yours.
• No good decision can be made in a vacuum.  Find out the leader’s priorities for you - especially if they’re not articulated or clear.  Argue if necessary to iron them out, but then make them yours.
• Learn how the leader thinks.  Have ready what you’ll be asked for.  Learn the leader’s guiding principles, values, bottom lines and red flags - make them yours.
• Clarify appropriate measures for your team’s performance, track them and review the results with the leader.
• No Surprises.  Make sure the leader hears bad news from you in plenty of time to develop a backup plan.
• Trust is priceless - cultivate the deserved reputation for being above board.
• Cover the leader’s back.  No negativity, bad-mouthing or back-stabbing.
• Don’t make the boss do your dirty work; don’t even allow it.  Don’t nag and don’t say that you told them so.
• Think of the best interests of the whole company, not just your own turf.

Your job is not limited to your job description; it’s to succeed and make the leader look good.  When you hire your staff, make them buy in to the same list in support of you.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Entitled Teenagers Think Their Feelings Come First

Do you have trouble getting your teenagers to do what they don’t want to?  Do your entitled teenagers think their feelings come first in all things? How about your two-year olds or ten year-olds?

Of course, babies must try to get the world – their parents – to give them everything they need.  They’d die if they didn’t get us to feed them even when it’s inconvenient for us – say, at two in the morning or when we want a romantic evening or we want two minutes of peace and quiet.

Our task is to teach them, in age and stage appropriate ways, as they grow up, that:

• Their feelings are not the most important things in the world.
• There are many times when tasks and other people are much more important than their feelings.
• They can change their feelings.
• They shouldn’t let themselves be ruled by their feelings.
• It's not the end of the world if they don't get what they want.

If they don’t learn these crucial lessons, they’ll grow up selfish, narcissistic and weak, with no self-discipline.

In fact, graduating well from college often demonstrates the ability to be self-disciplined, delay gratification and do many things students think are stupid and useless.  Completing college shows job recruiters that the person is willing to do what’s necessary even under adverse circumstances – good qualities for a job, a marriage and being a good parent.

But if we’ve given into our kids from age two until they’re teenagers, we’re in for a tough time.  It’s hard to begin to teach them those lessons when they’re teenagers.  Think of most of the kids from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory;” examples of arrogant, entitled, rotten brats.

Nevertheless, we must begin.  We must:

• Set boundaries and limits, with real consequences if they don’t participate gracefully and graciously.  Asking without consequences is begging.
• Teach them that we will require them do some other things for other people and that some tasks are more important than whether they want to or not.  To demonstrate maturity and responsibility worthy of rewards they must do these obligations willingly, pleasantly and competently.
• Acknowledge their feelings (“Of course, you feel that way”) especially when we point out that just because they feel that way, doesn’t mean they get what they want from us or from the world.
• Teach them not to waste their time fighting with us to get what they want, but instead to struggle to get what they want against the least of them and against the world.  They cannot allow their anger to control them.  Calling us names, cursing, yelling or physical violence will get them severe consequences – even the police.
• Praise and encourage the wonderful person we know or hope is still living deep within them, wanting to emerge and take charge of their lives.  That inner spirit can learn other techniques to get what they really need.

The more even-handed and matter of fact we are, the more we apply our standards calmly and smilingly, but firmly and without negotiation or argument, the more we’ll succeed.  If your teenager fights to the death over everything, you have a very serious problem.

I am certainly not saying that they never get to vote on what they do or even get to rule in certain areas.  I am certainly not saying that we should break their spirits or beat them into submission.

I am saying that we insist they be part of a community that sometimes requires them to serve goals and relationships more important than their feelings.

Of course, they will resist.  They will:

• Try to manipulate, harass, bully and abuse us like they’ve done before.
• Try to get us into arguments about what’s fair.
• Pretend that if they’re not convinced, they don’t have to do things they don’t want.
• Try to blame, guilt and shame us.

A good guideline for us might be, “I’ll consider what you want if you make it fun for me.  And you will still have to do some things you don’t feel like.  And you will never get what you want by whining, complaining or trying to beat me into submission.”

Usually, as the teenagers get close to leaving home on their own or as we prepare to throw them out, we begin to back off.  We see that, as much as we worry, they simply won’t learn from our words of wisdom but, instead, they’ll only learn when the world teaches them these lessons.

We can prepare for when they’re gone by saying that we look forward to an adult relationship.  We won’t nag them about all the things we do now when we see them every day and when they’re living under our roofs.  After they leave, we’ll want to see them for fun times – whatever those happen to be.  And the rule will be that we will do things that are interesting and fun.  How’s that for a new relationship?

Of course, we also encounter people who think their feelings count more than anything else at work, and with spouses, friends, relatives and neighbors.  If you’re dating a person who thinks they’re the center of the universe, get away as soon as you can.  Don’t think you’ll change them.  Let them learn on somebody else’s body, heart and spirit.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Deal with difficult, but necessary, people at work

Although all businesses need consistent policies and procedures in order to succeed, most organizations violate their own rules when faced with very difficult people who happen to be necessary for success. I call these people and situations “special cases.”

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Deal with difficult, but necessary, people at work http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/04/16/smallb5.html

Special cases are often:

• Creative geniuses - like scientists, artists or software developers - whose bullying, abusive behavior must be tolerated because only they can create the product that everyone else depends on.
• Relatives who company founders insist on keeping.
• A leader’s favorites or special “pets.”
• Individuals who dedicated their lives during the initial development of a company, but now their behavioral quirks, obsessive interference in all operations or lack of a specialized skill diminishes further contributions.

The value of these special cases to the leader, the company and the rest of the staff must outweigh the problems that result from the amount of energy it takes to deal with them, their high salaries, influence on leaders, insistence on doing things their way, jealousy created if they flaunt their special position or the decrease in productivity, morale and teamwork they can cause.

If they disrupt operations or refuse to be contained, then they must go.

In order for the company to run smoothly and effectively, accommodations must be made on both sides and some effective working agreements must be honored.  See the original article for details.

• There will be only a few special cases and they will be known and recognized.
• They will be a fairly constant factor.  Leaders should not vacillate between keeping them and wanting them terminated over specific situations.
• The company can afford the money, time and energy.
• Leadership will develop a plan to minimize their secondary effects.  Managers and other staff must accept the arrangements or transfer.  Employees who deal with these difficult people may need “hazard duty” pay.
• Managers must be allowed to handle special cases. Leaders must push complaints from the special case back to the manager.
• Special cases must accept limitations on their unique treatment.

Employees who are so aggressive and litigious that management is afraid to apply the standards must not be allowed to stay.

Also, leaders must search for replacements while they’re tolerating these poor attitudes and behavior.  People will put up with great difficulties and inequities as long as there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Creating special cases means that not everyone is being treated identically.  But that’s the way of the world –- certain individuals get unique treatment.  That’s how we treat our own families, friends and those we depend on.  Sometimes it’s even necessary for our companies to thrive.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Bullying by Toxic Relatives

Gangs or cliques or mobs form in families, at schools and in the workplace.  They go after designated scapegoats. At home, toxic parents, siblings or close or distant relatives often single out innocent targets and try to get everyone else to turn against them.

For example: Jane was appalled that suddenly her aunt was angry at her.  Her aunt’s attacks started with seemingly small, negative comments about clothes, hair and make up.  In Jane’s close, extended family no one objected.  They didn’t want to offend her aunt or start fights.  The family gathered almost every week and their closeness was very important.

Jane apologized to her aunt for whatever she might have done but her aunt never acknowledged that she was angry or that her remarks were nasty or wrong.  Even worse, when no one defended Jane, her aunt’s verbal harassment increased.  She criticized or mocked Jane at every opportunity about everything.

Soon, Jane’s aunt’s husband joined in and then another aunt piled on.  Then two cousins joined.  They colluded with and enabled the aunt.  Some even told all the secrets Jane had confided in them.  It was as if her life had been exposed and picked apart by hyenas.

Jane was crushed but no matter how she cried or pleaded, they never acknowledged that they were bullying or abusing her.  Sometimes one would say that they were just telling the truth or that they were trying to help Jane or that Jane deserved it.

Jane began to dread the family gatherings but she was stuck.  She was required to attend.  Also, she was desperate for her family’s approval and respect.  She couldn’t imagine life without them.

Finally, during one particularly vicious afternoon, Jane had had it.  She rushed out of the house and vowed that she wouldn’t put up with the abuse any more.  When Jane’s mother criticized her for leaving her wonderful family and for causing a potential rift, Jane couldn’t hold her tongue anymore.

She told her mother she couldn’t stand being the target of these attacks.  She didn’t want to be around people who thought those horrible things about her.  She hated all the people who supposedly loved her but weren’t standing up for her.  They should know her character better that that.  Getting away was more important that staying with people who treated her that way.

Jane changed her perspective and priorities. Jane decided she’d been looking for solutions in all the wrong places.  She’d been asking the wrong questions and having hopes that wouldn’t be fulfilled.  For example:

1. She’d been thinking that if she explained herself and how much she was being hurt, they’d understand and love her like they used to and stop being so critical.  She also thought that by trying to talk with them calmly and nicely, they’d respect her and be nice to her in return.
2. She had focused on why they said those horrible things.  Their attacks didn’t make any sense; why did they do it; didn’t they have a conscience?
3. She had thought that if she could understand why they did it, she could apologize for whatever they were angry about and then they’d love her again.

Now she saw things differently and it all made sense to her.

1. She had done nothing in particular to deserve how her aunt treated her.  Her aunt was simply a nasty person; had always been, but the family had tolerated her aunt’s behavior in the name of “family.”
2. Her aunt’s rule was that if you don’t do what she wanted right now, you’re bad or evil and deserve to be destroyed whenever she felt like it or got around to it.  And if she changed her mind in five minutes, you must do the new thing, not the old thing, even if it’s opposite.  Jane’s aunt was a narcissist; in her mind she was always justified in doing what she wanted.
3. Her aunt took no responsibility for doing anything wrong or for making things better.  In fact, the more Jane tried to heal the breach, the more her aunt thought Jane was weak and vulnerable.  That encouraged her to attack Jane even more.  That seemed weird to Jane but it was accurate.
4. Jane realized that a cousin who used to be the prime target of her aunt’s vicious tongue and gang of followers had moved away.  Her aunt simply needed another target and had selected Jane as the weakest and sweetest person and, therefore, the one most likely to tolerate it.
5. Jane could see the answer to her question; “Why do people pile on?”  Typical reasons are that it feels good to some people when they put down someone else or they’re afraid to resist the nastiest person in the room or they’re jealous or they’re cowards with “good” excuses.  Behaving like that made no sense to Jane, but she saw that it was accurate.

Now, she could stop thinking about those subjects.  Jane realized that it didn’t matter why.  Nothing reasonable on her part would make her aunt stop.  What mattered was that they did abuse her and she wouldn’t stand for it any more.

She’d protect herself and see who’d stand with her.  She might be a target but she wouldn’t be a victim.  She felt powerful; she didn’t need them to empower her.  She’d stand up, no matter what the consequences.  She’d make herself worth protecting.

Jane’s anti-bullying program:

1. She stopped asking useless questions and stopped accepting the role they wanted her to play.  She stood up and shined a light on what was happening.  Protecting herself was more important than sacrificing her heart and spirit on the altar of some “family value.”
2. In her own mind and then in public, Jane labeled her aunt’s behavior as “nasty” or “bullying” or “abusive” or “evil.”  She never argued with the content or accusation her aunt was making.  She attacked the act of making such vicious comments.  She ignored her aunt’s hurt feelings and anger at what Jane said.
3. On occasions when her statements didn’t stop her aunt, Jane turned to the rest of the family and challenged them.  “Are you going to stand by and let her be so mean?  Don’t you care about me?  I thought you loved me?  We’re not talking about whether what she says is true; we’re talking about how we treat each other.  This is a bad example to set for the kids.  I thought we were supposed to be kind in this family?  Who would want to be part of such a family?”
4. If the gang didn’t stop, she spoke more straight-forwardly: “You cowards, ganging up on me to enable that nasty old woman.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.  I hope your kids treat you the same way when they grow up.”
5. If people didn’t defend her, she held her head up high and left.  And she made sure that she did something that was a fun treat, just in case they asked later.  When she did leave one family gathering, she made sure not to attend the next one.

What happened?

1. At first, her relatives were surprised and shocked by the new Jane.  They phoned her in confidence to try to force her, using blame, shame and guilt, to be quiet and not upset the family.  They had many reasons why she should put up with her aunt’s behavior.  Later, they told her that they were secretly impressed by her courage and strength.
2. The people in her aunt’s gang called and were very vicious and nasty.  She hung up on them.
3. Of course, people wanted her to change because they all thought that the aunt was the most difficult and resistant person in the room.  Typically, people try to change the easiest person, not the most difficult.  But when they saw that Jane would not back down and that they must make a choice, they turned on Jane’s aunt and demanded that she stop.  They also attacked the members of her aunt’s gang.  Deep down, they all knew that criticism and harassment were not the way they wanted members of their family treating each other.
4. Jane never let on that their treatment hurt her feelings.  Over time, she was surprised that her feelings got hurt less and less.
5. The moment of truth came when her aunt threatened not to come to family gatherings.  It was her or Jane, she demanded.  She was stunned when most of the relatives said they’d choose Jane.  That’s when Jane’s aunt started to back down.

Jane’s situation was, unfortunately, very typical.  Bullies don’t stop bullying because they’re asked to or begged or appeased.  They don’t stop if their behavior is minimized or ignored.  They only stop if they are stopped.  Some people won’t stop even then; they insist on being in control and being right.  They’d rather leave than give in.

In Jane’s case, her aunt and her gang gave in.  They weren’t gracious and Jane never again shared her inner life with her aunt or the gang, but at least they could be polite and civil on family occasions.

Actually, in other areas of her life, Jane was pleasantly surprised.  The act of standing up for herself against her aunt had changed Jane.  Jane was now able to ask for what she wanted and to pursue the goals she set for herself.  Instead of being a shy, retiring wallflower, she felt full of self-confidence.  She became a successful person whom others noticed and respected.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.