Don't listen to negative, "energy vampires" in the workplace

Leadership is an open-book exam. Both you and the President can get information and advice from many sources.  The benefits of asking are obvious.  But when facing a shrinking economy, cutthroat competition or terrorists, it’s crucial to know who not to ask or even listen to.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Don’t listen to negative, “energy vampires” in the workplace http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/10/15/smallb5.html

Don’t listen to people who are:

• Scared, overwhelmed, discouraged or continually negative and critical; "energy vampires."
• Angry, hostile, manipulative and blaming narcissists; looking for someone to make their lives work the way they want.
• Exhausted or complacent lovers of comfort, convenience, ease and appeasement, too soft to fight.
• Sure that fairness and justice are the best ways to win or are more important than winning.  Disillusioned because their hope for friendly, win-win solutions has been challenged by a reality of cutthroat competition and win-lose fights to the death.
• Stuck in “analysis paralysis.”

Some keys to success in changing times - see original article for details:

• Talk to people who have the determination and energy to try to mold the future to your liking.  Listen to people who know what it takes to thrive in hard times and to defeat determined enemies.  Don’t listen to “energy vampires” who sap your will.
• Become low maintenance.  Whether you’re a manager or an employee, an official or a citizen, be a person who can pitch in and help out.
• Promote people who take charge and succeed - don’t keep employees who fall apart in a crisis.  In a world wallowing in recession and terrorism, your company and your country can’t afford to carry wimps, whiners and weaklings, panicked or immobilized by fear.  If you keep them, they’ll drag you under.
• Leaders stick together.  Tell people what you expect them to accomplish and how you expect them to act.  Talk longest and deepest with leaders at all levels in your organization.  Your job is to support hope, calmness and productivity under pressure.  You have a business to run.
• Take intelligent risks; don’t be too prudent.  Remember F.D.R. saying, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Buy and build.
• Tell hero stories.  You’ll hear friends, family, children or coworkers upset because they just figured out that we can never really be safe or secure.  We don’t know what might happen.  Tell them about people with courage and skill in the face of danger.
• Success must be fought for and won; it won’t be given.  The British didn’t leave America in 1776 because they were politely asked to.  Hitler didn’t stop because he was appeased.

Hard times and war are great opportunities to be great.  Prepare yourself to be brave and skillful.  Losing is a much worse example for our children than is war and victory.

You might even read, “Masters of Change,” by William Boast and Benjamin Martin.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Controlling, Abusive Spouses

Alice’s husband criticized, harassed, bullied and controlled her.  Even though she felt that the longer she stayed with him, the more she would lose herself and her future, for many reasons, she was afraid to stand up to him. She wondered how long it would take for her to develop the courage, strength and skill to get away and make it on her own.

Helped by coaching, Alice went through two steps:

1. Developing the courage, strength and determination to get away, no matter what obstacles she put in her mind or he put in her path.  She developed the endurance and flexibility necessary to pick up her spirits, no matter how she felt.
2. Creating a plan and carrying it out successfully.  That meant adjusting the plan as she saw what worked and what wasn’t effective.  That also meant continuing on no matter how many times she fell down; getting up one more time than she fell.

Breakthroughs and step-throughs.  The inner shift can be:

1. Immediate and sudden (a breakthrough).
2. Slow and building until a critical mass or tipping point is reached, at which point there is a breakthrough moment.  That’s like the old quote: “At long-last, to be enlightened instantly.”
3. Slow and cumulative (step-throughs).

Alice followed the second path.  She had to remove all her objections one-by-one before she was ready to take the last step.  For example, she had to overcome her ideas that:

• She deserved everything she got because she wasn’t perfect or wasn’t the way he wanted her to be.
• She would be weak and bad if she gave up on him; if she stopped thinking he could change.
• She had taken a holy vow to be his wife; she must keep it, no matter what.
• She couldn’t make without him.
• The kids needed a father.
• If she stood up or left him, he’d commit suicide and it’d be her fault.
• If she stood up or left him, he’d ruin her reputation or kill her and get the kids.

One step at a time got Alice there.  Often we want to see if each next step is okay, not a disastrous change in life, before taking the one after that.  We don’t want to step off a cliff – especially since the future is really not clear and we can’t predict with certainty that the ground is stable and firm ahead.

Finally, one night, in front of the kids, he grabbed her, put his face right next to hers and yelled that he would never change; she could expect him to do this every day or every moment he felt like it and it was important for the kids to see who the boss was.

Something in Alice snapped; she had a breakthrough. It was over for her.  Instead of the usual flash of hot anger followed by guilt and fear, she felt a cold determination fueled by rage.  She was done taking his bullying…forever.

Outer change usually requires more time (step-throughs):

• Skill learning is often step-through.
• Alice had to learn to resist her own self-bullying, guilt, fear and falling back.
• She had to resist the attempts of people to lure her or order her to go back.
• She had to resist her fears that he would take everything, including the kids, or that she’d be unable to support them.
• She had to resist her fears of being alone when some people they were once friendly with deserted her and took her husband’s side.
• She and her lawyer had to adjust her plans in response to his dirty tricks.
• She had to explain to the kids and to not give in to their attempts to minimize or ignore her husband’s behavior.

Alice discovered that each step taken successfully reinforced the next step and made the process faster.  Someone told her it was like continuous improvement in the workplace.  She felt it was more like learning to walk.  And one small step can change your life.

Both leapers and stepper can get free.

Looking back, Alice realized she couldn’t stop her husband from behaving the way he chose, but she could get him out of her environment; she could create a bully-free zone around herself and her children.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

'Caretaker Mentality' Thwarts Success in Workplace

A leader’s primary job is to do whatever is worth your life’s effort in a way that succeeds and is consistent with your core values.  You must judge your priorities and strategies by that criterion; do they promote or interfere with winning. If you think that there are more important things than winning, so that, for example, you’re willing to give up 10% of your company’s market share to be nice, please tell me so I can invest somewhere else.

One of the most insidious threats to success in the workplace is the “caretaker mentality” that comes in many forms.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: ‘Caretaker Mentality’ Thwarts Success in Workplace

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2002/01/14/smallb7.html

If you confuse core values with attitudes, preferences and strategies that ignore realities or that interfere with winning, you’re setting yourself up for losing or becoming a martyr.

However much you might value openness and honesty with those you love, you can’t tell your competition your plans and proprietary secrets.  That’s a childish understanding of honesty and a strategy that guarantees failure.  Beware of people who say that’s the way the world should be.

Some examples:

• Not pursuing accounts receivable because it might be embarrassing for customers.
• Not requiring a team member to do something they don’t like.  Not giving honest feedback to people who say they can’t perform their tasks because of personal problems.  Not holding someone accountable for deadlines if they can’t handle the stress.
• People at a child care center accepting poor service from janitors or plumbers because they’re trying their best and if you work with them, over time they might improve their performance.
• Letting vagrants block your front door because they have nowhere else to go.
• Health care providers not wanting to keep accurate records or submit timely bills because caring counts more than money.
• Keeping someone incompetent at a particular job if they’re well meaning or their feelings would be hurt by being transferred or released.

Those may sound farfetched, but they’re real examples I’ve seen in abundance in companies and especially in non-profits, public service organizations and government agencies.

The “caretaker mentality” shows a deep and pervasive confusion about the organization’s mission and priorities. See the original article for details.

• It assumes that you can take care of everyone’s needs and wishes without interfering with anyone else’s.
• It assumes that it’s okay to accept mediocre performance or that the only or best way of encouraging better performance is to lower standards.
• It allows the angriest, nastiest, most vicious or most ignorant person to harass, bully and abuse other people while you try to understand and educate the bully.  It turns targets into victims.
• It assumes that making people feel good, even if you have to lie to them or give dishonest evaluations, is more important than challenging them with high standards and the need for results.
• It puts a great burden on the rest of the team to deliver on promises.
• While it pretends to care about everyone, it actually cares only about the people it designates as “victims” and allows them to victimize everyone else.

You don’t have to be nasty, ruthless or cheat, but you do have to be realistic and to choose.  Either you focus on your best shot at accomplishing the mission you hold dear enough to spend your time and energy, and to risk your fortune, or you give up that purpose to satisfy some other value.

Your primary responsibility is to make your organization a success in providing service to your customers at a profit, so you can continue to provide salaries to your employees.  There are many ways you can take care of your community without undermining that responsibility.

Of course, the caretaker mentality in relationships, at school and in your extended family can also ruin your life

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Anti-Bullying: Don't Accept Excuses from School Bullies

Bullies always have reasons they think are good enough for why they harass and abuse their targets.  It’s always the fault of their targets.  Bullies think their excuses and justifications should relieve them of any consequences for their behavior. They are that narcissistic and self-deluded.

What’s wrong with these pictures?

• Walter shoved the little kids around at school.  He waylaid them in the halls, in the schoolyard, in the cafeteria and in the bathrooms.  Walter said the other kids weren’t nice enough to him and, anyway, they were exaggerating how much pain he’d caused.  His principal knew that Walter wasn’t likeable and that his father abused him, but not in ways that could be reported to the police.  His principal’s anti-bullying strategy was to tell the other kids to be more understanding of Walter’s situation, to be nicer to him and to wait for Walter to outgrow his problems.
• Sonja was well-known as the nastiest girl in school.  A few other girls, who admired her certainty and righteousness or were afraid of her, did what she told them to do.  They helped her make sarcastic remarks about other girls, shove them, harass them and pick on any of the physical or mental qualities they called “defects.”  Sonja claimed that the other girls had started it by being nasty to her and that they deserved what they got.  Anyway, she was only having a little fun.  Her principal knew Sonja was actually very insecure and was always criticized by her parents.  Nothing she ever did was good enough for them.  Her principal’s anti-bullying approach was to encourage Sonja’s targets to be more understanding of her, to try to win her affection and friendship, and to wait for her to learn to be nice, despite the examples she had for parents.

In both cases, these principals had accepted the excuses Walter and Sonja had given.  They also accepted the socially-acceptable, psychological explanations for Walter and Sonja’s behavior as excuses and justifications so that there should be no consequences for them.  They had it hard enough at home.

In both cases, the principals had turned their targets into victims.

There were no consequences for Walter and Sonja: no detention, no suspensions.  Since nothing happened to them, they never had reason to change.  In fact, since they were allowed to continue their bullying, they had gained more power at school.

In addition to the principals not protecting their students, the principals made no attempt to rally all the students to do something about them.  When people can’t get the responsible authorities to protect them, they are given only a few simple choices: submit to the bullying or become vigilantes and take justice into their own hands.  Of course, those principals will punish them, even though they never did anything to Walter and Sonja.

The take-home message is that while we can have sympathy and understanding for bullies’ excuses, justifications and problems, we must still stop their bullying behavior.

Of course, in order to make the point, I’ve simplified the cases I’ve presented.  But the point is simple.  Any complications and difficulties only mean that we may need more determination and cleverness to implement an effective plan.  But those complexities don’t change the direction we need to go.  They may mean that we, as parents, may have to bring great pressure and publicity to bear on principals who won’t stop bullying.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

No Whining Complainers: No More Victim Talk

Yes, life can be unfair and painful. But deciding what’s worth time doing something about and how to deal with it, is what can make your future great or miserable. If there’s a fly in your soup or the wrong entrée was brought, don’t just grin and bear it.  Get what you ordered, well prepared.  But you don’t have to whine or be an obnoxious jerk about it.

To read the rest of this article from the Cincinnati Business Courier, see: No Whining Complainers: No More Victim Talk http://cincinnati.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/stories/2003/01/20/smallb5.html

Whining complainers come in typical forms and for obvious reasons.  See the original article for details.

• Whining complainers try to get sympathy and free goodies, to be the center of attention, to protect themselves from consequences and to control other people.
• “Professional victims” can find a cloud behind every silver lining.  Their lack of success is never their fault: it’s their genes, upbringing, bad luck, lack of support, previous poor decisions they can’t overcome, or powerful forces from outer space.  They can get power by this form of bullying.
• After “Energy vampires” leave, you feel like you’ve been drained of a quart of energy.  It’s hard to get back to work.
• “Dumpers” hurl so many problems on you that you need a shower.  And it’s then easy for you to waste even more time, sharing the garbage with someone else.
• “Blamers” specialize in righteous indignation, anger, temper tantrums and explosive silences.
• “Self-flagellators” proudly exhibit their badges of guilt and shame. When you realize the exhibition doesn’t help them do better, you wonder whose benefit the virtuoso performance was for.
• “Professional critics” are never satisfied.  But they’ve lost their sense of proportion.  They don’t distinguish between inconvenience, annoyance, irritation and serious problems.   They overreact, have no sense of which battles to fight or of political give-and-take and they never let anything rest; even problems can’t be solved.

Whining complainers live in a state of perpetual childhood, full of narcissism, greed and lust for power, isolated and avoiding responsibility for their problems and their futures.  And they take that out by harassing coworkers.

Moods are catching. If you wallow in feeling sorry for yourself or if you’re habitually overwhelmed, panicked, discouraged or angry, everybody and everything suffers.

Whining complainers decrease morale, divide loyalties, increase sick leave and turn over, and destroy productivity.  If you let them stay in your workplace they will sap its life‘s blood.  Stand up for great attitudes and replace whining complainers with people whose passion for life and work pour out of them.

A culture of whining complainers becomes a litigious culture, in which people take no responsibility for what they do.

I’ve focused on whining complainers and critics in the workplace, but, of course, the same could be said about them in personal life – whether it’s your spouse, kids, family or friends.

You can focus on what’s wonderful and what gives your life meaning, value, richness and joy, or you can whine and complain.

After a recent presentation, one person said that he had changed his life: in order to have the future he wants, he just doesn’t have time to sulk, complain or look for sympathy.  His first job is to practice keeping his spirit up while solving important problems.  He also doesn’t have a lot of time to listen to losers.  He chooses to be around winners who take things in stride.

It’s your life. You have the same choice.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Bullying by Abusive, Narcissistic Teenagers

I hope you’re not a parent of a stubborn, angry, demanding teenager.  Or maybe even worse, the single-parent of one. We keep thinking that if we can only endure longer, can only say the right thing, can only find the perfect person or book or movie to say the right thing, can only make up for what they’re so angry about, our teenager will suddenly get it.  They’ll magically become the polite, civil, hardworking person we want them to be.

But how do we know when enough is enough and it’s time to kick them out?

Recognize when you may be still catering to, enabling or even prolonging a serious problem. How many of these signs do you see and when did they start – last week, age seven, age two, day one?  These toxic, abusive teenagers:

• Must get their way about everything, no matter how trivial it seems to you.  Any time you want something or ask them for something, they talk and act like you’re abusing them.
• Won’t lift a finger.  They push every boundary.  They will fight to the death.
• Have only style: harass you, resist everything you want, harass you or to “beat you into submission.”  They’d rather harm themselves than do what you want or do things your way.
• Expect you to help them or bail them out when they’ve messed up – no matter how badly they just treated you.  They think they’re entitled to whatever they want.  You’re responsible for making their life work.  They think their need is more important than your feelings.
• Use threats or overt physical violence toward you, your pets, your favorite or necessary equipment.

They remind me of the spoiled, entitled brats, like Veruka Salt, in “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

Some reasons why parents put up with this nasty behavior from their children even though they wouldn’t let any friends or anyone in the workplace abuse them that way are:

• They think it’s normal behavior for modern teenagers.
• Blame and guilt – especially single parents, who feel they caused their little darlings psychological damage and protecting, catering and enabling them is the way to make up for it.
• Accept their teenager’s excuses – “If only you do everything I want and give me everything I say I need, I’ll be happy, nice and successful.”
• Fear – if parents don’t give in, arrogant and needy teenager won’t love them, or their weak and fragile teenager will go to live with the divorced parent, or will hurt somebody or fail at life and end up on the streets, a loser or dead.
• Shame – if they kicked the kids out it would be morally wrong, show the kid they really don’t like him or be seen by friends, neighbors or relatives as a failure.
• Magical thinking – parents hope that if they let the abuse continue, one magic day, their darling babies (young adults) will get it and become instantly wonderful.

When is enough, enough? Any behavior on the first list, if done repeatedly.  Also if the teenager:

• Pushes any and every boundary.
• Relentlessly, sarcastically demeans you to your face in private or public.
• Runs up your credit card,
• Ruins your car even though they need it
• Blames you and lies when the police come.

What can you do, depending on the teenager’s age, sex and whether he has any disabilities?

• Plant seeds.  Remind him of his potential and your belief in him.  Nourish him with stories of people who created great lives despite problems far worse than his.  Feed him biographies of great people.  Tell him to choose to be invulnerable!
• Tell him that he needs a second strategy to get what he wants in life.  Stop focusing on getting what he wants from his parents and start focusing on getting it from the world.  Focusing on his parents is a waste of his time and energy.
• Tell him that while he already knows how to get what he wants by beating people (you) into submission, he needs to learn how be so likeable that people will be willing to give him what he wants.  To demonstrate that message, make clear that you might consider giving him what he wants if he makes it fun for you and that you’ll never give him if he tries beating it out of you – verbally or physically.
• Stop begging or bribing him.  Do not seek his agreement or permission to set high standards or have consequences you want.
• Kick him out of the nest and let the world teach him.  He won’t listen to you any more.  Let him fail, not have a car because he messed up yours, miss important events because you’ve grounded him, run away, try living with the other parent and get in trouble with the school or police,.  And if you’re afraid, call the police (having prepared them ahead) and press charges.  Let him learn that once people are older than ten years, the world pays only for performance, not potential, promises or excuses.  There are not an infinite number of chances and he can’t re-negotiate everything when he wants.
• Don’t bully yourself – your teenager is now responsible for his attitudes, decisions and actions.  Your teenager, like all of us, faces a choice: be a loser with a good excuse (“I was treated badly as a kid, I don’t get the breaks, my behavior is someone else’s fault – parents or teachers”) or be a winner no matter what

When you don’t require good performance, set and maintain strong boundaries and rules in your environment or punish him, the secret message your teenager gets is that you think he’s too weak and fragile to succeed.

This is a test of the strength of your commitment to the potential you see in him.  You’re setting a good example of someone who won’t allow a toxic polluter in her environment; even when that destroyer is your blood.  Good behavior counts more than bad blood.

This is a test of how far gone he is – how weak, narcissistic or crazy.

In my coaching with people around the world, I’ve seen that if you don’t require high standards you’re guaranteeing that your teenager will not turn around.  If you set boundaries, demand respect and have strong consequences that are not negotiable, then he has a chance of turning around and you can have hope.  At first, many of these kids thrash around and protest the new rules, but then they get it.

For example, see the last case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

If he continues to fight you as if it’s life-or-death, that tells you that there is a very serious problem.  You should treat it as such and think carefully about how to protect yourself from his hostility and bullying.  Prepare for worst case scenarios

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Surefire ways lose your most valued customers

Master these methods and you’re guaranteed to lose your best customers.  Since hiding exceptions to guarantees is a great way to lose customers, I’d better reveal my exceptions. To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see: Surefire ways to lose your most valued customers http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2002/11/04/smallb3.html

No matter how hard they try, some organizations can’t or don’t lose their customers.

• Some federal and state agencies, and some local utilities realize that they’re only game in town.  If you get good service it’s either luck or some individuals who really care – but good service is not critical for them to keep their customers.
• Some customers won’t leave because they’re masochists, have very low expectations or feel helpless.

Seven techniques for losing your best customers. See the original article for details.

1. Burn out your best employees; promote your worst.  Pay minimum wage for receptionists and telephone operators who are curt, defensive and passive-aggressive.
2. Make buying very difficult.  Make perspective customers wade through five-to-ten steps of an answering system with no way to get to a live person.  Design a web site that takes forever to download and make purchasing require a complicated series of entries.
3. Over charge and under deliver.  Apologize profusely for a mistake, promise it will never happen again and then do nothing to correct the problem.
4. Become very important.  Start coasting.  Ignore your oldest and best customers – the easy sales.  Show up late for appointments.  Talk too much.  Don’t bother about product knowledge.
5. Be creative about not following through. Don’t return phone calls or wait a very long time before returning them and then forget the customer’s name.  Rely on company policy to avoid product returns.
6. Use offensive language when talking to customers.
7. Insult your competitor's products.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Anxiety, Depression and Suicide: Lasting Effects of Bullying

Check out the article on “Anxiety, Depression and Suicide: The Lasting Effects of Bullying,” by Brian Krans on Healthline.com. Some good quotes from the article: “Being bullied means always being on high alert.  It’s the cold sweat that builds on the back of your neck anytime a bully is around.  It’s living in constant fear of being a victim.

New research shows that this heightened level of anxiety among victims of bullying—and the bullies themselves—doesn’t stop after elementary school. It can have dramatic effects on a person well into adulthood.”

“Bullying is not just a harmless rite of passage or an inevitable part of growing up.  Victims of bullying are at increased risk for emotional disorders in adulthood.  Bullies/victims are at the highest risk and are most likely to think about or plan suicide.  These problems are associated with great emotional and financial costs to society.”

“Those who were both bullies and victims are more likely to have:

• young adult depression
• panic disorder
• agoraphobia
• suicidal thoughts or actions”

“Professional counseling and therapy may help as well.  If anything, teach your child that bullying is a sign of weakness, not strength, and that it shouldn’t be tolerated.”

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Surefire ways of inspiring the exodus of best employees

Want to downsize by driving away your best employees? If you have trouble believing that I’ve seen these techniques while consulting or coaching, you’re underestimating human creativity.

To read the rest of this article from the Washington Business Courier, see: Surefire ways of inspiring exodus of best employees http://washington.bizjournals.com/washington/stories/2004/05/17/smallb6.html

Ten techniques I’ve seen used to get rid of the best employees.  See original article for details.

1. Keep goals, strategic plans, deadlines, policies and procedures unclear or secret. Don’t develop clear communication skills and processes.  Act as if employees are supposed to know what you mean, and if they don’t, it’s their problem.  Ignore employees’ grievances or penalize them severely for wasting your time.
2. Set impossible standards and deadlines; be hypercritical. Demand perfection.  Break your own rules.  Take your moods out on them; throw fits, retaliate often, make attacks personal - curse, threaten and demean them.
3. Be the hub; change your mind often; give contradictory orders. Micro-manage and then be unavailable when your opinion is needed.  Foster rumors.  Criticize them loudly for not taking responsibility and for wasting your time with dumb questions.
4. Evaluate sporadically, especially after mistakes, or not at all. Don’t give specific feedback; just yell that they did it wrong and there’s going to be hell to pay.  Chastise in public.  Avoid dealing with issues and problems. Promote inefficiency and diffuse responsibility.
5. Deny responsibility; it’s never your fault. Promise anything, deny you ever said it (as if they just didn’t listen carefully or twisted your words), don’t put anything in writing
6. Play favorites. Whisper behind closed doors, reward non-productive employees who suck up to you in public, form intimate relationships with a few and let everyone know.  Ignore their privacy.  Go through their desks, eat their snacks, make loud remarks about your findings.
7. Treat everybody the same; give everyone the same rewards. Ignore extra effort and high productivity.
8. Don’t waste time and money on training. Get new software but don’t ask users to help customize or test it before installation.  Throw new employees into the fray without training or instructions.  Enjoy righteous indignation when they don’t meet your standards.  Complain that you have to do everything yourself if you want it done right.
9. Treat downsized employees poorly; blame the company’s problems on them. Nickel-and-dime them.  No personal calls or e-mail, ever!  Give yourself huge increases and perks.
10. In a budget crunch, give falsely poor evaluations in order to justify giving small raises. Separate evaluations from rewards so you can easily give great evaluations and tiny raises.

These techniques are only the tip of the iceberg.

Of course, you’ll have to master a different set of methods to keep your best employees and replace only the worst.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Hidden meanings of divorce

Jane had been unhappy in her marriage to Joe since she’d walked down the aisle as a teenager.  But first she’d stayed because she’d promised, then she stayed for the children and then she stayed because leaving was too scary. Even though she’d been thinking for years about divorcing him and she’d waited until the children were independent, and even though it took more time to arrange it, she was surprised at all she went through afterward.  She’d thought she’d move on immediately and easily.

Divorce meant the end of a dream. Jane was surprised at how disoriented and upset she became, even though she was the one who wanted the divorce and had initiated it.  But it was as if her whole universe had collapsed and she didn’t know what to do.

Actually that was a very accurate image.  Indeed, her world had revolved around the dream she had fantasized and tried to create – a wonderful marriage and happy family.  Even though it hadn’t turned out that way, all her thoughts and energy had revolved around that center.  Now the center of her universe was gone.  Like a solar system with no sun at its center, everything flew off in different directions.

She had to create a new center for her life and to organize every aspect to revolve around it.  That took time, but when she centered on herself and the wonderful, full, rich life she wanted, all the pieces began to come together.  Her discomfort and second-guessing disappeared, and her life – her mental, emotional and spiritual life – stabilized.

Divorce meant the end of daily, face-to-face bullying. Joe had been a demanding, manipulative, controlling husband.  Jane had always lived under his thumb.  She tiptoed around trying to avoid big confrontations, lectures and explosions.  Now she didn’t have to do what he wanted and he couldn’t do anything serious to her.  She felt a huge relief.  She could stand up straight, breathe deeply and do what she wanted without arguments and recriminations, or his approval or permission.  She was not surprised at how liberated she felt.  She was giddy with freedom.

But he didn’t stop trying to control her.  He became more demanding and manipulative.  She had to learn how to resist his controlling methods and her own self-bullying.

Divorce meant she was no longer responsible for Joe’s issues or well-being. All during their marriage, Jane had tended to Joe’s emotional needs; his ego’s need to be stroked, his abandonment and control issues, his dislikes, his hypochondria and depression, his threats of suicide.

Because of her preparation, right after she received the final divorce papers, Jane felt free of the burden of taking care of Joe’s issues.  She wished him well, but was no longer responsible for making his life work the way he wished.

But putting that inner freedom into practice required a stepwise process.  Joe didn’t like the loss of his servant and scapegoat so he used every manipulative, bullying trick that had succeeded previously in order to make her take care of him now.

He called her whenever he felt upset, needy or sick.  At first, no matter how sorry for him Jane felt, no matter how much her caretaker and enabler patterns had been stimulated, she had to force herself to tell him she wouldn’t be coming over to take care of him.  At first, she became angry at his pathetic attempts.  She forced herself to tell him that he’d have to call his friends or get a therapist or go to the hospital.  Later, that became easy; second-nature.

Joe started calling their children and complaining about how cold and unloving she’d become.  He suspected that she now had a young boyfriend she was taking care of.  Jane explained Joe’s patterns to their children and told them she hoped they’d put the responsibility for his happiness right back in his lap.  And she wasn’t having a fling with a pool-boy.

When Joe threatened suicide, she almost ran over to stop him.  But them she stepped back and said she’d call the police for him.  He said she shouldn’t call them, but then persisted in suicide talk.  She hung up and called 911.  He never threatened her with suicide again.  She told their children the tactic that had worked.

It seemed to take 9 months – an interesting period – for her to let go of her internal habits and to feel comfortable setting her boundaries in a matter-of-fact way.  By “setting,” she now meant keeping her boundaries, no matter how he tried to ignore or trample them.  She no longer rode the roller coaster of huge emotional swings – caring, concern, panic, anger, rage and guilt.  Then her life started opening up the way she’d hoped the divorce would allow.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Don’t Tolerate "Stars" Who Bully at Work

Nobody likes a bully.  But imagine that your best salesman is a bully.  You’re faced with a dilemma that may make you hesitate.  Heroism and skill will be required to maintain standards. To read the rest of this article from the Cincinnati Business Courier, see: Don’t Tolerate “Stars” Who Bully at Work http://cincinnati.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/stories/2003/04/07/smallb3.html

Even if the bullying is flagrant and public, you might think twice before risking a major revenue stream confronting that person.

Even worse, if bullying is more subtle and private – like a bully “sales star “ cuts others out of their share of a sale; undermines other sales people; verbally intimidates and abuses support staff - you may be tempted to hesitate and ignore the initial rumors.

A prevalent assumption in our society is that the first time you hear about a problem, you should minimize it, give people the benefit of the doubt and hope it goes away by itself.  That assumption is wrong.

See the original article for details.

• Don’t let an untreated splinter lead to gangrene or a bullying problem fester. For every incident you hear about, there are usually five that haven’t reached you.  This is just the first time the bully was exposed.
• Respond to such incidents immediately. Look for patterns of behavior, try to find witnesses to the incident or people who have been bullied separately.
• Bullying patterns of behavior test everyone’s courage and skill, especially the leadership team. Set the standards by biting the bullet rapidly with bullying sales stars.
• Usually, the abuse builds to a crescendo, but then subsides temporarily - so you give it more time. Eventually, you’ll spend so much time focusing on repeated incidents, you’ll be exhausted. That is a tip-off:  The “cancer” has spread too far.
• After you act, you’ll be amazed at what surfaces. You’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg.  Over the next two to three months, you’ll hear many more stories of bullying and hear many sighs of relief.”
• Even though the leadership team is insulated from the worst of the pain, you have to lead the way in demanding civil behavior as well as productivity. You’re just following common sense.
• Test sales managers. It’s easy to talk theories, but decisions can get more difficult for a sales manager when facing a bullying star might mean unmet quotas, lost personal bonuses and more time and money training replacements. The longer managers cover things up or let situations go unresolved, the more credibility and influence they lose.  They look like enablers or collaborators. Eventually they will have to leave - along with the bully they’ve coddled and protected.
• Test the support staff manager and the “abused” individual. Courage is required to blow the whistle, since leaders usually favor sales stars.  Don’t throw fits; gather facts and document evidence of patterns.

You can’t precisely measure the negative effects of bullying on everyone’s productivity, but every time you remove one of those thorns, the benefits will be dramatic.

Even if sales take a temporary hit, morale and productivity will increase across the board. Company revenues will shortly overcome the loss of that particular bully’s sales.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop asking a bullying spouse for permission

Even after 30 years of marriage, Jane was angry at her bullying husband, Joe.  He just wouldn’t stop violating boundaries she was trying to set. For example:

• When she said she didn’t want to talk about something, he kept nagging her with probing questions.
• When she said she didn’t want to do things that offended her, he kept asking “why” and argued against every reason she offered until she finally gave in.
• When she wanted to do something he didn’t like, even though she could afford to pay for it with money she’d earned, he called it stupid, dumb, wrong and uncaring, and he ignored her requests to back off until she finally took the path of least resistance and didn’t do it.

Jane blamed Joe but her primary problem wasn’t him. Her real problem was her own rules, rules, beliefs and attitudes, which kept her stuck in his relentless harassment and control.

Joe is a relentless, narcissistic, manipulative control-freak.  He’d been that way all their lives.  Even though the children were now independent and Jane had her own money, she still gave into him.

She was still rewarding him, giving him a doggie treat every time he beat her into submission with his arguments or withheld his approval and permission.  She’d trained him to think he’d succeed because she’d given in for 30 years.

Some of her old, ineffective rules and beliefs were:

• If she was smart and reasonable enough, she’d win an argument and he’d give her permission to do what she wanted.
• She was selfish and guilty if she did what she wanted against her husband’s demands, commands and wishes.
• She needed his permission before she did what she wanted.
• She needed him to empower her.

She needed to free herself from her self-imposed slavery, her self-bullying.

After a long-sought for epiphany, Jane realized she could simply take power, whether he gave her permission or not.

She released her out-of-date, ineffective, childhood rules and decided to adopt new ones as an adult.  She’d stop playing her old games.

• She didn’t have to answer his questions. She’d been raised to think that a polite person always answered other people’s questions and the only way to avoid embarrassing subjects or unending interrogations was to convince the other person to stop asking those questions.  Now she’d simply look him steadily in the eye and not answer, or she’d say she wasn’t answering and walk away.  When he followed her with more questions, she’d simply ignore him and go about her business.
• She didn’t need to justify herself according to him. She didn’t need to prove herself or show she deserved.  She didn’t need his approval or permission.  Because she wanted or didn’t want, arrived at after due consideration, would be enough for her.  At the beginning, she’d be better off not giving reasons because, if she did, he’d think it was the old rules and he’d argue forever.  Later, she might say why she did something but it would only be for information, not to ask his permission or to make things acceptable to him.
• She let go of her guilt. What she wanted wasn’t bad or crazy.  That was enough for her.  She didn’t have to please him or submit in order to prove that she was a good person.
• She stopped thinking she had to please other people. Other people didn’t get to vote.  Instead, she’d test other people.  She wouldn’t allow people who repeatedly tried to get her to do what they wanted to get close to her.  Since what she wanted wasn’t bad or expensive, she’d let those who were comfortable with her come close to her.
• She decided that their children could choose to be thrilled and heartened by her new strength, courage and determination. They could be helped by her new example in their lives.  She’d maintain a distance from any who tried to manipulate or bully her into submission.  She didn’t need to justify or seek their permission either.
• She let go of being responsible for Joe’s behavior. She didn’t think he’d commit suicide; he wouldn’t want her to be free.  But even if he did, she wasn’t doing anything bad.  She wasn’t responsible if he was weak or dumb.

Did it work? Do you mean, “Did he change?  Did she finally submit again?  Did she divorce him?”  Does her case study really effect how you’ll create the rest of your life?  Do you want to create your life the way you hope it will be or must you first have evidence that your plan will bring you happiness.

Follow your bliss.  Even if you don’t get rich or some old friends or loves reject or abandon you, you’ll be living your bliss.  And you’ll attract new people who want to share your bliss.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Sometimes you can't 'fix' an unhappy employee

How do you develop credibility and support when quality staff are distrustful and holding back? Conventional thinking incorrectly puts the whole burden on you. But if you do your best for the whole company, consistently treat people decently, don’t hog the credit and spread the blame, and you’re not a liar or a looter, then don’t take the blame for lack of buy-in and don’t put out all the energy forever.

To read the rest of this article from the Nashville Business Journal, see: Sometimes you can't 'fix' an unhappy employee http://nashville.bizjournals.com/nashville/stories/2003/02/10/smallb6.html

The burden to be great managers and employees is on them.  Do they demonstrate their passion and productivity at your company?

You have three critical decisions in evaluating employees and managers who are holding back.  See original article for details

• Can the damaged bond between you (the company) and a particular manager or employee be saved?  Promote great participants – productive managers and staff who respond to you and your good efforts - and replace those who don’t participate.
• What can and cannot be fixed by great leadership style?  Great style can rally people for a while, but no amount of style can fix a structural problem or a person who will hate no matter what.
• If the bond can be saved and if the problem is not structural, what’s the best style?  Ignore conventional thinking about this month’s management fad.

Many different styles, including yours, can succeed if they fit the circumstances, tasks and needs/personalities of quality staff.

Think strategically.  Face the difficult questions.  Have your managers and staff face the same questions.  I always include staff so they’ll be crystal clear up-front about what’s expected of them, what buy-in or opt-out looks like, and how they’ll be judged.

Orient yourself appropriately, be trustworthy and see who responds. A great employee will do the work of two mediocre ones and give you fewer headaches.  Poor or distrustful employees don’t matter in the long run – you’ll replace them.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop a Critical Perfectionist in Your Family

Alice’s mother, Helen, was a critical perfectionist.  Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was done right; nobody could please her, no matter how hard they tried.  She’d been that way as long as Alice could remember and Alice had lived in fear of her mother’s attacks at least as long. There had been hundreds of incidents before, but the one that finally pushed Alice over the line was at Helen’s retirement from work when she was seventy.  Helen said she didn’t want a party.  Alice argued; seventy and retiring were big events, Helen deserved a big celebration, the family wanted to get together.  But Helen was adamant, so Alice gave in and made no plans.

The night before her retirement, Helen called Alice and asked when the big party was; she’d been given no details and Alice was a lousy daughter for not planning a party exactly the way Helen wanted.

Alice was stunned but managed to get her brain working.  Hurriedly she picked the following Saturday for the event.  Alice asked Helen who she wanted invited and what she wanted at the party.  Helen said that anything would do, she wasn’t picky.

Alice ignored a nagging feeling that she was being set up as usual.  She did her best.  She invited all the family and a few friends Helen had from work.  She organized a potluck.  On the big night, there was plenty of food and everybody seemed to have a good time.

The next morning her mother called Alice and started abusing her.  Nothing had been right at her party.  She’d invited all the wrong people, had all the wrong food, the party was too small and there was not enough praise for Helen’s long years of hard work.  Helen was mortified that Alice was such an incompetent and miserable hostess, and an uncaring, unloving daughter.

Because Alice had sought coaching previously, she was prepared.  Something in her snapped.  After all these years of submitting to her mother’s abuse, Alice had had enough.

She said she had a new rule when facing a bullying control-freak: just say “No.” No more hiding things and pretending; Helen was mean, nasty and no fun.  No more looking the other way; no more colluding or enabling Helen’s behavior.  No more planning for Helen.  If Helen wanted to see her, she’d have to stop that behavior immediately.  If she needed therapy, she should go get it.

Before Helen could interrupt, Alice went on.  She was not going to open herself to the usual abuse Helen heaped on her every year so her mother wasn’t invited to have Christmas with them.  Alice and her family were gong to relax and enjoy the holidays without any complaining, sarcasm or put-downs.  Then she said good-bye.

Alice immediately called everyone in the family and told them what she’d told her mother.  Of course, they knew how Helen had always been.  Now that a heroine had stepped forward, a few who had always submitted and endured Helen’s past behavior were willing to support Alice by agreeing with her in public and even telling Helen what they thought of her behavior.

With her own children and their families, Alice also insisted on a new family rule: When someone tries to do something nice for you, just say “Thank you.”

Of course, Alice was soon smitten with guilt and self-bullying.  She thought she’d gone too far and she really was ungrateful and unloving.  She’d expected those thoughts and had planned not to act on them.  She took a cold shower instead.  And she stuck to her plan.

It was scary for her to stand up for her own standards; to act in public like the person she wanted to be.  But she kept herself on track by remembering she was setting a good example for her children and their spouses.  Later, she was kept on track by the pleasure she felt when her children and some of her extended family started saying “thank you” instead of complaining.

Critical perfectionists come in all sizes and shapes, create hundreds of different situations and attack in many overt and covert ways.  Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

No-conflict workplace won't resolve problems. Anger goes underground when it's avoided

Dealing with conflict in corporate America is a problem of extremes.  Ineffective leaders either use confrontation and bullying as weapons to beat employees down, or they mandate conflict-free zones.  Both extremes suppress effective disagreement, drive opposition underground and create toxic environments. To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see: No-conflict workplace won't resolve problems:  Anger goes underground when it's avoided http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2003/09/01/smallb3.html

While bullying bosses are recognized problems, the cancerous effects of no-conflict zones usually fester unnoticed until they metastasize. In the quest to be respectful of people’s feelings, ineffective leaders have covered up problems or rushed to easy, token resolutions.  They have abandoned the most effective tools for creating innovation and improvement - challenge and opposition that promotes creativity and brings out the best efforts of worthy staff.  Conflict-avoidant managers cannot be effective leaders.

The problem is not disagreement; the problem is escalation – in either direction. The challenge for leaders is to find the sweet spot between the extremes.  The key to success is the fundamental agreement to use the opposing forces for the common good while preventing escalation.

One organization I worked with had decreed there would be no emotional responses or disagreement. Everyone was required to be calm, sweet, kind and reasonable in public.  Disagreement was hidden behind closed doors and, even then, had to be circumspect and cloaked in appreciation and praise.  There were very strict communication formulas, ostensibly so no one’s feelings would ever be hurt.  Not only were sticks and stones forbidden, but also honest words.

Typical of such poisonous situations, overt channels of responsibility, authority and accountability had become shams. A small clique of the most difficult and manipulative people used their hypersensitivity to control the organization behind the scenes.  The best games-players intrigued to make decisions in their own best interests.  Quality employees started leaving.

Apposition is a better word than opposition to describe passionate disagreement that promotes the greater good. Your opposable thumb and forefinger often appose by pushing against each other hard so you can pick up your pencil and get to work.  Apposition creates opportunity and promotes success.

If disagreement has been suppressed, the initial steps in transforming a toxic culture will seethe with emotion. Pay the price and move through the flare up.

You don’t need to initiate angry confrontations in order to be clear and firm about standards of productivity, quality or behavior.  But if the other person wants to start a fight or throw a fit, effective leaders learn to deal with emotionally charged interactions rapidly and effectively.

Conflict is nothing to be afraid of - appreciate and respect worthy opponents who bring out the best in both of you.

The best leaders seek areas of disagreement and challenge. Emotion, challenge and disagreement power the engine of leadership.  To drive success, moderate and direct that fuel appropriately.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to raise a weak victim

We love our kids.  We don’t want to see them suffer while they’re growing up and learning the life lessons we know they will need.  So we protect them from the consequences of their actions, their poor decisions, their innate laziness or their desire to feel superior. Also, we’re thrilled when they shine because they’re smart or athletic or budding comedians.

And that’s how we help spoil them and turn them into weaklings lacking character and grit.

Ramona’s son had always been the brightest kid around.  She was so proud that he’d never struggled through high school or college to get good grades.  She’d noticed that he avoided subject areas that were difficult; he got upset when he had to struggle with anything.  So she tried to be helpful by encouraging him to follow interests that were easy for him.

When she didn’t immediately cater to his every whim, he verbally abused her; he told her she was a rotten and incompetent mom.

Later, in law school, when he had to struggle a little, she noticed that he always blamed his difficulties on poor teachers, bad case presentation and other students who cheated.  He thought he was a victim of circumstances.  He never applied himself diligently.  Instead, he raged against them all and sometimes told them off in public.  His struggles were never his fault; his anger was always justified and righteous.

After he passed the bar exam, he couldn’t keep jobs at two prestigious law firms in a row.  He’d loudly and publically told off the managing partners because they hadn’t supported him enough.

He started his own practice but had problems getting and keeping clients.  He was too busy to keep good books so he never made a profit.  But he bought everything he wanted.  He wanted to abandon the whole affair and have his mother support him.  She was tempted to bail him out; she agreed with him that it wasn’t his fault.  And, she fantasized, if she kept helping him, he’d finally grow up, learn his lessons and be successful.

But a friend recommended a book that caused her to step back and examine the course she had followed with him for decades.  She saw, although she tried to avoid the bitter truth, that she’d helped him grow up weak and selfish.  He had developed no grit or character – no inner strength, resolve, determination, perseverance or resilience.  If things didn’t come easily to him, he raged against other people or forces that must be to blame for his suffering and failure.

What had Ramona done that encouraged any of his tendencies toward weakness?

• Whenever he refused to struggle, she accepted his excuses and justifications, and allowed him to think that his reactions were normal.
• When he had to overcome adversity in order to succeed, she took over and got him past the problem.  Then she allowed him to think that her help wasn’t important and he could have done it himself if he’d really wanted.
• When he yelled and bullied her because she didn’t do what he demanded or make things easy for him, she allowed him to think that she really was at fault and his temper tantrums were justified.  Indeed, she did feel guilty.

Ramona had participated by loving her son in the wrong way.

She’d helped him avoid struggle, sacrifice and self-discipline.  She’d helped him think he was entitled to easy and rapid success.  If it didn’t come that way, he thought it meant he was stupid and he was never going to admit that.

What could she do now?

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Managerial totalitarians sabotage their own success

Are you tolerating mid-level dictators in your organization – managers who are succeeding by bullying the people who work for them?  If so, you are buying short-term success at the cost of long-term failure. To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Managerial totalitarians sabotage their own success http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2003/11/17/smallb5.html

When you focus on driving sales, streamlining operational costs and increasing profit, you’ll tend to ignore almost any behavior that succeeds at organizational levels below yours.

You’ll even allow mid-level tyrants to verbally flog their crews as long as they get the desired results.  Then you’ll be mystified when today’s successful practices unravel next year.

Within a year after they’ve succeeded, managerial dictators sabotage their initial success by stifling creativity and differences of opinion, and by thwarting personal desires.

Repressed egos, resentment, turf fights, backbiting and resistance come to the fore.  Verbal bullying no longer increases morale, wounds are opened in public, and once-proud allies start pointing fingers as performance and teamwork fall.

To maintain productivity and profitability gains, company officials need to recognize abusive behaviors and develop corrective actions to reform or eliminate these tyrants.

Some common traits of mid-level bullies: - See the original article for details.

• They think that anyone who doesn’t see that they know best is a jerk.
• Talking with them isn’t a discussion; it’s an argument.
• They treat subordinates and peers with distain and contempt.
• Nothing bad is ever their fault and, “If only those people wouldn’t screw up, we could succeed.”  Every success results from their ideas and work.
• They’re nitpicking masters of blame and righteous indignation.
• They often ridicule and undermine leaders’ intelligence and authority.
• They think they shouldn’t have to answer to anyone who doesn’t agree with them.
• Their units may fill their quotas but will obstruct other departments’ efforts so the overall project suffers.

Recognize the overlooked costs of their behavior: - See the original article for details.

• Initial success isn’t maintained and new initiatives are sabotaged.
• Personal squabbles spread and consume too much company time and energy.
• Supervisors don’t learn effective leadership skills; they’re promoted because they stroke the dictator’s ego and verbally beat their own crews.
• Since they play favorites, employees may sue.
• Abuse, resistance and mutiny spread to their staff and other departments – decreasing productivity throughout the company.
• The best, most creative employees in all departments leave.  Former employees badmouth the company in the small community of your industry.

Some steps to change their behavior: - See the original article for details.

Petty tyrants often rise because they succeed.  Their force of will and skill do make some other people work harder.  They’re difficult to change because they think they’re smarter than anyone else, and their fear, anger, training and stylistic habits are powerful.

If you allow managers to act like petty tyrants, the buck stops at your desk.  Either you agree with that behavior, or they hid it from you, or you were too busy focusing elsewhere or you accepted it because it produced results.

Usually they must be forced to change.  Help them see that another way can be successful, that they won’t lose respect or rank, and that they can still feel in control.  Make them see that if they don’t change, they’ll be released.

Behaviors demonstrating progress: - See the original article for details.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

We can't stop bullying if being liked is more important

Of course, we want people to like us, especially those who are close like our parents, children, extended family, friends and co-workers. But we won’t be able to stop bullying if being liked is more important than setting behavioral standards in our environment.  In fact, there are people we actually want NOT to like us.

Think through everyone you know:

1. Who do we want to like us and for what reasons? We think of this category easily.  We want our loved ones to like us because we’re being us, and we hope they’ll be nice to us in return because they like us.
2. Who don’t we care what they think about us? We usually don’t think of this group, but we don’t take it personally when a drunk doesn’t like our clothes or an ignorant personal gives medical or car repair advice or a real jerk doesn’t like our opinions.
3. Who do we want NOT to like us and why? We usually don’t think like this but try it.  Who do we know that they’d only like us if we did what they wanted, which would mean violating our spirits.  Growing up during World War II, I always had examples of Hitler, Stalin and Mao.  For them to like me I’d have to be silent or applaud when they killed people.  But there are smaller and closer examples: co-workers who’ll like us if we didn’t report them embezzling; extended family members who’ll like us only if we allow them to continue beating or molesting children; toxic parents who’ll like us only if we take their abuse; selfish and demanding teenagers who’ll like us only if we give them everything they want to be entitled to; friends who’ll like us only if we allow them to scapegoat other people; spouses who will like us only if we accept their harassment, control and brutality.

Behavioral standards are more important than whether someone likes us.

I hope it’s clear and straightforward, even if it’s not easy.  We’ll never stand up to bullies if we want them to like us.  In order to protect ourselves and our loved ones we must stand against them.  And they won’t like us.  Well, that’s a good reason to be not-liked.

Many people think they’re being tested by everyone else and mostpeople decide they’re okay if they’re being liked.  Instead, go through the world testing everyone else.  Do they act decently?  Do they want us to violate our standards in order to give them something?

Allow only those people who help raise both our behaviors into our personal environments.  Following Rabindranath Tagore’s quote, I think of our “Isle of Song.”  Only people whose behavior is worth my liking can get on my Isle of Song.

But if I don’t care whether I’m liked or not, how will I improve my behavior? Of course, I’m not suggesting that we act like uncaring jerks.  I’m just selective about whose opinion matters and what they’re standards are for liking or not.  We can watch ourselves and listen carefully to feedback from discerning people.  And we can do better without agonizing over whether we’re liked by jerks…or by worse people.

We usually focus on the risks of not being liked when we think of protesting in order to protect and defend ourselves and our loved ones.  There might be consequences, depending on the circumstances, so we must think strategically in deciding what to do.  But we must not allow ourselves to be violated just because we want to be liked by the wrong people.

The greater risk is always in allowing ourselves to be bullied or brutalized.  Actually there’s no risk in allowing that violation.  Instead, there’s a guarantee that eventually the bullies with take our liberty, our freedom and everything we value most.  Eventually, we’ll lose our souls.

More important than being liked is being the hero of your life!

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Why entrepreneurial founders can founder later as company leaders

Different management skills are required to succeed in different situations.  The dilemma that creates for many successful entrepreneurs and managers is that the very qualities that made them successful eventually thwart further growth. Do you recognize someone who has reached their ceiling because they continue to rely on styles that have now become ineffective?

To read the rest of this article from the Washington Business Journal, see: Why entrepreneurial founders can founder later as company leaders http://washington.bizjournals.com/washington/stories/2004/02/02/smallb2.html

Here are five examples of behaviors that help entrepreneurs succeed at first but thwart next steps of growth – See the original article for details.

1. They won’t take “no” for an answer.  They insist that everything get done their way.
2. They have to be the center of all activity.
3. They insist on making all the rules ... as they go along.  Even when they’re wrong, they still won’t listen to advice.
4. They act like fighter pilots - crisis management.
5. Insisting on doing it their way drives away many competent, creative and responsible employees.

Like them or not, those methods are usually necessary for success when the entrepreneurs are founding their companies.  As long as founders have the energy to do everything and make the right decisions, their companies can stay small and afloat.  But they can’t rely on the same qualities to make the jump to the next level of organization or profit.

This illustrates a truism often ignored by management gurus.  No particular style guarantees success.  What’s effective in one situation is often problematic in another and vice versa.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop bullying: The "no-karma divorce"

I saw a wonderful book title, the “Good Karma Divorce,” by Judge Michele Lowrance and I want to share what I’ve learned through long experience guiding people through “no-karma divorces.” Let’s consider the easy situation – no young kids or a joint business involved.  If you have those added degrees of difficulty, the guidelines and strategy are the same, but you’ll have to develop different tactics to fit your specific situation.

If two people work together amicably to divorce and then work at getting along afterward, it’s easy to have a no-karma divorce.  But what if one person is done with the way the intimate relationship has been while the other person wants to fight to keep the same old patterns going?

Jane knew soon after she married Joe that her husband was not the man she’d dated.  He began to be weak and inept.  She had to do all the physical labor to keep the house clean, the mental acrobatics to keep them solvent despite his spending on his toys and also the emotional work to keep him happy so he wouldn’t get depressed, angry and even more useless.  In addition, he became mean, nasty, sarcastic, controlling and blaming.  Everything had to be done his way or he’d sulk, blow up and verbally attack Jane.

In the beginning, Jane didn’t think of leaving.  She felt stuck; she was pregnant, she’d been raised to be a people-pleaser and she had promised to obey him all her life.  She kept thinking that it was her duty to do all the work and that if she was a good enough wife and mother, he’d be the nice person whom she’d dated.

So she stuck it out – year after year, baby after baby, decade after decade.  But no matter what she did, Joe never got better.  In fact he got worse – more negative, manipulative, passive-aggressive and abusive.

Now that their four kids were grown and independent, she felt more free to act.  Her spirit was crying out to her.

Since Joe will blame her, harass and fight with her all the way and try to take everything he could in order to retaliate, what can Jane do to have a no-karma divorce?

1. Jane accepted that she can’t please Joe unless she violates her own spirit by staying with him. Well, he was never really happy with her anyway.  But she can still leave in a no-karma way.
2. Jane adopted a mantra: Don’t argue, don’t blame, don’t explain, don’t justify, don’t defend, don’t seek his permission. Answer “why” questions once or twice and then move on.  When he tries to start an argument, just leave.  When he says she has to tell the grown kids that she’d changed and it’s her fault and she’s probably having an affair, tell him, “I’ll tell them my truth.  I have changed.  I’m leaving because I just got tired of putting up with your behavior.  I won’t stay and take your bullying any longer.  I’m not having an affair.  I just want to do better with the rest of my life.  I’ll love the kids always and we’ll figure out how to have a great life and great times together even though one of their parents doesn’t want to put up with the behavior of the other one anymore.”
3. Jane saw a lawyer and made a plan. She thought, given Joe’s behavior for more than three decades, she had to do this in secret before telling him that she wanted a divorce – no, that she was going to divorce him.  She made an inventory of all the money and things they had.  She learned what to do if he threatened her or physically abused her.  She didn’t give up most of their money and stuff, and go free but penniless and become a burden to her kids in order to assuage her guilt.  She analyzed what she thought was a fair distribution of stuff – close to 50/50.  Then she let her lawyer negotiate with his.
4. She told Joe she as going to divorce him and she had to repeat it a number of times. She let him blame her, but when he started to rant and bully her, she asked him to leave until he could calm down or she left for a while.  She knew he’d need emotional time.  He knew how much they’d fought but he never expected her to leave.  He thought she’d take it forever.  She had to screw up her courage and determination in order to proceed.  She also had to commit – no guilt, no blame.  She decided that there was no going back, even if he pleaded.  She made cue cards to carry and read to him that were her standard answers to his questions and accusations.  Using different color cards, she wrote quotes or advice to herself that she could read to strengthen her resolve when she felt herself wavering.
5. She prepared herself for Joe to try to manipulate the kids to be on his side and to coerce her to stay with him. She guessed that some would agree with him and do his bidding, while others wouldn’t.  No-karma meant that she remained calm and truthful as she explained to them why she needed to leave in order to have a chance of creating the future her spirit wanted.  No matter what happened, she’d keep reaching out to them – give them and their children birthday presents, holiday gifts, regular letters and calls.  She hoped that someday, when they’re older, they’d understand.  She cried to herself when some exclude her from their lives.  After telling Joe, Jane told the extended family what she was doing.  She didn’t ask them what they thought or for their permission.  She didn’t discuss family dynamics and whose fault it as.  She understood that no one else got to vote.
6. She took care of her body and spirit through the emotional and physical ups and downs. She had to face her fears – “I’m a bad person” or “He’ll kill me or he’ll kill himself and it’ll be my fault” or “I’m weak and I’ll never survive without him” or “Everyone will hate me and I’ll end up alone and broke.”  She knew she’d have to deal with her own emotional upheaval.  Divorcing him meant that she’d destroyed a life-long dream.  She’d changed the whole structure of her universe that had lasted for decades.  The marriage and family had been the gravitational center of her old world.  Now there was a void.  Everything had to be shifted around; she had to create a new universe with herself and her spirit’s desires at the center, and also include her children and grandchildren.  That would be difficult and take time, but she’d simply have to live through the turmoil.  She got an expert coach to help her stay on track and to plan her next steps.
7. She clarified to the kids, her family, his family and their friends, the behavioral standards she had to have in order for people to get close to her. She realized that she was testing them just as they were testing her.  She reminded her children that she wanted to have an adult relationship with them now, while she was being a great grandmother to their kids.  She decided which events she wanted to attend and which she’d avoid.  With her family she made plans for the weekly events with her grandchildren and for yearly holidays and vacations.  She also brought up the big public events like graduations, weddings and funerals.  She was clear.  She’d always be civil, polite and cheerful with Joe on occasions where they’d be together.  But she wasn’t going to be friends with Joe anymore.  Divorcing him meant that she’d no longer be involved in his daily doings or his emotional life.  She would be friendly, but not friends.  She would not enable or rescue him physically or emotionally, and she would not call on him even if she felt needy.  That’s how she’d avoid any karma.

For Jane, no-karma meant keeping calm, steady and on-track despite Joe’s provocation.  And when she did react, she didn’t wallow in self-bullying but forgave herself and got back to how she wanted to Be and act.  She wasn’t going to take his attacks personally.

Jane was able to maintain herself; nothing stuck to her and she emerged from the turmoil with no karma.

For different tactics, see the case study of Jean in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.  Also, I’ve seen the same difficulties when it’s the husband wanting to divorce a controlling wife, or partners splitting up.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.