Although each situation is different, bullies exhibit common styles, techniques and patterns. These commonalities enable us see what responses are ineffective and also to develop responses that are effective to stop bullying. Whether in relationships, by our own children’s temper tantrums or nastiness, by false friends, at school or in the workplace, there is one rule of thumb that’s critical in order to stop bullies: Don’t suffer in silence.

For some relationship examples, see the comments to the articles:

Too many women see the early warning signs of bullying and abuse, but ignore them. They feel the jealousy, the control, the verbal and physical abuse, and the isolation. They’re criticized, chastised, belittled and demeaned endlessly. Their money is taken away. Their children are brutalized. Often, the sons imitate their father’s behavior. Often, the girls grow up to think that such harassment, bullying and abuse are normal, and they should be prepared to accept it when their turn comes. And yet, these women stay and suffer in silence. Often, they say they love the bully. They don’t make the critical step of saying, “That’s enough. I’m gone or you’re gone.”

Of course, women can inflict the same punishment and pain on their spouses.

At school, too many kids suffer in silence also. Often, kids are physically intimidated into silence. Often, kids are too ashamed to reveal their guilty secret or they don’t think their parents can or will help. Often, they accurately see that principals, teachers, counselors and psychologists won’t help them. Often, they think it’s their fault; they must be doing something wrong or they must be bad people in order to attract so much taunting, teasing, harassment and brutality. Often, other kids pile on physically, verbally and by cyberbullying.

Kids’ silence prevents effective action from the principals and teachers who would protect them.

As parents, we must learn to recognize the signs that our children might be subjected to bullying and abuse. Sometimes, we must pry the truth out of our reluctant kids. Sometimes, we must check their phones, computers and social websites. Sometimes, we must investigate with parents of their friends or with teachers. Sometimes, we must learn to force reluctant principals to act, even though that might violate our old beliefs or values.

Do-nothing principals promote, collude and enable bullies to flourish in the dark. Do-nothing principals and teachers are a major factor in student suicides

In all cases, we must not be passive; instead we must respond. Suffering in silence inevitable leads people to feel like victims; helpless and hopeless.

We already know that minimizing or ignoring relentless bullies doesn’t stop them. We know that trying to understand, forgive, appease, beg, bribe, be nice or reason with real-world bullies doesn’t stop them. The Golden rule doesn’t stop these ignorant, insensitive or narcissistic predators.

I’m not going into the many reasons that targets suffer in silence. We don’t need a scientific study to analyze all the reasons. If we and ten friends make a list, we’ll cover more than 90% of the reasons. So what?

What’s important is that whatever our reasons are, we already know we must overcome them. We must act despite our feelings of reluctance. Just like we wouldn’t be swayed by bullies’ excuses and justifications, we can’t give in to our self-bullying ones.

We must develop the will to stop bullying. I think of the will as the engine that gives us the power to go where we want to go. The engine is the will to do whatever it takes to stop bullies – determination, courage, mental and emotional strength, perseverance, resilience, endurance, being relentless. The old word, still perfectly good, was grit.

Of course, we need skills – learning how to steer. But without an engine, all our skills, all our ability to steer, won’t matter. Without an engine we won’t get anywhere.

Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t whine or complain; speak up. Give yourself a chance. Test the world: Who’ll help you and who won’t. That tells you about them and whether you want to vote them off your island.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps. We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Recently, I’ve seen articles and heard parents saying that since words can hurt, we shouldn’t deny our children what they want or ever say, "No" to them. They think that if we deny them or say "No", we’ll damage their confidence and self esteem. But if we give them continual praise and approval, we’ll help them develop high self-esteem and a willingness to take risks. Some studies are even quoted about the harmful effects of the words parents use. I disagree with that advice and parenting style.

Of course words matter; and even more important is how they’re delivered – frequency, voice tone, body language and with beating or caressing.

Of course, unrelenting yelling, insults, criticism, humiliation, shame, guilt, dismissing, ridicule and rejection are harmful. Personal insults hurt little children. Hostility and personal attacks tell children that they are bad people for wanting what they want or for doing something wrong or for not doing something right. It’s easy for children to think their identity is damaged, defective or blemished in ways that cannot be rectified.

A few days ago, I saw a chilling video made at a car wash. A mother was holding the arm of an approximately 3-4-year-old child while torturing her with the power washing hose. The child was screaming in pain and writhing to break free. The mother was screaming that the child had better respect her. Of course, we don’t need research to tell us that’s lousy parenting and abuse.

Such unrelenting viciousness isn’t confined to parents; it’s also dished out at work. It’s as if some people really believe the motto attributed to Captain Bligh of the “Bounty:” The beatings will continue until morale improves.”

Don’t live a life fueled by such anger and viciousness. Weigh your life heavily toward approval, encouragement and praise. After all, children naturally want to learn, explore and imitate their loving parents. Maintain control of yourself during moments when your frustration might break out into emotional abuse and intimidation, or verbal and physical violence.

Create a background of loving physical and verbal caresses for all your interactions with your children. Against that background, it’s critically important that you correct, deny and say "No" sometimes. Don’t give children everything they want. Set age-appropriate limits on their behavior. Teach them how to get along socially.

Most important: Teach them that they can be denied and be told "No", and the world doesn’t end. Their lives go on just fine without getting everything. Maybe they’ll get what they want another day. Or maybe, they’ll have to grow up and earn the money to get what they want for themselves. Or maybe, as they grow older, they’ll become more aware of the consequences of what they want and they’ll learn to not want it. That’s called self-discipline, character and integrity.

If you never say "No", you end up with spoiled, selfish children like Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

Teach them to be resilient so a "No" doesn’t crush their spirits. Then, denial doesn’t stop them from ever wanting or asking again and a "No" isn’t emotional abuse and doesn’t cause emotional damage.

Teach your children what’s safe and unsafe, what’s right and wrong, what’s worthy and not good enough, what’s honorable and dishonorable. Without your guidance, TV will teach them.

Some people still have scars because of what their parents said and did repeatedly. And, of course, some have more and deeper scars. But let’s be clear. All of us ultimately have the same task: to get over our childhoods and create better lives for ourselves and our children. Whether the scars were caused by parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, teachers, school bullies or rotten strangers, the task is the same. How can we do that? I always look to the people who had it worst: The ones who survived genocidal wars, prison camps, slavery. How do they look at themselves and the world that they can still laugh and sing and dance and love? And it’s our job to become like them also.

In addition, we can now resist the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual attacks by spouses, co-workers and bosses. We can now resist putdowns and bullies; we can now reject their opinions or fight back. We must now train our own memories and fears: The future does not have to be as bad as the past was. Otherwise we become adult victims to what they did to us when we were children.

Don’t let those ruin the rest of your life. Grow up. They might have been in charge of the past, but you’re in charge of the future.

History is not destiny.

To Stop Bullies, Don't Suffer in Silence

How to correct your children and say "No" to them