If you think your company keeps you from advancing appropriately, you’re not alone. But even if your organization’s leadership isn’t clear or doesn’t play fair, the responsibility for rising is yours. For example, at a particular company many managers often complained about the reasons their company hadn’t encouraged their promotion to leadership positions.

To read the rest of this article from the Business Journal of Jacksonville, see: To move up, be willing to take risks, responsibilities http://www.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2005/12/26/smallb2.html

But all their explanations revolved around their fear and hesitancy. They blamed eternal circumstances, they were waiting for someone else to make their paths simple and easy, and they took no individual responsibility.

But external conditions are not the problem. Conditions may be difficult or easy, but the problem is always in the individual.

One of the managers, Dave, had an epiphany: He was the problem. His boss had said the same thing during their mentoring sessions. His boss had said that Dave had passed the first test – he was competent and the boss could trust his numbers.

Next, his boss wanted to know if Dave had enough ambition and courage to take the initiative for his next steps; to speak up professionally at meetings, to risk being corrected and to learn in public.

There was no clear and specific list of stepping-stones for promotion, like there was when Dave was learning technical skills and was told exactly what would be on each test and how the test would be given.

This was the real world. Tests were frequent and came without warning. People didn’t play fair and there were winners and losers.

Also, Dave would have to deal with the way things are, not how he wants them to be. For example, if Dave had hurt feelings in a hostile interaction with his boss, Dave would have to rebuild the bridge between them. His boss wouldn’t approach him to make Dave feel better.

His boss could help him, but the ultimate responsibility for success would lie with Dave. Was he willing to struggle and learn to play the game?

The fact is that path to advancement is never risk-free. You will get your wrists slapped in public. But if you never take those risks, you won’t advance.

As Wayne Gretzky said, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.” In order to advance, Dave would have to impose his ambition and will on himself in order to overcome his fear and hesitancy.

What happened to Dave? You may be expecting me to say that Dave’s real name is Sam Walton or Bill Gates.

No, Dave is simply Dave. But he succeeded in his first steps. He’s ambitious: he got help and took the responsibility and risk, and he has been promoted.

Often, people need coaching to help them overcome their hesitancy and self-bullying, and to build the strength, courage, determination and skill needed to take the right risks in a way that increases their chances of success. To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

PostedSeptember 2, 2012

AuthorBen Leichtling

CategoriesCoaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book

CommentPost a comment

I attended a wonderful presentation on cyberbullying and sexting by an officer from a local police department. The question came up about spying on our teenagers’ phones and computers: “Do our teenagers have a right to privacy?” That was followed by the question: “If we spy on our teens, how can they consider us friends? They’ll never open up to us. Won’t that thwart our efforts?” Let’s distinguish between two types of threats to our teenagers:

Adult predators who lure them and groom them – whether to exploit them or to gain personal, family information to use against their parents.
Other teens who will slam them, cyberbully them and share sexted pictures.

Although most parents worry about the first situation, most kids worry about the second or will blow it off as “Drama.” But the answer is the same in either case.

My answers to the big questions about privacy are essentially the same as that officer’s:

Teenagers have no privacy. I want us to know what our kids are doing so we can help them. We’ve been there and done that and have more wisdom, even though they don’t think so. If we don’t have wisdom, we should make learning a first priority.
As long as they’re dependent on us and we’re responsible for them, we must know. They may be more technically savvy but we can learn enough. That’s what our friends are for.
There are values more important than that they like us. Some of these are that we protect them (even from themselves) as best we can and that they know there are limitations and boundaries they must obey. Of course, I hope they understand. But even if they don’t understand – especially when they think it’s not fair or they can take care of themselves – those are the “house rules.”

We hope that much of this can be preventative. Wouldn’t we like to stop our daughter before she sends a nude photo to a boyfriend? We can say, “How many of your friends’ parents are still with the boyfriends they loved forever way back in middle and high school?” How many of your friends’ parents were viciously attacked by their ex’s when they broke up? How many of your friends’ parents were harassed, taunted, bullied, abused and mobbed by people they used to be friends with?

Wouldn’t we like to know if our kids are being pressured to be bystanders instead of witnesses? Or if they know there’s mobbing and they’re being tempted or pressured to pile on?

In addition, of course, we can be alert to the first signs of cyberbullying. Have they withdrawn or stopped eating, being with friends, or wanting to go to school? Have they become emotionally labile (mood swings, happy, crying, excited, depressed, angry, hysterical all in 10 seconds)? Do they engage in negative self-talk and put-downs? Do they lack self-confidence and self-esteem? Are they changing everything in order to get friends or please boy or girlfriends? Are they anxious, stressed, not sleeping?

When they accuse us of not trusting them, we already know the answers:

It’s not about trust; it’s about experience, wisdom and safety.
They’ve hidden, lied and deceived us before and will do so again. Of course we don’t trust them, just like our parents shouldn’t have trusted us.
It’s about which risks we’ll allow them to take and which we won’t.

When they insist that they’re old enough to make their own decisions, we also know the answer to that: “When you’re capable of supporting yourself and living independently, then you’re old enough to be responsible for yourself.

As for their opening up because we’re their friends; how many of us opened up to our parents – or would have if they tried to be our friends? We thought we could or had to solve things on our own or we knew better than to open up.

Whether we physically check phone and computer logs or we also use spyware, we must take the initiative. If they don’t like it, they don’t need a phone. Also, we should take steps to find out about their friends and what their friends’ parents allow or encourage.

Unfortunately, too many examples can be found in the headlines of what happen when parents don’t know what their teens are doing.

I’m not suggesting we become the thought-police or “Big Brother.” There’s no need to go overboard.

How many cyberbullying-caused suicides does it take before we start acting like responsible parents and ferret out what’s going on? We can’t force reluctant principals to act unless we know what’s going on. We can’t get law enforcement to act unless we know what’s going on.

You might also check the Verizon cyberbullying site for more information: Verizon Expert Panel, #1, “Understanding and Preventing Cyberbullying:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeXCT8I4uFU&feature=relmfu

Verizon Expert Panel, #2, “When does rude cross the line, online:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzuguaf-hlU&feature=channel_video_title

Verizon Expert Panel, #3, “Is your child being cyberbullied?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZKNgh3_ZjA&feature=relmfu

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps. We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

PostedNovember 20, 2011

AuthorBen Leichtling

CategoriesBullies at School, Coaching, cyberbullying, parenting, Stop Bullies Book

Tagsabused, adult, angry, anxious, attacked, boundaries, boyfriend, Bullied, Bullies at School, bullying, Bystanders, Coaching, computers, confidence, crying, cyberbully, cyberbullying, daughter, deceived, decisions, dependent, depressed, drama, eating, emotionally, esteem, excited, experience, exploit, family, force, friends, happy, Harassed, hysterical, important, independently, initiative, lied, limitations, mobbed, mood, negative, nude, obey, parents, personal, phones, photo, physically, pictures, police, predators, Presentation, pressured, preventative, principals, priority, privacy, protect, reluctant, responsible, right, risks, safety, self-esteem, self-talk, sexted, sexting, signs, skill, sleeping, solve, spy, spying, spyware, stop, stressed, suicides, swings, taunted, teenagers, teens, tempted, threats, trusting, understand, values, Verizon, viciously, wisdom, withdrawn, witnesses

2 CommentsPost a comment

Harry defended himself by saying that he was following rules he’d heard in training: to increase teamwork, bring people together often; review production in your group often so you can keep people on track; give immediate feedback in public so everyone can learn from one person’s mistakes. But Harry is a micromanager. Instead of making things better, he made them worse. He created frustration and dissention and stifled his staff’s initiative.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: Micromanagers just don’t know when to let up http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/print-edition/2010/10/29/micromanagers-just-dont-know-when-to.html

Micromanagers rarely have enough time for the important tasks. They’re too busy managing the minutiae. Of course, good managers make sure important tasks are done right. But micromanagers think everything is a priority. They can’t distinguish between what’s crucial for them to be doing with their own hands and what’s a waste of their time. They’re usually nit-picking perfectionists with all-or-none thinking.

Micromanaging is usually driven by narcissism and fear. Harry thought he was the only one who knew how to do things right. He was afraid that if he let others forge ahead, they’d fail and his career would be derailed. Also, he was afraid that if he gave his staff freedom, someone might outshine him.

Breaking the micromanaging habit is difficult. Typically, as in Harry’s case, understanding when and why he developed the habit didn’t change his behavior.

But there was a way Harry’s manager could eliminate the high cost of Harry’s addiction to low attitudes. She could help him change his behavior.

All tactics are situational. Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Harry defended himself by saying that he was following rules he’d heard in training: to increase

teamwork, bring people together often; review production in your group often so you can keep people on

track; give immediate feedback in public so everyone can learn from one person’s mistakes.

Post #156 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/

Post #194 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop workplace bullies who beat you up with the rules http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/12/stop-workplace-bullies-who-beat-you-up-with-the-rules/

But Harry is a micromanager. Instead of making things better, he made them worse. He created frustration

and dissention and stifled his staff’s initiative.

Post #190 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Be wary of these business animals http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/27/be-wary-of-these-business-animals/

To move up, be willing to take risks, responsibilities

Do Our Teenagers Have a Right to Privacy?

Micromanagers just don't know when to let up