You can't make all employees happy -- and shouldn't try

I’m often asked to help leaders motivate employees because productivity, quality, attitudes and morale are low.  Leaders typically assume that unhappy employees are the problem, and making them happier – with team-building, money, perks or more involvement in decision-making - is the solution. That might seem like good sense but the answer doesn’t lie in accommodation, appeasement or consensus involving the most demanding employees.

To read the rest of this article from the East Bay Business Times, see: You can't make all employees happy -- and shouldn't try http://eastbay.bizjournals.com/eastbay/stories/2004/08/16/smallb6.html

The key isn’t being nicer; the key is leaders leading and followers following.

It’s true that many employees and managers will be more productive when they are treated the way they want.  But it’s equally true that many will enjoy their jobs only if they don’t have to be productive or evaluated honestly.  These people want to control every decision, put their feelings before work, be catered to and applauded for throwing temper tantrums.

Some examples of different leaders who got into trouble trying to be too nice.  For details, see the original article.

• The staff in one division of a company was unable to form three-person customer service teams because only 15 of 17 people wanted them.
• At another company, workers were allowed to interrupt senior leader meetings, rudely challenge any decision and make personal attacks on leaders.
• In an under-performing unit of a third company, a new supervisor evaluating a resistant and mediocre employee saw a five-year history of excellent reviews.

Lack of appropriate leadership at these companies created power vacuums that attracted negative, critical, unhappy and abusive people who wanted control.  Well-meaning leaders had perpetuated the lie that the best way to encourage employee productivity and professional growth was to placate them through sympathy, begging, bribery and allowing them to act out.  These cultures were self-described as “employee centered, caring, consensus and win-win.”

A key initial step in solving the problems was seeing them as cultures of entitlement, appeasement and rule by petulant, demanding “children.”

The workplace is not a therapeutic environment.  Companies do not exist to make us comfortable and happy, or give unconditional approval.  If your feelings are hurt by honest, professional evaluations, prepare for disappointment.  If they’re hurt by differences in responsibility and authority between leaders and followers, become a leader.

We don’t get to vote on everything.  We can’t force everyone to treat us the way we want.  We get rewarded for productivity and success.  We often have to suck it up and be productive when we’d rather not.

Ultimately, companies are in business to make a profit.  Well-meaning leaders who work too hard at being nice, caring people can find themselves carrying 100 percent of the burden to please the most hostile, demanding employees who aren’t contributing to the success of the organization.

Consensus leadership and flat hierarchies are fads that are finally beginning to pass.  They are simply not efficient or effective enough to succeed.

Leaders lead by determining direction, establishing goals and expectations, and judging employees by performance.  Leaders don’t have to be bullies or ogres.  Of course, listening to employees can be a great asset.  But, in the end, leaders are responsible for leading the way so employees can follow.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Will being nice and caring stop school bullies?

I’ll start right off with the bottom line: being “nice” and “caring” won’t help kids stop relentless school bullies. Why not?

I’ve been interviewed a lot on radio and TV.  But when I ask those interviewers how they stopped bullying when they were kids, almost all the women say they were never taught how to stop bullies.  Instead, their well-meaning moms told them:

• Bullies have a hard life so we should have sympathy for what they’re going through and how low their self-esteem must be.
• Don’t sink to the bully’s level by fighting back.  You have it easy so you should rise above the bullies.
• If you’re nice enough, kind enough and loving enough, bullies will respond by being nice in return.
• You should never push back – verbally or physically.  If you push back, it means you don’t care.
• Violence is morally wrong and violence never solves anything.  They cite Mahatma Gandhi as someone who stopped the British without pushing back and by preaching tolerance and love.

All these women now bear a grudge against their well-meaning mothers.  Those messages are all wrong.  These women learned the hard way that the way you identify relentless bullies is that “nice” and “caring” don’t convert them from predators to friends.

First, the statement about Gandhi is a complete misunderstanding of his tactics.  Applying ahimsa to relentless bullies is not a good comparison.  If Gandhi had tried his tactics against Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao or the founder of Pakistan, he wouldn’t have lasted ten minutes.

Second, violence was required to stop slavery, Nazism, Fascism and communism, to name just a few.

Third, you have to love yourself first.  Sometimes, the most caring thing you can do for someone who’s a jerk and a bully is to show them that their tactics don’t work.  They’d better learn new tactics.

Fourth, you can’t love relentless bullies enough to change how they treat you.  Ignoring, minimizing and “rising above” do not stop relentless bullies.  Appeasement, begging and bribery do not stop relentless bullies.

Fifth, you’re not the bully’s therapist; it’s not your job to rehabilitate them.  The adults have that responsibility, but only after they protect and defend the targets of bullying.

Appeasement is never effective with determined boundary pushers who always want more.  If you suffer in silence, if you whine, or if you advertise that you’re afraid bullies think you’re a victim waiting to be bullied.  If you are kind, bullies think you are weak.  They’ll continue to harass and abuse you.

Don’t waste time complaining about your society, the media, your parents, your friends, your school officials, or how hard it is.

It’s your job to protect and defend your personal space from predators.  It’s your job to make bullies a small part of your mental and emotional world so you can get on with your education and your life

You must be determined, courageous and strong in defending and protecting yourself – not because you deserve it, but because you want to, you have to.  “I want to” is more than enough reason to protect yourself.

You must learn how to push back verbally, to get help from school officials, your parents and the police, and to fight back when you have to and you can.

You have to succeed even though conditions haven’t been prepared perfectly for you.  Don’t starve while you’re waiting for someone else to set the table.  You have to overcome obstacles; it’s a sign of good character.

You may be a target; don’t be a victim!

What’s the price of tolerating bullies; slow erosion of your soul.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Don't tolerate or appease mutineers in the workplace

Do you have mutineers aboard your Ship of Business?  Can you distinguish mutiny from discussion and disagreement you encourage and can you skillfully quell it? To read the rest of this article from the Washington Business Journal, see: Don’t tolerate or appease mutineers in the workplace http://washington.bizjournals.com/washington/stories/2004/10/25/smallb5.html

Mutiny is resisting, rebelling and revolting against duly constituted authority.

The way Captain Bligh dealt with resistance on the Bounty – constant flogging – isn’t a good approach.  It ultimately leads to rebellion: They jump ship or put you over the side.

The opposite approach gives equally poor results: Nice managers tolerate resistance, sabotage, and poor performance while they beg, bribe and appease mutineers to buy in and produce.

For example: Sam was mystified because he couldn’t figure out how to convince his supervisee, Jack, to perform necessary and agreed-upon tasks.  For more details, read the complete article.

Sam was wracked with self-doubt.  Had he failed to communicate clearly; been too harsh with Jack; not been sensitive enough to Jack’s possible reasons for not wanting to train Amy?

No.  It was simply that Jack was trying to make his rules, rule.  Sam had encouraged mutiny to grow like a cancer in the months when he accepted Jack’s assumptions that, until he was interested in acting differently, Jack was entitled to:

• Refuse to train Amy.
• Act rude, disrespectful and insubordinate to Sam.
• Harass, bullying and abuse Sam.

Also, Sam had had accepted 100 percent of the responsibility to help Jack change his opinion.

The interactions that developed between Sam and Jack are similar to interactions between many parents and their children – parents who try to be their children’s “friends” and who assume that the best way to raise civil, strong, productive, responsible, mature adults is not to make them do anything until reason and persuasion have gained their understanding and acceptance.

Nonsense.  Parents provide encouragement, guidance and enforcement of clear boundaries of acceptable behavior – with immediate and predictable consequences for transgressions.  Children allowed to be the sole judges of the efforts they can make, usually become spoiled, weak, self-indulgent and irresponsible adults.

Ditto for adults in the workplace.  Sam was the duly constituted authority.  His primary task was not to be sweet, understanding and therapeutic; not to win Jack’s agreement and affection; and not to wait until Jack was willing to perform.  Sam’s task was to produce quality results, on time and within budget, and to hold Jack accountable for his part of that effort.

When Sam saw Jack’s resistance as mutiny, he finally told Jack that the responsibility for continued employment was Jack’s.  Jack’s primary loyalty must be to their mission and the performance and deadlines required.

One problem with the approach of reasoning, tolerating, appeasing, begging and bribing forever is that children won’t believe you when you begin to apply consequences.  That’s your fault.   You’ve already trained them to think that if they resist persistently, eventually you’ll give in.   When you finally try to suppress the mutiny they’ll either sabotage or react with shock, outrage and, sometimes, legal action,

Jack chose not to continue working in a company in which his rules no longer ruled.  In his exit interview, Jack admitted he never thought Sam would face his anger and carry through.  His parents had allowed him to act any way he wanted while they re-negotiated their requests.  He thought Jack would also.  Would your opinion of Jack change if you knew he wasn’t 22; he was 35?

If you don’t recognize and squash mutiny, it’ll grow unchecked until it sinks your ship.  Ask for what you want, you’ll get what you’re willing to tolerate.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

What to do when complaints are about a senior manager

Suppose your employees are grumbling about one of your senior managers, the director of a key department – he’s much too harsh and turnover is high.  What should you do? One option, the easy way out, is to ignore it.  This option may be especially appealing if productivity is decent, despite the grumbling.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Louisville, see: What to do when complaints are about a senior manager http://louisville.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2005/01/24/editorial2.html

But suppose you look deeper and the evidence is clear:  Your senior manager is a critical perfectionist.  He micro-manages with sarcastic criticism and put-downs, browbeats staff relentlessly, never gives compliments and hogs the credit and shovels the blame.  He harasses, bullies and abuses his staff.  Even long-term stars want out and productivity is merely OK.  Unhappiness has spread to other departments that have interacted with him.

You can still find easy explanations to avoid getting involved: You have other worries, there are no red flags on balance sheets, he treats you OK and he hasn’t thrown anything, hit anyone or blown up in public.  Employees always complain about hard-driving leaders and why open a can of worms?

Leaders who still gloss over these situations are merely conflict-avoidant.  They’ll ensure years of hard feelings, declining performance, scorn behind their backs and, eventually, increased costs to clean out a bigger cesspool.  Or maybe they think they’ll be long gone before it backs up to their door.

Another option is often chosen by leaders who think, “We’re all good people here. If we got together we’d agree on an effective compromise.”  They hope the politically correct approach of facilitated negotiation will manufacture a solution that works for everyone.

But in this situation that’s just a band-aid.  It won’t lead to long-term, productive change because the problem is a brutal manager, not a lack of understanding and acceptance of different styles within a reasonable range.

At this point, there’s little incentive for the senior manager to make consistent, lasting change.  During negotiations a lot of talk will happen, fingers will get pointed, people will get argumentative and defensive, hopes will get raised and dashed, and people will become even more polarized, antagonistic and litigious.  You’ve simply delayed a real solution and upped the pain and cost.

I recommend a third option: To give the problem manager a chance to turn things around and mend fences, give him an ultimatum - “change or else” - backed by short timelines, close monitoring, effective support for the changes you want him to make and repeated praise from you for any progress.

Get a coach-advisor the manager can respect, accept and trust.  He will need to learn a new managing style and new communication skills.  Expect stepwise progress as he learns whether his new approach can keep productivity, quality and kudos high.  Help him maintain leadership credibility by requiring training for the whole department hand having him participate.

How do you know when to quit dodging your responsibility and to use the third option? A truthful and global costing out is crucial.  See original article for details.

Take into account the effects of his behavior on:

• Productivity.
• Time spent by HR, staff and supervisors in all departments talking about incidents and dealing with complaints and hurt feelings.
• Effects on inter-departmental interactions.
• Transfer and turnover of good employees, especially outstanding young people who would be the next generation of leaders.
• Monetary and emotional costs of facilitated negotiations that fail.
• Costs for litigation, lawyers and buying silence from many employees.
• Lost respect for you and lost passion for your mission and goals, which will infect the organization.

You may have heard the expression, “People don’t leave organizations; they leave bad supervisors.”  That’s much too simplistic.

Once you have competitive benefits, great people leave bad environments – including poor supervisors, peers and coworkers, and systems that thwart accomplishment.  The most effective way of keeping the best employees and managers is setting high standards and standing up for them.

Remember, your leadership is on trial also.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop bullying by toxic teens

Many parents, especially single parents weighed down by guilt, allow themselves to be harassed, bullied and abused overtly and covertly by their teenagers who have finished high school and are physically and mentally fine.  They allow those big, toxic teens to hang out at home for free, doing nothing, while they wait on them and let the teens abuse them.  Unless the parents change, they’ll allow this behavior to last into their children’s twenties. No wonder these lazy, sullen, angry, sneering, sarcastic teenagers feel entitled.  Nothing bad ever happens to them when they trash the house, demand to be catered to and abuse their parents.

Tolerating bad behavior only enables it and encourages these teenagers to act worse.  No wonder these big brats don’t respect parents who don’t demand respect by having consequences when respect isn’t given.

These parents usually hope that if they’re nice enough to their abusive teenagers, someday the brats will like them and will wake up transformed.  The spoiled brats will then be as nice and polite as when they were little.  They’ll become self-supporting, hard workers.

This wishful thinking is wrong!

I’m not saying that the spoiled brats are bad people.  I am saying that permissive parents encourage kids to act out of the worst characteristics of their egos and personalities.  It’s always easier for these teens to sink down to the most lazy, selfish, self-centered, narcissistic parts of them.

These permissive parents are not setting high standards of polite and civil behavior.  Their expectations are too low.

Many of these permissive parents are secretly afraid that their big brats are too fragile to succeed, even though they’re mentally and physically capable.  They’re afraid that if they demanded good behavior and self-sufficiency, the teens will give up and fail.  Maybe, if they coddle them longer, they’ll change.  So they continue coddling and praying.

The same is true for brats who are juniors and seniors in high school.

Instead of giving in, assert yourself and protect your personal space, even against your precious flesh and blood.

1. Set standards of polite, civil behavior that are not up for debate.  Detail the standards and say that the list will be growing as you think of new ones.  Your bullying teen’s agreement or disagreement with the standards is irrelevant.  Stop negotiating endlessly over everything. Don’t let them wear you down in endless debates.  Your standards are requirements.
2. When they complain, keep saying, “That’s a real problem.  I hope you can solve it before you’re on the streets.”  You may make a suggestion one time, but after that, don’t accept responsibility for solving their problems.  Their difficulties don’t affect your applying consequences.
3. Have real and immediate consequences if your brat doesn’t live up to your standards.  Only have consequences you’ll actually apply. Your explosions, rage and threats are not consequences.  Most young adults think they’ve won when you’ve lost it.  They know you’ll feel guilty and relent.  Usually, effective, immediate consequences are that the big brat has to move out – no negotiation, no promises accepted. Performance counts; not promises.
4. See the grown kid as a “guest” in your home.  They have to behave like good guests or they can’t stay.  They have a choice: Behave and stay, or resist and leave.  It’s clear, straightforward and simple; just not easy for you.
5. Don’t give them a second chance; do the consequences you said.  Typically, since they’ve gotten away with being jerks for so, long they won’t believe you’ll really do anything.  So, they’ll push the boundaries to test you – maybe doing something minor to see if you’ll really act. And they’ll have their reasons, excuses, justifications and promises.  Or they’ll attack you verbally or physically.
6. Be crystal clear: If they threaten or assault you or your possessions, you’ll call the police like you would on any vandal you didn’t know Document evidence and report them.

If they treat you mean, don’t let them stay with you simply by paying rent.  Let them try treating a landlord mean.

The more you’re smiling, even-handed and matter of fact as you throw them out, the better.  You have good reason to be happy; you’re getting back your peace, quiet and space.  The moment they leave, get rid of their stuff; convert their room into something you can use.

It will do them a world of good to try living with a friend’s family or even with a bunch of friends.

What if they say you’re a bad mom? You have to know who is wiser – you or a selfish, petulant, narcissistic 19 year-old.

What if their friend’s parents think you’re a bad mom? You know what you know.  Those parents just told you they can be conned by your kid and that he needed kicked out.  He’s still trying to manipulate people to give him things, instead of working for them.  Also, they just told you that you don’t want them as friends.

What if your baby has to live on the streets or fails at life? We can never know what might be.  But we do know that teens who don’t exert themselves, need to be kicked out of the nest.  It’s the only way they have a chance to learn how to fly

After you throw them out, define the new relationship you want. You get together with people who are fun, interesting and treat you nice.  If they’re willing to do that, you’d be glad to meet them at restaurants or movies, and even treat them sometimes.  Your needs and wants are at least as important as theirs.

Is this emotional and financial blackmail? Definitely; you bet.  What’s the problem?  This is real adult life.

Stop trying to teach them life’s lessons but do continue to plant seeds. They’ve already decided not to learn the lessons of life from you.  They’ll have to learn them the hard way – from the world.  Stop trying to teach those lessons.

Continue to plant seeds about what it takes to be with you:

1. “If you fail, it’s your fault; I won’t be accepting guilt for your failures anymore.  Your task is to create a wonderful future no matter how much you think everyone, especially, me, has wronged you.”
2. “You’ll get more from me by being nice than by trying to beat me into submission.  If you use anger or rage, I’ll automatically say ‘No.’”
3. “If you make things fun for me, if you bribe me, I’ll consider doing some of the things you want.”
4. “Now that you’re older than three, any authority and control over your life has to be earned by your being nice (or sucking up to me) or by your supporting yourself and living independently.  You’d better have a skill so you can get a job to pay for a car, insurance, an apartment and food.  Earn them and you’ll earn the right to be in charge of your life.”

Sixteen to twenty five year-olds need to stop trying to get what they want by beating their parents and start getting it from the world by their own efforts.

How do you feel when you see them living on your couch when they’re 42?

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Are parents liable for kids' school cyberbullying?

Teenagers do things behind our backs.  They hide things from their parents just like we did.  But suppose they’re involved in cyberbullying?  Even if they’re not the original perpetrator, suppose they simply get drawn in to pile-on? Are we liable when they’re cyberbullies?

Sometimes, people make nasty, sarcastic, critical remarks to a friend about someone else but they don’t expect it to get forwarded to everyone at school.  Lesson learned, I hope.

But how about our children being relentlessly nasty and vicious to everyone they don’t like on social networks?  How about if they tell people to kill themselves?

How about our children sending obscene remarks to lots of people under the name of someone they don’t like?  How about our kids asking people to pile on to call someone they don’t like obscene names?  How about our teenager setting up a fake Facebook page in the name of someone they don’t like, filled with altered pictures of the person, a fake history and rants about all the other kids at school?

About 50 percent of teens with internet access report having been bullied online.  About the same number report doing the cyberbullying.  More than one in three report having received cyber threats.  Only 10 percent of kids who are bullied tell their parents.  Only 15 percent of parents know what their kids doing online, especially on social networks.  Of course, these numbers are rough estimates, but in my experience, they’re low estimates.

If these things are done at school, schools will get involved.  What might a permanent record of these actions do to your teenager’s chance of getting a good job or getting accepted into college?

If the cyberbullying is done from our home computers, the school will probably not get involved.  But the police will.  And our liability as parents will be increased.

Notice, I didn’t approach cyberbullying as a moral wrong.  We grownups know that.  But how far would we go on moral grounds to stop cyberbullying by our children if that meant a pitched battle with angry teenagers.  They will object because we’re spying on them or we’re stopping them from joining some “in-crowd” they desperately want to belong to.

So I approached stopping cyber bullies by asking about our liability.

Suppose the bullied kids and their parents go to the police about our children as a cyber bullies?  Do we want the police coming to our door?  Do we want to defend ourselves by saying that we didn’t know?

Suppose the targets file a suit against our children and against us for damages?  Even if we win, how much money will the lawyers cost?  How will we stand the publicity on every television and newspaper in town?  Suppose it goes nationwide?

The lines of responsibility are in flux now because the area of law is so new.  We don’t know where a judge or jury might come down in our case.

Suppose the target of our children’s venom commits suicide or gets a gun to wreak vengeance?  Suppose we could lose our house in a civil suit?  Suppose we could go to jail?  Does that change our willingness to limit the freedoms our children want when they’re living in our home and using a computer we bought?

The bottom line is that we’re responsible for our children.  They live under our roofs.  We must know what they’re doing.  They don’t have privacy.

If we don’t set limits when they’re younger, they’ll grow up to be teens who think they can do whatever they want.  They’ll know they can wear us down if we try to limit them.  Even though we may pay the price.

If they’ve become teenagers already who think they’re entitled to do what they want, we’d better set boundaries before they do something that can ruin our lives as well as theirs.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Eliminate 'rattlesnakes' from office interactions

Do you carry a “rattlesnake” in your hand?  Was it thrown at you or did you grab it willingly?  Do you typically throw them at other people? The rattlesnake represents the responsibility to make something happen or to change in order to please somebody else.

To read the rest of this article from the Silicon Valley/San Jose Business Times, see: Eliminate ‘rattlesnakes’ from office interactions http://www.bizjournals.com/sanjose/stories/2005/10/03/smallb4.html

Some bosses hurl rattlesnakes downstream.  Some employees toss them upstream to make a supervisor responsible for satisfying them.

One problem is that people usually pretend there’s only one responsible party in any interaction, and they throw the rattlesnake at someone else in order to establish blame and responsibility.  On the other hand, some people gladly take all the rattlesnakes and let the other person off the hook – as if they feel guilty for any imperfection or they enjoy being martyrs.  Then they have the burden of coping with rattlesnakes forever because interactions continue escalating.

But, in most interactions, personal and business, there are usually many rattlesnakes.

For example, at a team meeting, Kathy got hurt and angry when Peter said he hadn’t gotten a necessary document from her.  She fought back tears, scowled, crossed her arms, clenched her fists and swiveled her chair so her back was to the group.  Peter said he was sorry – he hadn’t meant to imply that she was incompetent.

How many rattlesnakes were there and who had them?  See the original article for more information and assessment.

Another example: Ellen got straight to the point in her performance evaluation of Glenn – she was frustrated.  He was technically skilled but he resisted change and pushed back loudly and repeatedly in meetings about why the team couldn’t do what it needed to do.

Glenn told Ellen that he didn’t like her style of managing and evaluating.  He felt disrespected and threatened because she was brusque, and that’s why he got defensive.  Good management, he said, meant that Ellen should adjust her approach to the preferred styles of each individual in the group.

How many rattlesnakes were there and who had them?  See the original article for more information and assessment.

When it gets to the stage of anger, people focus on their emotions instead of the work that must be done.  Harassment, bullying and abuse inevitably follow.

You can start de-escalating by doing the natural things: Don’t throw rattlesnakes and if someone tries to hand you one, don’t take it.

Great leaders don’t allow rattlesnake-tossing contests; they’re just a waste of time and energy.

Often, people need coaching to help them overcome their defensiveness and passive-aggressive tendencies, and to build the strength, courage, determination and skill needed to stop angry confrontations and to emerge as the obvious candidate for promotion.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

To move up, be willing to take risks, responsibilities

If you think your company keeps you from advancing appropriately, you’re not alone.  But even if your organization’s leadership isn’t clear or doesn’t play fair, the responsibility for rising is yours. For example, at a particular company many managers often complained about the reasons their company hadn’t encouraged their promotion to leadership positions.

To read the rest of this article from the Business Journal of Jacksonville, see: To move up, be willing to take risks, responsibilities http://www.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2005/12/26/smallb2.html

But all their explanations revolved around their fear and hesitancy.  They blamed eternal circumstances, they were waiting for someone else to make their paths simple and easy, and they took no individual responsibility.

But external conditions are not the problem.  Conditions may be difficult or easy, but the problem is always in the individual.

One of the managers, Dave, had an epiphany: He was the problem.  His boss had said the same thing during their mentoring sessions.  His boss had said that Dave had passed the first test – he was competent and the boss could trust his numbers.

Next, his boss wanted to know if Dave had enough ambition and courage to take the initiative for his next steps; to speak up professionally at meetings, to risk being corrected and to learn in public.

There was no clear and specific list of stepping-stones for promotion, like there was when Dave was learning technical skills and was told exactly what would be on each test and how the test would be given.

This was the real world.  Tests were frequent and came without warning.  People didn’t play fair and there were winners and losers.

Also, Dave would have to deal with the way things are, not how he wants them to be.  For example, if Dave had hurt feelings in a hostile interaction with his boss, Dave would have to rebuild the bridge between them.  His boss wouldn’t approach him to make Dave feel better.

His boss could help him, but the ultimate responsibility for success would lie with Dave.  Was he willing to struggle and learn to play the game?

The fact is that path to advancement is never risk-free.  You will get your wrists slapped in public.  But if you never take those risks, you won’t advance.

As Wayne Gretzky said, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”  In order to advance, Dave would have to impose his ambition and will on himself in order to overcome his fear and hesitancy.

What happened to Dave?  You may be expecting me to say that Dave’s real name is Sam Walton or Bill Gates.

No, Dave is simply Dave.  But he succeeded in his first steps.  He’s ambitious: he got help and took the responsibility and risk, and he has been promoted.

Often, people need coaching to help them overcome their hesitancy and self-bullying, and to build the strength, courage, determination and skill needed to take the right risks in a way that increases their chances of success.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to deal with antagonistic 'rule people' in the workplace

Company rules and employees who follow them are essential for the success of your business.  But antagonistic “rule-people” can reduce team effort and sabotage your operations. To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: How to deal with antagonistic ‘rule people’ in the workplace http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2006/02/13/smallb6.html

Rule people aren’t necessarily malicious.  But their rigid inflexibility can cause as many problems as any troublemaker.  Rule-people:

1. See everything in black and white, need all procedures and boundaries clearly defined and labeled, with rewards and consequences spelled out exactly – no gray areas and no choices.  They need uniformity and repeatability, can’t handle ambiguity, uncertainty and what they perceive as mixed messages.
2. Insist on clear titles and privileges.  They want to know everyone’s exact job description, authority, responsibility and accountability.  They can’t handle matrix management – multiple reporting and task relationships.
3. Use authority and experts to back up their opinions.
4. Don’t like change unless they can see immediate and obvious advantages.
5. Need closure, want decisions made and set in stone, even if nothing has to be begun for years.
6. Compare themselves with everybody on every criterion.
7. Relate only through power dynamics – command, control and obeying orders. They’re bullies.  They don’t get things done through relationships or by simply pitching in.  They need to know where everyone stands.  They’re more comfortable knowing they’re on the bottom, than wondering where they are.

We all follow the rules sometimes, but “Edna” is a good example of an antagonistic rule-person. She uses the rules to intimidate people and advance herself at the expense of your supervisory authority and departmental productivity.  For example:

Other typical examples of rule-people in crucial roles are human resource and financial managers, and administrative assistants.

To work with an antagonistic, rule-person, you’ll have to:

• Be exacting and clear about rules, and demand what you need specifically in writing.
• Be prepared to be challenged if you treat the rule-person differently from anyone else.
• Include “professional, team behavior” rules – specific, detailed behaviors, not abstractions or attitudes – as important components in performance evaluations.
• Clearly label your actions; indirect cues, kindly suggestions, informal messages or casual conversations will not be counted as important.  You must say, “This is a verbal warning” or “This is a disciplinary action.”  Antagonistic, rule-people take any softening to mean that your feedback doesn’t have to be acted on.
• When they excuse their bad behavior with innocuous labels like, “It was a misunderstanding,” or “I’m just an honest person,” you must re-label it clearly as unprofessional.  For example: “Yelling or name calling is not a misunderstanding or honesty.  Neither is acceptable behavior at this organization, no matter how you feel.”
• Document everything.

Overly rigid rule-people who use the rules to serve their own selfish interests are problem employees.  They need to be dealt with promptly and decisively – or they will create big problems for you and your organization.

Generally, rule-people who want to help can become good managers and administrators, but they won’t be outstanding leaders.  They can oversee repeatable operations, but they won’t be able to act creatively and appropriately in the face of uncertainty, novel problems and risk.

10 ways to create a culture of entitlement at work

If you’re not already doing all the work or aren’t stressed out to the max, here are 10 tips to increase your load by creating a culture of entitlement among your employees. I didn’t make them up.  I’ve seen organizations using these strategies to keep employees happy.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Louisville, see: 10 ways to create a culture of entitlement at work http://www.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2008/07/21/editorial2.html

As a leader or manager, 10 ways to create a culture of entitlement at work are:

1. Take responsibility and blame for everything.
2. Let staff publicly review every decision you make.
3. Satisfy every employee desire.
4. Revise your policies and procedures to accommodate every employee’s needs.
5. Don’t have deadlines; don’t pressure staff.
6. Accept all employee behaviors including harassment, bullying and abuse.
7. Don’t ever require change; keep rehabilitating poor employees forever.
8. Undercut supervisors.
9. Require positive and supportive evaluations.
10. Treat stars the same as poor employees.

Bonus tip: Offer guaranteed employment for life as if it’s employees’ right.

Some companies attempt to provide a better work environment by being sensitive to the needs and feelings of their employees.  Of course, you pay attention to what your employees want and need.  But don’t overdo it.

Great leaders create work environments that meet the needs of their businesses and enable their employees to be productive and effective.  They set expectations and hold staff accountable for what is and isn’t acceptable performance and behavior.  Productivity takes precedence over pleasure.

It’s not always easy.  Some people won’t like your rules.  But bending or abandoning reasonable rules and expectations in an effort to satisfy the malcontents and whiners doesn’t work.  They’ll never be happy or productive. And trying to satisfy them will drive your good performers away.

In our culture, many people think companies should be designed to make them happy and fulfilled.  Effective leaders make clear that anyone who isn’t willing to follow the rules is welcome to leave.  Encourage entitled employees to work for your

Of course, slight modifications of these tips can be used to create cultures of entitled managers.

Select leaders who are excited by challenge, change

If you think that fear of change is normal human nature, you’re wrong.  That’s especially true for the leaders you select. For example, Harry was slated to move up to Senior Vice President in a few years.  In the meantime, his division needed to change its direction and way of doing business.  He must groom a great leadership team and weed the appropriate people.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Select leaders who are excited by challenge, change http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2007/03/12/smallb8.html

One member of Harry’s present, six-person team had to be let go.  He was an excellent project manager and he liked being custodian of repeatable processes.  However, he couldn’t handle the changes required.  His need for controlling every detail led him to resist fluid goals, processes and relationships.  He got rattled, constantly threw up roadblocks and underperformed.  In order to solidify his position, he also tried to sabotage his competition.

Another member of the team felt threatened because there wasn’t enough lead-time to prepare for shifting hurdles or moving targets.  She found a cookie-cutter job with fewer challenges.

Harry got the standard leadership advice:

• Change makes people fearful.  They feel like victims.
• Normal people are slow adapters or resist change forever.  They’ll be negative, critical and complaining.
• People must go through five psychological stages before finally accepting forced change.
• Don’t expect too much during a transition.  Before your staff performs at high levels again, they’ll need lots of pampering and time to feel safe and confident.

I disagree. While resistance may be the norm in our society at this moment of time, that doesn’t make it normal.  In other cultures and in America in the past, “normal” was to be excited by change.  That’s where the great rewards are.  Think of Edison, Rockefeller and Ford, for example.

Whenever our ancestors came to America, last year or 30,000 years ago, they faced huge changes and took great risks.  They thrived, or we wouldn’t be here.  We have those hardy genes.  People who thrive today will have the same qualities their ancestors had.  They won’t be brainwashed into feeling fragile.

Our normal reaction to change can be eager anticipation; just as we had before our first day of surfing or skiing.  Like life, these activities are inherently dangerous and exhilarating.

In truth, our only security is in ourselves; not in false guarantees of employment for life.  Anyone who needs guarantees will fight to make an organization stay the way it is, which will kill it.  They won’t rise on their teams.

If we try to force things to stay the same, performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissists, incompetent, lazy, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

The higher you go in a company, the more you have to keep your head in the game when things change suddenly.  Harry’s company isn’t downsizing, but most people who stay will have to learn to function well in continual change.  He’ll provide training, consulting and coaching – but not hand-holding.  And he won’t be conflict-avoidant in protecting the high standards he needs.

Of course, there’s tremendous risk in moving ahead.  But there’s more risk in fighting to stay the same.  A static organization will become unprofitable and all staffers will become unemployed.  Since only a few basic processes will stay the same, people who are comfortable only when repeating a known process will become uncomfortable.

Get over discomfort.  Our feelings aren’t handed to us in stone.  Don’t wait until we’ve developed a sense of safety and confidence, or an abundance mentality.  Take responsibility right now.

Life is an open system.  Get used to it.

High standards for how to respond to challenges and change protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Don’t Stress Out Trying to Motivate Slackers

You’ve heard it a hundred times, “A great manager can motivate anyone.” Hogwash.

The fact is some slackers simply don’t care and are beyond motivation.  And it’s a waste of your limited time and energy to keep trying.  If you’re sick and tired and stressed out because you’ve accepted responsibility for motivating slackers, prepare for the inevitable effects of continued frustration and emotional pain.  You’ll be exhausted, burn out and get physically ill.

Unfortunately, managers often find themselves pressured to motivate everyone.  And both they and their bosses may see these managers as failures when they can’t pull it off.  It’s time to give them a break.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Louisville, see: Don’t stress out trying to motivate slackers http://www.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2007/05/28/editorial3.html

Many slackers are like teenagers who don’t want to take out the trash or clean their rooms.  They pretend they’re not responsible or don’t know how.  They act as if there’s a debate going on between them and their managers, and they don’t have to do the work unless they like the bribe.  Slackers are sneaky, manipulative bullies.

Motivating your employees is an important part of being a good manger.  It’s also important to recognize the ones who can’t be motivated, so you don’t waste time trying to do the undoable.

If they’re not performing, let them know immediately and link consequences and rewards to performance.  You can’t make them happy enough to work hard.  If they don’t respond to praise or fear with increased productivity, let them look for a job where they’ll be appreciated for slacking.  Or, maybe, a termination will change their slacker attitude.

You’re not looking for people who require constant motivation and micromanagement.  You’re looking for people who come to you inspired and eager to face challenges, who take responsibility and who succeed.

Keeping a slacker forces good performers to pick up that slack.  You’re simply spreading the stress around so you don’t have to bear the whole burden.  That’s a poor reward for a good performer.  It’s as if you’re saying, “I can count on you so I’m going to give you a bonus of extra work.  We’re going to continue paying that underperforming slacker while you carry their slack in addition to the two jobs you already do.”

The most dismal cases are in organizations that promote slackers to management or allow slacking managers to stay.  That spreads slacking over a wider territory.

In the real world it’s everyone’s job, including a president or CEO, to motivate his supervisors that he’s worth keeping.  Why should it be up to your managers to motivate the slackers on your payroll?  Slackers should be working hard to motivate you to keep them.

Slackers create the same symptoms.  Performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissists, incompetent, lazy, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

Don’t waste your valuable people time on slackers.  You won’t make things better being a peacemaker.  Begging, bribery, endless praise, appeasement, endless ‘second chances,’ unconditional love and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  Stop emotional bullies and stop bullying.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop School Bullies: Results Matter, Process is Not Enough

Sawyer Rosenstein, 12 -year-old seventh grader from New Jersey, was bullied for months until the bully punched him and left him paralyzed.  He received a settlement of $4.2 million from the school district.  A claim against the bully has also settled, but details are confidential.  And, Sawyer is still paralyzed for life. Reports from the New York Daily News and the Morristown Personal Injury Blog make clear that:

• Three months before the final incident, Sawyer reported previous incidents of being bullied to the school in writing, but no responsible adult – principal, teachers, therapists, district administrators – stopped the school bullying.
• "Additionally, the same bully that injured the boy had previously injured another student, yet no serious action was taken."
• New Jersey has a strong anti-bullying law.  Nevertheless, his experience “shows that schools have a great responsibility to make sure that these laws are enforced in order to prevent students from being injured by bullies on school property.”

“The Board of Education released a statement Wednesday denying any wrongdoing and saying that it was the district’s insurance carriers that decided to enter into the settlement and will pay it out.  ‘The district’s character education and harassment/intimidation/bullying initiatives and reporting practices are leading edge,’ the statement said. ‘All programs in this area far exceed all of the criteria established by the state of New Jersey.’ … The board said the settlement did not include any admission of liability or fault on the part of the district.”

What’s wrong with the school board’s basic assumptions?

Of course, the local Board of Education has washed its hands of all responsibility, claiming that they followed the correct procedures.  Thy used the same type of defense that the do-nothing principal and district superintendent used after the suicide of Iowa teen Kenneth Weishuhn.

The people on the Board of Education, the principal, teachers, therapists and district administrators seem to feel that having a process; a program, initiatives and reporting practices is enough to cover them.  If negativity, harassment, abuse, or physical, mental and emotional violence occurs, it’s not their responsibility.  If they victimize students, it’s not their responsibility.  They were just following orders and procedures.

They think they’re not responsible for results, only for process.  They think they’re not responsible for stopping school bullying, only for pushing paper.

That lack of accountability may work for adults in education but for the rest of us, with real jobs, results count.  Even the kids taking tests are held accountable for performance and results.

Obviously laws are never enough.  It’s the people who administer the laws who are responsible for protecting us.  Or these incompetents settle for ineffective responses and leave it at that.  They lack the will to stop bullies.

Little children usually can get away with charm, potential and promises.  But as we cross past approximately 5th grade, we enter the time when those qualities count less and less, and results count more and more.  That’s a hard transition for many people to make.  When we get to be adults, we’re evaluated by the results we produce.

Obviously, the 12-year-old bully was in the transition, but how about the adults who were responsible for protecting all their students?  When are they going to be held personally responsible?

Following the rules or processes is a minimum standard.  The correct standard, by which school authorities should be judged, is whether they get results. Thomas Alva Edison once said, “Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something.”  Of course large organizations like school districts need rules and processes.  But those are judged by whether they produce the desired results, not by whether they’re being followed.  Following processes is never enough; results count.

What can you do if you’re a parent trying to protect your child from such irresponsible incompetents?

• Never let authorities get away with thinking that their responsibility ends with initiating some process.  Demand results.
• Immediately find a lawyer and generate publicity.
• Hold teachers, principals, district administrators and boards of education accountable for performance and results.  Your children are trying to survive.  Only results count.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Bosses who avoid conflict create a big mess

You probably don’t want an angry, confrontational, bullying boss.  But, do you want the other extreme – a conflict-avoidant boss? I vote, “No.”  Conflict-avoidant bosses create breeding grounds for passive-aggressive employees and self-appointed tyrants.

For example, Helen’s boss is nice and sweet.  And that’s her problem.

To read the rest of this article from the Austin Business Journal, see: Bosses who avoid conflict create a big mess http://www.bizjournals.com/austin/stories/2007/07/23/smallb3.html

Larry is always thoughtful and considerate.  He tries to agree with everyone.  Although he inspects each employee’s results and asks penetrating questions, he won’t tell them what they must do.  If two of his staff disagrees, he won’t intervene and make a decision, or force them to resolve the issue.

Helen has frequent and critical deadlines, but in order to do her job she needs information supplied by Lindsay, another employee in Larry’s department.  Lindsay says she’s too busy to give Helen the necessary information within the agreed-upon timelines.

Helen asks and asks but nothing seems to work.  She tries begging, twisting Lindsay’s arm and even explaining her predicament at team meetings.  She tries every communication and management technique her friends and human resource professionals suggest.  Lindsay simply goes on her merry way and stonewalls Helen.  She’s a sneaky bully.

In public, Lindsay always agrees to do that part of her job but then simply ignores the commitment.  In private she says Helen’s not important enough.  She doesn’t like Helen and she’s going to sabotage her.  In one-to-one meetings with Larry, she undercuts Helen’s needs, communication skills and performance.

Larry says he can’t do anything.  If he tried to force Lindsay, it’d create conflict – and he doesn’t want confrontation.  Larry is so sweet and nice.

Larry avoids conflict with Lindsay but creates conflict with Helen.  He’s upset with not getting what he needs from Helen but not upset enough to break the deadlock.  He’s more afraid of Lindsay than he is of Helen.  Lindsay knows she’s secure.  She has no pressure to serve Helen and no consequences for resisting.

There are numerous variations on this theme but they all lead to the same symptoms.  Performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissisism, incompetence, laziness, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

Absentee bosses – whether they’re waiting for retirement, have distracting personal concerns, are mentally tuned out or are cowards – create sanctuaries for unprofessional behavior.  When there’s a vacuum of authority, the most aggressive, ruthless and controlling people are drawn in to fill it.  It’s like the worst behavior of children coming out when their teacher leaves them alone for the day.

Conflict-avoidant bosses don’t implement decisions necessary for overall productivity because they won’t face resistant people and get them to do what’s necessary.

If you avoid facing someone who’s unhappy, you’re abdicating your responsibility as a leader.  You’ll probably live to regret the pain caused by abandoning your duty.  Your good employees certainly will regret it.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop School Bullying: It's a Pattern, not an Incident

Kenneth Weishuhn, a 14-year-old high school sophomore in Paullina, Iowa, died of self-inflicted wounds after months of relentless bullying.  Articles in Cedar Falls, Iowa, the Washington Post and the Huffington Post have described the town’s outcry. It’s true; Kenneth tried to minimize the bullying so it didn’t become worse.  And he got some relief when the gang of bullies turned some of its attention on a pregnant student.  And the school did hold an assembly after he reported the bullying.

After his suicide, school officials tried to cover themselves in the usual way.  “Dan Moore, the superintendent of the South O’Brien Community School District, said administrators knew of only one incident regarding Kenneth and that he believes they dealt with it well.  ‘I feel the school did address the issue that they were aware of when it came to their attention,’ Moore said. ‘Obviously, we had no idea that we’d have an end result like this, or what was going on outside of here.’”

There’s much more hidden below the surface of the principal's and Mr. Moore's lack of an effective response; especially the real fault that the administrators are trying to cover up.

Let's understand clearly.  Mr. Moore thinks they addressed the bullying and abuse well because he did some processes, procedures and techniques, even though the harassment and bullying didn't stop and, in fact, got worse.  And Mr. Moore thinks that performing some processes relieve him of responsibility.

What’s hidden here?

1. The school principal, teachers and district administrator put all the responsibility for knowing about bullying on the reports they receive from students.  They take no responsibility for knowing what’s going on under their noses.  Every kid in school knows who the relentless bullies are and who leads the cliques and gangs.  But they don’t tell.
2. The school principal, teachers and district administrator haven’t created an environment, a culture, in which at least some of the many witnesses come forward, instead of remaining as bystanders. Why didn't the witnesses come forward?  They know that nothing serious will happen to the bullies, but they’ll be exposing themselves to retaliation.  They don’t want to become the next victims of bullying.  What was the principal’s "stop school bullying program" at the start of the year, before there were any incidents?  Were parents involved in the program?
3. Despite their years of education, their advanced degrees and their special training on how to stop school bullies, the school principal, teachers and district administrator treated bullying as an “incident,” not as a pattern.  Yet everyone knows that school harassment, bullying and abuse are rarely an isolated incident.  These behaviors may start as an incident perpetrated by one kid instead of by a gang, but when nothing happens to the bully, bullies become bolder and more overt.  When there are still no serious consequences, other bullies join in and bullying becomes a pervasive pattern.  Pretty soon, other kids pile on.  Bullying expands from emotional and physical abuse into cyberbullying – on and off campus.  When relentless bullies get away with their worst behavioral impulses – taunting, teasing, harassment, physical, mental and emotional abuse – other kids let their worst impulses out.

Kids know who has the power.  If the responsible adults turn the other cheek and bury their heads in the sand, kids know that the bullies are in charge.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level.  The culture becomes the "Lord of the Flies" on the playground, in the bathrooms and in the hallways.

When Kenneth Weishuhn reported what was happening, he faced an accomplish-nothing principal and district administrator who weren’t proactive in protecting him but, instead, would excuse and justify themselves by saying that they did the minimum required - even if it didn't work.

Would you want to pay those people’s salaries?  Would you want your child at those schools?  Maybe, but only if your kid was the leader of the bullies.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullying: Say Goodbye to Toxic Friends

Sarah has been best friends with Heather for years, but she’s finally realized how much Heather has taken over her life and poisoned it. Sarah feels like Heather has been a toxic polluter in her environment, but she’s afraid that if:

• She didn’t have Heather, she’d be all alone.
• She said goodbye to Heather, Heather would get angry and retaliate with their friends and to Sarah’s family.

What should Sarah do?

Heather has been a sounding board for all Sarah’s decisions.  Heather always knows what Sarah should do to straighten her life out.  Sarah never married because Heather found faults with every guy that Sarah was interested in. Sarah stopped dieting because Heather told her she’d look bad if she was thin.

Sarah doesn’t have much time for herself since she has to be on-call in case Heather needs her.  Heather often has urgent requests for Sarah to do her chores or to meet her.  Sarah’s afraid to disappoint Heather because Heather gets so hurt and makes Sarah pay.

Heather criticizes Sarah relentlessly, spreads lies, rumors and malicious gossip, and gets other people angry at her.  Heather is angry and demanding, and nothing Sarah does is ever right or good enough.  Sarah is always to blame.

Within their circle of friends, Heather always takes center stage and even steals Sarah’s ideas.  Heather doesn’t allow Sarah to be with the others unless Heather is there.  Heather says it wouldn’t be kind, respectful or loving for Sarah to do things behind her back.

Sarah feels like she’s spent her life trying to please Heather and apologize to her and take the blame for everything.  But no matter how nice, kind and loving Sarah’s been, Heather hasn’t given her credit or changed her opinion or behavior.

How do you know your friend is toxic? I’d rephrase that into, “How do you know your friend is not really a friend?”  There are two types of warning signs:

• Your inner warning signs – you feel criticized, used, abused, harassed, unsafe, taken advantage of.  Your kindness, consideration, compromise, appeasement, apologies and efforts to please them are not rewarded by them doing the same for you.  They’re always right; you’re never good enough.  You’re afraid of what they’ll do if you displease them.
• Their external behavior – Their timing, agenda, feelings, desires, needs and wants matter much more than yours do.  If you start talking about your interests or feelings, they’ll rapidly shift the subject to theirs.  They can change the plans or be late but you can’t.  They say nasty things behind your back and justify what they did because they’re sure they’re right.  They make the rules.  If they’re angry over the slightest thing, they can retaliate in what ever outrageous, over-the-top way they want.  Their reasons are right.  It’s your fault and you deserve what you get.  They’re nice to you when they want something, but as soon as they get it, they’re mean and nasty or they put you down because you didn’t do it good enough.  You apologize but they never do.  You have 100% of the responsibility to heal any misunderstandings.

Make a list of behaviors that friends do. When Sarah made the list, she saw that Heather didn’t do these actions.  Since Heather didn’t, then whatever she calls herself or however Sarah thought about her, she’s not really a true friend.  In order to summon the strength, dedication and courage needed to stop bullies, we must see clearly how things really are and also name them accurately.

Can you get them to see they’re toxic and what if they don’t get it? Whenever Sarah asked or begged Heather to stop, Heather’s response for saying and doing such hurtful things was, “’I’m right.  You’re not trying to repress me, are you?”  Heather never thought she was wrong.  She always felt justified and righteous.  Sarah has tried to forgive Heather and to love her unconditionally, but that hasn’t changed Heather’s behavior.  Sarah didn’t think she could ever get Heather to admit how toxic she was.  She knew how quick Heather was to defend herself.  Nevertheless, Sarah tried to explain once more, just to give Heather a chance.  When Sarah brought up the subject, Heather got enraged and attacked Sarah for being a false friend.

Can you say goodbye just because you want to or do you need to be able to prove to them that they’re toxic? You don’t need an outside expert or a survey in order to decide how toxic your friend is (say, on a scale of 1 to 10) in order to give yourself permission to say goodbye to a toxic friend. You don’t need them to agree that they’re toxic.  If your toxic friend doesn’t get it and change their behavior, you can act on your own – just because you want to.  It’s important for you to use your own power to keep your personal environment free from toxic polluters.  Just because you want to is more than enough reason to do what you want.  In order to stop bullying and abuse by toxic people you’ve known for a long time, simply say, “No, that’s enough.”

What can you do if your toxic friend threatens to ruin you? They might tell your secrets or cut you down to everyone you know, including your family.  Of course it can be difficult.  But if you don’t say goodbye now, you’ll just prolong your pain indefinitely, maybe for the rest of your life.

If you don’t resist, you’re training that toxic person to do worse to you whenever they want.  Narcissistic control freaks and boundary pushers are relentless predators.  The only way they’ll stop is when they’re stopped or removed from the environment.

A better question is, “What behavior do you want to allow on your Isle of Song?” Ignore toxic bullies’ reasons, excuses and justifications.  Actions count; not apologies.  It’s your Isle; protect your personal ecology.  Say “goodbye,” no matter who the perpetrator is.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullying Backtalk from Your Kids

Nowadays, even young children talk back, roll their eyes, are sassy and snarky, and demand to know why before doing what parents want.  These kids act as if they can set all the standards, know everything and are entitled to express their thoughts and feelings in any way they want about anything. Many parents think this is their toughest disciplinary problem.  Many parents want to know why this behavior has trickled down from teenagers through tweens to children.  Is this behavior the result of the bad influence of the media – television, movies, internet – or their peers?  If so, these parents think, how can we control what children are exposed to?

These parents are looking for their solution in the wrong place.  These parents want to change the whole world so that the world sets the behavioral standards they want for their children.  These parents are looking outside themselves for the answer to what they see as a problem, when the answer lies within them.

Some hidden assumptions of the parents I’ve seen are:

• Repression is bad; any expression of self is good.  Thwarting children’s desires is bad.  Children know what’s best for themselves; let them control their lives.
• Kids will learn to be polite, civilized and sensitive on their own if we give them enough freedom and love.
• We can’t logically justify any limitations or boundaries or particular code of manners as the right way, so we shouldn’t force our arbitrary values on our children.  It’s a new world.
• Saying “no” to kids will damage their fragile psyches.  If you make kids unhappy, their lives will be ruined.   In fact, one bad response can destroy their whole lives.
• The most important thing is for our children to like us.
• By ourselves, we can’t resist the bad influences the kids encounter.

I disagree with all of those assumptions. The problem is the well-meaning parents who won’t set the boundaries, limitations and standards, despite the difficulties.

It’s really simple, although not necessarily easy.  And it’s not a new difficulty.  We parents must:

• Not allow children to think they know best and know everything when they don’t.
• Not allow children to express their most selfish, narcissistic, mean, nasty selves in any way they want.
• Begin at home to set the standards for our children.
• Stop begging the kids to be nice.  Stop appeasing them.  Take your own power.
• Stop their negativity, harassment, bullying, manipulation, abuse and temper tantrums.

The sooner we start, the easier it will be.  However, even if they’re a year from leaving home, start this minute.  Don’t let them think that the best way to get things from people they need (us) is to be nasty to them.

I’m not talking about becoming a bully, a “Tiger Mom.”  I am suggesting that we stand up to our responsibility to set standards that will help kids succeed in the world.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

You Can Change Attitude Problems at Work

Increasing productivity is relatively easy because you can measure and quantify production, and then respond effectively.  But how do you fix poor attitudes, which you can’t quantify? Actually, it’s not that hard.

A list of poor attitudes typically presented to me by managers and employees includes negativity, insubordination, narcissism, hyper-sensitivity, bullying, abuse of power and lack of responsibility.

To read the rest of this article from the Silicon Valley/San Jose Business Journal, see: You can Change Attitude Problems at Work

http://www.bizjournals.com/sanjose/stories/2007/11/19/smallb3.html

A typical list of behaviors that result from those attitudes is: chronic gossip, back-stabbing, sarcasm, negativity, manipulation, sabotage, formation of cliques, nepotism, favoritism, critical complaining, whining, demeaning comments, bullying bosses, dishonest evaluations, flaming e-mails, disrupting meetings, abusive remarks, ignoring suggestions, “Drama Queens,” blowing up in response to feedback, turf-control, crabbiness, over-reactions, lack of communication, mind reading, people who want their minds read, pointing fingers, taking things personally, the loud, silent treatment and my all-time favorite: “not my job.”

I use a straightforward, action-oriented approach that changes company cultures infected with poor attitudes.  The key is to be clear and specific about which attitudes and behaviors you want, and then to require participation in a culture that has them.  Don’t be a conflict-avoidant manager.

How do you clarify attitudes you can’t quantify?  The first step is to acknowledge that although you can’t quantify attitudes like “narcissistic control-freak,” you can recognize and document behaviors without resorting to mind reading, moral judgments or personal attacks.  Then you can act on your documentation of non-professional versus professional behavior.

Make sure it’s legal.  Then everyone from the owner on down is required to subscribe to or sign off on the new code of professional behavior.  The code then becomes a significant part of everyone’s evaluations.  Be consistent in rewarding the desired behavior and having consequences for actions against your code.

You won’t get everyone to buy in immediately.  So what?  Band together with the core group that wants to turn things around or to improve what you already have.

As you weed out a few resistant bullies, you’ll find that merely going through the process will change most employees’ behaviors.

Reinforce your expectations with new employees; publicize your code during hiring interviews.  Don’t bring people on board who argue with the code or who think the team should adjust to accommodate their personality or favorite styles that violate your code.

If someone has toxic behavior in another department, don’t bring them into your team in hopes you can change their long-term patterns.

High standards for positive attitudes protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Don't let bullies create a hostile workplace

Work bullies can ruin a culture, destroy productivity and make your life – and the lives of everyone else they target – miserable. And it’s not just bullying bosses who are the problem.  Co-workers and employees also use bullying behavior that creates a hostile workplace.

Excluding lethal weapons, here are the top dozen techniques bullies use to ruin a workplace.

To read the rest of this article from the Dallas Business Journal, see: Don’t let bullies create a hostile workplace http://www.bizjournals.com/dallas/stories/2008/06/09/smallb3.html

Most bullies use combinations of these methods.  The relentless application of these harassing, abusive techniques reinforces humiliation, pain and fear.  Cliques and mobs rapidly form. Bullying can make the targets feel helpless and situations seem hopeless.

These methods cause increased hostility, tension, selfishness, turf wars, sick leave, stress-related disabilities, turn over and legal actions.  People become isolated, do busy work with no important results and waste huge chunks of time talking about the latest episodes of bullying.

Effort is diffused instead of aligned.  Teamwork, productivity, responsibility, efficiency, creativity and taking reasonable risks are decreased.  Promotions are based on sucking up to the most difficult and nasty people, not on merit.  The best people leave as soon as they can.

Your operational system may look wonderful on paper, but the wrong people in the wrong culture can always find ways to thwart it.  Your pipeline leaks money and profits plummet.

A common mistake in dealing with repeated bullying is to spend much too much time and effort trying to educate, explain, understand, accept, forgive, beg, bribe, ignore, reason with or appease them.  These approaches won’t convert dedicated bullies into reasonable, civil and professional people. These approaches only stop people who aren’t really bullies, but have behaved badly one time.

During the time well-meaning or conflict-avoidant supervisors, human resource and civil rights professionals are trying these techniques to educate or rehabilitate bullies, they’re actually victimizing everyone else in the organization.  The monetary and emotional cost of tolerating or enabling bullies can be astronomical.

Determined bullies don’t take your understanding and acquiescing as kindness. They take your giving in as weakness and an invitation to abuse you more.  Bullies bully repeatedly and without real remorse.  They might appear to apologize sincerely, but you should accept only behavioral change, not good acting.

The best way to stop a bully is to stand up to them.  Expose and isolate them.  Or catch them doing something outrageous or illegal in front of witnesses.  Stopping them and having serious consequences for repetitions are also the greatest stimuli for change.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of hostile attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Can We Stop Bullies if We Have Sympathy for Everyone?

Of course, it’s easy to sympathize with most people.  If someone has been abused, bullied or worse as a child, our hearts go out to them in sorrow for their suffering.  Or we can see someone’s beautiful spirit, the spirit of God, in them and our hearts will go out to them with compassion and empathy. But if a friend, neighbor or co-worker comes to you full of hurt, anger and outrage, does that mean that someone else actually did something wrong to them?

Maybe or maybe not.

For example, Linda recently moved next-door to Carrie in their friendly, family-focused block. It was a cul-de-sac and all the families had kids approximately the same age.  They’d organized many activities, birthday parties and car pools in order to create a community feeling.

Carrie and Linda started becoming close friends.  One day, Linda came to Carrie crying and angry.  As Linda struggled to stop her tears, Carrie felt herself becoming angry on Linda’s behalf.  Who’d caused this much pain and suffering to her friend?

Linda explained that one of the other women had made cutting remarks about Linda’s husband not being as successful as many of the other husbands and that Linda’s children weren’t as athletic or smart as the others.  Carrie was furious.  How could that woman say such things and hurt Linda so much?  What kind of neighborly welcome was that?

In an act of sympathetic friendship, Carrie said she’d never liked the other woman, who was always pompous and inflating her husband and children.  Linda shouldn’t pay attention to what the other woman had said.  Linda should know all the other women liked her much more than the other woman.

None of that was true.  Carrie actually liked and admired the other woman.  She’d never been negative, insensitive, righteous or arrogant before.  She’d always gone out of her way to help everyone.  Actually, Carrie couldn’t imagine the other woman saying those things to Linda.  But, obviously Linda’s pain meant that she had, indeed, said those things.  And Carrie thought it was her responsibility to comfort Linda and make her feel better.

The tactic worked.  After Carrie’s statement, Linda seemed to feel much better.  She thanked Carrie and left.

Two days later, Carrie noticed that the other woman had snubbed her in public and was whispering with Linda and a few of the others behind Carrie’s back.  Linda seemed to be accepted as part of the group and Carrie was glad for her.  But she still felt the cold shoulder.  Over the next week, it got worse.  She felt defeated, being cut out by the other women.

Episodes like this were repeated, sometimes with Carrie as the target and sometimes with other women as targets.  Carrie realized that it was like being back in junior high or high school again.  There was the clique of “in girls,” now led by Linda, and a shifting group of “targets-of-the-day.”

Carrie later discovered that after she’d sympathized with Linda, Linda had gone to the other woman and told her what Carrie had said behind her back.  Of course, the woman had reacted and had started snubbing Carrie.

In this article, I won’t go into how Carrie learned what Linda had been doing to each of the women or how Carrie managed to combat it.  Carrie might have been Linda’s first target, but she was not a victim.

Linda’s narcissistic, sneaky, manipulative, back-stabbing behavior was her tactic for breaking in to a new group and taking control of it.  Linda was a Queen Bee.  She wanted to control the turf.  She wanted everyone to be either so worshipful or so afraid that they sucked up to her and did what she demanded.

If Carrie had let herself be ruled by her sympathy for a friend trying to break in to a new group, she’d have never been able to protect herself.  Instead, she did not accept defeat.  She took power over her actions.  She was able to bring the women together in friendship and to return the block to a friendly, activity-filled community.

Carrie and the other women found that acts of friendship did not change Linda’s behavior.  She could not be won over to acting nicely.  All their sympathy and compassion didn’t stop Linda from harassing or bullying.  She would not be a true friend.  She remained a “mean girl.

As Carrie discovered the hard way, sometimes sympathy can be a trap.  Her sympathy only aided and enabled a bully to spread her poison.

Just because someone is hurt and angry does not mean that someone else really did anything wrong to them

Carrie should have been more careful of what she did to make Linda feel better.  And she should have trusted her knowledge of the other woman’s good character.  She should not have believed Linda’s report, no matter how convincing.  She should have spoken face-to-face to the other woman in the beginning.

If a person who’s hurt, angry and complaining is a snake or go-between, who likes to pour gasoline on fires and stir up trouble between other people – who plays the game of “Uproar” – they’ll use any sympathy, opinions or information to enmesh you in a fight with someone else.

I haven’t mentioned the “Linda’s” in our extended families because we already know who those manipulative tricksters are.  We’ve already been sucked in to their manipulations so many times that we’ve learned to protect ourselves and to maintain good relations with the other people who act nice in return

A big learning for Carrie was that we may see someone’s shining, Godly spirit, but we’ll probably get to deal with their personality and the consequences they cause us.

It’s not the sympathy that’s a problem.  It’s how we express that sympathy or the dumb ways our sympathy can lead us to act in order to make someone feel better.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.