Some bullying bosses are overt. They yell, micromanage, criticize relentlessly, make personal remarks, are never satisfied and never promote staff. Other bullies are more covert.

For example, Abby controls her team by making quick decisions and immediately shifting into action. If you stop to deliberate, she’ll become exasperated and question your intelligence. Because she’s in a hurry, few people get consulted in advance and things are always done her way. Once she’s made up her mind, she won’t change direction.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: Covert bullies like to manage timing of decisions http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2008/09/08/smallb3.html

Abby tries to control her managerial peers with rapid decisions. Her arguments for speed can be very persuasive: No one wants to be thought of as “slow or stodgy.”

On the other hand, Alex moves with great deliberation and caution. He’s just as controlling as Abby, but in the opposite way. He wants to chew and digest all the details before he’ll decide. If you want to move rapidly, he’ll become exasperated and question your intelligence and good judgment. Because he controls the snail’s pace, few people even bother making input anymore.

If he doesn’t want to implement a plan, he’ll say he needs endless information and reflection. Usually, his deliberations push so hard against deadlines that everyone has to work hectically at the last minute, including weekends. He doesn’t mind because he’s still in control.

Alex tries to control his managerial peers by delaying decisions. His arguments defending deliberation and caution can be very persuasive. No one wants to be labeled “thoughtless or careless.”

People who are concerned with making good decisions will adjust their processes and timing to fit the situation. Some decisions can be made with extensive input and deliberation, while others demand unilateral and rapid action. Each style can be successful or have disastrous consequences, depending on the situation.

The rapid responses of many small businesses secured them productive niches while corporate goliaths deliberated. Similarly, decisions made in the blink of an eye – based on accurate intuition, the hair standing up on the back of your neck or a wrenching in your gut – can save your life or business. If you wait for proof, it will be too late.

But, of course, we don’t want someone building a bridge or an airplane based on snap decisions.

Be warned: Abby and Alex’s covert, controlling techniques are used just as much between couples in personal life and in family businesses. However, the same mindset and methods that work to manage peers in corporate life can be effective in those more personal situations.

How you cope with bullies using these styles depends on whether you’re a peer, a supervisee or a supervisor – see complete article for details.

There are no formulas, but there are guidelines.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation. To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Many of us have been taught to ignore putdowns. It’s considered morally superior to rise above them. That’s a big mistake. Respond quickly when someone attacks you.

For example, Sybil continually put down her peer, Henry, in private and public. Each demeaning comment might have been mere insensitivity. But taken together they represented a hostile pattern.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: When insulted by a co-worker, don’t turn the other cheek http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2008/08/11/smallb3.html

Sybil harassed and abused Henry in meetings, in front of the bosses and in the hallways. Henry tried to defend himself against her negativity with facts, logic and excuses. But he never mentioned the obvious hostility in her attacks. His arguments didn’t stop her. He felt defeated and gave into despair.

Their coworkers called Sybil “The Queen of Mean” and tiptoed around her because they were afraid of her retaliation. With her vicious tongue, she controlled the office.

Henry obsessed on her demeaning comments. He continually complained to co-workers, family and friends. Then, he’d be angry at himself for getting enraged. He wished he could let Sybil’s cracks roll off his back. He didn’t know how to make her stop bullying.

I convinced Henry he was taking the wrong approach. He shouldn’t ignore Sybil’s assaults. By allowing her to continue whacking him verbally, his confidence, self-esteem and credibility were undermined. His staff saw him as likeable but weak.

Henry had some common, self-imposed rules that keep him from acting:

“It’s just the way she is. I should forgive her. Since I can’t change her, I can’t do anything.”
“The nicest, most reasonable people should tolerate bad behavior, rather than ask the most difficult, hostile person to change.”
“If I’m nice and reasonable, people will respect me and change.”
“If I’m angry, if I can’t think of the perfect, polite way of acting, I shouldn’t do anything.”

Henry believed in the Golden Rule. His psychological explanations for Sybil’s narcissistic behavior also kept him from acting. He decided she was simply jealous of him and thought he should forgive her.

I disagree: Just because someone was a victim when they were young or feels hurt now, doesn’t give them a free pass to hurt other people.

The first changes Henry made were internal:

When he stopped taking the attacks personally, he stopped obsessing and began planning effective responses.
He acknowledged that he should have responded rapidly to Sybil’s initial attacks. The more he allowed them to pass by unchallenged, the more bold she became.
He committed to protecting himself. He’d had enough and it was time to say, “No!” And he promised himself that if his first tactics didn’t succeed, he wouldn’t go back on his commitment. He’d simply try different tactics.

So what did Henry do? He tried an escalating set of responses, increasing in firmness at each new step. When he got far enough up the staircase of firmness, Sybil finally showed him what was enough. She stopped. The rest of their team now saw Henry as strong and smart. Their respect for him increased

Don’t be a Henry and ignore insults outwardly, while they tear you up inside. Don’t be a conflict avoidant manager. Immediately, counter any attacks from the Sybils in your life. Use Henry’s method of escalating firmness to stop bullies.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational. Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

PostedMarch 28, 2012

AuthorBen Leichtling

CategoriesCoaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Public Speaking, Stop Bullies Book

8 CommentsPost a comment

Marie couldn’t run a productive meeting. Even after leadership training to fix the problem, her teams’ meetings lost focus, ran way over their scheduled times and repeatedly became time-wasters. She couldn’t see why she had these problems. She’d prepared ahead, the meetings had agendas, she solicited input and she always sought consensus. So what was wrong?

The reason was clear to an outside observer. She had saboteurs on each of her two teams and she didn’t know how to deal with them. Their negativity was destroying morale, teamwork and productivity.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: Beware meeting saboteurs who can derail effectiveness http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2009/05/25/smallb3.html

Toxic, manipulative, meeting saboteurs steal everyone’s time, prevent industrious co-workers from meeting their deadlines and increase frustration and tension in the office. They’re negative, control-freaks. Because of these saboteurs, many coworkers dread coming to work. Conflict-avoidant managers and coworkers create space for these bullies to flourish.

Marie agreed with my diagnoses, but didn’t know what she could do to stop the sneaky, manipulative bullying. She didn’t want to be an autocratic, know-it-all manager and unilaterally make decisions. So, she always scheduled additional meetings at which she hoped the teams could reach consensus and move ahead.

Also she couldn’t imagine how to change the bullies’ attitudes and abuse legally. She had already dropped hints to both of them, but they hadn’t altered their behavior.

Neither Larry nor Harry thought of himself as a bully or a saboteur, but these terms crystallized Marie’s resolve to stop their behavior, no matter what it took. She shifted from feeling helpless to being angry and determined.

Then we developed an effective plan that fit the culture of her company.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of their low attitudes.

All tactics are situational. Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Honest self-evaluation and course correction are key traits of great leaders, managers and employees. For example, suppose you complain that almost everyone in your department or organization is turned off and tuned out. Are they all just a bunch of self-indulgent, narcissistic, lazy slackers or a rotten generation – or have you failed somehow?

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: My staff doesn’t care: What’s the problem? Is it me? http://philadelphia.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2009/10/12/smallb3.html

If your office is typical, you’d expect that a small group of employees won’t care no matter what you do. They’re abusive, bullying bottom-feeders. Their lack of discipline, responsibility and effort comes from the inside. Begging, bribery, appeasement and coddling may make them happy, but won’t make them more productive.

Another small group, on the other side of a bell curve, will work hard all the time. They take responsibility and care about your company’s success as well as their own.

But if that middle group, roughly 80 percent, doesn’t care, be honest and look at yourself. You know that most people do care and want to be productive.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of their low attitudes.

Will you convert everyone when you start doing what you need to? No, but you’ll see who are bullies, who’s in the bottom-feeder group and who’s so hurt, angry and disaffected that they can’t be won over. Be kindly when you help these latter people leave.

All tactics are situational. Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

PostedDecember 21, 2011

AuthorBen Leichtling

CategoriesCoaching, Consulting, Eliminate Low Attitudes CD, Hostile Workplace, Stop Bullies Book

3 CommentsPost a comment

Harry defended himself by saying that he was following rules he’d heard in training: to increase teamwork, bring people together often; review production in your group often so you can keep people on track; give immediate feedback in public so everyone can learn from one person’s mistakes. But Harry is a micromanager. Instead of making things better, he made them worse. He created frustration and dissention and stifled his staff’s initiative.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: Micromanagers just don’t know when to let up http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/print-edition/2010/10/29/micromanagers-just-dont-know-when-to.html

Micromanagers rarely have enough time for the important tasks. They’re too busy managing the minutiae. Of course, good managers make sure important tasks are done right. But micromanagers think everything is a priority. They can’t distinguish between what’s crucial for them to be doing with their own hands and what’s a waste of their time. They’re usually nit-picking perfectionists with all-or-none thinking.

Micromanaging is usually driven by narcissism and fear. Harry thought he was the only one who knew how to do things right. He was afraid that if he let others forge ahead, they’d fail and his career would be derailed. Also, he was afraid that if he gave his staff freedom, someone might outshine him.

Breaking the micromanaging habit is difficult. Typically, as in Harry’s case, understanding when and why he developed the habit didn’t change his behavior.

But there was a way Harry’s manager could eliminate the high cost of Harry’s addiction to low attitudes. She could help him change his behavior.

All tactics are situational. Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Harry defended himself by saying that he was following rules he’d heard in training: to increase

teamwork, bring people together often; review production in your group often so you can keep people on

track; give immediate feedback in public so everyone can learn from one person’s mistakes.

Post #156 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/

Post #194 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop workplace bullies who beat you up with the rules http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/12/stop-workplace-bullies-who-beat-you-up-with-the-rules/

But Harry is a micromanager. Instead of making things better, he made them worse. He created frustration

and dissention and stifled his staff’s initiative.

Post #190 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Be wary of these business animals http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/27/be-wary-of-these-business-animals/

Covert bullies like to manage timing of decisions

To Stop Workplace Bullying, Don't Turn the Other Cheek

Beware meeting saboteurs who can derail effectiveness

My staff doesn’t care: What’s the problem? Is it me?

Micromanagers just don't know when to let up