Stop Bullying Backtalk from Your Kids

Nowadays, even young children talk back, roll their eyes, are sassy and snarky, and demand to know why before doing what parents want.  These kids act as if they can set all the standards, know everything and are entitled to express their thoughts and feelings in any way they want about anything. Many parents think this is their toughest disciplinary problem.  Many parents want to know why this behavior has trickled down from teenagers through tweens to children.  Is this behavior the result of the bad influence of the media – television, movies, internet – or their peers?  If so, these parents think, how can we control what children are exposed to?

These parents are looking for their solution in the wrong place.  These parents want to change the whole world so that the world sets the behavioral standards they want for their children.  These parents are looking outside themselves for the answer to what they see as a problem, when the answer lies within them.

Some hidden assumptions of the parents I’ve seen are:

• Repression is bad; any expression of self is good.  Thwarting children’s desires is bad.  Children know what’s best for themselves; let them control their lives.
• Kids will learn to be polite, civilized and sensitive on their own if we give them enough freedom and love.
• We can’t logically justify any limitations or boundaries or particular code of manners as the right way, so we shouldn’t force our arbitrary values on our children.  It’s a new world.
• Saying “no” to kids will damage their fragile psyches.  If you make kids unhappy, their lives will be ruined.   In fact, one bad response can destroy their whole lives.
• The most important thing is for our children to like us.
• By ourselves, we can’t resist the bad influences the kids encounter.

I disagree with all of those assumptions. The problem is the well-meaning parents who won’t set the boundaries, limitations and standards, despite the difficulties.

It’s really simple, although not necessarily easy.  And it’s not a new difficulty.  We parents must:

• Not allow children to think they know best and know everything when they don’t.
• Not allow children to express their most selfish, narcissistic, mean, nasty selves in any way they want.
• Begin at home to set the standards for our children.
• Stop begging the kids to be nice.  Stop appeasing them.  Take your own power.
• Stop their negativity, harassment, bullying, manipulation, abuse and temper tantrums.

The sooner we start, the easier it will be.  However, even if they’re a year from leaving home, start this minute.  Don’t let them think that the best way to get things from people they need (us) is to be nasty to them.

I’m not talking about becoming a bully, a “Tiger Mom.”  I am suggesting that we stand up to our responsibility to set standards that will help kids succeed in the world.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Legal weapons against school bullies and cyberbullying

The New Year has been welcomed by a number of articles and blog posts describing legal weapons to help school administrators, principals, teachers and parents take action against all types of bullies. Some recent examples:

• In her blog post, “Banning Cyberbullies,” Joanne Jacobs reports that in California, cyberbullying at school or during school activities will be banned and punished.  The original article, “School Cyberbullying law takes effect Jan. 1,” was in the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin.
• The blog post, “Kansas vs. Cyberbullying,” reports on anti-bullying policies throughout Kansas.  The original article, “Anti-bullying plans and policies for area schools,” in the Topeka Capital Journal details the anti-bullying plans that each school district must provide this year.
• In Barcelona, Spain, a “school ordered to pay 30,000 Euros in damages in bullying case,” for allowing bullies to abuse a student for two years.  Part of the evidence documenting the abuse was in a school video.

These are only a drop in the bucket, but I’m glad some states and individual school districts are making laws to protect children from bullies and bullying.  We need new laws because so many administrators are cowards.  They’re afraid they’ll be sued by parents who want to protect their little terrorists.  Therefore, we need to require administrators to act and also to protect them from legal suits when they do act.

The amount of bullying allowed in a school is completely dependent on the administration and teachers in their tussle with parents.  I’m from Denver and know Columbine High School very well.

On an individual basis, parents must teach children how to face the real world in which they’ll meet bullies all their lives, even if the children are small and outnumbered.  That’s independent of the type of bullying – cyberbullies, physical bullying or verbal harassment or abuse.

Sometimes, a child can handle a bully by himself, beginning with peaceful, non-violent tactics and moving step-wise toward being more firm and eventually fighting to win.  Or, depending on the situation, just get the fight over with the first time.  Other times, adult help is needed.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.

Most children will naturally bully the weak or different.  Children must be taught, primarily by parents, if they’re going to learn to be more civilized.

In addition to professional experience as a coach and consultant, I learned practical, pragmatic methods growing up in New York City and then watching our six children and their friends and enemies.

True bullies will take empathy, kindness and tolerance as weakness.  They’ll think we’re easy prey.  It will encourage them, like sharks, to attack us more.  Bullies will show you how far you need to go to stop them.  Get out of your comfort zone and stop them.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they will develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed in the real-world.