How NOT to raise spoiled brats

Let’s begin talking about how not to raise spoiled brats by listing the top seven methods that do create lazy, selfish, narcissistic, arrogant, entitled, bullying tyrants. The underlying attitude that creates demanding, abusive bullies is the false idea that if children are never thwarted or forced to do what they don’t want to, they’ll be more creative and happy, and their self-esteem will be higher.  This attitude is very prevalent among the helping professions; especially therapists and teachers.

What I say may anger people who think in black-while, all-none terms.  Those people think that the only choices are total freedom and praise, or beatings and total repression.  How silly to think that way.

My top seven attitudes, approaches, techniques, methods to create willful, domineering brats and teenagers are:

1. Always give them everything they want and give them control of every decision.  Teach them that if they don’t get what they desperately want at the moment, they’ll never be happy.  Never force them to do what you want.  Always try to get them to understand that you’re right, so they’ll willingly do what you want them to.  Don’t act until they give you permission.
2. Never correct them or say, “No.”  Help them think they’re sensitive, weak and fragile.  Be afraid that if their feelings are hurt, they’ll never get over it.
3. Never show displeasure or tell them that they failed to meet your expectations.  Always tell them that their efforts are good enough; no matter how pathetic the results.
4. Always tell them that they should succeed instantly or that what they can’t do easily isn’t important.  Tell them that hard work and struggle aren’t important.  Blame everything that they don’t like on other people (bad friends, bad teachers, bad schools, bad society), not on their insufficient or mediocre effort.  Always tell them that the world is supposed to be fair and to make them happy.
5. Be afraid that if they’re unhappy or angry, they won’t love you.  Always try to be their confidant and best friend.  Give in to their fits and temper tantrums in order to get them to stop.   Train them that you’ll give them whatever they want if they throw fits in public.
6. Always excuse their bad behavior because they’re “cute” or “creative.”  Always excuse them from chores because it’s no fun for them.
7. Instead of calmly applying consequences whether they like it or not, always let them misbehave without correction or consequences.  Hold your tongue or repeatedly tell them not to do something, but don’t actually do anything effective until you can’t stand it anymore and you throw a fit.  Never smack their bottoms or grab them to make your point or to let them know that sometimes they will do what you want, no matter what – even though that’s the only thing that will get them to do what you want.

If you start these approaches when they’re infants, you can create manipulative, demanding teenage bullies who think they’re entitled to everything they want and you’re supposed to provide it.  They’re the kind of children who may be living at home when they’re 40.  Will you wonder why, deep down, you don’t like them any more than they like you?

Of course, don’t go to the other extreme and beat them into submission.

Don’t give in to guilt when you thwart them with your, hopefully, high expectations.  Don’t give in to coddling and wishful thinking when they try to wear you down.

Think of the qualities you want them to develop and give them many opportunities to practice.  Here are nine, for example:

1. Will, self-mastery, courage and discipline.
2. Emphasis on action and seeking solutions instead of blame.
3. Grit – determination, dedication, drive, commitment and focus.
4. Persistence, perseverance, patience, endurance and tenacity.
5. Resilience, flexibility and humor.
6. Comfort in change, ambiguity and the unknown.
7. Heroism in the face of discouragement, so you’ll treat obstacles like speed bumps.
8. Taking calculated risks and making the most of opportunities and luck.
9. Learning from great models, heroes, mentors and coaches.

Without your guidance and discipline, they won’t magically develop those qualities when they’re 25.

Stand up and say that you do know better.  Don’t give in to bullies; especially when you love them.

See:  How Not to Raise Spoiled Brats http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8g8wbgKKcs

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop bullying by toxic teens

Many parents, especially single parents weighed down by guilt, allow themselves to be harassed, bullied and abused overtly and covertly by their teenagers who have finished high school and are physically and mentally fine.  They allow those big, toxic teens to hang out at home for free, doing nothing, while they wait on them and let the teens abuse them.  Unless the parents change, they’ll allow this behavior to last into their children’s twenties. No wonder these lazy, sullen, angry, sneering, sarcastic teenagers feel entitled.  Nothing bad ever happens to them when they trash the house, demand to be catered to and abuse their parents.

Tolerating bad behavior only enables it and encourages these teenagers to act worse.  No wonder these big brats don’t respect parents who don’t demand respect by having consequences when respect isn’t given.

These parents usually hope that if they’re nice enough to their abusive teenagers, someday the brats will like them and will wake up transformed.  The spoiled brats will then be as nice and polite as when they were little.  They’ll become self-supporting, hard workers.

This wishful thinking is wrong!

I’m not saying that the spoiled brats are bad people.  I am saying that permissive parents encourage kids to act out of the worst characteristics of their egos and personalities.  It’s always easier for these teens to sink down to the most lazy, selfish, self-centered, narcissistic parts of them.

These permissive parents are not setting high standards of polite and civil behavior.  Their expectations are too low.

Many of these permissive parents are secretly afraid that their big brats are too fragile to succeed, even though they’re mentally and physically capable.  They’re afraid that if they demanded good behavior and self-sufficiency, the teens will give up and fail.  Maybe, if they coddle them longer, they’ll change.  So they continue coddling and praying.

The same is true for brats who are juniors and seniors in high school.

Instead of giving in, assert yourself and protect your personal space, even against your precious flesh and blood.

1. Set standards of polite, civil behavior that are not up for debate.  Detail the standards and say that the list will be growing as you think of new ones.  Your bullying teen’s agreement or disagreement with the standards is irrelevant.  Stop negotiating endlessly over everything. Don’t let them wear you down in endless debates.  Your standards are requirements.
2. When they complain, keep saying, “That’s a real problem.  I hope you can solve it before you’re on the streets.”  You may make a suggestion one time, but after that, don’t accept responsibility for solving their problems.  Their difficulties don’t affect your applying consequences.
3. Have real and immediate consequences if your brat doesn’t live up to your standards.  Only have consequences you’ll actually apply. Your explosions, rage and threats are not consequences.  Most young adults think they’ve won when you’ve lost it.  They know you’ll feel guilty and relent.  Usually, effective, immediate consequences are that the big brat has to move out – no negotiation, no promises accepted. Performance counts; not promises.
4. See the grown kid as a “guest” in your home.  They have to behave like good guests or they can’t stay.  They have a choice: Behave and stay, or resist and leave.  It’s clear, straightforward and simple; just not easy for you.
5. Don’t give them a second chance; do the consequences you said.  Typically, since they’ve gotten away with being jerks for so, long they won’t believe you’ll really do anything.  So, they’ll push the boundaries to test you – maybe doing something minor to see if you’ll really act. And they’ll have their reasons, excuses, justifications and promises.  Or they’ll attack you verbally or physically.
6. Be crystal clear: If they threaten or assault you or your possessions, you’ll call the police like you would on any vandal you didn’t know Document evidence and report them.

If they treat you mean, don’t let them stay with you simply by paying rent.  Let them try treating a landlord mean.

The more you’re smiling, even-handed and matter of fact as you throw them out, the better.  You have good reason to be happy; you’re getting back your peace, quiet and space.  The moment they leave, get rid of their stuff; convert their room into something you can use.

It will do them a world of good to try living with a friend’s family or even with a bunch of friends.

What if they say you’re a bad mom? You have to know who is wiser – you or a selfish, petulant, narcissistic 19 year-old.

What if their friend’s parents think you’re a bad mom? You know what you know.  Those parents just told you they can be conned by your kid and that he needed kicked out.  He’s still trying to manipulate people to give him things, instead of working for them.  Also, they just told you that you don’t want them as friends.

What if your baby has to live on the streets or fails at life? We can never know what might be.  But we do know that teens who don’t exert themselves, need to be kicked out of the nest.  It’s the only way they have a chance to learn how to fly

After you throw them out, define the new relationship you want. You get together with people who are fun, interesting and treat you nice.  If they’re willing to do that, you’d be glad to meet them at restaurants or movies, and even treat them sometimes.  Your needs and wants are at least as important as theirs.

Is this emotional and financial blackmail? Definitely; you bet.  What’s the problem?  This is real adult life.

Stop trying to teach them life’s lessons but do continue to plant seeds. They’ve already decided not to learn the lessons of life from you.  They’ll have to learn them the hard way – from the world.  Stop trying to teach those lessons.

Continue to plant seeds about what it takes to be with you:

1. “If you fail, it’s your fault; I won’t be accepting guilt for your failures anymore.  Your task is to create a wonderful future no matter how much you think everyone, especially, me, has wronged you.”
2. “You’ll get more from me by being nice than by trying to beat me into submission.  If you use anger or rage, I’ll automatically say ‘No.’”
3. “If you make things fun for me, if you bribe me, I’ll consider doing some of the things you want.”
4. “Now that you’re older than three, any authority and control over your life has to be earned by your being nice (or sucking up to me) or by your supporting yourself and living independently.  You’d better have a skill so you can get a job to pay for a car, insurance, an apartment and food.  Earn them and you’ll earn the right to be in charge of your life.”

Sixteen to twenty five year-olds need to stop trying to get what they want by beating their parents and start getting it from the world by their own efforts.

How do you feel when you see them living on your couch when they’re 42?

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Select leaders who are excited by challenge, change

If you think that fear of change is normal human nature, you’re wrong.  That’s especially true for the leaders you select. For example, Harry was slated to move up to Senior Vice President in a few years.  In the meantime, his division needed to change its direction and way of doing business.  He must groom a great leadership team and weed the appropriate people.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Select leaders who are excited by challenge, change http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2007/03/12/smallb8.html

One member of Harry’s present, six-person team had to be let go.  He was an excellent project manager and he liked being custodian of repeatable processes.  However, he couldn’t handle the changes required.  His need for controlling every detail led him to resist fluid goals, processes and relationships.  He got rattled, constantly threw up roadblocks and underperformed.  In order to solidify his position, he also tried to sabotage his competition.

Another member of the team felt threatened because there wasn’t enough lead-time to prepare for shifting hurdles or moving targets.  She found a cookie-cutter job with fewer challenges.

Harry got the standard leadership advice:

• Change makes people fearful.  They feel like victims.
• Normal people are slow adapters or resist change forever.  They’ll be negative, critical and complaining.
• People must go through five psychological stages before finally accepting forced change.
• Don’t expect too much during a transition.  Before your staff performs at high levels again, they’ll need lots of pampering and time to feel safe and confident.

I disagree. While resistance may be the norm in our society at this moment of time, that doesn’t make it normal.  In other cultures and in America in the past, “normal” was to be excited by change.  That’s where the great rewards are.  Think of Edison, Rockefeller and Ford, for example.

Whenever our ancestors came to America, last year or 30,000 years ago, they faced huge changes and took great risks.  They thrived, or we wouldn’t be here.  We have those hardy genes.  People who thrive today will have the same qualities their ancestors had.  They won’t be brainwashed into feeling fragile.

Our normal reaction to change can be eager anticipation; just as we had before our first day of surfing or skiing.  Like life, these activities are inherently dangerous and exhilarating.

In truth, our only security is in ourselves; not in false guarantees of employment for life.  Anyone who needs guarantees will fight to make an organization stay the way it is, which will kill it.  They won’t rise on their teams.

If we try to force things to stay the same, performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissists, incompetent, lazy, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

The higher you go in a company, the more you have to keep your head in the game when things change suddenly.  Harry’s company isn’t downsizing, but most people who stay will have to learn to function well in continual change.  He’ll provide training, consulting and coaching – but not hand-holding.  And he won’t be conflict-avoidant in protecting the high standards he needs.

Of course, there’s tremendous risk in moving ahead.  But there’s more risk in fighting to stay the same.  A static organization will become unprofitable and all staffers will become unemployed.  Since only a few basic processes will stay the same, people who are comfortable only when repeating a known process will become uncomfortable.

Get over discomfort.  Our feelings aren’t handed to us in stone.  Don’t wait until we’ve developed a sense of safety and confidence, or an abundance mentality.  Take responsibility right now.

Life is an open system.  Get used to it.

High standards for how to respond to challenges and change protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop Bullying Backtalk from Your Kids

Nowadays, even young children talk back, roll their eyes, are sassy and snarky, and demand to know why before doing what parents want.  These kids act as if they can set all the standards, know everything and are entitled to express their thoughts and feelings in any way they want about anything. Many parents think this is their toughest disciplinary problem.  Many parents want to know why this behavior has trickled down from teenagers through tweens to children.  Is this behavior the result of the bad influence of the media – television, movies, internet – or their peers?  If so, these parents think, how can we control what children are exposed to?

These parents are looking for their solution in the wrong place.  These parents want to change the whole world so that the world sets the behavioral standards they want for their children.  These parents are looking outside themselves for the answer to what they see as a problem, when the answer lies within them.

Some hidden assumptions of the parents I’ve seen are:

• Repression is bad; any expression of self is good.  Thwarting children’s desires is bad.  Children know what’s best for themselves; let them control their lives.
• Kids will learn to be polite, civilized and sensitive on their own if we give them enough freedom and love.
• We can’t logically justify any limitations or boundaries or particular code of manners as the right way, so we shouldn’t force our arbitrary values on our children.  It’s a new world.
• Saying “no” to kids will damage their fragile psyches.  If you make kids unhappy, their lives will be ruined.   In fact, one bad response can destroy their whole lives.
• The most important thing is for our children to like us.
• By ourselves, we can’t resist the bad influences the kids encounter.

I disagree with all of those assumptions. The problem is the well-meaning parents who won’t set the boundaries, limitations and standards, despite the difficulties.

It’s really simple, although not necessarily easy.  And it’s not a new difficulty.  We parents must:

• Not allow children to think they know best and know everything when they don’t.
• Not allow children to express their most selfish, narcissistic, mean, nasty selves in any way they want.
• Begin at home to set the standards for our children.
• Stop begging the kids to be nice.  Stop appeasing them.  Take your own power.
• Stop their negativity, harassment, bullying, manipulation, abuse and temper tantrums.

The sooner we start, the easier it will be.  However, even if they’re a year from leaving home, start this minute.  Don’t let them think that the best way to get things from people they need (us) is to be nasty to them.

I’m not talking about becoming a bully, a “Tiger Mom.”  I am suggesting that we stand up to our responsibility to set standards that will help kids succeed in the world.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullying by "Self-Esteem Police"

George Will reported in his Newsweek column, “More Stimulating that the Stimulus,” that “In Ottawa, the sensitivity police in a children’s soccer league announced that any team attaining a five-goal lead would be declared to have lost, thereby sparing the feelings of those who were, if you will pardon the expression, losing.” This was confirmed by many other articles including, “Win a soccer game by more than five pints and you lose, Ottawa league says.”  Although the title says enough, here are some quotes from the article, “In yet another nod to the protection of fledgling self-esteem, an Ottawa children’s soccer league has introduced a rule that says any team that wins a game by more than five points will lose by default… Club director Sean Cale… said the league’s 12-person board of directors is not trying to take the fun out of the game, they are simply trying to make it fair. The new rule, suggested by ‘involved parents,’ is a temporary measure that will be replaced by a pre-season skill assessment to make fair teams.”

The Club fields teams between the ages of 4 and 17.

It’s hard to keep calm when we hear this kind of idiocy.  I suppose next they’ll want the Ottawa Senators to stop shooting if the ever get a two goal lead.

The bullies here are not good soccer players who score many goals, although they might be if they go overboard into vicious fouling and nasty taunting against overmatched opponents.  The bullies here are the members of the Club Board who act like self-appointed “Self-Esteem Police.”

Bullying by “Professional Victims” One of the 5 types of bullying that we deal with regularly is the “Profession Victims” who use their hyper-sensitivity and hurt feelings to manipulate and control their environment.  They win when you accept that your job is not to hurt their sensitive feelings.  Professional Victims and their supporters say your job is to do everything they want in order to please them…and they’re never satisfied. They win when everyone else is walking on eggshells to avoid hurting their feelings and causing them to blow up or withdraw into a pouting silence.

The rules of soccer, when followed, already make the game fair.

Professional Victims assume that their children’s psyches and self-esteem are weak and fragile The slightest problem will damage them forever.  As if kids can’t maintain their self-esteem when they’re beaten badly by a better team. I assume, on the contrary, that children begin strong and have to be taught to see themselves as weak and fragile Children are not damaged by failing or learning their present location in the hierarchy of inborn gifts and hard work.  I assume that when children fail it’s because they haven’t worked hard enough.  The solution to not succeeding is to work harder to fulfill your potential.  Children survive intense pressure, challenge and struggle.  When they improve, their self-confidence and sense of competence increases. Also, we all have much more choice about how we feel You have to be taught to have low self-esteem after you lose at something you know you’re not very good at.  You have to be taught to have stress, anxiety and depression after you lose.  You have to be taught to wallow in negative self-talk and self-bullying.  You have to be taught to give up. People who succeed in life respond by directing their energy into a vow to do better and a determination to work harder, get better and win at life We’ve all been beaten down at times.  We’ve all found out where we stand in the hierarchy of who’s faster, stronger, smarter, prettier.  And our position in that hierarchy has nothing to do with happiness or self-esteem.  Ask any great athlete how they motivate themselves after having been beaten.  Ask any great mother or father how they motivate themselves to do better after they’re done something really dumb in their family.

The general rule is never to give the Self-Esteem Police or the Professional Victims credence or power.  Treat them as bullies and learn to stop them.  Tell them to suck it up; stop creating and wallowing in hurt feelings.  The lesson for these kids is to have more inner strength, courage and perseverance and to get more skillful so you can succeed in the real-world.

We need to learn how to win.  Winning is critical for our survival as individuals and societies.

The general rule in winning big is to not be a jerk about it.  Grownups are supposed to learn not to thrash their kids when they’re young,  The big kids in any extended family are supposed to learn how to make it fun for the little kids to play ball with them.  We’re supposed to learn how to be gracious winners when someone isn’t in our league in any game. The general rule in dealing with defeat is to gather yourself, get more skillful and do better next time.  And if you’re not good enough to be a champion, decide to be happy enjoying playing at any game in life, whether it’s sport, dance, music, art or any other area of endeavor where there are only a few “work class” players.

Expert coaching can help you design a plan for each individual child; from those who tend to be aggressive and nasty to those who tend to withdraw and need lots of encouragement.

By the way, so much scorn was heaped on the Ottawa soccer club that they did get rid of that rule.  They now have a new mercy rule “under which a game will be called once one team has a lead of eight goals. Whichever team is ahead at that time will be credited with the win,”

Inept, Unskilled or Over-Protective Mothers Sabotage Daughters

Inept, unskilled or over-protective mothers sabotage their daughters. Almost all the women who’ve interviewed me on radio and TV or who’ve called in with comments have said that their mothers told them to rise above mean girls, to be nicer and kinder to bullies, to be nice because the mean girls were being bullied at home, to feel sorry for the bullies because they had low self-esteem or to simply forgive mean girls as a spiritual thing to do.

That’s bad advice; those methods don’t stop real-world bullies and mean girls.  Those mothers trained their daughters to be easy targets and victims.  Those grown daughters still bear the wounds and scars of being hurt and victimized while not being allowed or knowing how to defend themselves.

In addition, some over-protective mothers said that they’re home-schooling their daughters because they were bullied at school.  There are many good reasons to home-school children, but I think that’s not one of them.

The number one cause of daughters being bullied repeatedly and then growing up to be bullied adults in relationships and at work is well-meaning mothers who are philosophically opposed to fighting back verbally or physically or who are inept or unskilled at stopping bullies.  They make bullying a multi-generational problem by not teaching their daughters effective skills and techniques to stop bullies.

Of course we don’t throw our children into deep water and risk their drowning.  First, we teach them how to swim.  Everything I say also relates to fathers and sons.

So what can mothers do?

• If you’re fearful and protect your daughters in a cocoon, you’ll create problems for them when they grow up. Don’t make being a victim into a multi-generational problem.  The fear they sense will lead them to think they’re weak, fragile and incompetent.  They’ll develop anxiety and low self-confidence and self-esteem.  They’ll be naïve and unskillful and, therefore, easy prey for abusers and predators in their adult love life, with friendships and at work.
• Accept that you must educate and train your daughters to stop bullies skillfully. They won’t be able to function successfully in the real-adult world if you let them think that the whole universe is a safe place; that if they’re nice and loving all people will be nice to them in return; that treating people according to the Golden Rule will get kindness and consideration back; that they’ll be more spiritual if they forgive and rise above harassment and abusive behavior.
• Teach your daughters that the real-world has predators and also teach them how to recognize bullies. Overt bullies are easy to recognize.  Also, teach them the early warning signs of stealthy, covert bullies and mean girls.
• Teach your daughters how to stop school bullies individually – verbally and physically. Predators will misinterpret their kindness and offers of friendship as weakness and an invitation to abuse them more.  Teach your daughters techniques of increasing firmness to get bullies to stop or to get away from them.  Teach them how to rally their friends to help them.
• Teach your daughters how to get adult help from you, school officials and police. Convince them that you can help if they’re targeted by cyber-bullies or if they witness cyber-bullying.
• Be a model. Become skillful in stopping the bullies in your life – at home, at work, as a customer and in the school system.  Learn how to rally and support good principals and teachers, and how to make reluctant administrators protect your daughter.

If you’re over-protective or if you try to ignore, minimize or appease bullies, you’ll teach your daughter to do the same.  And she’ll grow up to feel just as helpless as you do.

Do better for your daughter.  Remember all the women who interviewed me and the mixed feelings they now have about their mothers.

There are many examples of children and adults stopping bullies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Or call me at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543) to teach you how to help yourself and your daughter.

Stop bullying by your boyfriend’s daughter

Sherry has noticed a pattern between her boyfriend, Robert, and his teen aged daughter.  Whenever Sherry and Robert have special plans, his daughter insists that she needs Robert to take care of her.  If he won’t change the plans, the girl throws a fit, gets hysterical and says that Robert doesn’t love her anymore. Robert immediately changes the plans and does what his daughter wants.  He says that she’s his first responsibility.  He’d feel guilty if he disappointed his daughter; he’s hurt her enough by getting divorced and if he doesn’t take care of her needs now, she’ll never be a better student or happier person.  She’ll feel rejected all her life.

There are also many other kinds of incidents in which Robert shows that his primary emotional attachment is to his daughter.

What would you do?

Robert’s daughter seems to have a sixth sense.  She calls Robert with her problems whenever Robert and Sherry are having a romantic date.  She needs Robert to listen endlessly to her emotional turmoil with her mother (his ex) and other kids at school.

Whenever Robert catches his daughter in a lie, she yells and screams.  By the time Robert calms her down, he’s too afraid to bring up the lie he’s caught her in.

Sherry and Robert both agree; Robert is catering to his daughter.  His daughter is needy, manipulative and conniving.  She uses emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love and hysterics to coerce him.  She’s actually bright and strong; there’s nothing really wrong with her.

Robert accepts his daughter’s view that he has to choose who’s more important; her or Sherry.  Robert gives in almost every time.  He feels guilty and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do what his daughter wants, she’ll be a failure.  His heart breaks when he thinks of making her unhappy.  Robert is encouraging his daughter to be a selfish, spoiled, nasty brat.

Sherry wonders if Robert’s attachment to his daughter is normal and if she’s being too selfish when she wants more from him.  How can she ask him to choose her instead of his daughter?

Sherry is asking the wrong questions.  She really wants to know, “Will Robert stop bullying by his manipulative daughter?”  Also, “Will he stop bullying himself with his guilt over his divorce?”

The real question for Sherry is: “Do I want to be with someone who puts a manipulative person’s wishes and demands ahead of his own happiness?”  Her guts already tell her, “No!”

She should give him one more chance to recognize the dysfunctional pattern between himself and his daughter and get the help he needs to stop bullying in his life.  His daughter is old enough to understand that while Robert does love her, he isn’t going to take care of her as if she was a fragile, little infant.  He can say “No” without destroying this teenager’s life.  He simply needs the better parenting skills he can learn from “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

My experience is that the Robert’s of the world who don’t change rapidly won’t change in Sherry’s life time.  He won’t end his submission and stop the bullying.

Sherry should not get into debates about what’s normal; not let her false hopes convince her that he’ll change after his daughter has grown up.  Sherry should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments.  She shouldn’t try to stick it out.  She should get out and find love somewhere else.

Sherry is afraid that if she loses Robert, she won’t find anyone else.  Sherry needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”).

She needs to start living the life she wants to lead.  Just like Lucy in case study # 14 in my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in.  The longer she goes on Robert’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off.  Does she want to settle for Robert and his daughter as the best she’ll ever get?  Does she want the pain?

10 Best ways to raise spoiled brats

There are many methods that even well-meaning parents use to raise spoiled brats instead of wonderful, creative, well-behaved, civil, strong children.  The fundamental factor in raising arrogant, selfish, nasty brats is their parents’ consistency in attitudes, approach and actions. The underlying attitude that creates demanding, bullying tyrants is that if children are never thwarted or forced to do what they don’t want to, they’ll be more creative and happy, and their self-esteem will be higher.  This attitude is very prevalent among the helping professions; especially therapists and teachers.

What I say will anger people who think in black-while, all-none.  Those are people who think that the only choices are total freedom and praise, or total repression and beatings.  How silly to think that way.

What do you see other people doing to train their children badly?

My top 10 attitudes, approaches, techniques to create willful, domineering brats and teenagers are:

1. Never correct them or say, “No.”  Help them think they’re sensitive, weak and fragile.  Be afraid that if their feelings are hurt, they’ll never get over it.
2. Always give them everything they desire.  Don’t teach them that they might not get what they desperately want at the moment and that they can still be happy.  Give them control of every decision.  Never force them to do what you want.  Instead, always try to get them to understand that you’re right so they’ll willingly do what you want them to.
3. Never show displeasure or tell them that they failed to meet your high expectations.  Always tell them that their efforts are always good enough; no matter how good or pathetic the results.
4. Always tell them that they should succeed instantly or that what they can’t do, isn’t important.  Also, tell them that hard work and struggle aren’t important.  Blame everything that they don’t like on other people (bad friends, bad teachers, bad schools, bad society), not on their insufficient or mediocre effort.  Always tell them that the world is supposed to be fair and make them happy.
5. Always let them misbehave without correction or consequences, instead of calmly applying consequences whether they like it or not.  Hold your tongue or repeatedly tell them not to do something, but don’t actually do anything effective until you can’t stand it anymore and you throw a fit.
6. Always give in to their fits and temper tantrums in order to get them to stop.   Train them that you’ll give them whatever they want if they throw fits in public.
7. Always excuse their bad behavior because they’re “cute” or “creative.”
8. Always allow them to avoid chores or helping out because it’s no fun for them.
9. Be afraid that if they’re angry, they won’t love you.  Always try to be their confidant and best friend.
10. Never smack their bottoms or grab them to make your point or to let them know that sometimes they will do what you want, no matter what.

To raise spoiled brats, consistently give in to them and excuse their bad behavior.  Of course that doesn’t prepare them to succeed in the real-world they’ll face as adults.

If you start these approaches with infants, you can create manipulative, demanding teenage bullies who think that they’re entitled to everything they want and you’re supposed to provide it.  They’re the kind of children who may be living at home when they’re 40.  And you’ll wonder why, deep down, you don’t like them any more than they like you.

But don’t go to the other extreme and beat them into submission.

Think of the qualities you want them to develop and make sure they have many opportunities to practice these qualities.  For example:

• Will, self-mastery, courage and discipline.
• High energy, emphasis on action and seeking solutions instead of blame.
• Grit, determination, dedication, drive, commitment and focus.
• Persistence, perseverance, patience, endurance and tenacity.
• Resilience, flexibility and humor.
• Comfort in ambiguity and productive inconsistency.
• Heroism in the face of discouragement so you’ll treat obstacles like speed bumps.
• Learning from great models, heroes, mentors and coaches.
• Taking calculated risks and making the most of opportunities and luck.

Without your guidance and discipline, they won’t magically develop those qualities when they’re 25.

You’ll find examples in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Of course, coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.