Kids need to know when they sense the truth

Some people hesitate to acknowledge the truth kids see, know or sense.  Common examples are when kids sense they’re unsafe in the presence of:

• A neighbor or a family friend or relative or someone’s unleashed pet.
• An older kid who lives next door or who’s included in family activities.
• One parent in a divorce or someone at that parent’s home.

Sometimes, adults simply don’t see the truth themselves, but more often, some adults:

• Want to maintain illusions that these close people are not actually dangerous.
• Hold back because they don’t want to say anything bad about someone like an ex or a relative.
• Have a value that it’s wrong to judge a person’s identity as bad or evil.

Some parents hesitate even when the danger is obvious and glaring.

These hesitations are wrong and very damaging to the kids.  Kids need to now that they may be in dangerous situations even at home.  Especially, kids need to know when what they sense is accurate.

Jane’s father had even seen his five year-old daughter yelled at, harassed and verbally and emotionally bullied by the new boyfriend of his ex, Jane’s mother.  So when Jane said she was scared to go there and that the boyfriend was bad to her, he knew her fears were well-grounded.  Jane also said that her mother had said that the boyfriend was a good person.  Obviously, Jane was unsure what to think.  But she knew what she felt.

Jane’s father was a nice person and didn’t want to think of the boyfriend as a bad person, so he hesitated in responding to Jane.  He didn’t want to say that someone was bad.  Also, he thought it was important for a child to see her mother often and to like her mother’s friends.

Get your hierarchy of values and priorities straight.  Jane’s father is missing the point.

1. Jane’s father has conflicting values and hasn’t effectively organized his priorities in a hierarchy of importance.  It may be important to him not to judge or label people as “bad” or “evil,” but more important than that value is the value of protecting his child.  And there’s a way he can intervene without judging the boyfriend’s identity.
2. Jane is unsafe.  She’s being subjected to mental and emotional bullying and abuse.  Her mother may be also.  And both Jane and her mother may be targets of physical abuse already or in the near future.  Jane’s father must intervene effectively even though he may have difficulties because of court ordered divorce requirements or because of the possibility of starting a fight with his ex in court.

Kids need to know when their sense of things is accurate and true. A key step in developing confidence and self-esteem is learning when we can trust our estimations of people and situations even if other people disagree or our self-bullying, “monkey mind” tries to talk us out of what we sense to be true.  Tremendous damage is done to kids when adults tell them not to trust their feelings, thoughts and intuitions.

Jane needs to know that she’s right.  What she estimates as “not safe” and “fear” is accurate.  She should not be talked out of those accurate estimations because of big and meaningless words like “compassion,” “kindness” or “being non-judgmental.”  She must know that she does see the reality of the situation.  Even more damaging than thinking that “love” means putting herself in dangerous and painful situations, if she’s talked out of her feelings, she’ll grow up riddled with self-doubt.

To protect Jane, we don’t need to judge the boyfriend’s identity. Jane, at age five, may think in terms of good or bad, but we don’t have to.

Thinking in those terms is usually a self-motivation strategy.  Some adults generate enough anger to act only if they think in those terms.  Then they often over-react because they’re so emotional.

But we can act simply when we recognize that a situation or person is dangerous.  We don’t need to get into a highly emotional loop that keeps us from acting effectively.  And we don’t need to label people’s identity.  We can simply discern a pattern in their actions no matter what their reasons, excuses or justifications are.

In a way that a five year-old can understand, Jane’s father must acknowledge to Jane that she’s right; the situation is painful, dangerous and scary.  Then he can deal with the difficulties in the situation.  If Jane’s mother is also feeling abused by her new boyfriend, Jane’s father may be able to stimulate her to act without her admitting she’s done anything wrong – which might make it easier for her to act.

But Jane’s father may have to deal with difficulties in order to protect Jane.  Can he get Jane’s mother to get rid of the boyfriend without going to court?  Can he get documented evidence that a court would accept?  Must he get a court-approved psychological evaluation, which would put Jane in the middle of choosing between her parents?

These are not easy choices.  Jane’s father probably needs good legal advice before he begins.

But he must act soon.  He can’t keep putting his daughter in danger.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Covert bullies like to manage timing of decisions

Some bullying bosses are overt.  They yell, micromanage, criticize relentlessly, make personal remarks, are never satisfied and never promote staff. Other bullies are more covert.

For example, Abby controls her team by making quick decisions and immediately shifting into action.  If you stop to deliberate, she’ll become exasperated and question your intelligence.  Because she’s in a hurry, few people get consulted in advance and things are always done her way. Once she’s made up her mind, she won’t change direction.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: Covert bullies like to manage timing of decisions http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2008/09/08/smallb3.html

Abby tries to control her managerial peers with rapid decisions.  Her arguments for speed can be very persuasive: No one wants to be thought of as “slow or stodgy.”

On the other hand, Alex moves with great deliberation and caution.  He’s just as controlling as Abby, but in the opposite way.  He wants to chew and digest all the details before he’ll decide.  If you want to move rapidly, he’ll become exasperated and question your intelligence and good judgment.  Because he controls the snail’s pace, few people even bother making input anymore.

If he doesn’t want to implement a plan, he’ll say he needs endless information and reflection.  Usually, his deliberations push so hard against deadlines that everyone has to work hectically at the last minute, including weekends.  He doesn’t mind because he’s still in control.

Alex tries to control his managerial peers by delaying decisions.  His arguments defending deliberation and caution can be very persuasive.  No one wants to be labeled “thoughtless or careless.”

People who are concerned with making good decisions will adjust their processes and timing to fit the situation.  Some decisions can be made with extensive input and deliberation, while others demand unilateral and rapid action.  Each style can be successful or have disastrous consequences, depending on the situation.

The rapid responses of many small businesses secured them productive niches while corporate goliaths deliberated.  Similarly, decisions made in the blink of an eye – based on accurate intuition, the hair standing up on the back of your neck or a wrenching in your gut – can save your life or business.  If you wait for proof, it will be too late.

But, of course, we don’t want someone building a bridge or an airplane based on snap decisions.

Be warned: Abby and Alex’s covert, controlling techniques are used just as much between couples in personal life and in family businesses.  However, the same mindset and methods that work to manage peers in corporate life can be effective in those more personal situations.

How you cope with bullies using these styles depends on whether you’re a peer, a supervisee or a supervisor – see complete article for details.

There are no formulas, but there are guidelines.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Bullies: Start Here

You may be the target of a bully, but you don’t have to be a victim. Bullies can go after you in many ways; physically harming you or threatening to hurt you; inflicting emotional pain through harassment, relentless criticism, taunting, put-downs, cutting out, manipulation, controlling, back-stabbing, spreading rumors, telling secrets, embarrassing you or generally mean behavior; cyberbullying.

In all these situations, the first step in defending yourself and in stopping bullies is the same and always has been.  This is the first step, even before you use any programs that are designed to stop bullies in schools or at work.

For instance, we can go back to Homer’s “Odyssey.”  At the end, after Odysseus and his son, Telemachus, have killed all the abusive suitors, they flee with two faithful servants to the mountain home of Odysseus’ father, Laertes.  They know they will pursued by all the older men of the city, the fathers and uncles of the dead suitors.

In the final confrontation, hopelessly outnumbered, Laertes kills the father of the most evil suitor.  Odysseus loses control of himself and goes berserk.  He advances in a murderous rage to kill all the fathers and uncles.

Athena suddenly appears and speaks the words that that exemplify a central belief of the Greeks about how to face whatever the world throws at you – whether overwhelming odds, verbal and physical abuse, unfairness, your fear and hesitation, your loss of self-control, bullies.

Take Athena’s command out of context – it’s not about the trigger; it’s about your necessary first step in response to any situation.

Athena says, “Odysseus!  Command yourself!”  And when Athena commands, we best listen.

There it is; the key to all success; the start of everything we must do – “Command yourself.”

• Don’t give in to your feelings, no matter what they are.  Don’t give in to embarrassment, weakness, hesitation, anxiety or fear.
• Don’t give in to self-bullying blame, shame and guilt.
• Don’t give in to your racing mind – when your reasoning and logic might talk you out of following your accurate intuition, might discourage and depress you into giving up or might spook and panic you into doing something dumb.
• Don’t give in to your lust or greed or laziness or any other of the Seven Deadly Sins.
• Don’t give in to your old beliefs, roles and rules that would trap you into enduring abuse and bullying.

Begin by commanding yourself.  In Odysseus’ case, commanding himself meant not starting a bloodbath, which would lead to generations of vendettas that would ruin the country.

In the case of facing a bully, we must take charge of ourselves, gather ourselves and command ourselves.  Even when we don’t know how things will turn out, we do know that we want to act bravely, resolutely and greatly.  Therefore, command yourself and go for it; 110%.

If we give in to fear, anxiety, perfectionism and self-doubt, we’ll do nothing to protect ourselves – we’ll become victims of our own panic and terror.  If we give in to anger and rage, we’ll explode, act unskillfully and do things we’ll regret.  If we don’t command ourselves, we’ll lose confidence and self-esteem; we’ll get depressed and become easy victims of the predators.

If we don’t command ourselves, nothing we do will have the power and energy needed to succeed.  We’ll be weak, hesitant, vacillating.  We’ll become victims.  We’ll take our first steps down the path to suicide.

With expert coaching and consulting, we can learn to command ourselves.  We can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.

We can become strong and skilled enough to resist being targeted by bullies and to stop bullies in their tracks.  We can look at individual situations and plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

When we command ourselves, we can overcome whatever confronts us.  We will let nothing crush us; our spirits will remain strong.  We can plan and take charge of our actions.  We can act with strength, courage and skill.  We can act with perseverance and resilience.  We can get the help we need.  We can succeed.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).

"The Last Samurai:" Follow Your Destiny

In the first scene of “The Last Samurai,” starring Tom Cruise and Ken Watanabe, the Samurai has a dream in which he sees the tiger coming for him.  He doesn’t know what it means, but he knows that it is important. Later, in the first battle, where the Samurai army overwhelms the poorly trained Imperial troops, the Samurai sees Captain Algren (Tom Cruise) wounded but fighting with the lance holding a flag that has the same tiger on it.  The Samurai watches God favor Algren.  Algren kills another Samurai who is by far a superior sword fighter.  At that moment, the Samurai could let the others kill Algren, which would be the normal course of events.  But he stops them.

The Samurai realizes that his destiny has just called to him.  He doesn’t know the future, but he senses that his destiny is calling him.  He spares Algren’s life and has him taken with them.

At that moment, he can’t know that Algren will come to respect and honor them, he can’t know that Algren will become one of them, he can’t know that Algren will save him from the evil minister’s plot to have him assassinated, he can’t know that Algren will help him fight and die gloriously, he can’t know that Algren will present his sword to the Emperor and that the Emperor will finally listen.

At that moment, all he can know is that his destiny is calling to him.  And he chooses to hold the door open for his destiny to be slowly and eventually revealed.

As he says, “A man does what he can until his destiny is revealed to him.”

Whether we refer to it as a call to our destiny or a call for us to take up a quest, a hero’s path, we must hold the door open, we must let our destiny in or we must walk through and follow the path to our destiny.  If we don’t open the door to our destiny, if we turn our backs because we don’t recognize it or are afraid to grasp it, our lives will turn into ashes, parched and burned, sifting through our fingers.

And we must follow our destiny even though we can’t know what the future holds.  Winston Churchill said, “It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead.  The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.”

The Samurai reached for his destiny not knowing what it would be.

Stop for a moment.  When has your destiny called, especially in unexpected ways?  When have you had a sense that a new and glorious and possibly frightening future has called to you?  When have you turned away?  When has your reason or your fear turned you away from what your guts and accurate intuition wanted you to heed?

And what might happen now if you started listening for your destiny’s call?  What might happen if you vowed to heed the call next time, to reach out and grasp your destiny, one link at a time?

Expert coaching can help you distinguish your destiny, the call of your accurate intuition from the call of your fears or your wishful thinking or other peoples “purpose” for you.  Expert coaching can help you overcome the voices of your fears, guilt and self-bullying.  Expert coaching can help you develop a plan that honors the commitments and responsibilities you still want to honor.

Reach for your destiny; reach all the way.  Choose whether to live a selfish, shabby, sordid story or a great and worthy story.  Be the hero of your life.