Top 10 ways bullies disrupt meetings

For years I’ve watched bullies disrupt professional meetings and create hostile workplaces.  It’s bad enough when team members dominate meetings, but it’s always worse if it’s the boss who’s a control freak. Here are the top 10 tactics I’ve seen them use.  What situations and actions irritate and frustrate you most?

These methods are even worse when they’re repeatedly used.  But of course, that’s a sign of bullying behavior; bullies don’t change.  My top 10 are:

1. Unprepared and latecomers – especially when they make a loud entrance.
2. Interrupters – they may be show-offs or clowns; they may interrupt vocally or by eating and drinking loudly or they may use their cell phones, Blackberrys or computers.  They have the attention span of two year-olds.
3. Boring ramblers with their lengthy personal conversations or digressions.
4. Dominators and know-it-all authorities – their loudness, certainty and fast talk tend to shut other people down.
5. Naysayers – they are relentlessly negative and can put down and block every proposal; “There are problems, we tried that, nothing ever works except my ideas.”
6. Angry people who indulge in personal attacks and put-downs, belittling and bringing up old errors.  They’re often defensive but, after a while, who cares about their psychotherapy?
7. Nit-pickers, distracters and side trackers who are full of irrelevant facts.  They prevent progress by correcting or arguing over irrelevant details.  They may want to re-think every previous decision; they never take action.
8. Side conversation experts – their ideas, whims or self-important witticisms seem to them more important than the agenda.
9. Editorial comments – they may be verbal or non-verbal, including snorting, rolling eyes, drumming fingers, turning their chairs around, laughing sarcastically and barely audible disparaging or ridiculing remarks.
10. Passive-aggressive backstabbers – they keep quiet or even agree during meetings, but then disagree, complain or put down people after meetings.

We usually know how to resolve these problem behaviors, but most people don’t have the courage or the organization’s culture won’t allow you to act.

Often, the strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies.  I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that make meetings worthwhile and promote productivity.

The techniques are covered in the CD set, “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” and also in the book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Workplace bullying rampant

The article, “Workplace bullying rampant Down Under,” is actually has a misleading title.  The studies cited show that not only is workplace bullying rampant Down Under, but so is school bullying, and that the phenomena are not confined to Australia, but are world wide. Some of the statistics cited are: * A recent study of Catholic education teachers revealed that 97 per cent had been bullied and up to 50 per cent of public school teachers had been bullied by co-workers.  More Catholic school teachers bullied than public school teachers – wow!  Just like the doctors I’ve talked about. * A US-based, Trends in International and Mathematics and Science Study found that more than a quarter of all students in Australia had been bullied.  Do you really think that it’s less here? * Although verbal bullying was the most common form among students, cyber bullying through emails and text messaging is also becoming a huge problem.

One writer said, “What’s the use of stopping school bullying when your sports people bully, or your politicians are bullying.  Parents don’t really have the skills to teach their children not to be bullies or not to be targets.”

First, the “use of stopping bullying” in our individual space of the world – home, family, work – is that it makes the living there so much more fun.  Don’t accept bullying in your personal environment even if the rest of the world does. Second, forget generalizations about parents.  The only thing that really matters is you and me.  No matter what the rest of the world is doing, our primary task is to protect our personal ecology.  We can stop bullying in our environment and act as models of effective action to our family, friends and coworkers.  We must teach our children to be strong, courageous, resilient and skilled enough to stop the bullying in theirs.  If you don’t have great skills now, learn better ones.

All bullies are not the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why I’ve found ways to stop most of them.

Yes, it’s good not to show that verbal bullying or cyberbullying has hurt our feelings but that’s only a small, first step.  We also have to take strong action to stop bullies or get them out of our faces.  If we don’t stop them, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.  Sometimes, fighting is the key to success.

Begin with the books “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and the10-CD set.  You will probably also need practical, pragmatic coaching and tactics designed to resolve your specific situations.

Teach children ways to cope with bullies

In her article in USA Today in December, 2008, “Teach children ways to cope with bullies,” Barbara Cavallo writes, “Parents can help children learn effective techniques that include meditating, reading inspirational stories and performing simple physical exercises to cope with stressful situations such as bullying.” Those are good activities, but I disagree that they’re enough.  I suggest alternative tactics to cope with bullies and to relieve stress.

Yes, meditation, reading inspirational stories and performing simple physical exercises are useful and good for the soul.  But, if children’s energy is totally turned inward, you’ll be teaching them to be merely passive or to follow a faddish idea about saintly behavior.  You’ll help your children handle their stress better by teaching them to deal effectively with the bully, not by withdrawing to make themselves feel better or more virtuous.  The best antidote for stress is strong and firm action to change the situation.

Not getting or not showing hurt feelings is a great first step, but usually not enough.  As I point out in “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies don’t take your acquiescence as kindness.  They take your giving in as weakness and an invitation to grab for more.

How about helping children and teenagers convert fear and pain into know-how, even if fueled by the energy of anger.

Schools have never been safe.  I remember a biography of Harpo Marx (remember the Marx Brothers?).  He went to school for one day.  The kids threw him out the window (first floor).  He came back in.  They threw him out again.  After the third time he didn't go back in.  And never did again.

Schools are testing grounds for the real world.  They present us with situations in response to which we can develop strength of character, resilience and skill.  Imagine growing up on a farm, in an Indian village or in the middle ages.  Not safe.  I grew up in New York City.  Not safe.

There are no safe environments.  When I was growing up, that was the lesson I always got from reading great hero stories.  And each tale challenged me to prepare myself for similar dangers.

All bullies are not the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why I’ve found ways to stop them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll simply go after us more.  Sometimes, fighting is the key to success.

When children have learned how to stop bullies in their tracks, they will have developed strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults.

Growing up, I saw that for myself and my brothers.  I also saw that with our six children.  And I see that with my clients.

Begin with the books “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and the10-CD set.  You will probably also need practical, pragmatic coaching and tactics designed to resolve your specific situations.

Talking to your kids about Cyberbullying

In her article in the Wall Street Journal on December 17, 2008, “Talking to your kids about Cyberbullying,” Sue Shellenbarger writes about the difficulties of dealing with cyberbullies. In addition to the difficulties in getting your children to talk to you about the problem, there are often additional problems because the bullies’ parents won’t stop their children and school administrators often won’t take effective action.

It’s so frustrating for parents because we feel pretty helpless.  We may have to work hard to get our kids to tell.  How many of us told our parents when we had trouble?

We have to plant the seeds of sharing and problem-solving long before the kids encounter this type of bullying.  You have to know each child and with a shy or introverted one, be extra vigilant so you can probe at the first signs of trouble.

The other part of the difficulty is changing the situation.  If the bullies’ parents don’t care and the schools won’t take effective action, you will probably feel isolated and stuck.  Too many administrators are cowards – they don’t want to get involved.

We focused on strengthening six our children and helping them be determined and resilient in order to face the real-world jerks and bullies they would inevitably see at school and when they became adults.

Remember the adults who encouraged a teenager to commit suicide.

I give examples of how to deal with bullying in my book “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and the CD set “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  I’ve also written many posts on my blog about developing resilient kids.  Of course, coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

Holidays bring out many bullies at home

Holidays bring out many bullies at home.  You know; the control-freaks who have to have things their way; the manipulative, guilt-tripping, back-stabbing, super-critical, put-down stealth bullies.  For example, Jane has a mother, brother and two sisters who are masters at these techniques.  She used to dread the holidays with the whole family, until she stopped their behavior. It’s funny how often the family of our hearts and spirits is not the family we grew up in.

What goes on in your family?  Do you have examples for the next posts on the holidays at work and bullying children during the holidays? Jane’s mother had guilt-tripped her all of her life.  Her mother’s voice dripped with hurt and pain when she whined, “You never loved me as much as your sisters did” and “You’re so selfish and uncaring, you won’t do the simple things I want for me, after all I did for you.”

Sister #1 always preened and pointed out how her children, husband and house were better than Jane’s.  At the same time, the sister’s husband hated Christmas.  He sounded just like Scrooge, “Christmas is humbug and fake.  I don’t want to waste my time, I won’t give presents and I won’t have fun.”  He was nasty the whole time.

Jane’s brother insisted that Christmas must be done his way; his way was the RIGHT way.  Jane was supposed to make a big spread for him at her house early in the morning, prepare the food he wanted and make her children do the activities he wanted.

Sister #2 bragged about how much more she gave her children than Jane did, and how much better she took care of their mother than Jane did.  She was the best child and she and her children were mom’s favorites.  Also without telling Jane, she invited extra people to come to Jane’s house.  Her husband was okay until he started drinking.  Then he criticized everything Jane did or had.  And he was relentless.

At least, Jane thought, I don’t have elatives that come to stay when I don’t want them or friends who bully me.  And this year, for the first time, Jane is looking forward to an afternoon with the extended family.  That’s because she won’t allow those old behaviors of theirs in her space.

With coaching and the techniques from the book and CD set, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” especially the staircase technique and the guideline of being as firm as she needed, Jane got over her own guilt and self-bullying, and set boundaries and behavioral rules for her family in her house.  She started two years ago by not getting hurt feelings, by calling it like it is and even being a little sarcastic.

She said to her mom, “Stop trying to guilt trip me.”  When he mother complained, “I was not.  I was simply telling you how I felt,” Jane didn’t argue.  Instead she firmly responded, “I never thought I’d have a mother who tries to manipulate me using guilt.  You’re just like grandma and what she used to do with you.”

We know that everyone talks about how wonderful their children are, and Jane was glad to listen to Sister #1 for a while.  But when her sister kept going on, and brought every conversation around to the inevitable comparisons, Jane finally said, with a smile, “Yes, you’ve convinced me again.  Your children are much better than mine.”  When her sister indignantly protested that wasn’t her intention, Jane didn’t argue about intentions.  Each time her sister repeated her nasty comparisons, Jane simply repeated what she had said.

Jane also laid down some rules without asking their opinions.  For example, she wants Christmas Eve and morning with her children, and their protests didn’t sway her.  She’s willing to give them the afternoon.  Also she no longer allows liquor on Christmas day.

Over the past two years, Jane has been steady about her challenges to her family.  She rarely debated or helped them do amateur psychoanalysis on why they behaved the way they did.  Their better behavior was her test.

She decided which values were more important to her and then made clear that her family had to change or she wouldn’t have them for Christmas.  More important than a family gathering with nasty people, was a wonderful time with her children.  And she didn’t argue with their protests and justifications.

Jane’s progress was not as fast and smooth as I’m telling in this short post, but it was steady.  She’s seen her family change over the last two years and she thinks that this Christmas will be a test for them.  She’s pretty sure that if she stands firm, they accept her rules for behavior she allows in her life.  Mostly she’s eager for the challenge.

We all have bullies in our family.  The holidays seem to bring out the best in some people, while they bring out the worst in others.

Of course, we need to design different tactics to fit everyone’s unique circumstances and the bullying patterns in individual families.  That’s what coaching and consulting are for.  Some people will be sweeter and softer than Jane, while others will be even more frank and straightforward.

Arrogant, Abusive and Disruptive -- and a Doctor

Even doctors, supposedly intelligent, skilled, well-trained and focused on giving the best care possible to their patients, are sometimes bullies toward other staff.  The behavior of that 3-4 percent of doctors can cause medical mistakes, preventable complications and even death to patients who could otherwise be saved. In her column in the New York Times, on December 2, 2008, “Arrogant, Abusive and Disruptive – and a Doctor,” Laurie Tarkin gives compelling evidence, surveys and examples of this bullying behavior. The examples included obnoxious, intimidating, abusive behavior; shouting, yelling, belittling, insulting, humiliating, ridiculing, blaming, berating and denigrating actions, often in front of patients and other staff members.  Some staff had to duck to avoid scalpels thrown across the operating room by angry surgeons.

Often, staff was made to feel like the bottom of the food chain.  Sometimes, staff was intimidated by a doctor so that they did not share their concerns about orders for medication that appeared to be incorrect

This hostile environment erodes cooperation and a sense of commitment to high-quality care.  Surveys of hospital staff members blame badly behaved doctors for low morale, stress and high turnover.

Although this article focused on doctors, we all know that the same behavior goes on at companies and organizations in every industry and area.

Do you have examples of your own?

I’ve described similar behavior in posts on the top ten ways to create a hostile workplace, verbal abuse by a know-it-all boss, a bullying coworker in the next cubicle and an unhappy employee creating a hostile workplace.

You’ll also find ways to combat this behavior in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  Leaders and managers who want to change hostile work environment should listen to my CD set, “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes.”

As a coach, consultant and speaker, I encourage people to fight to win.  It’s crucial to design tactics for your specific needs and the situation.